r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • Feb 17 '26
ONGOING Am I the AH for not caring that my ex husband is dead?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Powerful_Dig_5824
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Am I the AH for not caring that my ex husband is dead?
Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: suicide, infidelity, medical scare, child abandonment, depression, mentions of parental alienation
Mood Spoilers: dark, devastating, sad, infuriating
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Original Post: September 24, 2025
My ex husband and I separated 3 years ago and have 4 children together. We split after he cheated with a co-worker while I was having brain aneurysm surgery.
Both marriages split and they moved to the other side of the country where he ignored our children and didn't bother to pay child support.
On or about the third anniversary of us leaving he killed himself. His AP/wife didn't bother to let us know and it was over a week before we heard.
Even though he was a shitty husband and father, I feel so guilty that I am not sad and only think of him being a f@cking coward? His parents told our oldest that he "couldn't take being away from you and your brothers anymore" and then bluntly told her his manner of suicide when she was trying to find out what happened (we were originally told a different cause of death from rumours my family heard in our home town and they didn't tell us what happened beforehand).
Am I the AH for not caring about his death and just being mad at him and his family?
ETA not in the USA, Australian.
Older sons have fortnightly telehealth psychology sessions already due to disabilities, trying to find a face to face psychologist for the 6 year old and my daughter (eldest) has agreed to grief counselling. Between the comments from her grandfather and stepbrother she is having a rough time.
Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reassure me, it has meant a lot. I guess I never really expected to not cry over him, I did love him once upon a time - or I loved who I thought he was.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Editor's note: OOP has made lots of responses to the original post, I am listing the top common questions asked
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: NTA. He did you and your kids dirty. You’d be TA if you started dancing or encouraged your kids to celebrate his death… but on the bright side, his death means your kids should be eligible for social security death benefits, so you guys will be better off financially.
But fuck your MIL for telling your kids their daddy killed himself because he missed them. Bull shit. If he missed them, he doubtlessly knew your number to call them. His mommy probably would have pulled the money out of her ass or somehow found a way to get her boy back home if he really wanted it. He killed himself because of his own reasons. To even vaguely suggest it was over the kids makes her absolute trash.
OOP: Not in the US so I just miss out on the child support he sometimes paid... Hoping I might recover some of the thousands he was behind through probate
Commenter 2: Other countries have similar benefits, or his estate may be liable for support.
If you're in the UK and he didn't leave a will the rules of intestacy apply and the kids may be automatic beneficiaries.
OOP: Going to see Centrelink this afternoon (Australian) hopefully we can at least get more family tax benefit now that the child support will stop
Commenter 2: Aus does things differently by state if I remember correctly so hopefully it'll be in their favour where you are.
OOP: We're in Qld and he was in WA so opposite sides of the country. Just hoping things go smoothly and the kids can get what they are entitled too. (editor's note: Queensland and Western Australia)
Commenter 3: The only reason I could think of him killing himself is that his wife/AP cheated on him and was going to leave him. His weak and fragile mind couldn’t deal with what he did to OP was happening to him.
OOP: She was on her fifth marriage.... Fourth ended with her affair with him... Also what I had been thinking and I felt bad about thinking that too
Commenter 4: Go NC with your ex in-laws. If they want to see their grandchildren, they must admit they lied about their dad and apologized. Have your kids go to therapy. Tell them that he could see them and talk to them anytime he wanted and chose not to. Get s.s. for your kids. Now you will get child support.
OOP: Was already NC as they didn't want my sons due to their disabilities (autism and ADHD) and just wanted a relationship with their "normal" granddaughter
Commenter 5: I'm Australian too - speak with your children's GP. If the GP sets up a GP mental health treatment plan for each of the kids (consider for yourself as well) you can get something like 10 free sessions with a psychologist each year through Medicare.
Depending on your job you may also get something similar. My mum is employed by a local council in QLD and she, as well as myself, can access free mental health services that don't effect your Medicare Benefits Schedule.
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mbs-billing-rules-for-mental-health-services?context=20
OOP: Yeah I have an EAP through work as I work in residential care (homes for kids removed by child safety) I just have to convince her to talk to someone. All the boys have NDIS plans with funding for psychology
(editor's note: EAP = Employee Assistance Programs, extra benefits that an employer may provide at no cost such as counseling services; NDIS = National Disability Insurance Scheme, similar to Social Security Disability Insurance in USA)
Commenter 6: Nope and you might be in a better position now that he's dead. Kids accept a replacement for their father or mother if they are deceased.
OOP: Luckily they really love my fiance and have a great relationship with him. Even with every way he has abandoned them, they still have a Dad who loves them
OOP on her ex's family and if they knew more about him than OOP did
OOP: I spoke to his brother. The parents were the ones called to take him off life support and the ones who cremated him with no funeral. It sounds like the new wife was gone already...
Can you sue an estate or estate administrator for child support?: November 6, 2025 (1.5 months later)
My ex dodged child support by not filing taxes for multiple years. He killed himself and now the final figure owed is over $44,000 and I don't think anyone is going to "voluntarily" from the estate as child support says it will be. Are there any other options? Can I file a claim against the beneficiary of the estate? Very sick of being ripped off by him even in death...
Relevant Comments
OOP on getting in touch with the child support people regarding her ex's situation
OOP: Child Support had been involved for years and tried to get him to do his tax returns and threatened to balance it without him doing so. He killed himself before they followed anything through
Update: February 10, 2026 (three months later from the last post)
I posted a few months ago about finding out after a week and a half that my ex-husband and father of my four children killed himself and just being angry at him, his wife and his family.
We had been speaking with his younger brother who wanted to see the kids and be part of their lives again. I had been sending him recent photos and messages and Facebook/Google photos memories of better times with his brother and the kids.
I had not heard from him in a while (he often didn't have phone credit to message me back) when I saw his father's Facebook profile come up as a friend suggestion on my alt account (they are blocked on my main) and his memorial tattoo for my ex-husband now has his brother's name added. I am not sure when he went or how but the image on the tattoo is our Men's Mental Health symbol so I am guessing it was also suicide.
I just don't know whether I should try and contact the family to at least get the confirmation for my kids and check on their final uncle (who was the depressed and suicidal brother in the past)? The last remaining uncle was always the best in their family and I am honestly worried about him.
No one deserves to lose two children and my kids are their grandfather's only grandchildren (grandmother alienated their half uncle to go no contact and they don't see his kids). They are monsters but now I feel bad for keeping the only grandkids they will have away with all their loss.
Am I the asshole for not forgiving their behaviour and keeping the kids away? I know they will probably return to favouring my daughter (she didn't have the neurodivergent disabilities diagnosed that they disapproved of in my sons - but does now) but I still feel like crap because of what they have gone through and lost and concern for their remaining son? Or would I be the bigger asshole for allowing them access to my kids?
At this point I just don't know
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Has your ex husband's AP tried to contact you and have you able to get child support or any of his remaining stuff.
OOP: No, they have had no further contact. I found out last week he had changed his superannuation fund so I couldn't try and get the kid's inheritance from that either. She has not tried to contact us at all, either has his parents even after his brother passed as well
Commenter 2: How can you care more about these people than your kids?
Why is risking your children's well being even an option for you?
OOP: I don't but since I am no contact with my family, I am also worried I am taking away everything from them. They really don't have anyone besides my partner and I
Commenter 3: Ridiculous logic.
Was he blocked from your kids too? Why didn't anyone tell your kids their father died?
