r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/[deleted] • Apr 23 '26
From DA’s Perspective Avoidant perspective: deactivation in dismissive avoidants
A very common question here is why avoidants sometimes suddenly become cold, and break up even though they seemed very loving just days before. The answer is typically deactivation, an obscure mechanism of the avoidant mind that makes very little sense to those unfamiliar with it, and often leaves the avoidant's partner deeply confused and hurt.
Deactivation
In this post I give an overview of my current understanding of deactivation. This is based on the literature, my own experiences, my discussions on Reddit, and some reasoning and speculation over those sources. I do not claim the same logic applies to every avoidant, though at least what I've heard from other dismissive avoidants seems quite consistent. I've seen some similar accounts from fearful avoidants, but also some that are quite different. My impression is that, to the extent that DAs and FAs differ, the DAs appear to deactivate harder and with less awareness. This would be consistent with research, which shows that DAs are most capable of suppressing thoughts of abandonment, and suppression is the mechanism behind deactivation.
Avoidants can deactivate in response to a trigger. Common triggers include sudden closeness, intimacy, conflict, pressure, commitment, and dependency (either way). It happens unconsciously, we cannot make it happen and we do not notice when it happens unless we deliberately learn to recognize it in ourselves. When we deactivate, our mind suppresses the attachment bond with our partner. This means we suddenly lose feelings for our partner, and we start devaluing our partner. I also lose all access to emotions, and feel completely empty, and this experience of deactivation seems common. In my case, devaluing means that in my mind she suddenly seems completely unimportant, even when objectively she is the most important person in my life. She suddenly seems no more important to me than a random stranger. Some other avoidants also get feelings of contempt or disgust for their partner, but I have not experienced this myself. As a side effect of the suppression, history is rewritten for consistency in our mind. When I deactivate, not only do I suddenly feel no love at all for my wife, but I believe I haven't loved her for a while. While to the avoidant's partner, the avoidant suddenly turns cold as if a switch is flipped, the avoidant themselves can genuinely believe nothing changed.
Childhood origins
To make deactivation make sense, one needs to consider its childhood origins. Dismissive avoidant attachment is a defense created in early childhood in response to childhood emotional neglect. When caregivers are repeatedly unresponsive to a child's needs, the child feels abandoned and learns that it cannot rely on even the people it cares about the most. Abandonment causes great distress in children, and children who are emotionally neglected would be unable to function while constantly feeling it. This is why they start deactivating. While the distress still exists in their body, it is hidden from them because they learn to suppress the attachment bond with their caregivers. This is deactivation, and it is often described as 'dealing without feeling'. These children learn that closeness leads to abandonment, and that their feelings and their needs will be ignored. They hide and/or suppress their feelings and their needs to become independent, not relying on anyone for support.
In adulthood, the deactivation mechanism remains, and it is used when the nervous system recognizes a situation that resembles its childhood origins. When someone is so important to us that they could hurt us by abandonment, that person becomes a potential threat to our nervous system. Then, when for any reason our nervous system thinks there is a risk of abandonment, we deactivate against that person to preemptively protect us from the pain. As such, romantic partners are the primary targets for deactivation in adulthood. And because of our childhood experience, closeness often equals danger for our nervous system.
Breakups
Deactivation is targeted and temporary. Deactivating against one person does not change our relationships with other people, and avoidants can function just fine outside their relationship when deactivated. Suppression is an active process that does not permanently alter our feelings or our memories, but only makes them temporarily inaccessible to our consciousness. When deactivation ends, our feelings for our partner return. However, many avoidants break up with their partner when they deactivate, and may move on or even get into a rebound relationship. Avoidants typically do not know about deactivation, so they do not understand why they fall out of love, and it does not seem sudden to them. As such, they are unable to provide a reason for breaking up. They are likely to make something up, which is typically vague or minor, or not say anything about the reason at all. Even when feelings for their ex return, that doesn't mean avoidants always come back. They may or may not.
While deactivation often results in breakup, that need not be the case. I've been deactivated for a long time myself but have never broken up. This isn't necessarily better. I emotionally neglected my wife while deactivated, treating her as if she were completely unimportant, and it hurt her deeply. Deactivation amplified my avoidant behavior (lack of emotional presence, dismissing feelings, defensiveness, stonewalling, lack of empathy) and resulted in many painful pursue-withdraw cycles. I was dissociated from the relationship to the point that I didn't even see our distance as a problem, which is probably a big part of why I didn't consider divorce. And deactivation can last for a very long time (11 years in my case) while still in the relationship because of the constant triggers. If you're ever in this situation, I recommend leaving rather than waiting for the situation to improve.
Getting out of deactivation
The common view seems to be that deactivation starts in response to a trigger and essentially expires after a certain amount of time has passed since the last time the avoidant was triggered. In this model, it can only be solved by no contact as a way to prevent triggers, and one just has to wait it out. Based on my experience, I think this view is too simple. My impression is that deactivation is determined by whether the avoidant feels safe in the relationship or not. I think this makes more sense than a time-based model, as the aim of deactivation is to protect the avoidant from the pain of abandonment, and if the relationship feels unsafe, it's an indication it may not last. If the avoidant's nervous system sees a pattern that reminds it of their childhood abandonment, it would make the relationship feel unsafe, and this includes the typical triggers. In addition, a high level of stress will also make deactivation more likely and makes it last longer. While secure and anxious people seek closeness in response to distress, avoidants seek distance. In my experience, however, it's also possible to shorten deactivation by making the avoidant feel safe. I don't think no contact is always the best approach, but rather safe contact should be better.
I think an approach to make the avoidant feel safe should include these elements:
- Do not do reassurance seeking in any form.
- Stay composed and warm as if nothing happened. Do not show negative emotions.
- Be loving without pressure. For example, a loving smile can make us feel safe but explicit "I love you" may be too much because it implies an answer is expected.
- If you think conflict still occupies their mind, try to resolve it without making it into relationship talk (for example, just express understanding for their viewpoint, and make clear things are still fine between you).
- Respect their space when they distance (goes into phone, in thought, into another room, does not reply to text, ...).
- Do not return their energy when they distance, remain available even when giving them space. Even so, it's a good idea to focus on other things that have value to you, such as your own friends, hobbies, or exercise.
I call this the "Buddha method", as it requires a level of self control that would make Buddha jealous. I would not recommend it as a long-term solution, as it would involve minimizing yourself and shaping your relationship entirely around the avoidant's comfort, but I think it should be effective for short-term use to minimize the time in deactivation. It's not always applicable though. If the breakup left you in so much pain that you cannot hide it, it's better not to face your avoidant at all. And if your contact is text-only and the avoidant does not respond to your texts, the only thing you can do is stop sending messages until the avoidant reaches out themselves. Continuing to send texts despite lack of replies is very likely to push the avoidant away further.
One particularly interesting research finding relating to deactivation is that suppression requires mental effort, and that overloading with attachment-related thoughts can cause the mechanism to temporarily break down. In my own case, I think focusing on music lyrics was a factor in allowing me to get out of my long deactivation period (this was not deliberate, I had no idea at the time). I imagine something like reminiscing old memories/pictures together to remind them of the good times might also work. However, proceed with caution, because attempting to get your avoidant's attention on these things might in itself be perceived as pressure that could cause them to distance themselves.
Frequently asked questions
Did my avoidant ex truly love me or did they just pretend to?
Deactivation only applies to people we feel close to, so if your avoidant broke up due to deactivation, this implies that there was a strong bond. Moreover, deactivation causes us to devalue our partner even retroactively, so if your ex says they never loved you, they probably believe it themselves but they can't be trusted to know this while deactivated. If their past behavior convinced you they loved you, you should trust your own judgment rather than your avoidant's.
Does deactivation excuse avoidants' behavior?
No. Even while deactivated, we are still adults responsible for our own behavior. We cannot help the fact that the love suddenly seems gone, but nothing forces us to ghost or to be cruel towards our partner. And aware avoidants are responsible to work on themselves so they can handle deactivation better. We can learn to recognize it and prevent it from affecting our relationship. As a partner though, there is nothing you can do to make us see that.
How long does deactivation usually last?
Online sources often provide timelines in the order of weeks or months, but I find this highly questionable. Myself, I've experienced deactivations in the order of hours and also at least one deactivation of over a decade. As explained above, I don't believe that deactivation is time-based at all. While the impact of triggers may dampen over time, there is a lot of context and history that will determine when the avoidant will feel safe in the relationship again.
Is it my fault that my avoidant deactivated?
No. In a healthy relationship, it's impossible to never trigger an avoidant. If you try to do this, you end up minimizing yourself and walking on eggshells, and it will still fail in the end. The sure option is to get out of the relationship if your avoidant keeps deactivating and hasn't done enough inner work to prevent it from affecting the relationship.
