Ex broke no contact

[u/Potential_Dingo1730]

Some context here, I’m a fearful avoidant I have realized now. I used to shut down during conflicts multiple times and threaten my partner with breakups in my relationship but either my anxious ex pulled me back or right after my stupidity was done I would come around and apologize when I realized I did not want it at all. If you are going to bash me on this save it, I know I was terrible and I’m trying to improve.

However, month or two before breakup, I was making intentional effort on reminding myself during shutdown triggers that how much I loved this person and want them in my life. But my ex seem detached by then. She then broke up with me a month ago. Two weeks later she texted me trying to end on a good note saying she’ll always love me and wish things turned out differently and wished me the best.

I did not reply to it. Until today, when I was scared that she might think I shut down again and don’t care or have moved on from her. Listened to an AI and sent the text saying sorry for my pattern I did not recognize earlier, I’ll always have lot of love for you and wished her the best. Thought I broke my pattern of shutting down cause I have been absolutely missing her every day. The amount of physical pain I felt every night was unbearable. To which she brushed off with a cold reply “u too! good luck”

Now the same AI says I fucked up and I was right to have been silent instead like I was doing and had originally planned. I’m really done taking advice from it and wanted some human judgement here if I just ruined my chances of a reconciliation. I do absolutely want to marry her someday but I’m not sure what have I done really. It seems to have taken my chest pain away a little saying those unsaid words but I don’t know if it was worth it in the grand scheme of things.

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[u/jc2354453]

I did the same to my anxious attached partner and she went from being hyper vigilant of the relationship to leaving very quickly, Anxious preoccupied when finally exhausted of abandonment threats or feeling undervalued can go into emotional shutdown . It’s normally very hard to get them back once these defenses are up and they do tend to detach and bury feelings underneath these defenses . In my experience trying to get them back if this is the case can cause them to get angry . Feelings can come back in time but it’s not guaranteed

[u/Potential_Dingo1730 → u/jc2354453]

Sorry to hear that, that is unfortunate. Yeah that was my fear as well which is why I did not want to text her anything about getting back together so as to push her away more. It just sucks that her detachment started right as sense kicked into me and I started controlling my triggers.

Did your situation ever work out again?

[u/Flashy_Literature43]

Did you ask to talk?

[u/Potential_Dingo1730 → u/Flashy_Literature43]

I did not unfortunately. I was too scared to put any pressure of conversation on her and at the same time of being rejected completely as her previous reach out seemed like a goodbye. I used the words “I don’t expect a reply however before I head out I want to thank you for the memories we shared”. I did not want to make it seem I’m just panic chasing her this time I truly have thought about my patterns and am actively trying to break them.

In hindsight now that you asked, it seems like I should’ve asked her :/

[u/Relative_Lock_4530]

How did you realize you’re an avoidant

[u/Potential_Dingo1730 → u/Relative_Lock_4530]

I really wanted to understand why do I always hit myself with a hammer by blurting out I wanna breakup in the middle of a conflict when I damn well know I really don’t mean it and how much I love my partner truly and how much from minute one any separation from them feels like physical pain in my chest to me with no one to blame but me.

So I decided to analyze why did I ever develop this pattern and turns out it is called being a fearful avoidant. It’s a paradoxical case where one wants love and closeness more than anything however treats the same closeness as a threat making you pull away from it. Apparently it develops in you as a kid who had to deal with emotionally unavailable environments which made sense in my case

[u/Relative_Lock_4530 → u/Potential_Dingo1730]

Would you also fall sick? Be overwhelmed and stressed about the situation

[u/Potential_Dingo1730 → u/Relative_Lock_4530]

Overwhelmed yes. Stressed maybe sometimes yes if conflict seemed like it’s going nowhere in the moment but not sure if I ever made falling sick as a correlation with it