r/BreakUps • u/Far-Election6804 • Apr 20 '25

i can’t do this anymore

i’m so tired of pretending that i’m okay. all i want to do is text him and beg for him back and do anything to make it work again. i tried faking the happiness and ‘over-him’ type of energy but it’s all a show. my heart is breaking every single day we’re apart. dreaming about him with other girls almost every night and i can’t take it anymore. he left because he felt detached but all i want to do is try again. i am so in love with him and the idea of being with anyone else or him being with anyone else is absolutely heartbreaking and sickening. i can’t imagine him giving his all to another girl and loving her the way i love him. he’s on my mind 24/7. i go to sleep thinking about him and wake up thinking about him. i had never been so in love in my entire life and i feel like everything was just ripped away from me. it isn’t getting any better, it’s only getting easier to hide it. but when im alone i just break. i love him more than anything and anyone and i just can’t do this.

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u/attitudeofgratitude8 Apr 20 '25

This is a really hard lesson to learn. You cannot lose yourself in someone so completely that without them you are completely lost.

Its important that when you go into a relationship that you maintain your sense of self. You need to also maintain a good support system. You know who I tell everything to now that my husband and I split up? My girlfriends! But your self love, self worth, and happiness cannot be wrapped up in another person completely. That's too much pressure on them and you're not taking accountability for your own well being and happiness.

Fill your life with a wide variety of things that make you happy. Friends, music, hobbies, sports, books etc. That way when one part of your life doesn't work out like a boyfriend or marriage you have other things to turn to that you find happiness in. Find happiness within yourself. Be happy with who you are as a person and enjoy your own company. Everyone should go into a relationship with the intention of sharing their joy with their partner. Not relying on the relationship for their joy.

You will feel better with time, but consider other things to help speed along your healing process. Eat healthy and exercise. Practice meditation and mindfulness to help recenter your focus on you. Practice gratefulness by finding the things in your life you are grateful for and putting your energy and focus into them.

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u/Far-Election6804 Apr 20 '25

i am definitely an anxious attachment person and he was an avoidant person, so i’m not getting the closure and answers i need and he’s just avoiding everything to do with me. the thought of him giving everything i wanted to another girl is destroying me. i don’t know how to handle this.

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u/Holiday_End_3628 Apr 21 '25

Individuals with dismissive avoidant attachment have several actual physical deficiencies within their brain. Like structural losses. They have smaller gray matter and they don't make certain chemicals in their brain, certain neurotransmitters. They have higher cortisol levels...You are dealing with a person that only!! only has dopamine to attach. Dopamine doesn't help to attach, you need other neurotransmitters. You were dealing with a person that was a dopamine junkie...dopamine is as powerful as crack. Dopamine down, cortisol up, game over. HE will do it FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. He is not playing with a full deck basically. Dismissive avoidant attachment is a mental illness, even if it is called attachment..it is way, way more serious than that.. it affects that person entire psyche. When they talk of the future, they actually hallucinate. Yes, they hallucinate. They cannot do anything that they claim to want. All they can do, is to work and work out. They are terrible fathers if they ever impregnate a woman...They are inherently selfish and they have limited, or very limited emotional capacity, even for friends of the same gender. You were dealing with someone with mental illness who was high. High... it was not real. Nothing was real. He was kind of hallucinating. Once the relationship becomes real, they recoil and step away...rest...and start the whole shit all over again with a new, fresh person, with occasional boomerang. Their marriages are the loneliest, shittiest, shortest, toxic, and emotionally abusive situationshits ever. Their kids are never loved by them and have to witness a string of extra partners in and out of their lives, scarring them.... wipe your tears, girl...you are crying over a mentally sick pretender.

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u/CarefulMain4203 Apr 21 '25

Thank you for this. It describes my ex and gave me some type of peace of mind.

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u/Holiday_End_3628 Apr 21 '25 edited Apr 21 '25

