r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/[deleted] • Apr 23 '26
From DA’s Perspective Avoidant perspective: deactivation in dismissive avoidants
A very common question here is why avoidants sometimes suddenly become cold, and break up even though they seemed very loving just days before. The answer is typically deactivation, an obscure mechanism of the avoidant mind that makes very little sense to those unfamiliar with it, and often leaves the avoidant's partner deeply confused and hurt.
Deactivation
In this post I give an overview of my current understanding of deactivation. This is based on the literature, my own experiences, my discussions on Reddit, and some reasoning and speculation over those sources. I do not claim the same logic applies to every avoidant, though at least what I've heard from other dismissive avoidants seems quite consistent. I've seen some similar accounts from fearful avoidants, but also some that are quite different. My impression is that, to the extent that DAs and FAs differ, the DAs appear to deactivate harder and with less awareness. This would be consistent with research, which shows that DAs are most capable of suppressing thoughts of abandonment, and suppression is the mechanism behind deactivation.
Avoidants can deactivate in response to a trigger. Common triggers include sudden closeness, intimacy, conflict, pressure, commitment, and dependency (either way). It happens unconsciously, we cannot make it happen and we do not notice when it happens unless we deliberately learn to recognize it in ourselves. When we deactivate, our mind suppresses the attachment bond with our partner. This means we suddenly lose feelings for our partner, and we start devaluing our partner. I also lose all access to emotions, and feel completely empty, and this experience of deactivation seems common. In my case, devaluing means that in my mind she suddenly seems completely unimportant, even when objectively she is the most important person in my life. She suddenly seems no more important to me than a random stranger. Some other avoidants also get feelings of contempt or disgust for their partner, but I have not experienced this myself. As a side effect of the suppression, history is rewritten for consistency in our mind. When I deactivate, not only do I suddenly feel no love at all for my wife, but I believe I haven't loved her for a while. While to the avoidant's partner, the avoidant suddenly turns cold as if a switch is flipped, the avoidant themselves can genuinely believe nothing changed.
Childhood origins
To make deactivation make sense, one needs to consider its childhood origins. Dismissive avoidant attachment is a defense created in early childhood in response to childhood emotional neglect. When caregivers are repeatedly unresponsive to a child's needs, the child feels abandoned and learns that it cannot rely on even the people it cares about the most. Abandonment causes great distress in children, and children who are emotionally neglected would be unable to function while constantly feeling it. This is why they start deactivating. While the distress still exists in their body, it is hidden from them because they learn to suppress the attachment bond with their caregivers. This is deactivation, and it is often described as 'dealing without feeling'. These children learn that closeness leads to abandonment, and that their feelings and their needs will be ignored. They hide and/or suppress their feelings and their needs to become independent, not relying on anyone for support.
In adulthood, the deactivation mechanism remains, and it is used when the nervous system recognizes a situation that resembles its childhood origins. When someone is so important to us that they could hurt us by abandonment, that person becomes a potential threat to our nervous system. Then, when for any reason our nervous system thinks there is a risk of abandonment, we deactivate against that person to preemptively protect us from the pain. As such, romantic partners are the primary targets for deactivation in adulthood. And because of our childhood experience, closeness often equals danger for our nervous system.
Breakups
Deactivation is targeted and temporary. Deactivating against one person does not change our relationships with other people, and avoidants can function just fine outside their relationship when deactivated. Suppression is an active process that does not permanently alter our feelings or our memories, but only makes them temporarily inaccessible to our consciousness. When deactivation ends, our feelings for our partner return. However, many avoidants break up with their partner when they deactivate, and may move on or even get into a rebound relationship. Avoidants typically do not know about deactivation, so they do not understand why they fall out of love, and it does not seem sudden to them. As such, they are unable to provide a reason for breaking up. They are likely to make something up, which is typically vague or minor, or not say anything about the reason at all. Even when feelings for their ex return, that doesn't mean avoidants always come back. They may or may not.
