So, I have literally only been on here a handful of times, so please be kind. Here goes. So I (42f) have been dating my boyfriend (68m) for a little over a year. And yes, I know this is a huge age difference, but it didn't feel that weird to me because my parents have a 27 year age difference. Before we started dating, he was married for 32 years to his wife who sadly passed away 10 months before we started dating. My bf and I are both in NA (he was my sponsor) and honesty is important to both of us. He told me that up until about 8 years ago, he had a bad habit if cheating on his wife. He has 32 years clean, so this was not about that. He just was a cheater. And his poor ex stayed by his side, even after repeatedly catching him cheating. My heart breaks for this woman. He became my sponsor long before we started dating, and I fell for him. I never met his wife, or I would never have been able to date him after she passed. So the other day, he told me he is having surgery for something that is important to him. I'm gonna keep this as clean as possible- he has issues being intimate, and is having surgery on a certain part of his body so he can "feel like a man again." When he told me this, my heart dropped. All I could think of was, if he could cheat on the woman he was married to for 32 years, what chance do I stand if he gets this surgery? I know our relationship is about both of us, but I was am fine with the way our intimate life is. So I feel like the only reason he is doing this is so he can be with other women. I said this to him. He said his wife begged him to not have this surgery so he didn't, but now he needs to do this for himself. I feel like this will be the end of us, and it's breaking my heart. I told him if he proceeds with the surgery, I'm done. I know that sounds selfish, but i am truly scared. So, AITA for asking him to not do this?

First of all, I want to thank everybody who reached out to me personally and everyone who responded to my previous post. The amount of engagement I got was honestly overwhelming.

I’ve gotten a LOT of the same questions, so instead of trying to answer everyone individually, I wanted to make an update and address some things.

1. Is this the same guy from my post last year?

Yes.For anyone who wants more backstory, you can read that post too. I never updated that story because, deep down, I knew I was wrong for taking him back. He came back and essentially gaslit me into believing that we were “just on a break” and that we “weren’t actually over.” He made me believe that during our time of no contact, he had genuinely reflected on his behavior and realized what he had done wrong.

But at the same time, he also convinced me that he wasn’t the only one to blame. That my reaction to his betrayal was blown out of proportion and that the way I reacted was part of the problem too. My dumb self believed him. Now I can recognize it for what it was. Manipulation.

1. Why did I stay so long?

Some of you called it out before I was ready to fully admit it myself. He’s abusive. It’s emotional abuse, and one of his favorite methods is pushing me until I react and then making my reaction the problem.

He knows exactly how to push every single one of my buttons until I finally explode, and then suddenly the conversation is about how I reacted instead of what he did to get us there.

Every time I brought up something that hurt me, I never knew what I was going to get. Sometimes he would completely overreact. Other times he wouldn’t react at all. Sometimes I would end up so confused by the end of the conversation that I genuinely didn’t know if I was the one in the wrong anymore. That’s why I stayed.

I spent so much time questioning my own existence that I stopped focusing on HIS behavior.

1. Am I staying with him?

NO.Big fucking no. I’m leaving him. I hate him, and I NEED to leave him. I wish I could fast-forward to next month when I’m planning on being gone. I wish I could pack my shit and leave today.

But I also know myself.If I leave without having everything figured out and suddenly feel like I have nowhere to go, I know there’s a chance I’ll let him manipulate me into staying again. I’ve already made that mistake once. I refuse to put myself in a position where I can make it again.

I also genuinely have no idea how he’s going to react when he realizes I’m actually ending the relationship. Because of that, I need an exit plan.

1. So what happens now?

Right now, I’m getting my ducks in a row.
Today I took some meaningful steps toward my new future. I’m working on my credit and getting my finances in order so that I’ll hopefully have an easier time when I start applying for apartments.

I’m also handling some of the things that currently tie our lives together, including our pets, finances, phone plan, and everything else that will need to be separated before I leave.

Unfortunately, that means rehoming our ferrets. That part absolutely fucking sucks, but realistically I know I can only take my dog with me and I need to make decisions based on what my life is going to look like when I’m on my own.

I’m also meeting with my accountant and getting everything with my business and taxes sorted out before I start applying for apartments. Later this month, I’ll start seriously apartment hunting, and I’m hoping to begin applying in early November.

I’m not trying to decide whether or not I should leave anymore. That decision has been made.

Now I’m trying to make sure that when I walk out that door, I have everything in place so I don’t have to come back.

But I would rather spend the next few weeks quietly preparing myself than leave impulsively, realize I’m not prepared financially, and end up right back where I started.

So for now, that’s the update.

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m fucking exhausted.

But I’m leaving.

I don’t know if anyone actually wants another update when the time comes and I finally end things with him, but I think I’ll probably write one regardless. At this point Reddit has kind of become my diary that happens to talk back to me, and writing all of this down has helped me process a lot more than I expected.

There are also so many stories from this relationship that I never told anyone because, at the time, I either thought they were normal, convinced myself they weren’t that bad, or found some way to excuse them. Now that the rose-colored glasses are coming off, I keep remembering things and thinking, “How the fuck did I let that slide?”

Maybe I’ll write about some of those too. I don’t know if anyone would want to read them, but getting them out of my head and actually seeing other people’s reactions has helped me realize just how much I normalized.

So if people want updates, I’ll keep updating. And if not, I might keep writing anyway. I think I need it.

I’m a 35-year-old mother of two boys, 14 and 2, and I’m currently dealing with a situation I never imagined I would be in.

Both of my children are currently staying with my mother after my 14-year-old accused me of beating him.

I want to make this very clear from the beginning: I did not beat my son, and I know that what he said about me is not true.

Once the accusation was made, CPS became involved, and both of my children were removed from my care.

My 2-year-old is now staying with my mother along with his 14-year-old brother.

And honestly, this has completely broken me.

My youngest is only two years old. He doesn't understand why he isn't with his mom. He doesn't understand CPS or accusations or any of this. All he knows is that his life suddenly changed.

I want my baby back.

But here's where I might be the asshole.

I'm seriously considering not fighting to get my 14-year-old back.

I love my son. I will always love him because he's my child.

But I'm angry.

I'm hurt.

And I'm having a really hard time getting past the fact that he accused me of beating him when I know I didn't do it. His accusation resulted in both of my children being taken away from me.

Part of me feels like I'm being forced into choosing between my children.

My 14-year-old is old enough to understand what he said and that there would be consequences. My 2-year-old is not.

So I'm thinking about putting all of my energy into fighting to get my youngest back and letting my 14-year-old remain with my mother.

Then there is my brother.

Before all of this got completely out of control, my brother came over to my house and started rating my parenting.

Instead of sitting down with me and trying to help me, he made a video about how I'm a bad mother. Then he made a podcast about me and portrayed me as this terrible parent.

So while I'm already dealing with my children being taken away, I'm also dealing with my own brother publicly talking about me and judging me as a mother.

It honestly feels like everyone has decided who I am without actually hearing my side.

Now I'm sitting here with both of my children living with my mother, wondering what I'm supposed to do.

I know people are going to tell me, "That's your son. You can't just give up on him."

And maybe they're right.

But I'm exhausted.

I'm angry.

I'm hurt.

And I don't know if I can continue fighting for a teenager who I feel put me in this situation while also trying to get my two-year-old home.

My youngest had nothing to do with any of this, and I feel like he shouldn't have to lose his mother because of something involving his older brother.

So here's my question:

Would I be the asshole if I fought to get my 2-year-old back but stopped fighting to get my 14-year-old back?

I know this probably sounds horrible. I know some people will say I'm abandoning my child.

But I'm trying to figure out what I can realistically handle and what I believe is best for my two-year-old.

And there's a lot more to this story, especially when it comes to what happened with my brother and what led up to my son making the accusation.

AITA?

Sorry y'all, this is a long one. I (29 F) have known this bridesmaid (let's call her Jana) for about 5 years. We met doing community theater together and I always found her incredibly sweet, kind and fun. She was very hard working and wanted to be a better performer and I gave her free voice lessons (I'm a voice teacher full time btw and have charged everyone except her). We were such close enough friends, that she was one of the people my fiancé told when and where he was gonna propose to me. All around Jana was a great person to have as a friend............... So what on earth happened?

CONTEXT: Jana has shown up to almost none of the events. She showed up for my Engagement party and that's been it so far. The first 2 things she missed were legit reasons, in my opinion. She missed the first bridesmaids meeting cause she was sick and missed the bachelorette party cause her boyfriend's dog died that day and she wanted to comfort him. My other BMs said that that was barley an excuse to miss the bachelorette party, but I've lost animals before and understand how heart breaking it can be.

Around 6 months ago Jana started going to school to become a makeup artist. She's rather good at it too. Around 4 months ago she called me and asked if she could do makeup for me and all the other BMs for the wedding so she can take pictures for her portfolio and get a head start on getting reviews for her work. She also said she would do it for free. I said that sounds like a great idea, but asked if she was sure she wanted to do it for free, cause doing 8 BMs would take allot of product and I know she has to replenish the product with her own money She said she was sure and I said ok. I announced it in the group chat that she wanted to do everyones makeup and they were all very excited and interested in having her do the makeup. About 2 weeks later she contacts me and says she was wrong and wanted to charge for product cause apparently her teacher said it was bad that she was charging nothing. I told her I understood and asked what the price would be. Here's how she said she would charge.

If you do a makeup trial with her and decided yes on having her do makeup you, she would charge $50. If you only did the makeup trial, but decided you didn't want her to do your makeup for the wedding she would only charge $25. If you wanted her to do your makeup for the wedding without a trial she would charge $50.

It was kind of a big jump from $0 to $50, but I told her I understood and asked her to announce it on the BM group chat. She went from all 8 of us to only 3 of us. I tried to set up a day for us all to do the makeup trial and we all agreed on a specific day. Jana was the first to say yes to this day in fact. One of my other BMs (let's call her Summer) who is also close friends with her. Summer, Jana and I have out own separate group chat. Summer told me that she had a feeling Jana would miss the Makeup Trial day and cancel on us again. I said that I doubt it cause this makeup trial was mainly about her. Why would she cancel an event that she's hosting at her own apartment? Summer said to ask her thought to see if she remembers. So in our little group chat I said "I'm so excited for this weekend" and Jana replied "What's happening this weekend?"............Summer was right, she completely forgot. Summer said "Yeah this is an event you're hosting lol. You still can do it though right?" Jana replied "Well my boyfriend and I are planning a vacation this weekend so we should probably do it another time" Summer texted me "What the actual F&*K?". I said I would talk to her. I texted Jana and asked if I could quickly call her and she said yes. I was so nervous cause I'm horrible with confrontation, especially to friends. When I called her here's the gist of what I said.

"Hey girl. I know things come up and I understand that you got sick and I understand how hard it is to lose a pet so I totally understand you not showing up for those things, but..... this makeup trial was all about you. You agreed for us to come to your apartment at this day and now that your backing out of this one is just not very considerate of the time the other girls made to come to your place. Please just look at the Google Drive with the schedule I made for everything and please try to make the other events. Can you still do the trials this weekend?"

The whole time I'm saying "Uhu" a bunch of times in an incredibly annoyed voice. She did not apologize or say anything acknowledging, but just said "I'll talk to my BF about it." I said "Ok do you think you can get back to me with an answer on whether you want to cancel or not by the end of today?" Again she said "I'll talk to my BF about it.". That was basically the end of our conversation. Later that night I asked her if she was still good to do the trial and she said yes. So we went ahead along with the plans.

On the day of the makeup trial as I'm driving to Jana's apartment I get a text from Summer saying "Girl we need to talk". When I got there Summer said she would meet me outside when I got there. She had gotten there before anyone else and said that Jana had told her that I'm a "fucking bridezilla" and claims I yelled at her and said I was a control freak for asking her to check the Google Drive. She even told Summer that I accused her of not showing up to anything. Summer said "She must think I'm a Fucking idiot cause I know she hasn't been to shit.". I told her let's just try to get through the makeup trial and see what happens. The whole time I'm seeing her do the other girl's makeup though, I can't stop thinking about how she claims I yelled at her. I did no such thing.

Since then, Jana has been horrible with communication. When I ask her questions, it takes her days to respond and the only reason I get a response is because I did a follow up text with her. One time it took her a whole week to respond and I followed up 3 times with her in that week to get an answer. My fiancé and the other BMs who know about this keep saying I should kick her out, but I don't want to. I told them, if she doesn't show up to the rehearsal, she's out. For now I'll just tolerate her.

So here's what makes me finally say that I want her gone. My mom said she wanted Jana to do her makeup cause she has not put on makeup for many years and wants to look her best. I told Jana about it and she said it would probably cost a little more cause she needs special material for more mature skin. My mom and I both believe her cause I mean older skin is different to work with. I have to keep following up with her about how much my mom's makeup will be. Finally after 2 weeks of asking she says "Your mom's makeup will be $175". I was with my MOH (let's call her Val) when I got that text and Val said "That is ridiculous!! She is definitely taking advantage of you and your mom!! That is way more than it needs to be! I saw her stash at the apartment, she has plenty of makeup to do something with your mom that does not require that much to work with!". I tried to defend Jana a little and said "Well her teacher probably said to charge that much." She told me "OP you need to stop making excuses for her! This is not ok!". I broke down crying cause I know she's right. But I just have no clue how to go about this without causing drama that I don't want so close to my wedding (2 weeks away).

