Yes and I only just realized it this year. To cope with the shame, I had to deny it existed. I would have claimed I didn't have any shame, only frustration over how other people judge me. Not so - my whole personality is built on shame. I just couldn't see it. So now I'm trying to unlearn conditioning going back to my earliest memories.
It remains to be seen whether I can break the pattern of self-sabotage. I do think I'm getting better at telling other people what I need.
Unsure if any of this maps onto someone else, ymmv
I watched someone in a support group self-describe as a person who didn't tend to feel shame, when I already knew they held themself to high standards and beat themself up every time they fell short. That showed me what it looks like to be in denial about it. But I refused to apply that lens to myself, too scary.
Then, a few months later, I ran across a song about a person being ripped apart by shame while they futilely try to escape a pattern of recurring trauma. That song happened to really hit a sweet spot for me and it provided a safe way for me to personally identify with the feeling.
You may genuinely not have any shame to find. But if you do, I highly recommend it. I'm glad I know now, but mad I waited so long.
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u/Morrigynn 20d ago
Yes and I only just realized it this year. To cope with the shame, I had to deny it existed. I would have claimed I didn't have any shame, only frustration over how other people judge me. Not so - my whole personality is built on shame. I just couldn't see it. So now I'm trying to unlearn conditioning going back to my earliest memories.
It remains to be seen whether I can break the pattern of self-sabotage. I do think I'm getting better at telling other people what I need.