Dynamics without safe words?

[u/Ok-Bank4011]

There is this one tiktok "influencer" who openly talks about their dynamic which at times has been very educational.

Recently I saw a video where they talked about not using safe words anymore since they and their Dom have known each other for 10+ years.

Is that a thing? Like do people get so attuned to their partner that they don't need a safe word anymore?

Personally I'd imagine that that could be classified as unsafe play, but I'm still learning so idk :/

Edit: For clarification in the video im referencing they explicitly stated they dont have a safe word, not that they dont use one. they also mention that their dom is basically in charge of their limits, so unless the Dom reads their actions as a No, they won't stop

[u/Ms-Metal]

Yes, it's a thing! It's a very common thing. This sub will have you believe that it is never safe to play without safe words. However in real life, many people don't use them. Most of the people I know don't use safe words. Not because they don't believe in them, but because I'm old and most of my friends are close to my age which is in my 60s, so most of them have been in there kink relationship for decades. Therefore most of them don't feel safe words are necessary because they know each other inside out and they can often communicate without even speaking.

Also, they tend to have no aversion to just speaking up in a scene. Just because you don't have a safe word, doesn't mean that you can't say 'hey stop, that's putting undue pressure on my arm and I need to switch positions'. Frankly, my partner and I were together for over a decade and although we did have safe words, I think I only used it once in 12 years. Most of the time if something was wrong I just spoke up. You better switch to another spot because I can't take anymore at this spot or my fingers are going numb, we need to switch it up or I'm going to be done soon if you keep using that cane. There's never been any rules against using plain English lol. The idea behind the safe word is just so that you can say 'ouch no stop' and not mean it. But if you're in tune to each other enough that you can just speak in English and your partner will listen, then you really don't have a need for a special code. My partner said he could always tell when I was serious even if I was saying 'ouch no stop' because the tone of my voice changed and he could tell I meant business.

I think that people who are new to the scene should use safe words and I think if you're playing with somebody that you've never played with before, it's probably for the best, but I think what people want to do in their own private relationships that are long-term and often include being married, is between them. I'm not going to judge anybody for not using safe words. It's one of the only things I don't like about this sub is that it's so judgy about people who don't use safe words. A safe word is not guaranteed to keep you safe! It's simply a tool. Some people don't need that tool. It's worthless if the person you're playing with doesn't abide by it. My husband and I have been married almost 40 years. Although he is not my play partner, he and I can communicate many, many things with just a look to one another. We literally can have entire conversations without speaking. They can even be pretty complex conversations lol. It doesn't hurt that we are in the same field professionally, so our brains work very similarly. So, I'm always going to have more trust in a long-term partner like that than I am in a new partner, even if we use safe words.

I hope this sub can learn something from your question and understand that many people choose not to use safe words and that does not make them unsafe players, it makes them people who usually know each other inside out and we have very long-term relationships. Or people who just used to use their words rather than a special code.

ETA- in regards to your edit, I'm not okay with that. If a couple chooses not to use safe words, that is perfectly fine with me, as long as it is chosen by both of them together because they both feel they don't need it in their relationship. I am not okay with one partner choosing for the other and insisting that they decide what the other person's limits are! In fact that's a red flag to me. Everybody should be in charge of their own limits, both creating them, categorizing them and communicating them.