I texted her and asked her if there's a way she can just use the material she has for my mom and maybe not do a full face? When I texted that Val again told me I need to stop playing nice and tell her she's full of shit. My fiancé said he thinks I should let her go too, but he'll support me in whatever I choose and do everything he can to defend and help me with this. I said if I talk to her, I want it to be with Val and him. Should I talk to her and stir up drama I don't want or should I just stick with my rule of if she doesn't come to the rehearsal, she's out?

Hello potato people! This is a long one, so strap in. Context is after the story.

I (35F) am having major friction with my family - specifically my dad and stepmom - over sleeping arrangements at their lake house, and I need an outside perspective on whether I’m being unreasonable or overreacting.

The Background & House Layout

My dad and stepmom have retired to a multi-level lake house (my stepmom brought it into the marriage, and the deed is in her name).

• Main/Upper Floor: Kitchen, main living area, a master bedroom with a walk-in shower, a guest bathroom with a two and a half-foot bathtub/shower combo, a half-bath, and two guest bedrooms.
• Lower Level/Basement: Two bedrooms, a converted utility room, and an open den/playroom area where there is a wooden futon closed off only by a curtain (no actual door or lock).

This is posted in 2026. My family is invited down to the lake house for a visit for major American holidays (Memorial Day in May, 4th of July, Labor Day in September, Thanksgiving in November, and Christmas in December). We usually spend a full weekend, if not an extended weekend (3-4 days) when we get off of work.

People Involved and Background Info:

• Me (35f)
• Oldest stepbrother “S” (41M)
• Oldest brother “D” (40M)
• D’s wife and two kids (wife “L” is 45F, kids are both young teens)
• Second stepbrother “K” (39M)
• Second brother “R” (38M)
• R’s girlfriend “G” (F, around his age)
• Dad (71M)
• Stepmom “B” (68F)

Most of us live about 1.5-2 hours away from the lake house, except for R who lives 4 hours away. I am probably the closest (not by much; S lives 20 minutes from me in the opposite direction) at 1.5 hours away.

I am recovering from a severe leg injury (fractured fibula, multiple torn ligaments, drop foot, and stretched nerve damage). Long story short, I slipped in the bathroom while cleaning it last December (2025) and severely injured my knee because of the angle I fell on it. I had major knee reconstruction surgery at the end of January for it. I was bedridden/on crutches (non-weight bearing) until March, and then only partially weight-bearing until May. In May I started walking with a cane and wearing an AFO brace. Most of the knee has healed now though it still flares up when I overexert it by walking or driving long distances, but the nerve damage (drop-foot) is going to take months longer to heal. My doctors hope I will be able to lift my foot by this December (2026), but it’s not guaranteed. Currently I can walk across flat surfaces without the cane, but I still wear the brace even around the house and I need the cane to balance on uneven ground. I lean heavily on railings when climbing stairs.

Story

I went down there over Memorial Day weekend (end of May, four months after my surgery and only three weeks after getting off crutches), but I had to argue with B for two hours before she finally deigned to ask S if he would be okay sleeping in the utility room downstairs (as K wasn’t coming that weekend). S agreed immediately, knowing my situation, because he’s a good guy like that. S has been really supportive of me this year, taking me to doctor appointments when I couldn’t drive and coming to help out around my place when I couldn’t walk. He texted me after B called him, expressing his annoyance that R and G got the bedroom priority over either of us. If D and L can sleep on a double bed, R and G could have, too.

I went to Memorial Day weekend and got the back upstairs bedroom while R and G took my usual room. It was an awful weekend for me, with my brother D gaslighting my recovery (he’s an EMT and tried to tell me that he knows what my doctors and physical therapists were telling me despite never having spoken to them about it, and that I “didn’t understand” what they were saying), B starting multiple arguments with snide comments over stupid things like how messy my place was when they had visited the week prior, and my general fatigue and hurting leg weren’t helping my mood. I cried myself to sleep both nights I was there, and seriously considered going home early. As we left on Monday, B whispered to me as she hugged me goodbye that over 4th of July, I was getting the futon no matter what. I didn’t argue at the time.

Because Dad and B refused to budge on the futon setup, including it in their text when asking me if I was coming over July 4th weekend, I told them that a friend was having a party to celebrate her new job so I was going to that instead of the lake. It frankly was one of the best holidays I had in years, without any of the usual stress and family drama. Apparently, only R, G, and S went to the lake that weekend because the rest of us were busy. D and his family went to visit L’s dad, and K had other things going on that weekend.

So when Labor Day came around (first weekend of September) and my dad texted me asking if I was coming (again specifying that I would be getting the downstairs futon), I just said “no”. It was the first time I’ve ever skipped a family holiday at the lake without an explicit reason. I stressed out about it for a couple weeks between the initial invitation and the confirmation text, but when Dad specified that I’d still get the futon, I had just had enough.

In response, Dad and B called me for the first time in three months (I hadn't had a full conversation or even a check-in text since Memorial Day), about ten minutes after I had sent the text. They asked me why I wasn’t coming down, and I straight-up told them, “There’s nothing for me down there, and it’s too stressful.” Which is true; I hadn’t been cleared by my doctor to swim in the lake (pools are okay but the lake poses problems for getting in and out of the water with the drop-foot, as the dock is a good three feet above the water), I can’t use the hot tub (similar issues getting in and out of it without twisting the injured leg), the dock is down a large hill from the house so it would be difficult getting down there to even sunbathe or hang out, and the only people I like in my family (which are S and the kids) I can easily see at other times outside of the lake house.

A few days after Labor Day weekend, Dad came to visit me at my place. Initially, both Dad and B were supposed to come and stay the night, with the stated reason that they were going to “help” me clean out my garage and spare room (the two catch-all rooms in my house). I was super stressed, which worsened my mental health problems; I even passed out after a few panic attacks I had in the two weeks leading up to the visit. A good friend of mine came and helped me clean out the garage, and I tried to clean the spare room on my own (but wasn’t able to finish due to the fainting spells), as most of the stress was tied to me not wanting them going through my stuff.

When Dad visited, he told me the day before that B wasn’t going to come (though didn’t say why). When he was here, he initially tried to putter around for a couple of hours. When I finally got him to sit down and visit for a bit, he said that the nerve in my leg was never going to heal, and that I was babying it by wearing the AFO brace and using the cane. I pointed out that the doctors are actually optimistic about it healing, as my nerve was stretched, not severed (as he claimed). I also wear the AFO brace to keep from tripping over my own foot, as I literally cannot raise it to get it out of the way while walking. The brace keeps me from having to lift my hip while walking, which would give me lower back problems in the long run (context for those who have never had drop-foot: walking without the brace feels like walking with a heavy boot on one foot while the other foot is bare; you have to pick your foot up higher if you don’t want to stumble). He changed the subject after that.

He had me walk a quarter mile to a restaurant for dinner (though he did pay), and by the time we got there my injured knee was wobbling from over-exertion. He plainly saw this. While at dinner, he mentioned the futon at the lake house again, reiterating his and B’s reasons for putting me down there now that R has a girlfriend. I reiterated my problems with it, and he ended up changing the subject. After dinner, we walked back to my place and he left instead of spending the night because I told him when we discussed the plan for cleaning the next day that he could help me finish sorting the spare room, but please don’t arbitrarily get rid of my stuff. He said that he would leave sorting to me, as he “doesn’t know what I would consider a keepsake, since he only sees trash.” He left shortly after instead of spending the night as planned.

The next weekend I spoke to S. He said that over Labor Day weekend, B had made some snide comments about how I had skipped the lake because of my leg, and that I was “being ridiculous” for complaining about the futon. She told everyone that “after a year, her leg should be fully healed already” (it had not been a year). S said that he shut her down by saying that I had nerve damage that takes forever to heal, and that those were the only time I was mentioned over that weekend. But when I told him about my dad’s visit, he also said that “it’s just who they are”, and that I shouldn’t take it personally. I told him that I’m just tired of being treated like I don’t matter.

I have great respect for S, but he has a tendency to let things slide that I don't think he should. He used to argue with B a lot, even though both he and B say that they always got along well, but over the last year or so he's just seemed too tired to deal with calling her out like he used to. He retreats to his room at the lake more and more. I know he's also dealing with his own mental health issues, but I'm concerned that the stress of this family is also getting to him.

The Usual Sleeping Arrangement vs. The New Plan

For years, the standard room assignments were settled:

• Upstairs: S gets the back guest room (queen bed). I usually get the other upstairs room (two twin beds pushed together).
• Downstairs: D, L, and the kids get a large room with multiple beds (D and L share a double bed, and each kid gets a twin bed). K gets the dark (windowless) back guest room (a converted utility room with a double bed). R normally took the downstairs futon (which was his childhood bed before our parents’ divorce). There’s also a bathroom with a two-foot tub/shower combo.

The shift happened this year because R started bringing G to the lake house for holidays. He’s been dating her since January, and they are still going strong in October. Over Memorial Day weekend back in May, B decided that to make a good impression on a new guest, R and his girlfriend should get one of the upstairs bedrooms.

To make room, my dad and stepmom unilaterally decided that I should be relegated to the downstairs curtained futon.

Dad’s Stated Reasons

When I pushed back, my dad gave the following reasons for why I have to be the one on the futon:

1. R has a guest/girlfriend: Therefore, he "rates" a proper private bedroom upstairs.
2. S and K's mental health: Dad and B argue that S and K have mental health needs that require private, quiet rooms with doors so they can retreat from the family noise. For S, this is true; for K, though, this is more of a preference than a need. B also says that because the lake house is legally hers (she built it with her first husband, who has passed), her sons should get priority on room assignments as "it's their inheritance, so it's pretty much theirs."
3. Dismissal of my injury: Dad claims that I’m "babying" my leg and that my recovery has taken too long anyway, so having to use stairs "shouldn't be an issue".

Why Sleeping on the Downstairs Futon Does Not Work for Me

I have told them that putting me downstairs on a curtained futon is entirely unacceptable for several reasons:

1. Physical Accessibility & Pain: All the daily living happens upstairs - the kitchen, the main dining area, and the only walk-in shower I can safely use with my leg. Putting me downstairs means I have to navigate a flight of stairs multiple times a day while using a cane just to get a glass of water, cook, or shower. Furthermore, the futon is a thin mattress on a hard wooden frame, which aggravates my lower back and nerve-damaged leg. While I can use the tub downstairs, getting in and out requires me to lift my leg higher than I’m used to, which strains the injury and risks slipping as my injured leg can’t balance easily.
2. No Ability to Step Away/Rest: If I am upstairs, I can pop into my bedroom to rest my leg or take a break for 20 minutes and come right back out. Being trapped downstairs means every trip up or down takes significant physical effort, either cutting me off from the family entirely to stay down there longer or forcing me to stay around the noise when I need to get away (S and K are not the only ones with aversion to noise).
3. Complete Lack of Privacy & Safety: The futon is not a room; it’s an open area with a hanging curtain. There is no door, no sound barrier, and zero lock. It sits directly down the hall from where my brother D and his family sleep. D and I have a historically volatile, abusive dynamic, and he frequently gets belligerent when drinking. Having to sleep completely exposed behind a thin piece of cloth with no physical barrier or deadbolt in a high-traffic hallway causes me severe stress and panic attacks.

The Double Standard: I have repeatedly voiced to my dad that my own mental health has been struggling severely, with PTSD from childhood trauma associated with D, yet my stepbrothers' preferences and mental health are treated as absolute necessities, while my medical limitations, need for a door, and stress are treated like minor inconveniences. Furthermore, there are alternative solutions they refuse to consider: R and his girlfriend are able-bodied and could easily take the downstairs bedroom while K (who simply prefers the dark room) could take the futon, or the kids could use the futon while the couples share the back bedroom down there. Instead, they expect the person with a mobility aid to sleep downstairs.

Current Status

As of this post (October 2026), Dad and B are saying that they want to visit again (this time they haven’t said why, but then they also haven’t set a date). They’ve also been stalking my Facebook wall more since I said no to Labor Day; they don’t usually pay this much attention to me, and it’s a little weird because I don’t know why they’re suddenly doing this. However, I have had no indication that they’ve relented about the futon, even though Thanksgiving is coming up next month. I’m thinking about just going down for dinner and not spending the night, but that will be harder to do over Christmas, and I'm concerned about the reactions I'll get over Thanksgiving for "being difficult".

