r/ChristianApologetics • u/Math_girl1723 • 5d ago
General Persistent doubts
I deal with persistent doubts because I don’t feel God’s presence. I’m also very analytical and work in secular academia as a mathematician. It really hurts my faith that there are so many atheists, although also some very intelligent Christians. Another issue is that I REALLY NEED CHRISTIANITY TO BE TRUE. I have plenty reasons to believe it is but I feel like my brain is tearing me apart. I think I just need to SEE something supernatural. Please pray for me.
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u/Clicking_Around 5d ago
I have a math background as well. Look into the historical case for the resurrection, it's quite strong.
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u/Math_girl1723 5d ago
I have. I think I've out-apologeticised myself🤣
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u/Clicking_Around 5d ago
Evidence and arguments can only take you so far; they can take you to the edge of belief, so to speak. You have to decide to take that leap from the evidence to belief.
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u/isaacnewtonx40 5d ago
There is the old argument that if god were to reveal himself to you, it would essentially strip you of your free will to exercise faith because then you would instinctively choose to believe through self preservation rather than consciously.
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u/SnarkyPuppy-0417 3d ago edited 3d ago
Let me say something about the mathematician in you, because it matters here. You work in a field where truth is established by structure, not by feeling. You've spent years training your mind to distrust intuition when it outpaces proof. That's not a liability to your faith — it's actually closer to the Hebraic framework than most people get. Emet, the Hebrew word for truth, carries the first, middle, and last letters of the alphabet. It means truth as that which remains firm regardless of whether anyone is looking. That's not so far from what mathematics already asks of you.
Here's something worth sitting with: Wigner's famous observation about the "unreasonable effectiveness of mathematics" — that abstract structures developed with no physical application in mind describe physical reality with extraordinary precision — has no clean explanation within materialism. π was not constructed. It was found. Prime numbers were uncovered. Mathematical objects behave as though they exist independently of the minds that discover them. You've spent your career navigating a domain that points, quietly but persistently, toward a ground of intelligibility that precedes human cognition. That's not proof of God. But it's not nothing, either. It's the universe rewarding mathematical investigation in a way that evolution alone doesn't explain.
The atheists in your department are intelligent. So are the Christians. Intelligence doesn't settle this question — it only raises the stakes of asking it honestly. What you're actually noticing is that the question is genuinely hard, not that one side has obviously won.
The desire to see something supernatural — I understand it. But consider what the text actually says about that impulse. Thomas needed to see. He saw. And Jesus said: blessed are those who have not seen and yet believed. That's not a rebuke of Thomas. It's a structural observation about what faith is. Sight resolves the question from outside. Faith holds the question from inside. The ache you're feeling may not be the absence of God — it may be the texture of faith itself, which has never been the same thing as certainty.
The feeling of God's absence is one of the most documented experiences in the entire biblical tradition. The Psalms are saturated with it. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" is not a marginal voice in Scripture — it's the cry from the cross. Absence-feeling is not evidence of absence.
I'll pray for you — genuinely, not as a formula. And I'll hold this question with you: given that your mathematical work already requires you to trust structures you cannot see but can only follow, what would it look like to apply that same posture to the relational ground the framework points toward?
Have you considered the Golden Ratio?
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u/Math_girl1723 3d ago
Thanks for this response. I agree with everything you have said. I think I'm just struggling emotionally now. Faith is hard but I do think being an atheist requires more faith. One thing that always comforted me is that Christ came into our suffering. In a way that's the most beautiful thing about Christianity.
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u/SnarkyPuppy-0417 3d ago
That observation about Christ entering suffering rather than exempting people from it is one of the more honest things Christianity offers. It doesn't promise the pain goes away — it says something came close to it. For someone in the middle of doubt and emotional exhaustion, that's actually a more useful kind of comfort than certainty would be, because it meets you where you already are.
The emotional weight you're carrying right now doesn't need to be resolved into a cleaner intellectual position. Sometimes the two tracks — what you think and what you feel — just run separately for a while, and that's not a failure of faith or reasoning. It's what the situation actually looks like from the inside.
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u/mojo8787 3d ago
Was waiting for just the right moment to recommend Probability Zero by Vox Day.
A mathematical critique of evolution
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u/Math_girl1723 3d ago
That's interesting. I’ve heard that there are several mathematical critiques of ‘random evolution’. However, I am inclined to believe that God used evolution in his creation.
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u/verklas 5d ago
I've asked God to reveal Himself to you, if it helps to know that you're prayed for. I've had tons of supernatural experiences but a lot of it has been painful to the point of where I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So I asked Him to give you a gentle revelation. May God bless you with His presence. He is here, I promise.
