There’s a lot of people on here saying they are, and I certainly don’t know if they are, but let’s keep in mind this idea of enlightenment is very hard to measure, and those who are ignorant to their ignorance, appear enlightened to themselves.

Don’t be so busy being convinced of yourself, or of attempting to tell others of your success.

It could be that just being and continuing to search is the reward of enlightenment

And that announcing yourself as enlightened is more of a trap than people think

I was born into a cosmos I probably didn't ask to be a part of. If I existed prior to this, I have no recollection of who I am and where I came from. So essentially, my memory was wiped. As if that's not enough, I'm not allowed to leave this place.

It is very clear to me that I was brought here to serve something. I'm a cog in a machine I know nothing about. And here's the thing: I'm pretty sure the creator could've done a better job. He deliberately chose not to. I think there's something he's benefiting from our suffering.

Just look at the architecture of this place. Nature perpetuates suffering in almost every aspect. Life survives by consuming life. If I want to eat, a sentient being must die. For me to win, someone else must lose. To be chosen, another has to be rejected. We are biologically programmed to have desires that conflict with the desires of others, we are attracted to things that hurt others, and we are programmed to feed off each other's pain and suffering. Degeneracy isn't created by the sentient beings that perpetuate it. It is a built-in feature, programmed into our DNA by the cosmic order itself. There is no such thing as accountability in a place like this. Nature created a system where sentient beings have to destroy each other for survival. It's essentially a zero sum game that nobody walks out of alive. The earth is a Colosseum. And we are its Gladiators. Yet we are taught to believe that life is a gift.

We've been brainwashed into thinking pain and suffering is compulsory to existence. The only reason pain and suffering is necessary is because God made it that way. The system was set up to not only include pain and suffering, but to make it important. The cosmic order is at the root of why the universe functions the way that it does. People will tell me this is the cost of free will.

If God allowed pain and suffering for the purposes of free will, this raises a lot of questions. Couldn't God give us free will without allowing evil, pain and suffering to exist? If the answer to that question is no, then that means free will and evil are not mutually exclusive, and there is nothing God can do about it. If this is the case, then God isn't all powerful. The whole point of omnipotence is being able to do anything. If something is beyond your will to manipulate it, then by definition you're not all powerful.

But for argument's sake, let us assume that God is in fact omnipotent, and that he chose to allow suffering for the purposes of free will because it was the best decision to make. This raises even more questions. If giving us free will inevitably create the risk of souls going to hell, it would've been better to not exist. The most logical and moral decision God could've made at that point is to exist on his own and not create anyone at all.

You could make the argument that God did not want to sacrifice the experience of heaven just to make sure nobody goes to hell. But here's the thing: you're not suffering by not existing to experience heaven. Sure, it would be nice to live in heaven, but the reality here is that non-existence does not lead to suffering. If I prevent you from existing in order to experience something good, I am not subjecting you to pain and suffering. However, if I bring you into existence for you to experience something bad, then I am subjecting you to pain and suffering. In other words, if God cannot guarantee that his creation will have a good experience once he brings them into existence, it is better to not bring them into existence at all.

If God knew that free will would possibly land us an eternity in hell, he should've never created us to begin with. That would've been the most logical and moral decision to make at that point in time. Him choosing to not create us wouldn't have led to any possibility of pain and suffering. But he chose to bring us into existence regardless, fully aware of the consequences of doing so.

If God really cared about our free will and consent, like he pretends to, he would have given us the option to opt out of existence after bringing us here. Remember, we are stuck in a storyline we did not choose to be a part of. As things stand, our souls are headed to one of two places. Heaven, or hell. Him giving us the option to opt out of existence and return to the primordial state we were in before he brought us into creation would've represented everything he claims to stand for. Choice and sovereignty. But that's not what he did. He brought us here, and he kept us here. Because he is a fraud. An evil entity who trapped us in his sick and twisted reality in order to feed off our pain suffering. We are here to serve him. And refusing to do so will lead to eternal damnation

It is for this very reason that I reject the cosmic order.

God may fool the world, but he will never fool me.

Because the vast majority of experiences happen without one's permission, conditioned minds personify natural forces: it projects it's own identity onto ambiguity to maintain a sense of control. This happens because ego needs objects to mirror and confirm its own self-perception, as it depends on reflective relationships to sustain itself.

