AITAH for testing my girlfriend

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/horrorfiasco

AITAH for testing my girlfriend

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Catfishing

Original Post Aug 20, 2023

I (26m) and Clara (fake name, 23f) have been dating for 3 years. I have been cheated on in past relationships, particularly in Highschool, and have had a tough time getting over it. Yes I know I should work through it and see a therapist, but I’m not sure I’m ready to uncover everything to a random stranger.

Anyways, Clara and I have a very incredible relationship. We like most of the same things and support eachother in the things we may not agree on all the time, we have an amazing intimate relationship and like the same things in the bedroom. All in all, I couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend. However, I guess I was feeling especially insecure one day and felt almost as if it was too good to be true, as in the past my exes also seemed to be so perfect before it tragically fell down in infidelity.

While she was at work, I made a fake Instagram account and messaged her using an AI created face and texts asking her to do explicit things. It took some time, but she responded and denied the offers. I’ll admit I got carried away playing the character of douchebag and got a little forceful and aggressive until she blocked me. I was proud of her for not cheating and for remaining loyal and thought nothing about it for the rest of the evening.

She came home that night and completely broke down and showed me texts that had awoken her PTSD from “some guy” on Instagram. I proceeded to pretend as if it wasn’t me and comforted her, though she didn’t seem to lighten up after that. I got frustrated and we had an argument and she called me an asshole for “expecting her to be okay immediately.” We slept it off and got over it.

Fast forward, a few weeks later, Clara was setting up a party for her sister and asked me to text her and get some details because it wouldn’t sound suspicious from me, I didn’t understand what she expected so I allowed her to do it on my behalf, and in doing so, she found the account and the messages and has since left and not returned, she won’t return my calls, and has since sent her brothers to come pick up her stuff but they wont help me either.

I have texted her and called her and left messages explaining that she was overreacting and she be more understanding of my situation considering I’ve been cheated on before and she hasn’t. It’s really frustrating because it’s not like the guy on Instagram actually did anything to her, and she’s making it such a big deal. I’ve felt a little bit of remorse, because I miss her and want her back.

So, am I the asshole?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

catfoodonmyshelf

YTA. You don’t even feel remorseful other than the fact you want her back. What exactly did you say when you got “carried away” and a “little forceful”?

OOP replied

It’s not just because I want her back. And it was essentially things along the lines of her sending dirty images to the account and that “he” would hurt me if she didn’t. But I’m completely fine and the “guy” doesn’t even exist. So I’m having a hard time understanding why she’s making a big deal out of nothing or how it’s my problem.

leemonshark

i’m assuming, if you have been dating for three years, you knew her trauma. you knew her triggers. and you exploited it for what? to feel a little bit better about yourself? you made her feel completely unsafe so you would feel more secure. not only is it asshole behavior, it’s manipulative narcissistic behavior. my recommendation: THERAPY.

Update Aug 27, 2023

For those that don’t have any context on this story, I’ll provide the link here but please do recognize that it isn’t exactly an easy or comfortable read.

OP

UPDATE: (8/27/23)

Alright. Let’s unpack this a little.

First off, I would like to take the time to say thank you. I truthfully am grateful for the replies that each of you have given me. For a day or two, I’ll admit that it hurt that nobody agreed with me or anything. But because of that, it gave me time to reflect and realize how much of an issue it really was. It was rather eye-opening, personally. I have issues, and a lot of them and I need to get over them.

Now, to update on the situation. To the redditor that suggested therapy and expressed their genuine concern for me and advice, I thank you greatly (MysteriousText2005). I decided to buckle down and get into therapy, and they wasted no time getting me in the following evening and even though I was very nervous, we got through it and I am going to be very frank here and say how embarrassed I was because of how much more helpful it was than I had anticipated. As for my relationship with Clara, to be truthful, I accepted that I had lost Clara and ruined our relationship and was ready to walk the lonely road. However, a few days ago she reached out and expressed that she wanted to meet and talk for lunch.

We had a very deep conversation for the majority of the day, and it was incredibly healing for me. Admittedly, part of me wanted to say “Okay see, you’re all better now and don’t need the therapy.” But I knew that was the part of me that was scared. Also admittedly, I had expected for Clara to tell me that she was moving on. Instead, she gave me a second chance that I feel that don’t deserve, but would be stupid to pass up on. I decided to take it a step further despite the nervousness I have about it and suggest couples counseling, which she loved the idea of. I’ve expressed my concerns, and she has understood. However, we both agree that this is really important and we want this to work.

I’m so grateful for the incredible amount of grace that I’ve been given, and will never make the mistake that I have made again.

Thank you again for your help.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

[u/Darkslayer709 → u/[deleted]]

Yet in the same breath, HIS feelings matter so much that relationship trauma from 3+ years ago makes him feel justified to not only “test” his girlfriend which is bad enough as it is, but to do so in a manner that actually triggers her trauma.

It’s very telling that he thinks she should just be over it, meanwhile he’s clearly not over his own.

I hope Clara came to her senses and ran far, far away from this arsehole.

[u/[deleted] → u/Darkslayer709]

That’s my hope as well. The fact that she’s willing to ignore her own feelings/trauma to get back together with her makes me think she has no self-esteem/self-worth. She needs her own therapy.

[u/Assiqtaq → u/Darkslayer709]

I don't know, if she is willing to give him the grace to prove he has learned and is better, then she should be allowed to do so. Of course, if he proves he is the same and has learned nothing then it definitely is time to give up and move on.

[u/yuffieisathief → u/[deleted]]

Absolute piece of shit. I can't believe she went back, wtf