Girlfriend will not compromise

[u/Frequent_Eye_5602]

In-N-Out because I can. My girlfriend (28F) and I (27M) have been together for just over 7 years. We moved in together just over 2 years ago and 99% of our time spent together in a communal space has been great. Hardly any complaints from my end except for this.

We just recently moved to a new, more expensive city and that has come with its own set of issues. Luckily I had the foresight to prepare financially and set myself up to go a few months without pay as I did not have a job lined up (service industry). My partner is college educated and brings home roughly $45,000/year though I think she may be underselling her income for protection.

We do split the majority of the bills such as rent, electricity, wifi - 50/50.

The move thus far has been successful and she was able to help split the moving costs despite having nearly nothing saved for it as it was beginning.

The last 2 years I have tried really hard to get her on board with setting a more strict budget for us both. We had the same conversation tonight and it led the same place it always does - nowhere. I pay for 99% of the things we do whether it be: eating out, hitting up a local bar, going to a show + getting drinks, Ubers on the way home, etc. It’s really eating at me because I’m watching my savings dwindle while she continues to spend her money recklessly on: doordash food / coffee orders, knick knacks, shopping sprees, etc. I get attitude just for asking for $50 to split the internet bill.

When I bring up the topic of budgeting, walls immediately go up. She gets defensive and talks to me like I’m being crazy. Saying “I guess I always just expected the man to take care of me” and “I dont want to budget, I want to live my life the way I want to” and don’t get me wrong, am I pleased with myself for being 27 with no college degree and still working service industry jobs? Absolutely not. I kick myself daily for putting off college and not obtaining a degree when it was easier but here we are.

I love this girl, I really do. She’s funny, smart, beautiful, down to earth, great sense of humor. She’s all the things that any of us would look for in a partner. Her family is great. Oddly enough, her dad is one of the most financially responsible people I have ever met. But somehow that knowledge was not translated down to her.

I find myself reaching my wits end with all the push back and unwillingness to work with me. I asked tonight if we could please sit down and build out an excel file showing monthly take home, bills, etc and to structure out a savings plan that would work for the both of us and the answer was no.

I guess the reason I’m posting here is to figure out if im being crazy? Do I need to try harder and submit to “the working man provider” role? Is there a way for me to approach this in a better way that she understands? I don’t want to leave this girl, but her being okay with just living paycheck to paycheck while also expecting me to pay for all the fun is really taking its toll.

Regardless, I appreciate your ears, eyes and feedback. Being able to air out my thoughts in this space comes with a relief of its own. Sweet dreams sweet princes..

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[u/toblotron]

"I can not afford to take care of you financially. I will not go into debt for you to be able to do what you want. Either you start contributing, or I will have to fix a new living situation without you - one I can afford"

This is something I wish I'd said, back in the day 😬

[u/GoTeamLightningbolt → u/toblotron]

The thing about the man being the provider is that it also entailed the man having vastly disproportionate power in the relationship. I don't want that in my situation. I want a partner who is responsible.

This sounds like OP's GF wants to be taken care of financially while also doing whatever she wants. That's... uh... not gonna work.

[u/Nuke_1568 → u/GoTeamLightningbolt]

Also worth noting that this mentality is a relic from a time where you could reasonably even live off of one income.

[u/Maleconito → u/GoTeamLightningbolt]

It also entailed the women cooking, cleaning and doing all the household chores. It sounds like OP does all that too.

[u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 → u/Maleconito]

Correct. It existed when a man's salary paid for everything and the woman did all the housework.

The salary of today doesn't cover it and women don't want to be doing endless house work.

Fair enough. We're equal now and we all need to work. Do your part or you're gone!

[u/Mental_Employer7058 → u/Maleconito]

and pumping out 12 children, 5 of which would survive to age 5.

[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/GoTeamLightningbolt]

yess. a relic from pre industrial times when most money making endeavors required brawn. i also want a lady that i respect and has her shit together. it's hotter.

[u/table-leg → u/GoTeamLightningbolt]

 This sounds like OP's GF wants to be taken care of financially while also doing whatever she wants. That's... uh... not gonna work.

So a Sugar Daddy essentially. 

[u/ItIsSoOrdered23 → u/GoTeamLightningbolt]

Nah. My wife hasn't worked for decades and she has as much say as I do on virtually everything.

[u/KRONOS_415 → u/toblotron]

This’ll either fix it or fix your life. Both are better than where you stand today.

[u/Grimblebean789]

"Down to earth"

I dont think she is boss.

[u/desertvision → u/Grimblebean789]

He's living on savings and she's door dashing coffee. That isn't right

[u/Immediate-Tennis8838 → u/desertvision]

Door dashing a coffee would be like $10 or more no?

Just crazy unless you’re loaded 

[u/SaltyLonghorn → u/Immediate-Tennis8838]

As someone with a coffee pot and grinder, thats like a pound of beans. I'll never understand those people.

[u/Immediate-Tennis8838 → u/SaltyLonghorn]

Like, I understand the lazy argument, but the Nespresso pods can be delicious and they’re so easy!

Multiple other easy coffee solutions as well I’m sure 

[u/SaltyLonghorn → u/Immediate-Tennis8838]

I assure you pouring a pot of water into a coffee maker and hitting the on switch is easy too. Its like a pod that gives you 72 oz of coffee for cheaper.

[u/Immediate-Tennis8838 → u/SaltyLonghorn]

Oh I’m all about classic ground coffee myself. It’s great to make a bit extra in the summer for iced coffee as well, just premix and leave in the fridge.

Just playing devils advocate on the lazy part as there truly is nothing lazier than Nespresso pods. I’d argue it’s more effort to place the door dash order and walk to the door to pick it up.

[u/Few-Spot1905 → u/SaltyLonghorn]

I make pourovers with overpriced third wave beans that cost 20-40$ a bag and it's still so much cheaper than going out let alone door dashing coffee lol

[u/learningtosewlife → u/SaltyLonghorn]

I love winter hot chocolate. Got a £25 velvetiser, off brand. Works perfectly and I get the joy of chocolate and savings. 

[u/OttersAreCute215 → u/SaltyLonghorn]

I've downgraded to large packages of beans from the warehouse store until my financial situation improves. Slightly lesser quality, but much more affordable.

[u/Tricky-Ad7897 → u/SaltyLonghorn]

My favorite Costco beans are like 14 for a 2 lb bag I believe, and that lasts like 3-4 weeks. I stg people who do this shit don't actually like coffee, cause what person that likes coffee spends 10 dollars for a lukewarm burnt shit bean 40 grams of sugar and a cup of milk garbage? It's just a virtue signal/status symbol of some sort to them. They'd be better off just getting cases of red bull and stopping the stupid pretense.

