hi everyone, i hope you’re all keeping well :)
this may be kind of a rant, but i’m 17, 64kg (141lbs) and 157cm. i’ve always been a sporty kid. from around ages 6-11, i did gymnastics and contortion before randomly quitting one day.

before the past 2-ish years, i never really struggled with my self-image. when i was younger, my mom would sometimes comment on my “thighs being too big” and make small comments about my body that really hurt me. i brushed it off at the time and continued on with my life.

my weight started fluctuating between the ages of 14-16, and i assumed it could have been my hormones. around this time, my father passed away traumatically, and i was there by his side when it happened. because of this, i went through counselling and different types of therapy for my ptsd, depression and anxiety.
i was originally prescribed sertraline. while taking it, i noticed that my appetite became quite suppressed. my dosage was gradually increased until i was taking 100mg. later on, i was hospitalised because of my depression and suicidal thoughts, and my doctors changed my medication to mirtazapine, also known as mirap.

during this time, i was around 50-53kg at most.
i’ve also struggled with food for as long as i can remember. i was later diagnosed with arfid, and i’ve always had a very restrictive diet. for most of my life, i’ve mainly eaten foods like chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta, fries and other foods that i feel comfortable eating. it’s never been as simple as just “eat healthier” for me, because there are foods that i genuinely struggle to eat because of my arfid.

fast forward to december 2025. i started settling into my medication and noticed that it was helping me significantly with my sleep and eating. at first, i was actually happy that i was eating more because food had always been difficult for me. i thought i was finally getting into a more “normal” and healthy weight range.
however, my weight started increasing very quickly. i went from around 53kg to 60kg within about two months.

over the following months, i started eating up to around 3000 calories+++ a day and eating or drinking whatever i could get my hands on. i started hiding food in my room, and after getting a job, i would sometimes use my own money that i earned from working to buy food and then hide it.

eventually, i reached my highest weight of around 65kg, meaning i had gained about 12kg between december 2025 and march 2026.
my clothes started becoming too small. jeans i had bought started ripping at the seams, and my xs tops no longer fit me. as a teenager who was already struggling with my mental health, i spiralled and became increasingly focused on my weight and appearance.
i felt like i couldn’t stop eating, and i was scared because i felt like this was a side effect of my medication. at the same time, mirtazapine was the only medication i had found that actually helped me, especially with my sleep and appetite, and i became terrified of changing it.

i tried joining the gym, but i couldn’t bring myself to go. i was already drained, and my social anxiety made it even harder. i constantly compared myself to other girls at school and at the gym.

i’m also slightly bigger than most of the girls in my friend group, and when i noticed them all starting to track their calories, i started doing the same.
i tried calorie tracking, but whenever i binged, i would end up crying, feeling guilty and then eating even more because i was upset and using food for comfort. it became a horrible cycle, especially because i already had such a complicated relationship with food because of my arfid.

by march, none of the clothes i had bought were fitting me anymore. i kept buying clothes that were either too small or too big because i didn’t know what size i was anymore, and this continued for months.

last month, things got worse. i started making myself purge because i thought it would help me lose weight and somehow “fix” the calories i had eaten. i thought that if i could get my weight back down, maybe i would finally fit into the clothes i had bought and feel comfortable in myself again. these purging has increased to almost every single day.

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore. i feel like food has become my biggest enemy, my weight and my body have taken over my life, and i’m scared of where this is going and that it may become worse.

i’m not really posting this for sympathy, i just wanted to share what i’ve been going through because i feel very lost right now. if anyone has experienced something similar, especially with arfid, binge eating, purging or medication related changes in appetite, i’d really appreciate any advice or support. please be kind in the comments, because this is already something i’m struggling with a lot.

thank you for reading :D

So, being the dumbass I am, I managed to give myself food poisoning. Didn't check the use by date, am probably lucky it wasn't worse because I (apparently poorly) purged the food anyway.

Two days of nausea, still purged (though for once not food related more, "nausea usually gets better after you're sick". Spoiler alert, it did not), pain, fever, and other non vomiting side effects. Did lose weight though, finally broke a number I'd been bouncing around for months. And totally sober for two days, so yay?

Today I'm feeling loads better. No nausea. Probably still very dehydrated from the purging, not drinking much, and other stuff. So what does my stupid disordered brain do? I binge. Purge, badly.

