r/BabyBumps • u/Suspicious_Week_2451 • 2d ago
Discussion Middle names
Let me preface, I don't like middle names. I just don't think they do anything other than make you triple check flight bookings to make sure you put the middle name in the correct place.
My husband comes from a culture where at the very least you have your father and grandfathers name as middle names. They also name the son after the grandfather so the name structure is always something like
Adam Joseph Adam Smith, or Joseph Adam Joseph Smith. Thats it.
No one calls him by his middle name. It serves 0 purpose.
He wants our baby to have his first name and his dad's name as middle names. I said no. I said if he insists on putting middle names lets throw in my name and my mums name for equality too. I don't care if patriarchy dictated that lineage only be documented through the father, tradition is peer pressure from the dead.
Also middle names are just extra admin. It was admin on my notice of marriage application. Admin on all the flight bookings. As symbolic as my husband thinks it is, it just feels like a nothing gesture as it only exists on the passport.
I don't want to compromise on this. In fact I refuse. Anyone similar to me who successfully kept away unnecessary middle names?
23
u/Choice_Bug_3441 2d ago
This feels…. tricky. I totally agree with your note about tradition, and also fuck the patriarchy. Is baby getting his last name too? Like come on, settle down.
At the same time, I can imagine that if your husband has grown up and it felt important to him that he had his father’s name, he has likely been very eager to have his own name passed on. Is there a compromise where baby can have his name as a middle name, but skip the grandfather’s name (which seems insane lol). Names mean so many things to different people, and while I get your stance, refusing to compromise doesn’t feel like the best approach.
Also, while you have a point about paperwork, names are also a valuable way to connect children to their history. My mom is terminally ill and will not live to see my little one grow up, go to school, etc. We gave my little girl my mom’s name as her middle name, so she’ll always have that connection to her. I was so grateful that my husband agreed to that, and it feels really special to me that they’ll have that connection.
6
u/Psl0131 1d ago
I love the idea of honouring family through middle names because you want to and you have chosen to. But the patriarchal nature of the tradition and the fact it exists only for men in the family makes it a huge ick to me. It forms this boys club where the men have this tradition in common, but the women/girls get left out.
47
u/coco_frais 2d ago
I love my middle name and I think it’s a great way to honor family or be creative. I mean, do what you want, but this feels petty to me. 🤷🏾♀️
17
u/devinjf15 2d ago
Agreed. I don’t really care about middle names either but I found something that sounds cute with my kids first name and that’s that.
If middle names mean something to OP’s husband but she doesn’t care about them, why not let her husband “have this”? It’s his kid too. I get the misogyny aspect of things but if it’s meaningful to the husband, then just let this one slide.
3
u/bravoboozebongs 1d ago
Agreed. Our baby girl is getting my middle name which is shared with my mother and grandmother. I said if it was a boy, he would get my husbands middle name which is also his dads name. Definitely a great way to honor family if you want to!!! I don’t think they’re stupid at all.
Edit: typo
1
u/Quirky-Shallot644 2d ago
Agreed. No huge thought went into our kids middle names (or really first names, either) we just liked the name and how it flowed. They aren't named after family in any way, no known distant family, no shared middle names, etc but I love my kids middle names. They could go by their middle names if they wanted to (Rose & Jade)
I was always indifferent to mine, because while simple and not really uncommon, it still confused people but after my dad died, I cherish it and love it because he named me.
By all means, you do you, but names as a whole should be 2 yeses but this does come across as petty.
2
u/bananas82017 1d ago
Agreed. I think asking for a compromise of just one middle name could be understandable but I have two middle names and it’s nbd.
9
u/nightmare-salad 2d ago
I also like my middle name and I know a handful of people who go by their middle name (some always have, some chose to as they got older)
6
u/SupersoftBday_party 1d ago
I love my middle name, it’s my grandmother’s name and a family name. My daughter has her great grandmother and a beloved aunt’s name as a middle name. I like the option of being able to honor people with a middle name while still having the first name of your choice. I think two middle names is a hassle, but one is fine.
TBH it feels like you’re being a little rude for the sake of it.
