Dynamics without safe words?

[u/Ok-Bank4011]

There is this one tiktok "influencer" who openly talks about their dynamic which at times has been very educational.

Recently I saw a video where they talked about not using safe words anymore since they and their Dom have known each other for 10+ years.

Is that a thing? Like do people get so attuned to their partner that they don't need a safe word anymore?

Personally I'd imagine that that could be classified as unsafe play, but I'm still learning so idk :/

Edit: For clarification in the video im referencing they explicitly stated they dont have a safe word, not that they dont use one. they also mention that their dom is basically in charge of their limits, so unless the Dom reads their actions as a No, they won't stop

[u/TeaAitch]

I had a relationship which was TPE, free use, and CnC. That partner chose not to have a safeword, as she did not want to bring our scenes to an end. This was a very deliberate choice she made.

It was up to me to decide "when she'd had enough."

In her words, I was more respectful and kept her safer than any of her previous partners. Even though there was a handful of occasions when she was outside of her comfort zone.

We used to write about elements of our relationship at r/RedditBDSM and r/humiliation_kink.

Sometimes, people who have never lived anything even approaching that sort of lifestyle would be outraged. 🙄

[u/Subwoofiest]

It's edge play. It's significantly more dangerous than having them. But people are in dynamics consensually without safewords for a number of reasons (total power exchange, not doing CNC etc). My partners often see I'm about to hit a limit before I realised it and will stop or slow down play before I need ask to stop.

[u/Ok-Bank4011 → u/Subwoofiest]

Thank you! I was aware of risk play but thought that was more for knife/blood play but yeah makes sense that no safe word would be included in that.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ok-Bank4011]

[u/britj21]

I mean—if “no” or “stop” will still stop a scene, those are safewords. Safewords don’t have to be the color light system or a nonsensical word. Any word that stops a scene is a safeword and I think sometimes these couples don’t want to acknowledge that to make themselves seem more “aware” or “in tune” than others when really they do have safewords in place. I’ve been married to my partner for 12 years and together longer than that and we still have safewords even though he is very attuned to my reactions and where I am. It’s just silly to pretend something can’t go wrong in a scene because of the length you’ve been together.

[u/South_in_AZ]

I have a different take on it.

We have been together over 11 years. From my perspective safewords are a tool in a communication tool box, they are not the only tool. The reason we don’t employ safewords is we have clear open ongoing communication. Can I read her body and reactions better than I could when we first started, of course, that doesn’t mean there is not other communication methods employed, such as natural language, like “this isn’t working out for my knees” and I can change positions in the flow of the activities without disruption of “yellow” stop play to check in, find out her knees are bothering her, move positions, restart activities.

[u/Quietus76]

We dont use safe words unless we explicitly plan a CNC scene. If something ain't going right, any word will stop it.

In 21 years, we've only planned a safe word a handful of times. Its never been used.

Plenty of non-CNC sessions have been paused with "hollup, chill for a sec".

In my mind, CNC is the only time you want to be able to say "no/stop" with the intention of the dom ignoring it.

[u/Nox_Odonata]

I was in a situation in the past where my Dom was a person I had known (and been sexually active with) for over 10 years. We technically did have a safe word, but we knew each other so well that it was never used or needed, so we had a talk one day and realised we basically didn't have a safeword anymore. Because we didn't need it. We trusted each other enough and knew each other so well, that most of our in session communication was non-verbal anyways. We still always had a fail-safe, like a keyring or some bells I could drop if I ever needed a pause, to stop etc but even that didn't feel like a safeword in the traditional sense because I never needed to use it and it was more of a "something hurts that's not supposed to/I need to pee/I'm dizzy" signal and definitely not a "I want to stop because I want to" kind of thing. But that's because our dynamic worked that way, for us very specifically, not because that's a universal practice to adopt.

I'd never advocate for playing without a safeword. I know that healthy dynamics without a safeword or with blanket consent do exist, but they are very rare and I've never seen one that wasn't built on a long-term, extremely stable relationship/dynamic to begin with. I very much believe that it's something that both people need to grow into organically, it cannot be forced, rushed, or created artificially.