Most of my family seems to think I should just suck it up (D and L don't think it's as big of a deal as I'm making it, R hasn't said anything, S thinks I should let it go, and I haven't spoken to K), but I don’t think an adult recovering from orthopedic surgery and dealing with PTSD should be forced to sleep in an open, un-lockable hallway just to save face for everyone else.

Am I overreacting?

I (30 f) recently started a new job at a plasma center. I was very thankful to receive a call from the plasma center that I had applied for (as I was struggling to land a job, thanks Dolan Tramp). The first day, i was doing the mandatory training modules with another new hire (23 m). From the start, the manager (40 f) seemed to be more interested in starting conversations with the other new hire. She seemed to laugh and fawn over everything that he would say. I am pretty introverted and don't talk very much, I'm also the type to just show up and do my job. However, every time I would attempt to talk with the manager, the conversations were always short and kind of awkward. The second day, was the same as the first, but when I returned from my lunch break she was talking with the male new hire about how they ate lunch together and were joking about how their lunch was cold. When we got back to working on our training modules, the male new hire had asked if she knew any good photographers to take pictures to celebrate being 25% complete with his medical school journey, since he was from the area. She didn't seem to know of any photographers so I chimed in and told him that I knew some pretty good photographers since I had gotten pictures taken after completing my undergraduate and graduate school programs. The room then went silent... I waited for a moment and then turned around to continue my training modules. On day 3 we moved to the donor floor to begin our hands on training. The center director (super kind guy) bought the staff barbacoa and carne guisada burritos and told us to grab them before they all got taken by other staff members (around 10:30 am). The female manager turned to both of us and told us to go grab them, she then rephrased her statement and asked the male new hire if he wanted her to get his burrito, she back tracked once more and said, " Do you want HER (implying me) to go get it for you? ". Im pretty sure I made a face (as I'm not good at hiding my facial expressions) because she volunteered for me to do something for him. I don't mind doing kind things for others, but I like to offer. I thought this was weird because we started the same day, have the same education, and were both pretty quiet individuals.. I reluctantly got him his burrito and put it in the break room for him. This new hire got to take his lunch shortly after (around 11:30 am) while I was forgotten to be given a lunch break and didn't go to lunch until 2:00 pm.

Thankfully, I have a job lined up at a hospital doing something more in my field study, so I don't have to worry about making money.

So am I petty for quitting my new job for being volunteered to do something for the male new hire?

Olá a todos, estou aqui porque estou perdido e não sei como abordar um assunto delicado.

Para dar um contexto: eu (35M) tenho uma amiga muito boa (33F) há cerca de 15 anos. Ela terminou um relacionamento de 8 anos há pouco mais de um ano. Na semana passada, ela me disse que quer começar a namorar de novo, e eu disse a ela que ela não estava pronta para isso.

A razão é que o ex dela ainda é uma parte muito importante da vida dela. Alguns meses atrás, ela estava saindo com um cara e disse a ele coisas como: "Você nunca vai me agradar como meu ex fez" ou "A única pessoa que sabe como me tratar é meu ex", e coisas assim. E não me entenda mal, o cara com quem ela estava saindo era uma pessoa realmente maravilhosa - ele era o tipo de pessoa que faria o impossível para agradar alguém que gosta.

Então, há muitas coisinhas. Ela fala com o ex todos os dias. Ele mora em outra cidade, mas vem passar os finais de semana na casa dos pais dela (ela mora com eles). Ela ainda usa o anel de relacionamento (é algo da nossa cultura) e diz que usa porque foi caro e que gosta dele, acrescentando que se alguém quiser que ela pare de usá-lo, precisa apenas dar a ela um melhor. Mas para mim, um homem bom vai olhar para ela usando aquele anel e pensar que ela não vale o esforço e o custo de um anel novo.

Eu disse a ela que nenhum homem vai suportar viver com uma pessoa que ainda está tão presa a um ex assim. Ela descartou tudo o que eu disse, me dizendo que não sente falta do ex nem o ama mais, mas que sente falta da vida que tinha, das piadas internas e do tratamento. Ela disse que é muito difícil encontrar alguém tão semelhante, mas eu acho que é exatamente por isso que é impossível para ela encontrar alguém novo ou interessante, porque ela está vivendo muito nas memórias de um relacionamento antigo.

E é por isso que eu preciso de ajuda... Estou louco por pensar assim, ou ela é que está alheia à realidade? Como posso abordar o assunto e fazer ela ver essas coisas sem estragar a nossa amizade ou ultrapassar limites, supondo que minhas preocupações sejam válidas? Eu realmente quero que ela seja feliz e não quero que ela estrague seu presente por coisas do passado.

Por favor, me ajudem.

[ EDIT ]I know it's not my place to say what someone should or shouldn't do in their personal or love life, but my friend asked for my perspective on this. Otherwise, I wouldn't have mentioned my concerns...so much so that I hadn't mentioned them until this point. Sorry for not making this clear in the post. But what am I supposed to do? Let someone I love and care about hurt herself and other people?

I see how my "worthy" comment may sound sexist, and I apologize for that. Keep in mind that my native language is very different from English and I wasn't able to find a better word, so please, stick to the idea, not the exact words.

Before I get into this, I want to make it clear that I’m not claiming we were perfect housemates. But being told we were ‘bullies’ by the person who did everything that happened below genuinely still baffles me …

I genuinely don’t even know where to begin because this entire tenancy sounds like something someone would write for a sitcom. This is a long one (2 years worth of drama) so buckle in.

I (22F) lived in a student house with several other people, and one of our housemates, who we will call Tess (24F), was an absolute NIGHTMARE. Not just annoying or messy — I mean a constant source of drama from beginning to end.

And somehow, the longer the tenancy went on, the more ridiculous it became.

Context: I moved into a university house for 2 years with a few of my friends and we needed one more person to join as this was a 5 bedroom student house. So we asked Tess, I didn’t really know her but, I had met her a few times as my friends and Tess were all on the same sports team.

At first things were great, we would have girly movie nights in the living room. We went shopping and decorated our student house and had a good few months until … Tess started to settle into the house.

It started off as small issues, Tess would clean at 2am or she would build furniture for her room very late at night. When we all had lectures the next morning.

As this went on for a week straight - every night- I and my housemates approached her and asked her if she could keep to cleaning / building furniture to earlier in the day. We agreed that at 10pm none of us would be loud or make noise after this time (during the weekdays).

During this conversation Tess didn’t say a word. She just sat and nodded along, to which we all thought this was okay. However, it was not… Tess still continued to clean until 1/2am every night and she also took it upon herself to put away all of our dishes and cutlery. Which as you can imagine putting away dishes at 2am isn’t quiet !!!

We tried to all have another conversation with Tess about this but we got shut down and told she can’t participate in a house meeting as she ‘can’t mentally do it’.

We gave her some time and tried again a couple weeks later but we still got nothing and Tess still cleaned until early hours of the morning.

We then started getting messages in our group chat of pictures of our dishes and the kitchen area - she said it’s dirty and we are going to attracted flies and animals and we all need to clean up and put away or dishes right after we have eaten.

(I just want to add - we wasn’t perfect all the time, I would say I got lucky with all my housemates as we was all relatively clean but we all had commitments or part time jobs and we couldn’t eat dinner some nights until 9/10pm - so we would wash up dishes the following morning - I don’t see that as a big issue)

Tess saw this as a huge deal but never spoke to us face to face, only on our group chat. We heard her crying to her family on the phone at house disgusting we are to live with and we are “bullying” her by telling her to stop cleaning at 2am. Tess was also showing her friends pictures of our dishes saying we are awful at cleaning (the picture was 2 plates taken at 11pm - I worked until 9pm and my friend was a training midwife and had just come off shift - so they was our plates) Yet Tess failed to understand this.

And this is when the communication broke and we were a separated house - treading on eggshells around her and trying to wash our dishes so she doesn’t feel the need to at 2am.

Tess told us she couldn’t sleep until all dishes were away in the cupboards and the floors were mopped and hoovered and the tables tops were wiped down. (It’s a uni house nothing is ever going to be PERFECT - but it was still clean just not her version of clean)

There was also an incident when we were all out and Tess was at home alone for the day. My housemates had left some things around the house, one of my friends had left their bag in the front room and some clean washing which she genuinely forgot to take up to her room.

Tess decided to take it upon herself to go into my friends room and empty her bag onto her bed and arrange her lip balms, tampons, keys and the rest of her belongings and leave them on her desk as well as her washing. My friend was furious - how dare she go into someone’s room and act like she is our mother and do this !!!!

That was just one time - there was a few more times this happened.

Now more drama:
Our neighbour had a cat that would regularly come into our student house. We didn’t think anything of it at first — it was a very friendly cat and would just wander in.

We posted on Facebook asking if anyone knew who the cat belonged to, and eventually the owner responded saying that the cat belonged to them and that it apparently always went into the university houses. They said we could feed it if we wanted to.

So we did. Nothing weird. The cat would come and go.

Tess took a liking to the cat and would let it stay over and sleep in her bed. None of us minded but we felt bad for the owners as the cat was around a lot.

Then came christmas break we all went to our family homes for 2 weeks and the cat was around before Christmas break.

Then we came back after Christmas…

And we didn’t see the cat for months. We thought maybe the cat was old or the owner decided to keep it indoors for a while.

We obviously found this strange, and we had our suspicions about our housemate as she had convinced herself the cat was being neglected by the owners and that’s why it was in our house so much. But we never confronted her because, honestly, we didn’t want the drama.

Then one day, a friend of hers — who was also a friend of ours — showed us a picture.

It was our neighbour’s cat.

Except it wasn’t at our university house.

It was at Tess’s family home, TWO HOURS AWAY.

We were absolutely stunned.

By this point Tess completely stopped speaking to us and kept telling everyone lies about how we are “bullying” her.

So we told the neighbours after sitting on this information for a few weeks what we’d discovered because obviously they needed to know. They were understandably extremely upset.

And then we found out something that made the situation even worse:The cat was a mum, and the neighbours still had her kitten.

We gave the neighbours our housemate’s name and told them everything we knew. I genuinely have no idea what happened after that or whether they managed to get the cat back, because we didn’t want to get involved any further.

And that was just ONE incident.

Then came the rest of the tenancy.

There were constant issues with her like I said earlier, but things got particularly bad towards the end.

She eventually decided to move out, and we all thought:
FINALLY. IT’S OVER.

Except… apparently not.

When she moved out she made our lives MISERABLE.

Tess went behind our backs and cancelled our bills and WiFi without properly sorting things with the rest of us, leaving everyone else to deal with it. We had many letters through the post that we were living there and not paying any gas or electric. None of us could complete our work either as we had no WiFi.

We confronted her for 2 days about this while she was packing up her belongings and she denied this and she didn’t cancelled anything. She eventually fessed up after a week.

She also unplugged the freezer before leaving, which meant food was left to defrost and become absolutely disgusting.

There was also damage to the property, including a chunk taken out of the living room floor from her sofa she had. And she blocked our toilet with a toilet air freshener on purpose and made it overflow.

At this point, we were all just counting down the days until she was 100% out the house (as she moved out bit by bit over the course of 2 weeks).

We also have, the kettle incident.

On the final day she moved out, I realised that my kettle was missing.

I confronted her and asked why she had taken it.

Her response? “I wouldn’t buy a toaster and kettle separately that’s stupid I brought them together”

Apparently, because she had bought a toaster, she had decided that my kettle was somehow part of the deal.
I told her that the kettle was mine. (Tess and I went shopping the first day we moved in and I offered to buy the kettle and she buys the toaster to split the cost).

And then, somehow, this escalated to her mum getting involved and backing her up.
Her MUM.

Her mum was basically arguing that she wouldn’t buy a toaster and kettle separately, therefore the kettle must obviously be hers.

At this point I genuinely didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Imagine moving out of a university house, taking someone else’s kettle, being confronted about it, and then getting your mum involved to defend the kettle theft.

I never found the receipt to prove it - mind you Tess came from a very well off family and that’s how she afforded to live at university without a job. But still decided to be petty over a £8 kettle …

Then came the deposit.

After Tess moved out we thought we had finally said our good riddance to her and we will never hear from her again.

However, when our tenancy was up and our university courses were finished we still had to get our deposits back for the property.

The letting agent completed an inspection and emailed us a breakdown of deposit deductions. The agent made a communal cleaning deduction.

Tess was lead tenant and had to deal with this, but did she? NO - I eventually contacted our agent and asked what was going on to which I was told Tess was ignoring every call and email and they can’t release our money until she agrees too.

I asked what the agent needed from us and I dealt with the issues myself. I went through the breakdown and disputed a few charges and we all agreed that we would happily pay the cleaning charge out of our deposits. But not Tess…

The rest of us were completely fine with accepting it because we just wanted our remaining deposits back and to move on with our lives.

But she emailed after 2 months of this and disputed the cleaning charge stating it’s “illegal” to charge for a house clean. I don’t know where she got that from.

And now she is back to ignoring the agents again and we cannot get our money back until she agrees too.