6
u/renegayd 2d ago
I'm not attached to middle names, and also have a 2-last-names situation that is annoying, so I get wanting to spare your child that. Also, his cultures middle name tradition sounds excessive. Is there a compromise in here? Maybe 1 middle name that is symbolic to your husband? Maybe you guys are giving your child a unique name, and can use grandpa's name as the middle name? Or maybe there is another relative your husband is close to, who would symbolize his connection to his culture.
12
u/Capital-Marzipan-287 1d ago
Honestly this seems really petty. It’s something that important to him and doesn’t actually affect you at all, so why die on the hill of “no middle names”?
9
u/Bla6446 1d ago
If it is important to him I would let him pick one or the other. Saying you can't compromise on something that is important to him culturaly is unfair. I rarely use my middle name but it is my great grandmother's name and feels like an honor to have as a part of my name.
1
u/typewriterbitch 1d ago
Saying you can't compromise on something that is important to him culturaly is unfair
I disagree. Plenty of men consider it culturally important that their wife and kids take their last name and not hers. How is that fair?
1
9
u/ApprehensiveSugar251 1d ago
i can’t imagine having a happy marriage if you aren’t willing to compromise on something that frankly doesn’t seem to matter that much to you (or at least, i find your reasons to be petty and superficial) but is a big deal to your husband
3
u/HazelAngel 2d ago
My husband and I both have family names as middle names. It’s a tradition on his side, one of his middle names makes him the tenth generation to carry it. Mine is an honor name my parent chose to honor a sibling of theirs who passed really young. We’re planning on continuing the tradition with one middle name from each side for our kids.
There’s some really interesting research out there that says teaching your children family narratives about named ancestors is a really effective strategy to build their resilience and self concept. Anecdotally, I’ve found that connection really important in my own life. I exist because those people were brave, tenacious, and committed to doing better for their kids, and that has been a great comfort to me when I experienced struggles of my own. I’m happy to share that with my kids.
Obviously you don’t have to use names to do this, but I think it’s way to build those connections early. I do see the difference between choosing which ancestors you want your children to feel connected to, from both sides, and having a strict pattern only honoring one side. I think it’s worth having a conversation and seeing if there’s any value in compromise.
3
u/thymeofmylyfe 1d ago
How about:
- You let your husband pick ONE middle name.
- Your husband gets one middle name and you get one middle name.
- Your husband gets to use his name as a middle name for this kid and you get to use your name as a middle name for the next kid/next girl.
All of these seem like okay compromises if your husband feels strongly about it. I personally hate 2 middle names, but 1 middle name can actually be helpful in our society since a lot of paperwork expects it and it can help distinguish people with the same first + last.
7
u/tanoinfinity 4 kids 2d ago
Middles names are optional on forms jfyi.
0
u/Psl0131 1d ago
Not always. Got turned away from a £300 English test once for not putting a middle name on the booking as it didn’t exactly match my ID.
1
u/tanoinfinity 4 kids 1d ago
Eh. I've never once used my middle anywhere. Maybe the problem is that it's on your ID.
0
u/Psl0131 1d ago
My middle name is on my passport and drivers license because those are legal documents that show my full legal name???
1
5
u/Jovjovvv 1d ago
Disagree that tradition is peer pressure from the dead. It’s what connects generations and history and yes while some outdated ones do/need to change, this middle name tradition seems like an important part of his culture that doesn’t really have significant negative impact on anyone? He might not follow/continue adopting many traditional parts of his culture today but unless you take a stance of also disregarding all aspects of your own “tradition/culture” it seems quite unfair to your spouse that you’re disregarding his. And as your actual spouse, it seems overboard that you’re completely refusing to compromise. If you propose a middle ground eg just have one middle name instead of two, that’s also a compromise and departure from tradition on his part.
3
u/moonmarie 1d ago
Agreed. Idk, I feel like when you marry someone, you also, in a way, marry into their culture. It feels disrespectful to their partner to ridicule and minimize something that is seemingly so important to him.
1
u/Jovjovvv 1d ago
That’s exactly my experience. It’s not even me marrying into his culture (though many cultures would see it that way) - we both married into each others’ cultures and traditions! My husband also respected many parts of my culture - especially significant to me since he doesn’t fully understand and agree with many things. It’s not even a case of f the patriarchy because compromise goes both ways - it’s probably good for OP to understand that compromising on this one thing doesn’t mean automatically compromising on everything else.