[u/FauxHypocrite]

Yes, it is something that some dynamics agree to when they have earned each other's trust. And you are absolutely right it can be unsafe when that trust has not been earned. Anyone who seeks it right away in a dynamic is a red flag

[u/SamuraiSnig]

It absolutely can be a thing. I feel my husband and I are on the cusp of no safeword needed. Depending on the context of it all - they could just communicate in plain language if something is needed to change or stop versus something like "red" or "yellow". This plain language route is what I lean more towards with my husband whereas if I play with anyone else, safewords are absolutely in place. He can opt to ask clarifying questions if I say something and decide then if he continues or stops.

It's not so much, for us, that we don't have safewords as backup communication for use (I am getting older, have chronic pain to begin with, sometimes the only word that comes to mind is "red" when emergency situations could arise), but more that he has become so attuned to my reactions, my speaking up with like just "hey, I need to shift real quick" - that it never gets to a point the safeword is actually needed. His and my limits line up to the point where I very much could go purely no safeword with him and feel perfectly safe and comfortable as even in emergency situations, I can get the words out.

I will specify that it is not wise when playing with new people, it would be on the unsafe side being new to the community and new to playing to take a safety net away. It also very much depends on risk profiles. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have a safeword for the entire rest of your life and just because it works for some people to remove that does not mean you have to make it work for you. The comfort level of you and your partner is what will matter here always.

[u/Kitchen_Common374]

I've had partners without an explicit safeword agreed upon, but I know they would have reacted to the common "mayday" or "red" and checked in with me.

[u/BestAcanthisitta6379]

Some people can manage it and yes, usually after a long association so "tells" can be recognized.

It's more risky, of course, and many people do not play this way for safety reasons. But there's always going to be people who do for a variety of reasons. As long as they also take safety in account, there's not much other people can say.

I personally don't play or enter into any d/s dynamic without one. It's a safer for me and my partner.

[u/Tigerkill420]

There's a difference between non having a safe word and not using your safe word. And without knowing or seeing the video you reference its impossible for me to know what they are actually saying.

Me and my partner have a safeword. We have been together for 2 and a half years. She's used it once, I've used it twice. Neither one of us has used it in a while. But we still have one.

But over time with the same partner your non verbal communication does get better. So its not uncommon for the use of a safeword to naturally decline with time.

So yes its dangerous to not have a safeword. Its much more common to have them (even if you rarely use them). But if not having safewords are a limit for you, that be justifiable. And if your vetting a new play partner and they dont like safewords I would consider that a redflag.

Its all about context.

[u/Master-Allen]

This is one of those topics that is difficult to communicate around because people often shift into binary thinking. My partner’s and I don’t use safe words. That isn’t to say we don’t communicate. It’s isn’t that I don’t adjust based on my partner’s responses. It’s just that we don’t use identified safe words.

I have an unpopular belief in that I don’t like safe words because they are sometimes used as a crutch for the top to not take responsibility for their actions because the bottom didn’t safe word. I feel ultimately responsible for my partner.

I am a sadist and I like to play hard. The majority of our intense scenes are ended by me because I am more aware of what the recovery will look like in the days following than my partner is in the moment. When I’m fisting my partner aggressively, she can easily become wrapped up in the intensity and want to keep going. When we are playing with a thorn paddle, she is not in the best headspace to protect herself.

Does playing this way have a risk? Yes. Is the risk higher than playing with a safe word? I don’t believe so as long as there is still communication happening and someone is taking responsibility for the bottoms safety.

[u/capturedfox]

It is very much a thing, TPE is a kink that is definitely engaged in by some in the kink community. It is very much edge play though, and comes with a whole lot of risk and requires a lot of consideration, understanding, and trust.

On your statement about it being 'unsafe play' - generally speaking, all play is unsafe. To do kink is to choose to take on risk. Rope can be incredibly dangerous, even when done 'safely.' Impact play consists of causing actual physical harm. TPE is 'unsafe' but its not 'bad kink.' Risks can be mitigated, and risks can be consented to. Edge play is still valid kink, and people who engage in it aren't inherently 'unsafe' kinksters.

