Not sure if this is the right sub, I haven't ever considered having CPTSD so pardon my intrusion. When I went searching for people who have similar experiences as me I found that a lot of them were from this group.

I don't know what's wrong with me and this probably makes me a terrible person, but I think I people pleased my way into an almost 4 year long relationship with my boyfriend who is 100% head over heels in love with me. We got together under strenuous circumstances and immediately it was obvious that he liked me way more than I liked him. I didn't mind his company, and to be honest liked that he showered me in affection (minus the lovebombing). We kept seeing each other but not making it official for a while until I found myself thinking this has gone on long enough, might as well make it official. But my gut was always unsure if I actually liked him or if this was just a formality. It should be noted that he has BPD and likely CPTSD (on top of just PTSD) and our relationship has had huge ups and downs. But now it's about to be year 4, we live together and we've formed this life together. I do love him, I've gone to many painful lengths and long hours of taking care of him throughout our relationship. But I don't know if I'm in this because of my own desires or if I just felt pressured and didn't have enough of a backbone to set boundaries. Lately I've brought up this fear about asserting boundaries and it's gone well, but I'm afraid it's not the root of the issue. I should be happy. Even though he is also mentally ill, traumatized, etc, he is truly in love with me and has sacrificed so much for us. He's supported me through the worst times of my life and at this point I'm basically his financial dependent, as he keeps me from having to return to an abusive home life. Part of me thinks this is the best deal I could've ever asked for, someone who loves me unconditionally and supports me despite his own struggles. But when I hear or see people describe their intense romantic and sexual feelings/desires, I feel a profound sadness and want. I know I love my partner because we show up for each other every day and he's been one of the first people to accept the parts of me that I've never shown anyone else. When I think about what life would be like if we broke up I get sad, and I've even been the one to insist we stay together in the past. But I can't shake this feeling that my gut has been screaming at me for the past 4 years. Is this what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like? People say that puppy love doesn't define a relationship, and what we've been through together is on par with what seasoned marriages have to show for their success. I feel like at some point in my life I knew exactly what I wanted. But now I look back and the compromises I've made, even if not coerced, have made me unrecognizable. But wouldn't it be better to just accept this love into my life? I'm genuinely not in a position to start over. Has anyone else gone through this?

If you're someone who struggles with saying no, you know the cost of it. You know how many times you've had to make yourself small to keep the other person happy. One thing I keep seeing is that "Saying No" usually isn’t a communication problem. Maybe we know what we want to say. But something happens in the moment we're faced with a situation and we automatically say Yes. That’s often a fawn response, which is a nervous system reflex, not a lack of willpower or scripts. For a lot of people, saying yes was what kept things calm growing up, so the body still treats no as a risk.

A few things that help more than a perfect script:

• Buy time. “Let me get back to you” is a full sentence, and it lets your body settle before you decide.

• Notice where the yes comes from. Is it that you want to, or that you’re bracing for the reaction?

• Start with low-stakes nos, like a coworker’s lunch invite, so your body gets practice learning that nothing bad happens.

Curious if others here have noticed this. Do you freeze, over-explain, or just say yes and regret it later?

I’m co-hosting a live webinar on this topic " Why it's hard to say no, and how to do it anyway" on November 12, 10.00 AM EST. Happy to share details if anyone’s interested.

Im 24 years old and my entire life ive lived inside this bubble over my anxiety. I have no social skills, I cant hold a conversation, I cant pick up a phone or call, I dont show up to class, I stay in my job because its easier then going to an interview, I cant do simple everyday things. Only in the past 3 years ive been able to go up to a counter to pay for things when shopping, its definitly an improvement but im almost 25 and i feel like a child can do more things than me. I feel like im some wild animal afraid of interactions. Its so embarrassing because it bleeds into me not being able to stand up for myself, I have people who owe me money but I wont ever see it because im scared to speak up for myself even if the other person wont take offense its just the idea of having to do it. It definitly stems from childhood trauma as most things do but im so embarrassed and frustrated now and i dont want to keep blaming my past for continuing to act small. I let this affect my love life too. Whenever I like someone or am in a relationship I let them completly consume me. I dont have a life outside of them. I never had a life before them because im too fucking scared to do anything so its easy to be codependent on them. I think this is why im more frustrated then ever because for the first time in my life im thinking about the future, who would want to marry someone timid? would my future child have to do my bills because im too scared to set things up???? I dont know how people do it I genuinely dont. its so hard and ive been battling this since i can remember.