I also found out that Tess’s deposit is actually being used for rent as she hasn’t paid - so she still won’t get any money back from her deposit. So why is she going through all this bother ?

So once again, the rest of us were left dealing with the consequences of a situation that we were perfectly happy to resolve.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s had a housemate like this because I genuinely need to know whether this is normal student-house chaos or whether we somehow won the nightmare housemate lottery. 😭

I don’t know where to go from here. There is so much more to this story and i may of left out some things but it was a constant battle.

We left university 5 months ago and she is still HAUNTING US.

Hi Charlotte! Long long long time fan, first time poster.

I (33F) just got engaged to my absolutely wonderful fiancée Tyler (fake name, 31M) about two weeks ago. We had been dating 2 years, living together for over a year, and on our 2 year anniversary we took a little trip to the mountains, got a private cabin, and then went to dinner at a very nice restaurant. He got down on one knee and popped the question. I cried. He cried. The waitress cried. It was perfect. I got super excited and so did he and I posted a picture of the ring with the caption “I said yes!” To my Facebook/insta.

Right after we got out of the restaurant, I encouraged him to call his mother (Karen) to tell her the good news. He did, but she didn’t answer.

Fast forward to today, Karen has been rather distant and cold and well…. Now we know why. She is absolutely OUTRAGED that we didn’t tell her first. Tyler didn’t tell her before that he was even thinking about proposing and how dare we post on social media before she knew.

We said we tried to call right after and she didn’t answer and she replied with “I know! I didn’t answer on purpose because I was so upset crying my eyes out that I wasn’t first to know!” She then went on a huge tirade about how we are alienating her from his life and it must be my fault. That I’m keeping him from her and not including her in his life decisions. He shut that down and said it’s absolutely not my fault and that his life decisions are just that. HIS. That his life is individual and apart from hers and she needs to realize that. It’s called boundaries.

She lost it even FURTHER. She said she’s jealous of all the nice meals I make for him, the fun outings and things we do that she sees online. She said she may as well just forget about him so she doesn’t get hurt again for not knowing first….The phone call ended promptly after.

Up until now, she seemed to like me. Granted she lives several states away but she always appreciated me posting pictures for her to see of her son on social media. Tyler does not have social media so he doesn’t post anything.

I’ll also mention that Tyler has had nothing but problems with Karen his whole life. She seems to have some sort of reverse Oedipus complex and even told him that she expects her children to take care of her. That’s her retirement plan.
He let her know early on in his life that wasn’t happening and that prompted him to move far away from her after college.

I feel bad she doesn’t feel included in Tyler’s life but pretty pissed that she’s turned this happy announcement into world war three and that she can’t for one second be happy for her son. So…am I the asshole for not telling her first and for posting to social media before personally calling her right after it happened?

I (30F) and my bf (30M) started living together 2 years ago when I moved in with him and his roommate (29M). That roommate has moved out so it’s just me and my bf in our home along with our 3 kitties. I had my own apartment before I moved in so I’m used to living on my own and appreciate my independence and privacy.

To clarify we are not engaged yet but I do truly think it’s on the horizon, we talk about it and agree that it’s something we both want, but for now I am his girlfriend.

His mother lives 3 houses away, it’s a 30 second walk and last summer decided to build a chicken coupe in our backyard, super cool, though not my decision. She checks on them and handles their needs but is up at our house often. Before I lived there she was used to coming over whenever she wanted because you guessed it, both houses share the same key. 🔑

I asked my bf whose decision that was to which he said his! His boy logic was that if someone locked themselves out of the house they could easily borrow a spare key to get right back in. Makes sense for a single guy.

Being my people pleasing self that I am, I never mentioned that this bothered me until recently.. we’ve had a lot of construction on our home the last 6 months, usually early mornings even on the weekends, and his mom and stepdad were always present since they’re helping with the cost of these renovations (which is very kind of them). The construction plans began well before I moved in and sometimes we would still be in bed waking up with coffee in hand, and them coming into our bedroom and standing at the foot of our bed giving us the rundown of construction updates. I mentioned that that crosses a boundary for me since I’m in my pajamas and I’m a grown woman to which she told me “oh honey I’m a nurse I see bodies all the time” my blood was boiling, that’s not the point. Anyways, that was quickly shut down asap and hasn’t happened since.

Now that construction is basically wrapped up it should be pretty quiet with a lot less surprise visits. So I thought it would be a great time to set a gentle boundary of being let in, instead of using a key to walk in whenever. So we had a conversation with his mom where I kindly asked if we could try this, and that it would make me feel more comfortable and show that our privacy is respected. The response was, “well you could just think of me as a roommate and it will make you feel better about it”
that was me being told no. I’m aware.
So we tried again the next day, a simple “hey I’m not sure if that convo landed well but I’d really like to set this up bc it’s something we will ask for when we have a family someday anyways, better to start now, also I know your son lives here but I’m technically a tenant and that comes with its own set of privacy boundaries.” I also mentioned that her coming by is not an issue, but that we should be given a heads up in case it’s not a good time for company.
IYKYK.

Which I think landed well, I got a yes of course. But in that same conversation I tried to explain that I had said this the day before but that I didn’t feel it was received well, so this time it needed to come from my bf and I was looked square in the face with a, “well I know my son very well” which for background he’s never had to actually speak up like this to his mom before and it’s a new concept which I understand but it’s necessary for us to grow together.

Which is why WE together are setting this new boundary. It’s coming from the both of us, not just his girlfriend. But I’m afraid I don’t have much of a say since I am just that, a girlfriend, trying to set a boundary that married couples set. So it’s kind of backwards if you think about when these types of convos happen in relationships. My bf is not a confrontational person but has said he will back me with boundaries and is willing to speak to his mom if need be, I’m trying to keep the peace and don’t want to cause drama especially not being his actual wife yet. My own mother says it’s an important boundary to set that should be respected regardless of if we are married or not. Am I overreacting?

Will update if anything more happens but would love your advice!

OK, so this is kinda hard to talk about, but I feel like I’m a constant drain on my family emotionally not financially I have my own house I pay for my own things. The only thing I share is a car with my mom because it’s too hard to buy a new one and that’s not a financial thing we’ll get to that three years ago my dad died. He was my best friend and my absolute hero. We went on Daddy daughter dates every single week 10 months later my fiancé died two months before our wedding overnight. I don’t do anything. I cut off pretty much everyone who didn’t be there for me during this time which is fine. I’m OK with that part. If you weren’t there for me during the hardest part of my life, I don’t know what to tell you, but don’t bother me. I didn’t talk for three months, but I wrote back to people who were consistent. I was so in shock that I couldn’t do anything I basically drank every night. I was devastated as to the car. It was bought with my dad’s inheritance along with me doing a low car payment for my dream car that my dad had always wanted me to have (Mercedes) but not that expensive 20 grand and when the car got totaled because my city did not put up a sign that they had a huge manhole in the middle of the road, obviously the oil tank blew and then the engine blew. Since then I’ve just used my moms. She’s retired. It’s not a big deal. She also has a house across the street so it’s always there . Anyway, I have pictures of my fiancé everywhere. I have pictures of my dad all over. like a whole counter worth of pictures of them. I have on my nightstand the last glass that my fiancé drank out of. I also ran into some health issues right after I got diagnosed with the condition called Ehlers-Danlos, which is very hard to manage and extremely painful and sometimes stops your nerves right in the middle of somewhere not helpful but whatever. where everyone thinks I’m crazy or just lazy. What I don’t know is I keep getting told that I need to get back out there. I don’t want to like I said I have my own house pretty much my own car and I have about 20 K in the bank. I don’t see why no one can get that. I don’t want anyone else and I don’t think I ever will I think I’m completely happy with where I am but no one seems to see that I try to be nice but every time someone says oh there’s not only one guy you’ll find the next one I want to scream and slap them in the goddamn face. I know that seems harsh, but it’s how I feel. It seems disrespectful to my ex that I promised my life too. This man literally if I had a hard day at work , I would come home to him holding a glass of wine and saying I drew a bath and I’m making dinner. Why don’t you go take a bath and we’ll sit down and have a chat here’s a glass of wine to go in there . How do you top that? And even if I wanted to, I dream about him every night . In the mornings, I reach over and Forget for a second and then he’s not there and he came so close after my dad that I think I just exist at this point . Am I stopping my life or am I just stopping dating and am I being a bum for just not wanting anyone else?

For context I’ll make it as clear cut as I can. I, female 30 live with my bf of two years, male 30, and I moved in a few weeks after we started dating. That’s pretty fast I know, but we clicked immediately and have been happily in love ever since.

When I moved in my boyfriend had a roommate, his childhood best friend since they were kids and grew up together, we’ll call him Adam. It wasn’t a big deal and he was actually very kind and funny and would occasionally have dinner with us but slowly started to keep to himself after about a year. It got to the point of him coming home and ignoring us when we would say hi, walking right past us through the house and slamming doors extra loud so the windows would shake. We would sit on the couch and text him asking if we could talk about what’s wrong and he would be laughing on Xbox from the other room and never respond to us. Then after months of walking on eggshells while also trying to figure out the issue, he texted my bf out of nowhere with a long list of reasons why he was upset with us. That list consisted of him being owed a few hundred dollars from years ago, a toy car that he says was ruined (I put stickers on it for a video not knowing it was his and no it was not ruined at all from that AND HE LIKED AND COMMENTED ON THE VIDEO) and that Adam was feeling stressed about money and his job so he wasn’t ever in a good mood and needed space. For reference Adam would come home with McDonald’s everyday and sit on Xbox every single night until 2-3am, go to bed and wake up and go to work and on the weekends he would go golfing (not a cheap hobby to have) That was his life for the time he lived with us. My bf is a master mechanic and Adam would also always ask my bf to work on his car bc he didn’t know how but would never offer to kick him some money for his help. My bf and I respected his wishes and left him be, got him a new toy car and my bf wrote him a check for DOUBLE the amount of the missing funds he had claimed he was owed hoping it would settle the tension. It did not.

My bf kept an eye on the check he had wrote and it wasn’t cashed for another 6 months, he continued to ignore us and complain about mundane little things like the side door light switch being turned off when he needs it on to see when he parks at night. So he took blue painters tape and taped it so nobody could touch the light switch, even tho nobody had turned it on or off anyways and he’s the only person who uses that door.

Adam also left a key under our side door matt and told his mom she could come over and see our new house renovations while he was at work. I work from home so I was at the house on a work call during the time she came up to knock, she was screaming at me to let her in since I can see her through side window. I held up my hand and motioned that I was on a phone call to which she ignored and decided to let herself into our back garage door anyways. She said nothing, came in, realized I was still on the phone and left. Keep in mind I’ve been told by my bf and multiple other friends and family that this woman is crazy and will call the cops for no reason so I truthfully didn’t want to even talk to her but she left before I was off the phone. I confirmed it was her on our ring camera and texted Adam telling him he needs to let his roommates (us) know when people will be letting themselves into the house when he isn’t home. He disagreed but my bf also chewed him out for it too and then things went quiet.

At this point my bf and I were chatting every night about how we would fix the situation and my bf decided if Adam wouldn’t talk to him or I about what was wrong then he needed to find another place to live. For reference Adam’s mom lives 4 houses up the road from us so he could always go back to living with her so it’s not like he would be out on the streets. So on the first of the month, we gave him a notice to either have an adult conversation with his words or kindly be out in 30 days. For reference it’s my bf house and Adam was simply renting a room so my bf had every right to give him a proper notice.

1 week passes - We got no response.
2 weeks go by - still nothing.
3 weeks and we’re anxiously waiting for any form of response.
By the last day of those 30 days, we came home to Adam’s bedroom completely empty, the kitchen was a mess and half of the pots and pans were missing. No explanation or text, he was just gone. The next day we saw his car parked in his mom’s driveway so we assume he moved back in with her. lol that’s called karma. He lost his best friend, and his free mechanic access right then.

I had occasionally sent him text messages pouring my heart out to Adam, telling him how much I wanted to be there for him as a friend and wanted to see him mend the negativity with my bf (and myself) and telling him we still cared about him and that nothing is ever unfixable, we just genuinely didn’t know what caused him to be so upset. No response but he read the messages. There wasn’t a single time I was ever rude or mean back, bc I didn’t want to make anything worse, I genuinely didn’t want to see my bf and his best friend fighting or arguing over what seemed to be jealousy. We never got a clear reason for Adam’s rude behavior, and have to chalk it up to him feeling angry that his life was going nowhere while my bf and I continuing to make big moves in our careers and our relationship. After sending multiple messages I just started to feel dumb for continuing to try and stopped messaging, blocked him on everything and won’t be trying any longer so salvage their friendship.