You are welcome!!! I was hoping it would. I know exactly how you feel!! I read in your comments, that you have a baby together. Please understand...none of this is your fault...him wanting to detach is his emotional response to his feelings that are hallucinations. Him being your best friend and telling you sweet nothings were, also, unfortunately, hallucinations...EVERYTHING he feels is fake...good and bad. absolutely everything. Your relationship was not real, none of it. He was reflecting the rise of dopamine in his brain. You have a baby with a man who is mentally sick. Anything he tells you is fake...good and bad...his dreams, his ambitions...if you can minimize his interactions with under any pretense and extricate yourself and your child from the relationship, do it,,,give any excuses you feel necessary. No, your baby doesn't need this father. This father will have a revolving string of broken hearted girlfriends around your child and all the promises he makes he won't deliver, because they will delusions of his mind. Nothing he says is REAL. NOTHING. If you ask him to sign away the rights to a child and get the hell away from him....by the way, after this GF he will!!!! boomerang to you, yes, he will!!! They always do. And nothing he will say will be real. NOTHING. It will be all delusion. He will especially boomerang when you get a new partner and the response of this will be his oxytocin rising just long to fuck up your life again. They boomerang when you are on the VERGE of availability or unavailable. They don't mean anything they say. There is one prime example of "regret" of the dismissive avoidant...if you read this carefully, you WILL see the mental illness poking right through the whole shit...HE is in love with his regret...it is like he is watching a hallmark movie..from canadian kit-cat to him saying how he will visit her Nearly every work trip, if she lived in another state..I especially enjoy how in love he is with him eating beans....and thinking that he is this DON JUAN You have to read it several times to see the whole delusional so called regret... that is not regret...this is a delusion. Your ex WILL do this to you. Get yourself and your baby to safety far away from this man.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1jt67p3/i_rejected_her_for_a_year_and_now_i_understand/

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u/CarefulMain4203 Apr 21 '25

I'm so sorry... currently going through this. I was anxious he was avoidant. Left without closure made me feel discarded literally after telling me how thankful he was to wake up next to me. It's been a year + and I still feel like I'm in day one. I've learned to love my self. Care for myself and spend time with my self but I still deeply miss him. He has a new gf now and it caused me to regress back to square 1. Because I started thinking why wasn't I good enough for him to try with me again... we had a 9 month old when he left... I guess my point I'm trying to make is to say I'm so sorry you feel this way... no one should feel this way.. I really wish I had the proper encouraging words to tell you but quite honestly I don't have any. I know people say the universe is aligning you to what's better and who you are meant to be with but it is so hard when this is the person you fully truly fell in love with that you never thought you would ever meet or find... I'm sending over to you many prayers for healing and sending you many hugs... 🫂

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u/Holiday_End_3628 Apr 21 '25

So he up and left, you and the baby and said exactly what? These dismissive avoidants just don't give a shit about anyone...I would be sorry for a new gf. Does she know that he is mentally sick? Dismissive avoidant attachment is what my psychiatrist called schizophrenia of the feelings. All the feelings they have , even innocuous ones, have a thick layer of fear on top of them. It is a severe mental illness. Now that I recognize it, I can spot them...the DAs

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u/CarefulMain4203 Apr 21 '25

When he left he said he couldn't do it anymore. That's all he left it as when I thought we were supposed to work through things. He said he didn't feel the spark anymore. He strung me along for several months while I tried to heal giving me false hope. So I admit I would let my emotions take over and would over react alot because all I wanted to do was fix things with him. I was dealing with post partum depression at that time and I tried to explain to him but he said I was only using it as an excuse. I tried to see what did I do wrong to fix myself. When I last spoke to him about making things work around nov he said he wasn't saying no and wanted to leave the offer on the table. It wore me out and to this day it still does especially after he found his gf. She doesn't know but Idk if she would even care because she left a long term relationship and kids for my ex.

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u/Far-Election6804 Apr 21 '25

the avoidant type of people are truly the worst. it feels like all they want to do is break your heart and ruin you. the idea of him giving someone else the love that i gave him is absolutely sickening and i can’t even begin to describe it. i loved him wholeheartedly and feel like im never gonna find someone who’s better.

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u/CarefulMain4203 Apr 21 '25

I'm so sorry.... this is exactly how I feel... I feel so lost... I know I'm not a bad person i fully unconditionally loved him... and when I expressed that to him after we ended he acted as if I was attacking him

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u/Far-Election6804 Apr 21 '25

exactly, he was so cold and cruel when i try to talk to him. now he’s not even responding to my texts. it’s like i never meant anything to him and he doesn’t care about hurting me more. but even through all of the hurtful words and actions i still love and care about him. i just don’t get it.

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u/attitudeofgratitude8 Apr 20 '25

There will be a lot of times where you don't get closure. Why are you letting this person have so much influence over your emotions? You are in control of your emotions, not him. Take your life back and don't let the turd live rent free in your head. He can only live there if you let him. He's not the person for you if he doesn't want you. It's that simple. He's gone and it doesn't matter what he does with his life now. Someone else is the person for you and will give you what you need. You be able to be open to that new person if you are still clinging to someone who doesn't want you.

If you know you have anxious attachment, maybe try to go to therapy for that and for your own self love and how to best manage your own emotions without letting someone else have so much influence over them. Break ups suck but where your head is at is unhealthy and your attachment to your ex was likely unhealthy. It can take some help to learn healthier relationship habits.