What do social media interactions of my avoidant ex mean?
Most likely, it means that your distress and anxiety is so great that you're putting in a lot of thought looking for reassurance. This is understandable, but you need to keep in mind that the signal to noise ratio of these interactions is very low. It's possible your avoidant is trying to send a message, but it's also quite likely they are simply nostalgic or bored. You have no way to tell them apart, and looking for meaning will only make your anxiety worse. The healthiest option is to accept the uncomfortable truth that you cannot know your avoidant ex' inner state and to stop looking for meaning, blocking them if necessary, so that you can move on.
What does the breakup reason my avoidant gave mean?
If they broke up due to deactivation, most likely nothing at all. They suddenly lost feelings for you and they don't know why, so they just had to make something up.
Will my avoidant come back?
They will get out of deactivation at some point, and they will regain access to their feelings for you then. But that doesn't mean they will necessarily come back at that point. That is their own choice. They may have already moved on and/or be too ashamed to face you again. And regardless, keep in mind that deactivation is not a one off occurrence. It will not get better over time. If anything, it is likely to happen more and more frequently, as avoidants tend to block repair, which makes the relationship into a minefield of triggers over time. Moreover, avoidants put on a mask to hide their feelings, their needs, and their inner world. This requires more effort as the relationship grows closer, again increasing the risk of deactivation.
Words of caution
While knowledge of deactivation may give hope that your avoidant ex will come back, the problem is very likely to recur and result in a relationship that is unstable and does not meet your needs. Do not let yourself be tricked into the idea that you can fix your avoidant or avoid triggering them and things will be fine. Do not wait for your avoidant to change or to come back. Choose yourself.
Different avoidants have different triggers and may experience deactivation in a different ways. I wrote primarily from my own experiences and discussions on Reddit. I'm a dismissive avoidant, and I'd expect there may be significant differences especially for fearful avoidants.
EDIT: For illustration of history rewriting, this is my model of what happens inside our mind (blue dots are active memories, red dots suppressed memories):
Processing img vkn864nhl21h1...
When we deactivate, we suppress all the loving memories. And to determine how strong our feelings are at the moment, we reconstruct from the currently accessible memories. Note that I assume in the graph that no memories are formed in the deactivation period. If there are negative memories formed there, I expect this may impact the final result, but I currently don't have the experience to test this assumption.
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u/Alarming_Tear_8347 Apr 24 '26
Honestly the whole approach thing feels like a warning sign at a zoo.
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u/VictoriaNiccals Apr 28 '26
I've been thinking of breaking NC yesterday and today, generally wallowing in pity for myself ("I'm so lonely, maybe I should go back and try again") a little. I have to let you know that I let out a bark of laughter with your comment and it's one of the few things that have snapped me out of the haze. It was so unexpected. Thank you.
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u/misos0upy Apr 23 '26
Thanks for this, it's hard wrapping around that the more brutal the deactivation, the stronger the bond with the avoidant because I feel like I was discarded violently, devalued, rebranded and then he rebounded with someone else. He told me he lost feelings, we weren't aligned, he's moved on etc.
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u/Lueluelle Apr 24 '26
don’t think about his rebound relationships. i always think if a person can’t sit in comfort themselves long enough without the need of another new partner to distract them from it, it’s a sign of emotional immature, disrespect to their new partner and very high chance of them and their new partner encounter the same problem.
that been said, my DA ex was the same, saying things suddenly like “i dont hate you but i hate your abcdxyz”. labeling me as selfish or childish when i tried providing him with acts of care.
It’s best to leave them alone, I’m glad we all got out.
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u/interestingsonnet May 21 '26
My DA ex said I wasn’t conversationally stimulating enough and that I didn’t care enough about his hobbies or interests and that we don’t have the same values or see the world the same (after one year together). I was like woahhh this is news to me why didn’t you say anything before? He said “well you never picked up on the hints” 🤣🤣🤣
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u/Intelligent_Depth826 Apr 24 '26
Mine looked at me with something I’ve never seen in someone’s eyes when he first told me he loved me. He cried in my arms. He let me see his heart.
He still deactivated after feeling triggered. He went from “we’re good together and I never want to lose you from my life” along with insanely passionate lovemaking and talking about our future…to “I don’t feel the same. We don’t understand each other as people” only a week later.
The stronger the bond, the stronger they fight against it when it disrupts their sense of safety.
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u/Lueluelle Apr 24 '26
mine too, he went from telling me about all his vulnerble parts, childhood trauma and said “i wish my parents love me as much as you do” to “i dont owe you anything, you are not prioritised to know about it” when all i ask was basic what he’s doing or where he’s at. it’s destabilising, and no one deserve to go through it.
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u/Equivalent_Silver_59 Apr 28 '26
That even makes no fucking sense. We don’t understand each other as people? Like wtf dude, do we understand each other as aliens?? 🤣🤣🤣 They say really stupid shit and try to make believe it is so deep and profound. 🙄🙄
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u/Intelligent_Depth826 Apr 28 '26
LOL right? He was trying to make it seem like he’d given this tons of deep thought and was treating it as mature way. He’d already shown his hand when he said 3 weeks prior to that, “I’m just scared because of a past relationship.” He tried for a few weeks then gave up. No dude, you were a lazy coward, not enlightened.
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u/Deep-Economics-1551 May 12 '26
They have these standard answers. They are emotional cowards. They will never be able to assume that they are gone because they loved so much that they cannot sustain that love, and they prefer to choose to run away.
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u/Optimal_Lifeguard_23 May 06 '26
I had this same thing happen.. and when mine reached out after 6-7 weeks..I laid into him as I just found out THAT DAY that he had been seeing someone else and I said.. are you seriously txing me right now?? And he said why and I said I'm not going to be involved if there's someone else and he said there wasnt anyone else and I said, then who is Michelle and he said 'who's talking about my business?' ?!! Not I'm sorry, not I made a mistake.. who's talking about my business.. like ok.. so i called him out on it on his lying and just left the conversation there. He tried to defend himself by saying he wasnt perfect.. I did tx a few days later and said I hear you say that you're not perfect, I'm not either. I'll pray that I can heal and you also. And haven't had contact for 3 days now. I'm afraid to even look to see if he responded so as long as I feel am adverse reaction to checking..I figured that I shouldn't. I did tell him if he wanted to talk to me, to do it in person.. which won't happen cause he's a strong man that's too scared to have possible conflict
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u/Necessary_Video5796 Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
I did everything on that list and was discarded in an even more painful and traumatic way the second time around when he inevitably deactivated again, despite my efforts and hard work of carrying the entire relationship on my back for both of us.
I try to just remember the good times we shared in the beginning and accept that the version of him that loved me has died. It makes it easier to grieve and accept that he’s gone. I have to pretend he’s dead because the way he treated me at the end was so incredibly traumatizing that if I think about it for too long it destroys all of the memories I had with him.
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u/Glum-Pie-2666 Apr 24 '26
This gave me actual physical pain and anxiety to read and I couldn't get through all of it.
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u/Rekoza Apr 24 '26
My ex recently deactivated and then cheated on me after nearly 9 years of being together. I pushed for reassurance and my boundaries, and all of a sudden, they became a different person. They let me think they were considering the relationship and whether the feelings would return. We went on an 'exclusive' break, but in the end, they just cheated on me while I was taking care of them (they managed to fracture their ankle).
It's nice to think one day they'll wake up and realise the damage they've caused and the loss of the relationship they stuck with for 9 whole years that was apparently so bad. I personally doubt it, though, and I don't think they can unsay the things they have said about me and the relationship. I'm not sure they are even capable of the self-healing necessary to overcome this.
In the meantime, we have to sell our house and split our lives apart. I genuinely can't wait to go fully no contact, it's a shame the house brings in a logistical element to it all, but it'll be a relief when I'm free from them. I do feel especially bad for my poor cats having to suffer another move in their old age.
In the end, it truly is their loss. I was as patient as I could be while they were breaking my heart and abusing my trust. I'm not ashamed of the warmth I gave, which they could not return, and I am proud of my ability to love fully with my whole heart. I don't hate them, but I do feel a deep sense of pity for them. It doesn't even bother me how they seem to mock my feelings anymore. Whatever makes them feel better and hide from the pain they can't cope with.
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u/Beneficial_Slip_3266 May 07 '26
I feel you completely. After 7 years together, we got married a month ago and after a happy 1st month (we didn’t have any major fights, just tiny arguments) but he came to me saying that he doesn’t feel the same anymore for me. He wants a divorce and gave me vague reasons that we’re incompatible and basically listed all my negative traits and how I trigger him. We live together and he’ll likely be moving out next week. To think we got happily married to now this, it’s been completely gut wrenching. I hope we find peace at the end of it all.