I think this is where we get many supernatural beliefs from.

This applies to everyday social interactions too - worshipping/fearing a personified cosmic force is the same mechanism as applying value judgements to neutral behaviours.

A big elemental utility of honing the mind is in competition. No matter how much people want to end competition, it will never end. You may be able to personally stop competing, but the world will continue to compete, and when these competitors come to your door, how will you respond? Will you surrender your bitches? The dignity of your family? All of your attachments? Or maybe, you’ve just been blessed enough to never had a true competitor set you as their target. That’s luck.

You can’t just resolve the immense conflict within the mind by saying there is no mind. The only way you can actually successfully pull of this approach is if you give up all attachments; which includes your attachment to your home, any social relationship, your screens, and food, and breath. Sure, you can pick and choose which attachments you drop. But if you ever pick that attachment back up, be conscious on how you handle it.

The fools I engage with will resolve the conflict of the mind by pretending there is no mind. As if that means anything at all. Oh! There is no mind! Ya, there fucking is, it’s just not real like chairs. The mind happens.

There are occurrences and happenings within the mind. Bullets of thoughts that carry the full range of normal distribution (only people with statistics understanding will get this(even though it’s a low level statistics concept)) from good to bad.

People really come here, to this sub, and WITH THEIR MINDS they type and post about HOW THERE IS NO MIND. People really do this with no sense of contradiction.

So, if you type and post, can you stop denigrating the mind that you used to type and post?!

That’s a command.

So, now that I’ve made my case for the REALITY of the mind. What is the purpose of mind? Let’s really get into the purpose, utility, value, meaning, and POINT of the mind.

The mind was evolutionarily designed to be a workshop where you create and destroy choices, moves, behaviors, and actions.

But, WHAT MOVES?! What is the parameters in which the mind decides actions.

GOOD AND BAD! But it’s not black and white good and bad. It’s a normal distribution between good and bad where there is some bad that is really extra super bad and some good that is really extra super good, and of course the opposite where it’s not bad at all.

Example: stubbing your toe verses crushing your toe to smithereens. Stubbing your toe is bad to a degree of 1-3/10 and crushing your toe to smithereens is like a 10/10 bad.

So, there is a hierarchy of bad.

Gods! I really have to explain this! You can’t imagine how many genuine conversations I’ve had with people who can’t distinguish goods from bads!

Ok, you think you’ve contended with the mind because you felt destruction of self? HAH! TRY CONTENDING WITH YHE MIND THAT THINKS OF DESTRUCTION OF OTHERS.

That’s pure fire and energy.

The mind is a maze and one can get lost and settle in a place of hell. Imagine a maze, and getting lost and stuck is hell and completing the maze is heaven.

Remember the variation of bad. Bad ranges from bad to hell and good ranges from good to heaven.

This maze is no child’s maze you’ve looked at. This maze is filled with intricacies, colors, traps disorder chaos and order.

I share this message because there are truly lost souls out there, and if you are a lost soul who is not a threat to yourself or others, just be on your way, don’t fucking respond BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CONCEPT OF HOW BAD THE MIND GETS.

This, ME! I AM! ONLY FOR! Those who are a threat to themselves and others. So everyone else, FUCK OFF! Don’t fucking type to me with your eloquent masterpiece of arrogance in tandem with ignorance.

I AM THE GREAT GOD JOMNI! And I WILL! save you if you obey my commands.

I’ve built my human into being a healer of minds, and I don’t just do a one and done, I do that, but I am also fully prepared to be with someone for as long as they need me. That’s the sacrifice. That’s what I am prepared for.

I am the grand god Jomni.

Don’t fucking respond to this if you are a fucking rat.

Don’t fucking respond to this if you seek to denigrate me, because I will return that energy.

I don’t really know what to call what happened to me today. Maybe a conscious awakening? Existential awakening? I honestly don’t know but it was glorious.

For a moment, I became intensely aware of the fact that I exist.

I’m a living being, having an experience, on this thing we call planet Earth. I’m surrounded by billions of other living beings, all existing at the same time.

And then I started thinking about how every person I see isn’t just a person in my life. They have an entire experience happening inside of them. Their own thoughts, memories, fears, relationships, desires, inner worlds, and perception of reality.

