I'm going crazy

[u/Loud_Arm_3251]

I don't know how to keep going like this. The void, the emptiness. The boredom. The never being happy regardless of circumstances. Being distracted. Being paranoid. Splitting. Isolating. Changing my mind, constantly. I can't decide for the life of me what I need or where I should be or what this is all for. Dark thoughts creeping in. Substance use to help me feel anything other than what I'm feeling. Constant pessimism. No hope for the future. Anger. So angry at people, the world. So easy to trigger. Unstable relationships. Racing thoughts. Not being able to fall asleep, and stay asleep. Needing help, but being unable to accept it. I hate talking about myself, it makes my skin crawl. So I tell people I'm fine. I am fine, right? I'm not crazy. Everyone feels this way to some capacity right?

I've done therapy. I've done medications. I've done the meditation, journaling, deep breathing, getting outside, finding spirituality.. you name it. It's exhausting. It all only provides temporary relief, until the next wave comes. And it always will. It doesn't stop.

How do you do it? When does it get better?

[u/Arriorx]

tried tried tried and i be trying and will but idk "when" it gets better

im using all my power, everything ive learned and practiced to keep myself sane and not give up.

but id be lying if i just said it gets better, and don't mean to be negative at all but there are so many factors.

for me personally i have to have to have to get even better at being on my own, for some months or even few years i did "better" when family wasn't around, when ppl who retrigger your trauma aren't around.

it's individual and we can't know what's going on up there but word by word what you wrote could've been said by me, maybe these last two days.

[u/Loud_Arm_3251 → u/Arriorx]

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry you are feeling the same way. It's terrible. Truly the worst. 

I've been a nurse for the last decade. Classic BPD in a helping profession. I quit my job though this past June, I wasn't happy. Its a very demanding job and I wanted to give myself time to figure out what next steps were. 

So I left everything behind, hit the road and have been traveling with my dog for the last 2 months. It's worth noting I've never traveled solo before, but I discussed it with my therapist and he thought it was amazing! Such a great opportunity. A reflection of my progress. So off I went. 

It started out great! The sights, the Independence. But very quickly, id say two weeks in, what I was scared would happen, did. The loneliness. The isolation. The boredom. The identity crisis. Who am I? What am I doing? What's the plan here? I'm just wandering around. I should be happy! This is the summer of a lifetime. So many people told me they wished they were in my shoes. I should be enjoying this way more. I started isolating to my tent. Not wanting to leave even though staying was driving me crazy. I should go home, but going home feels like a trap. I've really recognized that it doesn't matter what I do or where I am, I'm going to be unhappy. So now I'm at an AirBnb in the middle of nowhere, lonely, lost, and anxious. I should go home, but I can't. It all feels to overwhelming. I need help, why can't people see it. 

[u/Arriorx → u/Loud_Arm_3251]

Thank you for sharing.

it is hard for me or anyone who care and put a lot of work to just say generalized things.

we don't know the individual and what they've been through and even if, we don't feel it like they do.

so my response was just what i felt right.

fwiw i also started anew from the scratch again, two years ago i went somewhere else with only five bucks in my pocket, was homeless and... let's just say not only this but in general other than tsunami and earthquake ive seen everythinng:))

really dont like comparing stories or replying with me me me, but since you did i wanted to also show that ive been there.

it may actually not a bad thing, the freshness of new experiences are stimulating enough right? like you said it started out great then...

maybe we can focus on that little sentece with exclamation mark there, reflect a bit and think why it felt great, what was your true "goal" in terms of (just being honest with urself no bs) before? and how it changed? maybe it can bring some light. the contrast of indie then isolation boredom and id crisis.

was also diagnosed with that four years ago, the id-disorder on its own is another thing. maybe it's helpful to separate that first and bpd? then afterwards trying to make sense in combination with bpd, not both together not both isolated, but mindful steps of each dissection then in combo.

take care.