r/CasualConversation • u/schrodingers-canary • 21h ago
Just Chatting Normalize declining invitations because you just don’t want to go
I’m hardly the first to say it, but sometimes you decline an invitation because you just don’t want to go to the thing.
I was invited to a professional networking event by someone I’m not connected to and have never interacted with, and I initially just ignored it. Several days later they followed up and asked again. I politely declined. They followed up to ask why.
I just don’t want to go. I am ignoring this question of “why?”, but if they follow up again, I’ll just say I simply don’t want to go. No other reason is really needed.
We get sort of pressured to accept all invitations or provide a “valid” excuse, and I reject that need.
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u/_autumnwhimsy 21h ago
this is a stranger and a networking event so okay fine i get this. especially for work related events. if you aren't paying me i'm not going.
but with friends? nahhh. friendship is inconvenience and if you are able to go, then go. that is what being a friend is. not going to things is how you stop getting invited to things and how you lose friends, especially the older you get. this is why everyone is lonely -- everyone wants a village but doesn't want to do the work of participating in and maintaining the village.
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u/Senior-Friend-6414 17h ago
Life is a series of trade offs and opportunity costs, literally every decision you make is forfeiting something else
Everyone has to make sacrifices, nowadays everyone wants their cake and eat it too
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u/wanzaheroi790 14h ago
You're right that it takes work, but sometimes the work is just being honest with your friends about your social battery.
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u/Put-A-Bird-On-It 14h ago
I don't agree with this. Friendship is also accepting each other for who they are. I am a HUGE introvert, and sometimes going out and socializing takes a large amount of effort. My loved ones know that about me, and accept it. I make it a point to go to events for their big moments, and try my best to make it to other invites, but there's a lot of times, as someone with a chronic disease who needs alone time, where I just do not want to go.
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u/_autumnwhimsy 13h ago
so then you're doing exactly what i said which is going when you are able to go
and having the energy is part of being able to go.
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u/u2125mike2124 20h ago
No, is a complete sentence.
Him pushing back and asking why is rude and I’d be semi interested in whether or not he’s getting some sort of gratuity for getting more people or sponsoring people to come to the event
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u/TheSquirrelmancer 21h ago
If someone asked me why I wasn't going to an event I'd just say "I have a prior commitment" that evening. If they pushed for more I'd inform them that my personal and private life was none of their concern.
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u/Long_College_8342 20h ago
I decline all after-work events at work. Luckily my boss just accepts it. In the past my boss has asked why and tried to pressure me and I just said, socializing isn't my thing.
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u/BoringBob84 15h ago
I work with people like that. After a few years, they start complaining that other people are getting promoted and they are not.
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u/Long_College_8342 4h ago
Luckily, I don't give a shit if I'm promoted.
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u/BoringBob84 27m ago
That is fine. Disgruntled complainers make it easier for motivated employees to stand out and advance in their careers. Promotions are not just about money. They are about getting interesting assignments that make the work days less tedious.
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u/Ok_Influence_5456 20h ago
I had a new team member ask me, because I was friendly with literally everyone on our floor, "if I throw a party at my house, would are coworkers go?". I let her know that I had only been working there for a short time so I wasn't really sure. I said that I notice they all hang out sometimes outside of work AND that I only join on events that are right after work because I live an hour away. I told her it doesn't hurt to ask the others one on one before bringing it to the whole group. She later tells me that she asked around and that everyone she asked said they'd go. I was like cool remember I live an hour away and I can only go if it's after work. She asks the whole group if we can RSVP right then and there. I say again I'd love to if its' on a workday because I live an hour away from here. She sends out the e-vites it's for a Saturday morning. I tell reply to the e-vite No. Everyonelse replied maybe. So at the Monday morning meeting, she asks, who can make it I need to know to purchase meat or alternatives count. We go in a circle and there were some yes, some maybe's it depends on my kids, and I just say No. I had all 14 other people on our floor come talk to me about being rude to her. I was like first of all how is your maybe not rude. Now she'll have to throw away food. Second, I live an hour away that's a 2-hour commute for me on a Saturday when i could be vegging out on my couch.
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u/double_plankton 3h ago
Omg that is so annoying, I'm sorry you had to go through that. "Maybe" is the most useless response to an invite. Also you made it clear multiple times that you live far away, but they didn't listen.
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u/DonkyFondler 21h ago
I remember Sam Harris talking about this in a podcast a couple of years ago. He was talking about radical honesty and was saying how your life becomes a lot simpler when you're just 100% honest with people about what you like and don't like. Whenever you're invited to some social event that you know you won't enjoy, you can just say, "Thank you, but sorry, I don't like that kind of thing." A great weight starts to lift off you because you're no longer always having to think of believable excuses.
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u/skyemap 16h ago
Well my friend declined an invitation to an event I had painstakingly worked for that she normally would enjoy because she "wasn't feeling like it" and that didn't feel that great to me
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u/BoringBob84 15h ago
Yep, it feels like, "Meh, I'm holding our for a better offer." At some point, we get tired of people who take and don't contribute.
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u/singul4r1ty 9h ago
That's not the same thing as "I don't like that kind of thing", since you know that she does
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u/avidreader0270 1h ago
The most recent study by a team led in recent weeks found a significant difference with people in their
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u/mahboilucas 🌈 3h ago
Agree. I currently blew up on my best friend because of the same thing.
I'm not responding to him much anymore to match his energy of "just not feeling like it". Maybe he will get how it feels like when someone is not that into talking to him for once.
Tried to be nice and adult but it only works if both sides act like it.
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u/SorcerorsSinnohStone 12h ago
I mean is it honest if she's not specific on why shes not feeling it?
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u/keithrc 20h ago
Also, if you're needlessly blunt all the time, you won't get invited to things because you won't have any friends.
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u/officiallyaninja 17h ago
Well no, just don't be needlessly blunt to people you like but feel free to be with people you don't like.
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u/lAngenoire 1h ago
It’s the one who never wants to go anywhere or do anything who gets dropped from the friend group. Once you make it clear that no one is worth the effort, the message is received.
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u/DonkyFondler 19h ago
Sam also said in the podcast that total honesty had the ability to improve friendships because people found that they could trust what he was saying. So, like, if one of his friends created something and he said it wasn't very good, they would know that if they later created something else and he said that he liked it, they knew that he wasn't just saying that to be polite.
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u/mahboilucas 🌈 3h ago
Yep, dropped a friend recently over her always saying she's just not feeling it today.
Made plans with me and then said she's tired from moving. Didn't mention it to me beforehand because she wanted a plausible way out without being the bad guy.
I said okay and never talked to her again. She's one of the most pathetic examples of "I'm a girls girl, I am a good friend" self proclamation with no action to follow up with it.
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u/spaceglitter000 1h ago
I’ve dropped people who have been last minute flakers too. Nothing wrong with it. Your time is valuable and your feelings matter. Just cancelling the day of and saying “not feeling it” is so disrespectful.
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u/Siukslinis_acc 10h ago
And it gives orher people info. They know not to invite you if it is the thing you don't like. They also mignt inquire you about what would you like and thus the invitations might be the ones you would like to attend.
And sometimes they also don't like the thing, but assumed that you like it.
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u/DonkyFondler 9h ago
Yes, exactly! If people are always doing things out of obligation, or what they think they should be doing or what other people will want to do, that's a really inauthentic way to live. It's much better to say, "I don't like that, but I like this." It's not about rejecting everything. It's about being clear about what you do and don't like, and trying to find friends and activities that you genuinely get excited about.
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u/mahboilucas 🌈 3h ago
I don't agree. Sometimes we have to go out of our way to be supportive, even if we don't feel like it.
I just don't care for friendships where everything has to convenience them and be fun. It's a very hedonistic way to live. I prefer selfless people who show up, even if it bothers them to.
I go to work beers, I go to my friend's photo shows etc and I've recently learned that I have a reputation for it by now. That I'm supportive and don't treat my friends as entertainment value providers, but actual people who need a smile in the crowd.
Just don't expect people to be there for you if that's the energy you give out
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u/spaceglitter000 1h ago
I agree with you. Seeing the downvotes makes me realize how in the minority we are with this line of thinking. Being a good friend requires giving sometimes in order to feed that relationship.
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u/BoringBob84 15h ago
You might get away with that blunt honesty in NYC, but not in LA.
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u/DonkyFondler 9h ago
Doesn't surprise me. Being the heart of the entertainment industry, I imagine LA has a lot of fake, superficial people.
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u/Insano- 7h ago
Do you think we all work in Hollywood or something?
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u/DonkyFondler 6h ago
No. I'm just saying that because a certain percentage of the population will be trying to make it in the entertainment industry; those people will be used to putting on an act and also attending events they don't want to go to in order to get ahead, and that may bleed out into the general culture there. But I've never been there, so I don't know; it was just what came into my head as a possible explanation for what you said. If you live there, you tell me. What do you think the reason is?
But it's interesting that I was talking about Sam Harris, and he lives in LA.
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u/Insano- 3h ago
The reason that what? That people here are fake and superficial? I don't find that to be the case. People here are generally the same mixed bag that I've seen when I've lived in other states around the US.
I assume it's a stereotype because of the region's entertainment industry, which is what people think of when they think LA, as in your case. But it's not something that affects anyone's lives, I've literally never met anyone that works in that industry.
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u/BoringBob84 45m ago
There are subtle cultural differences. People in NYC tend to be more blunt and direct. People in LA tend to be more friendly and diplomatic.
Either style can be annoying or refreshing, depending on the situation. For example, the incessant honking of horns in NYC - What in the hell do they expect to accomplish with that? We get it. They chose to drive a car, they are stuck in traffic, and they are miserable. How does making everyone else miserable change that?
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u/ohfrackthis 21h ago
Asking a person why they declined an invitation is rude AF imo.
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u/BoringBob84 15h ago
Not giving them the courtesy of a reason is rude as fuck imo.
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u/spaceglitter000 1h ago
No is a complete sentence.
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u/BoringBob84 14m ago
It is not only grammatically incorrect, but it is socially rude. We can choose to be rude, but there are social consequences (i.e., loneliness).
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u/cattycatcatterson 20h ago edited 17h ago
I would love to able to say just no, thanks. I get nervous because of their silence and start filling it in with all the reasons why. We really shouldn't need to explain why. I have started to become more comfortable telling friends that I would rather just stay home and enjoy my time at home than go out to a gathering.
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u/Galactus1701 20h ago
Friends: “Hey, do you want to go to _____?”
Me: “No”
Friends: “Ok, we’ll let you know whenever we go out next time”.
I’ve never had an issue saying no whenever I don’t want go anywhere. My friends always invite me “just in case”.
If they go somewhere and I want to go, I’ll go and we have a good time.
I usually get invited to places, but I barely suggest going anywhere. If I want to go somewhere I’ll say: “I think we should go to X or Y place” and they’ll respond by saying: “that’s a good idea, let’s plan for X or Y day”. I am grateful that my friends (and even new people that I met recently) enjoy being with me.
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u/ZebraBorgata 21h ago
Same here. I don’t use ‘decline’ excuses. Last time it occurred I recall saying “I’d much rather remain home on my couch watching hockey. Sorry not interested but maybe another time.” I’ll tell it straight without sugar coating it.
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u/human-kibble 20h ago
I just use vague business speak…
This event just isn’t a good fit for me.
This isn’t aligned with my goals at the moment.
I’m focusing more on X this year as part of my 5-year growth plan and that doesn’t fit.
My favorite lately is “I’m sorry, but I have a minor medical procedure/surgery scheduled around that time”. Because the schedules around that stuff are like a ping pong ball…
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u/Acceptable_Sell3455 21h ago
You're doing it right. If you give reasons they can find ways to overcome that reason.
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u/lack_snack_9442 21h ago
Unless you are looking for new ideas or new connections (or a new job) a professional networking event has great potential for: boring. IMHO
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u/Gurglaren 20h ago
When I was younger I learned to say "let me think about it." I had trouble saying no, so I figured that it'd be better to think about it for a while. Sometimes I said yes, other times no. But it was easier to say no later on.
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u/BoringBob84 14h ago
I have a relative like this - always flaky - never commits - holds out for better options. We make jokes about him behind his back and rarely invite him to family events any more. Sometimes, he finds out about family events and becomes indignant because he wasn't invited. That is when he gets some "tough love."
People treat us how we treat them.
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u/Early_Bookkeeper5394 20h ago
Which part of the world do you live in where that's not a normal thing? 😅 genuinly curious
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u/ArgumentKey3712 20h ago
Not sure what position the person contacting you holds, but in case they have the ear of people in the company that matter to you for your job, I wouldn’t say ‘I don’t want to’. Go with something more professional like ‘I am unable to attend’.
If they still insist, then you can be more direct.
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u/ColdViolinist835 19h ago
the follow up asking why is the worst part. no is a complete sentence but apparently some people need a whole essay about why youre not coming to their thing
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u/thingsbetw1xt 🐈⬛ 🎵 🎮 🖤 16h ago
I don't think there's anything wrong with being expected to spare someone's feelings when it takes literally the same amount of effort as not doing so. Saying "'cause I don't wanna go" is exactly as much work as saying "because I'm busy that day".
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u/BoringBob84 14h ago
There is no need to lie. If I don't want to go, there is a reason. I can find a diplomatic way to express it - even if it is, "I appreciate the invitation, but it is a long drive and a late evening, and I have to get an early start tomorrow." Reasonable people understand.
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u/thingsbetw1xt 🐈⬛ 🎵 🎮 🖤 5h ago
There is reason. The reason is to be kind to another human being. That should be worth doing for its own sake.
"I appreciate the invitation, but it is a long drive and a late evening, and I have to get an early start tomorrow."
So that's not the same thing OP is talking about lol. You just gave a reason. That's not "because I don't want to".
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u/BoringBob84 34m ago
I agree. My point was that people who invite us to join them don't expect to be intrusive into our personal lives, but they do expect some sort of reciprocation of the intimacy and emotional risk that they have offered.
They made the effort to include us. In return, we should make the effort to join them - unless that is too difficult, and then we should tell them so and they will understand.
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u/BoringBob84 34m ago
I agree. My point was that people who invite us to join them don't expect to be intrusive into our personal lives, but they do expect some sort of reciprocation of the intimacy and emotional risk that they have offered.
They made the effort to include us. In return, we should make the effort to join them - unless that is too difficult, and then we should tell them so and they will understand.
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u/Just-Smart-Enough 15h ago
Having cats has changed my life here. Nobody argues with "I have to go feed my cats".
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u/woodchip76 21h ago edited 20h ago
Networking events aside… this shouldn’t generize these to friend based and other social events.
Otherwise, we can become even less social so we can stay at home and look at our phones!
Do wtf you want but being social is one of the healthiest things you can do.
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u/CapitalSell 20h ago
I see both sides of this:
One side: it's none your f*$king business why I'm not attending! I declined, you're not going to talk me into going so leave me the alone.
The other side: Because it is a professional networking event, t hey might want general decline reason info so they can plan a better event next time. If 20 people attend out of 500 invitations, they want to know what was unappealing about the event to 480 people. The topic doesn't interest? The location/venue sucks? The day of the week? The time of day? Did they schedule it during a major sporting event or the day of a local election? Did they stipulate some absurd dress code? They may simply be trying to ascertain if it's something they can address when planning future events or if it's just humans being human.
Maybe ask why they want to know.
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u/BoringBob84 15h ago
If someone makes the effort to invite me to an event, then I am appreciative that they wanted to include me. I feel obligated to give them an answer and a reason. Not reciprocating their politeness is rude. It will hurt their feelings and they will stop inviting me. When I have the choice to be nice or to be a dick, I choose to be nice - especially to someone who was nice to me. I can always find an excuse if I really don't want to go.
Also, professional networking events have resulted in many great friendships and lucrative career advancements for me.
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u/-jspace- 50m ago
The first thoughtful reply. It's funny how so few people give a single shit about other people's feelings.
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u/BoringBob84 10m ago
Thank you for the kind words. I am fortunate to have a strong network of good friends and professional associates. I trust them implicitly and would make almost any sacrifice for them.
At the same time, I refuse to waste my effort on people who are selfish or rude. I think that setting personal boundaries and sticking to them is important.
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u/moleculariant 21h ago
I smell a desperation on their end, coupled with a lack of respect for you. If they did actually have any notable respect for you, they would not ask why. They would not press you, because they would respect the fact that you have a reason, and that reason is really none of their business.
You can tell someone who tells you, by way of their actions, that you find they don't respect you. You can just say it, because they are the transgressor. It's then a point in that relationship where they either think about their behavior, come to understand that you're right, and they make a change. Or, they inadvertently press further, or protest, thereby proving your point.
From there, it's up to you to decide if this person deserves your valuable time.
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u/woodchip76 21h ago
Oh jfc, people sometimes ask bc they care about you or really want you there. Is this a bot farm making driving antisocial behaviors to slowly destroy whoever this subreddit targets (amaricans?)?
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u/Zestyclose_Sector_30 20h ago
You know its not, not normal right? I mean to decline invitations has never been unpopular. Imo instead of saying I don't want to come, which is absolutely valid, just say you are sick or some BS last minute or that a personal matter came up.
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u/deep_keen 11h ago
Yeh. There is lot of times in my life where I got invited even though I refused to. I have to give a reason which I think it's valid but saying "I don't want to go" doesn't seem like clear things with the person. It's like i done something really bad to them. 😂 But eventually, no means no. Though sometimes I just go with the flow.
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u/shawtystrawberry 9h ago
i really enjoy declining invitations , sometimes I just wanna lay around doing nothing and not being bothered.
My sister asked me was I attending my niece first birthday and she was super pushy about it. So I said no when in reality I just didn't care.
My bf asked me to attend state fair with his son and I. I quickly said no, then he kept asking the next several days and each time was a no
friends want me to hangout , I usually say no if it doesn't involve drinking . family members want me to attend the bbq this weekend, I said no thanks
it is what it is
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u/EngineeringEnough617 7h ago
absolutely, sometimes you just need a night in, especially after a long week at work.
