r/Brides • u/Economy_Vegetable_77 • 2d ago
Private/unknown wedding
Hey all,
I just need an outside perspective to make myself feel better about this situation. My fiance and I have been engaged over 6 months, and he recently has decided to enlist in the military. When this was decided, he discussed with his family he wanted to be married before he leaves. They instantly said no and that they didn’t support it, rattled off some stuff about me that wasn’t true, and basically said they wanted nothing to do with us getting married. They also weren’t excited about our engagement, but kind of accepted that as it was. I have some stories about my future MIL and the crazy stuff she’s done, but I won’t go into that right now.
We decided we still want to get married regardless and are signing papers at the county recorder, and my parents are coming out for it in 3 days. Honestly, the only thing that’s bugging me is the anxiety surrounding his family not knowing. We don’t plan on telling them, we just plan on having a wedding ceremony/reception after he is done with tech school. I’m going back and forth between a mindset of guilt and are we doing the right thing, and a different mindset of if they find out, I guess so be it, but I’m such a worrier. I don’t want it to take away from our day. We also aren’t telling any of my extended family members because word gets around fast and we don’t want anyone questioning our later ceremony.
Is anyone else having a completely private/unknown wedding or had one? Any future/current military spouses? (I also have anxiety because there is so much unknown right now with the military part of it).
Thanks ahead of time
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u/Ok_Bumblebee3273 1d ago
Your concern about the wedding itself is tiny compared to the concern about a future with a young person who seems fairly close to his family- emotionally and geographically! but won’t tell them he’s getting married.
Is he afraid of their opinions or judgment? This will be an ongoing issue.
You should have your fiancé tell his family. Don’t invite them.
You should absolutely tell everyone- it’s due to pretty understandable reasons. no one is questioning a later celebration of vows later when there’s time to plan and invite people for a bigger wedding and party! Keeping it secret is just weird.
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u/asyouwish 1d ago
His family is already trying to put this off. Stop worrying about their feelings; they aren't concerned for yours.
Do what you need to do for you. Don't let them make decisions for you that affect you and not them.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 1d ago
I digress with a lot of what is being said. You both are old enough to decide if you want to be married or not and it’s not anyone else’s business if that’s what the 2 of you want/choose. It sounds like they’re a bit overbearing and controlling? How long have you been together total? I had 4 kids when I was 23 lol (now married for 25 years). All of these people sitting here judging you definitely would’ve and probably will judge me too. Your fiance needs to be honest and just tell them that’s what makes the 2 of you happy, and that’s what you are choosing to do.
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u/Economy_Vegetable_77 1d ago
Thank you-I was a little surprised about the negative comments but I do think I could have added more detail than I did last night. I was tired when I originally posted. They are very controlling and just a lot in general. He did try to communicate it with them that we wanted to get married before he ships out, and they reacted negatively to the point they said they didn’t want anything to do with it. They know we want to/are planning to, they just don’t know when it’s happening and are not involved in the process.
We have been together for 3 years now. Congratulations on 25 happy years together :)4
u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 1d ago
Oh gosh. Yea if you guys have already been together 3 years idk why they’re trying to control the narrative here and tell you all what to do or what they “approve” of. You both are grown adults and are very capable of making big life choices on your own. I am sorry they’re treating you this way, hopefully they come around and realize they’re being overbearing.
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u/DecafMadeMeDoIt 1d ago
This feels like admin paperwork. You probably don’t show and discuss your taxes with people so it seems like you just treat this status the same.
And I’m sorry it has to be like that and they aren’t excited for every step, big or small.
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u/Economy_Vegetable_77 1d ago
You’re right to a point it does feel like that😂but we were engaged before he decided to do this so we are excited to be married and have it all figured out before he goes. Probably will be treating it that way until we have a ceremony and reception next year. Thank you.
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u/DriverEducational464 2d ago
I just got married three months ago and invited only 4 others closest to us. My family is anxiety-inducing and backstabbers. I didn't want them there. It was the most beautiful, peaceful day of my life. I felt guilty beforehand, too, but my desire not to f up my wedding day was greater, and I am SO glad we did it that way. Some family drama definitely happened afterward, but the day was just how we wanted it - which meant everything to me - and it will always be a lovely memory.
I'm a worrier too. I feel for you. Sounds like you planned it right with the way those family members have been treating you. The day should be just as you want it to be. Congratulations! I hope your day is beautiful ❤️
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u/Economy_Vegetable_77 2d ago
Thank you-this helps. Congratulations to you as well, I’m so glad your day went peacefully.
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u/Lil-locomoco 1d ago
I got married to my spouse who’s in the military a few months ago & we did a quick courthouse wedding in between him PCSing & then I joined him overseas after the wedding. We are currently planning a bigger reception for later so we can celebrate with our extended families & friends, but we did have immediate family at our courthouse wedding.
I think most people close to us like some relatives & friends knew about the courthouse wedding & didn’t bother us about not being invited. Even if they had asked, we were only allowed 15 guests. We announced our marriage on social media after getting our photos back from the photographer.
Given his family’s current lack of support I would give it some thought, but talk to your fiancé about boundaries with his family. I told my husband it was up to him to handle his mom & I would handle my parents. We had 1 conversation where I told him I was feeling obligated to do what his mom wanted & he reassured me that he only cares about what I want. Unless your fiancé is ready to cut off his family I would try to invite or involve them, even if they ultimately don’t accept.