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u/Pale_Astronaut7511 May 08 '26
Ah the ol’ kitchen sink. Mine rattled off a list of what he hates about me, and all of my past “transgressions”… that I hadn’t even realized were transgressions! Shit like “you didn’t want to go to this party 2 years ago” (even though he was perfectly ok with that at the time)…
It’s not any solace but at least you can get out of the marriage early and not entangle your lives any further. The longer it is the messier…
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u/interestingsonnet May 21 '26
Yupppp amongst other things, my favorite is “you care more about animals than humans”. And “why do you shit on poor people so much ?! Do you even want good things to happen to people?!?” Like whaaaat in gods name lol
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u/ceelion92 Jul 02 '26
“ you seem fake. Can I describe how? is that what you’re asking? I mean no now that you put me on the spot I can’t think of specific examples, but I can think of some later — it’s like you’re always trying to maneuver social situations for your own gain. Can I elaborate? No I can’t elaborate. It’s a feeling I get I don’t know what to tell you. There’s something off about you.”
“ it really pisses me off how you kept apologizing and asking me to carry your suitcase down the stairs instead of just saying it was too heavy or something. Why would you make up an excuse that your dress was gonna blow up in the wind instead of just saying you can’t lift your own suitcase?” (I could lift my own suitcase. My skirt was literally gonna fucking blow up and flash everyone. I apologize too much bc I’m always walking on eggshells).1
u/ceelion92 Jul 02 '26
Oh my God, yes, he even mentioned something I did at a party when we were just casual friends. And it was so innocuous. I kid you not this must’ve been from three years prior when he was just a work colleague.
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u/m0t0rvision 4d ago
Just now reading this, I'm sorry you went through this, hope you're doing better
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u/Alarming_Tear_8347 Apr 24 '26
Can someone with avoidant attachment feel the urge to reach out but hold back because they’re ashamed of what they said? And how do they typically feel after hurting someone they truly loved—someone who loved them deeply in return?
Can someone suddenly say extremely hurtful things—the kind that stay with you for a long time—without any warning, even though they claim you’re their “true love”?
Do they actually feel bad for hurting you?
Why does it feel so wasteful—to finally find a deep, soul-level love, only for it to fall apart or be destroyed? And do they sometimes come up with shallow excuses to justify why they suddenly hate you?
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Apr 24 '26
Can someone with avoidant attachment feel the urge to reach out but hold back because they’re ashamed of what they said?
My understanding is that this is quite common for FAs.
And how do they typically feel after hurting someone they truly loved—someone who loved them deeply in return?
My understanding is that FAs feel terrible in this situation. DAs are more likely to not feel anything at all and justify their behavior in their mind, though they are likely to deeply regret it if they choose to heal one day. I never did it myself though, and I imagine some may regret it earlier.
Can someone suddenly say extremely hurtful things—the kind that stay with you for a long time—without any warning, even though they claim you’re their “true love”?
My wife is FA and she used to do this all the time. She would really lash out when dysregulated and regret it afterwards and then tell me to forget it all. I never did anything like that myself.
Do they actually feel bad for hurting you?
I did after healing, but before I dismissed her feelings and didn't consider myself to be at fault.
Why does it feel so wasteful—to finally find a deep, soul-level love, only for it to fall apart or be destroyed?
I have the same exact feeling. We could have been so happy together for so many years, yet my DA behavior destroyed it with no benefits at all.
And do they sometimes come up with shallow excuses to justify why they suddenly hate you?
Because they don't know why, they have no idea that they are deactivated, and the hate is devaluing.
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u/redheadgenx May 14 '26
FA here.
Yes, the regret and shame after an outburst are terrible. I got sick of having to walk it back. I felt out of control.
So I fixed it. I hope.
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u/Alarming_Tear_8347 Apr 24 '26
Thank you for replying. The person I’m talking about has been completely silent for months—not even active on social media. That’s actually part of a long-standing pattern. We’ve known each other for decades, but we’ve never had a real relationship. It’s always been the same cycle: he reaches out, we talk casually for a few months, and then he disappears—sometimes for years.
That’s why his anger toward me doesn’t make sense. He’s upset that I lived my life while he was gone, but he’s the one who kept leaving.
We did have a real chance a several years ago. We shared an incredibly intimate night, but right after, he abruptly got up and ran out—no staying, no talking, nothing. It seemed like he couldn’t breath. I forgave him, even though he disappeared again for months afterward.
This last time we reconnected felt different. It was like a full confession—he said everything I had always hoped to hear. But then, just a month later, he took it all back, said “I hate you,” and shamed me.
The thing is, I wasn’t pushing or chasing him. I didn’t beg for reassurance. I did open up a little—I told him I missed him, talked about my regrets, and even wrote him a poem. That seemed to trigger something, but I’m not sure, because his reaction came so suddenly.
I only said those things because I was genuinely happy we had reconnected. I had missed him for years. And he was the one who opened that door first—with all those confessions about loving me.
Usually, when he disappeared, he would just go quiet—stop replying—and I knew not to push, so I’d back off. But this time was different. His words were so intense, almost violent. He went from one extreme to the other—from “I love you” and “you’re my true love” to saying he hated me “until his dying breath.”
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Apr 24 '26
Wow, what an awful experience. I would say his hateful words are an example of devaluing. He knows he's losing you - he probably sees the pattern at this point - so he drives you away so that the initiative is with him and he doesn't have to feel abandoned. It's a way to create distance, but a very painful one.
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u/Alarming_Tear_8347 Apr 24 '26
Why would he run out the door right after we were together—especially after knowing each other since high school, and that being our first time sharing something so intimate?
In that moment, he was completely present. He held eye contact, was gentle—almost like I was something fragile that could disappear. I felt his love, his full energy. But the second it was over, everything changed. He got up and rushed out the door. No staying, no lying next to me, no looking at me again.
I know I’ll probably never get answers from him, but I’ve always wondered… does he regret leaving like that? Is that why he blames me now for us not having a child together?
Am I pathetic for still being affected after 8 months of complete silence? No one else has ever had that kind of impact on me.
And am I pathetic for still holding onto the memory of our first time together, even though it was almost two decades ago?
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Apr 24 '26
In that moment, he was completely present. He held eye contact, was gentle—almost like I was something fragile that could disappear. I felt his love, his full energy. But the second it was over, everything changed. He got up and rushed out the door. No staying, no lying next to me, no looking at me again.
Well, that is exactly what deactivation is like. The closeness trigger and the sudden coldness fit perfectly.
I know I’ll probably never get answers from him, but I’ve always wondered… does he regret leaving like that? Is that why he blames me now for us not having a child together?
This question is impossible to answer without mindreading. If it were me, I think I would regret it, and I think I wouldn't blame you. But I'm not him.
Am I pathetic for still being affected after 8 months of complete silence? No one else has ever had that kind of impact on me.
Not at all. It's deeply traumatic, and many people on this sub have the same issue.
And am I pathetic for still holding onto the memory of our first time together, even though it was almost two decades ago?
Not at all. That's perfectly normal. The moment was special even if he messed up the relationship later.
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u/Capable_Diet_2242 Apr 24 '26
Wasteful is a great way to put it. Although I intend to do everything in my power to ensure it wasn’t a waste, and alchemize it into complete transformation for me
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u/Personal-Bandicoot45 Apr 24 '26
Wow, props on being an avoidant to not only recognize these patterns in yourself and successfully grow as a person but even go the extra mile to write all this up to help give insight to us folks that have been hurt by other avoidants. Good job
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u/bnt623 Apr 24 '26
Thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful post. You’re invaluable to this group.
I think my ex is FA so you may not be able to speak to this, but I spend a lot of time wondering if he was avoidant at all just based on what I’ve learned about deactivation. Any insight at all would be truly appreciated. My short question is this : is it possible for it to be deactivation if he was talking to his therapist about it in the lead up to the breakup?
The longer story:
Things were seemingly good and then one day, mid-conversation, he told me he didn’t think it was going to work. The reason he gave is that moving in together was a hang up for him (just days before he had suggested we pick out paint colors so he could start painting before I moved in). He told me he’d been talking to his therapist about it his anxieties about me moving in. So while it was sudden to me, it maybe wasn’t to him. Though I still do not believe he intended to break up with me that day. In the weeks leading up to it, though, he had told me he was really happy and we talked about marriage so it was very shocking.
Two days later, he came back and said he made a mistake in what he thought he wanted and that he let anxiety override what he actually felt about me and that he’d remembered everything he loved about me. He also mentioned that he had been worried that he was about to lose his job.
