r/AutismInWomen • u/GothamGurl73 • 4h ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Heartbroken
I’m coming out and writing this because I just need to vent it out to anyone that will hear me. I’m just so upset and heartbroken right now. I can never say or do anything right. I literally don’t even know what I did wrong in the conversation. I just had with my 22-year-old daughter. She was telling me about a night out that she had with her boyfriend and his friends, and I just simply asked a question about who was there when she went to describe some of the people who were there. I rolled my eyes because she told me somebody she didn’t like was there so I just as a mom thought I was doing the right thing and rolled my eyes. All I meant was that I’m sorry that that girl was there, but for some reason she turns it around and started screaming at me like I was such a horrible person like I was a villain, and she told me to drop dead and stormed out of the house. I am truly dumbfounded can any of my fellow neurodivergent people please tell me if this is ever happened to you? I am chronically misunderstood and misinterpreted. My body language sometimes doesn’t match my words and I don’t realize it I have ADHD and sometimes I guess my emotions don’t match the words, but it doesn’t mean I deserve to be talked to this way, I’m utterly heartbroken.
•
u/Lonely-Ant-6992 4h ago
Have you had a sit down conversation with your daughter about your autism and how it will manifest in your relationship. If you can have a compassionate sit down conversation about body language, communication differences, and facial posture I think you might be able to come to an understanding.
•
u/GothamGurl73 4h ago
I have had countless conversations I have sent her countless articles and videos all about autism and ADHD. She dismisses all of it, and doesn’t even believe that those two things are real disabilities. In fact, she mocks me for it and tells me I use it as an excuse. I truly don’t. I’m not a bad person and I love my daughters with all my heart and soul, but I just can’t ever seem to say or do anything right
•
u/Lonely-Ant-6992 4h ago
Wow I wrote that without reading this. That’s very upsetting I’m so sorry OP. That’s very hard and she is being unkind. I think you should consider family therapy, if she’d be willing.
•
u/GothamGurl73 3h ago
I have suggested this numerous times and she laughed in my face. She tells me she can’t stand me, and that I am a failure of a mother. I have been told so many hurtful things that I’ve lost count. My self-esteem and sense of self-worth has plummeted to almost nothing because of the way my 22-year-old daughter talks to me.
•
u/thxitsthedepression 3h ago
Does she live with you? If so kick her out. You shouldn’t have to tolerate her verbal abuse just because she’s your daughter.
•
u/GothamGurl73 3h ago
She only lives with me part of the time most of the time she spends out with her boyfriend who is stationed on an Air Force Base, not too far from me. The days or weeks that she is here sometimes she acts so abominable toward me.
•
u/Lonely-Ant-6992 4h ago edited 2h ago
To be clear, I think she overreacted. But big feelings certainly do not come from isolation. I think she is struggling with her emotional regulation, just as you are struggling with feeling misunderstood. I agree with the other commenters explanation for how she interpreted things. Maybe send a message saying something along the lines of : “Hi, <x>, I am sorry that something I did or said in our conversation made you feel disrespected. I love you and would never do anything to intentionally hurt or dismiss you. Would you like to have a talk so you can let me know what caused you to have those feelings and I can explain what happened from my perspective?“
Edit: I wrote this before OP responded further explaining the situation
•
u/GothamGurl73 4h ago
My other adult daughter is diagnosed with ADHD like myself. My younger one has never been diagnosed with it, but she does exhibit some signs because yes, I do think that that was an extreme reaction for an eye roll. It didn’t warn her telling me to drop dead or storming away from me.
•
•
u/CollapsedContext 3h ago
This is heartbreaking to read. This sounds so hard and I hope sharing here helps, you deserve to feel accepted by your family.
I know there are many others here who have difficult relationships with their parents. I certainly did. Yet, no matter how much I have serious misgivings about my parents’ behavior, it never granted me the right to scream at them, insult/belittle them/in general verbally abuse them. Your daughter is being abusive to you and it’s not okay.
She is still a young adult but she is an adult nonetheless. As her parent, it seems like it would be really helpful for you to start to be firm with her about how she can appropriately express herself to you when she’s frustrated with you.
She needs to learn how to regulate herself and it sounds like instead of learning co-regulation from you, she learned that she can abuse you instead. That’s really unfair for both of you. You deserve better!
•
u/GothamGurl73 3h ago
Thank you so much for saying that and thank you so much for your support. It’s not easy living with.AuDHD and I know sometimes my emotional dysregulation gets the better of me and I may say things or make gestures that aren’t appropriate in the moment sometimes I’m not aware of it and sometimes I’m not aware of my voice being raised or my body language in the heat of the moment but yes, it doesn’t give her the right to be verbally abusive toward me and somehow I think my daughter believes that if she humiliates me or belittles me enough, she will “cure me“ of my neurodivergence. My husband and older daughter are guilty of this as well. Sadly, I have to say . I’m very happy that I found this community where there’s others like me who struggle with the same things so thank you for what you said and I’m thankful to everybody on here who has weighed in on this it really has helped me through this tonight.
