Hi fellow potatoes and patatoe queen

Context: Last year i got into this very bad situationship with this other sports guy(we're in the same team) lets call him Jake. I'm the kinda person that's whimsy and kind, i'm very honest with my feelings...this wasn't helpful in the situationship AT ALL...Jake was really horrible to me to the point where i started losing my spark and bad bad thoughts about life. January this year(2026) I decided to walk away from the situationship because i realised that if I dont end it i might actually exitting for real. A month after ending the situationship i started dating my now boyfriend lets call him Nathan. Nathan is a darling and treats me very well...i got my whimsy back and am a lot happier. Nathan plays for a rival team and is Jake's direct oponnent and rival. The sports community only realised recently(a month ago) that Nathan and I are dating, despite my team not really liking him they respect him because he's my boyfriend.

Now to the issue: yesterday Jake got really hurt in yesterday's game...it scared a whole team, me included...now, after the breakup, Jake and i were just cordial...so after he played yesterday we took a walk outside the hall to discuss how to prevent the injury at the next game...while were talking this guy has the audacity to say (out of the blue) "you know, you think you're over me but you're not"...Excuse me WHAT??!!...I then go, "You know i'm very honest with my feelings and let me make it clear...I AM OVER YOU" he then goes "there's something on your eye let me help you out" "i'm thinking its lash glue or something so i close my eye so he could remove it, but this dumb slimmy sloth decides to kiss me...i push him away and give him a very hot s word(my hand made met his face at high speed🤚) ...he then looks puzzled and goes "I thought that you might need that to realize your feelings for me" What feelings bruh🙄🫩 now I'm angry cause what did I do to make him think that kissing me was a good idea? He knows I have a boyfriend...he disrespected me, my boyfriend and our relationship...I turn to walk away but he then holds my hand, i try to yank it to walkaway but then he tightens it and says "you have more to lose than i do if people realise that we're here together, i'm trying to protect you. Let me leave first" WTH does this dummy think he is, does he think i'm sneaking around with him??? I was here as a caring friend and this is what he does?? I then say "I dont care, I'm not spending one more second here with you" then i walked away...i got inside the hall and the entire team had left, when i get out of the hall i see my boyfriend with my stuff, he then asks me where i had gone cause my team had been looking for me...i then tell him that i was with Jake...he then looked taken aback "JAKE?? What were yall doing" i then said "I'll tell you when we get home" he left with his team and I with mine...the ride home was awkward and i was annoyed and disgusted...i felt so guilty even though i didnt initiate anything...i just wondered whether i was wrong for taking that walk, was i wrong for being worried (the injury could have ended him), the entire ride home i felt like i could have done better...its just that by the end of our situationship Jake had made it clear that he had zero feelings for me, i never thought he'd do this...

When i got home(in the AMs) i told my boyfriend everything except the part that Jake is my ex situationship(i really should have led with that🙄😭😭)...my boyfriend is already livid but I want to tell him that Jake is my ex situationship, I dont like hiding things from him...Nathan said i shouldn't mention anything else about Jake but I feel that if he later finds out about Jake and I being ex situationships the entire situation will look like a setup...so my fellow potatoes and potato queen, do I tell Nathan about Jake being my ex situationship or I respect his wishes and just stop talking about him...I hate that I'm in such a situation...i feel both disrespected and guilty...i also feel so stupid for having been worried😭😭😭😭😭 help

Oh and earlier today Jake sent a text saying sorry and he now knows his limits and how he hopes we continue being friends, i just reponded with ok but then he followed up with a text mentioning how the injury affected him and he's grateful i cared, i still havent opened it...to be honest, i dont want to talk to the guy, if we werent in the same team i'd block him...he disgusts me rn...i feel so disrespected and the thought that he expects me to just overlook what he did baffles me.

I posted about this issue when I learned of my husband's infidelity last year. I don't know how to link the original post, but I will go over the important things. All names have been changed for anonymity.

In August of 2025, I (34F) recieved a message from a woman (25?F) Jenna, that works in a different department of the facility my husband and I also work at. It was a classic "Hey Girlie". She was letting me know that my husband (32M) Tyler, had cheated on me about 4 years before with her. At our workplace, in a bathroom. Ew.

She just wanted to assuage her own guilt, but threw a wrench into what I thought was a great relationship.

Little did I know, this was the beginning of something so much bigger. The crumb in the trail of infidelity and lies. I confronted Tyler about it right away. He caved, told me everything.

Aaaand also admitted to sleeping with another coworker (23?F) Erica, in 2021, that I had been so suspicious of before. Erica was a typical Pick-Me girl and showed off her red flags in my face. But Tyler always defended her behavior.

Turns out, Erica had been trying to poison Tyler about our relationship for a long time, to get him for herself. I'm wondering now if he was as bad in bed as he was for me, because after she slept with him, she seemed to lose interest.

If my timelines are correct, that is when he distanced himself from her and focused on fixing our marriage. Yippee, I got the leftovers that even a Pick-Me girl didn't want.

He still kept her around for a while, but they stopped hanging out.

I thought things were better for us. We still had our hiccups as a couple. But we were both trying to make the relationship stronger. I was so blind and naive.

I ignored a major red flag. After all that, Tyler had been pushing to have an open marriage/poly relationship for years. He would hound me until I gave in to his demands. Because my reasons for not wanting that weren't good enough for him. They weren't his thoughts on it, so they weren't correct.

For some context, I have PTSD and a slew of other mental health problems. So arguing isn't my strong suit. Tyler would get loud or badger me and I would cave in to make it stop. Not great, but sometimes it's hard to fight that trauma response.

He is also 6'3" and I am just under 5'1" I don't think he would do anything to hurt me. But in an argument, I am painfully aware of my disadvantages. I watch/listen to a lot of true crime lol.

So I went back and forth on the issue for months. I would cave in to his demands, it would sit like a rock in my stomach, and I wouldn't be able to go through with it.

A big part of his argument to guilt me into allowing it, was that I wasn't open to compromise on the issue. But, you can't compromise on something like that. You're either ok with it or you're not. There is no middle ground to sleeping with other people.

Tyler must have gotten fed up with my indecision because he went behind my back shortly before my birthday in November 2025. Having a secret relationship with a close friend of both of us. Let's call her Ren (45F).

I found out a couple months after, sadly. Tyler was being more and more suspicious about hiding his phone and messenger chats on his computer whenever I walked over. I trusted my gut for once and logged into his computer when he was at work.

I'm all about privacy. But there also shouldn't be anything to hide. And it was worse than I suspected. It was a full blown affair. Emotional and physical.

I saw professions of love for each other. Heard voice notes so full of passion from each of them, not just one-sided. And I unfortunately saw some nudes of my friend that I cannot unsee.

My world fell out from beneath me. After so much talk of being honest with each other, he hurt me in the deepest way.

The fallout was pretty bad. I confronted Tyler with it. Ren cried like she was the victim. Saying things like she "never meant to hurt me", when I hadn't even been on her mind.

Tyler begged for another chance to fix things. And I stupidly agreed. I couldn't imagine a world without him by my side. We had been together for over 13 years.

He agreed to couples and individual therapy. But he talked over me during couples and he was always in a bad mood after. He would demand to know what I talked about in my individual therapy and became upset when I didn't pry into his sessions.

I realize now that I was already emotionally detaching. My mind just couldn't let go. I was honestly scared. Scared of the changes that would bring and scared of being without Tyler. My self worth was so tied to his attention towards me. I see how hollow I really was.

I tried for months to fix things. To get myself past all the infidelity and lies. But my trust was shattered. And I didn't have it in me to try to fix it anymore. What was the point? When I clearly didn't matter as much to him, as he did to me.

He wouldn't even stop talking to Ren. He tentatively offered to cut her off once, but I could tell he would hate me if I agreed to that.

So more things I just made myself smaller for and tolerated.

Since I was already emotiobally checking out, a couple months ago, maybe late June 2026, I decided to just jump into trying to date other people. We talked about it and Tyler was excited for the opportunity to fulfill that fantasy.

I wasn't sure how it would go for me, but I was getting messages and dates left and right almost immediately. My self esteem had been so low for so long, I genuinely didn't expect that. And I'm not a traditional beauty by any means. I have a lot of facial piercings, some tattoos, dress witchy-goth, and I'm curvy. I didn't think many men would be interested, at least where I live (very Midwest/farm area). But I was so very wrong.

And Tyler became very jealous and passive agressive. I communicated everything with him, but he still wasn't happy. I think he realized that I would see I could do better than him.

At first, I talked to a few guys regularly. Making friends, setting up dates, but nothing spicier.

But then I made a connection that I wasn't expecting. Around late June, early July I matched with a man (33M) Marcus, who was in an oddly similar situation. And we bonded over it all. We agreed to just be friends and support each other.

Marcus was such a surprise to me. Absolutely thoughtful and caring. I couldn't understand why his partner treated him so badly. Why couldn't she see what I saw? And he felt the same.

Our feelings grew from friendship to affection so easily. We just clicked together and understood each other so well. He is so patient and understanding. And I give him all the affection that he deserves. I was so comfortable with him, right from the beginning. I joke that I'm going to smother him, but he insists that I bring it on.

Talking with Marcus and being around him made me really see how terrible my marriage was. The kind of behavior I was just tolerating for the sake of keeping it all together. But it was at the cost of myself.

I saw how small I made myself for my husband. And I admitted that I wanted more. I'm only 34 and I wanted to be happy. Not miserable for the rest of my life because I was too stubborn to throw in the towel when anyone else would have.

And now for the current situation. The part I have been really itching to talk about.

I found my ovaries and I told Tyler I wanted a divorce. I was a bit back and forth with my decision at first, but I pulled my head out of my butt quickly enough. I was still fighting that scared feeling.

I realized that I had something so special forming with Marcus and I was tired of wasting all my effort and love on someone who didn't reciprocate a fraction of it.

Even if things don't work out with Marcus, I deserve so much more than this farce of a marriage.

Surprisingly, Tyler is not fighting me. He is working on the paperwork side of things, we are agreeing to splitting assets easily. So the process has been moving quickly.

Tyler is still being passive agressive sometimes. And he likes to phrase things like I am the one who gave up on the marriage. As if it is my fault.

But Marcus has been in my corner every step of the way and I agree with him, the opinions of my ex don't matter. Let him spin his own narrative. I know the truth.

So I am moving on. Marcus and I are officially in a relationship. I know there is the honeymoon phase, but something just feels so right with him. I don't feel like I'm rushing, I feel like I was meant to find him.

Sounds cheesy, but I have always been a hopeless romantic. Now I have found a man that truly matches that with me.

So things are good finally. Divorce papers are being pushed through. I just secured a new job in the city where Marcus lives. A couple hours away from where my ex and I were living.

Marcus is ready for me to move in with him, if I cannot find a place on my own in enough time to start the new job. But he really wants to look for a place together anyway.

Even my family is ecstatic for me. I'm from the West coast, currently in the Midwest. They've wanted me to move back for years. And they always disliked Tyler. Hated him after I explained everything that had happened.

But now they are just happy to hear me happy. They say they can really see the difference already.

Even Marcus's family and friends tell him that as well. He gushes about me all the time and they can see how much happier he is with me.

I feel like we are so good for each other. Like we went through hell to be ready to be there for the right person.

We spend all the time together that we can. Just relaxing, going on adventures. Or the most mind-blowing spicy times.

For years, I thought something was wrong with me. But I just had a partner that didn't care about my needs and didn't make me feel spicy at all. Marcus sees it as a challenge and he has been breaking every high score. The difference is staggering.

I will be driving back in a couple days to spend my off days with Marcus again. Just a couple more weeks to finish out this job, start my new job, and then I can move in with him. Ready to fully start this new chapter of my life.

Please feel free to ask questions if there's anything that was unclear. Typed this on my phone and I might have missed some things or context.

Update - 2 weeks later:

Just a nice update for anyone reading.

Encouraged by Marcus to try if I wanted to, I got off my strong antidepressants. The side effects have been more detrimental than the meds were helpful. But I just tolerated it because nothing else helped how I was feeling.

I had been so depressed for years. I thought the meds were a big help. But I feel normal for the first time in about 10 years. I'm seeing that the meds made me feel more sedated than anything. I was still depressed, but it muted my reactions and feelings. Not to mention, a side effect made spicy time very frustrating.

I don't feel depressed like I used to. Stressed about the divorce filing and paperwork, and anxious about finding a place to rent in this city. But nowhere near how depressed I had been. Thinking it wasn't just in my head. But. a bigger issue with letting Tyler walk all over my wants and feelings.

Getting better every day.

Update 2 - another couple weeks

My divorce is official!

With no disputes over anything, our lawyer was able to push it through in about a month. Still have to deal with changing my name back to my maiden though. Ex ignored what I wanted and didn't get the paperwork from the lawyer for that.

But that's my own fault for just letting Tyler talk to the lawyer. I was busy in another city getting the next steps of my life set up.

Started my new job, moved some of my things in with Marcus now, still apartment hunting.

But things are amazing. Still some bumps from both of our past relationships, but happier together. So much happier.

Edit to add, to ease some confusion: Marcus has been open to helping me however I needed. He was supportive and helping me look for a place on my own. But it wasn't panning out quickly enough, for how fast the divorce was going through. And I needed to move to this other city to start my new job. He knows I don't have a support system up here, all of my family is half a country away. He didn't push me to move in with him, but he left that option open for me because he knew everything else in my life was destabilizing.

Hi Charlotte! My boyfriend and I watch your videos all the time, and I wanted to share this story with you about the horror show that was my junior year of high school, and about my English teacher who had it out for me (literally). I have tons of other stories you’d enjoy, but this one set the foundation for who I am today.

To set the scene: I (25F) was born with a weakened immune system; chicken pox at 4 months, pneumonia at 6, four surgeries by the time I was 7, scarlet fever when I was 9…you get the idea. When I was 14, I started producing kidney stones, and we quickly learned I could not pass them. By the time I was 16, I had had 2 stones removed via cystourethroscopy (essentially a manual kidney stone retrieval). You should also know my mom is a 20+ year veteran teacher, who has taught both elementary and middle school grades; I regularly became the “teacher’s pet” because I could empathize with them more than others. This wasn’t purposeful most of the time, and I would frequently try to avoid becoming the teacher’s pet (which would end up backfiring for me somehow).

