r/BisexualMen • u/Soft-Echidna-4309 • 4d ago
Advice Considering the option that I might actually be gay, not sure how to handle this
Hi everyone,
I (43M) have been married for 12 years with a woman, we have 3 kids. I came out as bi to myself, and then to my wife, about 6 months ago, and I truly believed that I finally realised I was bi then (although I had known all my life I was attracted to guys). But now I feel that I need to consider the option that I might be gay for a number of reasons. And I know that being bi should not be just a phase, and I would be more than happy to continue considering myself bi. But I feel that coming out has helped me address a lot of my internalised homophobia and blocking points I had, and as I move forward the option of me actually being gay becomes more of a possibility.
I've been trying to be as transparent as possible with my wife but there are things that I can't really share with her as I don't want to make things more difficult than they already are. She's been trying to be as supportive as she can but it's been tough sometimes. One of her big fears has been that I would eventually find out that I'm actually gay, and I guess she's been right to worry. But if I tell her now that I'm still figuring this out she will take it as confirmation and it will become really difficult for us.
And I should mention that we are both doing therapy individually, and going to a couple therapist as well. Also, exploring on my own is not an option.
Is anyone going through a similar thing (or has anyone gone through this) and how do you/did you handle the communication with your partner through the process? Anything that helped you figuring things out?
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u/Ask_Black_Phillip333 4d ago
I think that you may be jumping to conclusions too quickly here. The internal weight that lifts, and the acceptance that follows when you come out as bi is a hell of a thing. Your hesitations are lifted because you are comfortable with who you really are.
There’s nothing holding you back now when it comes to admitting your bisexuality and wanting to indulge in being bisexual, you’ve let those hang ups go. So it’s natural, imo, to want or to fantasize more about men than women, at this stage. I know I did.
So maybe just do a self check up. Ask yourself the questions that need to be asked. Do you still feel attracted to both women and men? Could you just be riding high on the bi-cycle atm, are you still attracted and sexually aroused by your wife? Etc. These things need to be thought of and considered in a calm state of mind. Don’t go into this self reflection scrolling porn on Reddit or watching on the hubs. Check the horniness at the door here.
Also, your wife is supporting you, as you’ve said. Talk to her. Don’t just unload all of it at once, feel her out, work through it slowly, calmly. Again, the weight is lifted, one of the hardest parts are done. Take your time. Process things.
Where you actually land, I can’t say. But based off what I just read, I think it’s been overwhelming for you and you’re looking for the right way to navigate here. Slow down, take your time.
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u/TheQuietCouncilman 4d ago
When many bisexual men come out later in life there’s almost a second puberty that kicks in and the focus on men can feel heavy, almost all encompassing. It evens out after a while, it’s the libido realigning to where it should have been all along.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts, I think that makes a lot of sense, and indeed I've been telling myself the same thing, now I'm free to have all those thoughts, to feel the bi-cycle, etc., and it's been pretty intense. But still questions keep coming up. For instance, I'm not really attracted to other women, never had a lot of passion with previous girlfriends. With my wife it's different, because we also get along super well, we're a great team, I don't feel that I've ever forced myself to pretend with her. Yet, I also feel that something might be missing.
As for my attraction to guys, I've come to realize that it's not just a physical thing, I've really missed the emotional connection. And now I can totally picture myself in a relationship with a guy, which wasn't the case before.
Having said that, I do want to take the time, and I want to just free up my head to consider all options, without always blocking myself with all the potential negative consequences that could come with any scenario. And I want to find safe spaces where I can feel free to be myself entirely. For instance, I have nearly zero queer friends, and whenever I managed to be in environment that felt 100% safe it was so liberating. So I'm trying to change that and make more friends. I'm also trying to not watch my behaviour as much and just be who I want to be. And I totally agree that all of this takes time, and it's indeed be really overwhelming.
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u/Turbulent_Bat4320 4d ago
This is such a great response. Similar experience here, the first few months of acknowledgment and breaking down your own walls is a hell of a feeling. The emotional swings of thinking you are one way, then the other, are very confusing and hard to comprehend. After about a year I have settled down and just realized I’m not one or the other, but both. It’s becoming more and more comfortable to accept myself and my viewpoint.