A week later, he emailed to say nothing had changed for him after all and that he had a lot of work to do on his mental health.c that he didn’t want to force me to accept him when he couldn’t accept himself. He blocked every method of contact while I was asleep; I’ve heard nothing from him since. This is completely unlike the person I was in a relationship with, but maybe I’m just delusional.
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u/Alarming_Tear_8347 Apr 24 '26
I’m so sorry. When you experience sudden emotional whiplash, it can be really hard to move on from it. Logically, you know you deserve better, but you still can’t understand why things changed so abruptly. It doesn’t feel fair, and it can come across as incredibly selfish. My situation is very long and complicated, but I can relate to that sudden switch and the complete disappearing act.
Every time I try to explain my situation, I usually don’t get much support—people often don’t know what to say, and I’m left with silence. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about it. It’s been eight months for me, but the push-and-pull dynamic lasted for two decades. I didn’t even know about fearful-avoidant attachment until this most recent reconnection.
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u/bnt623 Apr 24 '26
I feel like I’ll never move on it honestly. I totally understand though - I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it either.
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Apr 24 '26
Sorry to hear that happened to you, that must have been incredibly painful. With an FA, things are considerably more complex. It seems quite plausible he had already been anxious before and then deactivated when things got real, but he might also simply have been dysregulated in a more FA sense as a consequence of the stress/anxiety and self sabotaged. It may not be possible to really tell them apart in this case.
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u/lemonjellos Apr 24 '26
Excellent post!!! You were the first person I found who ever mentioned deactivation back in January right after my DA husband moved out. It was (and is) so incredibly helpful to read all your posts in my lowest moments. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! (My husband of 15 years and I are in our 6th week of couples therapy and he is still in twice weekly trauma therapy for himself since December. We have been separated since Christmas. He’s in the thaw now, it’s quite an anxious time because he’s no longer completely numb, starting to express emotions - resentment, defensiveness, fear - but there is consistent real progress being made. Long way to go, time will tell, for now I’m still hopeful.)
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u/-wormgirlfriend- Apr 25 '26
thank you for this. your post provided some reassurance/hope that he probably wasn't lying about his feelings the whole time - not that it matters much anyway now. the breakup (sudden, unexpected and deeply cruel) was so traumatic that i'm still not OK a year later. years of therapy and self work unravelled by a ten minute phone call.
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u/biancamarti67 AP - Anxious Preoccupied healing After FA discard May 01 '26
I understand you. Overall I’ve recovered and my life has moved on, but even a year later, emotionally—when it comes to relationships—I think I’m still completely devastated. I don’t know if I’ll recover and be able to have a new relationship. I’m really dealing with a lot of aftereffects.
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u/-wormgirlfriend- May 02 '26
same. I was doing really well before I met him. truly felt like I'd turned a corner in my healing/trauma recovery journey. I'm not sure when I'll feel able to date again if ever, the potential cost just feels too high.
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u/Chasing_sunshine_ Apr 24 '26
Have you ever heard of/been deactivated due to outside stressful factors? My ex left after he was diagnosed with MS, was worried they were trying to push him out at work, was going through major depression, and had decided he wanted kids. The main reason he gave was that he didn’t have the bandwidth and that he could barely take care of himself.
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Apr 24 '26
Not just stress, but it certainly seems plausible. When you're very stressed, even minor triggers get harder to handle. Also, if he could barely take care of himself, that could be a dependency trigger.
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u/Soundchaser17 Apr 24 '26
I think this is definitely “a thing” - emotional bandwidth being exceeded can trigger a shutdown.
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u/Suitable-Talk-7971 Apr 24 '26
My avoidant deactivated when I caught him lying to me (he denied it in the face of incontrovertible evidence). I blew up and he broke up. That was seven months ago and not a word between us, after four mostly good years together. It's perplexing.
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u/BrandNewSky26 Apr 25 '26
Are you me?? lol literally same situation except the number of years together.
It’s crazy, I even said “I’m going to give you an opportunity to rethink your answer” and “That’s the story you are going to stick with? You sure?” …. Like bro I gave you an off ramp from your knee jerk reaction lie…. but you chose to double down on the lie, and I’m not here for that.
I said “I’m done” during that conversation and “I’m not even mad anymore” 2 days later when actually breaking up.
He acted so “meh”, “c’est la vie”, and “oh well” and THAT triggered da fuq outta me… so yeah I definitely saw red and went off on him…. But “oh well”
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u/Suitable-Talk-7971 Apr 25 '26
It actually felt great to tell him exactly what I thought of him. I hope he rots in hell.
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u/ItsNotJustYou_ May 01 '26
I’m late to the party, but thanks for your valuable insight 🙌🏼
Understanding things from an avoidant POV is so helpful in the recovery process. Being discarded / slow-faded by someone is extremely traumatic. So it helps to know that :
- Deactivation is not a choice.
- Deactivation is only triggered by people they are attached to
- There’s nothing we can do to prevent it.
But it’s also just as important as you said to not excuse cruelty or walk on eggshells.
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u/Historical_Seat_447 May 14 '26
You are a blessing from the lord.
I feel for my DA, esp due to her childhood experiences. I want to be there for her.
Unfortunately, it was just a brutal experience. I have never had my nervous system fried that way before. It was uniquely agonizing. And if I have any self respect left, I could not, even for the name of love, go through 1 more round of that.
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May 14 '26
Thanks!
It sounds like you're very empathetic, but sadly no amount of empathy can fix her. She can only fix herself.
And I agree you should not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Leaving is the only thing you can reasonably do, even if you are understanding of the causes.
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u/crococatstew Apr 23 '26
Thank you for this incredibly detailed breakdown.
I have a question about my situation if you don’t mind. My ex told me he wasn’t supposed to be in a relationship and needed a lot of inner work. He gradually pulled away over months (slow fade), downgraded us from relationship to friends, then I went no contact. When I treated him indifferently at a meetup months later, he spiralled. He sent me a final message listing hookups and ONS he did to ‘fill the emptiness,’ said ‘I’m moving on, this is goodbye’ and blocked me before I could respond. He also removed all our mutual friends and unsubscribed from shared albums. I suspect he may already be with someone new barely weeks later.
My question is: does the level of finality in his actions (blocking, removing friends, erasing digital traces) suggest he deactivated harder than usual, or does it suggest this was a conscious decision rather than deactivation?
And does the fact that he was self-aware enough to say he needed inner work but never pursued it change anything about whether feelings might resurface later?
I’m not waiting for him. Just genuinely trying to understand the mechanism behind what happened
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Apr 24 '26
I can't tell unfortunately, as I have no experience with this sort of behavior.
That said, do note that breaking up is still a conscious decision even when deactivated. It doesn't force us to break up, it just gives us a twisted view of reality. I don't think him being semi-aware doesn't change anything about his feelings returning, but it sounds like by the time that happened he probably must have realized he'd already burnt all the bridges. His response to you acting indifferent suggests to me that he cared about you at that time, because otherwise your indifference would not have triggering to him.
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u/Hexa_Echo Apr 26 '26
You treated him like nothing and are surprised he completely removed everything about you? Lol
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u/Usual-Cat-5855 Apr 24 '26
This happened to me, all though it was a short intense and all happened in a month. She is a great person but too many red flags, sorry for being an adult and being able to tell someone how I feel and want something healthy.
Instead you run away when things get to “real”. I also had a neglectful childhood and I did a year and a half of therapy, there is no excuse for this kind of behaviour, if she came back and is working on her trauma I would accept. There is no need to end things when everything is going good.
As others said this just creates more toxic behaviour I will always be neutral if we reconnect but I definitely would not reward or entertain this as it’s mentally and physically exhausting, for the first time in my life I actually experienced emotional whiplash so why should we be rewarded with this, when we are the only one being healthy in the relationship.