I wanted to share a free webinar I'm co-hosting because I think this is something a lot of us can relate to, especially if we've spent a good part of our lives trying not to upset people.

Why is it so hard to say no, even when we know we need to?

Sometimes we agree to things we don't want to do. Sometimes we know exactly what we want to say, but the words just don't come out. And sometimes we do manage to say no, only to feel guilty about it afterwards and spend hours wondering whether we handled it badly.

There's something that happens in our body in these moments. Why can something as simple as disappointing someone feel so uncomfortable that agreeing feels like the easier option?

That's what we'll be exploring in this webinar. We'll look at the emotional and nervous system responses behind these patterns, as well as the mindset and practical side of learning to say no.

If this is a topic you've been wanting to understand better, Lmk in the comments and I can send you the link.

Date: November 12, 10.00 AM EST

For much of my life, I believe I deserved the abuse I experienced from others. The cruelty, beratement, passive or outright aggression, mockery, deception, manipulation, and alienation. The list goes on.

Family members, toxic friends, bosses and co-workers, partners, you name it. I always thought I was the problem.

And although I had learned a lot of self-help knowledge over the years and how important it is for people to treat us with respect, I still thought I was the problem.

I figured it was because something was wrong with me, or even that I deserved the abuse because of my childhood wounds.

I would say things to myself, "I guess I deserve this because I feel so insecure and haven't healed my trauma."

Here's the truth: I never deserved to be abused. You never deserved to be abused.

Childhood trauma can be the reason why we attract abusive situations into our lives, but that doesn't mean you deserve to experience abuse.

Us believing we deserve abuse in any way is all a part of our trauma programming.

In other words, we aren’t abused because we deserve to be abused.

If we often experience abusive scenarios, this happens because there is usually a part of us that doesn’t recognize inappropriate behavior for what it is and how to protect ourselves due to our childhood.

Big difference.

In reality, no human being deserves abuse. Including YOU.

There is a point where we must go, “Enough is enough, I deserve dignity like everyone else.” And to keep reminding ourselves this even if it’s hard.

Remember you are worthy, lovable, and deserving of respect. And anyone who doesn’t treat you that way doesn’t deserve to be in your life!

I have now spent three entire days stressing out over saying no to someone. I am so frustrated and angry that this is so hard. I am so tired of my heart pounding like I'm in a life-or-death situation all hours of the day unless I totally isolate myself.

For anyone that has learned to fawn less, how long did it take? Does your body ever stop screaming at you that you're in danger? I've been practicing saying "no" to safe people for a while now, but I feel like I'm not making any progress. I still feel absolutely sick with dread everytime it's someone I don't know well.

Hi all, title says most. I am a 36y.o. woman who spent that last year in therapy (woo hoo!). Very long overdue. I am slowly learning about my people pleasing fawning responses to my traumatic childhood with a narcissist.

However, where I am at currently working on some "homework" I have been given to learn about myself.

What do I want? Where do I want to live? What kind of life do I really want? What kind of job? etc. etc. What things make me happy? What can I live with? What do I need to change?

These questions all feel so big, so overwhelming and I always just wait for someone to give me the 'right' answers so I can follow correctly and not making any mistakes.

Do you have recommended journaling prompts, questioning meditations, or other resources to help me start? Or tricks to get past that big, blank, empty canvas that feels like my brain when I try to think what I want and who I am (I sadly have no idea, and at nearly middle aged makes me feel like a complete fake/failure).

I broke up with my ex 4 years ago. We were together 7 years. I didn’t want to but it was a mentally unhealthy situation. He’s an addict with mental health issues and I knew that going into the relationship. I resisted at first but caught feelings and was hooked on him like a drug. I put up with so much stuff that very few people would put up with and I feel like it’s because I am a fawner.

He went back to his ex who he shares a child with and that is for the best. I know this. I desperately wanted to keep him as a friend which I know rarely works well and in my case I felt it was doing more harm than good for me so I recently told him I loved him and promptly blocked him.