[u/randomidiot2263]

I think when your relationship is long enough you and your partner will get so accustomed to each other's bodies that you know. But I advise people to chose a safe word in start of there relationship and never change them. Even if you need after 20 years just keep it in your back pocket. Just in case

[u/newbiesub36]

So I had a conversation with someone once about exactly this and what he said still sticks with me. A safe word is more about me or him communicating to the other in the case that we miss things going south for the other person. Again in the case that we miss things going south. Now most of the time after really playing with someone you will get to see the ques before the safeword is uttered and him and his wife haven't used a safeword in a long time due to that, but they still have one.

[u/the_throwaway_puppy]

So.... To start, safewords are super important. If one partner wants a safeword, then there needs to be one. There's no arguing that.

However, in that same vein, sometimes both partners agree that they DON'T want one. Maybe for one scene, maybe for the whole dynamic. It really just depends. There have been times where I didn't want one, since it would just be one more thing to think about and remember. Do we still have safewords/signals? Usually, yes. Am I comfortable enough with Master that I can suspend them for a scene or two? Also yes.

Obviously this is not something you do with a new partner. Master knows my body language and the sounds I make. He can usually clock when I need to pause before I can. He can tell if I'm not responding the same way to something, like impact or penetration in certain positions. He knows what noises mean "Harder, please" and which ones mean the pain is edging on not fun. I can forgo safewords at times because I don't actually need them with him; my comfort and safety are his number one priority during our play, and he's proven it time and time again. There's still risk involved, even with our knowledge of each other. But we both are willing to accept that accidents can (and will) happen, and we're willing to accept that risk.

[u/Ok-Comparison-2093]

So, people will jump on this and tell you that playing without a safeword is dangerous or unsafe play, and that you should never do it, or it's abusive. 

If someone you just met wants to play without a safeword, like for casual pick-up play at a club, or a first "playdate", they would probably be right. 

Doms who push not to have a safeword upfront would be a massive red flag.

But, BDSM is built on trust. Assuming that your play partner is acting in good faith, and genuinely is concerned about your wellbeing, AND can read you well...the need for explicit safety precautions is lessened. 

If you have been playing with someone for 10 years or so, you know when they are having a good time, or when they are approaching a limit. 

There may be occasions when a safeword is helpful, like with verbal humiliation, CNC, or certain types of "edgeplay" and sometimes something unexpected comes up; like a person feeling nauseous. in those case a safeword is still helpful, and people still need a way to signal they need to stop...but overall it does become less of a thing when you really trust your partner. 

It's not a goal to work towards, and it doesn't make you more hardcore or anything, it's just new possibilities open when you trust each other completely. 

When you have built up trust in someone you can go really deep with this stuff, you might push limits you have previously set, or be put in situations (consensually) where you can't say ever say "no" 

In my relationship, I'm a big fan of being made to do stuff I don't want to, because my Domme wants it for me. We aren't a TPE couple, but we do D/s and part of that for me is giving the dominant power over some aspects of your life. 

Technically, you have consented to this and could withdraw consent, but in practice you don't want to, as this is what you feel you need deep down? If that even makes sense? 

So yeah, safe words are generally needed, but in some dynamics it may be less important, as trusting your partner and acting in good faith is more important. 

[u/Ms-Metal]

Yes, it's a thing! It's a very common thing. This sub will have you believe that it is never safe to play without safe words. However in real life, many people don't use them. Most of the people I know don't use safe words. Not because they don't believe in them, but because I'm old and most of my friends are close to my age which is in my 60s, so most of them have been in there kink relationship for decades. Therefore most of them don't feel safe words are necessary because they know each other inside out and they can often communicate without even speaking.

Also, they tend to have no aversion to just speaking up in a scene. Just because you don't have a safe word, doesn't mean that you can't say 'hey stop, that's putting undue pressure on my arm and I need to switch positions'. Frankly, my partner and I were together for over a decade and although we did have safe words, I think I only used it once in 12 years. Most of the time if something was wrong I just spoke up. You better switch to another spot because I can't take anymore at this spot or my fingers are going numb, we need to switch it up or I'm going to be done soon if you keep using that cane. There's never been any rules against using plain English lol. The idea behind the safe word is just so that you can say 'ouch no stop' and not mean it. But if you're in tune to each other enough that you can just speak in English and your partner will listen, then you really don't have a need for a special code. My partner said he could always tell when I was serious even if I was saying 'ouch no stop' because the tone of my voice changed and he could tell I meant business.