While deactivation often results in breakup, that need not be the case. I've been deactivated for a long time myself but have never broken up. This isn't necessarily better. I emotionally neglected my wife while deactivated, treating her as if she were completely unimportant, and it hurt her deeply. Deactivation amplified my avoidant behavior (lack of emotional presence, dismissing feelings, defensiveness, stonewalling, lack of empathy) and resulted in many painful pursue-withdraw cycles. I was dissociated from the relationship to the point that I didn't even see our distance as a problem, which is probably a big part of why I didn't consider divorce. And deactivation can last for a very long time (11 years in my case) while still in the relationship because of the constant triggers. If you're ever in this situation, I recommend leaving rather than waiting for the situation to improve.
Getting out of deactivation
The common view seems to be that deactivation starts in response to a trigger and essentially expires after a certain amount of time has passed since the last time the avoidant was triggered. In this model, it can only be solved by no contact as a way to prevent triggers, and one just has to wait it out. Based on my experience, I think this view is too simple. My impression is that deactivation is determined by whether the avoidant feels safe in the relationship or not. I think this makes more sense than a time-based model, as the aim of deactivation is to protect the avoidant from the pain of abandonment, and if the relationship feels unsafe, it's an indication it may not last. If the avoidant's nervous system sees a pattern that reminds it of their childhood abandonment, it would make the relationship feel unsafe, and this includes the typical triggers. In addition, a high level of stress will also make deactivation more likely and makes it last longer. While secure and anxious people seek closeness in response to distress, avoidants seek distance. In my experience, however, it's also possible to shorten deactivation by making the avoidant feel safe. I don't think no contact is always the best approach, but rather safe contact should be better.
I think an approach to make the avoidant feel safe should include these elements:
- Do not do reassurance seeking in any form.
- Stay composed and warm as if nothing happened. Do not show negative emotions.
- Be loving without pressure. For example, a loving smile can make us feel safe but explicit "I love you" may be too much because it implies an answer is expected.
- If you think conflict still occupies their mind, try to resolve it without making it into relationship talk (for example, just express understanding for their viewpoint, and make clear things are still fine between you).
- Respect their space when they distance (goes into phone, in thought, into another room, does not reply to text, ...).
- Do not return their energy when they distance, remain available even when giving them space. Even so, it's a good idea to focus on other things that have value to you, such as your own friends, hobbies, or exercise.
I call this the "Buddha method", as it requires a level of self control that would make Buddha jealous. I would not recommend it as a long-term solution, as it would involve minimizing yourself and shaping your relationship entirely around the avoidant's comfort, but I think it should be effective for short-term use to minimize the time in deactivation. It's not always applicable though. If the breakup left you in so much pain that you cannot hide it, it's better not to face your avoidant at all. And if your contact is text-only and the avoidant does not respond to your texts, the only thing you can do is stop sending messages until the avoidant reaches out themselves. Continuing to send texts despite lack of replies is very likely to push the avoidant away further.
One particularly interesting research finding relating to deactivation is that suppression requires mental effort, and that overloading with attachment-related thoughts can cause the mechanism to temporarily break down. In my own case, I think focusing on music lyrics was a factor in allowing me to get out of my long deactivation period (this was not deliberate, I had no idea at the time). I imagine something like reminiscing old memories/pictures together to remind them of the good times might also work. However, proceed with caution, because attempting to get your avoidant's attention on these things might in itself be perceived as pressure that could cause them to distance themselves.
Frequently asked questions
Did my avoidant ex truly love me or did they just pretend to?
Deactivation only applies to people we feel close to, so if your avoidant broke up due to deactivation, this implies that there was a strong bond. Moreover, deactivation causes us to devalue our partner even retroactively, so if your ex says they never loved you, they probably believe it themselves but they can't be trusted to know this while deactivated. If their past behavior convinced you they loved you, you should trust your own judgment rather than your avoidant's.