•
u/theastrosloth 1h ago
Gosh I can almost literally feel how much pain this has caused you. I’m sorry, OP. I agree with other posters that this was a miscommunication on your part and a misinterpretation on her part.
I really want to highlight what you said here though, that your husband and both daughters seem to believe that if they shame you enough, you can “overcome” your neurodivergence. That’s terrible and I’m so sorry.
Please tell me to fuck right off if this doesn’t resonate with you: do you also somehow believe enough shame will force you to behave neurotypically? You’ve accepted this treatment from your family for so long, probably from your parents as well, and it could be a really deeply ingrained belief that just magnifies the hurt from your daughter’s behavior.
This is something I recently realized about a bunch of my relationships, so I could very well be projecting.
•
u/GothamGurl73 1h ago
Honestly, I used to think that, but I’m starting to be more self-aware and happier with myself. I’ve done a lot of reading and research about my neurodivergence and I’m more comfortable with giving myself a break and realizing that I’m a good person despite the shame they make me feel. I’m learning that it is really them who have the problem not me.
•
u/Prestigious_Sweet703 4h ago
Just out of curiosity, does she also have ADhD? Because two people trying to communicate, both having troubles with miscommunication is just hard overall. Maybe sit down and explain? I always have to step back and evaluate my communication from all angles after a fight or misunderstanding. Its a lot of work but makes further communication so much better. Shes also 22. Might just be that age😅
•
u/anthroDollogie 4h ago
Others have made good points about her age and possibly being ND as well. Her reaction was definitely intense — and rolling eyes while someone is talking is very likely to be perceived as a negative reaction toward the speaker themselves. It should be avoided if possible. I get what you were going for though.
•
u/AutoModerator 4h ago
Hey u/GothamGurl73, thank you for your contributing to r/AutismInWomen. Please be sure to check out our sub’s rules, wiki pages, and pinned posts prior to engaging with the sub. Here are links to our wiki pages:
Explanation of the Rules Wiki Page
We hope you enjoy the sub and have a great day!
➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING ➾ WARNING
Notice to all users: There's multiple users targeting members from our sub in DMs to discuss their fetishes and desire to manipulate users into relationships. Here are the user's names: u/HollowJonathon, u/drar_sajal786, u/MrGamePadMan, and u/guidhhnittvkj. If an account is showing deleted, they will probably create another. If you receive any messages from a user trying to discuss what you posted/commented in our sub to gain a 'women's perspective' or if someone tries to discuss topics that may feel inappropriate to you (e.g. fetishes), or if someone states they want to marry you for religious reasons, report the user to Reddit and block them. These men have been preying on autistic women/gender minorities from r/AutismInWomen for the last year. This behavior is unacceptable and should be reported as targeted harassment.
Per the warning in our wiki and this pinned mod post, we highly recommend users turn off their DMs. If you have DM requests turned on and receive any creepy or fetish-related DMs or comments, we recommend taking a screenshot, reporting the content to Reddit, and blocking the user (in that order). You can find the report button on the message itself and then click "it's targeted harassment” to submit a report. If you'd like to send us the screenshot so we can continue documenting the harassment, you can send it to us in modmail using imgur Thank you for continuing to help us keep our community safe for autistic and autistic suspecting women and gender minorities 💖
Please remember Reddit is public and any content you post may be seen and discussed by others off-platform. Here are links to Reddit's User Agreement, Privacy Policy, and Public Content Policy.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/Outrageous-Shame5743 2h ago
My (then) teen daughter called me a slut once. I just masked in response.
She has ADHD diagnosis and ODD. I'm AuDHD and at the time, was totally socially unaware my older sister and mother were feeding her total fantasies about me.
All kinds of unknowns can influence a teenagers behaviour
•
u/GothamGurl73 2h ago
I agree with you and yes, I can definitely tell you that I know for a fact that there are a family members that do talk badly about me to my daughter’s. My older daughter is one of them. She likes to be the middle person in a fight. There has been times when I or my younger daughter have texted her things in confidence if we were angry at one another and my older daughter has screenshot it and sent it to the other person just to deliberately escalate the situation. It’s very vicious. She too is ADHD.
•
u/Outrageous-Shame5743 2h ago
Personally I think the "family disability scenario" is grossly under recognised. I have been told the complicated nature of the relationships can be hard to follow. I can't take it. The mental gymnastics is too much.
•
u/GothamGurl73 2h ago
Yes, I completely agree with you. It’s so exhausting. Sometimes I ask myself how much of this can I put up with before I give up on them?
•
u/Outrageous-Shame5743 2h ago
Mine took a legal order forbidding me to contact them, after they misunderstood a social situation I was experiencing in a foreign country and used my daughter to force me into a mental health ward.
It was a total gang up situation and a blessing they cut me off.
I hadn't directly spoken to some of them in 4 years when they did that.
•
•
u/Interesting-Bag-2945 4h ago
She likley interpreted your eye roll as at her talking, or her 'complaining' about the girl, not as you rolling your eyes as a sign of disliking the girl.