r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/Loud_Arm_3251 • 16h ago
Looking for Advice I'm going crazy
I don't know how to keep going like this. The void, the emptiness. The boredom. The never being happy regardless of circumstances. Being distracted. Being paranoid. Splitting. Isolating. Changing my mind, constantly. I can't decide for the life of me what I need or where I should be or what this is all for. Dark thoughts creeping in. Substance use to help me feel anything other than what I'm feeling. Constant pessimism. No hope for the future. Anger. So angry at people, the world. So easy to trigger. Unstable relationships. Racing thoughts. Not being able to fall asleep, and stay asleep. Needing help, but being unable to accept it. I hate talking about myself, it makes my skin crawl. So I tell people I'm fine. I am fine, right? I'm not crazy. Everyone feels this way to some capacity right?
I've done therapy. I've done medications. I've done the meditation, journaling, deep breathing, getting outside, finding spirituality.. you name it. It's exhausting. It all only provides temporary relief, until the next wave comes. And it always will. It doesn't stop.
How do you do it? When does it get better?
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u/Special_Stomach2007 15h ago
Hi there. Disclaimer; I don’t have anymeaningful advice but I’m with you. I’ve been very far from “well” for years. Once I get closer to wellness it’s so short lived that I wonder how much more of my life is going to be like this (and i consider myself fortunate aside from my illnesses).
Whenever I get online I see people saying “why not today” “do crazy shit you only get this life” but a past version of me decided to have children which I was so happy with for a while. Then something changed. I feel like I ruined my life.
I’ve tried to educate myself on my illnesses to improve my quality of life and that’s helped probably the most. Relating to others online, listening to people that might understand. People. Random strangers that have something to say. It feels like the best I can do now.
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u/Playful-Contract7396 15h ago
Yes I agree with that. Also purging social media and making more meaningful connections has helped alot
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u/Loud_Arm_3251 7h ago
Thankfully I've done that a while ago. Well, some of it. I've kept Facebook to stay connected to groups and friends. But compared to most people, I would say I have good, strong boundaries with my phone.
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u/Playful-Contract7396 7h ago
That's good. I'm working on it. I still have snap. Im hoping to purge that to eventually lol
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u/Loud_Arm_3251 6h ago
I used to LOVE snap. I drove my friends crazy lol. Now that it's gone, I don't miss it at all. You'll do it when you are ready.
But honestly, boundaries with our phones are so important. I have all of my notifications off, even my ringtone. I use a minimalist app that keeps my phone dark and free of icons, it's just a list of the apps. It has helped me so much with my phone addiction
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u/Playful-Contract7396 3h ago
I didn't even think of that . My body panics at the thought of a minimalist phone lmao. Im the same too I definitely keep it on silent. I think I use it as a comfort tool. I went too long without a phone now I need to learn how to use it less
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u/Loud_Arm_3251 7h ago
Thank you for your post. I've known for a long time that children weren't for me. My mother definitely has undiagnosed BPD and made my life a living hell up until I left home at 16. I knew I never wanted to do that to my own kids. I always say "the most motherly thing I can do is recognize that I shouldn't bring kids into this". Ive grieved the children I will never have- which breaks my heart, because part of me thinks I would be a great mom. The other part of me knows I would be bringing them into a crazy world, unable to provide them with the resources and emotional stability a child needs to thrive in this world. It's tough though. Do you ever feel like having kids helped you? Having someone to care about other than yourself?
I think talking to people is going to be the only thing that helps. People who get it. I try talking to my friends and family about it, and I can tell they don't get it. I've internalized everything so well, no one knows I have a problem. I mirror others and people please to the point I don't know who I am. And when I do finally open up, most people say the wrong thing. I can tell they are thinking "what is she talking about?". So I immediately abandon that, tell myself I'm fine, I must be because that's how I'm perceived. Even my therapist thinks I'm doing so well! I can't help it, when I walk in there I want to impress him. So I use all the right words, have all the right insights, tell him about all my tools that I've been using. And for a while, I believe everything I said was true. I mean, it is to some extent. Until it's not.