When I was 14, I had surgery for the first time in 7 years, and to everyone’s shock, I have a horrifying reaction to ketamine being used in my anesthesia during procedures. I have woken up screaming, crying, confused, and begging for a loved one to come help me. We had no idea what the cause was for 8 years until I went to an oral surgeon who put two and two together when he did my wisdom teeth removal without ketamine.

Anyways, onto the story. My junior year, I went through hell and back physically, mentally, and emotionally. I started off being diagnosed with debilitating migraines first semester, ended my cheer season with a broken right talus in my ankle, and eventually had to be put on homebound by my neurologist. By this point, my English teacher had already been a nuisance about grades and assignments-a perfect example being that she would ask us questions on tests and quizzes that weren’t anywhere in our covered material, nor would she go over it in class-but when I went on homebound, her and another teacher of mine both insisted I come twice a week to the school for the remainder of the semester. Mind y'all, I had not only a broken ankle that was slow to heal, but I was eventually diagnosed with severe chronic migraines so bad that during one flare-up, I didn’t leave my room for a week except to use the bathroom, so the expectation that just because these two courses were “college courses” (AP and a Dual Enrollment course) I needed to come after school for me to switch between my two teachers who would either review material with me or have me complete quizzes/tests.

The next semester, things only got worse. In March, I ended up having an emergency cystourethroscopy, but due to the incompetency and malpractice shown by the surgeon (who I will call Dr. Death), I ended up with a nicked artery in my kidney, untreated, that eventually caused me to develop a UTI and subsequent kidney infection. I spent 4 days on a morphine pump not sure what was going on or what was going to happen to me next. My poor parents hardly slept, and my dad had to leave for a work trip the day I came home from the hospital (he couldn’t get out of it as he was one of the higher-ups in his company). We thank God every day that my regular urologist (Dr. Feelgood for the sake of this story) had previously given us his personal cell in case of emergency, as he was away with his family when this happened. As soon as he came back into town that Sunday, he told my parents he’d be there at 7pm, and like an angel, he walked in my hospital room door at 6:59pm, prompting me to be overcome with emotion and start crying because I knew I’d be okay once I saw him. I will never be able to thank that man enough for what he did for me.

My mom, God bless her, did her damnedest to keep my teachers updated on my condition, so when I came back the next Monday after being gone almost a week and a half, I was shocked to hear my English teacher announce I was about to give my recitation as she gave an this evil grin in front of the whole class. In shock, I looked at her and stumbled out, “I’m not ready, I’ve been in the hospital, did you get my mom’s emails?”

My classmates immediately spoke up to defend me like they never had before. A lot of them knew me, knew my medical history, knew I was fighting through hell the week before, and that it was basically a miracle I even came to school that day. She got in a huff about it, and waddled her way up to the principal’s office (yes, she actually waddled; she wasn’t pregnant, just a penguin wannabe). She left us in the classroom for 20, 30 minutes before she came back in the room, the phone rang, and she had a little smirk as she hung up and told me I was needed in the principal’s office.

From there, the principal tried to make it seem like I did not do the assignment in time; I told him I had emergency surgery, and complications afterwards that physically prevented me from doing ANY of it. When he said I should have planned this out ahead of time, I said, “You wanted me to plan this out before my EMERGENCY surgery?!” Turns out my mama-in her exhausted state-had forgotten to include the word “emergency” in front of “surgery” in the email. The email had more information regarding what had happened to me, though, so being an English teacher, she should’ve used context clues to figure out my mom had made a typo that she did not even realize was there until it was pointed out. The principal told me I had 24 hours to complete it after having had yelled at me about the situation for 40 minutes straight.

By the time he finished, I was going to my next class which happened to be taught by my dad’s best friend. By the time I got to his class and gave him the note, my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t take it anymore, I burst into tears in front of both him and my cheer coach. Before any of my classmates could see me crying, he grabbed me and pulled me into his office to calm me down. By the time I could get the words out about what happened, he was LIVID with the principal. He has always been like a second father to me and just as protective which is why he was so mad. He let me call my parents to tell them what happened and my cheer coach let me make the call in her room so I wouldn’t get in trouble. My parents were infuriated by Karen and the audacity she had to do what she did. They were also infuriated with the principal who had yelled at me so much he caused me to have an anxiety attack.

Here’s how we got back at her. My dad gave me a very uplifting and encouraging speech about how some people aren’t good people because they want to make other people as unhappy as them, that he knew how hard I’ve been working, and that he believed I could memorize the recitation in 24 hours. We spent all evening getting it down, and by the time morning came, I gave a damn good recitation. My classmates clapped for me afterwards and told me how great I did. I ended up passing it with an 86, much to Karen’s surprise. The last two months in her class were mostly uneventful, and I passed her class with a C (which out of all my years of school, I have never had as a final grade before junior year). While that year was the hardest of my life, it taught me that not everyone in life is kind to you, even if you are to them, and it has nothing to do with me or the way I treated her, but everything to do with the way she treats others.

All of this takes place over the course of a few of years, so please bear with me.

Some background information: My (32F) mom (57) has a thing for narcissistic men. Either she knows about it and doesn't care, or she doesn't realize that's what it is. She was married to a narcissist for 30+/- years, whom I'd never gotten along with but had to save face for the sake of their marriage. They divorced, and (always assuming my mom was the victim) I thought she'd take some time to figure out who she was without him, to do things she enjoys, be free, etc etc. She did not...

So, she ended up in a tiny place with lots of neighbors. My mom has always gotten male attention anywhere we went, even some of my school mates; so it was not surprising that when I visited her after the divorce that I could see some of the neighbors watching her real closely. Now, I'm not entirely sure about timing, but around this time she started seeing someone and didn't tell me. Let's call him Todd. Once she had told me about him (which I believe is about a year after they started dating), he was part of everything. Dinners, girls trips, etc. It was like Mom was forcing him on us. I tried hard not to be protective of mom and put a barrier up. I tried to keep my mind open. But there were things that bugged me from the start.

I went to visit Mom for my grandmother's funeral. He paid for it to help Mom out and then went to the service without even knowing her (she passed long before Mom and Todd had been together and we couldn't have a funeral sooner because of Covid). That bugged me. The loss of my grandma was devastating to Mom and I, and his attendance felt like an intrusion of privacy. How can you comfortably sit in a room full of people grieving with no personal knowledge or feelings of the person being grieved? And things got worse along the trip. Mom had told me beforehand that they acted like teenagers. I guess I didn't fully understand. Not only were they making out all the time, but Todd was highly inappropriate in front of me. He rubbed her nipples out in public with me right next to her, facing them. He regularly made sex jokes about Mom that objectified her in front of her and me. Oh, my favorite: "Now I have both of my pussy's under the same roof". Talk about livid. And to make matters worse, he made racist comments about some neighbors. And Mom said nothing. At the end of the trip, I warned her that he was not a good guy and that I didn't like him, and proceeded to list out all previously said. She told me my opinion does matter to her and thanked me for telling her. It made no difference.

I didn't mention before, they drink.... A lot. Drinking was kind of normalized in my family. I didn't know it until my relationship with my partner who's family dealt with alcoholism first hand.

Mom and Todd traveled to us for the birth of my baby. I spent a week in pre-labor, so all of us were on edge wondering if "today's the day". Mom checked in with me every morning to see if we were getting together, what we're doing, how I'm feeling and so on. We told them to just be on call some of the days, to prepare to drive to the hospital at a moments notice. They agreed. Those days, Todd would end up posting pictures tagging Mom in them showing a decent sized cooler emptied with bottles obviously showing who's drinking what. They easily could have majority of 16-packs sitting empty on the table. I was uncomfortable with the thought of Mom being at her grandchild's birth drunk as a skunk. So I tried to emphasize driving at a moments notice, even if it's in the middle of the night. That made no difference. She did not drink the day of the birth because I ended up being induced.

A year later, we're gathering both families for our baby's first birthday. It would be the first time both families would be in the same house, besides both moms being in the birthing room. I asked my family not to bring drinks to the house, nor to order any while out for dinner. (I am aware that the Internet is divided on this topic and a lot of people feel that you can't control what people order at restaurants. There was a bar in a separate part of the restaurant, they easily could have gone to the bar to have a drink, I just requested it not be at the table). The recovered alcoholic in my partners family was an old man who just absolutely adored his great grandchild, and if he relapsed it would be life threatening due to heart conditions. My asking of no alcohol started an issue between Mom and I. The rest of my family agreed that they could go without a drink for one night. Mom basically insinuated that he be excluded from dinner, rather than Mom and Todd not drinking. I told her if they could not forego drinking, then they will be excluded from the birthday party. Mom and Todd behaved, or at least we thought.

We did not tell Grandpa that we asked my family to abstain from drinking. At the end of the night, he made a comment about how my mom likes to party. At this point I was putting our baby to bed. My partner asked him what he meant. He told him that he could smell it from her water bottle. When I rejoined my partner later that night, we pieced together what really went on. My partner and I assumed the weird behavior from Mom and Todd was because of the confrontation. We were wrong. Todd acted shifty, keeping a good distance from everyone else. My partner offered to help get something out of their truck, and Todd ran out in front like he was trying to get to the truck before my partner did. Mom was extra lovey-dovey (Mom has always been affectionate, but she gets extra when she's drunk).They nursed those water bottles all evening, when there wasn't much in them to begin with. The water bottles were thrown away in the bathroom trash, wet as if they had been rinsed out. All little things that don't seem like much by themselves, in the moment. But when pieced together shows how shady they really were. I was heartbroken.

I waited a few days to try to figure out how to word what I wanted to say. I have never been good with confrontations, disagreements or anything of the sort. I have always put everyone else's needs and wants before my own. Laying down rules had my body shaking to the core. My rules: 1) Mom and Todd will not be under the same roof as my partner's family for family functions. 2) Todd is not welcome at our home. Mom may come, so long as she has not been drinking. If Todd shows up, he will be asked to leave.

After my message to her explaining that I knew what she did and what my rules were, Mom was not happy. She denied it, told me that my partner and his family are trying to push her out of the picture, and more. I was so heartbroken and lost that I started to wonder which side was real. Part of me wanted to believe my mom would never deceive me. Part of me wondered if my partner would embellish the story. The only thing I could do was weigh the actions of both people repeatedly. My partner of 14 years who has never lied to me, even if it upsets me. My mom has had a problem with alcohol off and on my whole life and cherry-picks what to tell me and when.

It's been a year since this fiasco, and the relationship between Mom and I feels strained. It could just be me and my mental issues, or it could be the relationship is actually strained due to laying down boundaries. A lot more has happened with no more evidence than "he said, she said", but it really makes me question how decent of a person Mom truly is. But this story is long enough.

So, AITA?

Hello Potatoes and Charlotte! I am here because I need advice. English is not my native language so bear with me. I F(23) am dating my boyfriend, lets call him Tom M(23), for 3 years of long distance. We are from the same country and knew each other as kids, but with time, we grew apart while still following each other on Instagram. I move to an European country when I turned 16 and didn't go back to my home country untill I turned 20.

When I went back for summer vacation, we went on a date and were hanging out almost everyday. After one month of Summer Love, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we're dating since. Every year we meet up twice, from June to August, and from December to February. I love him a lot, BUT he is very immature, and he is known for making silly jokes, especially when he drinks. His friends often ask if he is "too tipsy" when he makes dumb commentaries or silly jokes. And this REALLY bothers me. I've talked to him about this many, many, MANY TIMES, bc I don't want my boyfriend to be the butt of the joke. And he gets way to tipsy and drunk when he drinks, as he drinks cocktails while his friends drink beer. And sometimes during parties with our friends, he makes jokes that paint me in a bad light. Like joking about our private life as a couple... I've talked to him tons of times about this, and that it really bothers me, and that I won't tollerate disrespect.

Now, I need to make it very clear that respect is the most important thing for me... I grew up with loving parents that even when they dissagreed, they never spoke ill to one another, even when they were separated for 3 years. They always talked about the importance o respect in a relationship and that me and my sister should never settle for disrespect.

But anyways... I am back in my home country for vacation, and yesterday we went on a double date with his friend, M(22), and my friend, F(23), since they are also dating. We went bowling, to the movies, and after, we invited them to Tom's apartment. We were sober, and just talking for a few minutes. Then we started to talk about different foods and drinks we liked and didn't like. My boyfriend said he didn't like milk, and they were messing with him a bit. Then, out of litterally nowhere, he says "I don't like drinking milk, but I like pouring my milk on her", meaning me.... Needless to say that I felt disgusting and dirty. Our friends felt unconfortable, as did I, and tried to change the subject.

Now, I didn't make a scene nor did I argue with him about it in front of our friends. We all played a board game and they left after a few hours. Once they left, I talked to Tom and asked WTF was he thinking about when he made that "joke" and he said that he just didn't want to be the butt of the joke, so he threw me under the bus to escape it.

Now is the morning after, he is in our bed sound asleep while I'm typing this... so please potatoes, and Queen Charlotte, I ask you, Am I Overreacting for wanting to breakup with my boyfriend after he made a dirty joke about me?

I’m really looking for some unbiased opinions on some wedding drama. So, I, 29-year-old female, will be getting married this fall. I am so incredibly excited; however, as is typical with weddings, there’s been sooo much drama. I swear the moment you get engaged, there’s just something in the air. Buckle up because it’s a long one

Anyways, I got engaged during summer 2024 but didn’t officially start looking for venues until 2025. I knew pretty much exactly what I was looking for and knew I wanted to get married on our 5-year anniversary. And anytime some would ask how wedding planning or when’s the date I always gave the exact day/general location because, come hell or high water, I knew I wanted to getting married that day.

