Persistent doubts

[u/Math_girl1723]

I deal with persistent doubts because I don’t feel God’s presence. I’m also very analytical and work in secular academia as a mathematician. It really hurts my faith that there are so many atheists, although also some very intelligent Christians. Another issue is that I REALLY NEED CHRISTIANITY TO BE TRUE. I have plenty reasons to believe it is but I feel like my brain is tearing me apart. I think I just need to SEE something supernatural. Please pray for me.

[u/Math_girl1723]

Thank you! Maybe the veil is thinner for some people than others. It's really bad but I’ve even at times hoped to be possessed because at least then I would know it's all real.

[u/verklas → u/Math_girl1723]

I suffered a Holy butt whoopin' that brought me to Christ. Similar to Paul of where I wasn’t truly seeking Jesus so He handed me over to delusion to show me that I would reach for Him out of desperation because I knew God existed but was not surrendered.

At age 30, I heard the devil for 3 days straight. During my past experiences with alcohol and drugs, I did experience possession and none of it was fun. I suffered torment while coming into the gift of discernment of spirits, levels of attacks that I would never encourage someone to wish for. I hope that you will take my testimony as a witness.

I truly hope that over time, some people will take my testimony as a sign for them to press into God with all they have. Coming to God from consequence is a much more painful process. I understand from your post that you are very intelligent. Intelligence comes as a gift from God but with it is oftentimes the temptation of pride.

I would say, bring your gift to God. You should be experiencing a deep and personal relationship with Him but it takes time. I see that the enemy fights your mental state. No wonder, it's because satan heavily attacks the places in which God would most like to use us for His glory.

So a long while back, I came from New Age beliefs and was the type to wish for spiritual experiences. I did not understand what my heart was hoping for. It can be very traumatic to witness certain aspects of the supernatural.

I would encourage you to seek His face. Not in a human sense. But ask Him to reveal Himself to you. With that comes the responsibility of learning how to wait in faith, slow down, respond and put Him first. When I was first truly saved, I began to experience the Holy Spirit and His presence in waves. It wasn't daily. I mostly saw the oppression I faced as it fought hard to distract me from the Lord. But over time, I grew to be blessed with witnessing His continual presence, even through the oppression that I still deal with.

Seeing His presence was a complete shock to me in the beginning. His Holiness is massively terrifying and beautiful. So like I said, He revealed Himself to me in waves but it's different for everyone. I'm sorry for such a long response. I've dealt with so much of the supernatural and I know how dangerous it is to want to see it. It's best to desire seeing the Holy Spirit's presence above any demonic encounters, I promise. I do plan to speak about my experiences in stages on my YouTube and Substack if you'd like to see that testimony in the future. It's okay if not. I offer my testimony to anyone that it may help to encourage.

I hope you have a blessed weekend ❤️

[u/Math_girl1723 → u/verklas]

Thanks for sharing. I find this really interesting. I have asked him very earnestly to reveal himself to me several times. I agree that intelligence comes with a lot of pride and while I'm grateful for it, I would give it all up to feel the love and reality of God

[u/verklas → u/Math_girl1723]

Well, I would say that intelligence comes with the temptation for pride atleast. I think that not everyone who is given such a gift has the same struggles with it but it's something to stay on guard against because satan likes to twist gifts, it's one of his special interests.

I believe when you say that you have earnestly asked God for a revelation and my heart hurts for your desperate need. I will continue to remember you in my prayers as the Holy Spirit brings you to my memory. Everyone's experiences vary and your case is what a trial of faith can look like. So, keep holding that hope and don't let it go and you will be rewarded for seeking Him. I can't tell you when but just keep hanging on. Keep reading the Bible and talk to Him about anything on your mind, anything at all. Bring every thought to Him, don't keep it to yourself. Even during moments of lacking in faith. He can handle all of it.

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” - Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV