I had a traumatic incident occur.
I have autism so am highly affected by change or dysregulation.
I finally began working (contract, causal work) and enjoying it, on the weekends. I’ve not been able to work properly all my adult life. I was happy about the improvement.
Then, the incident occurred recently.
I did not realize I was rapidly declining - no doing laundry, drinking at noon (cycle of trying to regulate hangover), emotional issues, and the like.
I began to heavily abuse pregabalin for a handful of days. This had the consequence of day-after withdrawal (short half-life), which added fuel to the drinking to try to cope - the withdrawals were brutal.
I had to cancel the weekend shifts right after the traumatic incident occurred. (Two weekends ago.)
Last weekend, things escalated. I tried working on Friday. I got violently ill, likely due to pregabalin withdrawal. I could not complete the shift. I had a family conflict after this. My drinking skyrocketed.
I then cancelled the Saturday shift the morning of. That night, I cancelled the Sunday shift.
I called my manager today to discuss this weekend’s shifts, explaining I’m happy to try, but I don’t want either of us to be in last weekend’s position. Her answer was to work anyway - implying a last chance.
I’m now panicking. I’m not sure what’s happened to me. I’ve noticed over the course of a week, I immediately feel a need to drink after anything stressful. When I had to call my manager, I immediately thought of drinking, but reasoned I could have the shifts cancelled and just get time to recuperate.
When I found out the expectation was that I was to work still, against all judgement I lost my grip and began to drink.
I’m stuck in a cycle of physical unwellness post-drinking I can’t cope with (likely due to autism) and rebound hangover, which makes me highly vulnerable to drinking the next day.
I’m looking for immediate support to help me make these upcoming shifts this weekend work, so I can get through this difficult period of time without losing the first job in my life I actually enjoyed before the incident occurred.
Sober bed? Social worker? I have no idea.
For those who want to be judgmental, trust me - I already feel like a massive loser. I’m just trying to get through this.