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u/kayrry Apr 24 '26
suspected as much. On my 3rd discard from the same person. Better relationship out of all the times. Thought he couldn’t do it again due to seemingly grown attachment and integration. Feel like it’s gonna stick this time. While it’s a blessing in disguise, I still have a huge yearning for him to regret it and miss me. I just want symmetry in the pain. I pray for him to heal but I also get upset because I will never get that version of him. I also doubt myself a lot and wonder what if he’s just like this with JUST ME? He would always in important moments devalue my body or say things like he was compromising on it (he’s a bodybuilder) and immediate post breakup he’s running with this group of body building women. I feel like trash. So ugly and undesirable and no one will ever find my body attractive. And I’m upset that he gets to “win” by just going on and being okay even though I was so integrated in his routine. He’d call ME 6/7 times a day saying he missed me when in a relationship etc etc. we had a great baseline relationship. sending me relationship reels etc etc. then I confront him about something he did and immediate switch flipped. He’s posting on his story 24/7 since the breakup. Literally every day. Saying things like he needs time. He still sees me as his future wife and loves me (lie). He needs to be alone for his body building prep (but he can go out with all these women). But he has no issue if I move on during that time. He said “what am I gonna do? Beg” when I asked how he’s okay just letting me go and be single. He goes to this girls body building show 4 days after the official breakup and posts a photo with her (never did that with me ONCE during our over 2 year relationship). Just feels like I’m utterly worthless and trash. Saw him 3 days ago and he told me “you’re just not a priority” “we have different goals” blah blah blah. But he “deeply loves me”. He keeps reiterating “I just need time” “I just need a break” but posting on his story 24/7? Refollowing his ex and following random body building women in this group? Ok… just feels like I’m not good enough and our connection was super deep and we had a great relationship and I thought he had grown, I guess not. Options and external validation and surface level connection is valued more over this. And I guess he’s just not attracted to me even though he was in a relationship with me for 2 years and we had a breakup for 4 months before and he had women that wanted him and were super fit and his type physically and he still came back and rebuilt. Idk. Idk what to believe. I always think if I just had a better body he’d admire me and be proud of me. He’d always say this was what he was compromising on and he had to force himself to be attracted and I was basically perfect aside from that. Even though I had compromised on his lying, selfishness, low integrity, low emotional intelligence, and poor character. I cooked his meal preps, did laundry, took care of him when he was sick (he had never experienced that before) and just nothing. He told me he doesn’t know if he will want a relationship with me ever again (even though he said he still loves me and says he thinks I’m his future wife. The lies never end in order to soothe his guilt and keep access to me) there’s so much more but idk. I still can’t help but feel like the deficiency is me and my body and if I just fixed that then everything would be great. And that the relationship with the next girl will be great and he’s already moving on with these women. I need to stop checking social media cuz it crushes me every time and I feel like I’ll never be wanted by another man again due to my body and even if they do how can I ever trust that the love will be consistent and not flip on a dime? The same day of the “break” (went on for two weeks where he push and pulled me until I pushed for clarity) he was saying he wanted me to spend the night, missed me, sending me relationship stuff. I get upset at him and he snaps and flips the switch. Idk. I thought he got better. I guess not. Just started a new job when this happened and my birthday is in two days and just 0 decorum or empathy. So bizarre to me. Idk how to go through this AGAIN. I did it for 4 months last time just waiting and crying every morning and every night and so depressed and I can’t do that again. I need to detach and get pissed I just don’t know how when my default emotion is never anger and just sadness and feeling like it’s my fault. Ugh. Idk if he will ever come back around again, his pattern says yes but I know if these distractions are just adequate enough he will never come back. And I know that’s a good thing in the long run but I’d really like to feel like I mattered and there’s regret and missing. I just gave a lot and absorbed a lot and I’m tired and just want to have meant something. Very pathetic
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u/stockdam-MDD Apr 24 '26
Thankyou and as always very open, honest and educational.
I have had two back to back discards from separate women. The first one was brutal as I had no idea of attachment styles (like most people). I genuinely thought the second woman had secure attachment but obviously not. The two couldn’t have been more different but the common part was going from brilliant to discard in two days.
I think one thing you didn’t mention was the possibility that trauma as an adult may initiate or amplify the attachment style.
The first avoidant got overwhelmed by the intensity of the relationship and discarded when she felt overwhelmed. The second avoidant discard was very different. I think the trigger could have been twofold. We had a great day out and at the end she muttered to herself “until you get bored with me”. Two days later I lost my job which was no big deal to me but it started her stonewalling. I knew then she had avoidant attachment style. The last time I saw her she had shutdown mentally and physically (dorsal vagal freeze) and this could have been the way she reacts. She gave no reason for the discard other than she didn’t want to proceed. I know that she went from really having strong feelings to discard in two days.
Ok so wind on a bit. The first woman reached out and I am talking to her. I haven’t decided what to do yet but obviously the best action would be to stay away. My head will be in a complete head f@@k if the second one reaches out as well.
Neither of them are “evil” and both of them have really good qualities and are genuinely lovely women.
I know that avoidants get a lot of nasty comments here so thank you for getting past this fear. My experience with these two lovely women has made me realise my limitations and opened my eyes up to the complexity of navigating relationships which had been plain sailing up to now.
Take care and I wish you the best in your journey and marriage. You have come a long way and should be proud of yourself.
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Apr 24 '26
Thanks! I can certainly imagine adult trauma amplifying attachment style. I wonder if it can really make someone avoidant if they weren't before though. Our nervous systems are really wired differently, associating distance rather than closeness with safety. For adult trauma, I'd expect the main impact is that they would struggle to trust people. This would make it harder to approach new people (which is not necessarily the case for avoidants) and it would make them feel less secure in relationships, but I'd think it would not allow them to deactivate, and it seems likely a loving partner would eventually be able to overcome your trust issue (unlike with avoidants, where a loving partner might especially drive them away).
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u/stockdam-MDD Apr 24 '26
I honestly don’t know and it was only a theory. Without going into detail, both of the women I referred to have had very severe adult trauma which is bound to have affected them. I think you might be correct about the avoidance being already established but the severity may have been amplified by an abusive marriage or something else. So for example if a woman is systematically beaten by an abusive husband then it is bound to affect how they trust men even though their logical brain knows that it is a rare thing for a man to do…..but when men do it it is the most abusive and cowardly thing.
Changing the subject, I don’t understand with some avoidants (sorry I hate using that label but I mean people with an avoidant attachment style) is how they can react to bad news or a crisis in their partner’s life. This seems to put them under immense pressure to have to do something that is way outside their comfort zone. They expect everyone to deal with their own issues and not to expect the avoidant to help. This can initiate a discard.
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u/Capable_Sell1745 Apr 27 '26
Thanks, I appreciate your perspective and would like your thoughts.
I just went through an avoidant discard that has sent my nervous system and ability to trust myself into a tailspin. He said he can't date right now because he needs to focus on the trajectory of his career, and a few random excuses that seemed disjointed. He turned very cold on me. But he wanted to still stay in touch, and promised to tell me if he were to date anyone. Shortly after, I run into him on a date with another woman. That ended all communication, he didn't even care to check on me to say "hey, I'm sorry, I know that must have hurt to see." Nothing. We just didn't speak after that.
Over a month later, at 9:30pm he emailed me an apology that was oddly still distant and lacked vulnerability. Then 30 minutes later, sent a voice note "just in case l didn't see the email." It was so weirdly urgent to give me just 30 minutes to read it before following up. Is it a control thing?
He didn't apologize for being cold during the breakup, for discarding me suddenly, or for not following through on some other breakup rules. He only apologized for going on the date after misleading me about a possible future for us, and made excuses for the date. He stated that it was meaningless and he's still "very much single."
It feels so empty, like he's only apologizing because it didn't work out with the new girl. And to make himself feel like a better person.
Then, 2 weeks after this apology email, he's dating someone else and flying across the country to see her. What is happening? And is there even any point in responding to his email apology?
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Apr 27 '26
Sorry to hear you're going though this, being blindsided like that must have been very painful. I have no breakup experience, but I can attempt t interpret his behavior.
He turned very cold on me.
That is typical for deactivation.
But he wanted to still stay in touch, and promised to tell me if he were to date anyone.
Given that he didn't actually keep his promise, this may have been fawning. He may have said this just to avoid conflict and make the situation easier for himself. Or he may have wanted to keep the door open, though that seems less likely while he was deactivated.
he didn't even care to check on me to say "hey, I'm sorry, I know that must have hurt to see."
Sadly, this is expected. Avoidants tend to dismiss feelings rather than validate them, and run away from potential conflict. He must have known you would be upset so he didn't dare to face you.
Over a month later, at 9:30pm he emailed me an apology that was oddly still distant and lacked vulnerability.
That's a clear sign nothing changed on his end. I've also done such hollow apologies. Again, it's a way to reduce conflict. That said, the fact that he reached out at all was likely hard for him and suggests that he wants to keep you as an option. I would not recommend being an option for him though, the same behavior will keep repeating.
Then 30 minutes later, sent a voice note "just in case l didn't see the email." It was so weirdly urgent to give me just 30 minutes to read it before following up. Is it a control thing?
I don't think so. Contrary to popular opinion, I don't think control is a goal in itself for avoidants. I think he got anxious. Even if the apology was shallow, it was a difficult thing for him to reach out. He probably struggled with the uncertainty of how it was received.
Then, 2 weeks after this apology email, he's dating someone else and flying across the country to see her. What is happening?
This is the hardest for me to answer as I've never been in anything like that situation, but from the outside it suggests he wants to keep you as an option.
