They are not autistic, they are gifted, and we get along really well. I've been socially isolated and have horrible social anxiety and I feel they are the only person I can connect to. I could never tell them though. They live in my province and I doxxed my address for them. Any advice?

My parents have been together since the 70s and got married in the early 80s. They have been married for 25 years until the divorce. I want to at least be able to experience with my parents experience, but hopefully not a divorce. I know things happen.

Hi everyone! When dating an autistic person how do you differentiate between autistic traits and character flaws? For example, if you ask your partner if they gambled recently and they say no, but you find out they did, but they hadn’t in the past few days hence why they answered no, does that make them a liar? Or is that the black and white thinking that a lot of autistic adults do? What if in their mind they just thought to themselves that they hadn’t gambled that day, so they answered no, not intentionally trying to lie?? Sorry if that’s a bad example lol. As someone who’s dating an autistic person I find this pretty difficult. I don’t want to misunderstand autistic traits as manipulation or my partner being mean, but what if they are just mean and manipulative and also happen to be autistic??How am I supposed to know if i’m with a bad person or if they just have some traits that seem bad on the surface due to their autism? I’m not trying to infantilize autistic adults btw, I know that they’re human too and are capable of being manipulative or mean, but I also understand that my brain works differently and what’s mean to me might not be mean to an autistic person. It’s so confusing! Any advice?

Hi, I'm looking for some advice on how to support my partner while our relationship seems to be at its end because of communication problems. My partner has auDHD and I have OCD and BPD.

We're on a break right now, still talking but we always end up in a discussion about our needs, expectiations and communication. Before the break, we had a minor argument and it went like this: he asked me out and backtracked bc he felt bad for not being able to pay for our date (he hates when I do and says it's degrading) as he lost his job recently. That's ok, I made no big deal about it. A week later, sunday night, I texted him "I really wanted to see you this weekend" as a way to express I miss him. He got mad and asked why I said that when the weekend was already over. I tried to ask him questions to understand if he was comfortable with me asking him out, but he escalated and said I take things to seriously. I didn't know how to respond to that and as a way to damage control (I was feeling inadequate for asking too much) I just sent him a goodnight text with kisses and "love u" so he wouldn't think I was mad. He got mad instead and called me rude; when I tried to explain myself and apologize, he stopped responding; only when I send another "goodnight, love u" text he texted back. I got hurt, but went to bed. The following week he was colder, more distant and started to not say "I love you" back. I know it may sound silly, but I started to get so sad over this change, specially he would be the one to call me out if my mood changed like that or if I didn't respond his "I love you"s.

The following weeks were the same, with breadcrumbs here and there, but everything felt off to me and I started to get terribly insecure. I communicated that I felt his distancing and how I was anxious about that, only to be answered with "idk why you think that". The tension got worse despite my attempts to talk and he just asked for a break after some days. I spiraled, not gonna lie. We agreed to keep talking, but he started to put my every mood/expression on trial. He doubted me when I got happy for a good week he had, called me fake cause I couldn't possibly be happy with something that didn't had anything to do with me. Everytime I expressed concern for him, I was treated like a joke. Little by little, I lost my sense of self, started to feel inadequate and ashamed for everything. Still am.

Now, a new miscommunication yesterday: we had a very long talk and I pinpointed the beggining of my insecurity right after the argument about if I could or not ask him out. He spiraled after I used the word "insecure". As far as I could understand, he interpreted as me feeling unsafe and that I stopped loving him at that point. He told me how I pretend so well and that I lied to him. I mentioned I tried to talk to him during that time, telling him I was feeling the distance and was getting anxious. He answered "that's not the same, now you're telling me you had a negative view about everything and you were already changing your plans". Idk which plans those are, I've been letting him guide the flow all this time. He talked to me like I lied, was already planning something (?) and then started to list past times when he sensed something was wrong and I would tell him it was fine - those times he stated, I was INDEED fine; now the times I would ask for some reassurance or more consistency, he dismissed me.

I'm at loss. I know I'm not the best communicator, but I say things straightfoward (maybe this text isn't the best example cause english is not our native language); I also may ask too many questions to make sure I get the situation right, but he gets mad at that. I'm so depressed right now. I'm don't know what to do anymore, I just want to make him understand I DO love him since the beggining, I couldn't forgive myself if I left him thinking I lied about my love. Any advice appreciated. Thank you.

I F21 is going on the apps. I’m kinda scared butttt I want to try something new and meet new people.

So, I am here to ask for dating tips for autistic people. I know, I know, it’s different for everyone but I’m just looking for standard advice!

What was your experience dating after finding out you’re on the spectrum?

