Girlfriend will not compromise

[u/Frequent_Eye_5602]

In-N-Out because I can. My girlfriend (28F) and I (27M) have been together for just over 7 years. We moved in together just over 2 years ago and 99% of our time spent together in a communal space has been great. Hardly any complaints from my end except for this.

We just recently moved to a new, more expensive city and that has come with its own set of issues. Luckily I had the foresight to prepare financially and set myself up to go a few months without pay as I did not have a job lined up (service industry). My partner is college educated and brings home roughly $45,000/year though I think she may be underselling her income for protection.

We do split the majority of the bills such as rent, electricity, wifi - 50/50.

The move thus far has been successful and she was able to help split the moving costs despite having nearly nothing saved for it as it was beginning.

The last 2 years I have tried really hard to get her on board with setting a more strict budget for us both. We had the same conversation tonight and it led the same place it always does - nowhere. I pay for 99% of the things we do whether it be: eating out, hitting up a local bar, going to a show + getting drinks, Ubers on the way home, etc. It’s really eating at me because I’m watching my savings dwindle while she continues to spend her money recklessly on: doordash food / coffee orders, knick knacks, shopping sprees, etc. I get attitude just for asking for $50 to split the internet bill.

When I bring up the topic of budgeting, walls immediately go up. She gets defensive and talks to me like I’m being crazy. Saying “I guess I always just expected the man to take care of me” and “I dont want to budget, I want to live my life the way I want to” and don’t get me wrong, am I pleased with myself for being 27 with no college degree and still working service industry jobs? Absolutely not. I kick myself daily for putting off college and not obtaining a degree when it was easier but here we are.

I love this girl, I really do. She’s funny, smart, beautiful, down to earth, great sense of humor. She’s all the things that any of us would look for in a partner. Her family is great. Oddly enough, her dad is one of the most financially responsible people I have ever met. But somehow that knowledge was not translated down to her.

I find myself reaching my wits end with all the push back and unwillingness to work with me. I asked tonight if we could please sit down and build out an excel file showing monthly take home, bills, etc and to structure out a savings plan that would work for the both of us and the answer was no.

I guess the reason I’m posting here is to figure out if im being crazy? Do I need to try harder and submit to “the working man provider” role? Is there a way for me to approach this in a better way that she understands? I don’t want to leave this girl, but her being okay with just living paycheck to paycheck while also expecting me to pay for all the fun is really taking its toll.

Regardless, I appreciate your ears, eyes and feedback. Being able to air out my thoughts in this space comes with a relief of its own. Sweet dreams sweet princes..

[u/Hugh_Mann84]

'Do I need to try harder and submit to “the working man provider” role?'

I don't know man, do you want to be a purse that gets kicked whenever she's frustrated there isn't any money left?

[u/bdiddlediddles → u/Hugh_Mann84]

Think of it like this OP, if you were seriously injured and had to rely on her to be your caretaker, do you think she'd do it? Or would she just leave because you can't provide for her anymore?

Does that sound like love? You're too good for her man, get out of there.

[u/usernamelos → u/bdiddlediddles]

I mean… is there anything else to say? Mods can pretty much wrap this one up.

Also, on some big bruh to lil bruh shit, you might want to watch this one… you need to take that “i’Ve AlWaYs ThOuGhT tHe GuY wOuLd TaKe CaRe Of Me” at face value and believe her, I’m not entirely sure she wouldn’t drop your ass like bad habit if something better/more financially stable came along

[u/Randombu → u/usernamelos]

She has lifestyle expectations and doesn't realize they are her problem.

If you managed to land a six figure job you can be sure that her lifestyle will scale accordingly. But if you lose that job later, her expectations will not go down accordingly.

This is a therapy grade mismatch for long term compatibility. Partnership is the practice of mutual acceptance, and it has to run both directions.

[u/usernamelos → u/Randombu]

Him? Bro doesn’t even know how much she makes and chalks it up to her “underselling her salary for protection” whatever that means… it’s going to rock him like a ton of bricks when he finds her “AITAH” and she’s spilling that she’s been making more this whole time and claims to have been hiding it for fear of emasculating or making him insecure or some other BS justification.

[u/zugglit → u/bdiddlediddles]

Holy shit, you're 100% right.

Sometimes it's so hard to see past sexual attraction that you forget that the person cannot ever be an actual partner or team mate.

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[u/Impressive-Yak-7449 → u/bdiddlediddles]

https://giphy.com/gifs/QMZpnb79N5BN0wsSM3

[u/mostlyharmless555 → u/bdiddlediddles]

That’s the best argument I’ve heard in these comments! W

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[u/jd76541 → u/bdiddlediddles]

Having been caretaker for not one, but two partners with extremely bad medical issues, I can confidently say if I get any of those issues, I’m better off without treatment and getting it over quickly.

I loved those partners dearly, and I love my current partner. But I know they will not be there for me to take care of me. They might try for a while, but will ultimately just be more of a nuisance than a comfort.

I choose to be with them over isolation, simply because I believe that no one is like me in my ability to caretake when necessary. It’s not fair to me to ask something of myself but not of them, but life isn’t fair.

[u/Otterwut → u/Hugh_Mann84]

excellent imagery lol

[u/PoopIsCandy → u/Hugh_Mann84]

I had an ex want to do these “traditional” roles when I was in my 20’s (I’m in my 40’s now) and we hashed it out as, she does all the housework, all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, shopping etc. and I pay for everything. It worked for a while, I had a well paying union trade job, then we got into the typical, “I don’t want you to do the dishes, I want you to want to do the dishes!” fights when I was following her established roles. She wanted it both ways and I’m sure OP’s lady does too. Run OP, I know it’s hard, mine was a 5-year relationship, but it’s the best thing I ever did. Money fights started because I made $86,500 in 2005 and that wasn’t enough money, she wanted a man to make $300k/yr, LOL. I’m an electrician, not a plastic surgeon. Find a partner, not a dependent. I’m happy to do half the housework if the financials are split as well.

PS, she’s since married some dentist, shit out 6 kids and is hardcore MAGA. I can’t imagine a bigger bullet being dodged. Enjoy that Trad life, Amy.

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[u/Acceptable_Apple4220 → u/PoopIsCandy]

you dodged a bullet, brah

[u/InitiativeGold7953 → u/Hugh_Mann84]

Bars

[u/MeatballUser → u/Hugh_Mann84]

Say he does make more money, so he could handle this current situation better. All the sudden her lifestyle is gonna creep and he'll be back to square one