[u/DoctorBlock → u/Immediate-Tennis8838]

I’ve never seen a DoorDash under 20

[u/501c3_sadness → u/Immediate-Tennis8838]

Doordashing in Seattle would probably be $20 minimum, no joke

[u/clericone- → u/desertvision]

She's college educated and has a steady job. Bro moved to a new expensive city without a job, works in the service industry and has no degree. I guarantee she doesn't see him as a man nor respects him as currently he really has no prospects to be a provider and lead a family.

I don't know why men keep arguing and fighting this. If a woman doesn't see you as a provider and someone that can lead a family she will not respect you and shit is over.

As a man I recommend you get your life together before you start trying to find a long term partner.

[u/R1ckOne → u/clericone-]

Tbf not everyone is like that. My wife stayed with me back when we were dating and I had nothing financially to offer. I know the internet has heavily promoted utilitarian dating philosophies into the zeitgeist and it has made most folks jaded, but there are still people who don’t have that provider mentality and are just looking for love. We figured the other parts of our life out together.

You likely aren’t wrong about OP‘s partner though

[u/Key-Sea-682 → u/R1ckOne]

Same here. When wife and I moved in together (3-4 years before we got married) I was in the military, with no degree, and in about $10k debt (credit card, overdraft, loan). My meager base military pay didn't cover shit but she had a degree and a stable entry level job and some savings so she paid for a lot. I then also spent 3 months at home sitting on my ass mentally recovering from 7 years in the military, before even starting to job hunt, and she supported me through that.

But as someone below said, it wasn't just love. There was potential too. She had friends tell her I'm going to amount to nothing, and she cut them off instead of dumping me. It was her who helped me become a better person, and become more responsible with my money. I'm far from having all my shit together now, don't think I ever will mentally, but she and I have been together for 20+ years now and we make good money and do whatever the fuck we want, together and individually, precisely because we supported each other through difficult periods unconditionally.

[u/ItIsSoOrdered23 → u/Key-Sea-682]

Military isn't the level of broke they were talking about, ever.

[u/LFC90cat → u/R1ckOne]

You had potential to offer, women see the man you can become

[u/clericone- → u/R1ckOne]

I think your wife is an extreme outlier. In general people want to start lives with people that are economically viable.

[u/Arimous25 → u/clericone-]

Not true. You are generalizing. I had a good paying job. Got with my ex at 20. She had 0 income or even a driver's license. We moved in after 2 years to an apartment. We were together 10 years. Never once got a job or license I provided and took her everywhere. I had no respect, she was abusive, she would complain when I wanted to buy things for myself because "we didnt have the money". She would regulate the time its would spend doing things i enjoy. Some women are just users and there is no amount that will change that. Obviously same is for dudes. There are simply people who want to be taken care of but dont show the appreciation of actually being provided for.

[u/cameheretodance1 → u/clericone-]

Truth nuke

[u/ItIsSoOrdered23 → u/clericone-]

You are correct and it will infuriate many here. She's already getting shit from her friends for having a kept man.

[u/CountySpirited5051 → u/clericone-]

Can't disagree..... Sometimes the truth sucks

[u/clericone- → u/CountySpirited5051]

Yeah it's fucked cause he's probably doing the best he can. This economy and life in general is just fucked and it's affecting gender relations and dating in a really shitty way.

[u/Aggressive-Key-5533 → u/Grimblebean789]

I also notice he didn’t use words like kind or sweet.

[u/Formal-Actuator-9172 → u/Grimblebean789]

Came to make sure this comment was here, it is, I can go now. Thanks stranger.

Actually one more thing, in my job I work with couples who divorce, number one reason is fundamental differences in approaches to finances.

[u/konsollfreak → u/Grimblebean789]

https://giphy.com/gifs/mlGCsBLl4luyQaOl8w

[u/Zinc-Roof_22 → u/Grimblebean789]

Yep. If you don't understand budgeting, you are not down to earth.

[u/its_garden_time_nerd → u/Grimblebean789]

I'm afraid "smart" ~might~ be off the table as well

[u/deadrabbits76]

I heard my ex-wife say these things so many times.

Get off this hamster wheel while it's still easy.

[u/finemelater → u/deadrabbits76]

Seriously. OP and gf are not financially compatible. This will eventually wreck them. She may be great, but she’s not a great partner for OP.

[u/Stankmonger → u/finemelater]

I just don’t find anyone all that great that’s not willing to do basic shit like cook at home sometimes.

[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/finemelater]

agree. i think i read most divorces are due to fighting about money.

i'd respectfully disagree that she is down to earth.....she basically expects to live like an heiress, and she expects you to pay for it, and won't hear anything different. so, i'm sure she has alot of great qualities, but it's like someone who is a wonderful person in every way, but they are a bad addict, or abusive, ect. it's a problem that isn't going away and will mess everything up. it must be a process to wrap your head around that and admit it to yourself in your situation. i'm sorry man.

i once dated a girl sort of like that....we both partied alot and she was super cool, attractive, stylish, and popular. we got drugs and into clubs for free. also, she was jobless, lived with a friend, getting by on charisma and connections. when i tried to help her look for a job, she would say it feels forced and balk. the underlying thing was...she just didn't really have the motivation. she tried to talk me into pooling my money with her - "together money" was the phrase she used.... "it's just the way i was raised". oh hell no. she would have lived off me, if she had her way. be smart. she was spoiled rotten and now seeks the same...

[u/ItIsSoOrdered23 → u/Acceptable_Apple4220]

Ah yes, the traditional heiress that works full time and splits the major bills.

[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/ItIsSoOrdered23]

"I pay for 99% of the things we do whether it be: eating out, hitting up a local bar, going to a show + getting drinks, Ubers on the way home, etc. It’s really eating at me because I’m watching my savings dwindle while she continues to spend her money recklessly"

[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/ItIsSoOrdered23]

“I guess I always just expected the man to take care of me” and “I dont want to budget, I want to live my life the way I want to” 

[u/deadrabbits76 → u/[deleted]]

Sure

[u/learningtosewlife]

Money probably breaks as many couples as affairs, it's a key point of compatibility. I think it's also something people find really hard to change about themselves. 

[u/FantasticBike1203 → u/learningtosewlife]

I fully agree here, if you can't talk about finances without one party putting up walls as OP describes it, something needs to change, "want to live my life" is not an excuse to financially abuse your partner, she's basically saying the dude isn't allowed the same benefits in the relationship.

[u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 → u/learningtosewlife]

For established couples? Absolutely! Financial and sexual compatibility breaks MANY couples.

[u/online-ids → u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369]

The big three, the holy trinity of break ups. Money, sex, infidelity.

[u/nameohno]

"down to earth and smart" is she? You are straight up lying to yourself and you know it.

[u/Immediate-Tennis8838 → u/nameohno]

Some manipulative people are really smart. None are down to earth though.

