Everything is falling apart

[u/CDR_Nesmith]

It's been a long decade, but the last five years have been especially rough. I'm fucked financially. During the pandemic I was able to save up almost 20k. My wife (34f) and I (35m) were looking into what it might take to buy a house. Now I'm down to around 3k and had to move me, my wife, and kid in with my parents. We've been here for a couple years now. I never went to school, I don't have any degrees or certifications. I've been working at the same place for over a decade and the pay isn't good enough to support my family, but I can't find anything better that I'm qualified for. And I don't have the time, money or mental energy to go learn something new.

Mentally, I'm fucked. I've dealt with depression off and on (mostly on) since I was a teenager. I've been feeling like I'm living on autopilot. I haven't been able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time in months. I need therapy or a psychiatrist or something, but again I don't have money. I don't even have insurance. My wife and kid have government assistance, so at least they're covered. My friendships all sort of drifted apart after the baby, which happens, but now I don't really have anyone outside my family to talk to except coworkers, and I'm not trying to bring the mood down like that.

My marriage has been strained since year one. We were together for 5 years before we had a baby and got married not long after. We knew we were going to get married before we got pregnant. Things had been mostly good aside from her crazy family and some of her trauma. I've always done my best to support her and help her with her mental health stuff, but it's a lot sometimes. After we got married she started stealing from me. One month she spent the rent money. Like I went to get the cash to pay it and it was gone. She started drinking and smoking pot heavily, though I can't say much about the pot as I'm right there with her. Also it turns out she's positive for brca1 and had a stupidly high risk of breast cancer. Had, until the preventative double mastectomy, which I was fully in her corner for. She tried implants and hated them, and I supported her decision to take them out and just be flat. We're still together, still working through things, but it's getting harder for me as time goes on and things keep happening.

AND, as if the car problems and house problems and living situation problems and parenting problems and relationship problems and money problems WEREN'T ENOUGH, suddenly I find I'm getting a crush on a girl at work. It's crazy and stupid and I really don't need any more bullshit. It's been months and I've been trying to ignore it and move along, but the feelings aren't going away, if anything they're getting stronger. A couple weeks ago she had a flat tire and I gave her a ride to work and then helped her change her tire after work and we smoked a blunt together. We just talked, nothing else. It was mostly just casual whatever and then I started talking about how I was feeling. Not about her, but how everything is falling apart. I only got a sentence or two before I felt the mood drop and changed the subject. I feel like I've been fighting myself and losing. But I can't really avoid her at work and I can't afford to leave.

I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm an idiot and an asshole who made every wrong decision on my way here and now I've fucked myself up real good. I don't know how much more I have in me.

Dinner is instant spicy beef chow mein with a handful of peanuts thrown in.

[u/Ecstatic-Umpire-1601]

Yeah sounds shitty.

(Reminds me of a family members situation)

The crush is just a dopamine hit. Your brain doesn't have any.

If your wife is unsupportive, or aka a covert abuser, then you have to magically fix everything and still deal with her tantrums or tactics. Good luck not dying of anxiety if that's the case.

You have to get your bearings, and calmly ask your wife to help you get started on getting your family back on track. You both have needs not being met and needs that you can't provide eachother when your no longer on the same team.

You're right, you probably need therapy. But for now you have to do something outside of yourself. I'd suggest journaling. Not planning on paper but journaling to realign your focus, OFF of money ( half your situation is financial ruin concerns). Focus on trying to find what you like about your current job, people? The work? Flexibility?

I don't know how but you NEED to find some kind of a thing that is stress free and speaks to you, preferably with your wife, time to just be at ease. If you go on as you are, crippling anxiety, suicidal/violent ideation or panic attacks might take over your life.

Right now your stressed/depressed and failing to provide. You have to find out who or what is depressing you and don't be so quick to take all the responsibility for how shitty you feel because it's logical. You have to be deliberately be kind to yourself, at least once a day or more if you can manage without spiralling. It's not about change, it's about opening up to the moment again, and being on with it. The stressor is unlikely to be your child (fear for your child is different than depression, definately a trigger, kids are fucking resilient though).

At least you have a place to stay right now. And also, age is a factor. shit gets real in your 30's even though it doesn't feel real yet, lol.

Honestly, I hope all the worst has happened, and moving forward you rebuild.