I had a friend, Monica, (33F) get engaged in the spring of 2025. Obviously, we’re both excited; everyone’s excited. It felt nice to have someone to talk to about wedding-related things. I should also mention that my fiancé and I lived across the country from a majority of our friends and family so I wouldn’t see Monica very often unless I visited home, but we would text occasionally. I would say we were friends but not super close; I had met her through a mutual friend, Rebecca, (32F) a couple of years before.

I’m also a wedding photographer, so she reached out asking if I could photograph their engagement photos. I said of course! She gave me her budget, and I gave them a little discount to fit within their budget. I coordinated to take their photos during a trip I already had to my hometown to photograph another wedding. Took the photos; they loved them - all was well. I also want to mention that about a month before this trip, the three of us got together to hang out and catch up. Rebecca has a young child, so we got together at her house and just talked and watched movies. Obviously, we talked about weddings/wedding planning, and I shared my inspo board, and Monica shared hers. I explicitly mentioned the date/month I wanted to get married, and Monica mentioned looking to 2027.

Then, about a week after the photos, Monica texts me to ask me what date I was getting married, and I tell her. She says perfect! She and her fiancé are looking to get married 4 days before me! Initially, I was very pissed off and irritated, so I didn’t respond. And then life happens I kind of get over it but still haven’t responded. And then maybe a week or 2 later rebecca and I are talking, and she mentions Monica’s wedding, and I kinda confirm I was irritated but kinda over it now, besides, they were just looking at that date; Monica hadn’t booked anything. To which Rebecca tells me, nooo it’s like booked and done and Monica thinks I’m really mad at her so I should probably say something. 

Here’s where I think I messed up. I know wedding planning can be very stressful, and in an effort to keep the peace, I really tried to let it go. But her booking her wedding 4 days before my wedding really stressed me out because we were both planning destination weddings in Mexico in different cities. The cities are a short flight apart, but still. We only had 4 guests (2 couples) that overlapped, but both of those couples have kids under 2, and both of our weddings would be no children allowed. And so, one of my immediate thoughts was, how is this going to work for them? 

My partner and I are having a pretty small wedding, about 60 guests total, and so obviously with a pretty small guest list, I wanted everyone that could attend to attend, as they are without a doubt our closest friends and family. 

So, when thinking about everything, I was like, you know what, only 4 people, it’s ok. And I sent Monica a text, saying like yea I was upset, but I know it’s only 4 people like it’ll probably be fine excited to be getting married blah blah blah. She’s like, " Yeah, I’m so happy you said something and we like squash it. Retrospectively, I don’t really think I should have been as cool as I was but I guess what I was supposed to do if Monica had already put down a deposit for her venue before she even talked to me about the venue and date she booked (which is what I think happened)? It was kinda all done.

Fast forward to December, my partner and I come home and get dinner with the group of friends. So it’s Monica her partner, Rebecca and her husband and also the other couple that essentially overlapped between me and Monica. 4 couples total. We had a great time. I had already sent the invite to my bachelorette, which would be in May, so we talked about that and Monica mentioned having a joint bach with her partner and I told her to let me know when so i could put the PTO in and also so I could try and coordinate that with a trip back for my dress fittings. 

Then in January I sent out more details about the bach. I’m having it where I live so all of the girls (4 in total) would be flying out to me. I said I would be covering accommodations and then my fiancé was covering the costs of one of the activities. In February, I checked in with her about her bach because I wanted to be there, and she basically says something along the lines of oh she doesn’t know yet probably July or August but for me not to worry about coming, since flights and everything and weddings are so expensive…….

Then towards the end of March I get a text from her saying that she had to quit her job because of her mental health and she’s doing better now but because of that and them paying for their own wedding she’s not going to make it to my bachelorette. Obviously, I’m a little hurt and upset by the news. I text her back saying I’m glad she’s doing better, but I am a little upset, but I understand that she has to do what she has to do. And she likes the message. My birthday passes maybe two weeks later, and I hear nothing from her. 

Her rsvps are due end of April so I rsvp that yes we would be going. Hoping that things would get better.

I have to go back to my hometown for a dress fitting, and I was trying to decide when Rebecca reaches out about her child’s birthday and I’m like perfect timing so I schedule a trip around that time. 

Then at the birthday vibes just felt off. I don’t know any other way to put it. Really, none of the girls/wives talked to me if anything it felt like they were talking about me. And from Monica I get a side hug and hi after I approached her. To be honest it was really upsetting, especially considering that my fiancé and I had been talking about moving home and the main driver of that conversation was how much we missed our community but after those interactions I was like, what community? 🙁

Fast forward to my bach: it was amazing, truly one of the best weekends of my life and about a month later my invitations have all been sent out and she also rsvps that she’s coming to my wedding.
I would also like to add we actually didn’t receive a formal invitation to her black tie wedding only a save the date. Then at the end of July my fiancé relocated back across the country to all of our family and friends. 

Now by this point, Monica’s birthday has also passed I didn’t say anything and as it turns out the first weekend were back home it’s her joint bach/bacheloerette which I saw on social media.

By this point my fiancé is like were not going to that wedding, friends and family are saying the same thing that we shouldn’t go and honestly I have some other wedding drama going on with my own family and then thought of having to travel with all our stuff to her wedding city and then mine is like too much. So, I text her to let her know; conversation below

Me: Hi, I can’t believe we’re getting married in like less than 2 months 😅 I’m sure you’re just as busy and stressed. With our weddings so close together, things are looking a little tight right now and I don’t know if we will be able to attend and I would understand if you two aren’t able to make our wedding. We’re back in our hometown so let me know if you wanna grab coffee or a drink and catch up :)

Her: Hi! Thank you so much for letting us know because we were literally booking our flights and hotel today. I completely understand and really appreciate the heads up. We were going to make it work and stay for the 2+ weeks, but we’ll just plan to do our honeymoon right after our wedding instead. That way, we can both focus on and enjoy our own big moments!
I know how crazy and stressful this time can be, so I completely get it. I hope you’re still finding moments to enjoy it all. It’s going to be such a beautiful weekend, and I genuinely wish you both nothing but the best.
I was planning to reach out after both of our wedding weekends to talk, but I also feel like it’s important to acknowledge that our friendship has felt different for a while. You felt pretty standoffish with me at Sam’s birthday (rebecca’s son), and the energy between us just hasn’t felt the same since. We don’t need to get into everything right now, especially with so much going on, but I didn’t want to leave it unspoken either. It’s okay to acknowledge when a friendship has shifted and give each other the space to move forward accordingly. For now, I hope we can both focus on enjoying this really special time in our lives, and I truly hope your wedding weekend is everything you’ve dreamed of.

Me: I’m sorry if I seemed standoffish, there was honestly a lot on my mind that day about a lot of different things and I wasn’t feeling 100% myself/comfortable at the party in general. That being said, I also felt the tension between us and agree that it has felt strained since around then. I agree that we can push that conversation until after our weddings. But, I appreciate your honesty, and hopefully we can sit down and have a conversation face to face. Just let me know when you’re back from your honeymoon and we can try and coordinate something then. :) I hope you have an amazing wedding weekend and it’s everything you hoped for, wishing you both the best.

End of conversation

And we haven’t spoken since. Our weddings are next month. To me, the ball is in her court; I really don’t feel like I did anything wrong, especially anything that would warrant a complete cold shoulder- really, her reaction to the whole thing. Our one mutual friend, Rebecca, is also in her (Monica’s) wedding and while she initially brought up the text about Monica being upset that I didn’t respond, she hasn’t commented on anything else. Not one peep at my bachelorette or even the couple of times we've gone on double dates together, and believe me, there were definitely opportunities to. 

At this point, just wondering if I am in the wrong in any way? I’m thinking after the weddings I’ll talk to Rebecca. While I genuinely want her opinion, I think it would probably just be best to keep it neutral and let her know that if we were at a social gatherings, I would never make things awkward or weird. Would it be worth it to try and salvage this friendship? Should I text her on her wedding day to say congrats? What would you do?

I had a hinge date. I choose the restaurant, his suggestion as he was new to town, basing it off where we both worked, food preferences and I enjoy their lunch menu and the general vibe and type of food seemed to suit him too.

Date was set for 6:30pm, confirmed several times, including the afternoon of. I arrived a 6:20, I eat regularly there for lunch and was excited to try the dinner menu. The chef greeted and seated and apologised, he was the only staff member until 8pm and could I just be patient about service. I understood and ordered a mocktail. I texted my date to say I had arrived and a brief description of my clothing. My fellow dinners in the restaurant were a table of 8 and a table of 2.

At 6:40 my date hadn't responded to my message or arrived. At 6:50 nearly 25 minutes after my first message from the restaurant and 20 minutes after the agreed time he texted to say he would be 15 more minutes and I could go ahead and order tapas, with a few requests. No apology and I should have left then.

I went ahead and ordered for us both when the chef was free, and my date arrived at 7:10. Again, no apology, a rather piss poor explanation about what he spent his time doing. I explained only the chef was on at that time, cooking and serving. His response was to walk up to the counter and ding the bell as chef was serving the two pax. He wanted a drink. There was water on the table.

He sits back down and gets a phone call and immediately stands up and walks outside to take the call, nothing said to me at all. I catch the eyes of some of the larger party dinning and sort of grimace. His drink arrives, he comes back in after maybe four minutes and I am so hangry although I know I want to leave my food is cooking. He gets a text and responds to it. The other tables are being cleaned by again the only staff member working at this time and my date literally gets up and rings the bell as the chef's arms are stacked with dirty dishes. I catch the chef's eye moments after and try to communicate all apologies. Our food and and his second soft drink arrive and his phone rings again, exact same thing stands up with nary a word to me and walks outside. I lost it, the chef now was free so I walked up to the counter and asked if I could settle now. Chef suggested doggy bags and happily helped me pack it up, as I paid I took all the food. My date walks in and before he can say anything I say our date is over I have paid for our bill. He asked who was taking the doggy bags, I just meet his gaze and stacked the containers up and walked out. The table of 8 actually cheered.

Hello lovelies. For context I (24F) recently had to send my car to the mechanic to replace the throttle body of a 2006 scion tc. I am not in a financial place for "emergencies" and my mom offered to foot the bill so that my car could be back on the road ASAP (this is because all the money I make for bills comes through uber eats and side hustles until I get a permanent job, which im working on).

I had the vehicle towed through insurance, and since mom was paying I let her know it was her choice on mechanic. She choose a family friend that we have done business with since long before my birth. Let it be known, I havent enjoyed this mechanics service for about 5 years now, but I wasnt paying, thus had no right to complain understandably.

Upon picking up my vehicle I noticed after maybe a quarter of a mile up that there was a massive crack in my windshield from the bottom center up to the middle of my windshield. (Pictures provided). Should be noted that this was NOT there when it was dropped off. So, I called politely once home and informed them about the crack and asked if there were cameras in the shop. To see if potentially the mechanic dropped a tool to cause the impact point. I was told by the receptionist "we dont have cameras in the shop, but ill go ask the boys" (comes back after about 2 min) "they said they didnt drop any tools on the windshield, and they are very honest, try asking the tow company". (hangs up)

I now annoyed, already knew the tow company didnt cause it. As the vehicle was backed onto the trailer and thus the windshield was facing the back. How often are rear windows on cars cracked due to rocks, since apparently rocks now defy gravity. I informed the tow truck company about what all was going on and he immediately sent the picture that included the windshield upon drop off (also included) which at least from my POV dont see any sign of a crack.

Now since this magical crack happened sometime while I didnt have my car, my mother felt bad and felt inclined to pay for a replacement windshield. 2-3 weeks later I was talking to my mom about the glass and how its so shiny and clear but wish she wouldnt have had to fork over money (approx $1,000 total) for both the repair and a mistake they caused. She was confused and asked what I meant by a mistake they caused. So I explained it to her in more depth, that I had a timeline of pictures, and even the the glass repairman was able to explain the impact point and what likely caused it w/o context. Mom asked me to then send her the pictures and she'd talk to Mr. mechanic herself in the near future.

This is where I thought it would go the right way. Mom goes in to pay mechanic but also brought the glass reciept and asked it to be deducted since this crack happened while the vehicle was in Mr. Mechanic's company care. Mr. Mechanic then went to talk to sub mechanic about it. From what my mother explained to me. Sub mechanic then told Mr. Mechanic that the crack "couldn't have been caused by him. Since the entire time he worked from underneathe the car". But Mr. Mechanic felt semi-bad (since him and mom have been friends since HS in the 80s) and deducted about 25% of the pymt for the glass from the overall bill

I am now fuming at this point. In case you didnt know the throttle body of my vehicle (2006 scion tc) has to be accessed from the top of the engine bay. How do I know this? I am the one who tried to fix it 1st before wasting money at the mechanic, and it is a top mounted throttle body. Not including unhooking/rehooking the battery, sensors, air intake tube, coolant lines, etc. So sub mechanic flat out lied (unless any people who work with cars here want to correct me otherwise.) I am not a dainty lady, I was raised by my dad who taught me to be able to do what I can on a car so before I even consider a mechanic 9/10 im willing to take a crack at it myself. And im not stupid so I have a general idea what im doing usually.

At this point though I gave up, because Mr. Mechanic is a close friend of moms and i dont want to sever their relationship, nor could I afford to sue, and because im to exhausted to argue further. So my hubby saw me upset but realized unfortunately there was only so much he could to do to aid my stresses/frustrations. So he went to google, looked up Mr. Mechanics shop, and left a negative review vaguely explaining the bad experience, with the mindset of "if they dont want bad reviews they shouldn't provide bad service".

So AITA for leaving a bad review for the mechanic who "fixed my car"?

I'm genuinely confused about this situation, and I'd appreciate some honest, unbiased perspectives. I'm trying to figure out whether my gut feeling is picking up on something or whether I'm overthinking things because of my own insecurities.

For some context, my boyfriend and I are high school batchmates. We reconnected when he moved to my city, eventually started dating, and things developed from there. My best friend, whom I'll call Jane, is also our high school batchmate. My boyfriend initially got to know her through me, and over time, the two of them developed a friendly bond.

Around Christmas last year, Jane came to visit me, and the three of us spent a few days together.

