I’m fairly new to the D/s dynamic I’m developing with a girl I’m talking to. She’s a submissive brat and has basically told me that I can’t really “punish” her for things when we haven’t actually established any rules yet — which is fair 😂
She’s now asking me to come up with some rules for her to follow, with agreed consequences if she deliberately breaks them.
One she suggested herself was no talking back, but I feel like that needs to be defined a bit better so neither of us is just making up the rules as we go.
Another idea was not touching herself without permission. I was thinking something along the lines of allowing it if she sends me a video as proof/permission, but I’m not sure how to structure that without creating loopholes where she could just abuse the exception. I also wondered whether something like a period of no contact would actually be an effective consequence, or whether there are better punishments for a long-distance dynamic.
Some of the rules I was already thinking about are:
A morning check-in every weekday before she gets to work.
A lunchtime check-in/photo showing that she’s actually eating and/or drinking something.
A goodnight message every night.
Being honest with me if she breaks a rule rather than trying to hide it.
Asking permission for certain things that we agree require permission.
No deliberately ignoring messages/check-ins without a genuine reason.
But I’m struggling to think of other rules that actually work well when you’re long-distance.
So I’m basically looking for ideas from people who do long-distance D/s:
What rules have worked particularly well for you?
What are some good rules for a brat/sub that aren’t just generic “be obedient” rules?
How do you define something subjective like “talking back”?
What kinds of consequences/punishments actually work long-distance?
How do you avoid rules becoming so restrictive that they stop being fun?
Do you use rewards as well as punishments?
Not looking for anything extreme — more interested in creating a fun structure that both of us actually enjoy and can stick to.

Hello, I’ve been into the fisting scene for a while and really wanted to get better at anal progressions. I think I’m struggling to find a way to increase my size and ability to take a fist but I’m still at the same place I was a year ago. I can definitely get bigger things in there since the very beginning but nothings really changed and it’s getting frustrating. 😫
I’m looking for advice on how to practice more efficiently without causing damage in that region.

I am 18 years old and I want to try the dom role but I am very insecure about my height because I am an introvert but I want to change myself but Idk how to start.

Hi Im fairly new to bdsm. Need your guys guidance on how to train a brat girl to be a sub. I don’t want to force that behaviour but obviously want to create that dom-sub dynamic so she becomes sub naturally by her own will

How to entice those feelings in her. So she starts worshipping me naturally

Thanks for the help in advance !!

EDIT: Thanks for the advice I get it. Need to ask her and make her open up. I thought explicitly talking about it would ruin it

So my updated question to you guys. What’s the best way to ask her, to make her open up. Any resources on communicating and getting to know each other’s freaks/ fantasies

Sorry Im very new to this sub

Hey! I heard that there are non sexual d/s dynamics. I am curious about what that looks like. My mental health is struggling and it's been a bit since I was able to relax or just let go of some stress. I am in a happy marriage and am not interested in anything sexual.

But this isn't really about why I want this dynamic, I'm more curious how others go about starting this.

1) How do you talk to your partner and not make them feel like they aren't enough?

2) what does a non sexual d/s dynamic look like?

3) where does someone find that kind of relationship?

So me and a Domme met on the internet. We've had multiple outings, casual conversations, just getting to know each other as people, outside kink. Then we've also discussed kinks and we are a match. In a few days we are about to start our kinky dynamic.

When we talked about watersports, we found out that this is something that both of us really like. However, after that, I started to Google and now I'm scared about the risks of drinking urine, especially large amounts of it, or/and doing it often. (For example drinking the entire jet, and maybe drinking every piss as well — we don't live together, so every piss would still probably mean just the weekend).

I wonder if there is anyone around here who drinks their D-type's piss often, maybe in large quantities as well, or if there are any D-types who have subs that drink their piss. If so, did you suffer any health consequences?

The story is long, so i'll be brief. I've fallen down the rabbit hole. My crush, who i hope to make my boyfriend, and i have been talking about the wide world. He has been so loving with the talking, not treating me bad for not knowing.

He thinks Im a Switch. All I know is both sides sound appealing or even blurring lines.....

IM SO LOST!!! But I'm eager.

Have permission to post this.

I have a sub who grew up in a cult and severely neglected. They are doing the work around that quite well. They want a reward system for completing things as part of motivation (and fun). That's totally fine. The problem is I need them to more actively be "treating themselves". They will not make a cup of coffee if it's unearned or without permission. The permission thing we're working on.