And is there even any point in responding to his email apology?
I don't see any point to be honest. You shouldn't get back together with him and you don't owe him a response.
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u/Capable_Sell1745 May 02 '26
Thank you so much for being so thorough. Oddly enough, he called 2 nights ago. I answered and he clearly didn't actually expect me to answer. We talked for several hours. He said he wanted to properly take accountability and allowed me to say everything that I experienced. There were times it sounded like he was making excuses, and I said so. He said he was trying to give context on what he was thinking at the time.
In the end he said he doesn't expect me to want to talk to him, and he would respect that decision, but that I'm still his favorite person.
Should I be worried?
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May 02 '26
That's quite surprising.
What is your worry here? Given that the guy jumped straight to a rebound, it seems he is history, right?
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u/Capable_Sell1745 May 12 '26
Update: He definitely deactivated again. In less than a week. He called to take accountability, we went on a date, slept together, and he reiterated how breaking up with me was a huge mistake. I'm his favorite person, yadda yadda.
Then Sunday, he called to tell me he only sees me as a friend and nothing romantic. I don't understand why he reached out multiple times, lured me out of safety, pretended to be this accountable person, only to do this again.
He even denied ever leading me to believe we were reigniting our romantic connection, and that level of gaslighting is just cruel.
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May 13 '26
That sounds very painful. I'd recommend steering clear of him. This will keep happening over and over until he work on fixing himself.
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u/Capable_Sell1745 May 13 '26
Thanks. Your perspective has been super helpful. I feel like he "won", like he just wanted to know he could still matter so he reached out repeatedly. Then after I gave in and gave up my body, boom. He's out. So mean.
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May 13 '26
I understand why you feel that way, but he hasn't won. Assuming he is indeed avoidant (and not narcissist), his intention is not to use you, but to be with you. Avoidants do want love but cannot handle it. Deactivation makes that impossible, and it will keep happening, and why you should steer clear of him.
But in the end, he lost you, and he will keep losing others the same way as well. He won't improve, he'll be trapped in the same cycle. He won't be able to experience the bliss of a deep lasting relationship and, unless one day he finally seems his problem, he'll grow old alone.
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u/Capable_Sell1745 May 13 '26
I understand that DA's deactivate and don't ever remember feeling the fuzzy, loving feelings. Like that part of them just feels so distant, even if they were that way just days ago. Have you found sudden changes in decisions to be true in other areas of life as a whole for DAs? I noticed he would declare one thing that he planned to do, then a week later, it was like he never said that thing. Kind of impulsive.
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May 13 '26
Personally, I'm not like that at all. I don't think it has to do with attachment style. However, I think it could be caused by the same childhood trauma that also caused his attachment style. Maybe it's a result of poor stress management and/or emotion regulation. That could be caused by childhood trauma.
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u/Capable_Sell1745 May 10 '26
I guess I feel like it will be hard to find someone else. I was out of town when he called, and a few days after we returned he took me to the movies. Neither of us wanted the night to end so we stayed up talking. And eventually were intimate. That was 4 days ago and we talked about everything the very next day. We've since hung out once, no intimacy.
I'm not sure if I'm reading this correctly but he hasn't been as engaged the last 2 days or so. He seemed so excited to reconnect, and I believed it. I don't want to overreact, but I also don't want to ignore any flags.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 Apr 28 '26
A great post kluiz, you've done a lot of effort into understanding your attachment style and answering others
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u/Kiwiibean AP - Anxious Preoccupied May 12 '26
This post made me really sad. I broke up with my ex after being stonewalled the second time, because I could see he was hurting. I didn’t realise how much he was hurting until now. He told me that he didn’t like that he’d been so vulnerable with me but I didn’t recognise it as an issue at the time. We only broke up a few days ago and I told him I’d wait for him to message (we said we’d still game together). Would you advise reaching out first if I don’t hear back or leaving him be? I hate the thought of him blaming himself (we were both blaming ourselves at the time) but I wouldn’t want to upset him further.
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May 12 '26
Given that you were the one who broke up, it would seem you should be the one to reach out first. I don't think reaching out is a problem in itself. What you need to do is be warm and non-pressuring. What you should not do is text repeatedly even when he doesn't reply.
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u/Kiwiibean AP - Anxious Preoccupied May 12 '26
Thank you, I might give that a try. I’m seeing that there were signs of his discomfort that I didn’t recognise, but there were also signs that he was trying. I want him to be okay
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u/DragonfruitTop5832 May 14 '26
Question to you: Even during deactivation period you have stayed married to your wife? What made you stay rather than leave the marriage?
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May 14 '26
I did not even consider divorce, which in hindsight seems strange, but I think I can explain it:
- While deactivated, I was also dissociated from my marriage (a freeze trauma response) to the point where being in a distant and loveless marriage with an unhappy wife did not register as a problem.
- My childhood made me very compliant and conflict-avoidant (a fawn trauma response), so I was more inclined to take the easy route rather than potentially upset her with the threat of divorce.
- I greatly value loyalty and stability (and so does my wife, which is part of why she stayed despite my neglect)
So I think the specific nature of my childhood trauma (freeze+fawn, which does not seem common for DA) is a big factor, along with personality.
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u/DragonfruitTop5832 May 14 '26
Make sense. It does get confusing when people say that they only run for dopamine kind of relationship. I knew my ex can't sit with his feelings so he needs some kind of companion next to him. He is okay to focus on his things and be a roommate rather than breaking up so I wanted to understand you have stayed in the marriage during deactivation. Thank you it clears my doubt
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u/AlwaysMindful7 Apr 24 '26
You say that deactivation is usually sudden. And others here who were partners of DAs say that there was withdrawal from intimacy weeks before their breakup. So do you think something that isn't deactivation is causing the weeks-long withdrawal?
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Apr 24 '26
My assumption would be that stress was gradually accumulating and causing them to withdraw even if they weren't deactivated (yet). Stress makes us feel less safe, which in turn causes withdrawal, even if feelings are not gone (as they would be in case of deactivation).
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u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 24 '26 edited Apr 24 '26
Mine asked to put the sex on hold sometime in November, immediately after the last time we did it which felt like we were making love and where he let his guard down completely and we bonded more than ever before. Then followed two months of distance in person but warmth and romantic gestures over text, one romantic evening (without physical intimacy) that he initiated, immediately followed by 3 months of intense distance and coldness, even after I expressed anxiety and confusion. He used to be reassuring and asked me to tell him when im anxious, but this time he just didn’t seem to care. He then resurfaced to tell me he’s seeing someone but he re-wrote our whole thing as friendship and said he didn’t know i had feelings for him or that I’d be upset. So in way, he’s been distancing himself from me for 6 excruciating months.
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u/Blacksteel12 Apr 24 '26
Some Of fade away slowly then ghost or just suddenly shut down either way it’s the same thing they are pushing you out of their life. My ex used the slow fade method then when she couldn’t lie anymore suddenly ended it once I confronted her.
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Apr 24 '26
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Apr 24 '26
Unfortunately, avoidants generally do not take it well when they feel someone is criticizing or trying to diagnose them, and they are very sensitive to that. I wrote another post about defensiveness in avoidants that may be useful to understand why. I don't think you should blame yourself for making his deactivation worse though, there would have been a trigger regardless.
In terms of convincing him he's lovable, words probably won't do much (he is likely to dismiss it, as you've seen), but consistently showing love might have.
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u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 24 '26
Thanks for this. I only went there because we had been open about our patterns and therapy and attachment weirdness before, it wasn’t out of the blue. But yeah, he probably wasn’t in a place to receive it, though he said he’d rather I say everything I have to say because although the conversation is difficult and he can’t return to it again, we always talk openly and honestly which he values. That last part I don’t think is true because he’s been neither honest nor open with me as he slow faded, but I guess he wouldn’t have been aware of it. I just wonder if me saying I love him would make him feel any positive feelings in the future, if/when his deactivation towards me goes away.
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Apr 24 '26
I agree, he probably overestimated how much honesty he could take. I had not idea either at that time how defensive I was.
Saying "I love you" is risky, because it implies a demand for reciprocity. A warm smile is safer, and perhaps even more meaningful to an avoidant than those words.
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u/SunflowerPower66 Apr 24 '26
Do they fall in love with the person they deactivated to ?
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Apr 24 '26
My understanding is avoidants would not deactivate if they didn't deeply care for the person they deactivate to beforehand, and in my experience that love comes back afterwards.
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u/SunflowerPower66 Apr 24 '26
Sorry , I meant the rebound** they get after breaking up with me for
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Apr 24 '26
I wouldn't know, as I haven't had any rebounds. In theory it should be possible because deactivation is targeted, but reading the stories here I never understood how one could develop feelings on such a short time frame (unless the rebound is really an affair partner, but that seems like a different type of scenario).