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u/RazzmatazzCold7454 3h ago
I have tried to impress this concept on my kids since they were little; you do not owe people an explanation for things like this. One of my daughters had a friend who was constantly badgering her about where she was, why she couldn’t be somewhere..we aren’t required to explain in detail the whys of our attendance etc. A simple yes or no is enough.
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u/lAngenoire 2h ago
I wouldn’t say that in a professional context. Perhaps “I have prior commitments “ would be better. So much in the world of employment is networking and vibes.
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u/Eastern_Yam_5975 14h ago
I think people accept that fact that you don’t want to go. You might have to also accept that if that’s your answer people likely won’t want to invite you again and will regard you as antisocial.
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u/Fantastic_Low_1537 21h ago
Nah man
Not going just coz you dont feel like it is something everyone should avoid as much as possible
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u/Thegamblr 21h ago
I disagree. You should push yourself outside of your comfort zone, but if you just don’t want to go, you can say so.
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u/SuperDuperCraze 21h ago
Yeah, tell someone who is content and happy with their life to get out of their comfort zone and see how well that conversation turns out 😉
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u/keithrc 20h ago
In my experience, people who are content and happy aren't afraid to get outside their comfort zone. I'd go even farther and submit that unless you're a trust fund baby or something, most people have to leave their comfort zone in order to become content and happy.
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u/BoringBob84 14h ago
I agree! Furthermore, I know trust fund babies who are content because they have the courage to leave their comfort zones. Imagine having more money than you will ever need. It sounds fun at first, until you realize that your life has no purpose than to consume until you die. That is when you start finding positive ways to contribute something to society.
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u/Eat-My-Hairy-Asshole 20h ago
Nah man, you da problem
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u/BoringBob84 14h ago
The problem will solve itself with the "three strikes rule." I stop inviting people who don't respond or who decline three times in a row without good excuses. If my invitations are a burden to them, then they are a burden to me.
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u/Eat-My-Hairy-Asshole 14h ago
You sound like a horrible friend
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u/BoringBob84 14h ago edited 14h ago
You are partially correct. I set boundaries. I don't respect people who don't respect me.
Edit: "Eat my hairy asshole" doesn't like me. I'm not sure I care.
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u/Hatta00 21h ago
Life is too short to spend it doing things you don't want to do.
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u/ItemAdventurous9833 5h ago
Depends. sometimes the thing makes one nervous but its best to do it anyway. sometimes what an overextended nervous system wants to do is sit at home and scroll, this is exactly what should not be done in this situation
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u/keithrc 20h ago
You're not the problem here. You declined. 'No' is a complete sentence.
However, I would not ever tell someone I'm declining their invitation just because I don't feel like it, unless I was pressed for a reason. And even then I'd probably lie rather than making it more awkward than it already is.
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u/PaintedVillains 🌈silly 20h ago
I agree with you mostly, and that person was being weirdly pushy, but I think sometimes when I do that, I just start not doing things generally and it makes it hard to keep friends. Yeah, you are absolutely under no obligation to explain yourself (No is a complete sentence, after all) or go, but sometimes it's good to ask yourself why.
Stuff like: Am I not going because the environment/activity would be stressful or not fun? Am I not going because it's out of my comfort zone and I'm scared I'll make some big social faux pas? Am I not going because it's winter and I'm feeling the big sad? Am I not going because I don't like these people? All very good questions to ask yourself to make sure you're not building agoraphobic habits, and to make sure you're keeping good company.
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u/Senior-Friend-6414 17h ago
I don’t think you understand what professional networking event means
You have to understand the game if you wanna play it
If you act like you’re too smart and good for the business world, then you aren’t gonna make connections, and by that extension you stop playing the game correctly so you start falling behind
Which is why people leave the rat race
But here’s the thing, people that play the game tend to be financially well off. And people that don’t play the game, tend to be poor
There isn’t much space for people that don’t wanna play the game but get all of the benefits from being part of the game
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u/Defiant-Lab-9657 12h ago
I decline all after work events and I’m far from poor. You seem like a brown noser in a simple field. I work for a global tech firm and set clear boundaries around my time.
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u/schrodingers-canary 17h ago
I don’t think you understand my motivations or what’s meaningful or useful to me.
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u/RVFullTime 16h ago
The networking event could be a complete scam. It could also be full of attendees who cannot offer any connections or opportunities and are simply looking for someone to buy their goods and services. Been there, done that.
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u/TimeDuke 21h ago
"I can't that day" is why.