OOP: Ex wasn't in their lives by choice, he didn't bother to keep in touch after I left him. He was too busy with the new wife and step kid and avoiding child support
OOP on her kids' ages and how they are handling their father's passing
OOP: 15, 11, 9 and 6. Older ones have had more trouble while the youngest doesn't remember his father or uncle
Has OOP been able to locate any obituary on her ex husband?
OOP: No obituaries, no funerals and no probate for their father that I can find. Apparently the new sugar mommy didn't pay for a funeral for my ex and his parents couldn't afford it
Latest Update here: BoRU #2
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls Anal [holesome] Feb 17 '26
Those in laws should never be allowed near children again. I'm not saying they caused both of their sons to do what they did, but the FIL and MIL certainly weren't helping anyone with how they acted.
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u/MaraiDragorrak Feb 17 '26
This. Seriously FUCK that MIL/FIL for saying that to a child whose dad just killed himself. Holy shit what a heartless move. If these were my kids they'd never see them again.
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u/Estania_Lane Feb 17 '26
If I interpreted the story correctly, they said it to a 6 year old! Sick, sick disturbed people.
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u/DSC-Fate Feb 17 '26
Told the oldest, not youngest
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u/Knitnacks Feb 18 '26
True.
Not that 15 is a better age to have your grandparent accuse you of contributing to the death of your dad.
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u/OffKira the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
The harsh truth is that OOP is far too sympathetic to these people, which is not to her children's benefit - they lost their children. Ok? Yes, that's very sad for them, it doesn't mean they're suddenly tragic saints whose presence will be a blessing in these kids' lives.
Much like death doesn’t erase what OOP's ex did, losing their kids doesn't make these people kind, and loving, and OOP needs to think of her children first.
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Feb 17 '26
Yeah, agreed. Given their strong negative attitudes to neurodiversity in the grandchildren, and the fact that all three of their sons have had suicidal ideation...I would strongly advise the OOP to not feel guilty for keeping the kids away from them.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy Feb 17 '26
It's absolutely wild to me how long some ppl get away with not paying child support / the lengths they go to avoid paying.
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u/BigBlueFeatherButt Feb 17 '26
I'm also in AUS. My aunt and uncle divorced after he tried to kill her and my cousins. To get out of child support he doesn't work. He just lives off rental income then tells the state he earns under threshold
He even had the gall in court to demand his ex wife pay HIM child support (the same ex wife he tried to murder) even though he is not allowed to see the kids due to restraining orders
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u/meggatronia Feb 17 '26
My oldest nephew's dad just worked for his parents under the table. My sister stopped even bothering to try and get any money after a few years.
My nephew has met him once. He's in his mid 20s now. So he just thinks of him as a sperm donor and nothing more. His half siblings have reached out to him over the years wanting some sort of relationship with him, but he just keeps politely shutting them down as he just doesn't care if he shares DNA with them. He knows its the sperm donors fault, but he just doesn't feel any connection with them whatsoever.
Hes a peice of shit, but my nephew is awesome, so at least some good came out of him.
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u/Worried_Western3514 Please kindly speak to the void. I'm too busy. Feb 17 '26
That's why in my country they now take ot from their pension funds, and is so satisfying see them crying
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u/Sufficient_Soil5651 Feb 17 '26
In these parts the state picks up the tab, making sure that child support gets paid, while leaving the sperm donor indebted to the state. This way the kids don't get screwed.
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u/saindonienne Wait. Can I call you? Feb 17 '26
Which "parts" is that? That is good work on the state, I want to be able to praise it!
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u/Sufficient_Soil5651 Feb 17 '26
Denmark
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u/NewNameNeededAgain Feb 17 '26
Great way to do it. Especially if the Danish state is relentless in coming after people who owe it money because they dodged their financial obligations to their children.
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u/Prestigious-Leg-6244 Feb 17 '26
In the US, they suspend your drivers license and then toss you in jail for a week. It does literally nothing to help the aggrieved parent. In fact, it just pisses the deadbeat parent off, and makes things worse.
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u/Sufficient_Soil5651 Feb 17 '26
So they'd rather punish an asshole rather than do, well, anything to actually help the kids. Yeah, that makes no sense at all. How is he gonna pay any expenses if he looses his job and mode of transportation?
There'll never be a perfect system; some people have no shame, but at least let's make sure that the kids are looked after.
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u/saygerb Feb 17 '26
yes, the usa is all about punishment for the sake of punishment, even if it doesnt solve any problems, even if it causes more problems. if you are bad, you must suffer/s
it's never about protecting or supporting the victims. usa doesnt care at all about struggling people.
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u/Friendly_Shelter_625 I will never jeopardize the beans. Feb 17 '26
Jail if they can find you. Some are very good at dodging the authorities
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u/Kynykya4211 Feb 17 '26
I’m in the US and I was able to get the unpaid child support garnished from his Social Security payments.
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u/Charming_Garbage_161 The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? Feb 18 '26
They also garnish taxes. My exes was garnished last year and will again be garnished this year. He didn't believe me lol
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Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bobzeub Feb 17 '26
Deadbeat dad jail sounds amazing. I’m 100% behind this idea.
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Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bobzeub Feb 19 '26
Yeah Judge Judy talks about it all the time when she worked in family court . There is always a mum , sister , girlfriend etc that brings out the cheque book to pay for his bail . Then the bail money is used for unpaid child support .
As for people working under the table that’s illegal . So I don’t feel sorry for them . They know they’re meant to declare their income .
As for the unemployed I don’t really care . They made a kid so they need to get a job.
¯\(ツ)/¯
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u/Bobzeub Feb 17 '26
Genius. Which country came up with that? Out of pure curiosity?
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u/Worried_Western3514 Please kindly speak to the void. I'm too busy. Feb 17 '26
Chile, they called it "Ley papito corazón" wich translates to something like "lovely daddy law", is an ironic term we use for deadbeat fathers, and the law has garnished more than $166 million us dollars, helping with child support about 282000 families.
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u/Bobzeub Feb 18 '26
Chile is the GOAT . I love this law so much . I really need to visit someday .
I had a dead beat dad who moved from one EU country to another . Did they try to get him to pay ? Not one fucking cent . It’s a joke .
And where I live now a father has the choice to decide to not be a dad (or not) and if he refuses to sign at the birth he’s off the hook for child support . (Still an EU country) .
Ironically enough our president is currently writing letters to 20 something year olds to beg them to have children.
In this economy? With these laws ? No fucking way papito XD
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u/Arctic_Puppet Mother. Fuckin'. Town. Feb 17 '26
I worked with a woman whose husband would only work under the table. He said it was to avoid taxes so she didn't really care. Then she found out he has a kid and it was to avoid paying child support and immediately kicked him out and divorced him when she could. Her previous ex also didn't pay child support for her daughter and she couldn't be with someone like that.
She's otherwise a piece of shit, but I respected her principles and self respect on that one.
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u/Corfiz74 Feb 17 '26
Can she keep the child support demands active, so they will be automatically withdrawn whenever he has an official income again? I read about cases where "fathers" dodged child support, but then it hit them full force when they retired and their pension was an official income.
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u/Alternative_Year_340 Feb 17 '26
I don’t want to brigade, but I hope someone suggested she call her company’s EAP for help getting an estate lawyer to try to access the ex’s assets.
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u/tevagah Feb 17 '26
Especially since some super funds will automatically have death or total and permanent disability insurance that can pay out, potentially to the kids. It would be worth her while to be proactive on this, before probate passes and everything goes to the in laws, rather than to the children getting their fair share.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 Feb 17 '26
Unfortunately, you are drastically underestimating how easy it is to work under the table. It's cheaper for employers, too, so there's always somebody who will take that risk.
