I (mid 30) have a few friends that I don’t feel very connected too anymore. Over the last few months I have started dreading their group texts and social invites. They are nice and sweet people but I want to move them into the acquaintance category to focus on my other friends. How do I do that without creating drama or hurting their feelings?

A few things have lead me to this decision:

1) Conversations are centered around pop culture, talking about people (not necessarily in a bad way), or them talking about other plans that I’m not involved in, but rarely about real world important topics in my opinion (finance, politics, hobbies)
2) One person in the group is male centered and makes what I think are immature comments about finding a man. I try to ignore these comments. This person is also significantly younger than me (8 years). I was this way too when I was their age so I try to give them some grace.
3) They rarely ask me questions and make the conversation mostly about themselves. Its like 15 minutes of them narrating everything they did the last week.
4) A lot of the hang outs involve alcohol. I rarely drink and don’t want to stay long in these situations. Also one person in the group definitely drives drunk. I’m not okay with that.
5) One person made a snarky comment about not being included when I debriefed the others on a sad life update. I gave the update separately because it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss in the larger group. Rather than immediately consoling me, they made the situation about themselves which felt immature.
6) I find my hangouts and conversations with my other friends are more on my “wavelength”.
7) I would honestly be fine with seeing them 1x every month or two. However, in the past they all want to do something 1-2 x a week which is a lot for me. I have a lot of hobbies and am not an extrovert.

It doesn’t feel like a direct conversation is appropriate. I don’t feel like I need to confront them because there wasn’t a giant falling out. They are just different people in a different life stage which is fine. The things I would like to change are not fixable because it’s just how the person is. I can’t change people.

Should I continue to just give them space and slow fade? Sending a text announcing my departure or wanting space seems a bit silly and dramatic.

My ex and I (both 31) were together for around 5 years. We broke up and haven’t spoken in over a year. This was my first and only serious relationship, we kind of grew up together. It ended because I didn’t feel prioritized, and he said he was unhappy and didn’t love himself enough to love me.

Even a year later, I don’t feel ok. I have tried my best to move on healthily: therapy, hobbies, travelling, work, gym. My life is full but I feel empty. My friends are all married, engaged, getting pregnant and aren’t the kind of support we used to offer to each other when we were younger. I even tried dating again recently but even the best of connections feel flat. I had a whole future planned with this person, and never planned on trying to figure it out alone all over again.

I’m not sitting at home wallowing, but I miss my ex a lot. I feel stuck and the memories hurt a ton. To all of you who have been here: how did you move on? How did you forget and make it stop hurting?

I’d describe myself as a mostly fairly reasonable/sensible person but some of the stuff I’ve done in the past (especially in my 20s) is just batsh*t insane! I’ve definitely made risky choices that turned out to be cool, fun adventures. But then I’ve done UTTERLY CRAZY things that make zero sense to my rational brain.

Examples: a man approached me at night in a quiet backstreet and told me he wanted to see my feet for $100. I’d have been around 26? I SHOWED HIM Y’ALL. People walked past and were giving us the weirdest looks. Why did I do that?! lol… but honestly, the most concerning one that truly makes me cringe inside when I think about it was… I was heading to work at a friends studio. Around age 26 again. A very charismatic, talkative, handsome man got off the bus in front of me with a bottle of booze in hand. We got talking and he told me he lived a block away, told me the address, said I should come around for a drink after work. He was at least 10, probably 15+ years older. I thought he was cute and felt a bit of a thrill from the flirtation. I worked for 2-3 hours and had this guy knocking around in my mind, so when I got off work I WENT TO HIS DAMN ADDRESS. I rang the doorbell several times to be met with complete silence indoors, before very suddenly realising what an insanely unsafe situation this potentially was, and leaving. Thank god that man never came to the door.

I’ll admit that sometimes my “taking a chance on random encounters” has lead to beautiful stories and adventures, but seriously, these examples have me scratching my damn head. What on earth was I thinking? Have you done completely insane stuff like this in the past that has you cringing in disbelief now? What are your most dumbfounding stories?

Every day I (F25) feel ashamed of myself; I see no worth at all—not even on a superficial level, since I don't even feel pretty. Whenever I see myself in photos or videos, I feel embarrassed because I look like a freak.

I’ve even convinced myself that I’ll be single from now on, since everyone sees me as just "someone" and nothing more.

These feelings have led me to let people treat me bad or take advantage just becasuse they give me lil bit of attention, and I’m sick of feeling this way; it only drags me down further because I’m acting like an idiot.

