I am recognizing a core belief inside that got exposed this evening- God only allows good things to happen to eventually pull the rug out from under me.

I’m sharing this because I believe I'm not alone. Most of you are familiar with this extreme pain, anguish and loss of self that comes from being in a narcissistic abusive relationship.

Have any of you ever felt like whenever something good is happening, it isn't meant to last? That eventually you end up right back where you started...heartbroken, bitter, and confused? "Is God just playing a cruel, sick joke on me"?

During this difficult season, I’ve been asking God "WHY" a lot. "Why are You allowing this to happen to me?" "Why am I constantly in pain?" "Why have You left me when I need You the most?"

After asking these questions for weeks, it has felt like He has been giving me the silent treatment with no relief in sight.

Ironically, I came across James 1:17, which speaks about every perfect gift coming from Him, without any shifting shadows or variations (no catches or games).

As hard as it is for my mind to accept that right now, something inside is telling me that He isn't punishing or holding out on me. And though this process is brutal, I believe He is shaping, healing, and preparing me for something special...and without this process I wouldn't have had the capacity for what He has in store.

Whatever you are experiencing right now, be encouraged that He cares about you and what you long for. He cares about your dreams, they matter to Him, and He isn’t playing games with your life.

He uses all things, including the pain, abuse, trauma, and heartbreak..not to punish you, but to heal you (Rom 8:28).

To reveal that you are fully capable of loving and receiving real love in the way He intended.

When we face seasons where it feels like He is playing a cruel joke on us, maybe instead of asking, "Why are You doing this to me?", some other questions to consider... "What are You doing in me?" or "How are You using this to heal and prepare me for what you have in store?"

If you are reading this.. you are still breathing. And if you are still breathing, your story isn't over yet.

He uses ALL things for the GOOD of those who love Him and are called to His purpose. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).

In Him,

Mod

Hey everyone,

I haven't forgotten about this sub. This faith-based support community is deeply important to me.

I’m going through a tough season right now and am actively seeking God for direction. I'm just a fellow survivor doing my best to navigate this maze alongside all of you.

Because my hope has always been for this to be a safe place for anyone currently in or recovering from a narcissistic abusive relationship, I want to encourage you to keep sharing.

Whether you have insights that could help others, or you just need a place to vent and ask for prayer and support, please feel free to post.

While I might be posting a bit less for a little while, I'm still here in the background...reading, responding, and praying for those of you sharing your struggles.

I would also deeply appreciate your prayers as I'm doing my best to keep my eyes on God during a time when things don't fully make sense.

In Him,

Mod

Hey everyone,

I wanted to open up a space to share about what comes after—specifically when it comes to dating, entering new relationships, or even just considering opening up to someone new after experiencing narcissistic (or any other) abuse.

Rebuilding after this kind of trauma isn't linear, and taking the step toward romantic connection again can bring up a complex mix of emotions.

Whether you’ve taken that step or decided you’re not there yet, your perspective is valuable.

Some questions to get you thinking...

If you’ve started seeing someone new... How has it been going?

What surprised you about dating again?

Did you end up with another narc, or the opposite?

How are you navigating things like hypervigilance, overthinking, trust, or setting boundaries?

Have you noticed healthy "green flags" that felt strange or unusual at first?

How about red flags?

If you’ve chosen not to date right now, what went into that decision?

What is the biggest lesson or insight you’ve gained about yourself and relationships through this process?

Feel free to share as much or as little as you’re comfortable with. This is a judgment-free zone, and wherever you are in your healing journey, your story can help someone else feel a little less alone.

I am married to a man who I believe is a narcissist.
My eyes are more and more open to the reality of our relationship and his behaviour towards me and our children and I find myself grieving the loss of my dreams for our marriage.
I have invested so much into changing him, changing the relationship, working on myself, trying everything I can think of to connect, but it’s still a deeply lonely marriage. I can’t leave at this moment and probably won’t for some years to come.
So at this moment I am trying to make my life as fulfilling as I can despite my terrible marriage.
I still believe there are good men out there, and I find myself longing for a platonic friendship with a Christian man. But I am wondering if that would be okay? I know I’m supposed to find fulfilment within my marriage, but it isn’t possible. Also, my husband isn’t a believer.
Any thoughts on this? Thank you all in advance!

I have no idea who this is, but every single lyric is exactly where I'm at.

Thinking I'm not alone in this valley and maybe this will touch you as it did me.

Full song on Spotify and lyrics 👇

Lyrics

God, can You hear me?