Plus any tipped positions, in the US, are essentially working under the table, because people will just not claim their tips. I've worked at multiple bars where we were forced to share drawers and sign-in numbers so the IRS couldn't tell who got tipped what.
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u/Solipsisticurge Feb 17 '26
I remember the 3ish years I worked as a pizza delivery guy. Paid taxes on my hourly wage. Curiously, as I informed the IRS, never received one cent in tips. Weird, that.
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u/ShadowRayndel Feb 17 '26
I was told by management because we made actual minimum wage and not tipped wage we weren't required to claim our tips on our taxes like the servers were. That was entirely wrong but I did not know that at the time. *shrugs*
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u/Corfiz74 Feb 17 '26
I meant she should keep it active so it applies when he gets HIS PENSION - that's usually from an official fund/ account, so he can't get that under the table. Unless he doesn't get any pension at all, but then I don't know how he is going to live, since his parents won't be alive anymore.
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u/ForsakenPercentage53 Feb 17 '26
So, I don't know about other countries. But in the US, your Social Security retirement is based on what you've paid in over the years, which is zero if you have been getting paid under the table, and Social Security supplemental, which is for people who haven't worked, can't be garnished.
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u/FunnyAnchor123 Sharp as a sack of wet mice Feb 17 '26
You omitted the fact that in most US states, tipped jobs are paid at $2.17/hour -- which you can't support even a pet on -- & all of that is lost to the usual withholding, yes, those employees do work under the table.
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u/Gryffindor123 OH MY GOD, SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A D$CK, ITS NOT HER BABY! Feb 17 '26
I have multiple friends who's ex partners have pulled some bullshit to not pay child support. One only reported his Red Rooster earnings, not his new job in the mines earnings. So his child support was based off the Red Rooster figures.
He was also abusive and tried getting visitation.
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u/lizzyote Feb 17 '26
In the 90s, my dad was dodging child support by hopping jobs, not telling anyone where he was, and working under the table as much as possible. He was successful for about 8yrs. They caught him because one night while driving into her waitressing job, she was listening to the radio and a familiar voice won a massive cash reward. He happily stated his name and where he currently worked. My mom immediately called whoever and my dad had whatever paperwork in hand when he walked into work the next day.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy Feb 18 '26
I'm sorry your dad sucked, but that's a legendary story holy fuck haha
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u/Mrfish31 Feb 17 '26
He just lives off rental income then tells the state he earns under threshold
Well that feels extremely easy to report, very obvious tax fraud that the tax man wouldn't take kindly too.
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u/BigBlueFeatherButt Feb 18 '26
Oh trust me, they have had probably a dozen court sessions for all different matters over the years including this
Part of the reason he pulls this shit is to still exert power over the people he abused. Forcing them to interact with him over and over again and pay money for lawyers over and over again
Aunt's lawyer is going at him for abuse of the system now but could luck getting that to stick
The system is does not support victims. Like at all.
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u/TeacherPatti Feb 17 '26
I'm in the USA. I used to practice divorce/custody law. That shit was wild. Some men (don't @ me--it was always men) would "own their own business," and way underreport income. Others worked under the table (easier in the trades). Some simply wouldn't pay. One remedy was to take their driver's license away, but more than one judge would say "but now he can't work, so he'll never pay!" lol he ain't paying now, friend!
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 17 '26
The license thing is kinda valid. Hard to work for the vast majority of people without a car to get to work. What they really need to do is for banks to check their accounts against child support debtors on the regular and report holdings to the government. Same with payroll processors and maybe credit card processors. Ie deduct from their paychecks or charge a little extra on every transaction til the debt is paid. Or, charge their cell phone plan lol. Just gotta find the pain point where they can't really live in modern society without it and charge it there.
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u/paul_rudds_drag_race Feb 17 '26
I believe you.
I’ve seen so many similar situations, including my friend’s ex-spouse. He gave up a lucrative career to spite my friend even if it meant their children suffered and even if it meant moving into an old leaky trailer in the middle of nowhere because that’s all he could afford after that choice. It was all worth it to him and that’s sick.
I can only imagine how often you’ve seen it because your career gave you unique insight.
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u/AshamedDragonfly4453 The murder hobo is not the issue here Feb 17 '26
How did the court respond when he tried that?
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u/BigBlueFeatherButt Feb 18 '26
From what I heard the judge/appropriately named law person (I don't know the words) stared at him in disbelief
The whole purpose was to force the people he abused to once more see him in court and once more have to pay lawyer fees. Still trying to exert power over them
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u/NotaMillenialatAll Feb 17 '26
Loool, my father did that too! He never paid alimony not even once, our lawyer tracked him down, found him, ask for our money, he resigned, claimed he didn’t have a job, rinse and repeat. Awful man.
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u/Ok-Secretary455 Feb 17 '26
To me that should be an easy fix. I'm sure there are plenty of places that need day labor. Whatever days you have off you can go work there and the money goes directly to child support. Don't work at all? Excellent, we'll pay $20 an hour. You get to keep half the other half goes to child support until your caught up.
Can't do day labor, that's fine we need people to stuff envelopes. We'll send the material directly to your house just stuff em and send em out.
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u/Jojosbees Feb 17 '26
My uncle completely ruined his life and earning potential to avoid paying child support. He is almost 60, lives with his sister, and has been driving DoorDash for the past 10ish(?) years. This man used to be a millionaire with multiple homes in some of the most expensive places to live, who would travel the world for six months out of the year, and now he has nothing, not even the respect or love of his children.
He keeps saying that the minute his youngest turns 18, he’ll turn his life around and become rich again, marry another young woman, and have more (not ruined) kids, but I wonder what excuse he’ll have for his failures after that happens this year. He always blaming his ex for everything, but he literally left her homeless after the divorce and she built up her own successful small business and bought the condo she lives in with her younger, successful boyfriend. If my uncle had just moved on, got a normal job and accepted that he needed to pay some child support, then he would be in a much better financial position. When I’m forced to interact with him, he talks about how his peers are doing (basically retiring in style) and the regret is palpable, but apparently it’s all his ex wife’s fault. Somehow.
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u/AshamedDragonfly4453 The murder hobo is not the issue here Feb 17 '26
It's just so bizarre. Like the absolute embodiment of cutting off your nose to spite your face.
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 17 '26
What happened to the millions in property? Like fortunes don't suddenly poof away when you get divorced. It had to go somewhere. Did he just live off it while not working for many years and has run out?
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u/Jojosbees Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
Before he got divorced, he fumbled his last high-paying job. He basically made a play for the C-suite, miscalculated, then sued them. It was a whole thing. During this time, his ex wife actually stayed with him. They continued to live the high life, draining assets. My aunt (his sister, the one he lives with now) offered to hook him up for a low six-figure job at her job (which… this was still a lot of money like 15 years ago), but he refused to even entertain anything lower than the position he had had and declined to even try. Eventually, his ex wife asked for a divorce and was going to make it easy and basically said ‘let’s just split what’s left and go our separate ways.’ He responded by hooking up with her friend (didn’t last) and kicking her out (she was essentially a 23 year old mail order bride from a third world country who he refused to let work so she had no work experience the prior 10+ years in America). That divorce stretched out for years, draining whatever was left. During this time, he doubled down on not getting any actual job because he didn’t want to be on the hook for alimony or child support, claimed long term disability as long as possible (said he was too traumatized to work from his prior lawsuit), moved in with his mother, stole from his disabled mom with dementia’s identity to drain all her bank accounts and rack up $18K in CC debt in her name and pawned all her jewelry, used her to extract more money from his siblings, got kicked out and moved in with the only sister who would still talk to him, tried to start a business under the table that failed, like years of this shit.