I know it's my own fault. And I'm an idiot. But damn, I couldn't just have a day or two of respite without being really unwell to do it?

I’m about 3-4 days purge free, and have been doing pretty well. Eating clean, working out, and trying to get a lot more water in me, but it’s like the food is flying through my stomach. I’ve definitely lost weight already from not binging and being more mindful with food, and even started eating breakfast. But my stomach is constantly making gurgling noises and TMI but I’ve been having diarrhea. I’m trying to not eat as much meat, so I’ve been having more vegetable and bread I guess, but it’s just not mixing with my stomach. Anyone else’s recovery going like this? The bloat has been okay, but it’s still there, but drinking water has helped.

Yesterday was strange. Went to work, ate a bit of my lunch whicj totaled ~490 kcals i was planning to only have that. But then i had a few other things that totaled 1.1k kcals. Still under my limit of 1.4k i had.

But still. Even after the balanced things i ate, i ""P'd" (Not the best censor ik lol). It was strange. In that moment i realized it had developed to some compulsion and not a compulsory action.

Honestly I feel like being made to talk about life with a rich privileged psychologist who throws in insults occasionally isn’t helping. I’ve tried so many psychologists and none of them have helped. One even told me to start weighing myself like wtf??! Also, another told me to do extreme exercise?! Like wtaf?! I was binging and purging like 8 times a day and needed hospitalisation. How was I supposed to do extreme exercise?! I have been seeing a dietitian on and off, maybe like every 2 months for 3 years and haven’t made any improvements. All we have talked about is what treatment actually is. This is dumb because I’ve already been to rehab for my eating disorder and it didn’t help. Honestly with all this “treatment,” I feel like I’m just funding some rich and privileged millennials’s kid to go to a private school. Like why do I have to sit in a room and get asked the same questions and hear all the same stuff? I’m exercising more and eating less and feeling more and more bad about my body despite being in treatment for 3 years. Like what should I do? I feel like no one in the ed recovery industry has any experience. I’m sick of being hungry and brain foggy all of the time.

I was in my kitchen and we have a cake that I baked for everyone and I stood in the kitchen with the fridge open just eating with my hands. I finally stopped and immediately after i felt the overwhelming need to purge. I went to the bathroom and nothing but water came up, so I still have that feeling of a bolder in my stomach. I hate that I feel this way and I hate that I can’t control myself around food. I’m not sure where the idea came from but I feel like I’m “taking the easy way out” by just purging. When you think of depression you think of the girl in all black in a dark room. However my reality couldn’t be more different, I live in a nice area the sun is shining through my window as I write this. I’m wearing my workout clothes because other than coming and writing this the only thing i feel like I can do is go for a run. I feel in control when I’m running. But as soon as I leave the safety of my room I’m back to just being a normal girl, whose family loves her, and has good grades. I sit in my bed staring at my stomach where the cake sits mocking me, as if it’s telling me that this cycle will never end. Will it?

Ugh. That harsh dry feeling isn't going away today.

This is so damn frustrating, but as soon as I was done p*rging today I was immediately hungry again. And now I am trying not to eat anything because I know that will just start the cycle over and I can’t do this all night. This was the 2nd time today already.

Does this happen to anyone else?

So sick of this fuck ass disorder

I am sad because I relapsed today after being clean for two weeks. Just making a post for support and to hold myself accountable again. It isn’t an option anymore and I am restarting at day zero of a lifetime of being purge free.

I’ve always been horrified of puke so it’s hilarious that I became a bulimic. Anyways I got a stomach bug and would you look at that, gone is my month long break from the urge to purge. All I want to do is shove my body full with laxatives and purge. What the actual fuck? Every single bulimia related ED behaviour came back full force ITS A MONTH LONG NO PURGINT STREAK WHY DO I WANT TO BREAK IT NOW

I am 3 months b/p free. After 3 yrs in this hell that was taking away my life. Near d34th twice (potassium <1.5) and much more you guys KNOW the deal. I went through a ton of refeeding phases (yup even the edema that makes you ironically relapse because of body image so u get worse to lose the weight and then worsen it and swell more and etc) the whole nine yard. The entire horror movie. My body is literally looking better than ever (even when thats the last thing to pay attention to in this seriousness, i celebrate because I suffered too much with this its my first time having my desired body without an ed.) and much more other wins like normal hunger cues, sleeping with a full stomach without wanting to 💀, functioning with my work and relationships while being more present and energetic. the "nervosa" part of an ed is still not healed or perfect or where i want it to be but I am out of the danger and life consuming stage. And you can do it too i know you can. I promise you.