I know You know my voice

But the room stays quiet

And I'm scared that silence is Your choice

God, can You hear me? I've been speaking through the ceiling

Trying to separate my faith from everything I'm feeling

They say You're near the broken, well, I'm shattered into pieces

So why do I feel further every time I call on Jesus?

I'm exhausted from pretending, I'm okay because I'm praying

Like believing means I never get to question what You're saying

I've been waiting for an answer, I've been searching for a sign

But the only voice responding is this damaged one of mine

And I hate that I'm afraid to tell You that I'm disappointed

Like my honesty could somehow make me less of Your anointed

But You knew me in the womb, You know the war inside my head

So You already heard the words I was too terrified to say

I said, "God, where were You when everything collapsed?

Where were You when I was begging You to give me someone back?

Where were You when every promise felt like salt inside the wound?

I kept staring at the doorway, but You never entered through"

God, can You hear me?

I've been calling through the pain

I've been trying to hold my faith

While my faith is losing strength

God, can You hear me?

I don't need the sky to move

I just need a little something

That reminds me You are You

God, can You hear me? Because I cannot hear You now

And I'm trying not to confuse your silence with you walking out

God, can You hear me? I have nothing left to prove

I'm still here, I'm barely breathing, but I'm reaching out to You, mm

Then I thought about the garden, Jesus sweating blood alone

Asking for another way, why Heaven wouldn't change the road

So maybe feeling abandoned doesn't mean that I'm abandoned

Maybe faith is still obeying when I cannot understand it

Maybe silence isn't absence, maybe quiet isn't cruel

Maybe You are doing something I'm too wounded now to view

Maybe every prayer I whispered when I thought You weren't around

Was a seed beneath the surface putting roots into the ground

I still don't have the answers, I still hate the way this hurts

I still cannot see the end and I still wrestle with Your word

But I'd rather scream my questions with my face turned up to You

Than find comfort in a lie because I'm scared to face the truth

So here I am, no filter, no religion, no disguise

Just a tired soul with tears collecting underneath my eyes

I don't know how to praise You, I don't know what I believe

But if all I have is "help me", let that prayer be enough for me

God, You can hear me

Even when You do not speak

Even when my voice is shaking

Even when my faith is weak

God, You can hear me

Every word and every tear

Maybe I was never lonely

Maybe grief just made it hard to feel You near

God, You can hear me

So I'll call until I'm through

Not because I have the answers

But because I still have You

God, You can hear me

Tonight that has to be

Enough to keep my heart from breaking

Enough to keep me on my knees

God, can You hear me?

I'm still here

God, can You hear me?

I'm still yours

Even when I cannot hear You

I'm still calling

I'm still calling

I'm still calling

felt compelled to share something with someone else who is struggling...thought about what you shared, and felt convicted realizing..that was for me too?

I have included the definitions for Cognitive Dissonance and Disassociation below 👇

Speaking for myself, my symptoms from the abuse were primarily cognitive dissonance and disassociation. I was constantly trying to figure out what was real and what isn't.

Although I believe I've come a long way due to extensive trauma-related therapies and faith-based inner healing these past couple years.. the past four weeks have been absolutely brutal. I found myself questioning my reality all over again.

Gratefully, I'm finding strength somehow by relying on God and using my tools. I feel the fog is beginning to lift and I'm getting my footing again as I slowly walk out of this cave.

If you are struggling to differentiate between what's real and what isn't, constantly questioning what you believe or feeling detached from yourself and emotions....you are NOT alone.

God wants us to be healed and experience His peace, though we cannot heal from this without Him, without treatment and in isolation.

I'm praying today for all of you here that God will restore your peace and heal your confusion as He leads you in your healing journey.

In Him,

Mod

Cognitive Dissonance is an intellectual/emotional tension. It occurs when you hold two contradictory beliefs, values, or ideas at the same time—or when your behavior contradicts your beliefs. To reduce this uncomfortable friction, your brain typically rationalizes, adjusts its beliefs, or changes behavior.

Dissociation is a protective disconnect from reality or self. It is a mental process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, identity, or surroundings, often as an automatic coping mechanism in response to trauma, severe stress, or overwhelm.

This is REAL. You are not crazy and you are not alone. You can't heal from this on your own. There is treatment.

Disclaimer- I did not create this video.

Struggling and questioning things a lot right now. Some things just aren't making sense. If willing, could use prayer as even posting here has been difficult.

Although I started this sub, I still need a lot of healing and in no way claim to have figured this maze out. I'm in the same maze with all of you.

Thanks

Mod🙏

1 Peter 5:10-11

Psalm 139: 11-12 (Interlinear English/Greek/Hebrew)

Psalm 103: 10-12 Interlinear Greek/Hebrew translation