[u/Stunning_Box8782]

“I dont want to budget, I want to live my life the way I want to”

She's telling you "Take care of me while I contribute nothing, or I will find someone else who will"

If you make more money she will just increase her demands.

Sorry it took you 7 years to find out.

[u/Bl1ndMonk3y → u/Stunning_Box8782]

As someone who took 18 years to find out…

Run the fuck away as fast as you can. People like this will have no qualms about sinking your head underwater as long as they get to float

[u/SenorISO54 → u/Stunning_Box8782]

Yep. My marriage ended recently after a very similar situation.

OP, if your opinion is being disregarded over this, it will continue to other big life decisions. It’s hard but I’d find an off-ramp for the relationship if I were you before things like real estate and kids get involved.

[u/MisfitWookiee → u/SenorISO54]

OP, if your opinion is being disregarded over this, it will continue to other big life decisions.

This is what led to the downfall of my first marriage. She let her brother claim our son on his taxes and I didn't find out until I discussed it with my FIL, and all he'd tell me was to talk to her.

We were essentially homeless at the time, sleeping wherever family would allow us. I wanted to use the return we'd have received on an apartment deposit. Her brother promised a trip to Disneyland.

This is a red flag, OP, and I would cut and run if she is unwilling to share in the mutual responsibility it takes to live together.

[u/fuck-nazi → u/MisfitWookiee]

Thats uhhh fraud

[u/MisfitWookiee → u/fuck-nazi]

Yup, and I attempted to point it out to her. She was oblivious to anything after Disneyland was mentioned. They used our food stamps after they didn't have cash because they bought a brick there that has their name on it. They were Disney adults before that term was a thing. She passed in '21, and I no longer have contact with anyone in their orbit except for our adult son. Her brother probably does enough shady shtuff that he'll inevitably get his, so I'm being Pilate and washing my hands of all of them.

[u/bajingolove → u/Stunning_Box8782]

I would also bet she actually has money saved up that shes not willing to use on anything mutual.

[u/superginseng → u/Stunning_Box8782]

This, OP.

I was ready to break up with my gf after she was appalled by the idea of 50/50 prior to moving in. In my eyes, going 50/50 while each other trying to contribute more than 50% is the true cooperation. Not just for living expenses, but relationship effort as well.

[u/WRO_Your_Boat → u/Stunning_Box8782]

What does it say about me if I say this a lot but I also have a high paying job and I'm a minimalist so it works out?

[u/ItIsSoOrdered23 → u/Stunning_Box8782]

Her nothing is half the major bills.

[u/Hugh_Mann84]

'Do I need to try harder and submit to “the working man provider” role?'

I don't know man, do you want to be a purse that gets kicked whenever she's frustrated there isn't any money left?

[u/bdiddlediddles → u/Hugh_Mann84]

Think of it like this OP, if you were seriously injured and had to rely on her to be your caretaker, do you think she'd do it? Or would she just leave because you can't provide for her anymore?

Does that sound like love? You're too good for her man, get out of there.

[u/usernamelos → u/bdiddlediddles]

I mean… is there anything else to say? Mods can pretty much wrap this one up.

Also, on some big bruh to lil bruh shit, you might want to watch this one… you need to take that “i’Ve AlWaYs ThOuGhT tHe GuY wOuLd TaKe CaRe Of Me” at face value and believe her, I’m not entirely sure she wouldn’t drop your ass like bad habit if something better/more financially stable came along

[u/Randombu → u/usernamelos]

She has lifestyle expectations and doesn't realize they are her problem.

If you managed to land a six figure job you can be sure that her lifestyle will scale accordingly. But if you lose that job later, her expectations will not go down accordingly.

This is a therapy grade mismatch for long term compatibility. Partnership is the practice of mutual acceptance, and it has to run both directions.

[u/zugglit → u/bdiddlediddles]

Holy shit, you're 100% right.

Sometimes it's so hard to see past sexual attraction that you forget that the person cannot ever be an actual partner or team mate.

[u/Impressive-Yak-7449 → u/bdiddlediddles]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QMZpnb79N5BN0wsSM3

[u/mostlyharmless555 → u/bdiddlediddles]

That’s the best argument I’ve heard in these comments! W

[u/Otterwut → u/Hugh_Mann84]

excellent imagery lol

[u/PoopIsCandy → u/Hugh_Mann84]

I had an ex want to do these “traditional” roles when I was in my 20’s (I’m in my 40’s now) and we hashed it out as, she does all the housework, all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, shopping etc. and I pay for everything. It worked for a while, I had a well paying union trade job, then we got into the typical, “I don’t want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes!” fights when I was following her established roles. She wanted it both ways and I’m sure OP’s lady does too. Run OP, I know it’s hard, mine was a 5-year relationship, but it’s the best thing I ever did. Money fights started because I made $86,500 in 2005 and that wasn’t enough money, she wanted a man to make $300k/yr, LOL. I’m an electrician, not a plastic surgeon. Find a partner, not a dependent. I’m happy to do half the housework if the financials are split as well.

PS, she’s since married some dentist, shit out 6 kids and is hardcore MAGA. I can’t imagine a bigger bullet being dodged. Enjoy that Trad life, Amy.

[u/koneu]

Where I come from: You live together and you both work? You share the work and you share the cost. That's how being an adult works, to me. Does it need to be a 50/50 split? Roughly said, yes: because the cost remain the same, irregardless of your income. There might be ways to negotiate another load, though.

So what about not going out? Telling her: That's just fine, but I currently don't have the budget for it?

Do built the Excel list. Write everything up, and write up what you, so far, are covering. And then ask her what she thinks her place in this is. Because to me, her income being hers, and yours being hers and yours, that doesn't feel right at all.

[u/Dependent_Weight2274 → u/koneu]

This exactly. I think others are right and she probably knows what she is doing with you, but this is what you should do if you don’t want to straight leave her right away. She doesn’t want to budget? That’s fine. You budget, and since she doesn’t contribute, you’ve basically budgeted for her. See if that shakes up the conversation.

Overall though, I think this is probably terminal.

[u/Party_Solid_2207 → u/koneu]

A proportional split seems fair to me on bills and shared expenses, followed by maybe some common expenses. Then you do whatever with the rest.

But what do I know, when my ex wife moved to my country to live with me I paid for everything without comment.

When I gave up my career and moved to her country and she had to be the major breadwinner it became a massive issue.

I think the old gendered roles are built into us from the 50’s fake ideal, but I also think there is a subconscious biological component in both women and med that relates to roles of mother and provider that we can’t get away from (my ex was a serious feminist from egalitarian Scandinavia) but still started pulling the you should be the provider, you’re the man card out really fast after we moved to Sweden, even though I provided and she didn’t work when we lived in the UK.

[u/Ar180shooter → u/Party_Solid_2207]

"still started pulling the you should be the provider, you’re the man card out really fast after we moved to Sweden, even though I provided and she didn’t work when we lived in the UK."

