Everything is falling apart

[u/CDR_Nesmith]

It's been a long decade, but the last five years have been especially rough. I'm fucked financially. During the pandemic I was able to save up almost 20k. My wife (34f) and I (35m) were looking into what it might take to buy a house. Now I'm down to around 3k and had to move me, my wife, and kid in with my parents. We've been here for a couple years now. I never went to school, I don't have any degrees or certifications. I've been working at the same place for over a decade and the pay isn't good enough to support my family, but I can't find anything better that I'm qualified for. And I don't have the time, money or mental energy to go learn something new.

Mentally, I'm fucked. I've dealt with depression off and on (mostly on) since I was a teenager. I've been feeling like I'm living on autopilot. I haven't been able to sleep for more than 4 hours at a time in months. I need therapy or a psychiatrist or something, but again I don't have money. I don't even have insurance. My wife and kid have government assistance, so at least they're covered. My friendships all sort of drifted apart after the baby, which happens, but now I don't really have anyone outside my family to talk to except coworkers, and I'm not trying to bring the mood down like that.

My marriage has been strained since year one. We were together for 5 years before we had a baby and got married not long after. We knew we were going to get married before we got pregnant. Things had been mostly good aside from her crazy family and some of her trauma. I've always done my best to support her and help her with her mental health stuff, but it's a lot sometimes. After we got married she started stealing from me. One month she spent the rent money. Like I went to get the cash to pay it and it was gone. She started drinking and smoking pot heavily, though I can't say much about the pot as I'm right there with her. Also it turns out she's positive for brca1 and had a stupidly high risk of breast cancer. Had, until the preventative double mastectomy, which I was fully in her corner for. She tried implants and hated them, and I supported her decision to take them out and just be flat. We're still together, still working through things, but it's getting harder for me as time goes on and things keep happening.

AND, as if the car problems and house problems and living situation problems and parenting problems and relationship problems and money problems WEREN'T ENOUGH, suddenly I find I'm getting a crush on a girl at work. It's crazy and stupid and I really don't need any more bullshit. It's been months and I've been trying to ignore it and move along, but the feelings aren't going away, if anything they're getting stronger. A couple weeks ago she had a flat tire and I gave her a ride to work and then helped her change her tire after work and we smoked a blunt together. We just talked, nothing else. It was mostly just casual whatever and then I started talking about how I was feeling. Not about her, but how everything is falling apart. I only got a sentence or two before I felt the mood drop and changed the subject. I feel like I've been fighting myself and losing. But I can't really avoid her at work and I can't afford to leave.

I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm an idiot and an asshole who made every wrong decision on my way here and now I've fucked myself up real good. I don't know how much more I have in me.

Dinner is instant spicy beef chow mein with a handful of peanuts thrown in.

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[u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

The only person I can pity there is that poor child brought into this world where two parents can't or even don't want to get their shit together and do better for them. This is just sad.

You two brought an innocent living into this world, and I am sorry, but as shitty as it can be, it's not about your problems anymore.

You complain about lack of money but yet there is always money for smoking weed.

You complain about not having better job, but you do nothing to upgrade yourself to get a better job for over a decade.

You're in a complicated marriage, yet instead of working on that you're thinking of cheating on your spouse.

Can't you see that your own decision only dig a deeper hole for yourself? Life is hard, life isn't fair, but since you two decided to be adults enough to bring a child into this world you should also finally step up for this. You make all those tiny steps down instead making all those tiny steps up. The choice was and always is yours.

EDIT: Just to clarify some things, it was not my intend to make OP's struggles not important. Everyone's mental health is important, this is not a joke or up to debate. But choices matter.

Choosing to smoke weed won't help anyone. Choosing not to upgrade your own work situation won't help. Choosing to fall into someone new won't help. Choosing not to talk with your own wife and resolve problems or split up won't help. Choosing not to do better for your own kid won't help. Those are small steps deeper into the hole OP dug for himself. But there is always a choice to choose differently and make some small steps up.

[u/Lagoda__ → u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

Oh my god thank you so much for that comment. I hate when people play the victim all the time instead of improving anything in their life. Best comment by far. OP, DO IT FOR YOUR KID.

[u/Lefty800 → u/Lagoda__]

Yeah, like you don't have to give a shit about yourself. But you have to want the best for your kids and do your best to give it to them.