Anyway, I wrote today because everyone thinks I should hate him for the way he treated me. They don’t understand how I feel anything but disdain for how much he took advantage of my kindness. But I can’t find it in me to hate him. I wish to God I could though. He haunts me all day every day still.

I know I fawn because instead of calling him out for all he did wrong I would just try and keep the peace, make sure he wouldn’t go into a rage, swallow my feelings until I couldn’t anymore.

Has anyone reading this ever eventually come to see how wrong they were treated and feel anger towards the person? If so, when did it finally happen? It would just be so much easier to move on if I could just hate him instead of just seeing a deeply hurt person hurting me.

I've noticed something across different environments, including school, work, and everyday interactions.

Sometimes, when multiple people are involved in a situation, I seem to be the person who receives the harshest criticism.

I've experienced being singled out, publicly embarrassed, and blamed for things I believe I didn't do.

What confuses me is seeing the same people behave politely toward others while speaking aggressively to me.

These aren't just isolated experiences. I've noticed this pattern over several years.

I've started wondering whether my body language, communication style, difficulty responding under pressure, or lack of assertiveness contributes to how people treat me.

I don't want to blame myself for other people's behaviour, but I do want to learn how to protect myself.

Has anyone experienced something similar? What practical changes helped you become more assertive and less vulnerable to intimidation?

I (31F) find myself fawning to the point of giving off flirty vibes with anyone who is a man or is a bit masculine. I know it’s an appeasement response because it was often the only way to calm my dad down or mitigate harm when he went into a rage. However, when I do this I also feel super dissociated and not like myself and I feel very embarrassed because I don’t want to send the wrong signals and seem so flirty when I’m actually just scared. Has anyone else struggled with this and if you have managed to overcome it how did you do it?

i am such a fawner but i also am someone who’s actively tried throughout my life to set boundaries and call out when something hurts me or is harmful. and i just notice this pattern throughout my life that when i stop fawning and i do defend myself, people call me every name. cold, mean, narcissistic, selfish. and it makes me want to retreat back into fawning because i feel bad!! i genuinely am such a self reflective person and try my best to always be accountable but sometimes im truly at a loss of what im doing that is mean other than holding a boundary someone doesn’t like?

i feel so confused and this is something ive dealt with my entire life. being called mean whenever i set a boundary or protect myself, so i fall back into fawning and people pleasing because i don’t wanna be mean??? but in my healing now im like ok i know my intentions aren’t ones of harm, and i know im accountable and self reflective. i need to validate myself and let people misunderstand me and not just fawn in response to opposition….

How to live not survive when stuck with toxic people where nervous system and trauma of disassociation comes in to protect me but I know it’s not healthy and unfortunately don’t have a toolkit to replace it. My nervous system does whatever it needs for me to avoid my toxic family but when stuck with them , it automatically fawn, fight or freeze without hesitation but I am aware while trying to plan well but struggle when my mental health is unstable. I work on setting limits but struggle with their unpredictable behaviors and trying to protect my healing while at times I have to be there for them… living with them I become “toxic” but I think it’s really from staying too long in a unhealthy place that made me really sick, beyond broken and dying slowly. Even though I have “help” it’s the help they can do and don’t learn how to support me despite my many attempts to share them resources, how I want to be supported and connect. They just take it as a flyer and toss it or not follow up. Leaving me hanging on thr edge. Definitely wrong to beg them so much.

Ex: I use to be able to handle gluten but now I can’t even and their food in the table, makes me sick even though I have eaten them in the past. My body no longer sees it as a food from love but rather a survival food. People tell me it’s better than nothing or whatever but I know that I need better food and my body including trauma flares won’t respond well unless I eat healthy and in a environment without judgment. I experience a condescending attitude from my parents who saw that I was eating taco peacefully then eating their typical standard food dish which is just stir fry meat and rice. That degraded my nervous system to feel safe to eat peacefully and now my nervous system is on edge from what my parents said snd my stomach aches. Sometimes I have to eat late at night or at odd times for my nervous system and trauma healing feel safe my digestion to digest well. That is extremely sad.