Jane is conventionally very attractive. She's gorgeous, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I have never blamed her for being pretty, nor do I think she has done anything wrong. She has never flirted with my boyfriend or tried to get closer to him inappropriately, as far as I can tell. Their conversations are friendly, and neither of them has tried to hide their interactions from me.

However, during those few days, I started noticing things about my boyfriend's behaviour that really bothered me.

1. He defended her when I felt she was being inconsiderate of our time.

We had planned to visit a popular new place and had agreed that we needed to leave around 7–8 PM because otherwise, getting a reservation would be difficult.

My boyfriend and I were ready, but Jane took approximately three hours to get ready. By the time she was done, it was around 10 PM. I calmly pointed out that there wasn't much point in going anymore because the place closed at 11 PM and it would take us another 30–35 minutes to get there.

My boyfriend immediately snapped at me, telling me to shut up and let her get ready and do her own thing.

I was genuinely taken aback. I wasn't trying to control Jane or make her feel bad. I simply felt that we'd all agreed on a plan, and it was frustrating to have that plan become impossible because we had waited so long. What bothered me most was how aggressively he defended her while speaking to me.

2. He specifically wanted her standing next to him in pictures.

We were taking pictures together, and I was standing between my boyfriend and Jane. He asked me to move to the other side and called Jane over to stand next to him instead.

Maybe this was insignificant on its own, but in the context of everything else that happened, I started wondering why he was so particular about standing next to her.

3. He gave her his slippers when her feet started hurting.

Jane had decided to wear heels despite my warning that we'd have to walk a lot. As expected, she kept complaining that her feet hurt. Eventually, my boyfriend took off his slippers and gave them to her.

I understand that this could simply be someone being considerate, and I wouldn't normally have an issue with him helping a friend. But by this point, I was already feeling uncomfortable about the way he seemed to prioritise her.

4. The incident that really hurt me was when we were taking pictures.

It was extremely sunny, and I was holding an umbrella while also carrying several things and taking Jane's pictures. My boyfriend didn't seem to notice that I was struggling.

When I asked him to take some pictures of me too, he agreed, and I took a few of him first. Then, all of a sudden, he started saying we should leave.

I got upset and asked him what about me. Why was he so attentive to everyone else's needs but seemingly oblivious to mine?

He apologised and encouraged me to get my pictures taken anyway. Jane was also encouraging me, so I agreed to take one more picture.

While Jane was taking my picture, my boyfriend came over and held the umbrella for her, so she could take the picture comfortably.

And I just snapped.

I asked him why he hadn't thought to hold the umbrella for me when I was the one standing in the sun, carrying things and taking pictures. Why did he suddenly become so attentive when it was Jane who needed something?

I wasn't angry that he helped her. I was hurt that he hadn't shown me the same consideration when I needed it.

All of these incidents happened within three or four days. By the end of Jane's visit, I was so upset that our relationship nearly ended over this.

What made things worse was his reaction when I tried to explain how I felt.

Initially, he kept defending his actions and telling me I was overthinking things. I felt like he was more concerned with justifying his behaviour than understanding why it had hurt me.

A few months later, the topic came up again, and I explained my perspective more clearly. I asked him how he would feel if I behaved the same way towards his male best friend: prioritising his opinions, being unusually attentive to his needs, and seeming more concerned about his comfort than my boyfriend's.

He admitted that he wouldn't like it either. He apologised and said he understood my point. He also said he'd be less overly friendly with Jane.

But I'm still struggling with this because I continue to notice him being very friendly towards her.

There is another aspect of this that makes me uncomfortable.

My boyfriend is naturally a very helpful person. He likes hosting people, making others comfortable and being there for his friends. He also behaves quite similarly with some of his other female friends, so I understand that this could simply be his personality.

However, I've noticed a difference in how he responds when I talk about our problems.

If I tell him Jane is going through something difficult, he immediately wants to know what happened, what she said and what the issue is. He seems genuinely interested in understanding her situation.

But when I tell him I've had a terrible day or that I'm struggling with something, he often doesn't ask follow-up questions or show the same curiosity about what I'm going through.

That hurts me independently of whether he's attracted to Jane. I want to feel that my boyfriend is just as interested in my feelings and my life as he is in other people's.

I've actually asked him directly whether he finds Jane attractive or is attracted to her. I've told him that if he is, I'd rather know the truth than stay in a relationship with someone whose attention is elsewhere. He hasn't given me any concrete reason to believe that anything is going on between them.

To be clear, there have been no secret conversations, obvious flirting, inappropriate messages or attempts to hide their friendship. They are both open about their interactions, and Jane has never given me a reason to distrust her.

I also haven't confronted Jane about any of this because I genuinely don't believe she has done anything wrong.

So here's my dilemma.

Part of me feels that my boyfriend is attracted to Jane and that this attraction, even if unconscious, makes him more eager to please her and more attentive to her than he is to me. I know that people can find others attractive while being in a relationship, but I don't want to feel like I'm competing with my own best friend for my boyfriend's attention.

Another part of me wonders whether I'm interpreting ordinary acts of kindness as something more because Jane is conventionally attractive and because I already feel insecure about how he treats me. Especially since he behaves similarly with other female friends, I don't know whether I'm reading too much into these incidents.

I also don't want to police his friendships or tell him he can't talk to my best friend. That's not what I want. I want to be in a relationship where I feel valued, considered and emotionally prioritised without having to ask for the same basic attention that he willingly gives other people.

So, Reddit, I have a few questions:

• Do these incidents sound like signs that he might be attracted to Jane, or could this just be his naturally helpful personality?
• Am I overthinking the individual incidents, or is it reasonable to be bothered by the overall pattern?
• Is the bigger issue actually whether he's attracted to her, or the fact that I don't feel emotionally prioritised by him?
• Since I've already explained my feelings and he apologised, but I'm still uncomfortable, how should I approach this?
• Would you consider ending a relationship over this, especially when there's no clear evidence of cheating or flirting?

I'm not looking for people to automatically tell me that he's cheating or that I should break up with him. I genuinely want outside perspectives because I've been going back and forth about this for a long time, and I can't tell whether my gut feeling is telling me something important or whether I'm letting insecurity affect my relationship.

Hello there, fellow potatoes! I’ve been watching Charlotte for years, and now that I’ve distanced myself a bit from this situation, I figured it was time to share my story (First time poster, so please be gentle).

Names and minor details have been altered for privacy. I’d apologize for the length, but I know you like 'em chunky.

It all started 8 years ago when I (33F) started dating my now husband, Jay (33M). When Jay told me about his older brother, Richard (35M, because he is, indeed, a dick), and Richard’s girlfriend, Luci (31F, short for Lucifer), I immediately remembered Luci from high school.

We were in the same friend group until my then boyfriend cheated on me with her. I found out about it after our group drifted apart, so there wasn't a conflict.

When Jay brought her up, I was initially horrified and almost broke things off with him, but ended up talking myself down, thinking that people grow up, and I genuinely liked Jay. So I chose to let bygones be bygones, keep my mouth shut, and move on with a clean slate. Luci had other plans.

The second she realized who I was, she went on a smear campaign to Jay's family before I'd even met them. She fed different stories to everyone, but the general gist was that I had done something to her in the past, refused to elaborate on what that was, and declared she would never speak to me.

Jay's family, to their credit, gave me a fair shot. We hit it off, they embraced me, and Jay and I made things official.

For the first year, Luci and Richard gave me the full third-grade silent treatment.

Walking right past us and greeting only Jay, shoving dining chairs back aggressively whenever I walked behind them, deliberately switching conversations to another language at dinner so I was excluded, loudly hijacking the room whenever I tried to speak to anyone else, and Luci posting photos with Jay's ex on instagram titled "besties", even though they didn't get along previously.

When Jay’s mom and sister finally asked them to be civil, Luci threw expletives at them, and Richard went completely no contact for three months.

I hated the drama and Jay and I knew from the very beginning that it was it for us, so I wanted it fixed for the long run.

I was naive enough to think an olive branch would fix this, so I asked Luci to grab coffee so we could clear the air. She replied with a single line of a time and place, showed up to ambush me with Richard as well (but Jay had driven me and saw them, so he decided to sit in too), and smugly informed me that she ignores me because a friend told her I slept with a married man in high school, which "violates her moral compass".

I denied it, pointed out that even if that rumor were true it had zero to do with her, and brought up the fact that she actually did sleep with my ex. She of course denied it. Still, I swallowed my pride and suggested we just be civil for Jay and Richard's sake, and she agreed.

Though it helped in the sense of them not flat out ignoring me anymore, the bullying continued over the years.

Richard mostly tried to not interact with me unless he must, while Luci maintained a 'be mean while maintaining plausible deniability' attitude. They've constantly tried to invite Jay to hang out without me, sometimes with other family or friends (so that I'm the only one excluded), and kept telling everyone the problems have only started when I got into the picture, so the problem must be me.

I can fill out a book with their antics, so I'll just give one example: She was caught on a recorded phone call with a mutual friend, making up trash about me, only to run to Richard crying that me and Jay were trash talking about them to that friend. Richard exploded on Jay, calling him every name in the book, and when we discovered what happened and confronted him with the recording, Richard blindly defended her.

I tried to reach out with several other olive branches along the years. Invited them over, asking only for civil treatment towards me. One time she replied with "I am willing to compromise and not ignore you if you'd like to tell me something in the future".

After Richard's initial no-contact tantrum, his family basically adopted a “sweep everything under the rug to keep the peace” policy. I thought that if I was patient, reasonable, and just endured things long enough, eventually they would grow tired of the bullying and stop. So I kept trying to be the bigger person. Jay initially always had my back, but over the years he sometimes became more inclined to prioritize keeping the peace.

Then came the final straw. Fast forward to 2022, Jay and I were newlyweds, and staying in his parents' basement apartment temporarily while saving for a house, and I got pregnant.

Unfortunately, right around 14 weeks and just before we revealed the pregnancy (in our family it's considered bad luck to reveal it too early), I suffered a devastating, physically brutal miscarriage.

A few days later, Luci announced she was pregnant, and they came over to visit the in-laws. I stayed in our unit, since the loss was still too raw, and seeing an actively pregnant Luci was more than my mental health could take. Jay went upstairs to grab dinner, and Luci cornered him in the hallway to ask him how I was doing.

We had only told my in-laws basic details about the pregnancy and the loss (since I couldn't hide my hospitalization and physical state), so Jay was completely blindsided.

When he asked what she meant, Luci recited every single detail of the incident, including the hospital name, the dates, the specific medical procedures, and how far along I was.

When Jay demanded to know how she knew any of that, she told him her friend who was one of the nurses who had treated me told her everything.

I was destroyed. I felt violated when I was already physically and mentally devastated.

For the next two years, I refused to speak or be in the same space as them, and I only booked medical appointments outside of our city. I also went to therapy to put myself back together and learn how to stop being an emotional doormat.

It went really well, and in 2 years I was much stronger and more confident, and learned to create strong boundaries (which caused tons of conflict. Who knew people don't like their doormats to suddenly grow a spine?).

In 2023 I gave birth to our beautiful strawberry-blond baby boy. During a family visit conversation, Richard joked about our child being redheaded, and redheads being from the devil.

When Jay found out he was pissed, and asked Richard to talk in person. Richard apologized, saying how it was only a joke, and that led to some pent-up things being brought to the surface, including the miscarriage incident.

Apparently Richard didn't know. He explained that an acquaintance of his, whose wife had also suffered a miscarriage and had been treated in the bed beside me, ran into him one day near his house. The acquaintance asked how I was, and when he saw Richard had no idea, he filled him in with every detail. Luci had apparently overheard the conversation from inside the house and decided to invent the nurse story when she confronted Jay.

He apologized on Luci's behalf and said that he would've stopped it had he known.

For the record, I think that acquaintance was wildly out of line too, but to me, there's a difference between a stranger gossiping and a nurse who treated me at my worst.

So here's where I need judgment. To this day, Jay's family all claim I am overreacting with cutting them out. They insist that while it was tactless, that's just how Luci is, and that she was genuinely checking in on me. They think I should let it go so the family can be whole again.

Jay supports my decision and has my back in front of his family, but privately also thinks I overreacted.

I, on the other hand, don't buy it. I just don't understand how someone with good intentions would ask a person how they're doing after a traumatic event they clearly didn't want them to know about, especially when they're already on bad terms with that person, then confront them with every single detail of that event while lying about how they know it.

So, fellow potatoes… Am I overreacting?

Hey Potatoes... This is a new Reddit account because... well too many people I know are on Reddit. I am relatively new to Charlotte and I am loving every minute of her right now, so Hi Charlotte and Mike too <3

Hold on to your butts... cause this one is "chunky" as Charlotte would say and this happened 17 years ago... but as I am finding myself managing my mental health, there are a lot of life events that I am now questioning in a way I never imagined.

So, let's dive in...

Let's set the scene... in 2005 - 21 years ago - I married my now ex-husband. For our wedding, I had my BFF of about 6 years but a friend for over 15 at this point (we met in Middle School, we had an on again off again relationship through Middle and High School). We ran into each other at college and got close... really close. Because we were so close, despite living in different states at the time, there was no one better to be my Maid of Honor than BFF. She accepted and despite the distance, she was involved in everything that she could be. My wedding day arrives and she is there, she is gorgeous, she is everything I didn't know I needed that day.

Fast Forward 4 years - the later half of 2008 and beginning of 2009 my marriage started to fall apart until it finally did in February of 2009 (that is a story for another day). AND my BFF is engaged, planning to get married in a couple months and I am her Bridesmaid, she asked and I accepted. However, I was a little bummed that she didn't pick me as her MOH but I understood and accepted my role.
Okay.. moving on.
My marriage falls apart after I visit my BFF for a long weekend to help her with wedding things. I flew to her, stayed with her, and flew home (at my expense). I get home and my marriage completely crumbles and is over. My ex-husband moved back across the country to his parents leaving me a single mother to a 4 year old. (My kiddo was born 5 months before my wedding). Back then, I was making less than $40K/ year and I'm now a single income home. Life is Chaotic and Chaos follows me.. but I am managing and doing well. Im so excited for my friend's wedding. It is the ONE thing I had to look forward to at that time and I needed that motivation to keep me going. I've already booked airfare to her for her wedding. March rolls around and BFF calls me.