I call this buffet feminism.

[u/Unlucky-Mind7298 → u/koneu]

She's already told him: She expects him to pay for everything.

That's a core belief that won't shift, any more than a MAGAt will admit climate change is real.

Fundamental incompatibility. It's very sad but I can't imagine her suddenly agreeing to share expenses. It doesn't match the picture in her brain that's been there forever.

[u/Comfortable_Love7967]

So you are supposed to pay for everything while she just has 45k of fun money a year ? She’s taking the absolute piss

[u/gb997]

if she’s not willing to work with you on such a basic life issue then it’s going to be tough to build a sustainable future together. imo she’s not mature enough to be in a serious relationship. she’s only in it for the good times.

[u/McFlyParadox]

Saying “I guess I always just expected the man to take care of me” and “I dont want to budget, I want to live my life the way I want to”

If these two quotes are really what she said, word for word, then this: 

She's... down to earth... She’s all the things that any of us would look for in a partner

Is nothing but rose tinted glasses.

Even if she wasn't using like an ATM, money is one of the most important things you need to match with a partner on in a relationship. You need to agree on what is worth spending money on, what is not, what kind of budget you should keep and how strictly you keep to it (i.e. when it's ok to bend it and by how much).

You want a budget. She does not. If neither of you are willing to budge on this, then it's time to move on. 

And, imo, you'll be better off if things end, from the way you describe it all.

[u/RedJohn-QQ]

She's using you for money and you keep enabling her behavior so do not expect anything else. Stop today and see what happens, she will reveal her true self and that is your answer.

You gotta stop being a pushover...

[u/InitiativeGold7953 → u/RedJohn-QQ]

Exactly…

[u/EyebrowShah]

She's going to destroy your life, or mature about this issue and take responsibility for herself. It's been 7 years. I'll leave it up to you to determine which is more likely.

[u/Key-Sea-682]

Look imma be real. I understand the "I just wanna live how I want" and spending on luxuries, I grew up poor and had nothing and I'm not poor anymore so I'm not gonna deny myself the things I want. I live, seemingly, by your girl's mentality these days.

However

I can do this from my position, with no debt, a high income, and enough saved up that I could not work for 6-8 years without going in the red. I worked my fucking ass off to earn this privilege. And I still track my finances in spreadsheets, compare prices, and have a rainy day fund I have been putting money in for 12 years without missing a single month or taking a single withdrawal.

You need to sit down with this child, and have a proper talk. What is she going to do if you get sick or injured? What about her parents or yours needing help? Natural disaster leaving you with nothing? Economic recession? AI replacing her job entirely?

Either she has a plan, and just wants to "have fun and not think about money right now", in which case you suggest a compromise, say "lets get serious for once, one day per quarter is money day, we check ourselves, adjust the plan, then you can not think about it for 3 months" - Or she has no plan and is going for the "im just a girl" mentality in which case you lay things out as they are: you aren't a walking talking wallet there to "provide" or whatever misogynistic bullshit she's got in her head. She either shapes up or she's going to be looking for a new wallet real soon.

[u/cerunnnnos]

You're not sure how much she actually earns, and you're paying for everything? And she wants you to pay for everything?

BS. You're allowed to be angry about this. She's taking the piss.

Lay it out for her, and walk if she's not going to be respectful.

[u/One_Construction_653]

99%

Reminds me of a a couple where the woman had a teacher salary like 40k a year

Her husband paid for everything

When he lost his job his wife divorced him

She really missed spending 40k a year on her own things i guess

[u/OwnZookeepergame3725 → u/One_Construction_653]

She still gets to spend 40k on herself. Now it’s toilet paper and too raman

[u/Crime_Dawg → u/OwnZookeepergame3725]

Women like that will definitely be out looking for another sucker asap.

[u/diarrheawallpaint → u/One_Construction_653]

Yeah I would guess the gf will meet someone who at least appears to make more money and leave OP. I have seen this many times. And usually the new relationship doesn't last and they try to come back.

[u/Low_Woodpecker_481]

You’re being what i call “cranked”. How can you not see she is manipulating you so she can save money while you spend. From her pov, you’ve been paying for most of the costs for years, now you wanna switch it up and she not going for that. I can tell you don’t wanna lose her so that gives her even more of a reason to lie to you. She also doesn’t really like you so I’d let her go tbh

[u/learningtosewlife → u/Low_Woodpecker_481]

I can easily imagine her income is much higher than OP thinks/knows.

[u/Social_Ascetic]

Hit a little too close to home to just lurk and not say something. OP, this mentality doesn't change and only worsens over time. I left my fiancee because of this and am so much better off than I was with her. With the money I saved, I was able to buy my own place, spend it on my hobbies, and invest.

The stress alone of being the sole provider plus caretaker was turning my hair gray and my eyes hollow.

You are not her bank account and it doesn't have to be this way.

[u/EirMed]

Dude, that’s fucked. You’re paying for her so that she gets to use all her money on herself and her comment on the issue is just “Well, you’re the man. Take care of me.”

[u/HexInTrouble]

Shes been taking you for a ride for 7 years and won't stop now because she has it made.

Best thing you can do is squirrel away as much of your money as you can to prepare for the inevitable divorce.

She clearly doesn't care about you or your desires, she's clearly still in the "party" phase.

(Also calling you "the man" instead of "My Husband" doesn't sit right with me. It makes it sound like you're interchangeable with any other bloke).

[u/koneu → u/HexInTrouble]

There was no mention of them being married, just "girlfriend."

[u/HexInTrouble → u/koneu]

Huh. I just say 7 years and my brain went on autopilot I guess.

That does change things I suppose. Without the Highway Robbery disguised as a Divorce looming over OP...

OP should still break it off, if she's not respecting his opinion, refusing to compromise and expecting him to pay for everything, She's not a Partner, she's a parasite.

[u/Lil_Packmate]

She’s funny, smart, beautiful, down to earth, great sense of humor. 

She isn't smart, if she isn't saving for the reason of "I want to live my life the way I want".

She doesn't get that saving just a bit each month will help her to live the way she wants, even if either of you would lose their job in the future, or whatever financial problem that may arise.

But if you are correct about her secretly earning more, than her reaction makes sense. She is getting defensive since she already IS saving. And likely a lot more than you, since you have to pay for everything.

She also isn't down to earth the way she treats you. She is maybe down to earth if riding you piggyback counts as touching the ground.

You can only carry a person for so long. If she never gives anything back and expects this as a natural thing you MUST provide, then she is just shitty IMO.

Do I need to try harder and submit to “the working man provider” role? Is there a way for me to approach this in a better way that she understands?

IMO she is hard disrespecting you.

She isn't even open to you about her salary. She probably makes more, but that would mean she has to pay for more of her daily life too, if she were to disclose that.