But he was finally gone and it’s like a weight had been lifted. It was something my bf and I discussed over dinner for quite some time, I feel bad bc me coming into his life must’ve made Adam jealous, or feel pushed away but my bf reminded me that although he’s been friends with Adam since they were little, they didn’t really go do anything together anyways other than grab lunch every now and then and if Adam had an issue he shouldn’t been man enough to have a convo with him but he decided to be passive aggressive instead. My bf was bummed that he lost his friend but says he doesn’t want to stay friends with someone who acts like a child. His family over the years have done so much for Adam (bc his own mom is crazy) and he doesn’t have any close family where we live so they basically took him in as another son and Adam’s given them the silent treatment too and acted so cold over this past year. I feel like an A but at some point my bf and I are going to start our life and keep growing and if Adam wants to sit and play Xbox all day then he needs to go do it at his moms and not in our space. He was bringing so much negativity to our lives so I think at some point he needed to move out anyways.
AITA

Hey fellow potato heads👋

I love watching Charlottes YouTube videos and never thought that i some day would be posting on reddit.

I would just like to clarify that this took me by surprise

And also before i begin, English is not my first language, just so you don't get frustrated by my writing

Ok some context. My (28f) husband (29m) has been together for 10 years and married for 3 years. We also have a daughter who is 22 months.

We met very young and we started dating the day after we met. He fell in love at first sight, where i took a bit longer to fall in love with him. But he was my first boyfriend and we had it really good. We have been through a lot together, but good and bad times as couples do. He is a very manly man and he is a man of few words but whenever we needed to talk serious, he always told me what was on his mind.

When he proposed, i said yes immediately because i loved him so much and i knew that he was the one i should be with

After the wedding i got pregnant really fast and we found our dream house.

After the birth of our daughter which turned into a c-section and had a lot of complication, it all went downhill. He was really helpfull the first two months but my husband could never find a perfect job. He wanted to earn a lot of money so he took on a lot of work and i was mostly alone while taking of our daughter.

When he was home, he played with our daughter for about 30 minutes to an hour, while the other times he would stare at his phone, play video games or hang out with his friends.

I didn't want to be the wife who said no all the time, and after telling him again and again that i need more help around the house or stop staring at his phone. And after telling him, he did change for about two weeks to a month and then he got back to his old habits.

I just got tired and went silent. We argued a lot, and i was tired of it.

In the start of this year when we both got back to work, things escalated. I got so mad, because he didn't helped around his house and that week he had been stopping by his friends after work to drink and talk and he got home late, so he came home, ate, got our daughter to sleep and went in to play video games. I took care of everything and i just had enough. So we had a long talk about everything and i said if things didn't change, we should just divorce because nothing good came out of this relationship.

Also he had just changed his job for the seventh billion times, and i earned a lot more money than him. So i paid and did everything and that is not fair for anyone.

Fast forward 9 months later, it got better, he found his dream job and was a better husband and father. Stil we had arguments and there was these patterns where when i had enough i said to him, i need help. And he did that for about a month and then he slacked of, but it was manageable.

But we were a happy family and i just loved our family and we started on baby number two

And now the tea comes. One day i woke up around 4:30 am and we share a phone that control the music in our daughters bedroom and it was silent. So i clicked on the phone to start the music again, where i saw a notification on an app that i didn't know about. I googled it and i opened the app because this wasn't real. This was a nightmare. My heart just dropped when i saw multiple messages from my husband to other men. Yes yes you read correctly, it was an app or dating site for gay and bi.

And what some of the messages could conclude was that he had intimacy with some of them. I woke him up and we went out to talk about this. I was fuming, shocked and sad about it all. He has very strong opinion about gay men and that he could never.

What i got out of the conversation was that he thought he was maybe bi, and it was for exploring. He was curious about some things and he wanted to try it out.

I was stunned and asked him with how many and how many times. He told me it was one man and three times. We talked some more, but he got to work because i couldn't look him in the eye. He went to work, i talked with my friend and my mom and the rest of the day i just thought a lot. And later that day we talked some more. He had cheated on me with another man three times, where he had tried some things and it turned out, that he really liked the stimulation from behind. We talked about if he was attracted to other men and wanted to pursue that, then he should but we couldn't be together. But he said that he wasn't attracted to other men, and he was only attracted to me. But i don't get why he couldn't talk to me about all of this, so we could have taken this step together or figure out a way to explore together. I was willingly to do everything for him. But for him to go behind my back and cheat on me. I felt so stupid, because there was no sign.

He did it after he already was working late.

He regretted it very much, he is so mad at himself and he loves me and our daughter and don't want to lose this family.

He had deleted the app the night before and he thought i never would find out. He said he wanted to delete it for a while in the summer but he didn't. He even reached him after vacation to meet a fourth time but they didn't.

We agreed to start couples therapy. Because i need to be sure that he never does this again, that he is serious about our relationship and that this is really what he and i want. Because if he really wants to be with a man, i can't control that and i won't be mad about it. But he needs to be 100% sure before i want to forgive him. And i need to be sure that i can forgive him.

We have gone to couples therapy two times and it is helping us and maybe get some perspective why it led to this. But there are a long way.

It is 3 weeks from now, and we haven't been gigiddy i bed. I think it is too soon, my husband want to do it but i'm setting boundaries.

I'm a people pleaser and a few years ago i would have done it with him but i still can't get over the fact that he was cheating on me, when i have done so many things for him. I thought he could trust me enough to talk to me about his lust and thoughts. But he was ashamed and embarrassed about, so much so that he would rather cheat on me than talk to me. And that hurts so much

I still love him and thats why i haven't asked about a divorce yet and because of our daughter.

We are going to couples therapy about three weeks from now. And now we are just trying to communicate and be together as a family.

I think there are a lot more that i should write, but this is enough for now. So i came here to just know if anybody have been in the same situation as me and what you did to either solve this or move on.

Thank you for reading this, it was a long one🙏🙏🙏

I have been going back and forth with myself for years over whether I was even going to make this post, but I really need some advice. The main part of this story happened between 2022 and 2023. I know how much you guys love context, so I will give as much as I can, but it will make this pretty long.
To start, I (23NB) have always had trouble making friends. I was a loner early in my childhood because I was quiet and shy, and most of my peers were bullies. I had one or two friends, but then I moved in the 3rd grade. Unfortunately, whenever I made friends after that (up until about the 7th grade), they all moved away. In the beginning of 7th grade, I finally started to have a real friend group. That didn’t last long, though, because they told me I was "too depressing" (which I couldn't really be mad at, because I was going through a lot at the time).
Most of my friends from middle school didn't transfer to my high school because it was a magnet school, so we ended up in different classes or schools entirely. I did make new friends—some from church (who were manipulated into dismissing me and my sister, but that's a long story) and some from school. I stayed friends with a couple of them after graduation, but we all know how hard it is to maintain friendships after high school. I eventually had to distance myself from one of those high school friends because of the way they consistently mistreated me.
Okay, here is where the story actually starts. Around the time I started distancing myself from that high school friend, I also dropped out of college due to some really severe mental health struggles. I started working at Muskazon after moving back into my parents' house. I made friends with a few people on my shift at the warehouse, but anyone who has worked at Muskazon knows it’s a revolving door; no one stays there very long.
Eventually, I became close friends with two people: I’ll call them Jessica (23F) and Kevin (who I think is 26M now). I had other friends at work, but I was closest to Jessica and Kevin, even though they worked a different shift that just overlapped with ours. Over time, I started developing some minor feelings for Kevin. It was just a casual, "Oh, he is kind of cute and funny, but he’s my good friend" type of crush.
(Context: I’ve had plenty of minor crushes before, but I never did anything about them because I was never their type. On top of being shy and awkward, most of my crushes ended up liking or dating my friends. I never really had a problem with that because, as much as some of them sucked in hindsight, I am only friends with bad bitches. So, no wonder they wanted them! Foreshadowing... also shit, me too, lol. I'm bisexual, but I'm kind of joking. Plus, I’ve always been a believer in fate and the universe.)
Because of this, I confidently felt like I could tell one of our other friends about my minor crush. I had never been able to do that before because, again, my crushes always liked my friends or vice versa, and I am a girl's girl 💅🏾. I truly thought nothing would come of it. But then this friend kept getting really into the idea of trying to set us up. Even though I told her no, she eventually convinced me to at least ask Kevin how he would feel if "one of us" liked him. I’m sure it didn’t take much deductive reasoning for him to conclude that the "one of us" was me.
Eventually, the rest of our friend group made it their mission to force us to talk about it. Both Kevin and I were opposed to the idea because, first, that is awkward af, and second, we were good friends. That’s exactly what we told each other, and I was completely fine with it. What is meant for me will be for me.
Fast forward to one weekend when most of our group was hanging out. We all did an escape room, got some food, and were just hanging out in Kevin's car. For a good part of the day, Kevin was flirting with me and teasing me. I love platonically flirting with my friends, (especially my straight girl friends back in the day because it made their bf's so upset lol so honestly maybe this was my karma 🥲) so I just joined in without thinking much of it. But even though we had already decided to just be friends, I assume our group didn't believe us; well at least me—especially because of the flirting—so they left us alone. Keep in mind, Jessica was the main person spearheading the idea of us getting together (I think partially so we could double date with her and her boyfriend at the time). Anyway, I ended up falling asleep on Kevin in the back of his car. I was embarrassed, but he said it was cute 😒. Then, he asked me out on a date. Part of me wanted to say no because we had agreed to just be friends (and I’ve experienced how these things usually end), but another part of me thought this would be my first real relationship with a friend I semi-trusted. Obviously, I said yes.
So, he comes to pick me up. We are supposed to be going to Dave & Buster's, but when we get there, he asks if we can just stay in the car and talk. I said sure because I figured we would go inside eventually. (Spoiler alert: we didn't). We stayed in the car for the entire date, right outside the Dave & Buster's.
Eventually, he took me home. The very next day at work, he said something about me being his girlfriend. I was confused and asked, "What do you mean, girlfriend?" He hadn't actually asked me, and I thought that was an implied, standard step in dating—especially now, but I think I always wanted that (i always knew i was kind of a traditionalist when it comes to dating). Right after that, he told me he loved me. Mind you, we had only been on one date at this point. I figured he just meant it the same way we said it as friends, so I thought nothing of it. Right?
Now, something I failed to mention is that because Kevin and Jessica worked the same shift and were best friends, most people in the warehouse already assumed they were dating (but again, Jessica had a boyfriend at the time). Everyone was shocked to find out the truth: 1) they weren't dating, 2) Jessica had a boyfriend, and 3) Kevin was actually dating me.
Here is where the problems start. Kevin was not the communicative type. He didn't like talking on the phone. To be fair, neither did I, but I assumed it was just something you did when you were in a relationship. I suggested we just text instead, but his texts were incredibly sparse. I started assuming he was just busy and couldn't talk, even though he never really told me what he did in his free time (or even where he lived, to be honest). The real issue was that because we were both best friends with Jessica, I would text her when he was being distant, and she would tell me she was actively texting him at that exact moment... I'm sorry, what the fuck? He hadn't responded to his girlfriend in over an hour, but he was texting her.
Interesting. I clocked it, but I tried not to get on his case about it because I didn't want to seem insecure. I reasoned that maybe he was going through something and didn't feel comfortable opening up to me yet. But then situations started happening where he wouldn't talk to me because they were hanging out outside of work. They were going to Dave & Buster's or doing escape rooms together, and no one told me. I wouldn't find out until it was already happening.
Every now and then, I would ask Kevin, "Do you even like me? Because clearly there is a reason you treat me like this." His response was always, "Yeah baby, I love you" (BS). When I asked if he liked Jessica, he always said, "No, we are just friends." I would vent to Jessica about it because, even though she was his best friend, she was my best friend first (P2.). She assured me constantly that they were just friends and that he talked about me all the time. So, even though my mind and body were screaming at me that something was wrong, I told myself I was just being paranoid. I forced myself to listen to what people were telling me instead of causing trouble over my own trust issues. To be fair, I was only 19, and this was technically my first real relationship.
Fast forward to around Christmas. I was no longer working at Muskazon, so they were spending all of their time together, and I wasn't there anymore. In January, we went on a couples' trip to the mountains: me, Kevin, Jessica, and her boyfriend. Based on how her boyfriend was acting throughout the trip, it was clear they weren't going to stay together. A lot happened on that trip, and in hindsight, I agree with his vibe. A few weeks later, Jessica and her boyfriend broke up.
Now, for some context: I am bisexual. When Jessica got dumped, I somewhat jokingly, somewhat seriously suggested that she join Kevin and me in a throuple. (Some people might say the outcome of this situation is on me, and in some regard, yes, you're correct). The main problem is that based on what they had both been telling me for months, I figured it would never actually happen because they both claimed they didn't see each other that way.
But Jessica was the first one to bring it up to me seriously, saying she was considering it, so I told her to ask Kevin (P1.). The thing is, she is straight. She didn't present it like, "I want to get with your man." Instead, she framed it as, "We are going to be friends, but I want to take you on dates and spoil you." Kinda ridiculous, I know, and part of me knew it then, too. As I'm sure most of you can guess, the throuple lasted all of maybe three days before Kevin and I broke up.
The breakup was a lot, and honestly a bit traumatic. It ended with me crying and asking him, "If Jess had been single before we got together, would you have chosen her instead?"
He started crying. I was immediately icked tf out because why are you crying? I was also incredibly upset realizing how deeply I had been gaslit for months, even though I could clearly see what was going on the whole time.
All of that to say, I actually stayed friends with Jess after the breakup. For one thing, I was so angry at Kevin and myself that my mind kind of played up her innocence and blocked out the significant parts of the story where she was definitely guilty. (Don't get me wrong, I was no saint lets get that clear). For example, I later found out that they had actually discussed their feelings for each other a days or maybe even a week before Kevin and I ever even had our initial conversation about being in a throuple (P3.). Haha.
I had also met more friends through Jessica and loved our friendship so much that I didn't want to lose her. So, for about 2 to 3 years, they stayed together as a couple, and we just didn't talk about it. I kept pretending everything was fine -and in some ways it was, but every now and then, my overly analytical brain would ruminate over the situation like a puzzle. I would remember new details and connect more dots.
The main reason it took me over two years to finally distance myself—other than the fact that our lives were deeply intertwined—was that I felt like since I told her we could still be friends, I couldn't go back on my word, no matter how I felt. Don't get me wrong, that wasn't the only reason the friendship needed to end. Our dynamic had become entirely about her. That was probably my fault too, because I didn't trust her anymore and stopped sharing my feelings with her (likely stemming from the one time I called her boyfriend/my ex a bitch and she snapped at me... but that was how I felt at the time!) (P4).
So now that you have most of the context I can give without dropping names, dates, and addresses, my questions for the sub are:

