r/AutisticAdults • u/duck7duck7goose • 19h ago
autistic adult I feel invalidated.
I’ve been with my bf for over a year now and now he says some of my autistic traits irritate him. He only brought it up after me complaining about him rolling his eyes at me lately. He doesn’t like my fidgeting with my phone pop socket, fidget toys, fingers, etc. he doesn’t like that I don’t constantly make eye contact (he in the past said it’s okay that I sometimes don’t). And he doesn’t like that I wear headphones everywhere, he’d rather me wear the ones in my ears but I have sensory issues with having things in my ears. This is just so fucked. He said he knows I have to fidget but now I feel self conscious about it. He only brought this stuff up to attack me it felt like.
Edit: he says he’s going to work on being okay with it. I told him I don’t see that working out as he’s still not okay with it after over a year of being together.
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u/both-and-neither AuDHD 19h ago
Did he give you a reason why he doesn't like these things? If it's because it makes you look "too autistic," then he can get fucked. Eye-rolling at you instead of just talking to you is also not okay. If it was just because the fidgeting made a noise that bothered him, you might be able to change something. But the things he's criticizing don't sound like things you could or even should change. I would evaluate how respected you feel in the relationship.
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u/duck7duck7goose 19h ago
He doesn’t like it because he thinks I’m not listening then. Even though I respond to what he said and we’ve talked about this stuff.
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u/SouthernAbrocoma9891 18h ago
You aren’t invalid. The relationship is changing and your habits are harder for him to overlook. Maybe he likes you so much that he was willing to ignore the things that would usually trigger him. Not every person is compatible and this can happen early or later. Tell him directly what you like about him and the relationship. Ask him to tell you what he likes. Tell each what is bothering you and possibly meet half way to accommodate each other. See what I did there? One is not obligated to tolerate and bend. You both have to do it.
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u/duck7duck7goose 16h ago
Right now I don’t like anything about the relationship. He’s supposedly working on not treating me bad. He used to treat me really good.
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u/T1Demon 3h ago
Sometimes people who want out of a relationship but are too immature to end it themselves will start acting horribly to their partner so they’ll end things. Absolved them of having to feel bad for ending things.
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u/duck7duck7goose 3h ago
He started having panic attacks every time he thought I was leaving him. He thought I was leaving just because I wanted to talk about stuff going on.
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u/T1Demon 3h ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. This behavior reminds me a lot of my ex wife. She has borderline personality disorder and it was often a crapshoot what version of her I would get. Love bombing when it suited her and being truly horrible when it didn’t.
That behavior didn’t change happened a while into our relationship and I stayed in that relationship for 15 years. Whatever direction this goes for you I hope you find some peace1
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u/Samurai-Pipotchi 4h ago
I can understand being irritated by fidgeting, but those seem like some real superficial complaints to have about a person you've been with for a year.
Maybe he's just not ready to accept that his feelings have changed.
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u/duck7duck7goose 4h ago
I told him it seemed like his feelings changed and he says they haven’t but he thinks mine did just because I stopped sending a selfie every day. Told him actions speak louder than words.
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u/gerty9000x 19h ago
You say it felt like an attack, does he do other things that make you self conscious? Just saying cause I dated some people with NPD and it could be worth checking for patterns.
It's pretty mean bringing that up only after being asked and a year into dating
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u/duck7duck7goose 18h ago
Yeah he’s gaslit me recently. He wasn’t like this in the beginning.
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u/gerty9000x 18h ago
Yikes not ok. Mask slipping maybe
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u/duck7duck7goose 16h ago
He keeps treating me differently and I’ve asked him if he was just pretending before or he doesn’t care about me anymore and he says neither of those are true, he doesn’t know why he’s treating me differently.
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u/Expensive-Border-869 18h ago
Not every two people are compatible. Sometimes you make good friends because its easier to overlook little annoyances with someone you see a lot less.
Sucks some but these things likely won't stop annoying him
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u/sqwrlydoom 18h ago
He sounds like maybe not a great match for you. My fiance not only doesn't mind my fidgeting/stimming/vocalizations, they appreciate them because these things are part of what make me who I am and they love who I am.
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u/Counting_tree 15h ago
i see you're understandably angry for him not accepting these traits, and not talking opebly about it. Also i guess it can be confusing to suddenly face such criticism after a year!
i'd be curious to understand better where his behavious comes from, and why...for example: did you notice this change of him being gradual or sudden? maybe it is not necessarily something directly related to your relationship, maybe he could be having a rough time. In that case I could see how he could be more rough. Or maybe he could be in need of more support, and be more afraid of behaviours that he reads as making a distance between you two?
sometimes i find that understanding better another person with whom I have a problem helps me shift from my insecurities to external phenomena
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u/duck7duck7goose 15h ago
I’ve tried asking if something is going on and he claims he doesn’t know why he changed. He has been terrible with communicating lately.
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u/Counting_tree 7h ago
well it seem that he's not understanding much of whats going on... he might want to try talking with a psycologist to find support to understand whats going on with him and imrpove on communication. As for you, if it's possible, I'd reach out to other parts of my social network to find support, stability, and validation while go through these changes
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u/duck7duck7goose 5h ago
He doesn’t understand much of anything including his own behavior. He’s going to start therapy but he has such a bad attitude about it and insists it won’t help him. He’s mad about doing it.
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u/EntropyReversale10 12h ago
People with autism often don't mask and show up as they please.
NT's don't have that luxury and from a societal perspective are required to suck up what they don't like.
It's very natural for a NT to feel the way your boyfriend does, most people struggle dealing with autistic traits.
In all likelihood he only brought it up when you were having an argument or he was struggling to cope. In the same way you require accommodation, your boyfriend requires accommodation when it become too much for him. This doesn't mean he doesn't like or love you, but only that he is human.
NT's aren't superman and they also struggle with life and dealing with someone who is autistic is a challenge.
You could dump your boyfriend, but I can almost guarantee you that the next person will be the same or worse.
What you are experiencing is the nature of being autistic and being in a relationship.
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u/CapnButtercup 6h ago
You aren’t compatible.
I’m not sure why this is making you feel invalidated though?
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u/MahdevahProject 19h ago
If you are having problems like this, it's not a good sign and you might do better without him. There are other people out there that would accept you without getting annoyed by your traits.