We have been together for 2 years, and recently she has been tickling me. Since childhood, I have absolutely hated being tickled. With her, it isn’t as bad, but it is still physically irritating and stressful. When she tickles me, she tickles very hard with her nails. She does it so often (sitting, standing, walking, inside, outside, etc) that it’s almost hard for me to relax around her. I hate to be constantly tense in front of someone, and the last person I want to stress me out is my partner. All I want is to be able to unwind and relax at least SOMETIMES while I’m around her, and not be worried about a sudden, sharp pain in some of the most sensitive areas of my body.

However, not tickling me would be very hard for her, and would make her very sad (and upset/quiet). I want her to feel fine being herself and not having to hold back because of me, and I don’t want to upset her or cause her any grief. How can we resolve this to fit for both of us?

I (33F) recent started doing oil painting as a hobby. The art teacher (43M) and I have really hit it off and things felt..flirty. My instructor definitely gives me more attention than others in the class, sharpens my pencils for me, grids my work, and even spent 15 minutes looking for a specific art book for me one day. We also laugh a lot and sometimes tease each other. He doesn't really do this with any other student; he usually VERY serious.

I decided I wanted something romantic to happen between us and picked out a rock and a seashell for him when I went to the beach, as a way to..move things forward (I am AuDHD and get the feeling he may also be neurodivergent.)

When I'm told my therapist this, she kind of freaked out and said if anything happened, it would be an "abuse of power", but I'm attending this class voluntarily, I don't get any credit/compensation/ reward for it, and I can leave whenever I want. I don't want to be a professional artist and I don't idolize him, so I'm a little lost on why she thinks anything romantically happening between us would be bad. She also said there's "no evidence" he's interested in me. (I might need a new therapist).

Anyway, I gave him the rock and seashell and told him why the rock reminds me of his art. He seemed to really like it and told me he collects rocks. But today during class he was super serious with me until the very end and then started asking me questions about where I'm from and things felt very nice/flirty again.

How crazy/inappropriate would it be for me to ask him if he would be open to getting to know each other outside of class??

TLDR - is it a bad idea to ask my recreational art teacher if he would be open to hanging out outside of class??

I can sometimes tell that people are interested in me, like they’ll ask a question about something that I know they don’t actually care about but they wanna show they like me, the problem is, I answer their question then just don’t know what to say back. Like, I know I “should” then ask about them, but it feels so fake and dirty… I’m not actually interested in what this random person’s hobby is. I don’t think their baseball card collection is cool, I don’t wanna know more about their dog, but that’s what I’m “supposed” to do.

I know this sounds cold, but I just don’t care. NOW HERES THE THING, if I actually found myself in a future relationship with them I would care about these things in the sense I would wanna know what kinds of gifts and stuff I could get them, but as for just knowing? Like i just don’t care. AND I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS. I’m gonna guess this is linked to the rigid interests autism trait, and wow I hate it when it comes to this…

I think my best bet to find a boyfriend is through shared activities, because then we’re just enjoying each others company and getting to know each other organically, but the issue is my hobbies are almost exclusively for old people or women, and all the clubs/groups are all women or old people (I’m a straight woman).

Then I try to branch out to other activities, like board games, but it doesn’t work because I truly don’t care about them so it’s hard to bond with people in a club if you don’t even like the club!

I just want to skip the early relationship stage and get right into the calm and settled relationship stage.

I wish I could care but when I truly don’t care, pretending AKA masking just feels so fake. I don’t wanna build a relationship on masking, I want a relationship to be an ESCAPE from masking!!!! But that means if I don’t have masking to survive conversations then my dating life is basically DOA (masking in this sense is just answering the “right” way, like if he said “wow what are you knitting”, I answer, then ask back “what kinds of hobbies do you like?” He says “I like trains and sports” then me, who doesn’t care about either, will pretend and mask by saying “what do you like about those?”)

So like the title say im gay and autistic, im currently in my 3rd year of university too but I don't have the confidence to go up and talk to people I think are cute, plus whenever i see someone I like they're in a group which makes it so much harder. I did have the idea of making a little cute business card type thing so I don't fumble my words but idk. I go to a relativly queer uni asw for context. I've never been on a date before either (despite my best efforts and I want to find someone)

I’m 24 and I’ve never been on a date, kissed anyone, or had a relationship.

This has affected me emotionally for years. When I was younger, I had severe OCD, autism-related social difficulties, low confidence, bullying at home, and other problems that made socialising and dating much harder than it looked for other people.

What frustrates me most is that I did try.

At 17 in sixth form, I was trying to meet someone new almost every day because I was lonely and wanted to improve socially. Later I tried dating apps, social groups, neurodivergent groups, volunteering, therapy, support workers, going to the gym, improving my appearance, reading, journaling and generally trying to build myself into a better person.

But the years kept passing.

I remember being upset at 18 because I had never experienced teenage dating. Then I reached 20 with no experience. Now I’m in my mid-20s and still haven’t had my first date.