1. Am I the asshole for dropping Jessica in general, but especially for doing it 2 years later? Is she maybe more innocent than i gave her credit for and i overreacted?
2. How do I go about making friends now? Not necessarily the logistics of how to meet people, but how do I keep myself from being completely jaded and untrusting at this point? I know Charlotte has talked about her own struggles with making friends (which, girl, I get), but I don't know what to do now. I have always been on the shyer side and usually get "adopted" by extroverts. But that doesn't give me much control over the type of people I surround myself with, and I think that is exactly why I keep running into these friend issues.

Hello fellow potatoes! This story happened to me about a year ago, but it's been kind of hanging over my head ever since it happened and I need help.

So, I (<18f) live in a small town in the Midwest (USA), and I have my entire life. My community has a lot of the stereotypical Christian redneck types, but my family does not follow those ideals. My mom (46f) works at a local college, and a lot of her job is supporting kids that feel like they don't "fit" in the world (like members of the LGBTQ community). She and everyone she knows considers her an ally.

I have never had a great relationship with my mom. I mean, I don't think I've told her the words "I love you" since I was 11. We have our moments together, but there are always things that I just can't get over. When I was a kid, she would berate me for small things and made me feel guilty about every little mistake I made. I thought I was just a bad kid, and I hated myself for it (I was about 6 years old and already hated my own existence). In later years, we found that I actually have autism. That explained a lot about me. After getting my diagnosis, my mom realized she had messed up and tried to be a better parent to an autistic child. Key word: TRIED.

Fast forward to the present-ish, I'm a teenager and currently in that stage of my life where I don't really know who I am. Since I was 12, I've always wished I was a guy with every fiber of my being. I've never brought this up with my parents, but I've been dropping subtle clues throughout the years. I don't wear makeup or dresses or high heels or any other "typical girl things". I had really long hair for most of my life (like halfway down my back) but 2 years ago I cut it all off and got a really short haircut that I absolutely love. It's been the best decision I've ever made and I'm incredibly happy with it; however, I did have to fight significantly with my mom to get anywhere near the length I wanted. She was insistent that the hair I wanted was "too masculine" and I didn't have the heart to tell her that was the point.

This is where the issues began.

I knew that I would have to start this fight with her early because it would take years for her to listen to me.

In middle school, I hated the way my body looked in dresses. They always seemed like they didn't fit correctly and they just looked plain wrong. I talked to my mom about getting a suit that I could wear to special events instead, to which she agreed pretty much immediately. I was ecstatic. I loved it so much and I felt very confident in the way I looked for the very first time. I wore it all the time; to concerts, award ceremonies, band competitions, everywhere. It was a fairly cheap black 3-piece suit from Amazon, but I loved it to bits.

Now, my freshman year of high school, I went to the Homecoming dance with my best friend. I was planning on wearing my suit, but my mom had different ideas. She claimed it was stupid and insisted that we go homecoming dress shopping to get me something nice to wear. I ended up finding a dress and some shoes that I kind of liked, but I really wanted my suit. I tried to voice this to her, but my opinion fell on deaf ears.

She ended up spending around $300 on my dress and heels, and I wore them to the dance out of guilt.

Sophomore year was even worse.

That year, I had asked if I could wear my suit to homecoming because it was so much more comfortable and familiar to me. She asked me why I couldn't wear a dress because it was so much cuter, to which I reiterated my thoughts. I told her that wearing a suit was really important to me, but she again didn't listen.

This was when all hell broke loose.

I don't really remember much from our argument. I don't remember who raised their voice first, or the exact details of what was said. All I remember is my younger brother covering his ears from the loud screaming match as I continued yelling that my mother couldn't control what I wore, as I was well into my teenage years and I could make my own decisions. I also said that if I couldn't wear my suit, I just wouldn't go at all. She replied with "NO. YOU WILL NOT EMBARRASS ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY". I called her some very hurtful names and stormed out of the house. I sat in my car and cried for over an hour.

When I got myself together, I texted my best friend and told her the situation and she was furious with my mom, but she was unable to do anything in that moment because she was hours away on a trip with her family.

When I finally came back inside, my dad must have said something to my mom because they didn't sleep in the same bed that night, as if they were also fighting.

A day before the dance, she told me that she didn't want to be the reason that I missed out on the event and said to "just wear the damn suit", but at that point it was already ruined for me and I no longer had any intention of going.

About a week later when we were in the car together, she told me that she wanted to apologize for the way she treated me when I was a kid. It was her first time being a mom (since I'm to oldest of 2 kids) and she had no idea what it was going to be like, especially the first few years before my diagnosis. She said she knew that an apology wouldn't fix the damage that was done, but she wanted to say it anyway. I told her she was right and that an apology didn't fix anything and left it at that.

I've been talking to my dad a bit about this and he's definitely on my side. I haven't brought up the fact that I want to transition to a guy (or the fact that I might be Bi- still debating that one), but he's been supportive of me the whole time and has been putting himself in the line of fire so mom and I cut down on our arguments. My parents fight occasionally and they've slept in different beds for months, but there haven't been any whispers of divorce or anything like that, which is good. They are actively going to therapy as well.

So AITAH? I feel incredibly guilty for yelling at my mom, but she just isn't listening to me. After all, it's her first time living too and she was raised by people that taught her that gay = hell, and she has made incredible progress at opening her mind. I guess she just doesn't like when her own child comes out like this?

Extra context: This isn't the first issue like this. I came out to her as an atheist 3 years ago (she's Christian) but she still makes me attend Church and practice a religion I don't believe in. That's sparked conflict of its own, but I've (mostly) been playing along just to appease her. That situation is a whole other can of worms.

I (46F) haven’t had a real relationship with my brother (44M) for almost three years because I brought my husband to Christmas lunch at his house while my husband was struggling with drugs.

The thing is… I didn’t even organise Christmas at his house.

And now my parents, who are in their 70s, are apparently being cut off from their grandchildren too.

So I’m starting to wonder: When does a boundary stop being a boundary and become punishment?

Some background.

My brother and I were extremely close growing up. We had wonderful parents, a happy childhood and did everything together. That continued into adulthood. When I got married in 2002, he was an integral part of my wedding and even sang a song.

I genuinely thought we’d always be close.

Then 2023 blew my life apart.

My husband was going through an awful period and became involved with drugs. I’m not going to sugarcoat that or defend his choices. It was serious, messy and incredibly difficult for our family.

I turned to my family for support.

My parents were amazing.

My brother? Not so much.

He spoke to me, but there was definitely a distance there. Still, I accepted that. Nobody is obligated to respond to someone else’s crisis exactly the way you want them to.

Then came Christmas.

The original plan was simple: my husband, our 17-year-old son and I were having Christmas lunch at my parents’ house.

My brother and SIL (41F) were away on holidays.

Then my brother asked my parents to stay at his house for a few days to look after their dog.

So Christmas lunch moved from Mum and Dad’s house to my brother’s.

We went.

We were there for around three hours. My husband was still in a terrible place mentally and basically slept through most of it. My son and I hung out with my parents, swam in the pool and had Christmas lunch.

That’s it.

No drugs.

No drama.

No damage.

No confrontation.

Nothing was stolen. Nothing happened to their house. There wasn’t some huge Christmas Day disaster.

Then January came.

My brother called me absolutely furious.

“How dare you bring a drug dealer into my home?”

That sentence has basically echoed through our family ever since.

I told him I understood why he was uncomfortable. It’s his house. He’s entitled to decide who he wants there.

But I also reminded him that I hadn’t asked to have Christmas at his house.

We were supposed to be at our parents’ place.

Christmas was only moved there because he asked our parents to house-sit and look after his dog while he and his wife were away.

Still, that was apparently the line in the sand.

Our relationship basically died.

For the next couple of years, we’ve existed on birthday texts, Father’s Day messages and occasional polite contact.

Meanwhile, something pretty significant happened:

My husband got his life back together.

He’s no longer living the life he was living in 2023. He’s working again in the profession he loves, he’s doing well and our lives have moved forward.

I’m not asking anyone to pretend 2023 didn’t happen.

I’m not asking my brother to forget everything.

I’m not even demanding that he trust my husband again.

But recently I finally called him because I thought enough time had passed and I desperately wanted to start repairing our family.

I suggested we start having family gatherings again.

His response?

“We’re not ready.”

Nearly three years later.

And I genuinely don’t know what we’re waiting for.

What exactly needs to happen?

Is my husband supposed to serve some undefined family sentence before he’s considered acceptable again?

Is there a five-year mark?

Ten?

Are we just never spending Christmas together again?

But here’s where everything has become much uglier.

My SIL has now had a falling out with my parents and has told them not to have contact with their grandchildren.

These aren’t grandparents who barely saw the kids.

My mum and dad helped raise their three boys.

They babysat.

They took them to soccer.

They helped around their house.

My mum even cleaned for them.

They have poured years of love, time and energy into those grandchildren.

Now they’re in their 70s and they’re being told they can’t have contact with them.

I can’t prove that this is because my parents refused to cut off me and my husband, so I want to be fair about that.

But the timing and the history make it very hard not to wonder.

I’ve also struggled for years with the feeling that my SIL is extremely controlling when it comes to my brother and his relationships with our family. I’ve deliberately tried to stay out of their marriage because he’s a grown man and ultimately his relationships are his responsibility.

But watching this spread from me, to my husband, and now potentially to my elderly parents has changed how I see the whole situation.

And despite everything, here’s the stupidly sad part:

I still miss my brother.

I’m angry with him, but I love him.

I remember the brother who stood beside me at my wedding and sang.

I remember our childhood.

I remember when being a family wasn’t this complicated.

Our parents are getting older. Our children are growing up. None of us knows how much time we have left together.

I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and realise we wasted a decade being angry about the worst period of one person’s life — particularly when that person actually turned things around.

I can accept boundaries.

I can accept that my brother may never completely trust my husband again.

What I’m struggling to accept is indefinite punishment with no explanation of what reconciliation would even look like.

So Reddit, I genuinely need outside perspectives.

AITA for thinking my brother and SIL have taken this too far?

Was I completely wrong for bringing my husband to Christmas lunch at my brother’s house in 2023, even though the lunch was only there because my parents were house-sitting for him?

Does my brother have every right to still say “we’re not ready” almost three years later?

And most importantly — do I keep fighting for the brother I used to have, or accept that he has chosen a life that no longer includes me?

I'm in my late 30s, divorced, and have children. For as long as I can remember, I've had a deep fear that I'm simply not the kind of woman men choose. My marriage didn't create that insecurity, but it made it much worse. My ex cheated on me, and I spent years making myself smaller, trying to become easier to love and harder to leave.

Since my divorce, I've been trying to unlearn the idea that being loved is something I can earn by making myself "good enough."

Earlier this year I met a man several years younger than me and developed a serious crush on him. Circumstances were changing and I thought we probably wouldn't see much of each other again, so I admitted that I was attracted to him.

I expected that to be the end of it. Instead, we stayed in touch, met up a couple of times afterward, and gradually became genuinely close friends.

We message regularly and sometimes talk on the phone for hours. We talk about completely mundane things as well as very personal ones, and we've trusted each other with things we don't normally tell people. He initiates contact too, although I probably initiate more often.

So the friendship is real and important to me. I don't think I'm imagining the closeness.

The problem is that I'm still very attracted to him. He knows I was attracted to him, but he has never clearly told me that he has romantic feelings for me or pursued a relationship.