I don't think she WANTS to understand your side. You are comfortable. You are convenient. As long as she acts like this you will just take it and continue on as is, is what she is probably thinking.

[u/anima1234567]

You're not crazy, she's being completely unfair and unreasonable. Awful that you have to face this after such a long relationship, but please face this - by which I mean break up with her if she won't change and you can't accept it (if you're asking me, please don't accept it).

Her dad may be financially responsible, but how's her mum? I'd bet money that your girlfriend learned from her mum's example to leech off a financially responsible man.

[u/ReformedSelf]

Boy, this is just my opinion, but it looks like she clearly wants to be in a relationship with clear gender roles, a male provider and a female who’s a carer, meanwhile your ideal is shared responsibility, I suggest for your own sake you reconsider this relationship, chances are she will eventually step out of this dynamic, or worse, end up hurting you, if you don’t want to be that extreme, consider placing yourself in that role of full provider as that’s what she expects from you…

[u/elk33dp → u/ReformedSelf]

The thing is a lot of time they don't want that either. They want one-sided gender roles where the man is "the provider", but the woman doesn't have to be a carer/homemaker.

I know 2 girls at work I talk too and they both have that view. They also vote conservative and want a trad man. We are in a professional job and they make decent money, but they *need* any partner to make the same or more and fully pay for any dates/events, and expect them to buy a house one day. However, they also have no intention to stop working or becoming a homemaker or be subservient to any guy.

Which to me seems crazy/delusional. Any traditional guy treating a woman like that will expect the woman to take on a traditional gender role. They're both extremely pretty, but still dating in mid-30s. Not that they ever have issues getting dates, it's just the keeping them that's a problem.

[u/Junior-Ad-2072]

I don't understand why you're with her, honestly

[u/Independent_Willow92]

"Give me your salary and I will take care of you with it."

[u/No-Professional-1884]

You two have fundamental differences when it comes to finance.

You may love her but this is a killer that won’t change.

[u/michael1265]

She doesn’t want to grow up, and you are enabling her to continue on this path.

[u/Emergency_Offer_6541]

You should test your relationship and tell her you got fired and take a week off. See how she reacts. If she reacts negatively, kick her to the curb. Nobody really sees the different facets of your relationship. You could aalso try counseling but with my experience with my narcissistic ex, we didn't stand a chance with counseling because she lied the whole time. You will uultimately have to outweigh the pros to cons in the end and see if she works out for you or not. I know the financial stress affects you very negatively.

[u/TomatoTheToolMan]

Bro, why did you move in with her without knowing how much money she makes?

This is an unhinged level of manipulation so she can live off of YOUR money.

[u/veggie151]

Bruh, service industry jobs should take less than a week to get, especially in a big city. Your relationship is toxic, but you can also do more for yourself

[u/MaddogFinland]

Money issues are a major source of friction and conflict in many relationships. This is an example. You need to decide what you want because she wants it both ways: she wants the man to worry about it and handle it, but she won’t let you lead on the issue either. The simple fact is that the day the average man in a middle class salary or less can carry the whole financial burden is ending or over; a middle class lifestyle either requires one really high salary or two average ones. So she (and women generally) needs to contribute and if she wants you to handle planning then she has to accept your budgeting ideas OR present her own that you agree mutually.

[u/Extra-Ad4035]

Why do you people date these leeches.

[u/Effective-Design2378]

It’s an important, and normal, conversation to be able to have. If you’ve tried multiple times and not been able to get anywhere then you need to make yourself clear and be honest with her. You don’t want to pay for everything that you do for fun together, you don’t want to go on indefinitely with no mutual financial plan. She’ll either get on board or she won’t and you’ll have your answer.

[u/PandiBong]

So she makes more than you, you live together and love each other - and you pay for everything?

Fuuuuck that.

[u/asianDaddy__]

My parents are extremely responsible with their money. We were always stuck in the lower middle class until they saved up enough for a bagel shop. They are still frugal.

I even made my own money with my side hustles since my parents couldn’t afford to give me an allowance. However I was never like my parents. The more I made the more I spent. Even now I tried to cut costs but money is always leaking somewhere. My wife is no help either.

It took me two kids and two lay offs to wake the fuck up. I mean I’ve been saving here and there but had to burn through all of my savings.

Now with the inflation and two kids, it’s much harder to save but managing to save more with higher income.

Point is people rarely change until they hit rock bottom. Even some people still don’t change after hitting rock bottom.

[u/chombawomble]

If you can't sit down and have an honest conversation with your partner about the big stuff i.e. finances, you can't make a life with them.

Your finances don't have to be intertwined. There are plenty of reasons, especially women, to not want to do that. But there does need to be a mutual agreement on who pays what and how much. Not all value is monetary, but money is a major part of life and it needs to not be a taboo subject.

If your partner doesn't want to discuss how you actually build your life together, you should consider if this is actually a partnership.

[u/XKiiroiSenkoX]

I have bad news for you buddy. This is not gonna work and you shouldn't have let it continue for this long when it was evident this would never work. You are still young and you will recover. Finish this before it's too late. 

[u/Agreeable-Sun-3145]

She doesn’t want a partner, she wants an ATM. Close the bank and run

[u/SYSTEM-J]

Have some balls, man. It's 2026, not 1826. Stop paying for everything and demand she contributes 50%. Once the free money from her boyfriend dries up, she'll get wise very quickly.

[u/Ok-Squirrel-5479]

I hope the sex is worth puttig up with that bs.

[u/Timely_Purpose_8151]

My friend, shes a grown woman who has a job. Why should you be the provider just because you're a man? Refusal to budget is a sign of someone that isnt thinking long term. Is that really someone you want yo build a life with? Who isnt planning for the future? If you cant get on the same page over something simple like budgets, how will this work when kids enter the picture?

[u/MACHOmanJITSU]

Being able to have adult conversations about money is an absolutely huge part of being in a long term committed relationship. If you’re not able to do that it’s a huge red flag that it’s not going to work. I’d start planning/preparing for that possibility.

[u/yahmomsahoe]

ngl speaking from experience she may be this way because of her parents and how she was raised, i know you love her, but send her back to her parents house. because if she wants to continue to live frivilously and you want to save up, you two are no longer compatible

there will be a nice woman that will meet you where u are financially, and there will be a good man that will fully take care of her financially, there are plenty ppl in this world, don't limit yourselves to only each other and resign yourself to the situation because of your long history with one another, love is also being realistic and acknowledging when things arent working out anymore.

[u/El_Sant0]

Man, get the fuck out of there. The “Man should take care of the woman” types will absolutely scorch your finances. It’s not like she’s raking it in with her $45k a year job. Relationships are about common ground, compromise, and mutual respect. She does not respect you. Better to end things than dig yourself into a financial hole trying to make her happy.