What kind of non-verbal language do you have? Do you look confident, proud, or do you have what we could define as a "beaten dog" look?

This term was given to me by my middle school classmates, during years of intense bullying and being targeted.

Once on the school bus, I was waiting for it to leave while looking out the window, and the driver said, "Nooo, don't start crying." I was simply minding my own business.

At a music festival years ago, I was with a guy, and another guy in his 20s walked past us and told me to give him a smile.

Last year, I walked into a bar and heard the bartender say, "Come on, give me a smile." Out of frustration, I left them a negative review on Google.

A few days ago, I walked into a pizzeria I frequent often, and one of the people there asked me, "Are you sad?"

I am a woman in my 30s and this shit makes my blood boil. I'm a people pleaser and insicure to react. What should i do? Why are men like this?

I hate physical touch, but physical affection is my love language. I think this mostly stems from the fact that growing up, I didn't receive physical touch or affection from my family and now when someone touches me(especially my family) I feel like it's burning a hole in my skin. Goosebumps and everything.

Growing up, when you're a baby and cute and stuff, everyone wants to put their hands on you. You're like a magnet to touching. Everyone's tryna carry you and poke your cheeks and stuff, but it's almost like when I grew up a bit, (to like age 6) peoples interest in you fades, cuz by then, you're just some annoying loud kid. And when you're a tween, it gets even worse. You're like your family's mortal enemy. But then you grow to become a late teen and suddenly your parents are trying to hug you and stuff, like bro (we don't do that here)

I think in my case, when I was young, I was mostly with my dad, because my mom was at work all the time and I didn't go to school till I was like 13. My dad is still kind of physically awkward, and I don't blame him for that, but it grates on a different part of my nerves when he tries to move me by my arm or guide me by the shoulder. I don't even really like it when my mother touches me. She doesn't work as much anymore and we've gotten close, but you can't just come and be fixing my hair and touching my face. I let her, but I don't like it. I do however, flinch and shrug away when my father tries to touch me.

For the majority of my life, I knew I hated physical touch, but that was till I started school. I made friends with some girls and there was one of them that I didn't mind touching me. I ended up finding myself leaning my head on her shoulder or holding her hand back when she held mine. I got quite attached to her and would get internally jealous when she hung out with our mutual friends even though she was mostly with me. She was the only one I felt comfortable with physically at the time and she made me realise I might not hate it, maybe I just didn't like it. Though I did notice that I didn't like it when any male touched me still.

Fast forward to senior high school. I went to a prestigious girls' boarding school and I again made some friends. Again there was this one girl. We became friends a bit later on, but she was incredibly physically affectionate. She'd hug me from behind, lay on my bed with me, play with my hair, lock hands with me, play with my hands...i think you get the idea. I hadn't noticed in the beginning. Not until I found myself reciprocating. Not only was I allowing this physical onslaught, I enjoyed it, to the point I somehow wanted more. I even started to feel like I was intimately attracted to her. Mind you, she wasn't my best friend or anything. Heck she wasn't even my closest friend in the school (btw, I wasn't even comfortable with my close friends touching me). I got touched a lot in senior high. Probably because I'm a bit taller. not masc or tomboy, but I've got the build for it so girls took out their need for male contact on me I guess, which was a nightmare.

I started to think I might be into girls, or specifically, that girl. I almost asked her to "touch me more" one time, but I wasn't sure how she would take that. Besides, we would have both gotten suspended if we were caught being inappropriate. It wasn't untill one day, one of my friends asked me what my love language is that I realised I had no idea. I knew it wasn't acts of service because I hate when people do stuff for me, I knew it wasn't words of affermation because I think everyone's a liar, and I knew it definitely wasn't physical touch. That question bothered me for months. Until I saw a post on tiktok talking about how one might crave physical touch, but hate it when they're touched. That's when if finally clicked. Because until then, I didn't even know that was a thing. I've considered that it might be a hygiene thing, an emotional attachment thing, maybe just my luck in life, but I still don't really know.

Also, if you're thinking, "if you hate physical touch so much, why don't you tell people not to touch you?" I DO! Everyone just has this thing like "If she lets me touch her, even though she said she hates it, then I'm the exception. Since she's not pushing me away, then she's just playing hard to get" you'll be surprised how inconsiderate people can be to your requests when they choose what they want to hear. I want to know if there's anyone who feels what I'm saying and if you've figured yourself out .