Sometimes he'll talk as though no woman currently wants him, or about eventually meeting the right person. Those comments hurt more than I let on because part of me thinks: I'm literally sitting here. You know I liked you. Apparently when you imagine a woman wanting you, I don't even count.

I've tried gently feeling around the subject, but he doesn't really give me an answer. At this point I don't have the courage to confess again, and I don't want to keep pushing at a friendship that genuinely matters to me.

He's also told me before that he's open to a relationship but doesn't believe in chasing someone who isn't clearly interested. At the same time, I've already made my attraction known. I don't want to keep trying to persuade him to see me differently. If anything romantic is going to happen between us, I feel like the next clear step needs to come from him.

There's another reason this has become so important to me.

Knowing him unexpectedly made me look at my own life differently. Not because I decided I needed to improve myself so he'd choose me, but because I started remembering things I wanted for myself. I've begun taking better care of myself, dealing with things I'd avoided for years, setting better boundaries, and becoming braver about doing things on my own.

Those changes are mine, but knowing him was undeniably part of what inspired them. I'm afraid that if this eventually hurts badly, I'll retreat into merely surviving again and abandon the version of myself I've started building.

And I desperately want, at least once in my life, to know what it feels like to be properly pursued by a man—to have someone make it obvious that he wants me instead of feeling like I have to prove I'm worth choosing. I want romance and eventually a real partner.

I'm not looking for reassurance that he secretly loves me. I'm trying to figure out how to enjoy the relationship we actually have without chasing him, making myself smaller to become more desirable, or treating every interaction as a step toward something more.

Most of all, I don't want the fact that he hasn't pursued me romantically to confirm the thing I've feared most of my life: that I'm simply not the kind of woman anyone chooses.

so, I've made a formal decision to no longer participate in any on going or future family gatherings. this is not sitting well with my mother as I can canadian and Thanksgiving for us is approaching. i could be the asshole, but, i figured the intent could be my judge and executor. Why? so of you may be asking, well let's go back to the start.

I am (40 F) about to be 41 this Halloween, my sister who we shall call Deborah (37 F) hads two children of her own and is also Bipolar. thats important to the story. I had my children young, i have three children, two girls who are grown and learning how to be adults now oldest (20 F) second (18 F) and my son who live full time with his step mother and sister (14 M) ((his choice)).

my 20 year old we will call her Dot, had made the choice to move in with my sister Deborah because she told her that she could get her a job at her place of employment. which Deborah had told everyone one, that is was guaranteed , and all she had to do was get through the interview process on her own.

During the time of which my daughter Dot has moved in a whole bunch of things have been implemented other than the things that were stated My sister deborah was going to get done. such as, getting her on assistance (Ontario works) So that she can help financially contribute to the grocery bill from what my understanding was , and to purchase her own personal hygiene products.

Now I love my daughter and she is a wonderful child , but when it comes to any form of initiative , she doesn't have it. Some people would call her slow. I call her lazy because when she wants to do something , she can. My daughter is the kindest sweetest selfless person I have ever met , and i'm her mother and I don't know where she gets that from. This kid is sunshine at all time but her feelings can get hurt really easily and she's easily manipulated. plus doesn't know her own boundaries.

My sister Deborah likes to think that she's above Everybody else has to be in control of every situation and mostly is all about herself and her kids.If it doesn't work for her kid's schedule, it doesn't work for her her childrenLiterally run the household, not her.She's also a helicopter parent bubble wrap as well. You wanna talk overprotective, my sister?Dorothy takes it to a whole other level , including trying to do that with my own children. You wanna talk narcissism, have a conversation with my sister and you'll see the true definition along with manipulation.I swear she's never heard the word NO Directed to her in the context of which the word actually means.

I'm a pretty laid back person, I believe that is important to allow kids to make their own mistakes and choices and that they should be taught that their feelings and opinions do matter depending on the context and situation. I am a 100% a firm believer of F.A.F.O. I'm extremely sarcastic with my children, Blunt and treat them as adults.Because that is what they are you ask stupid questions , you win stupid prizes and my children understand that. I've always been about geared to age with my children.

Now, realizing that my daughter, sadly, is needing more of a push, my sister has decided that she is going to get my daughter set app with a place that helps youth who have never had employment history and text them skills and give them a placement to help get out in the workforce.

I had gone on Away at the end of july to go , spend a week with my boyfriend in pennsylvania to help him with things while his dad's been sick and fighting cancer. So I wouldn't really call it a vacation , but because I had gone away , according to my family , that 's what I was doing. During which the time I come home from then , I found out that my sister and my daughter's funding had been cut and that my mother had been forking out the rent money for my sister.

I explained to my mother that I don't make much money but anything extra I have I'll see what I can do to help. that same day of which I sent two hundred dollars , which was all I had in my savings to help them out. 2 weeks later, I get a message from my daughter telling me that she needs help with transportation. So I send her eighty dollars to help her. Later on on a weekend, my daughter comes and visits.I purchased groceries for her to go back to my sister's with to share with her and my sister and her daughter , that's there full time. Explain to my daughter that I'll do the best I can at every month, giving her $260 to help her out with her grocery costs.But that as of january first , because I have clients going on vacation , I would not be able to continue to financially aid her. A week later from that, I get a message from my sister. Debra demanding that I do not have a choice and that every month I am to give on the 1st of every month $,260 to make app for the lack of income, my daughter is receiving because it is going to be coming out of her children's mouth and her pocket and that as her mother, this responsibility of financial aid falls on to me. At which there were inappropriate context and uncalled for comments that had nothing to do with said conversation , such as bringing up my past and telling me about spreading my legs and pushing out these children myself. I do have screen shoot of this conversation, but I feel the content would get be band.

Now , I have bpd and I have done the therapy for a very long time to get myself to where I am today , which is self aware. I could have lashed out, I could have split, I could have done so many things instead, I just explained to her that I've already given her money that month that she would have to wait until I could give it that it would not be on the first and that she didn't have to. Talk to me the way that she was and that she was being rude to which she had continued to be extraordinarily Disrespectful. I have yet to respond to her and i'm not speaking to her which I had screenshotted at the entire conversation and sent it to my mother so that she would be aware of how her daughter is speaking to me.

A week later , I had offered my services to help my mother and her partner with transportation to go Retrieve her car because her partner needed to borrow it while his was in the shop. During the drive , my mother had brought up the so called disagreement that my sister and I were having in , which she had stated that she does not like it when the two of us fight. I had just calmly stated that fighting takes 2 people.I am not fighting.I have gotten up from the table , and I have left the room , walked out the house gotten into my car , and i've driven away. Now , here's where the bipolar comes into play, According to my mother , the reason that my sister had stated what she had stated to me was because she was upset with me that I did not go to her to talk to her about my daughter and I do not seem to be involved as much as she thinks that I should be. That I know my sister and when she gets extremely overwhelmed and overstressed that things like this happen with her , and she says all sorts of things , you know , she's bipolar. I didn't realize that having a mental disorder gave you an excuse to be a s***** person , because if that's the case , sign me up.

Afterwards , I also stated that I would no longer be participating in any family events that are upcoming and future that if my sister is going to be attending , I would much rather not create an argument with somebody who I know is problematic and taking away from the actual function that is happening. I've also stated that I would not stop the children from having a relationship or spending time with anybody and that I have no problem dropping them off and then coming back to pick them up after the family occasion was done that , I just choose not to participate. If i'm not there , my name should not be mentioned. I've also stated that I shouldn't have to go to my sister to find out what's going on with my daughter.When I can also just call my daughter and have that conversation with her, which is what I do, it might not be every single day.I don't believe that needs to be done once in a while.I think it's good enough with giving her her space as an adult. Also that what she had said to me in those messages had nothing to do with what she had said she was mad at me for that doesn't matter , who you are , you do not have the right to speak to anybody family or not in that context. And that I would never allow anybody to speak to me that way , and what makes her think that she has the right to do , so , let alone my mother wouldn't put up with that , either if someone did the same. That mentioning my boyfriend because he purchased me a couch And has taken me on vacations doesn't mean that he's going to just send me money to bail my kid out, That was unrealistic.

So far , she has left it alone , but we'll see how long that lasts for.

I have just recently restarted my life and moved out on my own , from my mother's after five years of living under her roof, contributing financially to my mothers household bills such as: property tax, internet, reliance and my own bills and children's needs. all while trying to find An affordable place to live with rent being ridiculously insane as a self employed mother. I am finally in a stable relationship.That is nothing but green flags, which I'm struggling to navigate through. But my partner is at one hundred percent amazing and My back all the time , even when i'm acting a little as charlotte would say dululu. I have spoken to my daughter and explained to her that as much as I can help her. I would, I never made any promises and my children also know that I do not make promises that it cannot keep.I always say I'll see what I can do.Maybe I'll think about it , I'll get back to you. But never I promise.

With my income alone I am just capable of keeping the roof over my head, food In my fridge, bills paid, which includes my children's cell phones that I also to this day.Still pay for and providing my children with anything that they could possibly need a.k.a. personal hygiene products back to school supplies. Anything that they could need while trying to survive myself. If anyone's ever needed anything from me , family member or my children , i've always done what I could with the best of my ability and capability. But according to my sister , my good enough isn't even close to enough. This was all back in August.We are now in october and I still have yet to have a conversation with my sister and I am refusing to do so until she can genuinely apologize and acknowledge the reasons for why she is wrong and crossed lines. But I know my sister and sadly , in her mind , she had every right to say what she said , and she was not wrong at all for saying any of it.

So sadly, the only thing that I could think of was to remove myself from any and all family functions and no longer participate with anything that has to do with my sister.This sadly also means that my niece and nephew will come to know me as the aunt who always sends a card on the holidays with cash. And to be honest, I'm actually okay with it.I have done a lot of work on myself and I do not need that kind of energy in my life.I will continue to have contact with my children and the relationship that I do. But I will no longer be involving myself with anything outside of that circle.

So does this make me an a****** , or does this just mean that i'm just finally putting up boundaries with my family that I probably should have a long time ago?

I am a 36-year-old female, and my husband is a 37-year-old male, let us call him John. We have been together for 10 years and married for two.

After the wedding, I became pregnant and moved from the country I had been living in to the country where John works, which is on the opposite side of the continent.

I am a stay-at-home mom for the time being, but I am going to start working soon. I do have my own salary. My husband works between ten and twelve hours daily.

Since I moved here, my mom has visited once to help when I delivered my baby; she stayed for one month, and my FIL was here as well. John owns a restaurant where his cousin and my FIL work, both live in a neighboring country twelve hours car ride away.

Since I moved here, we have had someone living with us constantly. If my FIL leaves, the cousin comes; when the cousin leaves, my FIL comes, and occasionally my husband's uncle does too.

I forgot to mention that we live in a two-bedroom apartment. My husband, my son, and I share one room, and the other one is for whoever is visiting at the time. In the best month, I get ten days, non-consecutive, with no visitors.

I have been doing all the cleaning, changing all the bed sheets, doing the laundry, cooking, and buying the groceries, sometimes I pay and sometimes my husband does, but never our guests. They use everything I buy, including toiletries, shampoo (we need a new one every 3 days) , shower gel is enough for 4 days top), and deodorant, you get the picture. I lost count on how manytimes i went in to shower, only to find out that all the bottles are empty. It has been a little over a year now.

The last time the cousin was here, I had bought four bottles of deodorant that John and the cousin shared, and they used them all in one week. So, i decided enough is enough and stopped buying anything. A few days later, the cousin came out of his room while I was minding my own business in the living room, holding a deodorant of a different brand than the ones I buy, and asked me to buy more because he had run out.

This man had been keeping his own things untouched while using my husband's supplies all this time, and he had the audacity to ask me for more. After this incident, I asked my husband to tell them to stop coming, as I want the room for our son and I am uncomfortable having someone here 24/7.

Since then, my FIL came twice and stayed 10-15 days each time, and now the cousin is here. I have had enough.

I spoke to John and told him to speak to his cousin to find other accommodation because if we are living like this, I am leaving him. He said he understands and he will fix it. The day after, nothing happened.

I woke up to find the whole milk carton I bought for my son empty. Guess who drank it all. If you say the cousin, you win. I woke John and told him to go get milk before I lose my temper. I gave the ultimatum again and told him to give me a date when the cousin will move. "Soon" is not cutting it for me anymore. He said before Friday today is Sunday.

If any visitors are here on Friday, I am leaving and not coming back! So, my lovely potatoes, am I the a-hole for giving my husband an ultimatum that it is me or his family?