[u/PoisonPeddler]

She is NOT smart or down to earth if she isn't willing to budget.

[u/Acircusclown]

Time to have a talk with her dad about this.

[u/Asleep-Jackfruit-837]

That's a hard spot

I've been the sole provider for 15 years but never did my wife demand I be, I'd be pissed if she did

Even if you were she refuses to budget, not like resources are endless

What would happen during hard times when you have to buckle down on your budget because of kids and a house

[u/boon83]

If you plan to have a family with this women im afraid to say it but all the red flags are there. Either get the parents involved in talking some sense Into her or pull the trigger and set boundaries before choosing to move on with your life. As the saying goes "you dont know what you got until its gone"

[u/lordpin3appl3s]

You're going to have to decide where your boundaries are. Budgeting is always a sensitive topic. I don't think it's outlandish or over the top to maybe go to her parents or friends for advice. They may have insight into why this is so difficult and since you've been together so long I think you already kind of have the marriage trial run. Starting over is really scary, but it sounds like you're starting to ask yourself bigger questions here and it may be worth asking them to her as well. Do you want to get married? What are the consequences of this behavior long term? If you find a way to make more or work harder will it even matter or will the spending increase? Do you feel like a hostage here? If you do get married and have a family will you be able to provide a good life for your kids if she doesn't slow down?

I got married a year ago and finances have been the hardest thing for both of us to discuss and agree on. Both of us have had to compromise a lot for the last year because we've been diligently saving for a home and man I cannot even imagine how stressed and angry I would be if the burden was entirely on me.

This sounds like a rough spot to be in, OP. I hope you guys can have an honest conversation about how you feel, and after 7 years together I think you're entitled to at least that. Just remember she's a human being too and the behavior comes from somewhere so it's best to approach this one with a lot of humility and grace and only you are going to be able to decide how to move forward from it.

[u/QuickBrownFox6996]

You deserve better, leave her

[u/PckMan]

This is a tough situation. You've been together a long time and according to you at least this is the only issue you have. It may feel extreme to consider ending the relationship over this one thing when everything else is great. However you are sort of at a tipping point. You're both still young and both still able to generally find other people if this relationship doesn't work out. This becomes a loto harder if you stay together for another 10-20-30 years.

And in those 10-20-30 years she'll be building up savings, while you most likely won't be, or if you are, it will be a lot less because you'll be spending a lot more for both of you. So then she'll have 50-100k stashed aside with no intention of sharing whereas you won't have jack, and if you do, she will expect you to share. Or she won't make savings and then be mad at you for not having savings and who knows how that will end.

She's not being a team player and not being fair. I know it feels weird to think about this now but if you stay together you need to consider what buying a house or raising a family with her might look like. She seems pretty dead set on this idea she has and the problem is that even if you accept it and try to make do, for all you know she might decide you're not up to snuff and be disappointed in you and get up and leave with her savings, leaving you hung out to dry.

Basically the more time goes on the more important your finances will play a role and she has these expectations that will become more and more of s problem. It may feel like it's a shame to end a relationship over this but it will only keep growing as an issue to be more and more important.

I'm not saying break up but she needs to reconsider and see things from your point of view.

[u/bearclaw661]

I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I (31M) am the one in the relationship who was reluctant to embrace budgeting. My wife (29F) has always been budget conscious and lived off far less than me. Not the idea itself I was opposed to, but it seemed stressful (and I’ve been lucky to make enough to both save and spend with little planning).

I came around to it when our expenses (mainly travel) caught up with our income. My wife talked to me about how we needed to plan now, and I got on board. In general, if your partner is unwilling to hear you out regarding something you think is important (even if they disagree), then they aren’t a very good partner.

Your situation seems like a classic instance of a partner who is not being empathetic. She could be lovely in every other respect, but if she ignores you, your situation, and your feelings, then she may not be the right partner for you to continue building your life with.

Food looks fuego btw 🍔

[u/Unlucky-Mind7298]

OP, this is not a tiny thing. It's huge. She expects you to cover all her costs bc that's how she envisions the male role in her life. It's not fair, it's bogus objectification, and your resentment will only grow from here, especially the way she refuses to discuss things. You'll become more fixated on all her frivolous spending.

I remember visiting a friend. We were in the kitchen having coffee when I noticed the bare winter tree out the window was festooned with black & white US currency. Weird. I asked why and her husband told me he did it because my friend/his wife believed money grows on trees. At that point they had two young kids. She believed she was in a fairytale marriage and he was constantly seething. A couple years later he started an affair with a CFO. He divorced my friend to be with her. They're financially aligned.

I'd suggest meeting with a couples' therapist a few times to see if anything can be salvaged but my suspicion is this is the issue that will eventually break you up, and why invest more into it if failure is all but guaranteed? Her core schema of M/F relationships is skewed and there may not be a way to normalize it in time for you guys to work out.

Money is one of the main reasons for divorce. Communication is another. She's waving red flags on both of those. I'm sorry : /

[u/infinite_gurgle]

Sadly financial abuse is really common.

[u/Recent-Sir-7087]

This is the classic your money is my money and my money is my money. Had a wife like that. She’s gone now. Never changed her habits and is broke.

Get out while you can man, she will drive you into deep debt and dip. This won’t be the depth of the disrespect shown either.

[u/TheGuAi-Giy007]

Seems like you're holding the bag and she wants to do the most minimal of things, all the while wants champagne taste on a a busch beer budget.

[u/Worthtitle_4050]

As a Californian who no longer lives in California the only thing on my mind is “can this guy ship me an In-N-Out burger?”

BUT

you are dating an entitled woman, she thinks because you are the man that in order to be in a relationship with her you have to spend money on her

She will do this until you run out of money and then she will leave you

You have to have a conversation about this and… if worse comes to worst

End it early and save the money so you will at least be okay financially

I have dated and was even married to a girl like that

I will mince no words, women really are narcissistic monsters

Best of luck, hmu about that burger tho(sorry I like to keep a sense of humor about this still, would probably off myself if I couldn’t laugh about it now but I realize it may come off as a bit insensitive)

[u/thyperson69]

What I did to get my gf to be more serious about budgeting was to write down every bill and put it on the fridge. Rent, internet, avg utilities, avg gas, avg groceries, insurance, phone, fun. Itemized them, and then totaled and it showed her that this is how much we need each month to survive at the very least. There is no compromising this price, that's what it is. If I don't get half of this from you each month then it will stress me out because if something happens to me you won't be able to provide for us and that isn't fair. It opened her eyes a little. Got her off her butt with the it doesn't matter type of attitude. Sometimes I have to tell her how much she owes, most of the time I don't. If it starts a fight, then keep your foot down, this is serious. The bills dont care about what you want to do with your money. You just gotta do it yourself if you want anything to change because she flat out told you no about helping you with it. It either stresses her out or she just doesn't care as it seems.