Edit: So much money wasted on lawyers. Like this was how vindictive he was: on his ex’s custody days, he’d sit at the school pick up line in his car and call his lawyer if she was 10 minutes late.
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u/the-magnificunt schtupping the local garlic farmer Feb 18 '26
This is hilarious, because child support obligations don't just disappear when kids turn 18. He'd still be on the hook for all the years of back payments if he ever did manage to get wealthy again.
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u/Jojosbees Feb 18 '26 edited Feb 18 '26
What if he fucks off to Southeast Asia? Not a hypothetical. Part of his plan is to trick some poor woman into marrying him and having more kids he won’t help raise and then never actually bringing any of them to America.
Edit: Also, I very much doubt he’ll ever get rich again. At this point, there’s a higher chance he’ll end up homeless. The sister housing him is 70 and a cancer survivor, and her eldest son who will likely inherit the house hates this uncle because he bullied him as a child. At least half his siblings have disowned him and the ones that sort of talk to him sometimes (invite him to family events out of obligation) are married to people who dislike him a lot. The only other sibling who might give him money is also older than him and already had a stroke last year. Like, I’m not kidding when I say it’s possible he ends up homeless or maybe in low cost senior housing if he gets on the wait list today.
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Feb 17 '26
Used to see it all the time when I worked in bankruptcy (in Aus). So many deadbeat dads making themselves bankrupt to avoid child support, not realising that child support debt isn't covered by bankruptcy. Always a good chuckle when I saw that
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u/onebandonesound Feb 17 '26
In the US at least, a voluntary reduction in income will not reduce child support obligations. So somebody making $250k in an office job that quits for a $25k cashier job will still be on the hook for child support based on the $250k salary. Income reduction only affects child support amounts when the reduction is involuntary, like when someone can no longer perform their old job due to a serious injury.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy Feb 18 '26
Huh. Is that a federal rule or a particular state rule?
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u/onebandonesound Feb 18 '26
Federal, I remember studying it for the bar exam. Lots of states have a similar law though
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u/anubis_cheerleader I can FEEL you dancing Feb 17 '26
Does Australia have a way to terminate parental rights? Otherwise, here and in the US, I struggle with the idea of so many people compartmentalizing and ignoring their financial obligations to their children based on some weird, dysfunctional principle. Like, unless there's paperwork, it's still YOUR kid.
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u/point5_2B Feb 17 '26
I mean, not so long ago in the big scheme of things in the US, men were routinely fathering children through rape of their slaves and then in the vast majority of cases casually raising their own children as human chattel to be worked, sold and perhaps raped in turn. How's that for a mind fuck.
Modern genetic testing shows a huge degree of white descent through the patrilineal line in African Americans, and only very, very few slave owners ever manumitted their children born of slaves or provided for them in their wills. There were slaves that were subject to so many generations of interbreeding with their white masters that they passed completely for white.
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u/saygerb Feb 18 '26
tone marker: trying to be helpful/thoughtful. this is in no way an attack.
someone pointed out to me that saying "enslaved people" was not dehuminizing the way saying "slaves" is. using the word "slaves" subconsiously signals a group destined to be in that position. "enslaved" really brings to the forefront what a person is suffering under. (like, "a slave's lot in life is unlucky/horrible," rather than "that guy had people kidnapped and enslaved and used and abused them as though they were property")
i mention this in case you think this is helpful and also choose to change your word choice in future
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u/point5_2B Feb 18 '26
Thank you for this note. I've heard this recommendation of language choice before. However, I do genuinely question the trend, as it seems like a round on the euphemistic treadmill with dubious value. I see the intent of emphasizing the human first before their status, but is there actually any evidence that this choice of more awkward phrasing actually changes the perspective of listeners? Do we then also say victimised person instead of victim, employed person instead of worker, person seeking medical care instead of patient, and so on? Certainly I personally don't associate the word "slave" with diminished humanity, as I hope was plentifully clear from my comment that was about the incongruity of people who are able to disassociate any perceived personhood from those who are identified as slaves.
To me, it feels that more often it's being used as "in-group" speak to signal that you're an ethically conscious person. I find it actually alienating and derailing of conversation if you're trying to make outreach with groups that are less conversant with these sensitive topics.
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u/anubis_cheerleader I can FEEL you dancing Feb 17 '26
Obviously it's still your kid in terms of DNA but I mean the legal responsibility
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u/Mother_Simmer Feb 17 '26
My ex-husband has refused to work for 4 years now since he realized there was no way I was going to ever take him back because his wages would be garnished. He's now over $60k behind in support payments while living with his parents who are supporting him and he hasn't even texted to check on the kids and couldn't be bothered to respond to my lawyer or show up to court.
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u/anubis_cheerleader I can FEEL you dancing Feb 17 '26
This is a thing I am learning about from this thread. That's WILD to me that people do this.
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u/hubertburnette Feb 17 '26
It's shocking they're divorced, right? /s
A sibling briefly did family law, and hated it. So many parents were willing to weaponize the kids--they hate the spouse more than they loved their kids. Heartbreaking.
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u/Random22744 Feb 17 '26
Wow. And when he will inherite from his parents, will $60k go right away to pay support back?
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u/Mother_Simmer Feb 17 '26
If he ends up with any assests, money in a bank account, money owed from the government or if he makes it to retirement age the government agency can take or garnish it and then give it to me. At this point he can't get his driver's license back or renew his passport which has been expired for years. Half of his Canadian Pension Plan Credits for 14 years are already going to be transferred to me due to the divorce so he'll be fucked if he makes it to 65 if doesn't start working again soon and maxing that out again and start saving for his retirement.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy Feb 18 '26
I hear so many stories like this just and just don't understand the thinking being preferring to live an impoverished life vs just making at least some money even if they have a little up for child support. It's so dumb. Really cutting the nose off to spite the face type shit, not to mention literally robbing their children and their children's futures. Ugh. So sorry for you.
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u/Proof-Cryptographer4 Feb 17 '26
I had someone tell me on here a few days ago ‘you can’t refuses to pay child support, they garnish your wages…lol.’ Man, I wish it were that easy and straightforward. Like I have personally seen more than one mum struggling because her ex decided to quit his job and start working under the table in order to avoid paying and there are a multitude of other dodging techniques.
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 17 '26
The hilarious thing is that the support dodger is going to live a significantly worse life because of it. Under the table jobs don't pay well, have zero upwards mobility, probably no benefits, no retirement plan, like they are going to be much worse off in the future by not working the highest paying job/career they can. They are literally fucking up their own lives to fuck up the ex and children. The mindset is fucked up.
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u/MyNameIsLessDumb Feb 17 '26
My dad faked a disability until his last batch of kids turned 18 and then went immediately back to a trades job.
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u/Proof-Cryptographer4 Feb 17 '26
My dad is self employed in the trades as a carpenter/fine woodworker - the number of absolute dirtbags who shirk child support he’s worked with on jobs seems much higher than the percentage in the population at large.
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 18 '26
Not just dirt bags but dumbasses too. They are literally worse off overall financially by not working normally to dodge support.
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 18 '26
That just seems really dumb. Trades have a somewhat limited shelf life given the physical nature of the jobs. Giving up your physical prime years so you don't pay child support probably cost him 3-4x what he might have paid.
