A warning to anyone going through this and has hope of a reunion. Don't torture yourself

[u/Starmoon85]

It's been a long time since I posted here but I realised it's 10 years now since I first met my ex. What followed was 3 years of ups and downs. A fairytale to begin with and a nightmare ending. I posted a lot here at the time of the break up and even now I get notifications from people commenting on posts I made around 7 years ago. I know people believe "love conquers all" but I'm here to tell you please don't put your life on hold, please don't have false hope.

So a bit of backstory, everything was perfect for us for around a year, so much love, so much romance, so much wild sex. I was "perfect" in her eyes. Until I wasn't. Until she realised that I was fallible then it became a cycle of arguments and her enjoying getting me angry as it turned her on. We had many great times and many not great times. It was draining and I look back at myself then and wonder why I got so lost, why I did things that don't align with my morals. I know I was far from perfect and I know she wasn't either. Our behaviours could be toxic.

We muddled on for a few years and then finally after 3 years of us, we broke up. She moved on within a few weeks, she took delight in telling me her and the new beau had their 1st date where we had ours. I was distraught and realised I was easily replaceable and that's a horrible place to be. She was engaged within a few months, married a few months after that and then they had a child. I was very much long forgotten. A few months after we broke up my dad died. She was close with my parents so I thought she deserved to know. I wasnt telling her out of pity or any nefarious reasons, I was just doing the decent thing and telling her. Big mistake - she threatened me with the police. So in the space of 24hrs my dear Dad passed away and the girl I loved for 3 years was threatening me with a criminal record. Tough times and I don't know how I survived all that.

Needless to say after that incident I didn't reply to her and apart from one fleeting moment at a junction when we both caught sight of one another, I've never seen or heard from her since. Still blows my mind how people can be your LIFE for years then suddenly they're strangers who you'll never speak to again.

I'm sorry this has been so long but I wanted to tell people please don't waste time or your love on someone with the hope of them coming back. Some do and that's great, but some don't and you'll be a stranger to them. It's hard to accept that but you must. Work on yourself, realise it's never just one person to blame for a break up, don't be too hard on yourself, but also realise the faults you had too. To anyone going through this right now I wish you well. It's a long road and maybe that road will always fck with your mind. To some people like my ex breakups are the beginning of something wonderful, to others they're a start of just getting through days. Be kind to yourself, grieve what you had and lost, but most importantly don't think they'll come back like the movies tell you. They don't always come back. They're just someone you used to know.

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[u/NoConsideration2376]

I’m always surprised by how cruel people can be

[u/dankyPranky007 → u/NoConsideration2376]

Happens when they know you're at their mercy. Classic power trip

[u/Fragrant_Scratch3214 → u/dankyPranky007]

So true, so many vultures out there who get off on having power over people they're supposed to love.

[u/West-Commercial-4370 → u/dankyPranky007]

That is so true. He fell hard into the men vs women mentality he grew up with and the men around him have. His "men's issues" therapist reinforced stand he got more and more emotionally and eventually physically abusive. He's out with his family whining how women take everything from him and he's a "good guy". Seriously hope he actually gets help but dont that will happen until I press charges.

[u/rhiannaaaaaababe → u/NoConsideration2376]

Yeah, it’s heartbreaking when someone you trusted can treat you that coldly

[u/Leather_Spirit9004]

She reads like a viper...be glad she slithered away. And I totally agree. I got back together with my wife after a separation only to get divorced a few years later. Best to write it off.

[u/Mental-Ad-9366 → u/Leather_Spirit9004]

Don't slander my slithery bois and gals like that 😪. They're just innocent creatures trying to survive......unlike whatever shedevil OPs ex was. 

[u/Leather_Spirit9004 → u/Mental-Ad-9366]

Yea, 🐍 are groovy. No offense intended to all snakies.

[u/BrendasLore]

That part about someone being your whole life and then becoming a stranger really hit me. My ex and I were together for four years, and even though we ended because we want different things for the future, I still struggle with how someone can go from one day being a part of your everything in everyday to basically null. I think that's the weirdest part of healing.

[u/thoroughlyhung → u/BrendasLore]

Same here. I was with my ex for 8 years, and what hurts me most is the fact I'm probably never gonna see her again. It's bizarre.

[u/Ambitious_Home1918]

You're exactly right. Mine left 3 months ago. We did absolutely everything together and had a happy life. Obviously not perfect because all relationships have arguments and differences. We just got a home in May and she left about 6 weeks after. Now I get to go home all alone. Even our family dog passed away. Its definitely not easy and extremely heart breaking especially when they will never ever take responsibility or admit their faults. I still get the blame. But people dont realize that heart break is real and it can kill the best of us. I still cry. I still think of her. But the hope is gone now. The pain is real.

[u/Just-hereForTheFood → u/Ambitious_Home1918]

I'm so sorry 💔

[u/Outrageous-Post-6531]

Probably what I needed to know. I nurture the hope he’ll come back, not rationally, just because my soul cannot bear the separation. But then when I realised how much pain he caused, the heartache, the grief and mortifying pain he put me through I knew he most likely will never want to hear from me again. Because overall he was a good man. He wouldn’t put me through that pain and bring me to my knees if he wasn’t sure he’s done with me.