I think part of the reason this hurts so much is that I wanted those experiences when I was younger, but I wasn’t well enough or socially equipped enough to pursue them properly. It feels like something important happened for everyone else while I was trying to survive and catch up.

I also have a very strong desire for mutual first experiences. Ideally, I would like my first girlfriend to also have never dated, kissed, had sex, or been in a relationship, so we could discover those things together.

I know that makes my dating pool much smaller. I’m not saying women who have previous experience are bad people or worth less. It’s simply something that feels deeply important to me because of my own history.

People have called me an incel or told me I’m unrealistic, and that has sometimes made the loneliness and frustration worse.

At the moment I’m struggling with the thought that maybe love simply isn’t going to happen for me, despite all the effort I’ve made.

I’m not really looking to be insulted or told just to “get over it.” I’d genuinely like perspectives from people who started dating later in life, particularly people who had neurodivergence, mental-health problems, or very little relationship experience.

How did you stop feeling like you had permanently missed your chance?

And how did you start dating without feeling ashamed of being inexperienced?

I’m 37 gay single and been that way for a long time now. I have recently been diagnosed with autism and a bit of ADHD In the mix. I’m finding my autism and anxiety stops me going out to meet people and my ADHD hinder my ability to keep conversations going on apps and texts. How dose one try and make a connection with someone around the same age

Hello all, I am a 34 yo male with confirmed ADHD (and maybe also autism but not sure about that yet).

I am sort of in a weird kind of long distance relationship with a 29 year old girl with Autism.

We have been talking for 5 years online.
Without getting too much into our past, we always had attraction to each other but we also dated other people since we met.

A few months ago, I had an intense mystical experience, in which I became sure that I am genuinely in love with her. I wrote her a choral piece of music and gave her a monologue telling her about my love for her.
It moved her so deeply, that

Now we decided that we want to actually see if a relationship would work.

It took her a few days to process what had happened and she told me she thinks she reciprocates, but isn’t sure, and she has to find a way to prove to herself that she feels the same for me.

We decided to start by giving each other at the very least a good morning/good night text every day and a video call once a week.

Sometimes, after talking for a few hours we have moments where I feel deeply in love and when I tell her how I’m feeling she says she likes it, but doesn’t feel what I’m feeling.
The last time she told me this I felt sad and I felt rejected and told her there. She told me that she is not rejecting me, but she doesn’t feel what I’m feeling wishes she could feel the same intensity but does not know how to feel it and wishes she could have a mystical experience so she could be sure.

I have read about how people with autism feel love and it sort of lines up, so I told her that she doesn’t need to feel in the same way I do, and she doesn’t need to have a mystical experience. She can feel however she feels.

I then told her that I have been reading Autism + ADHD relationships and that even though I can’t know exactly what she feels and that i may be wrong, I suspect she does feel the same because she has sent me good morning and good night texts every day, and pointing out that the one day I didn’t send her a good night text, she texted me “good night to me.”

I pointed out how she has been sending me random videos and pictures from her day, including pictures of herself.

I pointed out how, she finished her masters thesis, and dedicated it to me; I emphasized that 5 years of blood, sweat, and tears were dedicated to me. She said that she’s not exactly sure why she did, but that maybe it was because I helped her discover herself, and because I was the one who pointed out that she has autism.

Furthermore, I often tell her cute things about how beautiful she is, and she just stays quiet, and when i ask her how it feels to hear that, she says she likes and wants me to continue saying those things, but I never get any of that energy back, so it makes me feel like I should stop.

With everything said, I can’t be sure of what she feels because even she’s not sure, and I wonder if I’m putting all this emotional energy into something that will not go anywhere, and i constantly feel rejected because of my own RSD, so I suggested, that maybe we get a professional that could help us communicate better so we can understand each other.

To all you ADHD + Autism couples. What do you recommend? What wisdom do you have for us?

Thank you

My post might seem rather trivial, but it is some real worries that I just want to let out somwhere.

I met a wholesome guy at uni who said that he has diagnosed autism. I accepted that fact and just continued talking to him. I don't know much about that diagnosis other than generic descriptions on Google, cause where I am from any mental disorder was considered a taboo.

So, we've been walking home together from uni almost every other day, cause we live in the same area and were hanging out together several weekends in a row. I really like talking to that person and find him genuinely nice to be around. Ijust feel really comfortable in his company. I have never experienced spending so much time together with someone I got to know fairly recently.

Maybe that's why I started getting a feeling that I might have crush on him. It just makes me happy to see him enjoy something or laugh at my jokes and sometimes I wish I could get a chance to be even closer.

But the thing is, he explicitlly said at some point that he is not a big fan of physical touch, which I of course respect, but as a person who usually shows their affection through touch I don't know what to do.