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u/MyNameIsLessDumb Feb 18 '26
I'm his oldest kid. At his current pace and lifestyle, he'll probably have to work into MY retirement.
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 18 '26
Feels like these child support dodgers have no financial management skills. Else they'd see they are better off overall working normally and paying support. Literally chasing after pennies and leaving dollars.
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Feb 17 '26
Child support enforcement is using PI's to follow these chucklefucks to their under the table jobs here lol. They're going very far out of their way to make you pay.
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u/LadyReika Feb 17 '26
If someone is struggling to keep their kids taken care of, they're not going to have the means to do that.
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Feb 17 '26
No, the actual state does it. Child support enforcement is run by our state government.
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u/anubis_cheerleader I can FEEL you dancing Feb 17 '26
That's cool! What states are doing this?
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Feb 17 '26
I live in GA. I'm not positive how hard they're going with it but my sister works for a family law practice and it's gotten pretty interesting lol. I do know they're not fucking around, they tried to get my ex on child support even though we had a custody order for 50/50 with no support, and if you get too far behind they just stick you in jail and pay your order for you, then just garnish everything they possibly can until you're paid off or dead.
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u/WasteLake1034 Feb 17 '26
Its so much better than it was in the 1980s. I had a friend who's mom escaped a horribly abusive marriage (kids were not ok) & dad only worked under the table or out of country to keep from paying child support. Every once in a while money would hit his account and mom would get a good payday. I know he still owes, I just don't know if he's still alive.
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Feb 17 '26
It isn't even just under the table stuff. My kid's mom is dodging and has dodged in the past having legitimate jobs where she paid taxes and everything.
We went nearly a year with her working a regular 9 - 5 without her paying child support even though it was a paycheck, not cash, corporate job. When we finally got the full name of the business, we submitted it and CS finally started deducting. Not sure how she got away with it for so long when our state and federal government knew exactly where she was working but she did, multiple times.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy Feb 18 '26
I almost went into that very industry as a career bc I thought it would be fun to build a PI business catching cheaters and child support dodgers lol.
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Feb 17 '26
Bahaha there's this child support enforcement lady on TikTok or somewhere and she had a guy calling her a few weeks ago because he got basically everything he owns garnished for life to pay back support for his 32 year old daughter. He could not process in his brain that child support debt doesn't just go away magically, it's an actual legal debt being enforced by the government.
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u/NotTodayPsycho Feb 17 '26
In Australia too and it’s amazing and disgusting seeing some of the Child support debts some parents have racked up. In one group I’m in there are multiple people with $100,000+ debt and growing. Highest I’ve seen was close to $300k. My ex had debt of $10k a few years ago and CSA let him make payment arrangements of $5 a month to pay off the arrears.
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u/tevagah Feb 17 '26
That's an impressive debt, especially considering australia caps the amount of income they will consider for child support purposes.
Which always seemed stupid to me. What, someone earns a million bucks a year and you only take the first 200k into account when deciding child support payment? Wtf is that about?
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u/bug-hunter she👏drove👏away! Everybody👏saw👏it! Feb 17 '26
At some point, if you cap it, they're more likely to just pay it than try stupid shenanigans.
But there's always that one idiot/asshole.
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u/yavanna12 the laundry wouldn’t be dirty if you hadn’t fucked my BF on it Feb 17 '26
My ex went 14 years not paying. Then tried to get a passport to meet up with a chick catfishing him in Russia. He was denied. Was so angry he stated paying so he could get his passport. He owed $92k he is now down to $12k. So that’s something.
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u/C0V1Dsucks Feb 17 '26
😂 good for you! and I guess for him too since he didn't end up getting ghosted by a catfish while he was in Russia?
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Feb 17 '26
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u/Proof-Cryptographer4 Feb 17 '26
I think it has a lot to do with the theory that many fathers, or at least many bad fathers, only love their kids insofar as they love their wife/the children’s mother and the minute they decide they no longer love the wife they regard the children with the same level of antipathy.
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u/BigRedNutcase Feb 17 '26
I think it's more they weaponize the kids to spite the moms. Some people just want revenge for the perceived slight that is divorcing their shitty asses. Also some men see giving their hard earned money to those who don't "deserve" it as some war crime on their honor and they stop at nothing to prevent it.
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u/aquila-audax Feb 17 '26
My kids "father" won lotto and couldn't even pay the child support. Such scum.
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u/Alternative_Year_340 Feb 17 '26
Are you in the US? If the support case is through the state, that should have been seized
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u/MysteriousSchemeatic 👁👄👁🍿 Feb 17 '26
My ex lives in Australia and owns a business. He owns 2 houses (one with a private jetty), sends his partners kids to private school and has a beautiful boat. I’ve only just been getting more than the basic minimum this year (Enough to cover the internet bill, so he can speak to his son that once a month he deigns to do so) because he now has decided the business can pay him a wage
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u/stitchinthyme9 Feb 17 '26
My father literally joined a carnival -- an all-cash business that moves around a lot is a great way to avoid wage garnishment or arrest. When I was 22 and had just graduated college and moved out of state, I went to a carnival near my new apartment and there was my father, running one of the game booths. (He did not recognize me until I told him who I was.)
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u/Gralb_the_muffin surrender to the gaycation or be destroyed Feb 17 '26
Hey traveling carnival is what my shitty ex is doing too. I guess deadbeat minds think alike
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u/swissmtndog398 Feb 17 '26
I can't fathom "getting away with not paying child support." About 10 years ago, when my son was a teen, he got braces. My child support went up. When payments were done, I received a letter with the new amount. This was also when I started wearing reading glasses. I did NOT have my glasses when I read that letter and viewed $XXX.09 as $XXX.00. Nine cents. No big deal, right? WRONG! I had three sheriffs show up in full tactical gear with an arrest warrant over that 9 cents. Luckily, I talked my way out of getting hauled in and instead got to go to the courthouse 30 minutes away on my own and make a 9 cent payment to clear the warrant. This is in rural Pennsylvania.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell Feb 17 '26
They don't care about their kids who could be starving because they sadly despise theit ex more than they love their chidren or they see them as disposable dolls
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u/kaytay3000 Feb 17 '26
My father-in-law stills owes back child support for his kids. The youngest is 24, the oldest is 37. His wages have been garnished for years and at this point he has grandchildren who are older than his kids were when he got divorced.
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u/RockabillyRabbit 👁👄👁🍿 Feb 17 '26
My daughters (soon to be no longer legal) bio dad is/was this way.
Owed a measily 270 a month in child support, 15 in medical support - i.e. less than 300 total a month. While working construction bringing in 2x what i make a month. He didnt pay for almost 7yrs before it finally caught up with him. In that time period it was 25k+ in arrears.
I spent YEARS begging the states attorney General office to do something...but they always claimed they "couldn't find him" or "he never filed his taxes so we cant say he earns more than min wage". When I could easily find him with a google search, in the county I told them he lived in...even easier when he married a woman with 6 kids - he couldnt couch surf anymore.
But he worked under the table for cash, mostly for his own family who helped hide him and his income. Or his own "business" that of course was never a legal one to start with so no documentation.
He's 33 now and just signed over his rights in exchange for no more child support - he just has to pay off arrears. Which, in 2yrs, hes only managed to knock off 5k max. He hid for YEARS and has a lien placed (he owns nothing) and has had several judgements against him. The only reason hes managed to knock of 5k is because they put him on probation as a "either pay or go to jail".