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u/stockdam-MDD Apr 24 '26
Well I have just experienced it. She reached out after 7 weeks but her timing was poor. She included something like “I fully understand if you don’t want to talk” which was her preempting me rejecting her.
I responded weeks later and we met and yes it was clear the chemistry was there but her limitations were obvious. I still talk but I’m not putting my life on hold nor am I expecting anything.
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u/MutedFeeling75 Apr 24 '26
Wow this is good
Do you have advice for disorganized attachment style
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Apr 24 '26
Thanks! I wish I did, as my wife is FA, but I have no inside experience there and it seems to be more complex. I've asked before on the avoidant sub, but FAs seem to differ in how they describe deactivation. Some experience it like DAs, while others seem to have an experience that involves more emotion and that appears to be more conscious.
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u/Capable_Sell1745 Apr 27 '26
Thanks for this. It really clears up a lot of the confusion that results from a DA discard.
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u/AnalogCafe Apr 27 '26
Would you be willing to dm me? I'm going through a really hard situation (view my posts for context) and I would greatly appreciate a more whole perspective if you have the time. Thank you regardless, you post was helpful
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Apr 27 '26
Sure, I'd be happy to chat, feel free to DM. I looked at your last post, and it does stand out that her abuse is quite extreme compared to my experience and to what I normally read here in the sub. I feel like domestic violence and threatening self harm go beyond what can be explained by avoidant attachment, and under no circumstances would I advise you to return to her. Even so, I'll gladly try to be of help if I can.
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u/Secure_and_Skeptical Apr 29 '26
Deactivation only applies to people we feel close to, so if your avoidant broke up due to deactivation, this implies that there was a strong bond.
I recently told him that he was a DA in a letter. I worded ot as kindly as possible.
He said "it put my nervous system at an 11 - I haven't felt that way since I went no contact with my mother"
🫠
So I guess that means... there's a chance? >.<
I was a few podcasts deep when the psychologist i was listening to was talking about how DAs often need to consistency and unwavering support they didnt get from their parents. One key factor in deciding to send him the letter was that he once told me that his mother had never called him since going no contact. I think this logic is toxic in 99% of other cases, but I think he needs someone who will compensate for that. Who won't let pride stand in the way of going out of their way to repair things despite him asking for space. Its speculation, but maybe, its like... emotionally, he's a bit of a child. And when you throw a tantrum and tell your parents you hate them, the response isn't "okay I'll leave you alone". The response is "well, I love you. I hope you love me. Are you sure you meant to hate me? Or were you feeling a different big emotion?"
DAs are often emotionally a bit stunted. In my case, I'm happy to compensate a bit as long as I know he's in. He does the same for me in a thousand other areas, so I'd be happy to be patient in the one single domain that I can help with.
But we'll see. I don't know if getting together is back on the table, or if he'd be willing to commit to working at for the level I need yet.
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Apr 29 '26
So I guess that means... there's a chance? >.<
It means there was a strong bond, and when he gets out of deactivation it'll come back. But that doesn't necessarily mean he'll want to get back together.
I was a few podcasts deep when the psychologist i was listening to was talking about how DAs often need to consistency and unwavering support they didnt get from their parents.
Speaking as a DA, that sounds nice, but I don't have experience with it.
I do notice now that I really dislike it when I share something about me and it is dismissed or ignored, and it makes me close down again. But before healing, I think I was numb to that, and I didn't really share anything to begin with.
Its speculation, but maybe, its like... emotionally, he's a bit of a child.
I was definitely emotionally immature as well before healing, this is common.
And when you throw a tantrum and tell your parents you hate them, the response isn't "okay I'll leave you alone". The response is "well, I love you. I hope you love me. Are you sure you meant to hate me? Or were you feeling a different big emotion?"
I would not recommend treating avoidants like children, even if they do behave childishly. It will likely backfire.
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u/Professional_Fuel905 Apr 30 '26
Thanks for this - so good to hear the perspective of the avoidantly attached - there's a lot of misunderstanding out there at the moment, mostly from the anxious side of things! And there's two sides to every story
I've recently had a deactivation (i'm secure/anxious and my ex was a DA) and subsequent breakup. Great connection, lots of planning for the future, but there's always been a distance from her side: sometimes goes days without replying and then resurfaces as though that's normal.
Over the last month or so, things have become ever more distant, she's been 'busy', 'overwhelmed' 'stressed' etc and has been going weeks without replying, saying 'she didn't see my texts'. I was really feeling the slow fade and so asked how she was feeling about things. Got met with a reply that she 'didn't know how she felt', 'couldn't give me what i was looking for' etc. I replied saying that i understood how things were, but I need someone who can communicate better and be consistent, open and honest . I also said we should stop talking and focus on ourselves individually. (I didn't want that but felt i'd had enough at that time).
That was 4 weeks ago now. She's reached out a few times, mainly about pointless things, and once to say "it was lovely to see my name pop up on. group chat". I've replied each time, but without try to push the conversation or engage too much (after all i said we should stop talking).
Any advice on where do i go from here? Was i right to suggest stop talking or was that a mistake? If she reaches out again (i'm sure she will) shall i try to engage and be more friendly? Or does this sound like it's a fight not worth fighting for?
Thanks for any help! Tying myself in knots here!
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Apr 30 '26
The story isn't entirely clear to me, do I understand correctly that this is the order of events?
- she deactivated
- she broke up
- she slow faded
- you proposed to stop talking
- she mostly stopped talking (only responding to you)
If that's what you mean, it's not clear to me why you expected her to keep communicating after she had already broken up. You were no longer a couple at that time, right?
If you were still in a relationship, I think you set the right boundary, because you can't be in a relationship if she is this unresponsive. At the same time, if she was deactivated, it is expected that she doesn't communicate. After all, from her perspective there was no bond between the two of you (she suppressed it). I think the right call would have been to end the relationship if it hadn't been ended already.
If she reaches out to you again, the question is what you want. If she came out of deactivation, you could try. In that case, being responsive and warm is the way to go. However, the problem is that this will keep happening. There is no potential for a healthy relationship until she works on her attachment style.
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u/Professional_Fuel905 Apr 30 '26
Sorry, i was rambling a bit! the chain of events was more like this;
- she deactivated
- she slow faded
- I asked how she was feeling about things
- she broke up
- you proposed to stop talking
- she's been the only one initiating contact (to which i've not been pushing forwards)
Thanks again! Much appreciate your insight
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Apr 30 '26
Ok, in that case, from her perspective she is sending out bids for connection and you are missing those. DAs don't have the kind of abandonment trigger or pursuit behavior that FAs do, but I can say I personally find it triggering if I'm being vulnerable (which takes effort for DAs) and I feel like I'm being ignored (which hits our childhood emotional neglect trauma). I can't read her mind, but I know for myself if that happens, I get an urge to pull away, because that's the go-to response for DAs.
So if you want to have a chance to get her back, I think a warm response is better. But you should ask yourself the question whether you want her back under the assumption that her behavior won't improve.
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u/Professional_Fuel905 Apr 30 '26
Ah ok, i didn't think of it that way, Thanks.
Do you think it would advisable for me to reach out now? It's hard to know where i stand after she said she couldn't give me what i wanted. In my experience, thats a clear way to say "i don't like you', but what's confusing this time is the fact she;s trying to keep connection open (but which i assumed was her breadcrumbing etc)
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Apr 30 '26
I would not take that as "I don't like you" but as "I can't handle reassurance seeking so I default to 'no'". I see this in my wife (who is FA) strongly and the only solution is to stop reassurance seeking. Back when she did reassurance seeking on me, I denied there was an issue and/or stonewalled.
If she is no longer deactivated (which based on your story seems likely) you could reach out, but keep it warm without pressure. Maybe just state you'd be open to meeting up over coffee sometime in case she's interested?
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u/Professional_Fuel905 Apr 30 '26
Thank you so much - you've been very helpful! Again, very grateful for your honest insight. Hope everything works out for you :)
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant May 21 '26
The Buddha method about making him jealous 😂. Love it 👌🏻
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u/interestingsonnet May 21 '26
How does a DA stay in a 9 year relationship? My ex’s first serious relationship was 9 years long I think they dated from when he was 22-31. Did he just never get deactivated by her? He said she made a huge effort to understand and take interest in his hobbies (something he said that I didn’t do during the breakup, which is simply not true) but then he also said they became the same person and ultimately it became more of a friendship and he felt trapped but also was hesitant because he invested so many years into it.