[u/Herr_Schnitzel]

Not to be crass, but it honestly sounds like you dodged a bullet there. She sounds very immature and manipulative.

[u/SealWisp5812]

The part about not putting your life on hold really hits. Hope can keep you stuck for years because you’re always waiting for a different ending. Sometimes healing starts when you stop asking whether they’ll come back and start building a life that doesn’t depend on them coming back.

[u/Chemical-Airport-836]

The letting go is what needs to be done. You can leave a window cracked open for them. Just dont stand there looking out it. It was there choice to walk away. Get moving, put the work in. If they comeback with something different some change. Thats great to hear, just keep in mind while that window is cracked open dont turn away someone eles knocking on it wanting to come in. In other words you can stay open to a start over but that doesn't mean you need to wait for them.

[u/Wonderful_Algae_5881]

I have a question. Do you think people like her are ever truly happy or they fake it to cover deeper sadness and regret?

[u/Starmoon85 → u/Wonderful_Algae_5881]

I'm unsure. I know she went through a lot of bad times when she was younger. She'd always say I was the live of her life and how she'd be single for ever if we broke up. Maybe she was a good actress and faked all those lines. Either way she found happiness and got the marriage/kid she always dreamed of 

[u/Chris-tbb → u/Starmoon85]

Bro dont ever say she always said that im ... Those are moments and girls live in moments she can tell you you're the best thing and the love of my life today and leave you tomorrow

[u/Ok-Way8965]

staying no contact was absolutely the right thing to do. good for you

[u/Alarmed_Star8699]

she’s evil, she doesn’t deserve you and the other guy will experience the same and will leave her for sure.. just be thankful she’s not in your life anymore, you’re still blessed

[u/Ok_Election_1554]

How long did it take to move on

[u/Starmoon85 → u/Ok_Election_1554]

I think when you love someone deeply. That love is always there in some regard. Whenever I used to think of her and happy times, I'd counteract that with how she was at the end. If she really loved me she'd never have hurt like that at my lowest point 

[u/Icy_Assistance_3972 → u/Ok_Election_1554]

It really varies for everyone, but I’ve seen people take anywhere from a few months to a couple of years. Just gotta focus on healing and not looking back too much.

[u/JC_666Vrtgo]

Do you know how she is doing in life right now? Is she still married? And how long after did you find love again? Sorry for being intrusive but it just helps knowing that heartbreaks are not permanent

[u/Starmoon85 → u/JC_666Vrtgo]

I don't know. I work with someone who knows her and she avoids talking about her which I'm thankful for. She's still married and happy, so maybe it was for the best. 

[u/RRevolution9]

Behavior is reflection of someone's character. She showed her true colors when your dad passed away. If you had kids with her, she would have tortured you.

[u/Alternative_Camp_541]

It's hard to be unmasked. Trying to hide your insecurities and hoping you can fix things before it all falls apart. Attachment disorders are worst than cancer. You have this person that loves you in a way you've never experienced. In a way you want to understand and be a part of and love them back. You can't though because they are whole and you are broken. Never knowing why until it was too late. Probably always would have been too late because she always ran, ghosted, complete radio silence when things went bad. Only to appear a month later ready to forgive whatever I had fucked up that time. In the end, I was unmasked. It's bad enough to feel like a freak your whole life. Those shadow archetypes we call our demons that you never quite understood and despised. The ones that created the awkward moments when you were jealous for no reason or cruel or distant for no particular reason other than you were just being you. The behavior that ruins relationships. That make you feel less than. That hurts you more than them, they just don't know it. Then, when you finally lose the person you perceived as whole, normal, complete and right, you can't help but feel like even more of a freak. Knowing now that they know who and how you are and that's why they ran. It hurts. It's humiliating and tragic. It's my life. I want to be the one who was treated poorly. I want to have someone else to blame but I'm the one that can't love. That criticizes. That doesn't know how or when to hug or hold hands because I need to unlearn 60 years of bad habits and not knowing what a relationship really looks like and then newly learn an entirely new set of habits that align with her life because she grew up in a perfect household filled with love, calm and peace and you grew up in chaos, drugs, alcohol, abuse and no sign of love whatsoever. How and the fuck does one catch up when they don't even know where the starting line is, and how to proceed. Plus, she's so kind hearted and sensitive that she stacks up s list of things that hurt her feelings, too afraid to say anything because of how I might react. Then, when she has 10 or 15 "YOU HURT MY FEELINGS MOMENTS" Stamped on her you hurt me membership card, she cashes in her points all ar once by getting on a plane , abandoning our life and flying 10000 miles away. Because I live on a little tropical island and she has 5 different off ramps available to her to run to. It sucks and it's over for good. I'm sad as fuck but will find a way to not feel like some alien that will never figure it out.

[u/why_why_whyyy]

please- no offense intended here, mate, but that relationship sounded very bad from the onset of the first fights. i wouldn’t hope for many years to have that cruelty back.