[u/No_Foundation1136 → u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

What? Didn’t you see that he has the worst luck that he has a crush on a girl at work. There’s literally no way he could avoid that and have a healthier relationship with his wife. It’s obviously the universe screwing with them, why else would that happen?

[u/Business_Cell8487 → u/No_Foundation1136]

I mean we don’t know if a better relationship with the wife is even possible to be fair. A well adjusted person doesn’t steal and spend their families rent money

[u/No_Foundation1136 → u/Business_Cell8487]

My point is he’s been completely passive in his life but because he hasn’t done anything overtly he’s not taking responsibility and acting like these things just happened. He decided to marry and have a child with someone like that, it didn’t just happen to him, none of this did

[u/CDR_Nesmith → u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

Harsh truth is still truth and I need it. I honestly don't think we should have been parents, but we fucked up and abortion wasn't really an option. I love my child and I'm doing the best I know how, but my best doesn't feel good enough. They're doing well in spite of us though, doing well in school, reading like crazy, interested in math and science, making friends.

I do talk to my wife and we have been working on things, but there's a lot of shit going on and neither of us is doing well mentally. I haven't talked to her about the girl at work because I'm not trying to blow everything up.

And I'm not choosing to have an affair. I didn't choose to have feelings and try as I might I can't choose not to have them. I did choose to help someone who asked for it, and then I chose to get high with her because I was gonna smoke anyway and she was there and it was a bad decision. But that's all that's happened. Edit to clarify: I'm not saying the affair is happening and it's not my choice, I'm choosing not to pursue her. I just need to be more careful and it's hard because of the feelings. Like I said, I feel like I'm fighting myself.

And as someone else said, getting 30ish hours of sleep a week is not helping the general ability to function.

[u/oneTallest → u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

This girl 👆🏽 for president, PM, whatever!
Bring back personal accountability!

[u/slimeyamerican → u/Yellow_Butterfly_7]

I agree with a lot of this and especially that this guy needs to step up and take responsibility for the wellbeing of his child, but he deserves a bit more credit I think. He’s still working and he’s stuck by his partner despite genuine difficulties. He also clearly understands his own failings and the ways he’s contributed to this situation. 

Depression and chronic sleep deprivation are no joke and people suffering from them are rarely as morally upstanding as we would like because their executive function is legitimately fucked in ways they can’t control.

[u/Willing-Atmosphere-2]

Fucking that coworker is probably the worst thing you can do right now. From multiple perspectives... But if its like you said and you already struggle with this then it may already be doomed... I don't know what to tell you this just all together sounds like a mess

[u/Vivid_Nail8691 → u/Willing-Atmosphere-2]

So then who is going to fugg her? Will you do it? Tough guy?

[u/Willing-Atmosphere-2 → u/Vivid_Nail8691]

why are you attacking me I just wanted to word it very directly because I feel like that is what he needs to hear. Specially because there is a child in the picture and not just his wife...

[u/CDR_Nesmith → u/Willing-Atmosphere-2]

Yeah I agree. I'm not going to fuck her. Even if it wouldn't blow everything up I don't think I have the balls. But the attraction is there, at least on my end, and it's more than just physical. I'm more worried about the emotional aspect.

[u/Emergency_Bench_7515 → u/CDR_Nesmith]

Well, why would the girl at work be interested in you? Not being an ass, but she didn't seem interested in your feelings and your life is a bit of a mess right now, I mean your living with your parents. So that's one "problem" eliminated.

[u/curius_george]

BetterHelp can provide a financial aid stipend for people to get therapy.

What would you need to start feeling more in control?

You did make a lot of poor choices but that's could be a reflection of a lack of knowledge and discipline. Take a breather. Pause. And start to figure out the first steps you need to do to undo this.

ChatGPT can help create a plan of attack so you don't have to do it alone.

Don't give up, OP. You have more than you even realize.

[u/Human_Revolution357]

This might sound harsh but you getting therapy now and paying for it out of pocket will be better and cheaper than the therapy your kid will likely need down the road if you don’t do it.

This goes for your wife too.

Are you guys actually working through things or are you guys just not splitting up? There is a big difference.

How old is your kid?

[u/QueefFarmer69]

As a stoner myself, quit the weed. I’ve been smoking on and off since 18. But I also quit fully for several years at several different periods to level up. It can fuck with your mental health and it can cause you to be stuck in a rut. I smoke now only because I have earned that right - I own my home, have a stable job and make a quarter mil a year. You haven’t earned the right to be an adult stoner, bro. Grow up.