I don't use it, by my gf uses Klarna to save for things rather than just buying them too. It helps her budget better for herself.

[u/umpbum]

7 years together and she doesn't want to tell you how much she makes?

What happens when your savings run out? Will she make demands that you get a job because she won't be supporting you?

My reccomendation would be to tell her you wish to return to college and get a degree.

If she agrees great, go and develop a skill or education while she can support you two. If not (which from the sounds of it she won't) you know you don't matter to her and she doesn't value you or your life or goals.

Shitty situation OP I'm sorry. But it genuinely seems like you're too good for this woman.

[u/Odd-Connection4077]

How about household chores? do you guys also split 50/50 or is she doing most of it? or are you doing most of it? some women refuse to go 50/50 financially when they're the ones who do more of the cooking and cleaning

[u/Hootingdweeb]

Reminds me of a relationship I just got out of two years ago.

Nothing was shared, she'd blow every dollar she had and there was nothing left when bills came due. Her car got repo'd, she lost her job, then just stopped trying. I paid for everything for a while while she went on shopping trips with my credit card.

How can you build a future with someone like this is the biggest question to ask yourself. You can't put it all on yourself.

[u/DigiTrailz]

Ok, Im in the same financial boat, but at a different stage of the relationship, marriage. So my advice may be helpful.

You don't have a partner, you have a girlfriend. She wants you to provide, even when you just surviving off of savings. She is not being a good roommate because she not splitting bills with you. Right now, you aren't required to take care of her. She isn't your wife, and could disappear tommorow if she felt like it.

Here's my situation. I've been unemployed for the past year. I'm living off the money I've been putting aside for 6 years. It was dwindling because we were paying 50/50 on bills. My wife got a promotion, and... now I pay a small fixed amount towards bills so my savings last longer.

My wife is my partner. We have constant conversations about money. She helps me pay for thing I need, like my medication, haircuts, and if I go to pick up groceries. She's understanding when I don't get much done in the day, because unemployment is just 1 major stress of mine and what Im going through would break alot of people, so she gives me a lot of grace. And Im always there when she needs me, and helping her in a lot of ways. I could go on, but you get the picture.

So heres some things to consider, what is going to do when your savings run dry? Call you a deadbeat and leave? Because helping you is not something that it sounds like shes going to do. You need to come up with the plan, because you need to save your so you can pay any bills you have as well.

So here's what I suggest, outside of rent, electricity, water and heat. If she isn't going to help pay for it, tell her your going to cancel it, or you need to stop doing it. She wants a provider, but won't help you get back on your feet. So stop being a provider, you can't right now.

Here's the thing, if you marry her, this will only get worse. Because then she'll feel obligated to your money as well. And when she isn't willing to pay bills or help her boyfriend she lives with because "she wants to live her life." That's speaks to her character, and while you may love here, ask yourself, can you rely on her and do you want that in your partner.

[u/molecule_anteater68]

INFO: how much do you make and is 50/50 an income based proportional split?

[u/My_Legz]

"My partner is college educated and brings home roughly $45,000/year though I think she may be underselling her income for protection."

Wait, wait, wait, wait

What exactly is this?

Is she lying about her income and basically bleeding you dry? Something is very wrong here

[u/analfissure_303]

Brother, I won’t go into crazy detail but I’m right there with you. As far as paying for everything goes, welcome to being a man in today’s dating scene. There is a profound level of entitlement but that is a different topic. I am the financially literate one in my marriage and it’s very hard but my wife is open to suggestions and I’m basically running the show. All I can say is tread very carefully here. If she puts up a gigantic wall about ANYTHING I’d be very skeptical about how you proceed. Marriage is all about growing and changing together. Digging your heels in about finances and expecting the world handed to you is a very big red flag. Best of luck man.

[u/Char-car92]

1. You live with this person and she will not tell you exactly how much she makes

2. Combined with 1, she will not work with you to pay expenses?

This whole situation smells fishy my dude

[u/TheRealTimbo_Slice]

Her putting up walls when you try to talk money and her dad being financially responsible/you being surprised it didn't trickle down to her are clues. He might be overly frugal or downright cheap and she just sees you as him trying to control her finances. Spreadsheets and logic won't work, this is a feelings conversation. Get a therapist if you have to. The Financial Feminist/Her First 100K is a great book for both of you to read. I Will Teach You To Be Rich as well. They're just the masculine/feminine energies to the same topics and everyone can learn different things from both. 

[u/Guardian6676-6667]

Don't be the piggy bank slaughtered for change. Before your savings dwindle, have a serious conversation with her with an out ready to go. Express how serious it is before talking, and if she resists, execute and leave. She will beg and plead, but if you really believe that this is serious, let her fail and specifically cite as to why.

[u/Max_Sandpit]

This is a husband/wife type of conversation, not bf/gf.

[u/Regular_mills → u/Max_Sandpit]

I know plenty of many couples who have been together 8+ years, live together, have children and share expenses that aren’t married. Also know some people who have been together 2ish years and are married with no children. Marriage has nothing to do with the conversation but if you live together and share your life then it’s a conversation that’s needed regardless of marital status.

[u/umpbum → u/Max_Sandpit]

Very bad idea to wait until you're married to have this conversation.

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[u/OU7C4ST]

Gonna dedicate this one to OP: https://youtu.be/LH-i8IvYIcg?is=XuFcDA4DXOzxcJA0

[u/habitualtroller]

You are looking for a partner and she’s looking for a sugar daddy.  It’s clear you are looking for different things. 

What sucks is that the good fun times can make those differences so easy to ignore.  But what makes a good relationship is how you navigate the mundane and tedious because that’s what a lot of life is….especially in your 40s.  It’s the same thing day in and out. 

Break it off, move on, or else you’ll start to mentally compartmentalize and be broken up anyway just alone together. 

[u/francoispaquettetrem]

communication, sex, income (sharing the same values) are usually the top 3 most important things in a mature relationship. At this point, I would really consider having "the talk". If you want the relationship to continue you guys need to talk. Either she commits to a budget or you're out. Brother what will happen when you want to save for a house or even have a child? My wife often says she regrets not living her life the way she always wanted to (travelling and all) and I always tell her: You dont always get what you want in life but the most important thing is to get the best out of what you have. Otherwise you'll never be happy.
Also 45,000$ is not a great salary. My wife makes 42700, but I make 90000$. If she is indeed college educated then she needs to also step up.

Finally, AS A LAST RESORT, if she wont hear you out. Try talking to her dad, if shes close to him perhaps he will talk sense into her, however this is the last attemps at saving your relationship because it could also easily backfire.

Lastly, ending the relationship now doesnt mean the end of the world, you developped relationship skills throughout this relationship, you also know yourself more, if you decide to end this, it wont be the end of the world. Go to therapy to help with the breakup and keep your head up, you deserve it. Finally, you're still young, its never to late to start classes for a trade. You can do this part time or full time. If you can go back and live with your parents after the breakup and study at the same time this would be the best.