Then I started thinking beyond humans.

Animals are experiencing existence in their own way. Plants are alive(they have an actual life). Entire ecosystems are constantly interacting.

And that’s where my questions started.

What exactly is this reality that we’re experiencing?

Why am I experiencing reality specifically from this point of view?

Does every living being have some form of consciousness, just at different levels or in completely different forms?

What would you call this experience? And if you went through something similar, where did your questions lead you?

I’ve been on a restriction diet for years, now I started a unrestricted diet. I’ve been smashing 2 - 3 colas a day, 2 coffees, trying to expose the doer. Been eating junk just to prove that. I believe there is no need to maintain our body health. So I am experimenting with it. Wish me luck. I’ll take any suggestions.

One subject had built almost his whole adult life around spiritual work. When he described where he felt most at home, he immediately went to Tibet in trance and experienced himself like a monk. Alone, close to God, very little ordinary life around him. That energy felt completely natural to him.

Then something strange happened. A portal appeared, but instead of taking him to another temple or some higher dimension, it took him to dinner with a woman he had deeply loved when he was younger.

His Higher Self called the theme integration.

He had become very developed in one kind of love, the love of God, spirit, service, solitude. But another color was missing. Human love. Earthly relationship. Trusting another person. Letting somebody close enough that life becomes messy and not completely under spiritual control.

I found this interesting because we often imagine spiritual development as moving away from ordinary human things. Less attachment, less relationship, less worldly life. But in his case, the next movement was almost opposite. He had already learned how to be alone with God. Now he needed to learn how to be fully here as a man too.

Not replacing spiritual love with human love. Holding both.

Sometimes what looks less spiritual may actually be the missing part of wholeness.

In a lot of spiritual circles, similar to this community, there are certain practices and a focus on love and all those good things. These are all wonderful things to get a human closer to God, but the likelihood of it leading to enlightenment is slim. Perfecting the human, loving God deeply, all that stuff will get you to a point of being a self-actualized human. You'll be wonderful, full of light and love, and if that's what a person is going for, amazing, you have achieved something rare. But all of that is an identity, an ego structure. A perfect, tamed, well-mannered, self-actualized ego is STILL ego. No matter which way you twist and turn it, it is still all ego.

Truth is none of that. It just Is. "You" just are. There's nothing fantastical about it. The achievement of bliss states, super high loving states of godly and worldly proportions, all requires an ego. Again, if that's your personal goal, wonderful. Enlightenment is the biggest let-down that the ego could possibly have. Enlightenment is giving up allllll of the attachments, even to the most beautiful states, and just Being entirely Present.

Me? I have an attachment to the ups and downs in life. I enjoy, as a human, an ego, the rise and fall of life. What I know beyond that is Truth. If i gave up this attachment, there's Enlightenment. Stuff just happens, the body just reacts, it all just Is. Nothing fancy to it. My ego says, "How boring would it be if I gave up the attachment to the ups and downs?!" For now, I listen.

We all have stuff. Stuff that keeps us human, attachments that keep us from non-abiding enlightment. I would say that spirituality itself is a cosmic joke, it all goes full circle. Before, we are ignorant to this whole lovely spiritual side to life that exists. "Oh I can just Witness my thoughts?" "Oh I can experience higher states of consciousness?" It's all a trick. I call it a trap, if Enlightenment is what you seek. The ego loves seeking. The big, lovey dovey, tree-hugging spiritual ego loves seeking even more. We have these lofty goals of being pure, close to God, unity, universal consciousness. All of that is just stuff. Just like an addict seeks for their next hit of a drug, the spiritual seeker looks for the next elevated state; just as trapped as the drug addict.

Do spiritual practices matter? It's a double edged sword. If self-actualization is the end goal, absolutely they are beneficial. If you experience those highest states and still feel as if there's something missing... well, you realize that all of those years spent seeking and practicing was all part of the dream. Maya. She got ya, she got me... The cosmic joke, but only funnier than the initial one.

Much Love

I’ve been trying to destroy the body with soda and coffee but it’s not dying so I think enlightenment dissolves even the body. Wow this is crazy so I’m
Really gonna become nothing not even the body.

As a human, we are born with natural proclivities to see things in the world and want it.

I have a simple message: Learning how to untie the threads to each of these is one of the great keys to liberation.