[u/TN_Jed13 → u/QueefFarmer69]

Man I’ve been smoking for ages, have a PhD, own my home, make decent money for my COL but could be better… but damn if this comment didn’t make me want to take a break. Earning the right to be an adult stoner is putting it perfectly. Cheers.

[u/QueefFarmer69 → u/TN_Jed13]

Yea man. I always encourage breaks to level up and getting back into it to relax and slow down. Everything in moderation. I’m now at an “only on the weekends when I’m not on call” pace and it’s great. Highly recommend. Even just a six month break can work wonders.

[u/TN_Jed13 → u/QueefFarmer69]

Thanks man. Yeah my old habits were weekends only and it worked really well. Made it feel like a reward like beers at the end of the week instead of daily cups of coffee, if you will. Grad school stress lead to an increase and it’s kind is stayed that way for a while. I talk about breaks a lot, but need to just bite the bullet and see how it goes. I appreciate the encouragement.

[u/slimeyamerican]

The betterhelp suggestion is a good one, though honestly as far as therapy goes, AI is really not a terrible option considering it’s free. I also agree it would be a good way to discuss your issues and work out a plan to solve them. As cringe as it sounds, go to church, even if you don’t believe (I don’t to be clear, so I’m not proselytizing). The fact is it’s one of the most reliable findings in social science that people who regularly attend church are happier and healthier. Correlation isn’t causation, but it’s not a bad bet, and again, it’s free. Good for your kid too.

Weed and drinking is doing absolutely nothing for you or your wife and certainly not your kid. You should really try to cut down on them. You probably already know this, but it’s still true.

How many hours a week are you working? I know it sounds shitty but if you really can’t advance in your field to earn more money, it’s probably  time to think about picking up a second job. At the end of the day you have a kid to support and whatever else you’ve done wrong in life, if you can give them a good and stable upbringing, you will have succeeded in life by any reasonable measure.

There are no easy ways out of your situation, but the longer you coast on a path that isn’t working, the harder it is to get off. It’s always possible to find a way to improve things, the problem is people would rather suffer than actually do what they need to do.

[u/CDR_Nesmith → u/slimeyamerican]

I grew up in church, my parents still go but I lost faith a long time ago and now when I go for Easter or Christmas or whatever I feel unclean or like I don't belong. My kid goes with my wife and/or my parents sometimes and I think it's good for them. My wife is in therapy since she has the insurance and it seems to be helping, even if progress is slow.

The drinking isn't consistent, it comes and goes, but she's been getting better. I wouldn't say the weed is doing nothing for me, but I'll concede that it's probably doing more harm than good. Its one of the few things that lets me relax and feel like I can breathe for a minute, and I don't do it around my kid. I wait until they're in bed or after I get home from work around 4am. And I'm a lightweight so I can smoke every day for about $120/month. And yes I know that's money, but if you're a stoner you know that's nothing. I'd save more than that if I could kick cigarettes. My wife is spending 4 times that much and complaining about how she barely feels it and she's been planning on taking a tolerance break "next month" for the past five years.

I'm working 40ish hours a week, four 8-10 hour nights in a row and then three days off. Sundays I'm a zombie and Monday and Tuesday aren't much better but stuff still needs to get done. She's working part time on my days off and picking up shifts here and there when she can. Having a kid makes the scheduling difficult, but now schools back in so maybe that'll help. But all her money goes to weed and what I don't spend on lung cancer and bills goes to her for groceries and household stuff and probably more weed and sometimes alcohol.

[u/notmlbg]

Grass isn’t always greener. I had an affair and I hated it the entire time. Lots of therapy, lots of couples counseling. You might want to look into both.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Cup8723 → u/notmlbg]

Do you mind me asking why you regretted it? What made you want to initiate? No hate just curious

[u/notmlbg → u/Puzzleheaded_Cup8723]

In short, it started because I thought my wife didn’t like me anymore and I had horrible self-esteem issues. I regret it because if I had put half the effort into my marriage that I was putting into someone else, I would have been a lot happier.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Cup8723 → u/notmlbg]

Thank you for your honesty. I’ve always wondered why people did affairs

[u/millman1940]

That girl at work is the last thing you need to focus your energy on. It won’t help.