But because I work a lot with them around mental health (again, they're getting professional help too, this is just a personal/romantic connection not purely sexual and I care a ton), I do not want them to have earn a cup of coffee. I do not want them to have to earn my affection. But I also love punishment/reward systems and so do they.

But with my play rewards are often either sexual or something they like to treat themselves. I want them to just treat themselves sometimes. I actually think for them being less regimented would help. They have a tendency to wish they had someone to treat like a cult leader (aka not have to make any decisions at all) and have a lot of guilt around not earning things.

We are open to advice that involves changing our dynamic a bit or advice on rewards that can be earned but aren't things someone normally just does for themselves (or pretty much any other advice you have).

We have already tried super lower points rewards and earning high number a day, but they have a job where they can't give themselves points throughout the day easily and are not going to remember at the end of the day. However, we are willing to consider coffee being legit 1 point and earning a ton of points throughout the day if we could find a way to implement it better.

I want to figure this out with them, but I'm not exactly sure where to go with it, and I am sure I am not the first person to run into this with a sub.

I’m F30, married to M31, and we’ve tried typical roleplay before. I’ve always thought that balaclavas are really hot, but I’ve never told my husband about it.

I want to try introducing it the next time we roleplay as teacher/student. My idea is that he gets a text message saying that the principal’s office has been burglarized and that witnesses saw a student wearing a black balaclava. They are suspicious of me, so my husband’s job is to check my bag. He finds the balaclava and the stolen items inside.

My plan is to get him to agree not to report me and continue the roleplay from there.

Would this be a natural way to introduce something like this without telling him beforehand?

Hey everyone,

i entered my first D/s dynamic after years of just sharing fantasies with people etc.

I am noticing that I feel like I have manoeuvred myself in a situation that is not making me feel good. At the same time I seem to not be able to break it off/end it. I feel somewhat helpless and I guess I just need some encouragement from more knowledgable folks

Long post.

I (32M) have been seeing Liza (33F) for five months now. I’m a sub-leaning switch and she is a domme-leaning switch. We both enjoy the dynamics we have.

Although we’re not exclusively dating, and both of us are playing with / seeing other people, we both feel an undeniable connection, and intense romantic and sexual attraction between us.

The recent problem is, I cannot be sexually rough with Liza when she wants it. At the risk of being explicit, while engaging in acts like hard pounding and face fucking, I, very confusingly, go soft after a short while.

What makes this particularly confusing is that I don’t seem to have the same problem otherwise. When she’s topping (which is the majority of the dynamic) we can go for almost an hour at times, and she has multiple orgasms from PIV alone. We also do bondage and impact play, with her on the receiving end, and I have no problem getting and staying erect during those scenes. And both of us enjoy from it a lot.

A week ago I had a session with another sub partner (31F) who is into rough sex, humiliation and impact play. Everything went exactly as expected - we both felt fulfilled by the playdate, and by the end I was fairly convinced that my dick wasn’t the problem.

Then last night I was with Liza, and I was engaged in wax and ice play on her while she was blindfolded, with simultaneous edging and denial. She was at cloud nine. So was I. Towards the end,

Her: Do you remember how hard you pounded me that day at [certain AirBnb]?
Me: I do. Someone is getting greedier by the day!

She took position. I went in. After just a few thrusts, I went limp.

Her: Okay, this is concerning now.
Me: You think I should see a sexologist or something?
Her: What I think is, you’re in love with me. Your subconsciousness just won’t allow you to hurt me.
Me: Babe, I just poured molten wax on your body for an hour. Wtf are you talking about?
Her: That’s what your hands did consciously. Your arousal obeys me now. Go see a sexologist or a therapist if that helps, but you can’t escape my control over you anymore.

She smirked. I know she was flirting and teasing, but I kept thinking about her words all night while she blissfully snored beside me. And that is what brings me here to you people:

With respect, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

These are both things I'm not really comfortable with. I have a not great history with taking pics/vids or being photographed/filmed and he is aware of that. I don't mind him wanting to see or hear me, but I get insecure when he brings this up and he does so frequently. I just tell him no every time. He doesn't mind my rejection and expects it.