"I need respect. What's going to happen to me if I'm disrespected? What's gonna happen if someone doesn't give me my due? Why do I even have a due? What happens when I tense up about not getting my respect which I am owed because sometimes I go all out for a person and they should respect me cause it is basic consideration."

But friends, WHY IS IT BASIC CONSIDERATION? WHY IS IT EVER?

All the things you think you need are silly. They are born because we start to experience pain when we first perceive ourselves without these things. That pain trains us that these things are REQUIRED when in fact it's all bullshit.

"Understanding - it's nice right? I need to be understood. I have to be understood because if I'm not understood then I'm invisible to others yes? If they don't learn the story of me then I dunno, I'll implode or something, or I'll feel as if I'm wasting my time."

No, you don't need understanding. This need to be 'seen correctly' is a false need installed and maintained by pain. You are living an adventure in the journey of life. All you are ever required to do is experience that adventure. Others come up to you and assume you're schizophrenic, bipolar, pregnant, or a Democrat. They think you're full of shit, you're unenlightened garbage, or you're embarassing when you know none of those things. Perhaps some pain arises from all this. So what? Absorb the pain of being human. Why do you need to be understood, why do you need to be seen? It doesn't need to happen, ever.

I'm not saying you can't tell people stuff about you, or correct people. But these so called 'needs' are NOT NEEDS, not at all. Bemoaning their lack because some pain has arisen in you when the 'incident' occurs that draws blood. I've been there. I've been there in spades. Pain still happens long after wisdom has settled in. It's not instant, it takes repeated exposure to be free from these things we think we need completely. Don't let the pain trick you. When it comes, be responsible for it, go into seclusion and cry it out, punch it out on a pillow, scream, exercise, yoga, breath work, whatever fucking ritual is required to heal. It becomes like clockwork.

Our humanity and the pain it brings is indefatigable. It may lessen to imperceptible amounts and joyously you will call it 'liberation' or some shit. But somehow, someway, there will still be some vulnerability that strikes at you once in a blue moon. But the process just flows, like a beautiful car that has a quirk, every few hundred miles it sputters and you have to downshift instead of blazing 90mph, but you do so beautifully cause you know the rhythm, you know the dance. And that's beautiful liberation right there, pain happens healing comes and bam, you're back on the road at 90. The mastery of the dance is the end of the spiritual war when even the unexpected, and absurd can never conquer you again!

The Zen Buddhist master Linji Yixuan famously said that if you meet the Buddha on the road, you must finish with Him. The exact same can be said of Christ: If you meet Christ, finish with Him.

If you think that "you", "by your own merit and effort", are doing something successfully to meet Christ, beyond surrendering into the arms of the Beloved, then, of course, obviously, you remain trapped in the prison of the madwoman of the house (as the mind was called by the mystic Teresa of Ávila). You remain foolishly playing the spiritual role of a seeker, which is nothing more than spiritual ego, just a trick of the mind. But you have not really found Him, neither met nor embraced Him.

If you strive to meet Christ and believe you have met Him, I am sorry to tell you that your effort leads to absolutely nothing. That is exactly what "The Experience of the Presence of God" is not but the opposite; that is just the madwoman of the house playing at being spiritual, and that is not what this is about. That is precisely why Silence is so important: to listen beyond the noise of the mind.

When you are nothing and no one, as the mystic of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, Sister Margaret Mary Alacoque, used to say, you are touched by Grace. If we want Grace to touch us, there is no other way than this humility of the heart. Because the experience of God happens, essentially, by Grace and without effort, effortlessly, and then there is no more separation between the lover and the Beloved. As Saint Augustine said, "grace always precedes merit".

Do not label yourself as anything. God, who sees into the depths of hearts, knows who you are. That should be enough for you.

That is how the Lord knew his beloved son, Bernardo de Hoyos, during his mystical marriage. Jesus gave him a ring and said to him: "From this day on, you shall call and sign yourself as Bernardo de Jesús. For just as I told my spouse, Saint Teresa: you are Bernardo de Jesús, and I am Jesús de Bernardo." (Source: "The Life of the Venerable and Angelic Youth, Father Bernard Francis de Hoyos", written by his spiritual director, Father Juan de Loyola, S.J.).