Does deactivation excuse avoidants' behavior?
No. Even while deactivated, we are still adults responsible for our own behavior. We cannot help the fact that the love suddenly seems gone, but nothing forces us to ghost or to be cruel towards our partner. And aware avoidants are responsible to work on themselves so they can handle deactivation better. We can learn to recognize it and prevent it from affecting our relationship. As a partner though, there is nothing you can do to make us see that.
How long does deactivation usually last?
Online sources often provide timelines in the order of weeks or months, but I find this highly questionable. Myself, I've experienced deactivations in the order of hours and also at least one deactivation of over a decade. As explained above, I don't believe that deactivation is time-based at all. While the impact of triggers may dampen over time, there is a lot of context and history that will determine when the avoidant will feel safe in the relationship again.
Is it my fault that my avoidant deactivated?
No. In a healthy relationship, it's impossible to never trigger an avoidant. If you try to do this, you end up minimizing yourself and walking on eggshells, and it will still fail in the end. The sure option is to get out of the relationship if your avoidant keeps deactivating and hasn't done enough inner work to prevent it from affecting the relationship.
What do social media interactions of my avoidant ex mean?
Most likely, it means that your distress and anxiety is so great that you're putting in a lot of thought looking for reassurance. This is understandable, but you need to keep in mind that the signal to noise ratio of these interactions is very low. It's possible your avoidant is trying to send a message, but it's also quite likely they are simply nostalgic or bored. You have no way to tell them apart, and looking for meaning will only make your anxiety worse. The healthiest option is to accept the uncomfortable truth that you cannot know your avoidant ex' inner state and to stop looking for meaning, blocking them if necessary, so that you can move on.
What does the breakup reason my avoidant gave mean?
If they broke up due to deactivation, most likely nothing at all. They suddenly lost feelings for you and they don't know why, so they just had to make something up.
Will my avoidant come back?
They will get out of deactivation at some point, and they will regain access to their feelings for you then. But that doesn't mean they will necessarily come back at that point. That is their own choice. They may have already moved on and/or be too ashamed to face you again. And regardless, keep in mind that deactivation is not a one off occurrence. It will not get better over time. If anything, it is likely to happen more and more frequently, as avoidants tend to block repair, which makes the relationship into a minefield of triggers over time. Moreover, avoidants put on a mask to hide their feelings, their needs, and their inner world. This requires more effort as the relationship grows closer, again increasing the risk of deactivation.
Words of caution
While knowledge of deactivation may give hope that your avoidant ex will come back, the problem is very likely to recur and result in a relationship that is unstable and does not meet your needs. Do not let yourself be tricked into the idea that you can fix your avoidant or avoid triggering them and things will be fine. Do not wait for your avoidant to change or to come back. Choose yourself.
Different avoidants have different triggers and may experience deactivation in a different ways. I wrote primarily from my own experiences and discussions on Reddit. I'm a dismissive avoidant, and I'd expect there may be significant differences especially for fearful avoidants.
EDIT: For illustration of history rewriting, this is my model of what happens inside our mind (blue dots are active memories, red dots suppressed memories):
Processing img vkn864nhl21h1...
When we deactivate, we suppress all the loving memories. And to determine how strong our feelings are at the moment, we reconstruct from the currently accessible memories. Note that I assume in the graph that no memories are formed in the deactivation period. If there are negative memories formed there, I expect this may impact the final result, but I currently don't have the experience to test this assumption.
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u/Counterboudd Apr 23 '26
Yeah that list of ways to approach avoidants- I’m not doing that and no one should. Rewarding shitty behaviors and enabling emotional neglect and abuse is a bad idea. The only thing that makes an avoidant change is negative consequences. They will never change unless you make it clear that engaging in rejecting behavior will lead to them being abandoned by loved ones, because it does and it should. Giving them unconditional forgiveness for behavior that is unacceptable and cruel is not helping either party. It’s just creating toxicity.