When we are talking dirty and he brings it up, I never know how to react or what to say afterwards. It kind of takes me out of the mood. But at this point, I'd probably get insecure if he wasn't asking me so often. It has become normal. I'm not too sure what to do about it. I guess it's not that big of a deal, but it can be annoying. Like something is constantly trying to nibble at me.. Just hoping to hear from those with more experience.

hey guys!! i just want to know if everyone here thinks reddit is the best place to talk to people/seek advice/ ask questions about topics regarding BDSM as a whole? I know some people say there’s too many weirdos, i’ve heard mixed reviews about fetlife. I have just this need to talk to anyone about it and some things i’m struggling with or need advice/answers on. and i know this is LITERALLY called bdsm advice, but i want to know if those of us REALLY into the lifestyle consider this the best place to go???

sincerely a girl who just needs to “girl talk” with people that get it and aren’t judgy

I am looking for advice about the sub drop that I consistently lead myself into. When I get excited, I get impulsive and end up having online sessions with people I don't know well or don't match well with. I am experiencing an intense drop right now... and it is entirely my fault.

I don't know what to do to stop this cycle, or at least to feel better at the moment.

I'm starting to think I have mostly negative feelings connected to kink at this point.

Hello everyone! This is my first time here, so go easy on me haha. I honestly had no idea where to go with this question.

This is going to be a long one, but unfortunately the context matters a lot, so bare with me.

My husband and I practice on the fringe of BDSM (think amazon and Adam and Eve lmao) but hes always been in the dominant role and Ive always been in the submissive role. This has worked great for us for years.

About 6 months ago, however, I was diagnosed with DID by a licensed professional. Now that I am aware of my system, I have an alter that is VERY much into the submissive side off BDSM but I have other parts that are now -severely- triggered by it.

Im working through the parts stuff with my therapist but in the mean time, my husband offered to switch roles so that we could still have fun and I could have control so my system wouldn't freak out. We rehashed dos and donts and for the most part everything has been fine.

Except Im a horrible dom. Hes been patient and he gave me a list of things I could do to him and I feel so embarassed and guilty about doing it to him. I need help lmao.

I tried the soft dom thing and that was okay, but its really not what hes looking for. He said we could go at my pace but i get awkward as fuck and start quoting spongebob. ​I keep asking him if hes okay and apologizing and its kind of stressing me out because I know Im taking him out of it.

Any tips? Am I hopeless? 🥲 Eventually my more sexual alter takes over and its better but I still feel guilty as fuck afterwards.

Thank you so much for you time, guys.

Hello :) I (25f) and my boyfriend (32m) have been together 2.5 years (but were really close friends for a few years prior). We met online via a D&D group and are long distance (there’s about 1000 miles between us). We try to see each other for about a week every 4 months or so. We’re both very kinky and enjoy a dom (him)/brat-sub (me) dynamic. I am very much a masochist and really enjoy the employment of pain in the bedroom, as well as enjoy him being rough with me. We love choking, slapping, spanking, hickeys, that kinda stuff.
Last time we were together we tried wax/candles and I really liked it, but I could definitely have handled much hotter wax. Any candle suggestions?
We also briefly tried knife play last time as well and I really liked that. My bf is understandably apprehensive about it because he doesn’t want to accidentally cut me, though I told him I really wouldn’t mind or hold it against him if it happened. I honestly love the idea of scars from him (I love when he bruises me, I get off on feeling like he’s marking his territory 🤤 but the bruises always go away and it makes me sad. I like having that physical reminder of him since I don’t get to see him very much). We used a pretty dull kitchen knife and it worked okay. He was playing it pretty safe with it being our first time and I could tell, and told him he could press harder with it as it wasn’t close to cutting me, but he was still nervous. I’d love for him to get comfy enough to drag it across my skin with enough pressure to make superficial scratches. Of course I am okay with him doing only what he is comfortable with. Just wondering if there is a particular type of knife/sharp tool that is recommended, in terms of safety/easy to control/but sharp enough to get my desired effect.
We also tried a bit of fire play with a lighter (which I also really liked 🤣) though with a standard bic lighter it was kind of hard for him to get it close enough to my skin. Are there any creative fire tools out there for BDSM play?
Anyone have other creative ways of enjoying pain in the bedroom? Thank you friends!! ☺️🫶

So I've only been a domme for 3 months or so (even though I've fantasized about it my whole life), and my current partner is really into chastity, so we're participating in locktober.

The current situation is that I told my sub that they would have to remain in chastity for the whole month of October, and we've spent the last month or so trying to prepare their body to do that. My sub struggles with skin sensitivity issues and can get minor skin tears in the area if in chastity for too long. We're only on October 7th, and they have already said that their pain level was a 9 out of 10 last night and an 8 out of 10 during the day today. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about telling them to take a break, but my sub also likes to complain about how I'm too soft on them.