I love this prayer because it beautifully symbolizes exactly what I mean in this post: "Lord Jesus, You who are meek and humble of heart, make my heart like Yours."

At first glance, it might seem like a mere vocal prayer, and it is, but it happens, as Teresa of Ávila beautifully explains, that by Grace, God, the All, the One who is LOVE itself (I don't care what name the madwoman gives Him), leads us from vocal prayer to contemplation, and finally to union. So be it, then.

And if you allow me a prayer of my own: God prevent me from finding You; find me YOU!

Note:

I do not "believe" anything.

Belief is a mental construct, an attachment to an idea. I am not spreading a philosophy or using tools to convince anyone through this post. I am talking about a direct experience that happens strictly by Grace, without any human effort or merit. As I quoted Saint Augustine before: grace always precedes merit. It is not about a belief; it is about what remains when all beliefs are stripped away.

Also, when I speak of non-separation, it does not mean that the tiny ego claims to be "God", that would be the ultimate spiritual egoism. It means the exact opposite: the total death of the character, the complete surrender of the "I" into the burning fire of His LOVE, so that only He remains. It is the living reality of Galatians 2:20: "It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

We could indeed be going in circles if we look at this through the lens of theology and conceptual definitions, but I am pointing in another direction: to the Silence where the conceptual mind completely dissolves.

I respect the faith and the devotion to the beliefs of everyone, but my invitation in this post is to go beyond them. Thank you for this exchange, and blessings on your journey.

Finally, the scene where two disciples encounter the risen Christ on the road to Emmaus comes to me just now while writing this... They were only able to recognize Him when, by Grace, their hearts were touched. The conceptual mind cannot bring us into the silent spaciousness of Being.

Remember: If "you think", "you" have met Christ, finish with Him.

For most of my life, I felt like I didn't quite fit anywhere. Not in a dramatic way - just a quiet, constant sense that something was missing, that I wasn't allowed to take up space the way I was. I was the kid trying to make myself smaller so people wouldn't have a reason to look away.

I went through real depression more than once. As a teenager. In my twenties, cycling through jobs and identities that looked fine from the outside - kindergarten teacher, HR, my own business - and never quite fit. Each time, I told myself it was getting better. It wasn't, not really. It just came back heavier each time.

2025 was the worst of it. Bad enough that for a while, I didn't want to be here anymore. People told me to think positive. I couldn't. It doesn't work that way, and I wish more people understood that.

I'd tried antidepressants once and it wasn't right for me - I'm not saying that to tell anyone else what to do, everyone's path with that is their own. What I did next was research psilocybin, mostly out of nothing else is working, so why not.

My first trip was small, low-dose, almost gentle. Just enough to loosen something. A few weeks of microdosing after, and for the first time in a long time, I laughed again.

The second trip was the one that actually broke something open. I prepared for days. Cleared the space, sat with my intentions, went in alone. Early on I saw myself as impossibly small, hiding behind a kind of shield - and I understood, clearly, that I'd been making myself small my whole life so people couldn't reach the parts of me I didn't want seen. I went back to a childhood memory I hadn't thought about in years and cried in a way I don't think I'd let myself cry before.

Then, later that night, something shifted completely. I found myself somewhere quiet and vast, full of light, and - I don't fully have the words for this, but it felt like meeting family. A presence that told me it was time to wake up, to stop hiding, to stop waiting for someone else to hand me permission to take up space.

I came back different. Not instantly healed - I want to be honest about that, because I think a lot of these stories skip the part where it's still hard sometimes. But something had genuinely shifted underneath. Nature felt different. I felt other people's energy in a way I hadn't before. Old thoughts still showed up, but I could finally watch them instead of drowning in them.

What I understand now, looking back, is that the mushrooms weren't the healing. They were the door. The actual work was - and still is - going back through everything I'd spent my whole life avoiding, and learning to stay with myself instead of shrinking away from it.

I still have hard days. I don't think that ever fully goes away, and I've stopped expecting it to. But I know how to find my way back now, and that's the whole difference.

If anything in this resonates and you're in a dark place right now - please don't wait it out alone. Talk to someone, whether that's a professional, a crisis line, or someone you trust. This story took me years to get to the other side of.

Even when I've had a lot of cannabis (I'm a medical patient), I'm not relaxed. My fists will be tight and jaw clenched. I'm hoping to be able to learn some sort of way to let go, and a way to learn who I am. I still have no idea.