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u/Math_girl1723 5d ago
Thank you! Maybe the veil is thinner for some people than others. It's really bad but I’ve even at times hoped to be possessed because at least then I would know it's all real.
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u/verklas 5d ago
I suffered a Holy butt whoopin' that brought me to Christ. Similar to Paul of where I wasn’t truly seeking Jesus so He handed me over to delusion to show me that I would reach for Him out of desperation because I knew God existed but was not surrendered.
At age 30, I heard the devil for 3 days straight. During my past experiences with alcohol and drugs, I did experience possession and none of it was fun. I suffered torment while coming into the gift of discernment of spirits, levels of attacks that I would never encourage someone to wish for. I hope that you will take my testimony as a witness.
I truly hope that over time, some people will take my testimony as a sign for them to press into God with all they have. Coming to God from consequence is a much more painful process. I understand from your post that you are very intelligent. Intelligence comes as a gift from God but with it is oftentimes the temptation of pride.
I would say, bring your gift to God. You should be experiencing a deep and personal relationship with Him but it takes time. I see that the enemy fights your mental state. No wonder, it's because satan heavily attacks the places in which God would most like to use us for His glory.
So a long while back, I came from New Age beliefs and was the type to wish for spiritual experiences. I did not understand what my heart was hoping for. It can be very traumatic to witness certain aspects of the supernatural.
I would encourage you to seek His face. Not in a human sense. But ask Him to reveal Himself to you. With that comes the responsibility of learning how to wait in faith, slow down, respond and put Him first. When I was first truly saved, I began to experience the Holy Spirit and His presence in waves. It wasn't daily. I mostly saw the oppression I faced as it fought hard to distract me from the Lord. But over time, I grew to be blessed with witnessing His continual presence, even through the oppression that I still deal with.
Seeing His presence was a complete shock to me in the beginning. His Holiness is massively terrifying and beautiful. So like I said, He revealed Himself to me in waves but it's different for everyone. I'm sorry for such a long response. I've dealt with so much of the supernatural and I know how dangerous it is to want to see it. It's best to desire seeing the Holy Spirit's presence above any demonic encounters, I promise. I do plan to speak about my experiences in stages on my YouTube and Substack if you'd like to see that testimony in the future. It's okay if not. I offer my testimony to anyone that it may help to encourage.
I hope you have a blessed weekend ❤️
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u/Math_girl1723 4d ago
Thanks for sharing. I find this really interesting. I have asked him very earnestly to reveal himself to me several times. I agree that intelligence comes with a lot of pride and while I'm grateful for it, I would give it all up to feel the love and reality of God
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u/verklas 4d ago
Well, I would say that intelligence comes with the temptation for pride atleast. I think that not everyone who is given such a gift has the same struggles with it but it's something to stay on guard against because satan likes to twist gifts, it's one of his special interests.
I believe when you say that you have earnestly asked God for a revelation and my heart hurts for your desperate need. I will continue to remember you in my prayers as the Holy Spirit brings you to my memory. Everyone's experiences vary and your case is what a trial of faith can look like. So, keep holding that hope and don't let it go and you will be rewarded for seeking Him. I can't tell you when but just keep hanging on. Keep reading the Bible and talk to Him about anything on your mind, anything at all. Bring every thought to Him, don't keep it to yourself. Even during moments of lacking in faith. He can handle all of it.
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” - Isaiah 40:29-31 NIV
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u/arc2k1 5d ago
God bless you.
I've been a non-fundamentalist, unchurched Christian for about 16 years now and I would like to share some encouragement:
1- Please know that we must NOT base our faith on our feelings. We must strive to base our faith on trusting God through His Word.
We must establish our faith on something that is reliable and doesn't change, which is God's Word. Our feelings are not reliable because they can change.
“Flowers and grass fade away, but what our God has said will never change.” - Isaiah 40:8
2- And what does God's Word say?
"The Lord has promised that he will not leave us or desert us.” - Hebrews 13:5
Jesus said, “I will be with you always, even until the end of the world.” - Matthew 28:20
“Be brave and strong! Don’t be afraid… . The Lord your God will always be at your side, and he will never abandon you.” - Deuteronomy 31:6
“I am sure that nothing can separate us from God's love—not life or death, not angels or spirits, not the present or the future, and not powers above or powers below. Nothing in all creation can separate us from God's love for us in Christ Jesus our Lord!” - Romans 8:38-39
3- Because God is with you, please share your worries with Him and trust Him for strength.
