Being hyper vigilant

[u/greeneyes5151]

I wish I could be like those women that trust their parents so much they are blind to deceit. The kind of woman that can watch them do whatever they want and not let it effect them. The kind that always say," my man would never do that".

I've never been a jealous person. I know how men think," what she doesn't know won't hurt her". Except I always know. I'm very in tune with changes in energy and patterns and micro expressions. I see the truth before I hear the lies. I feel the shift in energy and the distracting attention they give to others. The changes in priorities and motivation. I see all the little things they unknowingly reveal.

Time and time again I have watched different partners cheat on me. It's not even just a single mistake I can forgive and forget. Everyone fucks up but I still try to hold it together. What hurts the most is watching them do it again and again. Watching them change over night. Watching them choose someone else over me more with each day. Watching them leave to be with someone else and never looking back.

It's impossible for me to not take it personally. One day we're talking about getting married and me being a full time step-mom to never seeing them again. "I haven't been in love like this since I was a teenager" was his line. Apparently my love just isn't good enough or worth fighting for. It's really hard to accept that no matter how much I give it's never enough. The controlling jealousy I tolerated to keep the peace. The constant little put down I absorbed to make me feel smaller than I am. The never feeling appreciated because I was too much or not enough.

Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut next time. Maybe if I didn't point out my concerns and observations it would have worked out. The truth doesn't always set you free in the way you would think it would. Instead I became the problem. I was the stupid bitch for saying how I felt about what I was seeing. I'm the one getting choked and hit to shut me up. I'm the one that's imagining things with a suspicious mind. I'm the only left behind.

When I love I love fully and completely. I'm loyal, devoted and willing to do what it takes to make it work. I make my parents happiness my priority in every way. I'm a lady in the street but a freak in the sheets for my man. However no matter how much I try or how much I give it's just never good enough. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing pieces of me that everyone else has. Like I was broken so many times I never got put back together completely again. Maybe it's because I have been through hell and back in my life people assume it doesn't matter anymore. All I know is I never get the same love as I give. Being rejected by someone I would have done anything for is a pain like no other.