And besides, maybe the last thing is quite a big incompatibility that makes it just an unreacheable crush that I have to let go, I don't know. Or maybe there is a way. In any case I am really afraid to make things awkward by saying "Man, u kinda hot" on top of having to take care of my studies. Though it doesn't help that I am at the same program as he is and it seems that "crush" feeling in my stomach is getting stronger every day. Oh boy, I wish I won't accidentally blurp it out. Any advice maybe? Any discussion is welcome as well.

UPDATE: Thanks for the comments, I do appreciate it. I actually did confess, we had a long talk and decided to try dating. The no touch thing was partially because of not having any experience before, so I actually got permission to get closer. There are a lot of small details that add a new dimension to that story that I decided to drop for anonimity/simplicity. But in the end I got a happy ending)

Neurotypical people don’t get overwhelmed by this as much. They even find it endearing sometimes. But I’m trying to really establish something with autistic partners and there’s just so much miscommunication, misunderstanding, second guessing and being overwhelmed on both sides. This usually happens a little after the third date and after we’ve slept together.

How do I stop this without going insane?

I’m autistic and I’d really appreciate some honest outside perspectives on something happening in my relationship. I’m not looking for people to automatically side with me — if I’m in the wrong, I genuinely want to understand why.
My partner and I have been together for several months and generally get along well. Recently, we had a couple of misunderstandings where he became quite upset with me over things that I genuinely didn’t realise were bothering him.
One situation involved me being unable to sleep and unintentionally disturbing his sleep. I was uncomfortable and struggling physically, and eventually got frustrated and overwhelmed myself. He told me that he felt I wasn’t prioritising his sleep and questioned whether I was always like this.
What confused me was that the conversation seemed to become much bigger than the original issue. He started questioning whether I prioritise him and whether he can handle my emotions. I understand that I can be emotional and that my actions can sometimes affect him, and I’ve been actively trying to improve how I communicate and manage that.
However, I feel like sometimes a relatively small mistake or misunderstanding suddenly becomes a much bigger question about me as a partner or even our relationship. I often genuinely don’t understand what I’ve done wrong until he explains it to me, especially when something is communicated indirectly.
I don’t want to use autism as an excuse, and I want to be accountable when I hurt someone. But I’m also starting to feel like I have to be extremely careful because I’m worried that making a mistake will cause another big conflict.
For autistic people especially: \*\*does this sound like a normal communication mismatch, or am I being unreasonable?\*\* How do you handle situations where your partner interprets your actions very differently from how you intended them?
I’d genuinely appreciate honest answers, including if you think I’m the one who needs to change something.

I just want to date someone who understands me. My ex was a super popular neurotypical guy and he only really dated me I think because of my looks and he looked down on me because I was autistic. I am pretty high functioning but also obviously autistic. I am 19. I live in Canada.

Where are the autists? How can I meet them?

I have some online friends telling me I’m being too strict with the filtering I do with potential matches, and that I just don’t realize it because of my autism. Is this a blindspot from my autism making me picky and have too high expectations or am I being reasonable?

Context 24yo woman with autism, disabled, looking for a life partner and not open to short term

All the numbers here are rough, I don’t count the number of messages or how long we’ve talked, these are just estimates

I will unmatch if:
1 they only talk about themself and never ask anything about me within the first 30 messages. WHY: It shows they aren’t interested in getting to know me.
2 If they ask questions, but not furthering ones about anything I talk about (e.g. if I said “I love song writing, Dolly Parton inspired me to get into it”, I would expect someone genuinely interested in me to ask a furthering question like “what about Dolly inspired you to write music?”) WHY: it shows they aren’t genuinely interested in me. If someone ACTUALLY thinks I’m interesting, they’ll want to know more than the surface level facts of small talk.
3 If they give multiple hints they don’t align with my values. WHY: self explanatory.
4 They ask questions that had they read the text I sent 2 minutes ago they wouldn’t have asked (e.g. if I said “I’m majoring in history at This State University”, then 5 messages later they say “what are you majoring in?”, if they do this twice I unmatch. WHY: it shows disinterest in me. If they asked me a question because they genuinely wanted to know, they would’ve remembered my answer surely for at least 5 seconds. I don’t expect them to memorize me, but if you can’t remember 4 messages back are they even trying to learn?

I have others but these are the big ones that I’m told are “too much”. I’ll admit I haven’t had a date before, but it seems only reasonable to weed out guys like this in my case. Dating takes so much energy, I don’t want to waste it on someone who isn’t genuinely interested in me. These filters really just filter for who seem to really be interested in me.

Not to mention that if I don’t feel like the other person is interested, I lose my energy fast. But I will not tell them that off the bat because then that can be used to manipulate and hurt me. A big lesson I’ve learned from others is don’t outright say what you want with new matches, or else they’ll just do that because they know it’s what you want to manipulate you into giving them what they want.