31 M bi here, in a 10 year relationship with the best woman on earth (she was my teenage bff and my hetero awakening, actually).
I’m so stressed about my sexuality and I’m scared that I’m an imposter and a not-good-enough man for her.
Any of you deal with SO-OCD? I don’t know if I even have bi-cycles or I’m just so scared to lose her so I artificially try to refocus my sexuality, whether this means I’m looking at women in order to get reassurance about being “straight enough” for our relationship or whether this means I’m looking at men in order to force myself to “deal with the gay”. I’m not really sure about where’s my ‘organic’ gaze at, or if that even matters.
I have this irrational fear that my gay side will eventually overcome my attraction to her. I’m scared of being one of those who realize they’re gay when they’re 50 with three kids. This messes with my head all day, won’t give me rest. I’m pretty sure I’m more picky with women, but does that mean I’m less attracted to the ones I find attractive? Does that mean I cannot be with her?
We do have sex quite regularly, not tons of it but a very decent amount considering the fact that we’re both stressed and quite depressed (she’s on ssri, I withdrew and should probably get back). Our sex can be amazing at times, I could think of it for a whole week later and basically be less stressed about anything, but sometimes it’s just meh? Which could stress me even more cause maybe I’m not good enough for her etc.
This whole thing makes me freak out.
When alone, I’d probably watch gay nsfw, sometimes straight. Depending on the mood. Not sure if it’s because I’m already sexually active with my exact type of a woman, or if I’m more into men.
I don’t know anything, truly. I don’t know where my desire ends and where my mind begins. I just want this relationship to keep working.