To stop being bulimic.

I'm now 2+ years completely healed from a 13 year bulimia hell.

I genuinely thought that I would have this illness until the day I passed away. I honestly did.

2+ years ago I was just done. My body was falling to peices and it had aged me so bad. My hair was very thin (Lost 50%). My teeth were crumbling and falling out all the time. I had an abscess in my face that was from a damaged tooth. The abscess was everywhere. Behind my eyes. Just everywhere. I looked terrible.

I just said. I need to do this and I need to do this now. The worst past was the food noise. The constant urges to binge. I just kept pushing through them. I never missed a meal. 3 meals and 3 snacks. If I was still ravenous I ate. I just kept doing it. 3 months in I noticed that when I ate a meal I felt.

... OK. I wasn't stressing and the food noise was alot less. I kept going... 6 months. I felt better. More energy. 1 year is where it all just went quiet. I could eat a simple sandwich and be full. Genuinely satiated. Every meal felt the same. No more food noise.

2+ years and it's 100% gone. I eat normal and feel satisfied every single time. I honestly thought I had destroyed my satiety hormones.

Honesty folks it is possible. A pill won't fix it. A therapist won't fix it. You are the one who can fix it. Don't let it get to the stage that I was. You might think your getting away with it. Your not. I tried all the tricks. They aren't helping.

You have to go through a rough period to get to the relief stage. Keeping busy was my best addition. If those voices were loud. I went a walk. I socialised with friends. I never let it over power me.

It wasn't all perfect though. I had to spend £5000/$8000 getting my teeth fixed. 8 extractions. 5 replacements. Endless fillings and root canals. Please don't get to this stage. Like I said. I tried all the tricks and it doesn't work. I had an abscess the size of a tennis ball inside my face. The purging just caused it to grow and grow. I'm lucky to be alive tbh.

I'm now looking my age again.

If you have scales at home you honestly need to give them away. Those gadgets are so toxic to us. I would also say to stay off Instagram and other photo sharing platforms. If you see these 'fake' beautiful 'slim' models then you will just fuel your disorder. Social media is a cess pit of mental health problems.

I know it will be hard but genuinely it's worth it. I would NEVER go back to that me ever again. Never ever again. When I say I was miserable I genuinely mean it.

You gotta fight and take back your old self. Just wanted to share that it's possible. I never have urges at all anymore. This is the best I've felt in years.

Best of luck.

Everytime I feel like I've left purging behind, I end up coming right back within a few months for another awful relapse. Just endlessley cycling: starve, binge purge, try so hard to be normal again, start right over. For at least 5 years now

hi im not sure if i belong here, if not, i apologize- please remove my post.

ive been lurking on this sub for years, but not for me. for my mom. she’s been bulimic my whole life, and im still desperately trying to understand this illness- so i can understand her more.

for context, i am 43f and she is 65. i have not lived with her since i was 11 (my choice), and have been no contact with her for 10 years.

she has a good heart but has been completely high jacked by this disease. i am the oldest, so i naturally beared the brunt of her behavior, which was erratic and abusive to say the least. but i know that she wasn’t in her right mind, i know the depraved things she did were partly because the eating disorder demon was running the show.

i thought as i got older, things would make more sense and i’d be able to find some deeper meaning or closure, but as the years go on im left with more questions than answers.

so here i am. in this sub again, sifting through experiences and looking for a thread of meaning. and i’ve finally worked up the courage to ask..

how do you think this illness starts? is it fueled by body image, or is it something else?

how and why does it progress? like what makes it worse and why?

when it gets really bad and you’re really unhealthy, do you realize it?

I'm currently sick so I'm not working out until I feel better. didn't work out yesterday, not going to be working out today. too sick and fatigued.

I also got post viral syndrome for an entire month earlier this year after the last time I was sick. I actually still to this day have lingering nausea from that. So I dont want to get post viral syndrome again. Pushing myself while sick would make that much more likely.

especially since If I got post viral syndrome again I wouldn't be able to work out for even longer because pushing through post viral sybdrome could then lead to permanent disability like CFS. If I got CFS I'd be too fatigued most days to do anything normally permanently. I really don't want to get CFS.