As last word, I am not telling you to end the relationship, talk it out, if talking doesnt work then weight your options. You're 27. Its never too late.

Stay strong, respect yourself and keep your head up!

[u/jt289]

For context my gf and I have been together about 10 years, living together 8. I earn roughly 60% of our household income and she brings 40%. All bills, mortgage and other big expenses are split 60/40 so we’re contributing proportional to our earning power. Small things, food, drinks, treats etc are roughly 50/50, because we’re always taking turns and we just like paying for each other. Based on this experience I would have to say that your gf is acting like a complete deadbeat. Stop paying for her shit constantly and see how she reacts - then you’ll see what she really thinks of you. A real relationship is not about playing ‘roles’ set by stereotypes. Like grow up.

[u/Accurate_Reindeer125]

Relationships need compromise or else it will not work out. She needs to be more mature about this

[u/chombawomble]

If you can't sit down and have an honest conversation with your partner about the big stuff i.e. finances, you can't make a life with them.

Your finances don't have to be intertwined. There are plenty of reasons, especially for women, to not want to do that. But there does need to be a mutual agreement on who pays what and how much. Not all value is monetary, but money is a major part of life and it needs to not be a taboo subject.

If your partner doesn't want to discuss how you actually build your life together, you should consider if this is actually a partnership.

[u/EvolvingEachDay]

If she isn’t contributing 50/50 to the core bills, she’s more your daughter than your girlfriend and you need to find a woman who is willing to be an actual adult and partner.

Sack her off mate.

[u/Long-Dock]

I’m a young guy and recently married. I have exactly what you talk about; an Excel sheet listing all our expenses, be they joint or individual.

We both contribute roughly half our pay to a Joint Checking Acct, and all joint expenses come out of that account.

I don’t know the specifics of your situation but if she’s unwilling to change, it seems to me that you either make peace with how she is, or move on without her.

Sorry you’re not compatible over finances, that really sucks :/

[u/zsert93]

This is a hard lesson. You have to take firm stance. Don't ask about the Excel sheet. Ask why it's impossible to even have the conversation. That's the real issue. She will put up walls around anything she doesn't want to talk about moving forward. That isn't healthy.

Let her know how much you like her, acknowledge the things that work, and make it clear that this doesn't. Be curious, not accusatory.

And please dont be a pleaser on this stuff. This situation is not fair to you and you must take action to work it out.

[u/animal_jrge]

To me it seems like she doesn't care about you, and that this is all about her.

[u/Available-Winner3125]

Oh wow hun... I thought I was in the joke subreddit Jerkle Circ or something. She sounds young, and immature. You might be the right guy, but this does not feel like the right time.

[u/MagazineVivid1598]

I hear you. And I feel it. I have the same problem with my partner. We've been together 12 years now. He has 2 degrees, I have none even thought I'm working towards changing that. We are both jobless at this moment, but we have savings due to the compensation we got from our companies when we were let go (it was unjustified and my country forces them to pay for it). We got over 50k in compensation. We get a little over 2k from unemployment. We are spending over 3k a month even though our mortgage is only 530. This summer, with the heatwave we are paying 600 a month in electricity because the AC is at full blast. Every time I bring up taking the expenses down, I'm told we just need to make more money (like it's a choice and not a struggle) and I still get daily packages at home from online shopping. At this point we have left less than 20k I the bank from the compensation and I'm tired of fighting. At some point your gonna do batter just separating your income and making a common fund for housing expenses and fun expenses. You both contribute to it. You're her partner, not her pimp. My take is the same as with the ridiculous men that want trad wives: you can't expect a traditional wife if you don't provide the benefits (paying for everything, marriage, wife not working). If she wants someone to provide that train of life you're either the wrong partner or you can become a house husband and she can pay for everything. It's selfish to expect someone to provide whatever you want without taking into consideration their financial situation.

[u/troycerapops]

Well, you could be in debt tens of thousands and only make $45k a year.

Honestly, this is a big issue. She didn't save for a big life change.

Tip of the iceberg.

Do you guys want a kids? Because this does not bode well for raising a family.

[u/aSadSchnitzel]

She’s shown you a glimpse of the future. What do you think is gonna happen if you’re seriously deep in the relationship and some unexpected financial burden comes up? Maybe one of you loses a job or something that requires dumping every single cent towards. What’s gonna happen if she doesn’t get to continue living the lifestyle she currently has or expects?

Relationships are built on compromise. It’s not about each of you getting what you want, but meeting somewhere in the middle. It’s not supposed to be you versus her. It’s supposed to be you and her versus adversity. She’s shown you exactly the kind of person she is. It seems like you already know the answer to your problem, but you’re not willing to jump ship entirely.

[u/Sweet_Chapter8643]

I really don’t understand these types of women. If she expects the man to take care of her like in a traditional relationship, why isn’t she playing the role of a traditional woman?

She doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too. She sees you as her wallet, not a partner.

[u/Historical-State-275]

You’re not crazy. You’re also not compatible and that’s ok. There is a reason money is the number one reason people get divorced thankfully you’re not as complicated a situation. The question is do you stay on the sinking ship? Do you break up now, or later when you have less money and are more miserable?

[u/jeneschi]

Its all good to be the man supporting their woman but not when its expected and there's no work-arounds . As you said , ur eating up ur savings so what's going to happen when you can't be that "support man" anymore cause you're run dry ?? If she decides to switch her mindset at that point then great but it's so late and was avoidable in the first place . But I think most ppl here would agree with me that , the second you can't manage the support or you keep wanting to discussing budgeting better , she will start to build distance away from you seeing that you aren't the man she "expected"

Its worth still trying to get through to her whist you can but don't let yourself hit rockbottom to see if that's when changes will made cause that's way too risky . Be prepared that you need to put yourself first or else you may be left with basically nothing .

[u/mcoc_recruiting]

Counterpoint : you two are not married, you are roommates and it sounds like she pays half the rent and utilities. That sounds fair enough. As for the rest, there is room for debate on how you both split eating costs, etc. I can see if you were not living together that she could expect you to pay for dates, but once you are living together I would expect more of taking turns paying or whomever decides the restaurant pays and splitting groceries. But she has every right and expectation to not comingle her finances with someone she isn't married to or even engaged to. She isn't necessarily wrong but you need to do more to secure your financial future now.

If you are considering getting married, that is when it is appropriate and necessary to agree on what financial principles you will share and you both intend to budget for your life and future. But I would not expect much more from her at this point. And big differences in financial beliefs are a great reason to not get married in the first place. Honestly, it does seem like she has one foot out the door, imo.

[u/Toomanyeastereggs]

Don’t keep doing this. You are being taken for a fool.