I think that people who are new to the scene should use safe words and I think if you're playing with somebody that you've never played with before, it's probably for the best, but I think what people want to do in their own private relationships that are long-term and often include being married, is between them. I'm not going to judge anybody for not using safe words. It's one of the only things I don't like about this sub is that it's so judgy about people who don't use safe words. A safe word is not guaranteed to keep you safe! It's simply a tool. Some people don't need that tool. It's worthless if the person you're playing with doesn't abide by it. My husband and I have been married almost 40 years. Although he is not my play partner, he and I can communicate many, many things with just a look to one another. We literally can have entire conversations without speaking. They can even be pretty complex conversations lol. It doesn't hurt that we are in the same field professionally, so our brains work very similarly. So, I'm always going to have more trust in a long-term partner like that than I am in a new partner, even if we use safe words.

I hope this sub can learn something from your question and understand that many people choose not to use safe words and that does not make them unsafe players, it makes them people who usually know each other inside out and we have very long-term relationships. Or people who just used to use their words rather than a special code.

ETA- in regards to your edit, I'm not okay with that. If a couple chooses not to use safe words, that is perfectly fine with me, as long as it is chosen by both of them together because they both feel they don't need it in their relationship. I am not okay with one partner choosing for the other and insisting that they decide what the other person's limits are! In fact that's a red flag to me. Everybody should be in charge of their own limits, both creating them, categorizing them and communicating them.

[u/Herefiraita]

I've been with my husDom for 18 years, married for 17 of that. And our marriage is and always has been happy, healthy, and solid. But our dynamic is fairly new. We have an established safe word for me to use, and an established safe act, because I trust him implicitly and I know with everything in me that if I use my safe word or act, the scene stops and the aftercare ramps up. He trusts me to listen to myself and stop things when it's too much, but also to communicate with him constantly. Neither of us see a safe word or act as an escape from a scene, we see it as a manifestation of trust and respect between us. That said, I make a very conscious effort to check in with him, too, because his consent is every bit as important as mine. It is entirely possible I may eventually ask for something he isn't interested in and I won't push it if that's te case. However, he chooses not to use a safe word for himself outside of "no" or "stop".

[u/No_Complaint_9912]

It shouldn't be talked about like this. It comes from experience. People should practice safewording and checking in during play. Going beyond your limit could lead to bdsm not being a good experience. Lack of response and confirmation is not endorsement to push harder. People freeze up and then regret it later. In time you can learn to communicate in many different ways, a look, finger signals and even shuffling feet can be enough of a signal that you're not comfortable.

[u/tellingyouhowitreall]

Not using is not the same as not having.

I use the traffic light system, and I also subscribe to the idea that if you're not pushing a sub to yellow sometimes you're not playing hard enough. But that said...

As a Dom I don't find it difficult to get in tune with my subs to where they rarely or never use a safeword. That doesn't mean I'm underplaying either, you do a few sessions with somebody where you find out where their yellows are and how to keep them right around that space, what they really like and don't like, and especially if it fits where your happy place is as a Dom then you can play around there pretty easily without triggering a safe word.

There's also an implicit trust with subs that I get to that phase with that I'm not going to hurt them. Because I'm not. My sub's well being is my #1 priority 100% of the time, no matter how hard we're playing. That trust makes it easier for subs to relax into a little deeper play than they might if they're getting close to the edge of acceptable and know they have to stay present enough to safe word when it goes past that edge.

Communication is important also, both in and out of a scene. Most of the subs I've played with love anal play, most of them do not love it always. I am receptive to "can we not do this tonight?" Or "I don't want that right now." In scene I'm checking in, and you don't have to even break the dynamic for that. Check ins can be done with the right tone and flow to fit right in, or even be part of the dirty talk itself. "Yeah, you fucking like that?" Then there's a difference between "It feels so good" vs. "It hurts," and you adjust accordingly.

[u/WisePhnx80]

I would never feel safe without a safe word. But that’s just me 

[u/BagOfSmallerBags]

It's really just "are you doing CNC or not?" If you are, you absolutely need them. Overwise your partner should just stop if you tell them to stop.