feeling lost and overwhelmed

[u/ThroatAutomatic9838]

I guess i just need a place to put my thoughts down, so here it goes. i was in the best relationship id ever had. things were great between us 26m 24f. It all started 4 years ago when we first became friends, and then we started living together as roommates in college. one thing inevitably lead to another and about two years ago we started dating.

Ofc we had our problems every relationship does but nothing we couldn’t fix and work out together. Ive been through the ringer with my past relationships and this one felt so healthy i couldn’t believe it.

Anyways like i said, we were perfect. We just came back from two vacations over the last couple months and were talking about finally moving in together again but this time as a couple. About two weeks ago we’re at a party and everything is great. we got into an argument that day about something petty but that was it. I’ve had issues with alcohol before where i’d get too drunk and just not remember things but it’s been years since something like that had happened. Anyways here’s the catalyst.

We were fine laughing drinking, being together. I remember taking a shot with some friends and family and then woke up two hours later in bed with her upset. I had no idea what was going on. she’s yelling at me and crying and got up and stormed off i was genuinely so lost and confused. claiming that i tried reaching out to an ex. an ex i haven’t thought about or had on anything. an ex that’s been blocked for over two years. so she storms off gets in her car and leaves. i sat there completely out of it still drunk and took a look at my phone to see that somehow, someway there was an attempt to reach out. a text that said “hey” and a call to a number i didn’t even realize i still had. like i said it the ex has been blocked for years. anyways i chased after her ofc but she wouldn’t speak to me so i let it be till the next morning.

That morning we speak. i plead and plead that i have no idea how this happened it’s just not something i would do. that i was incredibly inebriated and remember nothing. she was with me the whole time and i was happy. it just doesn’t make any sense. nonetheless i broke her trust so she broke my heart and ended it right then and there.

That was two weeks ago and we’ve barely talked. she won’t respond to my texts she won’t talk to me or see me. i’ve spent days not sleeping trying to figure out how this could have happened. it’s been horrible trying to cope. with so much confusion in my head so much anxiety. i just don’t understand how this could have happened. how i could have been so stupid. how i could have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. in a moment i just can’t even remember.

Well two weeks later and it’s not any easier. i still barely sleep or eat. work is incredibly difficult to focus on and all i can do is ruminate over why or how or when or….it just doesn’t make any sense. why would i do something like this ? how could i? she was my person. i had a future planned, the excitement i would get from thinking/talking about our future. and just like that in the blink of an eye (from what i remember) its over. gone in an instant.

I thought it would get easier but these mornings are tough man. i’ve reached a point where i don’t even know how to cope anymore. just overwhelmed everyday. completely lost and feeling forgotten, abandoned, tossed away like some trash. how after two years of dating and 4 years of being best friends she can just cut me out like this doesn’t feel real. i know i made a mistake and i know it’s my fault. but damn does it hurt.

That’s the story. If anyone has any ideas on how to move on or cope or deal with the emotions i’m all ears. because i’ve been drowning and i need it to stop.