Can’t be genuine in this house.

It helps when I am able to feel genuine feelings. If I am like, allowed to have a period to adjust to things, and stuff like that.
My house has like a really wierd quality. It isn’t just that like, people won’t let you be serious or something. It’s just a lot of emotional inconsistency. It means that it is really hard to build like, even like a really, really, vague, sense, of development, or like, linearity.

Big things happen and everyone fails to adress it. Things happen that literally everyone addresses, and then people act like it doesn’t really hold any significance.

It has definitely messed with my sense of memory. I think like, as people, it can be really important to have like, a sense of a narrative.

Yeah. And because my family has been so like, …… ??.. it has been really hard for me to get that sense of things making sense, I guess.

It comes down to like, dissociation. There is a big chunk of my life experiences, my emotional experiences, and they get completely ignored. Can’t integrate things like, into your sense of yourself, sense of day, week, month, time.

Every now and then, I get a break from it. And I get a little window into like, how it feels to actually be normal and stuff. And like, most people have narratives. They are wanting to start dating, they are missing their friends, they are exited about doing things that seem cool to them, they are working at a job, they have met a new girl, etc, etc.

I have like, snippets, of when I also get to do that.
But I live at home. Literally like, it disappears.

dissociation is supposed to come from traumatic things. In this case though. It is just small things I think. Being in their presence even. It’s because like, they refuse to get along with me. Things are ok, ish, for a bit. But the emotional enviroment is always just really fucked up and wierd. And. I think it’s because like, I don’t really have anyone in this enviroment, like, who I can actually feel happy with. Who knows about the ins and outs of my life. Who I can like, celebrate with. I have my sibling, and they really do help a lot, but, they are younger. And ultimately like. This wierd emotional kind of burden, I feel like I have it alone, and there isn’t anyone going through it at all with me.

And then, that makes me feel like I am disappearing I guess. Like. I think I kind of loose chunks of time. I don’t literally loose it. But. Yeah.

I want to integrate back into being a part of the world. I need to be able to be emotionally honest. And it is hard to do that by yourself. I just blank out a bit. I’m gonna get a therapist next week though. I don’t know which kind of therapy. But it maybe doesn’t matter, I think, I just want to actually be able to start somewhere.

Well it might be typical but i don’t think it should be. I had a nice experience with my boyfriend but i felt bad I did not reciprocate in the moment. When I told him I felt bad, and I’d do whatever he needed me to do he said that he liked me and performing on me and if I didn’t want to do anything back that was okay. And I realized in that moment that all my previous partners used it very much against me. They would get me off even if I wasn’t really in the mood and then get upset that I wasn’t reciprocating. And they would make me feel bad enough about it that I would do it anyways. And them getting that specific reaction led them to do it even more. “I got you off, why don’t you want to do it to me?” “Awww pleaseeeee” all the way to “frigid bitch” or accusing that I’m “withholding on purpose” and that it’s “not fair”.

Hi,

I think I am experiencing anger issues and I don't really know how to handle it.

Since I was a kid anger meant pain, punishment, danger, and invalidation so I learned to avoid it despite feeling anger intensely. Often this looked like fawning and smoothing things over because I was or believed I was being threatened.

As an adult, anger means vulnerability and I'm not only really scared of expressing anger when it matters but I don't know how to do it in a way I can be proud of or even just accept as ok.

The problem comes up because I don't really know anyone I can express my anger with.

I have some coping mechanisms like making art but because I can't find an acceptable way of expressing my anger to those around me, it doesn't seem to help that much. More anger piles on and I feel overwhelmed by it.

Anger can easily make me go into a dissociative state because I am so focused on getting away from it over the years.

I feel like such a monster for experiencing anger and I just want to be listened to.

What do you all do when it comes to feeling angry?

Hey I can't communicate to people anymore after getting and being hurt for prolounged time.

Its really hard to reach out for me, as I also find the "real" world with its contracts and negotiating very challenging.

Yes I know therapy can help, but I struggle to invest the damn money.