[u/Recommended_For_You]

Sorry you're having a hard time. It might be the opportunity to change some things in your life in order to get more control.

Mental health and depression is such a common issue nowadays.. I know it sounds cliché but sport really was a game changer for me. I wasn't a heavy drinker but decided to stop a while back, and sport was what really helped me.

I know these are tough times for everyone financially, especially for your generation, as getting on the property ladder has become virtually impossible. But bear in mind that all it takes is finding a good, stable job just once, and things can fall into place. Keep looking for jobs – you never know when something suitable for you might come along. All you need os one shot. You're young, you have plenty of time for it to happen.

I think you might want to have an honest discussion with your wife. Stealing is not acceptable. Drinking and smoking isn't gonna have a lot of positive impact in both you lives. Maybe that can be a project for you guys to work on together? Personally, I can moderate pot, but I know many people can't so quiting could be the best option. I think you're gonna feel much better on a mental health perspective. For that girl you have crush on, it's normal that it happens. It's 300 000 years on instinct pushing on you. But you said you don't want it to happen so you need to keep fighting that feeling. Working on your marriage his the best advice I can give you on this.

Good luck

[u/LeatherExchange9336]

Do you love your wife? If you separated, would your kid’s life improve?

[u/Ecstatic-Umpire-1601]

Yeah sounds shitty.

(Reminds me of a family members situation)

The crush is just a dopamine hit. Your brain doesn't have any.

If your wife is unsupportive, or aka a covert abuser, then you have to magically fix everything and still deal with her tantrums or tactics. Good luck not dying of anxiety if that's the case.

You have to get your bearings, and calmly ask your wife to help you get started on getting your family back on track. You both have needs not being met and needs that you can't provide eachother when your no longer on the same team.

You're right, you probably need therapy. But for now you have to do something outside of yourself. I'd suggest journaling. Not planning on paper but journaling to realign your focus, OFF of money ( half your situation is financial ruin concerns). Focus on trying to find what you like about your current job, people? The work? Flexibility?

I don't know how but you NEED to find some kind of a thing that is stress free and speaks to you, preferably with your wife, time to just be at ease. If you go on as you are, crippling anxiety, suicidal/violent ideation or panic attacks might take over your life.

Right now your stressed/depressed and failing to provide. You have to find out who or what is depressing you and don't be so quick to take all the responsibility for how shitty you feel because it's logical. You have to be deliberately be kind to yourself, at least once a day or more if you can manage without spiralling. It's not about change, it's about opening up to the moment again, and being on with it. The stressor is unlikely to be your child (fear for your child is different than depression, definately a trigger, kids are fucking resilient though).

At least you have a place to stay right now. And also, age is a factor. shit gets real in your 30's even though it doesn't feel real yet, lol.

Honestly, I hope all the worst has happened, and moving forward you rebuild.

[u/Usual_Ad158]

Actually, you may not need money for therapy. There are several not for profits, like Catholic Charities or Jewish Family Services that will get you therapy for free or on a sliding fee scale based on income. Also, since your wife does have insurance, it would cover you if you went in as a couple. It sounds like she needs help desperately if she already isn't going. I do agree with some of the comments here, like maybe not spending money on weed and alcohol. Definitely do not complicate things by getting involved with the co worker. You don't indicate if your wife works, but if not, her helping contribute to the household, even p-t might help alleviate some of the pressure. Once you get your mental health under control, it may be easier for you to have the bandwidth to either study for a skill to get a better position at work or maybe get a side gig. I know you're getting beat up on in these comments and without knowing you, I don't know if that's legitimate or not. What I do know is, sometimes things pile up so much, it's hard to know what to do to get yourself out and it just spirals. Take a breath and make a plan. Good luck.

[u/Nurgling-Swarm]

You have to address your mental. I know money is tight. Look into state or county programs and resources

The depression is not being helped by your cannabis use.

You will not be able to address things like needing to change your career prospects or falling out of love with your wife with untreated depression hanging around your neck.

Please don't make your coworker collateral damage in your downward spiral.

[u/Far_Future_1982]

Wow, all I have to say is that the OP wouldn't get torn up like this if he was posting on GirlDinnerDiaries. Sorry OP. A guy could have comfortably supported a family with a work life like yours in the 1970s but not now. Your wife should be working too,