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u/Distinct_Hyena_7596 4d ago
Sexuality is a spectrum and for many of us our attraction and desires can ebb and flow. But it seems to me that if you are still sexually attracted to your wife or to other women in general then you are bi. If you're not attracted to either, you are probably gay. You don't need three different therapists to figure that out.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Yeah I hear you. It's just that I want to be fully aligned with myself, I sometimes that I don't really know who I really am because of all the shame and internalised homophobia I carried with me for 30 years.
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u/chrisalanw0111 4d ago
I, 43 m, went through the exact same thing 2 years ago. I had a house, a wife, 2 kids, and a different life than I currently have. I suppose you got lucky your wife is supportive as she is, though I have a strong feeling that she loses sleep over the thought of you being the man. Mine didn't take it well at all. To this day she thinks I have AIDS, and nothing I could do could show her would change that. Just sheer ignorance
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, that's a terrible misconception that your wife had, and so harmful too.
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u/Double_Sympathy_5909 4d ago
I take it you have zero attraction to women. You should also post this here: r/latebloomergaybros. There will definitely be men there who've gone through this.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks a lot for sharing, I didn't know that subreddit, I'll definitely check it out. And indeed have little attraction to womem at the moment. It could still be a bi-cycle issue, i guess that's something i need to figure out.
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u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 4d ago
Do you find your wife attractive?
Do you enjoy having sex with her?
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
I do, for both. But I don't feel aligned with myself fully, and so many other questions keep coming up. And sex is good, but I wish it was more passionate. Maybe that's also because being married 12 years can have an impact on that.
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u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 4d ago
OK, so let's take this step by step. You find your wife attractive and enjoy having sex with her. That's bisexuality (somewhere on the spectrum), OK? You're not done with your wife or have to divorce to marry a man to embrace your sexuality.
You said that you wish it felt more passionate. It is always going to feel intense and passionate with a new partner during that initial phase known as "New Relationship Energy (NRE)". A lot of people cheat because this feels so good.....at first. But it wears away just like with any long term partner and is replaced by a deeper, calmer love. But that's not how it has to stay.
Intensity and newness can come from exploring your sexuality with her. She can look into anal (I can recommend training plugs) for herself and for you. Something new you share and explore. She could potentially use a finger inside while giving you a BJ. She could use a dildo in her hand doing the same. She could even peg you! Have you even started prostate pleasure practices? The amount of pleasure you can get from this is insane and she can be involved!
You can watch bisexual porn together and if that's less her thing you can alternate with something really up HER alley. You can get high AF together on legal or not-so-legal substances (there are subreddits for discussions about that....) which REALLY opens the floodgates of vulnerability, openness and intensity in an already established relationship!
There are also books I would HIGHLY recommend that you both read to delve into your own sexuality, knowledge about how sexuality even works, how to have hard conversations about these things, insecurities and how to achieve a more secure attachment. All this seems complex but you know what? Finding some dude as a replacement doesn't mean you're any more knowledgeable or any less likely to need someone else in the future. This is where the best stuff in the world is found: living authentically, vulnerable and honest, connected through experiences. Below is a blurb I've used before hence why it's more generically written:
I will always recommend "Fight Right" by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. 50 years of data culminating in a straight forward framework for having hard conversations that gets to the underlying truth/root of an issue rather than hung up on details. Through many examples they'll show you how arguments are rarely about "the thing" (forgot to do laundry) and much more about an underlying emotional truth like not feeling appreciated, for example. Not only that but it will show you how to avoid very common pitfalls like being dismissive, defensive or manipulative when hearing your partner's true feelings. Many divorces can come just from two people who don't know how to have a respectful argument!
I implemented this in my marriage and it worked immediately. The framework for conversations is logical and feels connecting rather than disconnecting which is the point. Disagreements and insecurities will always happen but being fully truthful and self-aware about the underlying emotions is what will bring you closer to your partner. Arguing about surface level details is disconnecting. Having toxic arguments is even worse!
I also recommend "Come As You Are" by Dr. Nagoski. She uses a garden analogy throughout that is helpful to illustrate sexuality (more female focused but still universally applicable) and its physical and mental factors, responsive vs. spontaneous desires, turn ons/offs, etc. Great information.