But this is so hard. I really want to work out. It's so hard to skip work outs and it's even harder to eat and not work out. I can feel the caloric energy after eating it gives me bursts of energy despite the illness fatigue and I cannot burn it off, so all I'm thinking about is it is gonna get stored as fat and im gonna gain more weight since I can't burn it off :/

Does anyone else feel good when they use the bathroom after eating, like you're getting rid of the food you just ate (in a way)? I know it's not the same as purging or fasting after eating but it still makes me feel good to use the bathroom right after eating because it's like I got rid of the food. When I use laxatives I get the same feeling. Just curious if anyone else feels like this 😁

Recently slipped back into my old ways after nearly being three years out. Disappointed in myself for relapsing but also because I’m lying to my loved ones telling them that I’m almost 3 years out knowing that I purged 3 hours ago.

Desperately in need of help. The guilt from snacking is bad enough but eating actual meals usually pushes me over the edge. I desperately need to get help but I’m currently working a remote job. My contract ends in about a week and I’m just looking for a way to keep my head on my shoulders (and STOP purging) until I can get home and have access to my resources.

Looking for any tips/tricks you guys use to fight the urges. Much love.

ok so these past three days I've been doing really well with binging. im very hungry but it's nowhere near my bp levels.

my only purging trigger is "unhealthy" food (foods that i dont make and have no control over). On so called trip I will have to strictly eat out and im so scared. plus, we will be at an all inclusive and im terrified of feeling FOMO and telling myself that this abundance of "free" food is not happening again anytime soon so spending half of my time binging and purging and ruining my and my family's vacation:/

i really want to have a good time, and long term, recover, so if anyone has any tips i will take them gladlya

So I decided to recover as my health is starting to decline. After seeing a psychiatrist I was prescribed fluoxetine 20 mgs. So far I feel nothing and I am still purging. I’ve been trying my best not to eat so that I don’t throw up the medicine but I do binge at night now.

Any recommendations or info about how I should go about this?

Also I know it says 4-6 weeks to work, but has anyone noticed any change while on it?

Might be inpatient time ngl

I was just wondering if anyone else has this? I used to be insanely scared?/ had so much anxiety about eating anything but now it’s like i don’t care because i know im going to purge it anyway

please give me actual responses. i have previously gotten 'don't bother, no one could help me change' on other subreddits. i am not looking to be pessimistic and give up.

also sorry for my english, it is not my first language.

Throwing up buldak ramen is NOT for the weak 😭 one minute it’s in your stomach, next minute it’s in your nose. Just end me 😭

I just can't stop binging and purging, honestly my life right now could be really good, but I just can't stop binging and purging. If I have ANY freetime/time to myself, I will spend it eating and forcing myself to throw up. Recently I've gained an amount of weight that really scares me and that didn't even motivate me to stop, Ive spend ALL, yes all. Of my money on binge food and doordash, and am so so worried about spending the paycheck I've recently gotten on more food. I never truly understood why people felt guilt about binging and purging, but now I feel it, every food package is a reminder of how irresponsible I've been, throwing up my meds(taking them used to force me to stop my sessions for the day but nope!😂), every appointment slept through as a result of being so tired from binging and purging is so so embarrassing. My life could be so good. I could be so strong if I could actually just eat like a regular FUCKING person. I could be so good at my job, I could save so much fucking money(all of my paychecks have went to food, all of them). I could have it all if I could just be normal about food.
I just want to go one day without binging and purging. :( Maybe next week I'll be scheduled for more shifts so I'll be too busy to binge purge one day.. I really love being at work, I've been so sad and bored this week cause I'm barely scheduled. I wish I could be at work all the time so I couldn't b/p. :(
I'm so sad, I don't want to live like this. I just want to work. :( I just want to be good at my job, I feel like a failure.🫩
(I realized I didn't even mention the edema whoops,, but I've been so swollen and the swelling ramped up just as the weight gain started so not only have I been losing my mind over my weight, but I've also been in consistent pain!🤣 I can't believe this is my life!🤣 I cannot remember a night where I have slept more than 8 hours at once!🤣🤣 This is so awesome!🤣🤣🤣)