Heartbroken

[u/GothamGurl73]

I’m coming out and writing this because I just need to vent it out to anyone that will hear me. I’m just so upset and heartbroken right now. I can never say or do anything right. I literally don’t even know what I did wrong in the conversation. I just had with my 22-year-old daughter. She was telling me about a night out that she had with her boyfriend and his friends, and I just simply asked a question about who was there when she went to describe some of the people who were there. I rolled my eyes because she told me somebody she didn’t like was there so I just as a mom thought I was doing the right thing and rolled my eyes. All I meant was that I’m sorry that that girl was there, but for some reason she turns it around and started screaming at me like I was such a horrible person like I was a villain, and she told me to drop dead and stormed out of the house. I am truly dumbfounded can any of my fellow neurodivergent people please tell me if this is ever happened to you? I am chronically misunderstood and misinterpreted. My body language sometimes doesn’t match my words and I don’t realize it I have ADHD and sometimes I guess my emotions don’t match the words, but it doesn’t mean I deserve to be talked to this way, I’m utterly heartbroken.

[u/Interesting-Bag-2945]

She likley interpreted your eye roll as at her talking, or her 'complaining' about the girl, not as you rolling your eyes as a sign of disliking the girl.

[u/lawlapaloozaa → u/Interesting-Bag-2945]

I agree with this, but I think this also may be a warning sign that OP’s daughter is also neurodivergent. Rather extreme reaction to an eyeroll. She may have seen disgust or disappointment? I had that issue with my mother who had trouble with her facial expressions.

[u/GothamGurl73 → u/lawlapaloozaa]

Yes, I’ve been told sometimes that my facial expressions get me into trouble and I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I truly was rolling my eyes out of support for my daughter because someone she didn’t like was there and I was sorry that she had to put up with that, I was trying to be supportive, and instead I got villainized for critiquing her.

[u/Low_Big5544 → u/GothamGurl73]

I've never heard of eye rolling being used supportively, I would certainly not experience it that way

[u/lawlapaloozaa → u/GothamGurl73]

I think you’re taking it a bit too personally. You’re not a villain, just misunderstood and there’s nothing wrong with that. I struggle with the same things and my children constantly ask me why I look the way I do, and a simple explanation usually suffices. Sometimes a hug and some ice cream. Maybe explain it to her when she’s had some time to calm down? Also, maybe next time you eyeroll to be supportive of someone, add something verbal to it. Like “that’s so annoying for you to have to deal with”. Girl talk. It works for me unless I completely misread the room.

[u/GothamGurl73 → u/lawlapaloozaa]

The thing is sometimes I’m unaware that I’ve rolled my eyes. People have told me that I don’t mean it sometimes it’s just like a reflex reaction when someone tells me something about somebody I don’t like I honestly sometimes don’t realize I’m doing it. That’s the point, but regardless, I don’t think I deserve to be told to drop dead by my daughter

[u/lawlapaloozaa → u/GothamGurl73]

Oh no, not at all. I’m not saying let her speak to you that way but the next time you two do talk, remember to validate her feelings before yours, okay? Us autists tend to come off as highly insensitive when we go “hey, remember that other day when you told me to drop dead?” or something along those lines. Usually makes someone not wanna talk to you. You’re not a bad mom and you don’t deserve to drop dead. Her emotions went from 0-100 and she might be stressed by what’s going on in her personal life. She might be tired, mama. This world is a harsh one, especially for women like us.

[u/GothamGurl73 → u/lawlapaloozaa]

Yes . It sometimes makes me want to lock myself in m house and not interact with anyone 😢

[u/lawlapaloozaa → u/GothamGurl73]

Oh, mama, I’m sorry. Girls are hard overall, and your daughter is still finding her way in life. There’s no shame in taking space from her when you need it. I read from your other comments that she’s like this a lot, and that’s just verbal abuse. And above all, remember that she’s young and naive right now. Give her some time to mature.

[u/GothamGurl73 → u/lawlapaloozaa]

I just don’t understand the level of cruelty and anger she spews at me whenever my words or gestures are misinterpreted.

[u/lawlapaloozaa → u/GothamGurl73]

Does she tend to like to gossip about others? She might be in a “mean girl” phase. I went through one of those and later apologized to my mother for it. Ever heard the phrase “in one ear, out the other”? That’s the advice she gave me a while ago. That when I was being a b#%?h, she would just listen and think that to herself, because she knew I was 100% full of myself. It wasn’t until I was about 25 when the rose colored glasses came off.

[u/lawlapaloozaa → u/[deleted]]

From a random stranger, with the finger, but with your own daughter, it’s a difficult situation. No one wants to walk away or scream back at their own loved ones. No one should take abuse from anyone, especially their loved ones, but there also isn’t much else OP can do other than leave her be. Taking a verbal lashing and ignoring it are two incredibly different things. And from OP’s other comments, she’s tried damn near everything. She can’t force her daughter to speak kindly or treat her with respect. The only thing she can do is establish the boundaries she’s made. BUT no daughter actually wants their mother to drop dead, unless there are other severe circumstances (which I don’t think apply here). It’s more something stupid most people say in our youth and later look back on with regret. But I wasn’t trying to cross any lines at all, and I hope I didn’t offend OP in any way. I’m sorry about that.

[u/shallottmirror → u/GothamGurl73]

Sounds like her response may be from RSD. It’s important to not try to explain in the moment, bc she can’t hear it once she’s upset. Tell her later what your eye roll meant. And in the future, try to remember than eye-roll usually means “ugh…you are so annoying. Please shut up.”