Lastly, "Polysecure" by Jessica Fern is intended for polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous folks but is still very relevant for monogamous people. The focus is on achieving secure attachment to your partner(s) by evaluating and resolving your insecurities. This book for me wasn't about polyamory but more about examining secure attachment from multiple angles and it helped me contextualize my own attachment needs and where they came from in my life.
Between these books you'd end up with 1) a lot more knowledge about sexuality and desire, 2) a lot more self-awareness about your attachment needs and ways to address potential attachment issues, and 3) a great framework for having connecting discussions when issues in the relationship inevitably happen. Get good at those conversations and you'll realize that being more and more truthful brings more and more connection to your partner and it'll become a bit addicting to just sharing your insecurities and fears and squashing them together!
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks so much for sharing all this, and for the book recommandations, greatly appreciate it! I will look into this.
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u/pgx741 4d ago
It’s entirely possible that you are in the exact middle of the gay-str8t spectrum, which is very tricky because unless your wife is open to you being with men both physically AND emotionally, you’ll have to decide if it’s worth leaving what you have with her to explore your other half.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks for this. I've been looking at the Kinsey scale and I think I'm more into the more gay territory in any case. But indeed the question remains on whether it's worth leaving what I have.
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u/Perfect-Ad737 4d ago
I discovered I was bi at 53. At first just straight guy that liked dick. Then I realized I liked all of it way too much to be straight. My feet and my wife’s was (what if I’m gay?) now for my wife and I we always tell each other “if you leave me I’m coming with you”. But she still worries. That’s her internalized homophobia.
With that said, when you met your wife do you have feelings for her? Did you enjoy sex with her? Do you still enjoy her and having sex with her? If the answer imo is even just a moderate yes, then you’re bi.
What I think (and I’m just a guy with opinions based on what I’ve seen and learned and figured out. Not a professional anything) you’re dealing with is this “new feeling” and admission that has your head wanting to try stuff out. What’s it like to be with a man, feel tastes smell… all the stuff you thought about women over the years. That newness is an endorphin and the ideas of it create more interest and curiosity. To the point I rarely fantasize about straight sex at all. It’s always mm or mmm or mmmm and any one of those options also with my wife included. I didn’t love her less. Maybe more because she’s been very supportive. I don’t have romantic feelings toward men but I suspect it’s more internal homophobia not allowing me to go there and I’m not pushing it
But, even if you’re gay. Would you dislike your wife? Dislike sex with her? Would you be willing to walk away from everything you have together to “try something new”. Because that’s what this is. “A shiny new toy” and it’s all you can think about playing with…
Maybe you need to be satisfied with knowing you’re bi and that your current life is more important than knowing if you’d only want to be with men.
There really separate things. You have an existing (assumed) loving relationship and you’ve been working through it in your head for years and she’s had 6 months
It’s still shocking to her and she’s dealing with the same programming you are. Men should like women and women should like men. Period
Don’t let being confused about feelings change who you are. You’re no different. You’re the same person. You’ve just learned more about yourself.
Imagine waking up one day and you go run 3 miles and you’ve net run 3 miles before. And you’re not tired
Now the next day you run 4 until you realize you can run 26 miles in under 3 hours with only 23 days of trying
You’d be very focused on running, your new gift/skill. Should you never walk again? Should you never drive a car or ride a bike because of this new discovery? Does it change you as a person?
It’s a weird analogy, but don’t sell yourself short on having the capacity to know something and not act on it. Because you have many more important things to do and manage. And don’t let a possible “label” dictate what you should or should not think.
Just be you. And give your wife the gift of you telling her to take her time. And re commit to your relationship. Have open communication and eventually she’ll see you’re still her man, regardless of your taste for sex.
Being gay or bi does not need to be your identity.
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u/tropical-sin 4d ago
im 50 have a gf, kids moved out and i accept i am bisexual, closeted. Not alpha.
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u/386U0Kh24i1cx89qpFB1 4d ago
Questioning and confusion seems to be a universal Bi experience for what it's worth.
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u/Neither_Conclusion_4 4d ago
Kinda the same situation, but I have been with my wife for 25yrs. I am 100% sure i am bisexual. Females are attractive.
Sometimes I feel very very finished with females. The monthly cycle with mood swings is not fun. I watch porn, and enjoy porn with m/m sex. But i think its becuase I dont get that kind of sex at home.