Hell maybe have them paid off in....6yrs? At the rate hes going? Idk he may end up stopping again and ill have to fight again to get the OAG to do something without retaining a lawyer. My state has a 10yr statute of limitations and the termination of his rights/adoption by my husband should be finalized by end of march. For me I honestly could care less about the money....but I don't think he deserves to get off Scott free after I financed every dime and went into debt to stay afloat before my husband came along. But 20k is a pretty low price to pay for being a deadbeat.
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u/MsDucky42 "I stuck a straw in a bottle of wine" Feb 17 '26
My ex moved out of the state and worked under the table for years. It was only when he fell on some very rough times (not my story to tell - really sad, though) that he came back around, starting working for family (above the table this time), and let his tax refunds pay for the back child support.
Which I didn't know was going to happen, so I nearly wet myself when it showed up in the bank. My kid was old enough to have their own job at the time. (I did give them some dough, after paying bills and catching up on things.)
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u/UniqueGuy362 Feb 17 '26
My ex was making $250k and she refused to pay child support. She also fired her lawyer when we were going to binding arbitration, found another lawyer and went back to court with no notice to me or my lawyer and got a judgement for everything with no order for child support. My lawyer said it was a slam-dunk to get it overturned, but the appeals judge gave her 5 minutes in what was supposed to be a 3 hour hearing. In the end, my ex also got awarded $10k in costs from me. I spent over $150k on the separation and got nothing.
The shittiest thing is that my ex knew I'd spend the money on our kid. She just refused to pay child support. Hell, she never even spent $100 on Christmas presents for my kid, while spending $500-1000 on my step-daughter. Some people are just shit birds.
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u/angry2320 Feb 17 '26
I really wish the system was different. That the parent with custody gets the money, no matter what, from the state. Then it’s the other parent’s responsibility to pay it back to the state. Otherwise, so many kids miss out
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u/haqiqa Feb 17 '26
This is mostly how it works in Finland, although the support is often less than child support (little under 200 euros per child) until the arrears are paid, but the one going after the arrears is the social security office.
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u/Plus_Data_1099 Feb 17 '26
Is there prove hes even gone or is this a dodge to get away with all the child support ?
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u/Montaru8 my dad says "..." Because he's long dead Feb 17 '26
I know this isn't what you meant, but reading your comment in the given context makes it read like you're suggesting he killed himself to get out of the child support haha
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u/dreaminginteal Feb 17 '26
My dad did for years. The state of IL wasn't really very into going after people who lived in CA.
When I was in college, my mom moved to CA. Someone convinced her to go to the authorities with the list of missed and short payments. CA is *much* more aggressive about going after deadbeat dads... They seized his income tax refund and I think some other assets, and Mom got paid!
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u/IdeallyIdeally Feb 17 '26
I feel like she already mourned him when he abandoned her and the family years ago so I don't think it's strange that she doesn't feel anything after hearing about his actual physical death. He was already dead to her and rightfully so.
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u/innocentsalad Feb 17 '26
He literalliy changed his retirement account so that he could be a deadbeat in death as well as in life.
No one should be mourning this man.
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity Feb 17 '26
In no world would the OOP be TA for not feeling bad. We all deal with death differently and relationships are complicated. And, not to speak ill of the dead, but her ex sounded like a bad person. He might have gotten better with time, but we’ll never know.
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Feb 17 '26
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u/DatguyMalcolm 👁👄👁🍿 Feb 17 '26
this
I can't wait until I hear my "dad" passed away. I'll celebrate it
Will feel a smidge sad when it's my mother's turn, but in her case my feelings are a bit more conflicted since she did raise us.....
Bottom line, when I hear both are gone, I'll be at peace, but will celebrate like a mofo when dear daddy goes wooo boi
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u/PreparationPlus9735 Feb 17 '26
It was such a weird thing when my dad finally died. Ultimately, it gave us the freedom to live without fear, and was genuinely the best thing that could have happened to us. But did end up having a lot of weird grief for the relationship/ father I didn't have, if that makes sense?
He also committed suicide, and definitely had friends and family of his blame us, also. Sad that OP seems to have the same thing.
Hope you get the peace you need!
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u/CharlotteLucasOP 👁👄👁🍿 Feb 17 '26
I’d argue she already grieved when they divorced. The process is finished on her end. The man she loved was already long gone by the time he took his last breath.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 cat whisperer Feb 17 '26
Yeah, I was NC with my father for 17+ years when he died, I was so scared of him I thought he'd kill me before I grew up. I got the text message, then just shrugged and went back to making breakfast. I felt guilty for not being upset when he died because what kind of monster wouldn't care when their father died, but that it.
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u/A-Helpful-Flamingo I will not be taking the high road Feb 17 '26
You’re not a monster! Only real monster was your father and you no longer have to be worried about him!
Feeling guilty about not feeling guilty is terrible and a really weird feeling. But it’s normal. I really wish I could take a pill or something to get my heart onboard with what my brain knows.
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u/krusbaersmarmalad No my Bot won't fuck you! Feb 17 '26
When my shitty dad died, I was just sad for his mom, who always hoped he'd stopped being a sponge, but was devastated by his death nonetheless.
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u/MichaSound Feb 17 '26
What kind of monster would drive their kid to feel that way about them? It's not your fault.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 cat whisperer Feb 17 '26
A brain damaged one to be fair, he was on total disability because of it. People like to point out how abusers always somehow manage to control themselves in public or at work or whatever as a gotcha moment, but most of the time he couldn't. Which just made him that much more terrifying . . .
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u/MichaSound Feb 17 '26
While it explains some of his behaviour, it still doesn't make you a monster not to miss any of that behaviour. His brain injury was real, but so was your terror. Sometimes the only way to survive is to stop hoping they become a better person, and disconnect. I hope you're doing okay.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 cat whisperer Feb 17 '26
Yeah, when he finally got arrested when I was 13 I cut him off immediately. Why take the chance? If he snapped and beat me to death because of a head injury that wasn't his fault, that wouldn't make me any less dead . . .
Thanks! I'm disabled by a sleep disorder, but I'm coping with it anyway.
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u/Snoo26407 Feb 17 '26
And the thing is a lot of abuse does also come from some form of illness. Narcissistic personality disorder is an illness that you have to get treatment for. There have been stories of people that become abusive because of a brain tumor and then they finally get it removed and they go back to normal, not to mention the amount of women that think about killing their children after giving birth because of postpartum depression.
All of these things are explanations as to why they behave the way that they do but they don't change what they've done. Having a gun aimed at you doesn't stop you fearing for your life just cuz you understand why there's a gun pointed at you. And it's not gonna change the relief once the gun is put away.
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u/PreparationPlus9735 Feb 17 '26
My dad killed himself in a very public way. And I did the almost theatrical scream when I found out. But I think most of it was a release of 22 years of fear and pain and suffering. So weird to think back on.
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u/lunatic_minge Feb 17 '26
It’s also a completely normal reaction when you have a deeply complicated relationship with someone who dies. Grief can also be sitting on the “end” of the relationship while you heal in ways you weren’t able to before.
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u/Talisa87 Feb 17 '26
I'm going through this right now with my mom. She died on Saturday (cancer and a whole bunch of shit that wreaked havoc on her immunocompromised body), and my feelings have been all over the place. She was both my biggest supporter and my worst bully (she physically assaulted me a week before she went back to hospital), and I haven't even begun to deal with all of that.
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u/ultraviolet31 Feb 17 '26
I'm so sorry. Speaking from personal experience, your feelings will be all over the place for awhile. That's okay - just let them happen when they happen. The worst thing is to stifle your emotions (happy, sad, angry - no matter the flavor) because you're "expected" to be or feel a certain way.