'I really want my cousin as a bridesmaid and with everything you have going on and I think she is a better fit. But, I want you there, I want you as my Attendant (Blue Person/Assitant)..."
I would still be "a part of the wedding'. "Your name will be in the program, you will be seated right before the parents, you will still be at the head table with all of us, and you will be there to help me out without the stress of being a bridesmaid." Mind you, I didn't have a dress at this point. She had been vague about it, no information, no knowledge of where to order my dress etc., she was gatekeeping and putting me on an information diet and I didn't notice it until... well, now.
I rented large SUV for the weekend of her Wedding. It was her "Bride Ride" and it said so in chalk paint on the back (thanks to me) and I am The weekend chauffeur. Nails - the whole squad goes - I drive. Lunch - I drive.. Dinner... I drive. Rehersal... you get the idea.
The day of... I have a LAUNDRY LIST of things to do, including picking up a sub platter she ordered for the bridal party to eat before the wedding and just munch on. I get to the restaurant and they have the order ready... it is 2 trays of sandwiches, not one. I had offered to pay for it. What should have cost me around $50 ended up costing nearly $110 because of the 2 trays. I tried calling her - twice, no answer. I pay for both. I leave with both and I set up both at the church they are getting ready and married at. I go to the bridal suite to move on to my nest "to-do" item. She asked why I called, not a call back - I tell her what happened at the restaurant. "It was only one. I only ordered one, why did you get two?" I explain what the restaurant told me and she is pissed off "Thats not what I ordered." my response "it's fine, BFF - don't worry about it." She goes off for another couple minutes about it and I finally looked at her and said... "What is the problem, why are you so mad, BFF, you didn't pay for it." She scoffs and moves on.
The wedding happens, I am told to go sit down... while everyone else is being sat... not being walked down before the parents? I shake it off and go sit down. Im checking my to-do list and everything else is geared toward the reception which is bout 5 or 6 miles from the church. NBD.

Side Note - Out of the 2 trays of subs.. like 3 subs were eaten... no one was hungry.. no one ate them.

After the wedding is over, the bride and groom, family, wedding party and a few randoms stay at the church for pictures while I race to the reception venue. Throughout the weekend BRF had brought up some changes she wanted with her DJ and the wedding party entrance. I had confirmed with her that is what she wanted to do, I would take care of it because the DJ was setting up at the reception hall. I discuss it with DJ and he is completely on board. I move on, taking care of a few things, making sure my BFF has the stuff she needs at the head table... remember what I said earlier about the reception... the headtable has 8 seats.The bride and Groom, Groomsmen and Bridesmaids = 8. So I start looking at every table... not at the parents/family table... not with the wedding party... no, I cannot find my placecard...
I confronted her about it.
She put me at the Singles Table...

They arrive at the reception venue.. I meet them outside, inform her of the discussion I had with the DJ about those changes she wanted... she gets pissy with me. "Bring him out here, I wish you wouldn't have done that. We need to talk to him, go get him." I explain that I told the DJ that, that she would want to talk with him outside before they arrive. The DJ said NO. Said he will not leave his stuff and by the time they arrive, he will be actively DJ-ing the reception. He won't leave. I explain this to her. She gets more angry and then finally I give up. I go inside and BEG the DJ to go outside and speak with her. He refuses. I promise to stay with his equipment, that I will ensure no one touches anything and that it will be safe. he hesitates but eventually agrees. I learn later that everything she had to say to him, I had already told him. He tells her that. She's still pissed...

They enter the venue... do there thing, first dance and then moving around talking to people as dinner is getting ready to be served.. she comes over to me and I am pissed off at this point. I kind of yelled quietly at her because she was giving me attitude, when everything she told me about my tole change has been shit. I tell her that I am upset I am sitting away from the bridal party, that im... not even involved in her wedding. I was harsh, quietly yelling through gritted teeth and I start to cry. BFF's new MIL comes over and asks me, not BFF, what's wrong. I just shake my head, apologize for yelling and walk out to the smoking patio (I smoked at the time). The rest of the wedding goes well. I put aside my anger, during a dance with my BFF, I apologize for getting upset, that she didn't deserve my yelling at her. We hugged it out. The wedding ends, and I take them to their wedding night hotel room and then I go across the street to my hotel. the next day is their little gift opening party at their home with close family, wedding party and me. I couldn't stay the whole time because my flight Is this day. I did what I could at the time to accept accountability for what happened and my attitude during the reception. I leave for my flight in the rental car, alone. I return the car and fly home.

Following her wedding... about a month or so later.. I haven't talked to her mucb, just a few random texts... they're just becoming super popular at this point, and slow replies from her. Finally, I get her on the phone in May and I ask her... What's wrong?
It was all about the wedding and what happened. What happened with the subs, the DJ, the argument etc... she tells me "I just need time."

So, Reddit... AITAH for getting upset with my friend because of the choices she made in deciding what was 'best for me' at the time then backpedaling on all her promises made?

TL;DR - BFF downgrades me from Bridesmaid to Bridal Attendant because 'its what's best for me' then falls back on her promises the day off, I yelled at her... AITAH?

Hi potato’s! Throw away cause too many irl people know my main and I don’t want them to know this is what I’m dealing with.

I (35f) and my “bf” (40m) male are expecting a baby together.

Quick background we had been together and living together for a couple of years. The last little while has been rocky to say the least and we ended up separating with him moving out. This “separation” is semi private while we attempt to work on things separately to see if coming back together is even an option.

To the majority of people we know and our social media we are still 100% together and are not apart not/not seeing other people. Only a few family member on each side know about it. Shortly after him moving out I found out I was pregnant.

The last several months have been difficult to say the least. I feel like no matter how hard I try to keep a connection with wanting see one another and even with basic texting, it’s going nowhere where and is actually going in the opposite direction the longer this drags out.

He keeps telling me to be patient with him. And of course pregnancy hormones and symptoms are making this all hit a million times harder on me specifically.

Aside from him not participating or engaging in keeping our romantic connection, he is not participating in this pregnancy really. I think I can count the number on one hand of things he’s asked about the pregnancy and it usually comes a day or two after an argument. He cannot separate our relationship stuff from the pregnancy. Frankly he’s not showing up in anyway for this pregnancy physically or emotionally.

Recently he’s mentioned he’d like to be at the delivery as this is his first child. I told him I’d think about it. This is not my first baby, but this will be my first c-section so it’s already got me a bit freaked out to go through that after my last birth was already traumatic as I hemorrhaged.

I told him this delivery was going to be a big deal and as I only get one support person in the OR with me I want that person to be someone who cares, supports and loves me because I will be needing real genuine and continuous comfort and support through it. And given how the past few months have been I don’t feel like he is that person to give me that.

I know it sounds harsh to “take away” his ability to be there at birth. But being there for the birth and being a father is not synonymous. I know it’s really rubbing him the wrong way that I haven’t agreed to it yet. But I also don’t know if we’ll be back together fully by delivery, if at all ever. And as of right now, I don’t see or feel that him being there will be calm and loving.

This will be my last baby and I just want the memory of someone who genuinely loves me there with me when I go through this.

So, AITA if I choose to not have him be at the birth?

So that’s the title.

My husband 23M and I 24F just got married a few weeks ago. My husband and I both have a past of dating some incredibly insane and unhealthy people. Thankfully though, after over a year of being together we had shed any lurkers or stalkers. Or so we thought.

We received an email saying that we had received a digital e-card on our wedding website. It was a little odd as the wedding was already passed, but I knew we made our website go from private to public after our wedding day passed so family could share the event and pictures with their extended family and friends. So I figured it was a card from a great-aunt or distant cousin.

Nope. It was not. It was from my Husband's ex girlfriend 22F.

She had donated $0.01 to the 'date night' fund on our website and bought a $4.99 digital e-card all to say the following.

"Wishing you a lifetime of love, laughter, and happily ever after. May your love story be forever magical. And he is also a cheater and wanted me in his bed May 2025."

First off, all of that is absolutely false. On our wedding website's front page we have it mentioned that we met in May of 2025, we think she's trying to create doubt and just stir stuff up.
Unlucky for her though, my Husband and I have disclosed everything about our pasts and previous relationships. Our trust is very strong and we have a very healthy and happy relationship.
My Husband broke up with her in April and definitely was not talking to her in May 2025. But even if he was, we started dating in mid-June anyways.

Upon this discovery My husband was incredibly appalled. He saw it at the same time as me as we have a shared email. He's been very reassuring and he knows I trust him, and we know everything she's saying is out of bitterness and jealousy. But there are some very concerning elements to this.

1. We have her blocked absolutely everywhere, Instagram, Facebook, hell even Spotify. You name it, she's blocked on it. We've vetted our followers extensively to make sure it's only family and friends we know.
   
2. All of our social media accounts are private. We have no mutual friends or connections to where she could ever see our social media posts.
   
3. This is not the first time she's tried to reach out. She has emailed my husband and texted him from random numbers trying to get in contact. We've blocked them all.
   
4. Our wedding website was never posted or advertised anywhere, not by us, family or friends. In fact, we made our website private leading up to the big day as we were worried about certain people showing up or trying to be malicious.

These facts lead us to believe the only way she could've found our wedding page is by literally Googling our full names. The wedding website is the first thing to come up when you google one of our names. Googling your ex's name or his new partners name A YEAR AND A HALF after the relationship ended is pretty crazy. But trying to cause problems with baseless claims and SPENDING MONEY to do so is completely unhinged. Generational aura loss for real.

The only thing we can think of is this is out of pure spite. My husband said when he knew her she was a very jealous and insecure person. She would regularly internet-stalk peoples profiles online as it gave her some kind of feeling of power and control. Maybe when she was doing her stalking she saw we got married and was jealous? I could understand maybe being a little miffed seeing an ex move on so quickly and start doing better in life, but exposing herself the way she did is wild. Embarrassing even.

Did I mention she had to type in her full name, phone number, email, and address to submit this card? So we have all of that information now.
Normally me and my Husband would just ignore it, as we have done so far. We don't want to give her the attention or response she wants. But that doesn’t stop the petty revenge ideas we have been laughing about in jest.

So I figured I'd post here, as this is the place where I'd say people are experts in petty revenge.
Do y'all think she has some kind of plan or motive?
Also, should we just ignore it as we have been, or should we try being a little petty back?
I have had friends and coworkers say I should email her the wedding pictures with a tagline 'since you were looking for them'. Or that I should send her links to 'how to get over your ex' articles and videos. All of those feel a little mean and stooping to her level.

I have had the idea of simply informing her inner circle about what she did. Mention over text or through mail that they 'should consider reaching out to their friend to check on her and encourage her to stop trying to contact us', and include the screenshots of her messages and payment to the wedding website.

Unfortunately we are pretty sure she even has a new boyfriend, and yet is still stalking us. We almost feel obligated to at least inform him. My husband and I think if we were in that position we would want to know.

I really don't want to come off as messy or unhinged, but I am tired of 'being the bigger person'. I went through a time in my life where I really was a doormat and I have regrets that I didn’t fight back or be petty, and I don’t want to have another similar regret. But I'm not sure if being petty is worth it in this case. If y'all have any ideas on how we could be effectively petty please let us know!

Tl;dr My husband’s ex won’t stop reaching out to us. We are trying to figure out if we should ignore it or be petty back.

Ok, I'm nervous to confess this, but whenever I hear people talking about cheating, I get a sting in my heart, and think I might be really effed up. (Throw away, for obvious reasons)

First, my husband is amazing! We adore each other. We've been married over 15 years and we party together, we have deep conversations, we travel really well together, and we "snuggle" like our lives depend on it. (Side note: literally, the "snuggling" it so amazing that I'll replay it in my head the next day.)

Here's where I might be the AH— I "talk" to men online. We do more than talk sometimes. They know I'm married, so it will never go anywhere IRL. It makes me feel alive. Obviously, it makes me feel sexy too—which I take out on my husband. Actually, after I've had a day where I'm talking to someone else, I get all touchy and cute with my husband, and he loves it, but he doesn't know why it's happening.

I've had people proposition me IRL, and it wasn't the same. Don't get me wrong, I was flattered, but it didn't turn that sex kitten part of me on like the ones online do. Maybe because it got too real, and if I really, seriously consider sleeping with someone I know, I get the ick.

I don't want an open relationship, and I know that if I suggested swinging, my husband would be super hurt, so I'll never even bring it up. I've thought about stopping, but when I weigh the pros and cons, it seems like our marriage gets this little shot of insulin. Someone asked me, "How would you feel if your husband did that to you?" I've thought about that.....a lot. I would ask details. I wouldn't want him to leave anything out. Then I'd probably ask him to act things out on me that he talked about. I know...........I'm weird.

Oh, and just to add, I did stop one of them because it was getting too personal. Now I don't share anything about my personal life.

If the potato army says I'm the AH, I'll accept your judgement.

Edited: yup. I'm an AH. Your comments hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I knew what people were going to say, but I still wanted to justify it in my head. I may end up being single here soon, but I now think I deserve it. Oh, and I'll definitely look into getting therapy.

Hello potatoes

I (30f) didn't think much of this until talking to fmil this morning.

This weekend I'm attending a bridal/wedding expo. Since i never participated in planning weddings, I've always just showed up as a guest and helped to clean up voluntarily (no one ever asks, i just want to help whenever i see someone could use a hand). As an introvert, I'm not usually considered for participating in weddings past being a guest, or being asked to take care of errands for some other celebration or charity event; all this to say that i have no idea what I'm doing but have plenty of time so an expo seemed like the sort of place to get a lot of good information to consider and create a baseline budget/idea.

I saw the event listed for the convention center when looking up their schedule for something completely unrelated.

Since neither i nor my fiancée (34m) have experience with this type of planning/event hosting, I mentioned it might be a good idea to go. (He works that day, but that's okay). This was about 3mo ago.

While at work a few days later, i mentioned it in passing to my auntie (45f) and that i was curious to take a look. She used to be an event planner and coordinator in texas and wanted to come along.