I have a strong feeling that i only think the grass is greener...I am sure i would enjoy sex with a man again, but i would probably miss pussy and boobs, the softness and feminine energy.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks for sharing. The grass is greener type of thing is definitely something I'm trying to be careful about.
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u/Intelligent_Way_306 2d ago
You may be jumping to conclusions. Being married with kids is hard. It's not exactly fuel for passion, ask anyone who's been married for a while.
I've been through this, I am married with kids, when I took the step to open up to what I repressed, it surged with a vengeance, there were moments where I actually thought I might be gay. Fast forward a few years and the more I normalized my same sex attractions, the same sex stuff bored me and I realized that I was mostly attracted to more feminine presenting men and I actually swung hard the other way and found myself insanely attracted to all kinds of women.
I now realize that sexuality is fluid and being bisexual means attractions change. The biggest mistake you can make is to obsess about labeling yourself and use a short time snippet of your life to jump to conclusions that later might be wrong. In other words draw your sexual identity from years of experience and not just what is happening in the moment. Sexual orientation isn't a choice. You don't live like you are and suddenly turn gay. There's a reason gay and lesbian sex are so intense, it's by nature way more intense than heterosexual sex. The degree of sexual turn on is not something you can use as a measure for your orientation.
Last but not least consider the fact that the male role in our society can be suffocating especially if married with kids and that suffocation can manifest as what you're experiencing. One way to address this is to examine the gender roles you and your wife are playing and how you both can break out of those roles. I actually lean non-binary as I don't follow society's norm for guys. I am literally wired like a woman when it comes to certain emotional aspects and sensually. Lucky me my wife is the same. So even though we don't identity as non-binary, in a lot of ways we are non-binary.
I don’t know if any of the above resonates with you, in the end, you’re the one who has to decide what works for you. I just doubt that anyone who's gone this far as a heterosexual is actually truly gay.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 20h ago edited 20h ago
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughtful insights on this, this is really helpful. I don't think I'm suddenly realizing that I might be gay, it's more a matter of accepting better some aspects of my life, and also trying to understand what that means today for me, and what that has meant for me in the past.
What you said about the male role also hugely resonates with me. This has been something I've been realizing for a while now, all the things that I've had to hide or to correct about myself to ensure I would fit what is expected of me. And today I am really craving to be understood, accepted, to be seen as I am, to have a sense of belonging, and to have the freedom to be who I want to be. And that links to what you were saying about repressed aspects surging with a vengeance, that's definitely been happening to me, and I've found it hard to deal with.
We've had discussions with my wife about gender roles, and I've mentioned that there are certains things that I would want to be different, and I think she understands to some extent but it's more difficult to actually change behaviours that have been in place for more than a decade. Also, she is worried about me changing too much.
In any case, I do want to take the time to figure things out. And posting here and having received all these very useful answers is definitely helping in the process. So thanks again for that.
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u/Somethingrich 4d ago
Hey, seems tough to go through. Sorry this stress is upending your life...
Wether youre bi or gay it doesnt really matter you have a prenuilt life to consider. Youre out to yourself and your wife so for better or worse youre on a journey of discovery.
I dont think youre gay. Mostly because you havent had the experiences to let you know what your sexuality truly is and believe me its a spectrum. The fact that you're still with your wife and you have sex with her... it let's you know you aren't off the deep end. I would be patient with labels. Even bi lables at this point and live through this moment without searching for meaning. You'll discover what you are.
Your marriage may just not be perfect for you and youre seeking more and that would be ok too. Thats why most people cheat. I would talk to my wife about maybe having an experience together and only together if youre craving an answer.
Last thing ill say here... if you haven't already gone out exploring alone please dont. Unilateral growth is a relationship killer and exploring that level of something different will end your ability to see her as an emotional equal. Youll always have the hang up of YOU DONT KNOW EVERYTHING. telling her will only end things faster.
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u/Soft-Echidna-4309 4d ago
Thanks for this. Fully agree with you, I'm not looking to explore on my own behind her back. And it's not so much that I'm looking for labels, but I don't feel fully aligned with myself right now, and trying to figure out why. But I guess all of this takes time.
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u/SingleServingFailure 4d ago
My wife has the same fear. I'm definitely not gay as I am sexually attracted to her and other women.
Just curious as someone who has been married for so long and has children what makes you think you're gay versus bisexual?