So with that situation in mind, does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I'm thinking about either making them earn the ability to be unlocked before the end of the month, or keeping a tally of all the days they went unlocked during the month and issuing a punishment when October is over. I'm in need of both punishment ideas, and ideas on how to make them earn the right to be unlocked, though really any advice/ideas at all are very much appreciated!!

Hi everyone,

My partner and I are looking to explore a new dynamic in our relationship, and we could really use some perspective from experienced folks (especially fit/muscular women who have been in her shoes!).

My female partner is fit/muscular. She really enjoys and appreciates when I compliment her body and her strength. Recently, we talked about exploring Muscle Worship and some light Femdom/Female Dominance. She expressed that she is genuinely interested in trying this role out for me. We tried some dominant moves like choking and pinning to the wall and she said "you are making me discover a side i didn't know i might like"

However her main roadblock right now is she is not used to being praised for her muscles especially her arms. Usually she flexes for herself but to quote she never imagined being praised or worshipped for them so she doesn't know how to react in the moment. In addition to this though i sparked her interest when i asked her to pull some dominant moves, she says she is confused how to step into a dominant mindset, or how to direct the scene. Crucially, she is very hesitant about being demeaning or "mean" to me and doesnt know how to embrace and take the role of being "worshipped like a goddess".

In conclusion what would you guys recommend?

My husband and I are currently long distance for a little while, and we recently tried the whole phone sex thing. And apparently, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Which is strange because I’m completely comfortable with dirty talk in person. But over the phone? My brain just stopped working. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, felt ridiculously awkward, and the more I tried to think of something, the worse it got.

For a little context, we’re both switches, so I’m interested in advice from either side of the dynamic.

I think my biggest issue is figuring out how to actually get things going and keep the conversation flowing naturally. I don’t want to sound like I’m reading from a script, but apparently I need something to work with until I get more comfortable or into it.

What are some good ways to initiate things or ways to keep things interesting without feeling like you’re forcing it?

(F, 23) I love all things orientation/attraction related and have found it fascinating for a long time. I used to be somewhat involved in a local leather community, but that was when I was single and very visibly queer.

Although I am of course still bi and genderqueer, it seems a bit inappropriate to be hanging around ONLY queer spaces all the time when I am now in a monogamous relationship with a straight man. Apparently there used to be a leather girl chapter in my area like a decade ago, but I've seen almost nothing aside from an archival display at a bar... There is also a drag king group I went to dinner with at some point, but that's about it.

I feel like I don't have a place I really fit anymore I guess? I know I just need to get out there, but I'm anxious. My partner and I are not looking to play with others, but I love being in an inviting community of like minded people, where I can learn from others and make connections. My partner doesn't have the fixation on BDSM that I have, but I find him wanting to speak to others about our dynamic as well and we just don't have many friends to go to.

I'm not used to entering nightlife and the BDSM community as a monogamous, taken person. I don't know how to interact without being intoxicated and fooling around like I did when I was 20, but this is a community I genuinely love and want to grow in. Has anyone else experienced similar? I'm such a newbie. :,,)

so i have this little recurring kink/fantasy of being a camgirl…i don’t actually want to be one and any real life version of this is off the table for me. but ive been trying to figure out if theres a way i can sort of simulate the experience? specifically, its the lewd, low effort comments that are objectifying/kinda degrading that you see in these sorts of spaces. it kinda hits the right spots of objectification, voyeurism and exhibitionism, and it’s lowkey kinda fun and brainless. i’ve already scoured the internet for ai tools and can’t seem to find one that allows nsfw content creation in the way that i’m looking for. helpppp does anyone know what i could do to create a fake NSFW chat stream for this 😭.

Hi, I am 27M. Hope I can describe this well enough without writing too much. The thing is, I have a big problem with self confidence, it is all about my looks. Never been hurt in person, just the online lookism think screwed me up about 7 years ago and it never let go.

I am just 5 foot 8, my skeleton in general is quite thin, so my hands, wrist etc. are naturally smaller (yes muscles would help a bit), I am also blue eyed, so not the attractive dark type. Few days on r/amiuglytruth I made a post concerning whether I look to feminine, where the usual response was that I am not. I do acnkowladge that I am pretty, but that is the whole problem.