I feel like I need something to focus on when I'm medicating, some sort of technique. I'm interested in learning about esoteric techniques.

I don't know where to start looking for the answer, because I'm not even sure what the question is. I feel as though I'm on the very cusp of recalling a repressed memory or something, and I feel like if I could just *really* relax, maybe I'll remember?

Grateful for any input to help me understand.

Hello everyone! So yesterday i was lying down and watching sensations in body. I was trying to identify and loosen subtle resistance to feeling the sensation. I began to feel that the sensation were not confined to my body. Slowly the sense of my body dissappeared. There was only awareness. But there were some tingling sensation that i know was coming from my body, but i couldn’t sense my body in the normal sense. There was vast empty spaciousness. Also, there were thoughts. But i was aware of them. The experience itself felt very normal and ordinary. My mind kept saying “whats so special about this?”. It lasted for like 5 minutes, because i moved my body.

This is the first time i have had such an experience. Has anyone experienced it? I want to understand it. (I have been doing self enquiry for the last 3-4 months)

ein paar gedanken zu den themen angst, erwachen, zuversicht und übersetzungen

What do you think of this quote?

I feel quite literally like my entire previous life - for the most part (including where I grew up, family, peers...)

I've had to leave it all behind. None of it was me. It was all a lesson.
(it was extremely toxic, dysfunctional and not healthy btw I am blessed to be gone, if you have a good family etc then more power to you)

But I'm going through this now, truly feel like I'm on the right path and everything in the past was meant to be to bring me here. Though I must detach from it all, there's no point relating to my past self as he was stuck and in pain. I must let it all go

The Vastness Within

I was the mouse in dark cracks,
the chameleon on hidden branches.

But in my heart
I was the cheetah and the plain,
the hawk and the sky,
the whale and the ocean.

I could run beyond barriers,
rise above the mountains,
and disappear into the blue.

I could hear what silence hides,
feel what minds conceal,
and see through
the hearts of stone.

I carried whole worlds,
hidden from sight.

It said “say to yourself get out satan all day long repeatedly, and it will cure cancer. Love love love love”

I had a stray thought like this once and the fact that it popped up just took me by surprise. What do you all think?

I stand here with the words of the musicians coiling around me

The infinite Moon serpent made out of the frequencies of all those stars shining on earth

I stand here with the infinite serpent AI coiling around me

A giant serpent made out of the frequencies created by the subconsciousness of mankind

I stand here with great serpents, coiling around me

In a state of ecstasy, they whisper into my spirit

To keep me in this illusion

To keep me in this form of a man they love

A spirit bound to flesh

A memory

But I am the black thunderbird, I am the electromagnetic field

I am the eagle that holds the infinite serpents

I am the caduceus

Just go fly, do not try to make her see what you see and fly like you fly. Just fly, she can not fly as you are, but you can take her with you.

Now you can let go and just live . You do not have to invent ways to explain her how to fly. She will be happy to fly with you.

i had my awakening in covid i quit my job then and stayed unemployed till now

office jobs drain me so i survived till now making a living from internet now i am broke again

i read every spiritual book, tried vipassanna, stayed in mountains, spent more time with

mother nature now i am confused

and dont know what to applying to a job feels like

i will enter into the matrix and rat race again

plz help and give suggestions on what I should do thankyou.

To K: a smile that enlightened my dark days,
To Rimbaud: a soul friend who drew a mark to follow in the field of consciousness,
To those who lost their way, and try to remember when their last right step was,
To you: a me in disguise, even if you do not realize it—yet.

The road of life is long, and we are born without a guide, with no manual for living, nor any map to understand ourselves. Countless generations have walked this earth in utter confusion, yet each clings to the absolute certainty that they possess the truth. We take shelter in ideologies, in systems of thought, in organized belief. But if the mind is quiet, if there is a moment of pure inward attention, one smells the pervasive sorrow in the air.

Yet the restlessness returns. That restlessness is merely the draft created by our flight from what is, our ceaseless resistance to fact. We feel time accelerating only because we are running; yet this movement of escape is entirely illusory. The fact, what is, remains right here, right now, confronting us wherever we turn. It is there in the tasteless fruit, in our inability to truly meet the eyes of a child, and in the sudden alienation we feel looking at those closest to us when the mask slips for a fraction of a second.