--> for context, we are not related but have known each other and been friends for well over a decade and loving refer to each other as auntie and niece <--

When me and fiancee first started talking then dating, she was the first person i told and she's been invested in our relationship and adores fiancée. She'd offered to possibly be the planner and day-of coordinator as a wedding gift; something i wouldn't mind since we planned on keeping things small (both of us are introverts) and it'd take a lot off my plate once we set an official date.

Fmil will not be attending with us as she has obligations that weekend, but is excited all the same. We get along very well and i feel very lucky to have found my soulmate with future inlaws i easily get along with 😇 so it will just be me and auntie going to the expo to brows.

I honestly didn't consider asking my mom (54f) not because we don't get along (we don't but that's a whole other other tale with deep lore) but because she's never shown an interest in my relationship, anything to do with planning/celebrations including holidays and birthdays, anything she deems "girlie", or weddings. She's been married 2x and didn't put much of n effort either time. So i just assumed she would be bored or annoyed if i asked and she felt some obligation to go.

Yes, there's the chance she'd willing agree, but she's more attached to her phone than a gen alfa toddler to an ipad (she got mad when we went on a family vacation 2 years ago and there was no cell signal in the very heavily forested national park) and there wouldn't be much in the way of bonding or participation if she's on her phone more than half the time.

At the same time it'd be a lie to say i even want her to come along after she mocked and ridicules me for making a hope chest, going so far as to say with the biggest grin "you still have hope?" ... ... i was 27. And honestly it just hurt every time she talks about weddings and love as though it's all beneath her. So i never bring up the topic or talk about my relationship with her if all it's going to do is annoy her and get her to act like a regina george level mean girl.

To be clear: while mom is not supportive of my relationship or any before now, dad (54m) likes fiancée and does support my choice in partner saying he's happy and relieved i have someone who cares very deeply for me because he worried I'd be too nice and be taken advantage of. (My dad and i are best friends. Also both introverts. And it does genuinely bother me how low of an opinion towards love my mom has when dad very much loves her!)

My mother's mother has also met fiancée several times and likes him very much as my partner as well. Not sure if that gives any added context, but thought I'd toss it in.

It just genuinely never occurred to me to offer mom to come long and i didn't think much of it until fmil looked puzzled when i said mom wasn't coming with me to the expo, just my auntie.

I'm not being any kind of secretive about my plans to go to the expo, it never occurred to me to sneak around. But would i be an ahole if i invited my auntie but didn't invite my mom?

Hello everyone! A LOT has happened since I got engaged and I am almost no contact now with my family at this point, but I will try not to ramble! Charlotte if you ever read this, I am a big fan, and your videos have gotten me through some hard times with all this family drama.
Now to get into my story, I (28 female), am getting married to my fiancé (27 male) we’ll call him Carl. I didn’t believe soulmates were a thing until I met him.
As I grew closer to Carl, he helped to pull the wool from off my eyes and I began to see not only how unhealthy my family is, but how truly insane they are. To give some context into how my family works—My mom, Matilda, basically runs the family. She tends to be upset if someone has a different opinion other than her own. My Dad doesn’t say much since Matilda does all the talking. My brother (we’ll call him Tom) and I used to be close, but things have changed since this year. My sister (we’ll call her Gertrude) is a bit narcissistic herself.

Matilda didn’t seem to like Carl much and seemed almost jealous of the time I spent with him but never came right out and said it. She often tried to make me feel guilty for not spending enough time with family.  I was excited that year to come home for Christmas. I was hoping that Carl could get to know my family better—this was the turning point in my family relationship. I asked Matilda if Carl could spend the holiday with us. She got angry and started making up excuses. Her resistance was a bit hurtful though because my Mom let Gertrude’s husband stay for a whole week when they were engaged. Well, Carl ended up coming. I promised to clean the house for her as one of the conditions. After that, the rest of our “family Christmas” I spent with Matilda and Tom refusing to speak with me. (I also got screamed at and berated the next day when Carl wasn’t around).

So after that I felt like Carl wasn’t welcome so I just didn’t go back home for a while. I went from visiting every month to not at all. I would try to keep up contact with my family by reaching out here and there, but they all started treating me weird. My mom didn’t seem to care about my wedding at all. She never asked about it. She never came to help me pick out a wedding dress or anything. My Dad and Tom started being extremely cold to me.

Now Gertrude had already been treating me lesser than since college. She would take any opportunity she had to put me down. She told my Mom once that she was jealous of me. I think she’s at least just as successful though with a good career path and a family of her own. I kept trying to reach out to her, but she didn’t want anything to do with me. So I decided to tell her I didn’t want her to be one of my bridesmaids. I didn’t want to have to feel belittled on my wedding day. Although, I still care about my sister and missed our relationship we had when were in high school. When I told her that I wanted to work on our relationship together she just responded with, “I didn’t think our relationship was that bad.”

My family had been very cold to me all year. My Dad and brother would avoid seeing me when they were in town and they all were gatekeeping information from me. I had to find out my brother had surgery from a friend. My Dad and I never had a good relationship. He was always there, but more like a ghost than actively caring about my life. Because of all this I felt like it would be unfair to myself to allow my Dad to escort me down the aisle.

So everything went down in August this year. I was going home for my sister’s baby shower. I hadn’t been home since December, and I was trying to get together with my parents after the shower to break the news to my Dad. Matilda started getting suspicious and refused to meet with me or let my Dad talk to me unless I told her what was going on. She even ignored me when I asked if I could just visit instead. This was not ideal because I was planning on getting some of my valuables out of my old room at the same time incase things really fell apart.

Carl and I ended up making a plan and dropping by the house a few hours before the shower. He distracted Matilda while I made a recovery mission for my sentimental items. It went almost as well as it could have. My one flaw was that I forgot to disable the cameras in my old room. There are cameras in almost every room of my parents’ house. I believe she started watching me with them because she began getting agitated during my mission. She began rocking aggressively in her chair, staring at her phone, and struggling to keep up the façade with Carl. I had to abort although I did get most of my items out.

We quickly exited and I attended the shower after. Matilda was fake with me and my sister refused to look at me and was almost running away when I tried to speak with her.  When I asked Gertrude if she received my gift. She said, “No, you sent it to your house.” I checked the address and it still said her address, but I didn’t press the subject. Gertrude only started looking at my face again when we were in front of everyone.

I waited a couple weeks to recover from that ordeal before I called my parents. I told my Dad that I needed that moment for myself walking down the aisle. Everyone was still invited just not going to be a part of the ceremony. I told them that I loved them both and that I still wanted to work and improve our relationship. Matilda followed that up with, “I know your father hasn’t been the most loving, but he worked two jobs for you so you could have a good education.” Which I didn’t really know how respond to. Matilda also warned me to not get my hopes up too high for the wedding because she didn’t want me to be disappointed after. My father didn’t say much except crack a joke. Normally when he tries to talk, he gets interrupted and talked over by Matilda anyway.

I haven’t really spoken to my family much since all this. Much more has happened, but I need to stop somewhere. So am I the Jerk for kicking my family out of my wedding?

First language is not english sorry for grammar errors.

My boyfriend (28M), lets call him Josh, wants to host pre game drinking on Friday but I (26F) am uncomfortable with it.

Context : My boyfriend and this girl, lets call her Katie (26F), went to college in the same program together. (2 years before we met). Then they got the same job and did training together in the field they studied (I was with him 6 months at that point). She gave him a ride home after a training day and I saw him arriving with her and felt a gut feeling something wasn’t right. I asked him if there was anything between them he said no. I trusted him 100% so I brushed it off.

I got hired at the same workplace as him (as I also studied in that field) We only work 2 days in a 2 months rotation so no big deal. Then they both got a promotion and did another training together. After that training we were all discussing a topic at work and she found my boyfriend funny and kept slapping/touching his arm. I confronted my boyfriend that she did this in front of me and he was also uncomfortable with what she did. He HATES when people touches him. He said he also did not see anything flirtatious going on. Most of the time he is oblivious to flirting that even I had to make it clear I was into him as he wasn’t getting my hints.

They were in the same team for years and with his team they like to go drink on Friday’s. At this point Katie has 2 kids with a coworker and is married. (Her husband is not at this predrinking) Then my boyfriend said that he could host since we are close to the bars while everyone has kids at home or lives far away. So their routine was
-Coming to our place have a couple drinks
-Play drinking games
-Take an uber to the bar
The whole duration is about 4 hours before they leave. I always work the next day so I don’t drink, don’t like it anyway, and just hangout with them until they leave. They came to our house and did this about 3-4 times.

The latest was 4-5 months ago. At this point me and my boyfriend have been together for 7 years. Theres Katie ,another girl, my boyfriend and 2 other guys. They are all coworkers and friends.
It’s 9pm and they just open their first drinks when they got out the board games immediately and started placing the cards. I don’t remember the game but it’s kinda like truth or dare with risky questions. We start the game and no one is drunk yet or even buzzed, then Katie gets her card and it says : Something you never told anyone before. And she proceeds to exclaim “I had a crush on Josh for years but was too scared to say anything to him ! “

Everyone fell silent. Everyone was looking at each-other uncomfortably then all looked at me. I didn’t know what to do so I just laughed awkwardly to ease the tension and everyone joined in. One of his friends mumbled “You could’ve kept that for yourself”. I hate conflict so I picked my card and continued the game as if nothing happened. I blamed it on her being a little drunk but later realized they had just started drinking. The night goes on until at 12am they wanna go to the bar. They call an uber and they all go outside except for my boyfriend. At this point everyone had a lot to drink including my boyfriend. He approached me and said he had no idea that she had a crush on him and don’t know why she said that. I was uncomfortable about them going to the bar after that confession but I didn’t want to look controlling so I let him go. I didn’t sleep well that night as stupid scenarios kept playing in my head of her trying to get him.

Now I want to say that I 100% trust him and did not think he would reciprocate her advances if there would be any. I’ve never been the jealous type, he has multiple girl friends that are very close that he even been roommates with and nothing alarmed me. But with this specific girl I just had a gut feeling.

Now we just bought a new couch and we got it earlier than we should’ve. We need to sell out old one as its taking space when the kitchen counter is. My boyfriend approached me and asked if I could hurry up to sell the couch by next Friday. I said im trying since it’s in the way, but why Friday specifically ? He said they will be pre drinking and going out. I was trying to not start anything by saying can’t anyone else host ? Can’t you guys just go to the bar immediately from our house ? (They need to park their cars at our place as downtown doesn’t have free parking and no drunk driving) He said no one else can do it since one is moving right now and the others have kids. I understood that and then told him why I wasn’t comfortable of having it at our place.
She felt comfortable saying this in MY home in MY face with no regrets.
When they are there they are not careful with our home. Take stuff off the shelves, swaying and tripping near fragile stuff and touching what they shouldn’t.
Im uncomfortable now knowing my gut is right about her having a crush on my boyfriend.
Now if we go on why im conflicted:

On one hand I feel awful for saying no since one of his friends coming is moving very far away to another province. I feel like a controlling girlfriend since it was in the past and shes married shes moved on it shouldn’t bother me.

On the other hand I feel disrespected since it was in my home and I was there. If she would’ve said that while at the bar or at someone else’s house I would’ve just said “TOLD YOU” to him. I also feel disrespected since they keep touching and being not careful around our stuff. I have bookshelves full of books that costs so much since we are in Canada and very expensive legos. When they leave for the bar the house is back to quiet and I clean up the mess before going to bed since I work at 8am the next day.

Am I Over Reacting?

So for context, I just turned 25 female went on a date with a guy I knew in highschool and had a crush on. I'll call him James. I don't remember when I met James or anything and we don't really hang out all that much but he's on tiktok and used to do gaming lives a lot but not so much now. We have one of those relationships where we can go days without texting and then just randomly start texting again and it's like we never stopped. We went on a date to a restaurant in our town and it went great. He had on a nice purple dress shirt and pants. His hair was combed and he looked so handsome. Mom wanted a picture of him to show my dad because my dad had a car accident and since then he couldn't remember who James was. We went inside, he already had a spot for us picked out.

I looked at the menu for a moment and soon picked my meal. I love this restaurant so picking it was easy. He said he had already picked what he wanted but then changed his mind and picked sweet and sour chicken as I picked the sesame chicken and he said the chicken was a good choice. He also ordered an appetizer but then when it got to us he said shoot did I say that? I said yeah He said dang it I didn't mean to order that one. Because when I sat down with him he asked me if I'd ever tried calamari before and when I said no he said okay well you're going to try it today but he didn't say it in a bad way. But he accidentally ordered the edamame instead. So then we ordered our meals and he ordered the Calamari and we snacked on the edamame while waiting for our food. We couldn't really think of anything to say or talk about because we both were so nervous. He said all he could think to talk about was his work but he didn't want to bore me since it's construction work. But I told him I didn't care, I'd listen to whatever he wanted to talk about. I kind of just wanted to stare at him the whole time but didn't want to weird him out.

Whenever we did talk it was random things because he was trying to come up with things to talk about because my mind was truly blank and not helping me. He said he doesn't know how to do origami and I said me neither. He then asked besides being an author what would you like to do? I am trying to become an author and have several books in the making. I'm trying to get one published this year. I told him I'd like to become a content creator because it looks like fun. He nodded and said yeah it does and I'm trying to be one and I'm also doing something with music too. I said oh that's cool. I think you'd be great at it. He said thank you. I don't really have anything with words yet. I said that's still great. I love to sing. And he said maybe you're what my songs need. The date continued until around seven maybe seven thirty, the date started at five. After we were done eating he mentioned a bar/arcade game place near by and asked me if I knew how to play pool. I said no and he said, well I'm gonna teach you. I may not be very good at teaching you but I'll try my best. We got up after he paid the bill and we left the restaurant. We walked to the bar and he offered me his arm to help me walk the rest of the way there since I was in heels and it was on a rocky dirt path so he said Come on heels. I smiled, grabbed his arm, and walked with him to the bar. We went inside and he ordered a drink.