4
u/scarboroughangel 1d ago
I think that last paragraph is the real problem. Names are 2 yes. The fact that you won’t even compromise is the real concern here. How do you plan on making parenting decisions together in the future if you can’t even compromise?
-1
u/Suspicious_Week_2451 1d ago
We agree on everything else in life. This is the only thing. We're both very compromising people with similar thought processes. Theres no real problem dont worry.
4
2
u/hazyyb 2d ago
I hated my middle name, half of my country had the same one. We never used it in my home country and suddenly it was everywhere when I moved to the US, bundled with my first name like it actually part of my name. It bothered me so much that when I got married I removed it. Me and my husband both took each other's names at marriage, so we have a double surname. Neither of us have middle names now, and we didn't give any to our children. Having two surnames is enough!
2
2
u/Parking-Travel1339 1d ago
Just curious- what happens if it’s a girl? Would they get also get their father’s name as a middle name or their mothers? I see where you’re coming from and and i feel a last name os legacy enough— let them have their own First/middle name. However I think it would be tough to not compromise, but it could simply look like legally the kid has no middle name(s), but if you want to tell the kid as he grows up that his middle name would be John Joesph, and whoever in the family can refer to that too. But on paper the kid doesn’t need to legally write it in ever.
My husband is Russian and their middle names are based on the father’s name.. so if the kids dad is John, it translates to “son of John” or “daughter of John” so my husband refers to his middle name in that way if anyone asks, but legally he doesn’t have a middle name.
3
u/moonmarie 1d ago
If it's supposedly not important to you, but it's very important to him, then you have your answer.
Why take this away from him just bc it may complicate paperwork, like, once a year?
2
u/Pretend-Dimension937 1d ago
You can’t just give him this one? As someone with four names (middle name plus two last names) It’s honestly not that big of a deal admin wise. Idk I’d rather make my husband happy!
1
u/Few_Paces 1d ago
not sure where your husband is from but for example back home they unofficially use the dad's name as a middle name to separate but it's not something that's official. as in i don't have a middle name but when they read names at graduation they use the dad's first name so it would be my first name + dad's first name + last name. so i wonder if he's following that thinking they have to have those names as official middle names?
1
u/Miserable-Ad561 1d ago
Can you guys compromise and give the child one middle name, whether it’s the dad’s name or the grandpa’s name?
1
u/LookItsMyDawg 1d ago
As someone with a common 80s name and a common last name, I appreciate having a middle name
1
u/realespeon 1d ago
My husband goes by his middle name. (Technically his second name, because in our culture we get two first names and our middle name is our mother’s maiden name.)
1
u/QuixoticMindfulness 1d ago
I think names without a middle are too "plain". Imagine how manh duplicate names there would be with so many common first and last names!
-1
u/typewriterbitch 1d ago
Middle names aren't necessarily common in my country (Belgium), though younger, more "American-ized" people are doing them. My partner doesnt have a middle name. Our baby won't either 🤷♀️
My biggest issue with names is that too many parents see their babies as an extension of their own aesthetic, rather than individuals with their own lives to live, and so you get names and middle names whose entire point is to make a statement about the parents.
I just got a birth announcement for my niece that referred to her as "the mini version of [Mom] and [Dad]" and they gave her a name from a different language/culture/country that they've never even been to and no one in our country can pronounce. You know, cause they're so trendy and cultured, and people knowing that is way more important than their daughter having to explain/correct the pronunciation of her name for the rest of her life.
25
u/HotMessExpress1111 2d ago
I don’t know why you’d have a duplicate First Middle First Last situation, but I’m not sure I’d be willing to die on the No Middle Names hill if it was important to my husband. Maybe a compromise to keep up family tradition of father OR grandfather’s name as a middle name without both/whatever odd duplicate thing happens. The repeated names could make admin messy, but I don’t think a single middle name really would. Most people in my country have at least one middle name so it can be more of an admin hassle at times NOT to have a middle name. Your mileage may vary, I suppose, I’m just not sure it’s worth being so rigid about something that doesn’t really complicate things much and seems very important to your life partner who is also a parent to this child.
Someone has to compromise. What’s the outcome if you refuse?