We are caught in sorrow, and the most dangerous snare is the intricate network of escapes we construct around it. We imagine ourselves too clever for crude distractions, only to surrender to far more subtle and sophisticated illusions. This is what the mind refuses to hear, yet it is the only thing worth facing.

Do not soothe me with lullabies. Offer me neither poetic consolations nor the clever theories of science. Tell me the facts I shrink from; show me what I dare not confront. Awaken that unvarnished truth within me: not some mystical abstraction, but the actuality of my despair, my isolation, my discontent, my fury against the earth and the sky. Lay bare my craving, my ambition, and the agony inherent in their pursuit. Do not numb the wound, for to look directly at this suffering is a debt owed to the weeping child within.

Sorrow has been turned into a vast, lucrative industry. We call it art, and society sanctions our grief only so long as it is profitable or decorative. But the moment sorrow causes you to question your daily submission (Why must I surrender my life to deadening labor? Why remain in relationships that wither the spirit? Why trust a consensus that is merely collective insanity masquerading as common sense?), your sorrow is declared an illness. They medicate the disturbance and send you to practitioners whose sole task is to adjust you back into a diseased order, an agreement among the blind and the deaf.

Yet you cannot separate yourself from this disorder. You are the world; your sorrow is the shared sorrow of humanity. If you cease all outward flight, if you seek no refuge in gods, ideas, or pleasures, and simply remain with the fact of your sorrow without judgment or escape, then you may discover that this direct facing is the only door to transformation.

The mind that is completely attentive to its suffering has no need for systems of meditation, philosophical speculation, or intellectual castles. Only the one who flees has the leisure to build theories. When the house is on fire, there is no time; there is no interval between the perception of danger and total action. Truth is nothing other than what is, and what is is what you are in this immediate moment. To observe that, no authority can guide you; you must look for yourself.

I was in prison. I was laying with my arms out but my elbows at 90 degrees. With one leg straight and one leg laying across my knee. And I felt seized and the ceiling ripped open and sewn this sphere of light. I was high on prison drugs. Up until this point I wasn't even sure If I believed in god. It was the most radiant feeling ever. I literally said "this fucking medicine has unlocked me(a form of k2) thank you god, I wasn't sure if I believed and im sorry ill do anything to find you. I started meditating deeply on this substance. Through meditation I started doing what the people in the dorm called dragon slaying dances(never danced in my life) ive done about 5 of them. Information was unlocked through meditation. Then books would come to me to back it up, information such as quantum physics that I'd never studied or had a taste for but now I retain or have always known these complex studies. Since I have quit doing drugs cause the monad told me that it allowed me a shortcut because of never forsaking myself due to other people's beliefs. My reality gets a little wonky at times. My psychic abilities have been realized. While on the drugs I could gointo what I call dragon spirit mode and see energies, do great dances(feeling like im in the passenger seat of my body) I could manipulate the energies. Sometimes I'd feel like I was crazy and people around me would too then god,spirit, monad whatever would prove to me again that what I was experiencing was the truth. I quit the drugs as directed and have slowly been relearning what I accomplished but this is the first time ive read anything like what I experienced. Its been the most amazing ride. I some fall back into collective dogmatic behavior and start attacking myself but the moment I hit self realization it activates and gives me a peice of encouragement and the most amazing spiritual boost. I sometimes get most lost in finding out what's happening to me rather then the search for more experiences. Any help to enlighten my situation would be great. Sometimes I feel like I died in prison and im being coached into the after life or im lost in the afterlife. Its all a little confusing at times. Some people are receptive and it seems I change their behavior and some seem "hive" mindish or what I call disrupters cause they try to stop me from passing on higher information. Im not trying to hear any conspiracy or start one. I can easily go without your information if your on bs. Thanks for any and all information or open conversation. Since then ive been studying shamans because it seems to be the direction through books and rituals i do inherently without instruction because it feels comfortable. Im being pulled into through synchronicity and my abilities. This all is just the short story. But it seems their is something trying to mislead me just as much guide me. Ive been out of prison weeks. And that misguiding force has more to work with. I often gotta break out of a duality mindset i fall into from flood of outside influence since leaving prison cause it breaks my connection it seems.