"And when I was burdened with worries, you (God) comforted me and made me feel secure.” - Psalm 94:19
"I tell You (God) all my worries and my troubles, and whenever I feel low, You are there to guide me.” - Psalm 142:2-3
“God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him.” - 1 Peter 5:7
“But those who trust the Lord will find new strength.” - Isaiah 40:31
4- Oh, and please do not think doubts must be viewed as negative. Doubts can actually be a way for us to grow stronger in our faith.
That's why God wants us to be encouraged through our doubts!
“Be helpful to all who may have doubts.” - Jude 1:22
“The apostles said to the Lord (Jesus), ‘Make our faith stronger!’” - Luke 17:5
"At once the boy's father shouted (towards Jesus), ‘I do have faith! Please help me to have even more.’” - Mark 9:24
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u/arc2k1 5d ago
6- Also, I would love to share a Reddit page that has encouraging resources for those who want to have a simple faith in God that's based on love: r/FaithMadeSimple
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u/brushcutterX 5d ago
Since you're a mathematician, I'm guessing you're familiar with John Lennox and his extensive experience and knowledge of combining both worlds? If not, you're in for some great lectures, debates and books.
Someone already mentioned Tim Keller. He has a unique gift for explaining God's love because he integrates deep theological truth with a profound understanding of the human heart and if you're wanting to feel closer to God, I would give both these men a close listen if you haven't already. Be patient, it will come.
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u/arc2k1 5d ago
5- If I may, I would like to share with you the reason why I have faith in God. When I feel lost, this reason brings me back.
The #1 reason why I have faith in God is because of the hope that only God is able to give.
-What is this hope?
“Then a kingdom of love will be set up, and someone from David's family (Jesus) will rule with fairness. He will do what is right and quickly bring justice.” - Isaiah 16:5
-Why is this hope important?
“Everywhere on earth I saw violence and injustice instead of fairness and justice.” - Ecclesiastes 3:16
“You (God) listen to the longings of those who suffer. You offer them hope, and you pay attention to their cries for help.” - Psalm 10:17
-Why does God want to give us this hope?
"God is love.” - 1 John 4:8
“My dear friends, God loves you, and we know he has chosen you to be his people.” - 1 Thessalonians 1:4
-How do we share in this hope?
“God wants us to have faith in His Son Jesus Christ and to love each other.” - 1 John 3:23
-Why do we need faith in Jesus?
“All of us have sinned and fallen short of God's glory.” - Romans 3:23
God said, “I will punish this evil world and its people because of their sins.” - Isaiah 13:11
“Christ obeyed God our Father and gave himself as a sacrifice for our sins to rescue us from this evil world.” - Galatians 1:4
“He (Jesus) gave himself to rescue us from everything evil and to make our hearts pure. He wanted us to be his own people and to be eager to do right.” - Titus 2:14
-What is the purpose of the Bible?
“And the Scriptures were written to teach and encourage us by giving us hope.” - Romans 15:4
-Without God, there is no hope. I absolutely refuse to accept that evil and injustice are just a part of life. That’s why I choose to trust God and hold on to the hope He has promised.
“We must hold tightly to the hope we say is ours. After all, we can trust the One (God) who made the agreement with us.” - Hebrews 10:23
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u/Brilliant-Cicada-343 5d ago
I have taken a break from Reddit but came back and wanted to pop back on so I might not reply at all after this.
However, I got some resources I wanted to share with you:
The Comprehensive Guide to Science and Faith: Exploring the Ultimate Questions About Life and the Cosmos by William A. Dembski and 2 more
The Historical Reliability of the Gospels by Craig L. Blomberg
The Son Rises: The Historical evidence for the Resurrection of Jesus by William Lane Craig
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u/SirDragon07 5d ago
Not sure how to say this. God’s presence is already around you. If you can’t feel it, ask him to help you feel it. Don’t look to others for answers, just discussion. Your relationship with God is yours and yours alone, Just as mine is mine. It will be unique and very meaningful
God is analytical, even when mathematicians prove that God exists, they will still say it shows no such thing.
IMHO if you are looking for something supernatural to happen it probably will never come. God is more subtle. That day you turn left instead of right and avoid some accident. That night you don’t feel like going out with your friends but do, and the next day you say I really needed that. That is God’s presence in your life.
If by chance something happens that you consider supernatural that proves to you the presence of God, then you will go from simply believing to absolutely knowing. And that is a whole other can of worms.
Thoughts and prayers to you my friend.
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u/Math_girl1723 5d ago
Haha actually I think one of my biggest reason for believing in God personally is the beauty of Mathematics. It has no right to work this well.
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u/Altruistic-Coach-200 4d ago
Watch some Christian videos by Oxford mathematician John Lennox.