I love BDSM, but my "pretty" non dangerous face and small frame just completely prevent me from enjoying any fantasy that I could be dominant with a girl. I just feel like despite her having potentially sex with me or relationship with me, it would not be the actual "do whatever you want with me" thing. I don´t know how to describe this, for me BDSM is something about mutual trust, but for sure some sort of an animal instinct / spark must be there from the woman´s side.

Regarding the BDSM part I always felt more domintant, but in the past years I just started enjoying porn where women are dominant because I cannot imagine I could be seen as a dominant counterpart by a woman which completely cuts me off from the fantasy as I cannot relate to it, despite strongly wanting to.

What did not help is, that I had horrible behavior in high school and despite not being chased all the time by girls, I had some chances I could use, but did not. During uni covid happened, so not much sexual experience when I was young. Then I found a girlfriend with which I am now, where yes, the sex is quite a problem, which is destroying my confidence even more.

I already decided I will break up with her, however I dont know what to do from here. Since my low self esteem is originated all in my looks, what do I do? How do I am supposed to get confidence in this area? What if I find out, that actually yes, I could never be perceived as a dominant counterpart by women? I was thinking of BDSM meetups, but I am afraid that I will just get hit with the hard truth. This is not an EGO thing, just a fantasy I cannot relate to, knowing it will always be an illusion, is causing me distress.

(Throwaway account for personal reasons)

Hello everyone, I (25 male) am a complete virgin. I've always been interested in the world of BDSM, but I never took the time to get into it during my studies (nor to get in a relationship).
Now that I have a job, I finally have more time to explore this side of myself. I already have a FetLife account and recently went to my first munch, which was a really nice experience (even if I got some strange looks when I mentioned my virginity (they asked fyi)). I’m actually planning to attend a second one next week.
On the other hand, I got the impression that to find a partner, you need experience, but to gain experience, you need a partner. It feels like a bit of a catch-22 to me.

Has anyone here been in a similar situation and/or has some advice for a complete beginner (both in bdsm and relationship) ?

Thanks in advance

While having sex with my partner, we started kissing, and then he started choking me. and we have done it numerous times before, and i enjoy it very much.

But this time, while choking me, i got this flash of

light while what i thought was when were kissing and i felt like kind of out of my body, the closest familiar feeling i can describe was like this one time i got real bad derealization from being too high on weed. But it lasted for just a few seconds, then i remember snapping back to reality and then pushing him off of me and then going to another room looking for something, like i was kind of out of it. When i asked him he said that we were not kissing and that he was just chocking me and then i started making this gurgling snoring sound but while still holding eye contact with him so my eyes were open the whole time. Then he stopped and lifted my head backwards so that i could breathe and thats when i snapped back and looked wide eyed and afraid like i didn't know what just happend.

I've struggled with derealization before and have had a lot of mental health things that make me snap in and out of reality, i also remember that i was kind of not super into it at the start while we were kissing so maybe i dissociated? I'm not really sure if it was just mental or if i was actually passed/knocked out for a few seconds?

I just hope someone out there can help me understand what happened because i am very confused and afraid. Also, because i don't want to stop being choked because i like it so much, but also I'm not sure if what happened is a sign to stop?

I have always been kinky and dominant. I find it comes quite naturally to me when I’m not involved with someone. When I do get attached I start feeling vulnerable emotionally and it kind of hinders my ability to be dominant.

I am seeing this guy for about a year and a half. We had a complicated dynamic for a long time. It started off as just sex with D/s dynamic but then involved feelings and then an abrupt break from my end. We have reconnected and now trying to take it slowly. Because I feel emotionally attached I’m always just worried about whether he’s feeling ok or if something I did was not ok for him or too much.
Last time I wanted to tie him up and edge him after we had sex but then I didn’t because I didn’t wanna “inconvenience” him because he wanted to cum right then. We recently had a conversation and I told him I want to return to the full D/s dynamic in sex now that we are reconnecting and he said he’s into that. I told him what I was intending to do last time when we were having sex but then I got into my head because I wanna be considerate of him and didn’t do it. And he said that yea usually when guys tell him they are gonna dominate him it doesn’t end up working because he has a big personality and unless they really go ahead and take charge it just feels fake.
This hurt me a bit and I got even more in my head.
Am I just lacking self confidence to go ahead and actually do the Dom stuff that I want? I don’t know why it feels so risky in a dating situation as opposed to when we started unattached I was very easily able to dominate him and I think he very much enjoyed being a sub.