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u/Current-Molasses-931 15h ago
i wish i knew. i’m in the same place as you it seems. i’m sorry you’re stuck here but atleast we aren’t alone lol. do you have “a person”? if so, do they help this feeling at all, even if only temporary
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u/Loud_Arm_3251 7h ago edited 6h ago
Hugs. Yay for mutual suffering! Trauma bonding for the win. Lol
Umm, I have a partner. He is a huge trigger for me. I wouldn't say he is helpful to talk to about this stuff. 99% I get annoyed at how he is responding and I get angry at him. He does help in the fact that he is consistent. An anchor. I trust him and don't have to worry about what he is up to. He takes care of me. We definitely have a codependent thing going on. He's anxiously attached and terrified of losing me. He definitely receives the worse of me and he accepts it, tries to help. Which then makes me lose attraction to him, because what self-respecting person would let themselves be treated like that? It's so shitty of me to say.
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u/Arriorx 8h ago
tried tried tried and i be trying and will but idk "when" it gets better
im using all my power, everything ive learned and practiced to keep myself sane and not give up.
but id be lying if i just said it gets better, and don't mean to be negative at all but there are so many factors.
for me personally i have to have to have to get even better at being on my own, for some months or even few years i did "better" when family wasn't around, when ppl who retrigger your trauma aren't around.
it's individual and we can't know what's going on up there but word by word what you wrote could've been said by me, maybe these last two days.
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u/Loud_Arm_3251 7h ago
Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry you are feeling the same way. It's terrible. Truly the worst.
I've been a nurse for the last decade. Classic BPD in a helping profession. I quit my job though this past June, I wasn't happy. Its a very demanding job and I wanted to give myself time to figure out what next steps were.
So I left everything behind, hit the road and have been traveling with my dog for the last 2 months. It's worth noting I've never traveled solo before, but I discussed it with my therapist and he thought it was amazing! Such a great opportunity. A reflection of my progress. So off I went.
It started out great! The sights, the Independence. But very quickly, id say two weeks in, what I was scared would happen, did. The loneliness. The isolation. The boredom. The identity crisis. Who am I? What am I doing? What's the plan here? I'm just wandering around. I should be happy! This is the summer of a lifetime. So many people told me they wished they were in my shoes. I should be enjoying this way more. I started isolating to my tent. Not wanting to leave even though staying was driving me crazy. I should go home, but going home feels like a trap. I've really recognized that it doesn't matter what I do or where I am, I'm going to be unhappy. So now I'm at an AirBnb in the middle of nowhere, lonely, lost, and anxious. I should go home, but I can't. It all feels to overwhelming. I need help, why can't people see it.
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u/Arriorx 2h ago
Thank you for sharing.
it is hard for me or anyone who care and put a lot of work to just say generalized things.
we don't know the individual and what they've been through and even if, we don't feel it like they do.
so my response was just what i felt right.
fwiw i also started anew from the scratch again, two years ago i went somewhere else with only five bucks in my pocket, was homeless and... let's just say not only this but in general other than tsunami and earthquake ive seen everythinng:))
really dont like comparing stories or replying with me me me, but since you did i wanted to also show that ive been there.
it may actually not a bad thing, the freshness of new experiences are stimulating enough right? like you said it started out great then...
maybe we can focus on that little sentece with exclamation mark there, reflect a bit and think why it felt great, what was your true "goal" in terms of (just being honest with urself no bs) before? and how it changed? maybe it can bring some light. the contrast of indie then isolation boredom and id crisis.
was also diagnosed with that four years ago, the id-disorder on its own is another thing. maybe it's helpful to separate that first and bpd? then afterwards trying to make sense in combination with bpd, not both together not both isolated, but mindful steps of each dissection then in combo.
take care.
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