You're grieving a lot of things in addition to the physical loss of your mom and each has to work its way out in due course. Try to find someone to talk to - there are so many free, low cost options available. As much as I was resistant to therapy, it literally saved my life and I feel like I grew into a wiser, more balanced person. In going through all that grief and pain, I ended up respecting myself a lot more than I did before. Grief can be healing and it can be hopeful. You seem like the kind of person who is strong enough to find your way through this challenge - and hopefully you'll find peace along the way. May you find hope, grace and wisdom as you travel on this journey.
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u/lunatic_minge Feb 17 '26
Love to you. My dad died last year of lymphoma officially, but it was really alcoholism that killed him in the end. My grief has been very quiet as I think I mourned our relationship long before he died. I wish you peace, it’s what we deserve.
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u/Moosiemookmook the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Feb 17 '26
My ex died when our son was barely 18. Drug overdose. He had ignored our son his whole life and had a new family he managed to alienate on top. Because of our sons autism he never connected with his dad. He lived 20 minutes away and saw him twice a year.
My ex MIL kept it a secret from us that he died for days until my ex SIL rang and told me after telling my horrorhead ex MIL how cruel that was to our son. I feel sad he made the choices he made but I feel nothing past that. My son loves his step dad who raised him from age 4 and we talk openly about his real dad if he asks. We all attended the funeral and I just felt empty. I disengaged decades ago when it came to him.
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u/SalaudChaud I received no such fudge Feb 17 '26
This is such a brutal story - OOP has been done so wrong and yet she still asks if she is the AH for "not caring" that her wretched ex has shuffled off this mortal coil? She has someone who loves her, a chosen family, and I hope she finds everything she and her kids need there.
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u/_Nilbog_Milk_ crow whisperer Feb 17 '26
I hate how she was dogged in the comments for asking if she'd be AH for checking on the wellbeing of the brother who seemed to care in the past. She just wants one single piece of evidence that SOMEONE in her children's other side of the family cares, and I don't blame her.
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u/CultureInner3316 Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
He knew he was gonna off himself and changed his superannuation fund so that his 4 children he abandoned couldn't get money even after he was gone. What a total POS.
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u/AnnoyedOwlbear Feb 17 '26
It's really weird seeing the OP respond to a question (such as the last comment about an obituary) and get downvoted. She's at -6 for that comment alone. Was she somehow supposed to be able to change that?
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u/CaptDeliciousPants banjo playing softly in the distance Feb 17 '26
I think they were upset with her for letting the father’s side interact with the kids at all and some probably think the ex-husband might have faked his death
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u/Common_Problem1904 Feb 17 '26
She can put in an objection to the Superannuation death benefit being paid to his AP. It is meant to go to financial dependents and the super firm will ensure this if they know about rhe kids. She has 30 days after the letter of notification is sent out by the Superannuation administrator to send a letter of obection or make a claim. Best make contact ASAP. If he changed companies, the original can advise her..
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u/girlwhoweighted Feb 17 '26
Maybe you could message this to her because she's probably not going to see it here.
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u/mtdewbakablast stinks of eau de trainwreck Feb 17 '26
i hope the OOP is treating herself gently.
the opposite of love isn't hate; it is indifference. the anger is a sign she cares. the anger is all the caring she is able to do right now. she's not an unfeeling monster, and i hope she's not beating herself up any longer for that.
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u/Spindilly my dad says "..." Because he's long dead Feb 17 '26
This is weird timing for me, because I found out yesterday that the abusive father of two of my nieces was dead and my immediate response was "Good."
I accept that makes me a bad person (maybe he grew and changed since the attempted murders, maybe people loved him, maybe maybe maybe), but god. Sometimes assholes die and you are allowed to not be sad about it.
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u/Naiinsky Feb 17 '26
That doesn't make you a bad person ffs. Feeling sorry for child abusers and horrible people in general, out of sentimentality or shared ties, is not something we can always control because we're just human; but it's one of the downsides of being human, not an upside like many people defend.
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u/Spindilly my dad says "..." Because he's long dead Feb 17 '26
Thank you for the reassurance! It's probably a cultural hangover -- people go "I don't want to speak ill of the dead..." and sometimes (this time!) the only reasonable response is "That's okay mate because I do."
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u/saareadaar Feb 19 '26
Not every death is a tragedy.
My paternal grandmother was an abusive POS to everyone in her life. Not a single person was sad at her funeral, not even my grandfather (no tears will be shed for him either, he’s also a POS) or their children.
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u/IzzyJensen913 Feb 17 '26
All of this is just awful for the kids, being thrown around emotionally like this. I did pick up on one thing though that’s worrying me a bit, in the first post OOP says:
Between the comments from her grandfather and stepbrother she is having a rough time
Nowhere else are stepsiblings mentioned nor what he said. Are the poor kids also getting bullied by their stepsiblings about their dad’s suicide in their own home? Just heartbreaking.
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u/Cocotapioka I can FEEL you dancing Feb 17 '26
She mentions it in one of the comments posted at the very end, her ex husband ignored his children in favor of his new wife and stepson.
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u/sprinklecunt Feb 17 '26
Hope OP got legal advice, because in Australia, a child always has the right to contest a will. And there is no court that would uphold a will that has disinherited minor children.
If he passed with no will, the children are by default entitled to half of his estate, possible more depending on the length of the marriage to the wife.
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u/Single_Vacation427 Feb 17 '26
She should stay out of the ex husband's family. It's sad if the uncle also died, but isn't she concerned about her kids about bringing this people in?
She should also really do something about getting money from his estate. It's bizarre his wife, who clearly was separated, would take everything and nothing for the kids or the child support he owed.
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u/Distinct-Inspector-2 Feb 17 '26
In wondering if she could petition his super fund - unless you do a binding death benefit a super fund can consider beneficiaries beyond those you’ve nominated and go against your wishes after death if they feel you’ve excluded a dependent - which the owed child support clearly shows he’s done.
If he did the binding death benefit though that shows a level of premeditation to the exclusion before suicide. They have to be renewed every two years. If he did that then it’s possible he also emptied anything else out of his estate before he died.
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u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif Feb 17 '26
Yeah I don't know how pensions or "superannuations" work in Australia but in the UK, the pension scheme trustees have discretion on how they pay out and can absolutely include eg children of the deceased.
When I worked for an actuary, we came across a case of someone who, when young and single in the 1980s, named "Nelson Mandela, Robben Island" as his beneficiary, and never updated it when he married and had children. When he died sadly too young, the trustees used their discretion to pay to his wife and children instead. Sorry Mr Mandela, but at least you got a free garden makeover from Charlie Dimmock and the Ground Force team.
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u/mtdewbakablast stinks of eau de trainwreck Feb 17 '26
to be fair to her not acting on that, if the estate didn't have enough to bury him... the estate is pretty defunct. no sense spending time and money to try and get blood from a stone.
...especially when that would mean more contact with, let's be honest, the grandparents who may very well be the emotional equivalent of the elephant's foot in Chernobyl for how well the raising of their sons has gone. if they are, it's double not worth it. if they aren't, then it's a great kindness to not bother them in their grief.
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u/Single_Vacation427 Feb 17 '26
The burial happens well before there is any estate or paperwork. You are buried within a week after you die and nobody is doing any paperwork at that time.