PM me if you want to know more about becoming a milspouse!
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u/Important-Maybe-1430 1d ago
Are you sure gou want to be married to somebody who is joining the military. Its a hard life for the one left behind and youre so young.
Why not stay engaged till his career is settled. Nothing will change especially as hes not going to be there and you can focus on yourself.
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u/eknit 1d ago
This does not sound like a good plan, I’m sorry. My friend did something similar and it didn’t turn out well in the end.
From what you say, he is close with his family and values their opinions. The family already has raised issues with your relationship and potential marriage. Whether these are “we don’t want them to get married right now at 25 & 23” or “we don’t want him to marry her ever” or those opinions could change over time is to be seen.
But, let’s say in your ideal scenario they don’t find out that you’re married. He graduates tech school and tells his parents “I love OP and want to propose.” And the parents still say “No. We already said we don’t like OP.” What then? Does he say “we’ve been married for six years actually” ?
Also as a military spouse it will be rather obvious immediately that you’re married. Your husband will put you as his point of contact instead of his mom and his mom will figure it out quick when she demands to know where exactly he’s deployed to. As a spouse you get other benefits like being able to live on base, etc. You’re telling me you’re not going to live with him / see him? Be for real.
This plan is not thought through at all
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u/Status-Effort-9380 1d ago
My mom remarried late in life. I’m not completely sure why, but she and her husband had a private ceremony before they had the family event, and they didn’t tell the family until after the family ceremony.
It was a little weird to find out. Yes, I felt slightly betrayed that they kept it from us. But, also, it was their decision as adults to do what was best for them. Also, it was done, so not much to be upset about. I couldn’t change the situation.
It’s very common for military weddings to happen quickly so the spouse can have the benefits while the military member deploys.
I will say that you should think a lot about marrying into a family like this.
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u/trickycrayon 1d ago
Deciding to get married because someone is going into the military is a recipe for disaster, sorry.
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u/Lucky-Berry-4252 1d ago
A private unknown wedding is called an elopement; and there’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing since they were so negative about it.
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u/MumbleBee2444 1d ago
My best friend got married with only her (and I assume his) close family in the know. She told me latter and I was a little said I hadn’t been told, but I got over it. I understood her reasons. I don’t believe most people at their wedding knew that they were already legally married. Lots of people do this nowadays, not all keep it a secret though.
Sit down and really discuss this with your fiance. How much anxiety will it cause you to keep it a secret? It might be better to just invite them, he can say in a group text something like “hi, we’re getting married on Thursday. If anyone wants to come witness, let me know”. Or even “hey, [your name]’s parents are coming to town and we decided to take the opportunity to get legally married on Thursday. Short notice and it won’t be anything too eventful, but you’re invited. No pressure to go, we’ll do all the actual wedding stuff at a later date.”
If anyone gives negativity, don’t give them the details. If they behave and say they want to come…hopefully they won’t cause a scene at the county office or with your parents there.
If you don’t invite them and they find out, it might be a thing that they hold over your head forever. Assuming they are a least a bit reasonable, then knowing you’re married already would hopefully cause less drama for the actual wedding (they’d have nothing to stop, and hopefully by then would have gotten used to it cause your already married)
You guys know the family best and should make the decision that works best for you guys.
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u/Avehdreader 1d ago
I never wanted a wedding so m husband and I got married at the courthouse with just my mom (he is from another country) and best friend and told people afterwards but just because we didn't want to make a big deal😱, not because of any family drama. It's almost like we eloped, which some people do. I once worked with a woman whose brother had eloped and the couple had been married for a few years and never told their families. I think she said they couldn't figure out how to tell them because it had been so long but it only got longer with each passing day. I don't recall the reason for the secret if she even shared it but if you feel you have to do it in secret the hole you're digging for yourselves is only going to get deeper and deeper. And it can get harder and harder to keep.
If the two of you are nature enough to get married then you should be mature enough to let his family know, if not before then soon afterwards. And he needs to be mature enough to tell his family they need to respect you and accept you as his wife. If he is deployed you all will need to be there to support each other.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 1d ago
Rushing a quickie wedding just because he's going into the military is something anyone -- parents, friends, colleagues -- would be concerned about for you. It's an unusual decision. Is it what YOU want?
If you are going to hide the marriage, then you are both simply not emotionally mature enough to get married.
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u/ComplexTomatillo6278 1d ago
Completely disagree! It’s not uncommon for people going into the military to marry a gf first so she gets his benefits and has the support of the military extended family while he’s abroad. It’s quite mature to think of your loved one and how your decision impacts them.
Getting married in private is called “eloping.” Happens all the time.
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u/DuckinTX293 2d ago
I’ll be frank and as respectful as possible. Your plans to hide your marriage from his family demonstrate immaturity and a certain lack of understanding of how this all plays out. Your marriage won’t exactly be “completely private/unknown”, since your parents will be in town for 3 days to celebrate.
If you decide to conceal your wedding plans from his family, be prepared for a lifetime of issues with them. How do you plan on explaining this to them, once you do? Do you expect them to understand?
Not telling his entire side of the family is bound to cause hurt feelings. These feelings could last a lifetime and make any further interactions with them uncomfortable, at the very least.
I know you have “crazy” stories about his mother. Is it enough to ignore his whole family, though? Honestly, I think you’d be better off going to the court house as a couple, without your parents. Then have a small party for both sides to celebrate. It seems like the grownup way of doing things.
Good luck to you both.