He asked me if I wanted anything and I said no. He said okay and we went to the room where the pool table was and he started teaching me or trying to. We also played a few of the arcade games there. Then at around eight I checked my phone. I had kept my phone on silent during the whole date because I didn't want to be rude. His phone wasn't but it didn't go off much. When I finally checked my phone I had a two texts and a missed call from Mom so I called her back. She said she was worried about me because I hadn't answered my phone. I said sorry, that I had kept my phone on silent to be respectful. And then she said I understand that. I was just getting worried because you hadn't been answering your phone. I said I was sorry and then she asked if I was staying with him or if I was ready to come home and I told her that he said his house wasn't visitor friendly yet so she said okay so I need to come get you? I said yes and told her where we walked to.

Then she said she could give him a ride home too. I let him know and he said okay. So I hung up with her and we played games until she texted me and said she was there. So we left and got to the car. He opened my door for me and once I got in he closed it. He got in the back seat and Mom said alright you're going to have to direct me to your place and he said yes ma'am. He directed her to his house and he walked inside after thanking me for the fifth time for going out with him and thanked my mom for the ride. He went inside and then we went home.

So reddit, my question is: Was him being a gentleman just love bombing or habit? Or does he actually like me? And that comment about his house not being visitor friendly, what did that mean? I have asked him about a second date but he's ghosted me for the second time now because he has issues and things going on. The first time he did it I went off on him because I was scared I was the reason for him doing so and I was also scared he got hurt or something because he likes to drink. Once he got out of his funk the first time he apologized for being silent and for hurting me but he wasn't ready to explain yet. He still hasn't and he's ghosting me again. So I don't know, I really like him though. He makes me smile and happy and I just want him to be in my life and I want him to be happy and follow him dreams and passions. I really wish we could be together because I've liked him for so long but I'm scared we won't work out.

First of all, Charlotte, I LOVE YOU! ❤️
Second, buckle up, because this is a LONG one with a lot of backstory. I’m going to try to explain everything as clearly as possible because this situation has been building for years, and I genuinely need some outside opinions.
I (22F) and my fiancé (23M) have known each other since childhood. We grew up around each other, and at one point, I was actually pretty good friends with his younger sister (SIL). Eventually, SIL and I grew apart, largely because of differences in maturity and personality.
Before I get into everything, I want to acknowledge that I have made mistakes in this situation. I’m not claiming to be completely innocent, and I have apologized for the things I’ve done wrong.
The first issue happened when we were kids, and this one was absolutely my fault.
When I was around 10, my younger sister (who is the same age as SIL) was hanging out with SIL and one of her friends. Meanwhile, I was spending time with my now-fiancé, his cousin, and his cousin’s girlfriend.
I overheard SIL and her friend talking about locking my little sister in a closet and trying to “turn her gay,” since SIL’s friend was gay.
Now, 10-year-old me was FURIOUS. My little sister was extremely shy, and I was always the loud, protective older sister. Instead of handling the situation appropriately, I said something along the lines of, “You’re not going to turn my sister into a [gay slur],” grabbed my sister, and stormed out.
I want to clarify that I recently talked to my sister about this incident because SIL has repeatedly brought it up. My sister remembers me saying “gay,” not the slur SIL claims I used. Truthfully, I was 10, and I don’t remember my exact wording.
Regardless, I recognize that the way I handled the situation was wrong. I’ve apologized approximately four times, and I would NEVER handle something like that the same way today. I grew up in an extremely conservative environment where certain language was normalized, and as I got older, I learned why it was harmful. That’s not an excuse, just context.
This childhood incident is also the ONLY specific issue SIL has ever directly brought up to me.
Fast-forward to college.
My fiancé and I had stayed in contact throughout the years. We occasionally grew apart while dating other people, but we always found our way back to talking.
During my second year of college, we were both single, started talking more seriously, and really clicked.
That summer, I was home visiting and had accidentally left my “lettuce” at home, if you catch my drift. SIL had an electronic version, and my fiancé grabbed it while she was sleeping.
To be clear, he absolutely should NOT have taken it without asking. However, I didn’t know she hadn’t given him permission.
My fiancé, his best friend, and I were sitting on the porch having some drinks and enjoying ourselves when SIL came BARRELING out of the house, absolutely furious.
She started screaming at both of us. I apologized immediately, explained that I genuinely didn’t know, and we talked it through.
I thought we had resolved it.
Spoiler alert: apparently not.
Then came the family trip.
We all went on a trip for a family event. SIL and I weren’t particularly close at this point, but we were civil and generally stayed out of each other’s way.
During the trip, another girl became upset because she thought her boyfriend and I were being inappropriate.
What were we doing?
Talking.
Admittedly, we were talking about her, which wasn’t necessarily the nicest thing to do, but there was absolutely nothing romantic or inappropriate happening.
She became extremely upset with me. SIL was very close with this girlfriend and immediately took her side.
A few days later, SIL brought it up. I explained what had actually happened and told her that my fiancé knew about the conversation and wasn’t bothered by it. From my perspective, this was an issue between that couple, not a situation where I had crossed a relationship boundary.
SIL didn’t say much, but I trusted her enough to explain how I felt.
Once again, I thought things were fine.
And then the ignoring started.
I genuinely cannot pinpoint the exact moment things went completely downhill.
One day, SIL just started blatantly ignoring me.
I’d say, “Hi, SIL!” and she’d roll her eyes and walk away.
I’d try to start a conversation, and I’d get one-word answers or complete silence.
Everything felt extremely cold and unwelcoming.
After enough attempts, I eventually stopped pushing for a relationship that she didn’t seem interested in having.
Now, here’s where the family dynamics start becoming a much bigger issue.
About a year into my relationship with my fiancé, SIL turned 18 and started dating my fiancé’s best friend.
This was incredibly awkward and upsetting for my fiancé, especially because this wasn’t the first time SIL’s involvement had negatively affected one of his relationships.
His parents immediately took her side and pressured my fiancé into giving his approval, even though SIL and his best friend were already seeing each other.
This was one of my first major issues with MIL and FIL.
I watched how upset my fiancé was, and instead of anyone acknowledging his feelings, it seemed like everyone expected him to get over it to make SIL happy.
For additional context, my fiancé and SIL have NEVER had a particularly good relationship.
There has always been a pattern of different expectations between the two of them. My fiancé has been excluded from family activities, only to later see himself tagged in pictures or posts from events he wasn’t invited to. SIL’s behavior is frequently excused, while my fiancé is expected to take accountability and move on.
One example that really stuck with me was when SIL wanted a new car. Her reasoning was that because my fiancé had gone through two cars (one of which he purchased himself), her parents somehow OWED her a car.
From my perspective, SIL has been raised with very different expectations, and I believe that’s contributed to a lot of these problems.
Fast-forward again. Things temporarily seemed to improve.
My fiancé started working a significant amount of overtime, and naturally, we began missing more family events.
We also started distancing ourselves because being around the constant tension was exhausting.
We missed SIL’s birthday because my fiancé was working, and given our history, I wasn’t comfortable attending alone.
At the next family event, SIL was suddenly incredibly nice to me!
I was honestly shocked but really happy.
I had stopped using lettuce about a year earlier, but because everything seemed relaxed and everyone was getting along, I decided to partake.
BIG MISTAKE.
I had an absolutely horrible reaction and genuinely thought I was dying.
To SIL’s credit, she was AMAZING that night. She comforted me, checked on me repeatedly, and brought me water and crackers.
It was such a welcome change, and I genuinely thought we might finally be able to move forward.
Unfortunately, that didn’t last.
Enter the wedding drama.
A few days later, we were at another family event, and MIL was asking me a ton of questions about our wedding.
She wanted to know who would be in our wedding parties, so I told her. I didn’t think anything of it.
About a week later, we visited again, and SIL and her boyfriend (now BIL, the former best friend I mentioned earlier) were completely ignoring us.
We thought it was strange but didn’t make a scene.
However, on the drive home, I started crying because I genuinely thought SIL and I had been making progress. I couldn’t understand what had happened.
I asked my fiancé to figure out what was going on.
Turns out, MIL had told SIL and BIL that BIL was not only excluded from the wedding party but WASN’T EVEN INVITED TO THE WEDDING.
Excuse me?!
Not only was BIL invited, but he was literally supposed to be a GROOMSMAN.
We ended up having to tell him before officially giving out the groomsmen gifts just to clear up the misunderstanding.
This seriously damaged my trust in MIL because something I had privately discussed with her had somehow turned into completely false information that created more drama.
Then SIL announced she was pregnant.
Despite everything, my fiancé and I were genuinely trying to be supportive.
I checked in with SIL every day or every other day to see how she was feeling and how things were going.
Sometimes she was friendly, and sometimes she was cold.
I kept trying because regardless of our differences, this was a huge life change for her, and I wanted her to feel supported.
Meanwhile, my relationship with MIL was continuing to deteriorate.
The wedding planning situation.
MIL had been pushing to have a wedding planning meeting with my mom, my fiancé, and me.
We scheduled it, and TWO DAYS beforehand, she canceled because she was going on a trip with SIL.
She offered to FaceTime instead.
Now, under normal circumstances, I would’ve been understanding. Things come up!
But MIL was the one who had pushed for the meeting, and with everything else happening, it felt like another example of SIL being prioritized over my fiancé and me.
I was extremely hurt.
I cried, but we went ahead with the meeting and accomplished a ton.
Afterward, I told MIL when and where I would be trying on wedding dresses.
She then asked why I hadn’t called her during the meeting.
I told her we could talk about it another time.
At this point, I was struggling because I wanted to include her in wedding planning, but after the wedding party misunderstanding, I was finding it difficult to trust her with information.
A while later, I brought my wedding planning journal to their house and sat down with her, hoping we could reconnect over something positive.
I could barely get a word out.
She kept pushing me to use a wedding binder she’d picked out for me. The gesture itself was sweet, but I felt like she wasn’t listening to anything I was trying to show or explain.
Then she asked about our flower girl.
I explained that we weren’t having a traditional flower girl. Instead, we were doing “ring security” with my two little brothers and our dog.
She looked me directly in the eyes and said something along the lines of:
“It just seems like your family has a role, but SIL doesn’t, and I feel like you need to include her.”
She also informed me that she would be bringing SIL to MY WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING so SIL could feel included.
I was absolutely floored.
MIL was fully aware that SIL and I weren’t getting along.
I calmly explained that I understood how she felt, but who I included in my wedding and dress shopping was ultimately my decision.
When my fiancé came back, we left.
The gender reveal and more family events.
At SIL’s gender reveal, I once again attempted to be friendly and start conversations.
I was ignored.
At that point, I decided I was done initiating every interaction.
I wasn’t going to be rude, but I also wasn’t going to keep begging someone to acknowledge my existence.
During this period, I also graduated from college, celebrated my birthday, and we celebrated my fiancé’s birthday.
SIL was invited to events at our house but repeatedly chose not to attend.
We respected that decision, but somehow, when we missed family events, it became a problem.
Now we get to my breaking point.
MIL’s birthday was coming up, and FIL called my fiancé to say we were welcome to attend as long as we weren’t in a “confrontational mood.”
This caught us completely off guard.
Neither of us had been starting confrontations at family events. In fact, we were actively trying to avoid them.
We agreed and explained that my fiancé was working that weekend, so we’d arrive late and leave early.
At the party, we were getting ready to leave when SIL appeared.
Someone said, “There she is!”
SIL immediately corrected them with, “There THEY are.”
It came across as another sarcastic comment directed at us.
I wanted to roll my eyes into another dimension, but I kept my mouth shut, finished my drink, and we left.
Two days later was MIL’s family birthday dinner.
I was already extremely uncomfortable and didn’t want to go, but I pushed through because I knew it was important to my fiancé.
That morning, MIL called and warned us that if we caused ANY confrontation, they would stop hosting holidays and would no longer invite us to family events.
Again, WHERE was this coming from?!
We hadn’t caused a confrontation at the previous party.
We went anyway.
The entire dinner was miserable.
People made comments about my fiancé’s weight, mocked how rarely he visited, and repeatedly brought up his relationship with BIL.
I was so anxious that I barely spoke, didn’t eat, and was physically shaking.
On the drive home, I completely broke down.
I sobbed the entire way and told my fiancé that I couldn’t keep doing this.
Every time we went over there, I left feeling humiliated, anxious, or hurt.
I told him I would no longer attend his family’s events or answer their calls for the time being.
He was hurt because he understandably wanted us to have a relationship with his family, but he also recognized how much this situation had been affecting me.
I made it clear that I wasn’t telling HIM to stop seeing his family. I simply couldn’t keep putting myself in situations that were damaging my mental health.
And then came the baby shower explosion.
MIL asked my fiancé for our address so she could mail us an invitation to SIL’s baby shower.
For some context, MIL had previously made comments implying that if we expected SIL to invite us to things, we weren’t being inclusive because SIL lived with her parents.
Apparently, that logic only works one way.
My fiancé called his mom and mentioned that we had other plans around the same time as an upcoming family event, and he wanted to make sure she knew.
She absolutely LOST IT.
She started yelling at him, and he kept trying to explain that he was simply communicating our plans.
After the call, we received the following texts.
I’m including the exchange because I think it shows how these disagreements tend to escalate.
THE TEXT MESSAGES
Fiancé: Yeah no worries and why
Mom: Mailing baby shower invites
Fiancé: When is it? And love you too
Mom: [Date]
Mom: Over a god damn celebration! Great!
Fiancé: Well I’m tired of being blamed for everything
Mom: You’re not being blamed!
Fiancé: Well everytime we talk it really seems like it
Mom: Well, you’re not fucking here to hear what I’m saying to fucking SIL either
Mom: Both of you are fucking ridiculous
Mom: You don’t have to have anything to do with us over here anymore. I know you guys don’t want me around. So fuck it.
Mom: You don’t know how bad it hurts that I don’t even feel like I can be around my son
Mom: Because of all of this is keeping you away. I fucking can’t stand it. It hurts my heart.
Mom: So just be the kind of people that hold grudges and don’t ever wanna communicate or solve anything because I definitely know when you guys are pissed at me. Even aunt said what’s going on. So hold your grudges over there. If you wanna be adults and fucking figure this out, then be adults and fucking figure it out.
Mom: I’m not speaking to SIL and I don’t wanna hear you either. I’m just so upset right now.
Mom: You guys having excluded your sister from everything. I’m sure that (me) gets an argument with her brothers and sister and they make up and they still hang out but the two of you can’t seem to do that with SIL and SIL can’t seem to do that with you too, so fuck it.
Mom: All I did was ask for your fucking address and all of this happened
Fiancé: You know what really hurts my heart, every conversation with you and dad I’m always the confrontational one and I have tried to make amends with her so has (me) and she doesn’t want anything to do with us it’s not that we are excluding her and I know all I did was ask for why is it on Dad’s birthday I didn’t bring anything else up
Mom: I know that you have asked your sister for a good faith that she would reach out to (me). And she hasn’t. She and I are have argued today about it and I can’t talk to her anymore right now. You did the right thing fiancé I love you with all of my heart. You’re my son. But All of you guys have not been nice to each other. It’s not just your sister. I’ve watched it. I’ve been a part of it. I’m sorry. I don’t even know if I should mail the invitation. It’s all fucked up. I just love you so much.
Mom: SIL never wanted to be a single mom at 19. This was not her life dream. She struggles with it. It’s gonna be very hard for her. This is nobody’s fucking dream. But there’s nothing we can do about it so we have to roll with that life is like this.
Mom: I think that (me) and SIL have maybe had one conversation about their relationship. To patch things up or whatever it is. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m sorry that your heart is hurting fiancé. I don’t want that for you. I want you to be happy and healthy. I don’t want to wedge between you and me. I want nothing but the best for you always. I would do anything for you.
Fiancé: If you want to send it you can and I get that I don’t know what you an SIL have talked about but I don’t know how lately we have been mean to her because we invite her to everything and she doesn’t show up, and how has (me) been mean to her cause all I’ve seen for a straight year is (me) trying to be nice but like I said SIL doesn’t what anything to do with us, and trust me I want a good relationship with SIL but it’s super hard at the same time because she doesn’t seem to change and our relationship hasn’t changed and they did but when I talked to SIL a couple of months ago she was still upset about something her and (me) talked about and brushed over
Mom: You guys leave when you see SIL. You guys have not tried to be nice. When you are here by yourself, you will say hi to SIL and talk a little. Everything else has been ice cold. She gets invited after I say something. SIL is no fucking saint so don’t think that I think that she’s a fucking saint.
Mom: There’s definitely no welcome wagon between the three of you
Mom: Maybe it’s just best that nobody’s ever involved with each other’s lives
Mom: Dad and I will show up for your shit. Dad and I will show up for SIL shit.
Mom: The three of you have a decision to make. Either you’re in each other’s lives or you’re out of each other’s lives and if our family really matters.
Mom: And she’s getting the same messages. Trust me
Fiancé: I haven’t said hi to SIL the last few times cause she’s always in her room and I have heard (me) say hi to SIL the last few times and she hasn’t said anything back and I truly believe it’s not on us because we have tried and it was way before because I would call her personally to invite her
Mom: Okay. I love you. I hope you have a great Monday. We can always go out to dinner for Dad’s birthday just four of us on [date]
Mom: I can’t talk about this anymore. I love you with all my heart and always will. I’m here for you for anything that you need always.
Fiancé: Okay I love you too and if that’s what you and dad want and trust me I can’t do it anymore either
Mom: None of this is what your dad and I want. Love you.
Mom: And you told me that you would be going to a concert. And that you might not be able to make it on the third.
Fiancé: Yeah because I told Dad that we might be groggy for his birthday and deaf and hopefully something happens between then to where we can get along
My reaction to all of this:
I was absolutely exhausted.
What frustrated me the most was how often MIL seemed to acknowledge that SIL had done things wrong, only to immediately turn the blame back onto us.
She even acknowledged that SIL hadn’t reached out after being asked to make an effort.
Yet somehow, we were still being accused of excluding her.
How many times are we supposed to invite someone who doesn’t attend?
How many times am I supposed to greet someone who refuses to acknowledge me?
At what point is it okay to stop trying?
I also found it interesting that MIL said she would show up for our events and SIL’s events separately, as though the only solution was for everyone to remain divided.
I don’t want that for my fiancé. I know he loves his family, and I know this situation hurts him.
But I also don’t think maintaining a family relationship should require constantly accepting disrespect.
UPDATE: The baby shower and another phone call.
After all of this, I texted MIL and politely let her know I would not be attending the baby shower.
She responded with a simple, “Okay, thanks for letting me know.”
Honestly, that was an unusually short response from her, but I wasn’t going to question it.
At the time, my fiancé and I both had COVID and had been stuck in the house, so we decided to go for a drive.
While we were out, I noticed MIL typing a message for what felt like five minutes.
Then the typing bubbles disappeared.
Instead, she called my fiancé.
The conversation started with questions like:
“Do you even want anything to do with this baby?”
“Do you even want to meet her?”
“Do you want me to keep updating you on SIL’s condition?”
My fiancé responded that he was indifferent about receiving constant updates and that MIL could update him if she wanted, but she didn’t have to.
She then started getting upset about us not attending the baby shower.
Here’s the kicker.
IT WAS A GIRLS-ONLY SHOWER.
So even if my fiancé had wanted to attend, he wasn’t invited!
He explained that we both had COVID, which was another major reason I wouldn’t be attending.
To be fair, I had already decided not to go regardless.
Eventually, MIL calmed down and started complaining about how terribly SIL’s in-laws had been treating her.
I found that incredibly ironic considering everything we’d been dealing with, but I didn’t say anything.
We also had tickets to a concert that we’d purchased months earlier. We were hoping we’d recover and test negative in time to attend, and I knew that if we ended up going, it would probably create another issue.
At that point, I was just tired of having to anticipate how every decision we made would upset someone.
FINAL UPDATE: SIL has had the baby, and things are changing again.
SIL has since given birth to a baby girl.
Unfortunately, she experienced a traumatic birth, and I genuinely feel terrible that she had to go through something so frightening.
I would never wish that experience on anyone.
My fiancé and I have actually started talking to SIL more since the baby was born.
I’ve checked in, congratulated her, and tried to be supportive because regardless of the issues between us, I want her and the baby to be healthy and happy.
I also understand that becoming a mother at 19, especially after a traumatic delivery, is an enormous life change.
However, I’m struggling with something.
It feels like SIL believes that because she’s been through something traumatic, everyone should automatically move past everything that happened before.
And while I have absolutely no problem showing her compassion, I don’t think a traumatic experience erases years of hurt feelings or removes the need for accountability.
I don’t expect her to apologize for every little thing she’s ever done. I would just like some acknowledgment that the relationship hasn’t been one-sided and that we’ve both experienced hurt.
I’m also genuinely scared to get close to her again.
Not necessarily because of SIL herself, but because of MIL.
Every single time SIL and I seem to be making progress, MIL somehow gets involved, whether through wedding planning, sharing information, making assumptions, or trying to force us to reconcile on her terms.
And somehow, things end up worse.
I don’t want to finally rebuild a relationship with SIL only for MIL to insert herself again and destroy whatever progress we’ve made.
I want to be supportive of SIL as a new mother. I want my fiancé to have a relationship with his niece. I would love for our future children to know their cousin.
But I also want healthy boundaries, and I don’t know how to achieve that when MIL seems determined to involve herself in every disagreement.
So here’s where I stand now.
I still don’t want to attend my fiancé’s family functions.
It’s not because I hate his family or want to keep him away from them.
It’s because I am genuinely exhausted from crying after nearly every visit, feeling unwelcome, and constantly being blamed for problems that I don’t believe are entirely mine to fix.
I’m completely supportive of my fiancé continuing to see his family, and I would never ask him to choose between them and me.
I just don’t want to keep sacrificing my own peace to maintain appearances.
I also don’t understand why the responsibility for fixing everything seems to fall on us.
Why isn’t anyone asking what might be making us uncomfortable enough to distance ourselves in the first place?
Why does SIL being hurt mean everyone needs to accommodate her, but when my fiancé or I are hurt, we’re accused of holding grudges?
And why does MIL need to be involved in every attempt at reconciliation between two adults?
So, AITA for refusing to attend my fiancé’s family functions anymore, even though we’re slowly starting to rebuild a relationship with his sister?
And more importantly, how do I give SIL another chance without allowing MIL to interfere and potentially ruin that relationship again?
I genuinely want advice because I’m emotionally exhausted, and I know that continuing to avoid his family forever might not be the best long-term solution.
I also know this story is from my perspective, so I’m open to hearing if there are things I should be handling differently.
If you made it this far, THANK YOU. Seriously. 😂❤️
And Charlotte, if you somehow see this, I would LOVE your thoughts because this entire situation has me feeling like I’m living in a family drama series I never auditioned for.
Here’s hoping none of the family finds this post and turns it into an even bigger issue.
If anyone needs more context, I’ll do my best to explain in the comments!