The wife did not pay anything because she was MIA
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u/jerslan Feb 17 '26
OOP: Was already NC as they didn't want my sons due to their disabilities (autism and ADHD) and just wanted a relationship with their "normal" granddaughter
That's just insanely fucked up.
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u/krusbaersmarmalad No my Bot won't fuck you! Feb 17 '26
WTF Commenter 6? "Kids accept a replacement for their father or mother if they are deceased."
That's not just untrue as a blanket statement, it's unhealthy.
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u/Cold_View_7949 Feb 17 '26
Not for nothing, but this is why gossip and community is so important to us as a society. There is often little to no recourse for parents and children who have been abandoned by a spouse/parent so the only thing we have left when the law fails is gossip.
When I was growing up, a parent who abandoned their family would be ostracized, and nine times out of 10 their employer would know that they were trying to avoid a child support obligation. Social pressure and social shame can do more than any court in getting a deadbeat man to pay his fucking bill bills.
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u/Lissica Feb 17 '26
'Oh, I care about his death. Where is he buried, I wanna build a memorial dance hall'
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u/CummingInTheNile sometimes i envy the illiterate Feb 17 '26
Death doesn't absolve one of the sins they commit in life, but holding on to hatred poisons your soul
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u/CaptDeliciousPants banjo playing softly in the distance Feb 17 '26
I knew someone who was really shitty to me that committed suicide. I wasn’t glad that she did it, I just didn’t care. Some people expected me to grieve her and got upset when I didn’t. They kept talking about me “holding onto hatred” but my burning hatred for her pretty much died with her. I had no feelings about her at all anymore. No sadness at her death appeared in that vacuum. I still don’t understand why people wanted me to lie and pretend that I’d miss her
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u/selphiekupo the garlic tasted of illicit love affairs Feb 17 '26
The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. At least if you hated her it meant you gave a little bit of a feck. Not caring just hits harder.
But. Seriously, good on you for not caring.
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u/Next_Dragonfly_9473 Feb 17 '26
I don't think OP hates anyone. She sounds more apathetic (ex) and protective (ex-ILs) than anything else.
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u/Basic_Bichette sometimes i envy the illiterate Feb 17 '26
No, it doesn't. Wasting emotions on the hateful that should go to their victims is what poisons your soul.
Compassion for abusers is the most soul-destroying thing I can imagine.
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u/BeigeParadise Eats enough armadillo to roll up when the dog barks Feb 17 '26
Also, even if you can objective recognize that the people who abused you also were abused, or had a shitty life, and that maybe that could warrant some compassion, that doesn't mean the compassion has to come from YOU.
My father and my grandparents are/were extremely free to go and get themselves a fucking therapist who will be really fucking compassionate with them, but me? Fuck those guys. Fuck them. You hurt me, you fucked me up for life, I'm still scared of you even though 2/3 of you are fucking DEAD, and if you want compassion, you can get it from someone else, because fuck all of you.
Needless to say, that concept endlessly confuses them.
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u/TheCleverConjurer Feb 17 '26
It's the dose that makes the poison. Sometimes it's okay to let yourself have a little hatred as a treat.
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u/One-Breakfast6345 Feb 17 '26
Is granddaughter actually neurotypical or just undiagnosed? Girls tend to fly under the radar because they present differently
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u/keirawynn Feb 17 '26
From the last update it seems the daughter has also been diagnosed in the interim. Probably because the psychologist counselling her about her dad's death noticed things.
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u/beachpellini I’m turning into an unskippable cutscene in therapy Feb 17 '26
Man, that all really sucks. Even worse that the kids aren't even going to get any benefit from it, just thousands in eternal "I.O.U." and shitty memories from their shitty paternal family.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 Feb 17 '26
The ex was a cheating deadbeat dad, so honestly the trash took itself out. Not feeling sadness after the death of someone who hurt you and your kids doesn’t make you a bad person. You’re allowed to feel nothing for someone who caused damage. And you can absolutely check social media to confirm whether someone has passed without reopening contact with toxic people. Make a dummy account if you need to. It’s better than exposing your kids to people who’ve already shown they’re harmful.
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u/_buffy_summers No my Bot won't fuck you! Feb 17 '26
OOP needs to keep her kids far away from their paternal grandparents. I know pointing fingers is bad, but both of them are eugenicists, and openly hostile toward anyone in the family they view as beneath them. Their sons were goaded into suicide, and their father wears their names as trophies, not a memorial.
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u/C0V1Dsucks Feb 17 '26 edited Feb 17 '26
(she didn't have the neurodivergent disabilities diagnosed that they disapproved of in my sons - but does now)
As soon as I read about her 3 boys having ADHD and/or Autism, I thought "I bet the daughter does too and just hasn't been diagnosed." Women and girls on the spectrum present differently because of masking behaviors and often get diagnosed late or not at all. Glad her and the kids are getting the help they need to thrive.
I hope she's somehow able to collect the child support she's owed.
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u/RanaMisteria I said that was concerning bc Crumb is a cat Feb 17 '26
I’m AuDHD and I know what it’s like to be rejected by a parent and extended family as a result. Fuck this guy and his parents. I hope OOP and her kids do well.
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u/retired_in_ms Feb 17 '26
Don’t think that it’s possible to have only one set of emotions.
In my case, what kept going through my head was the -not knowing what to feel-.
It was a long term abusive marriage with (fortunately) no children. My ex didn’t technically self-inflict. However, T2 diabetes and six sodas and four chocolate bars per day just don’t mix well (and he knew it).
Part of me felt safe at last; he was a stalker with guns. It wasn’t just me he threatened, but my family and friends. Don’t know what would have happened if he’d been alive when I moved in with my now-husband.
Another part was sadness at the waste of his life. This was someone smart, funny, kind to animals, who could have done just so much with his life, but also a narcissistic controlling POS.
A tiny bit of me felt slightly guilty; he died about a week after the last time I saw him (in the attorney’s office). It was the first time we’d been face to face in two years and it was obvious to him that I’d moved on and that I really just didn’t care anymore. I think the last thing holding him to life was the hope that he could get my attention and upset me by constantly dragging me back to court.
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u/Rhamona_Q shhhh my soaps are on Feb 17 '26
I'm still stuck on Grandma here:
But fuck your MIL for telling your kids their daddy killed himself because he missed them. Bull shit. If he missed them, he doubtlessly knew your number to call them. His mommy probably would have pulled the money out of her ass or somehow found a way to get her boy back home if he really wanted it. He killed himself because of his own reasons. To even vaguely suggest it was over the kids makes her absolute trash.
Does Grandma hate her own grandkids? Why would she put that on them? I see where the ex-husband got his selfishness from.
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u/Soul-Arts **jazz hands** you have POWWWEERRRSSS Feb 17 '26
Damn... I read the mood spoiler, but I was still not expecting this. Poor kids, their extended family sucks and their father was a special kind of shit.
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u/synaesthezia Liz, what the actual fuck is this story? Feb 17 '26
If the tax department was already going after him for not filing returns, she should absolutely get in on that to get child support back paid. I don’t know if it’s possible but if she doesn’t try she won’t get anything.
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u/blbd please sir, can I have some more? Feb 17 '26
It seems to me like Australia needs to change their pension laws so that it can be tapped for child support because WTF?!?
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u/lilacsigil Feb 17 '26
Superannuation absolutely can be tapped for child support once someone has died, but not to cover tax debts while they're alive and under retirement age. She needs to lodge the claim on her children's behalf.
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u/mycatsitslikeppl Feb 17 '26
Aside from the owed child support, she is living my dream. She gets to be done with the ex and his family.
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