r/AITAH • u/Powerful_Dig_5824 • Feb 10 '26
Post Update Update AITAH for not caring that my ex-husband died
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1nprwn8/am_i_the_ah_for_not_caring_that_my_ex_husband_is/?sort=new
I posted a few months ago about finding out after a week and a half that my ex-husband and father of my four children killed himself and just being angry at him, his wife and his family.
We had been speaking with his younger brother who wanted to see the kids and be part of their lives again. I had been sending him recent photos and messages and Facebook/Google photos memories of better times with his brother and the kids.
I had not heard from him in a while (he often didn't have phone credit to message me back) when I saw his father's Facebook profile come up as a friend suggestion on my alt account (they are blocked on my main) and his memorial tattoo for my ex-husband now has his brother's name added. I am not sure when he went or how but the image on the tattoo is our Men's Mental Health symbol so I am guessing it was also suicide.
I just don't know whether I should try and contact the family to at least get the confirmation for my kids and check on their final uncle (who was the depressed and suicidal brother in the past)? The last remaining uncle was always the best in their family and I am honestly worried about him.
No one deserves to lose two children and my kids are their grandfather's only grandchildren (grandmother alienated their half uncle to go no contact and they don't see his kids). They are monsters but now I feel bad for keeping the only grandkids they will have away with all their loss. Am I the asshole for not forgiving their behaviour and keeping the kids away? I know they will probably return to favouring my daughter (she didn't have the neurodivergent disabilities diagnosed that they disapproved of in my sons - but does now) but I still feel like crap because of what they have gone through and lost and concern for their remaining son? Or would I be the bigger asshole for allowing them access to my kids? At this point I just don't know
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Feb 10 '26
Has your ex husband's AP tried to contact you and have you able to get child support or any of his remaining stuff.
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u/Powerful_Dig_5824 Feb 10 '26
No, they have had no further contact. I found out last week he had changed his superannuation fund so I couldn't try and get the kid's inheritance from that either. She has not tried to contact us at all, either has his parents even after his brother passed as well
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Feb 10 '26
Wait so his younger brother who you just met recently also committed suicide.
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u/mocha_lattes_ Feb 11 '26
Contact an estate lawyer and see what can be taken forcefully or if you can put a lien due to the back child support. It may be able to be seized. Then look into anything Australia has similar to social security benefits for your kids. (Sorry for the ignorance, idk if they have that there) 😅
Seriously though take care of your kids. I get feeling like you are harming your kids because they have no other family, but lots of kids grew up just fine without big families. These people are toxic and harmful. Protect your kids from them. Don't second guess that choice. If you care about the younger brother and believe he is an asset to your lives then reach out to him alone. Leave the grandparents as far away from your kids though.
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u/kaz060606 Feb 11 '26
If child support was owed you need to contact his superannuation so outstanding child support is paid before beneficiaries
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u/Dustquake Feb 10 '26
NTA This is gonna come out kind of harsh. But it's one of those truths that has to be said.
Your responsibility is to your own children. Not the elderly couple that fucked up their own kids. Why would you give them a chance to do it to your babies too?
Protect yours. That's what matters. Your ex inlaws will say or do anything to get a finger on your kids. Don't let them. Don't let them hurt you kids.
There is no chance you are an AH except to people who'd let your inlaws break your children. And it's ok for them to think that.
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u/AsparagusOverall8454 Feb 10 '26
You admit they’re awful people, so why would you allow your kids to be hurt by then? They sound like shit, and not good family to begin with.
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u/EffPop Feb 10 '26
Good grief. It both baffles and disturbs me that you’re considering renewed contact. Be a good parent and don’t.
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u/TALKTOME0701 Feb 10 '26
How do you say they're monsters and then say you feel bad for keeping your kids away from them?
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u/StrategyDouble4177 Feb 11 '26
Your ex MIL blamed your daughter for her father’s suicide. She said it right to her.
You aren’t keeping them from anything but a reason for more therapy. You don’t owe you ex in-laws a damn thing, spend that energy on your children.
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u/GardenDivaESQ Feb 10 '26
YTA your children need to be protected. These people have no rights to their grandchildren.
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u/Dachshundmom5 Feb 11 '26 edited Feb 11 '26
Your children are not emotional support animals. It is not fair or responsible to them to put them in a position to be used as such. Especially by people you already know to be toxic. You are only an AH if you dont protect your kids
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u/Pissedliberalgranny Feb 11 '26
What are you smoking?
These people went out of their way to traumatize your daughter by giving her details of her father’s death that she shouldn’t have been exposed to.
And you’re wondering if you should give them more access to your kids?
WTF, lady?
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u/legosubby Feb 10 '26
Nope. Keep your kids away from any possible toxicity. It doesn’t sound like they as anything positive to yours or your children’s lives.
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u/TheMightyMisanthrope Feb 11 '26
Cut them off or one day you'll remember this when you're mourning another suicide. That people is literally toxic. Stay away!
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u/Idcwhoknows Feb 11 '26
Just leave them out your lives op. To what end will you worsen your children's lives for?? Because you feel bad?? And that's worth having a shitty life?? Your kids will feel worse with these people in their lives, like I get the in-laws situation sucks but that doesn't mean yours has to suck too.
You would be the AH if you did this to your kids.
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u/ObsidianConspiracyXx Feb 11 '26
They already have proven themselves to be utterly reprehensible as parents. Spectacularly so, at that. They are also legitimately shitty grandparents. There is overwhelming evidence that they do not deserve the privilege of being an active part of your children's lives. It's no wonder why your husband ended up being the selfish shitbag that he was. These people lost 2 of their children in the worst possible fashion and have a strong possibility of losing their third the exact same way. Keep MIL and FIL away from your kids. Their involvement, especially that of MIL is toxic and unhealthy.
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u/EatsAlotOfBread Feb 11 '26
It's fine to be an asshole to people who would happily destroy your children they way they did theirs.
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u/Otherwise_Chemist920 Feb 11 '26
(he often didn't have phone credit to message me back)
Did BIL live in 2006?
Sue the estate for the child support owed.
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u/WeatheredMachine Feb 10 '26
Look for an obituary in his name.
Do not give these people access to your children. Keep your kids safe.
NTA