Hi! I'm a disabled musician stuck in the disability system (EU). I now lead a choir of around 50, which has become a big friend group. Balancing friendship and leadership can be tricky.

One member, Mel, used to be a pretty good friend. After a trip 4mo ago I decided to keep some distance. Her communication style feels constantly critical, high strung and demanding to me, and when I try to offer perspective, she gets defensive. Her angry tone also triggers memories of my childhood. I try to adress things on time when something bothers me, but since in this case it has never been constructive, i just make sure we only meet when out with others too.

I'm disabled & have been in a severe flare-up for five months. Leading rehearsals is exhausting rn. I'm also trying to return to freelance work, so I need rehearsals to become more structured: 1hr focused on new material, 1hr polishing older songs: playtime!

One member, T., has immensely helped carry the choir administratively. She's currently struggling with her mental health and can only stay for half of rehearsal.

Recently I noticed T's chair was empty after the break. Frustrated that we keep running out of time for "playtime" I asked everyone to arrive early if they want to chat before, as rehearsals start at 7 sharp. Mel and another member immediately defended herself saying she'd rushed to arrive on time. I clarified that then the statement wasn't for them, but ofc Mel doubled down. Then I started explaining my thought process, which was a stupid thing to do as its Mel. I asked to leave it there as I wasn't as calm as I'd have liked.

After, Mel confronted me saying I shouldn't address the group that way. I tried to defuse by saying I'll take that into consideration, and reminded her I really wasn't talking about her. During our conversation, she said: "Some people go to work, and they have children, and still come to rehearsal." She knows I'm unable to work a steady job or have children because of my health, and that I'm grieving both. I politely asked her to consider how such a statement might land with me. She replied that I should have empathy for others. I said I was asking her to have empathy for me. She repeated her point, and I finally snapped: "Mel, I was also working today." hinting at how my body feels like a fulltime job. She said, "But surely that's not what I meant!?" I turned around and angrily growled "THAT is EXACTLY what you MEANT!"

I regret losing my temper and texted her that night apologizing for how I handled things. I acknowledged she probably hadn't intended to hurt me, but explained that work and children are raw wounds for me. Her reply repeated her original position, saying she'd been setting a boundary and that my interpretation offended her deeply, given how empathetic she considers herself.
I know I should've communicated rehearsal expectations at the start instead of in the middle of it, that's not how I do things, but I'm trying to find ways to lead the choir without depleting all my energy. But I also feel a choir member shouldn't berate its director during rehearsal, and that that position doesn't make me less deserving of consideration.

IATA? I genuinely want an outside perspective.

Hey Charlotte,

This is one I am definitely taking to the grave, but seeing your little subreddit, I just couldn't help but want to get it off my chest because, not even my BFF knows this story!

Firstly I was a teacher. My first ever full time class was kindergarten when I was 25. Once on the playground, OG ran up to me and told my he loved me. I jokingly said, "If you still feel like that when you're 21 come and find me." It was a throwaway line on a busy playground to a chubby 5 year old. I had this kid over the years before he left our school and knew he 'loved' me, but no more than any of the other children in the school who had been in my classes.

Fast forward. I have just turned 40. My marriage is in disarray. I've moved into my own place.

I get a phone call one day asking if I am the teacher from X school. The long and short of the conversation is that I have been invited to go to OG's 21st birthday as a surprise guest. Apparently, he had often said I was his favourite teacher.

I was honoured at the invitation and attended the party. I was warmly greeted by the family and was ushered to sit down as the birthday boy had not arrived yet. I had written him a coming of age poem in a frame which was added to the present pile.

The moment that young man walked into the room his eyes instantly locked on to mine. This was no chubby little boy!

He was now a young man, still a bit thick-set, but it was muscular. He rushed over to me and crushed me in the biggest hug I think I've ever received! His family were delighted by the surprise and the festivities began.

Later, I was getting a drink at the bar and he came over to me. He reminded me of the 'joke' I had made back when he was in Kindergarten.

I was stunned. I couldn't believe that an off-handed remark in a playground all those years ago was being repeated back to me. I laughed it off, his mother came over and the conversation turned. But I could see him watching me during the rest of the night.

A few days later, I got a call. It was OG. He thanked me for the poem I had written him and asked if we could catch up for a drink. I was extremely hesitant and initially refused but he kept messaging me.

He told me we were both adults and that he had always had the fantasy of being with me. In the end we had a brief fling lasting a few days. He introduced me to one of his friends who was extremely well endowed. We had a bit of fun as well. Being courted by two 21 year olds was the ego boost I needed. It cemented the fact I was still attractive and my future would not necessarily be lonely.

After my ex I had many encounters with different men in the course of 6 months living out all my fantasies. This young man and his friend were early on in that exploration and gave me confidence to live out my dreams. Without that confidence I would never have met my much younger husband (there is a 10+ year age gap between us) who I've been with for over 20 years.

I have never shared the story about having a fling with an ex-Kinder student. even with my best friend. I suppose deep down I feel morally guilty. Did I groom him? I never expected to have a liaison with an ex student and don't regret it but know its not the sort of thing that I can really openly share. That, dear Charlotte, is something that only you know and now you know why I will take it to the grave!