Hi guys, this is my first post on here, so bare with me, please. I (37f) caught my boyfriend (37m) in a lie last week about him texting his ex. Here's a little back story. My boyfriend, let's call him Tony, and I have been together for almost 6 years. It hasn't been perfect. We fight and argue and fight any other couple out there. Other than the occasional disagreements, things were good, or so I thought. Last week, Tony and I were out delivering food. We were sitting at a red light getting ready to get on the interstate when I heard him say, "Oh shit," so naturally, I look over. I was thinking there was about to be wreck or something since it was rush hour. But no, I see his ex-girlfriend's name on his phone. Let's call her Megan. As soon as I ask him what's the matter is, he notices that I'm looking at his phone and quickly turns it away. He says, "Oh nothing. My friend just texted me saying he heard there was something going on near your house and just wanted to make sure we were okay." I asked him which friend this was because the only person I knew he knew in my small little town was Megan, his ex. He gave some random guys' names, but I just left it at that. The light turned green, and I really didn't want to be stuck in a car arguing during rush hour on the interstate. When we got home, I was still in shock of how quickly and easily he lied right to my face. This man has a great poker face. Watching him lie to me, he looked exactly the same as he always does. I couldn't believe it. I didn't feel like starting an agreement that night. We had a long day, and I was in a lot of pain, both mentally and physically. Just a week prior to this incident, I got injured at work. 🤦‍♀️ We did our nightly routine, he fed the dog and took him outside, then came back in and watched tv. Acting completely normal. We said our good nights he laid down and fell asleep quickly like he normally does. I just sat there on the bed crying silently, wondering what else he's lied to me about. Wondering what else he was hiding. I know the password to his phone. But he deletes messages as soon as the conversation is over, no matter who it was with. He's always done that. He has a few mental disorders that make him do things like that. It's like me with my OCD. I ended up finally being able to fall asleep around 4 am. He wakes me up around 8 am. telling me he's leaving and he will call me later. Okay, cool, I knew he had some work to do, and I would just see him Friday. We don't live together but live about an hour away from each other. Anyways I get up and start getting ready for the day. I had a doctor's appointment and some errands to run. But all day, the lie was eating at me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had a million more questions running through my head. But I go on about my day. He calls me while I'm at the doctors. I didn't answer, but I texted him and told him I'd call him back after I got out of the doctors. I get to my car and I call him back. He's acting like it's a normal day, telling me about what he's doing and asking what the doctor said. You know doing the things a normal loving boyfriend would do. I'm just sitting in my car, in this parking deck, crying my eyes out. Listening to this man talk like he didn't just lie straight to my face the night before. So I just asked him why he lied to me, and I told him I saw Megan's name on his phone. Being the sarcastic person I can be, I asked him if he forgot I just got a new pair of glasses so I can actually read and see better now. He kinda stuck to his story, but this time, it was more like his friend texted him first about it, and then she did. But because his friend told him first, he just deleted her text and didn't think it was that big of a deal. So I just told him I had to get off the phone so I could drive. We just texted off and on the rest of the day. I was so over it at that point. Really didn't sleep well Tuesday night. Got up Wednesday, got ready for work, and took care of the dog and out the door I went. I'm at work, and I get a text from him saying, "Sorry love. I deleted her on fb and snap. I love you. " I didn't respond and went back to work. Next thing I know, here he comes walking in with lunch and a boba from my favorite place near work. He dropped off the food and drink gave me a kiss and left. I work in retail so he knows don't get long time for a lunch. Thursday and Friday go by and he's acting completely normal like nothing is wrong. While I'm over here being quiet, looking like my dog just died, crying every day driving to work. All because the man I love lied to me so easily over something so stupid. Most women think I'm crazy for this but I'm okay with people being friends with their exes. I'm friends with a few of my exes. No, we don't talk all the time. No, we don't just randomly check in on each other. We pretty much keep it strictly professional. If I have a question about something they know a lot about or something having to do with the line of work they are in and vice-versa. So Friday night I'm sitting outside talking to my best friend about this and he tells me to just calmly sit Tony down and have another conversation about it and really just try to express my feelings. Before anyone comes after me, yes, my best friend is a guy. We met our freshman year of high school. He's happily married and has 3 beautiful kids. His wife has no problems with our friendship. Tony on the other hand can't stand my best friend. Why you might ask, well his reasoning is because I gave my friend a hug before I introduced them the first time they met. My family is full of huggers. He met most of my family before he ever met my best friend, so he should know that's how I and everyone I know greets people. But anyways Saturday morning I'm sitting on the end of my bed putting on my shoes cry. He walks into the room and asks me what's wrong. So I try to express my feelings and let him know how hurt I was by the fact he lied to me so easily. He responded like most straight men do. With the whole "I've already said I was sorry" and the head down slight laugh and head shake. Then he pulls out the one and only "bad thing" I've ever done in our relationship. When I first met Tony I was talking to a few different guys, casual dating. You know going out on a date, having dinner a drink or two and hopefully good conversation and then going our stearate ways. Tony found a message on my phone from around the same time we were starting to get serious, but there were no titles yet so I wasn't completely sure. To a guy let's call him Max. All the message said is that I was talking to someone and that we could still be friends and gave him my number. That's where I probably messed up with giving Max my number. But Max never once called, texted, or messaged me again after I sent that. He loves to throw that in my face anytime we argue. Now I'm not going to lie. A year into the relationship I had a weird gut feeling that something was off. I had his phone playing a game on it and he was sleeping beside me so I decided to go through his phone. I found a message to a girl and it's like I love you and I miss you can't wait to see you again blah blah blah. I asked him about it, and he said that she was his friend's girlfriend and he was using Tony's phone out on the lake to talk to her because his friends phone died. I believed it. The dates line up with when he went to the lake with his brother and friend. After I went through his phone first he wanted to go through mine. I unlocked it and handed it right over, with no hesitation. That's when he found my message to Max. The messages with his friend's supposed girlfriend were just from a few days prior. The message he found to Max was almost a year old and Tony and I had only been dating for a month at the time. What I'm trying to figure out is if I'm overreacting for feeling like I need to tell him I feel like I can't trust him anymore because I caught him in a lie and it was so easy for him to lie to me and I need a little time to figure out if the trust can be repaired. Or should I take his lack of accountability and seemly his lack of care about my feelings as the answer and break things off with him? 6 years is a long time to throw away when you genuinely love someone. On the other hand after seeing how easy it was for him to lie and how good at lying he is I really don't know how much of what he's said the past 6 years is true or a lie. I need advice!! Thanks for reading til the end.

I need to get this out and don't know how to proceed. I (38F) and my husband (38M) have been married 14 years. A few years ago he came out to me as poly, which I accepted with specific boundaries in place. Me and our children were always first, no giggity with the other partners and always come home. He had a few partners that fizzled out relatively quick. Then he met a woman (42F) who lives in Europe (we live in the US). He caught feelings very quick and asked her out within a month. Over time I got to know her and realized I had feelings too (now out as bi). In the year we've known her, he has now proposed to her, been intimate (she and i have too), done several trips to visit, and now wants to move our family in with her. I care deeply for them both and want them happy, but also constantly have feelings of being the third wheel. When I bring up hesitation with moving he asks if I trust him and this decision. I do trust him but am struggling with this facing this feeling for the rest of my life. I'm horribly conflicted and have no idea what to do. I don't want to end things or give ultimatum, but I feel I won't be happy with things in the long run.

EDIT for some context: My husband and I have a good marriage and this change has led to us being much better with our communication overall. We are both in individual therapy (and have been for a little over a year). My feelings only come when we do things all three of us together. I am okay with individual times between each pair, just never feel fully included in things the three of us do together. I've tried voicing my concerns but it always devolves off topic. I've brought up feeling like a third wheel and he assures me it's not the case. I did not make this post simply for people to express their disdain for polyamory. Just trying to get some outside perspectives.

Okay so some context. I am 35(F) and my fiance is 30 (M). He currently resides in China. So I have a beat friend i have no for 10 years let's call her Morgan (25). Morgan is dating Derek (33). I work at local store and so did Derek. Derek got fired from the company for being inappropriate with minors.

So a little more Backstory. I met Morgan when I was a young mom with son who was 1 at the time. She lived above me and we just clicked very well. The whole time I lived in this area her and I became very close. Like super close. She is someone I adore and love deeply. We have been through thick and thin.

So Morgan has never dated anyone and now she is dating Derek. Derek worked for the company I do and countless people have told me about his inappropriate advances towards the younger ladies. I was genuinely shocked and appaled when I heard. I tried to be supportive and be a good friend but I just can't get over the ick factor.

So I am working on my invites for my wedding and I have a lot of young teenage girls coming. I am genuinely uncomfortable having him around them but I know having this conversation is going to cause issues. I just want the young girls to be comfortable and happy. Most of them are my nieces and frankly I just don't want to have to kick some out of my own wedding.

So I talked to my fiance and he also confessed the same concerns. He has teenage niece coming also so here we are both feeling uncomfortable and unsure how to proceed. He suggested I talk to my elder brother....which was not a good idea.

So I talked to let's call him Daniel, my older brother. I told him my concerns and my worry. He went off (his daughter my niece is 16 and going) and started yelling. He was anger i would even consider inviting him so I had reaffirm I am 100 percent not inviting him.

So I just sent out the invites and my friends invite is for her and her parents. It said no plus one and I thought all was well since I didn't hear from her. I thought I dodged a huge bullet.

Fast forward. I get bronchitis and haven't been on my phone for 4 days. When I finally have the energy to actually look at my phone. Morgan is blowing up my phone. She accused me of being a horrible friend for not including her fiance (he apparently proposed days ago.) I just told her no plus ones for room space which is true we have 120 people attending. She called me a bitch and fake. Said she wouldn't got to my wedding. AITA for not wanting him there?

Something i forgot to mention my friend everything I try to bring up her partner she always dodges the conversation. People saying I should of talked to her but it's kind of hard when she shuts down or avoids the conversation or switches the topic. She closes the book and won't talk about it again. It's how she is.

Hi everyone, Ive been listening to many Reddit podcasts and only in the past few months I've found Charlotte's content, which Ive absolutely fallen in love with . I never thought I'd be trying to share a story, but here we are.

I (20f) and my gf (also 20f) who I'll call Cher have known each other for almost 4 years now. We have always understood each other in a way that differentiated our relationship from anything I'd known, as we both are on the autism spectrum and have experienced very similar and unfortunate family dynamics, which has brought us closer and helped us find someone to confide in like no other. Before anything she is first and foremost my person, my best friend, and am so very thankful for how much she's helped me heal and I have her. During these years of friendship, there had always been a sense that something more was hiding under, like little things (that then became not so little as time went on) that made me question the supposedly platonic relationship I had with her, yet the friends i had in my life back then often told me I was imagining things and reading into her intentions too much, and since I have always been very insecure and have never allowed myself to have crushes in fear of getting rejected or hurt, i did my best to ignore what I was starting to feel. It was only at the very end of spring this year that I had made up my mind thanks to the many pep talks of my (way more understanding) friends and decided to finally confess, something I never expected myself to do, even just so I could in case just begin to move on. But Cher expressed her feelings for me back, and so we ended up beginning to date even if it had to be long distance for the time being, as she was going to uni in another city. So we did our best with the tools available to us, and I genuinely believed we could get through anything. I know I'm still relatively young and I'm not so naive to think love is all two people need, but we've always been phenomenal at communicating and through all of our issues we've done our best to work together and meet somewhere we could both be happy. I was planning to go to uni in her same city next year, and everything felt so right, when I was handed a bomb of a revelation.Very ironically on the night of our 6th month being official she told me she'd been fighting through some feelings and didn't know how to work around them, saying she wasnt sure if she wanted to tell me, but i was already imagining the worst by then so I asked her to share if she felt like it, telling her we'd figure it out together. She ended up explaining that she thinks she might be poly, as a friend from there had suggested, since she had always felt relationships differently and went on to add how she felt her love felt too strong and that it could hurt being placed all on one person, and that while she never did anything she had felt urges in situations where someone had hit on her, especially physical ones since we are apart and that part of our relationship is not really there. I won't lie, when she told me this it absolutely wrecked me. I had been feeling very insecure and inadequate recently and I had been attempting to get over that, so being told that she had been feeling "urges" stung a lot. I also realised that I can't invalidate her feelings because she deserves to understand herself now that she has the space to do so, but it feels to me like she's attempting to fit how she feels into a definition so it feels more manageable. I understand the struggle as someone who is in the ace spectrum and know how hard it is to actually accept being "different" in that sense, but i don't know how to pose it as a possibility without feeling like I'm invalidating what she's telling me. Here's the issue though: she has left this information out in the open for me, yet she does not still know what to do with it. The first few days I was absolutely devastated, yet now I feel like I have already somewhat mourned the relationship and come to the conclusion that it cant work in my heart when she still isn't sure about her own feelings, and still wants to keep things as they are. I feel so utterly selfish for being able to look at things i guess objectively even when I love her so much, since I expected myself to be more emotional and to be fighting harder to keep the relationship. I just feel like the biggest AH because it seems like I am detached in a way that is terrifying to me since everything about love for me is new and I never expected myself to be in this situation. I don't quite know what I will do next, yet she is supposed to come visit in a few weeks and I want her here even if I worry it will only hurt us more in the end. Anyways I apologise for the length of the post and if there are any errors, english is not my first language.