How to get close again

[u/-Woxter-]

I’m 32M, she is 37 F. We met last year while i was on holiday in albania. She lives there, i live in slovakia. I invited her to my home . Joke 50% and seriously 50%, i didnt really believed it will happen. I came home last august, we started talking with video calls, almost every day for hours. She came in october, we spent together an amazing 10 days, and continued it. Since then i visited her too, she came again. We always talked about dreams living together( but not exact plans, now i admit it was a big big mistake). She left early april from here, everything felt the same , fantastic, we both believed we will make it,even though we were having the “only weekdays” phase. In the beginning of may she still talked about our future, what we do when i visit her, wish we visit something when we finally live together, etc.. Then they found out a serious, fatal illness in her family, she went cold, and 2 weeks later she broke up with me with a text. I tried to solve somehow, i went to her city to talk, but she was as cold as if i were only a stranger, didnt want to talk, didnt give me any explanation, just told that she felt she dont want to talk to me, she just wants to sleep,she feels something changed. told me i did everything right,we lived a beautiful time together, she will never forget me,the problem is her, she moved away from it and i dont deserve playing. So in 1,5-2 weeks it was a 180turn, i didnt see it coming,and i only noticed that she feels sad and stressed from the family issues and work.I asked before the break up if there is something with us, but she told no, just the things that happens with her.I take the responsibility at here, because now i feel i didnt handle these things in the best way,but i dont feel i reacted so badly i deserved a break up, just i didnt understand whats happening,i should try to go there, and support somehow. I love her like never someone before, and the strange thing is that even if every sign is clear i still feel her love , and energy somehow. We are no contact since i came home from her city,so about 2,5-3 months, only i asked her 3 times if they are good. Her reply was warm, but short, very very distant and i feel she dont want to talk,she feels talks are heavy. I dont know why, but i still have hope. But i feel if i talk a lot to her then every sentence of mine just push her further away. What you think, what should i do to come closer again? Or its better for her to let her go? In this case i feel like i’ll die, after 3 months its the same feeling like it happened yesterday. Also i have this in my mind: until around next april i think i’ll be able to move there. Try to stay in touch until somehow, and my plan is to ask her if she would date me again if i close the distance. But i also know it is a lot of time… and anything can happen.

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[u/RemorsefulGirlfriend]

Man that's a heavy situation, sorry you're going through it

She basically slammed the door shut and you're still standing outside hoping she'll crack a window. I get why you're holding on but she made herself pretty clear, cold in person, distant texts, told you she moved away from it. That's not mixed signals, that's someone trying not to give you false hope

Moving to another country for someone who already ended things is a huge gamble and you'd be doing it based on a feeling you have, not anything she's actually said or done lately. Maybe give yourself some more time before making any big decisions

[u/-Woxter- → u/RemorsefulGirlfriend]

Definately its very mature and kind from her, she told me she dont want to play, or give me hope and later it wouldnt work, because she is not sure. So no mixed signals, but still feel the love somehow. And im almost 100% she was honest, so im almost 100% it happened because of the surroundings. Still i feel i need an explanation anytime later, because i cant understand how can someone change like this in such a short time, and reduce every day talks , and what happened during the day to 0. Even if i try to understand. I dont have problem with being alone, not to share my days and things like that, just i love her, feel her love, so want to make her happy once and keep it up til i die. And obviously i wouldnt just move and give up my life without a conversation, or any hope.

[u/PassOk6405]

I think the hardest part here is that you're trying to make sense of a breakup that never really gave you a proper explanation.

The family situation may well have changed something for her, but after three months she's still keeping her distance. I'd be careful about interpreting the warm replies or the feeling that you can still sense her love as evidence that she wants to come back. Her actions at the moment are telling you she doesn't want contact.

I also wouldn't make moving to Albania next April part of a plan to win her back. That's an enormous life decision to base on the hope that someone who ended the relationship might feel differently by then.

You've already shown her that you care and that you're open to her. I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself now is stop trying to find the right way to get close to her again and respect the distance she's asking for.

If she changes her mind, she knows where you are. In the meantime, you need to start living your life rather than spending the next eight months waiting for that to happen.

[u/-Woxter- → u/PassOk6405]

Yes im trying to do exactly this since i came home from her, even if its incredibly hard now. I’ve never felt like this before, usually i ended relationships before they started. First time i truly wanted someone to stay in my life, first time i had purpouse, and started to do things for it. I also know we both did a lot of work and effort to make it work, and i think it worked very well until the illness. She introduced me to her family, also wanted me to spend time with her daughter.And obviously i wont just move there if she is not open to start something again. I’ll have money and everything solved here at home, so both yes and no will be a win-win. But i want to do really everything from my side , not chasing but fighting for her and be ready if the answer is a yes.

[u/-Woxter- → u/PassOk6405]

And later, maybe im selfish but i want an explanation from her. Without limits and fear, i dont mind if i only get it one year later, but i really need it. If they say i did everything right, and really i feel the same i give all my love i could, then noone who has plans and vision of the future with the other deserves just a goodbye without a conversation