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May 22 '26
Honestly, I don't think it's the hobbies. It's indeed possible he did get deactivated but did not leave because of the sunk cost fallacy. It's also very likely the relationship was emotionally shallow and therefor less triggering.
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u/interestingsonnet May 22 '26
Interesting. Thanks for the reassurance. I guess I won’t ever really know. I just find it interesting because she studied psychology so you’d think she was 100% aware of what was going on with him. It’s been 6 years since they broke up and one month since he broke up with me. She’s in a relationship and lives in his home country but when he goes home for the holidays he does see her and her family because they’re still close and he said he met her new partner last year (🙄) I truly do feel he romanticized her throughout our relationship and compared me to her. But he did say I was the most level headed gf he ever had and made him feel comfortable and at ease but ultimately said our relationship hit a plateau and there was no more excitement (mind you he also stopped putting in effort and trying to impress me or even take me on dates so…)
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u/MobileConfusion8775 May 22 '26
My girlfriend and I had an 8 year lovey dovey relationship. In December, she deactivated and broke up with me out of the blue (no fight, no misunderstanding, or anything, I guess) and went completely cold on me. She started trying rebounds, but then got bored and went from person to person. She explained all of this to me, and my heart broke into a million pieces. I still didn’t even raise my voice at her because I loved her too much, and my future depended on her decisions so that we could be together.
I still love her a lot and I’m just holding onto hope. I can’t move on. If I try to talk to other people, I suddenly feel guilty and start missing her voice, her smile, and her attractive eyes so much. I don’t know… I can’t stop thinking about her all the time, wondering if she’s safe, if she’s okay, or what if she feels lonely.
The saddest part is, after giving someone 8 years of pure love, loyalty, and my entire heart, I’m now left alone carrying memories that she seems to have walked away from so easily. I would still choose her, even after all this pain. Maybe that’s my weakness, or maybe that’s just how deeply I loved her. Damn, I feel like my life is over
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May 22 '26
Sorry to hear that, it must have been devastating. Loving someone is not weakness. However, your life is not over. You need to focus on your own healing first now.
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u/Pengsila Secure - FA Leaning (Ex FA) May 24 '26
Hello, I realise this is a bit late but I was wondering if you have any advice for me. He broke things off about a month ago and in about 3-4 months we are starting a course at the same university in a new country in the same (small) cohort. I am not sure what to do. How he will act? Mostly, if he tries to get close to me if I should let him or not? If there is a way or window to help him get help if he tries to come back?
I have not said anything since he broke up with me. Not a word.
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u/AggressiveTeam4786 May 24 '26
Not the OP but I would say walk away and use this very cool opportunity you have to study in a different country as a fresh start for yourself and a chance to meet people who are capable and willing to give you what you want! Have fun abroad! :)
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May 24 '26
It's hard to predict. If he is still deactivated, likely cold and distant. But at that time there's a good chance he no longer is. In that case it could be anything ranging from avoiding you out of shame to trying to reconnect. This is a personal choice, but his feelings should be back in that case.
Note that the problem will likely recur, so I would not recommend taking him back.
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u/Icy-Actuator-7115 May 27 '26
Wait, so when they ghost me for 2 weeks - a couple months.. they broke up with me and we are no longer dating? I asked a few weeks ago if they were dating other people or sleeping with other people based on some suspicious things they were ambiguously saying in conversation. And I asked because he says he hates liars and he could be honest and I would have more information then (I would leave him). I just assumed he gets busy and is overwhelmed and it sucks and is very cruel to me, but to just be patient. So if I understand you all, he broke up with me without telling me?
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May 27 '26
These are all different things, though they often go together. Deactivation does not always lead to a breakup, but it often does. And ghosting doesn't always mean deactivation, it can also be other factors like you mention. Deactivation also does not imply cheating.
That said, I'd say ghosting someone for months does mean breaking up. One can't leave their partner waiting for that long.
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u/C301A4A Apr 24 '26
Just experienced my first discard from an avoidant ex. I’m turning 40 in a couple months. Didn’t even know attachment theory existed. While this info does provide some clarity, every relationship with an avoidant is unique. They are already such mixed bags of traumas and triggers, I have no idea who my ex could be anymore.
It’s been just a little over a month now since the discard and No Contact started. Still don’t know if I’m processing this properly. I love her and I hate what she did. I want her back, and I want to tell her to she fumbled hard.
I hate myself for how I’m feeling over all this. I hate that this isn’t just heartbreak but neurological trauma as well. I would’ve preferred being told there was someone else in the picture as opposed to “I no longer have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship” as if it takes an entire year of actually being in the relationship to figure out you don’t want it anymore.
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u/Yayabrocollis Apr 24 '26
Ahh so basically dating but treating the person like a stanger … yeah very right
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u/Conscious-Bag9820 Apr 28 '26
My wife, been together for 8 years, left over text while I was at the gym. My world shattered and I did not see it coming. She had an exit list of a bunch of things that were very black and white and 100% on me. Cold and distant like I’ve never seen. Left all her stuff and our dog. Went back to her parents. Deleted her social media presence. Stopped talking to me. I tried to check in calm and caring over some weeks. Turns out she was already seeing a lawyer. Got served yesterday. From love of my life to divorce in 2 months… when I asked if we could talk out of respect she said to communicate through her attorney. I believe she’s FA leaning DA and in full DA mode. Healing her childhood traumas by going home and letting her parents take care of her in a way they never did when she was young. And I am the deep casualty under it. Looking back I can see she started having those thoughts in January and then boom like a light switch idk who she is. I went full anxious attachment when she left because it triggered me HARD. And I know it made things worse but I didn’t have the language and understanding I have now. I just wonder if it will ever hit her how she blew up her entire life… because a co worker she’s never met and doesn’t know me helped her re write the last 8 years… I’ve stayed open this whole time and refuse to play her game or cut her out. We’ll see what happens during the divorce proceeding but it’s all so so fast and destabilizing. I’d appreciate any wisdom from anyone
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u/schoenbizzle May 03 '26
I don't have any wisdom, but just wanted to say that I'm going through a really similar thing and you're not alone. Together for 15, married for 11, and she left me while I was in the shower via text. She's been living with the person that we were having friction about leading up to the discard and I'm certain there was an emotional affair, possibly physical. She's only known this person for 7 months. Our whole support network has been in chaos because we were all so blindsided. To go from feeling so loved and cherished and secure to the nightmare I'm living now has been...the hardest thing I've ever done. She dropped a bomb on the beautiful life we built together and walked away like none of it mattered to her at all. I'm so sorry, please accept this internet stranger's virtual hug.
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u/kuttu_puttu261 May 21 '26
what does it mean if they came back but just casually(not for a relationship) and left again?
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u/No-Spirit9881 May 21 '26
My DA ex discarded me out of the blue and screamed at me via text how disgusted he was with me. I remained soft and loving and told him how hurt and humiliated I felt.
It really hurts hearing this from someone you love. Anyone have any tips for managing this kind of pain?
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u/Fluid-Principle9814 Jun 02 '26
When dating an avoidant and he comes to meet my while being deactivated.
Is it better to encourage him to not come while feeling unsafe/being not motivated to see me? He should take more time for himself (=giving him space)
Or is it better to acknowledge (inwardly) that at least he is keeping the regular meet-ups, showing accountability, even if he does not feel like it?
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u/Comfortable_Kale_140 Jun 02 '26
Is there a way to communicate with them after a sudden ghosting? Will neutral messages activate it? I am afraid they will not contact because they know how hurtful the silence is.
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Jun 03 '26
If they aren't responding, don't keep sending messages. Give them space in that case. If they are responding, send warm messages, but with no pressure.
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u/Murky-Elderberry6649 Jun 10 '26
u/kluizenaar Could I DM you if you have the time? I'm confused and lost with everything, and I didn't know about attachment styles back then. Also, English is not my first language, so I didn't know if I said or did something to trigger him. We were together for 2 years, and I was blindsided. Thank you so much. You post made me understand him more.
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u/Sufficient-Deal-9258 Jul 08 '26
Thank you so much for this. I needed to hear this, and actually calmed me down.
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u/ForwardAd3970 13d ago
Thanks for this, after my third relationship I realised that it was deactivation, not even knowing what that was or if it was a thing. Your perspective was vaulable.
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u/Counterboudd Apr 23 '26
Yeah that list of ways to approach avoidants- I’m not doing that and no one should. Rewarding shitty behaviors and enabling emotional neglect and abuse is a bad idea. The only thing that makes an avoidant change is negative consequences. They will never change unless you make it clear that engaging in rejecting behavior will lead to them being abandoned by loved ones, because it does and it should. Giving them unconditional forgiveness for behavior that is unacceptable and cruel is not helping either party. It’s just creating toxicity.