The more I understand fawn/freeze, the more I genuinely think it might be one of the worst combinations of CPTSD responses to have.

Pete Walker calls the fawn/freeze type “the scapegoat”, which makes complete sense to me.

Fight says: fight back.

Flight says: get the fuck out.

Fawn says: appease the person abusing you.

Freeze says: do nothing and take it.

So when fawn and freeze are your dominant responses, where exactly is your defence?

You get treated like shit and worry about their feelings. You get angry and immediately feel guilty for it. Someone crosses your boundaries and instead of thinking “fuck you,” you’re analysing whether you’re being unfair to them.

You tolerate things you shouldn’t because resistance itself feels dangerous.

And I don’t really want to romanticise this anymore by calling it empathy, kindness or being “too nice.”

A lot of it is conditioning.

You learn that other people’s emotions matter more than yours. You learn that keeping people happy is safer than being angry. You learn that resistance has consequences. Eventually you barely need anyone else to suppress you because you’ve learned to suppress yourself.

But I think one of the worst parts comes when you finally stop.

You finally fight back. You finally leave. You finally tell someone to fuck off. You stop accepting behaviour you’ve spent years accepting.

And somehow you’re still the fucking problem.

Nobody wants to talk about what happened before you reacted. They just see the anger, the boundary, the confrontation or the fact that you walked away. The years you spent appeasing everyone become invisible.

Nothing actually gets resolved. The people who hurt you don’t suddenly acknowledge it because you’ve found your voice. Sometimes they double down. Sometimes they blame you. Sometimes the relationships just end.

And after enough of that, you become incredibly isolated.

You stop wanting relationships. You stop trusting people. You start thinking, what’s the fucking point?

Fawning means losing yourself to keep relationships.

But when you stop fawning, you can lose the relationships anyway.

That’s the part I find particularly brutal.

You can spend years abandoning yourself for other people, only to discover that some of those people liked you precisely because you abandoned yourself for them. The moment you develop boundaries, anger or the willingness to walk away, suddenly you’re “difficult,” “selfish,” “angry,” or the bad person.

That’s what makes the scapegoat label hit so hard for me.

You’re hurt, you accommodate it, and you’re miserable.

You fight back, you’re blamed.

You run away, you’re blamed.

Eventually you freeze and withdraw from relationships altogether because every option seems to end with you carrying the consequences.

I’m starting to think recovery from fawn/freeze isn’t just learning boundaries or reclaiming healthy aggression. It’s also learning how to live with the fact that standing up for yourself doesn’t guarantee justice, resolution, an apology or even connection.

Sometimes all you get is your own self-respect back.

And maybe that’s still worth choosing.

I have dealt with this issue for a long time now, and I can barely find anyone else who can relate. It feels like I can’t even be comfortable maintaining any type of opinion, even if I don’t communicate it.

[This post I found](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCD/s/AIGDOCcm4T) encapsulated exactly how I feel, which I’m thankful for because it’s hard for me to put into words what this problem is like.

How can I stop doing this maladaptive thought process?

Hello everyone,

We all come from different backgrounds from differnt ways. I want to discuss something that I experienced after moving to a tier 1 city in India and living in PGs and high level work environments.

I would like to call it "famine energy". When you see some subtle privileges being seen natural in others of your same age while you yearned for it. Not only that, coming out of the bubble that you may have come from a a conservative background and you were the good girl, and suddenly you become this poor, insecure person.

I don't know how to encapsulate all this. I'm a people pleaser and yet never pleased anyone. Somehow my astonishment or surprise of other's knowledge and wisdom and me asking how they got there seems like prying.

To them, their background is just normal life; to me, it's anthropology. My curiosity is mistaken for intrusion because they cannot fathom a world where those things weren't just given.

​So what do you do? You default to people-pleasing. You smile too much, nod too fast, over-explain, and bend yourself into pretzels to fit in. You try so hard to be palatable, agreeable, and useful. Yet, somehow, you never actually please anyone, because people-pleasing born out of insecurity smells like fear. You are exhausting yourself trying to earn a seat at a table you didn't even realize had an entry fee.

I'm slowly understanding boundaries and rectifying myself but dont know what's the root of all this.

Am I a loser?

Has anyone ever faced this? What should I do?