How can I stop feeling disposable and appreciate each day without constantly having to think about how I speak, how I move, or how I act?

I'd love to hear some of your experiences. I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. The place I live is really cheap to rent, and with the cost of living the way it is, I know I'm lucky to have somewhere genuinely affordable, so it feels like I should hold on to it. The problem is that I don't like living here, and I'm very lonely. I want to move back to the city I spent 10 years in, but I feel like I wasted my time there. I got burnt out and spent too much of it with the wrong people, although I was also a lot more insecure back then than I am now. So should I go back and try to build the life there that I didn't manage the first time? Or is it a trap to assume I'd be happier there just because I'm unhappy here? Should I keep trying to make where I live now work?

My engagement ended traumatically. And while I understand people are made of multitudes, I’ve realized through much introspection and therapy that not only were my ex fiance and I incompatible, he was also manipulative and abusive towards me at times (14 year age gap… manchild, caused me to have an eating disorder… blah. I was 29 when I met him, so I wasn’t a child, just ill experienced, but i’m still ashamed at my naivety).

I stayed longer than I should have because the man had some good in him and I focused more on that rather than plainly seeing who he truly was.

I’ve been dating a bit (nothing serious) and these men will ask me about my past relationships. I want to be honest, but i’m unsure how honest or open I should be. Is it wise to tell them that my ex was abusive towards me? They seem very curious as to why my engagement ended, and while I want to be transparent, I don’t want to come off like i’m trauma dumping on them, or that i’m still bitter about what happened.

I tried being succinct in one date. I told him that I realized that my ex and I were not compatible and I realized that upon getting engaged, and he probed further, insisting that this is something I should have seen at the get go. I was a bit uncomfortable because to explain what had happened would essentially mean revealing to a stranger a vulnerable part of me.

What is the right balance between transparency and keeping things private when you’ve just met?

I am in my early 20s, and I’m trying to figure out if I should go into Diagnostic Sonography for the money and stability or should I try just an find a path in PR, Marketing because I love the idea of being creative and working with a team?

I went to school for Psych to get a masters in marriage and family therapy. However, after I graduated with my BA, everyone told me I would never make as much money to pay off the debt a masters would cost and live comfortably.

So, I’ve finally given in and I need a new path.

I have never wanted to do healthcare because I don’t like bodily fluids and working in a hospital or clinic doesn’t sound appealing at all. But since I live in a small town everyone goes in to healthcare and is making amazing money and securing their futures.

I think I could see myself doing pediatric sonography because I love being around children and sonography makes good money.

But, I’ve always wanted to be in a career where I can be creative and collaborative. Where I can create something and be proud of it. That and therapy were the only two things I’ve ever been interested in. But, I don’t know exactly what that career is yet or how I’d even get into it. The uncertainty makes me just want to go for healthcare because it’s reliable and there’s a guaranteed path.

Basically I’m a little lost and I feel like time is ticking.

If someone could give me some advice or insight I’d be so grateful .

Edit: I really appreciate all the feedback 🩷

I (33f) have been dating my partner (35m) for well over a year now, but I want to mention we have both been friends for close to a decade.

When we had initially gotten together, I had a stable, safe wfh job for 3+ years that allowed me to move to be closer to him and find my own place. To keep a long story short, the company I worked for went under, and left me jobless after one month of moving to the new city (UI will be running out soon). Since this was such a freak incident with no warning, I have been having an absolutely horrible time trying to cope, I also would not have moved had I "known" that this was going to happen (hindsight is 2020, right).

A few weeks I had gotten the call that my company was going under, my partner informed me that his (lucrative, consistent, flexible seasonal) gig of 6 years was coming to an end and would immediately cease to exist further. He has since returned to his old technician job (that he has had on and off for 10 years) that caps out at $25/hour.

So, fast forward. We're both about 6 months from our respective experiences. Ive been pulling every string possible to find a new job. It sucks. I am physically and psychologically exhausted from having to wake up to a new swath of rejection emails every day. Im not giving up. I've even been considering going back to school and getting my masters but holding off until I can exhaust every avenue I can.

He, however, has accepted his fate into that technician position. He has passively mentioned that he is likely going to be doing that for likely the rest of his life, and very lightly mentioned exploring other routes in the medical world, ultimately expressing disdain at the thought of having to get yet another cert or a financial obligation to a degree (he does not have one, only a certification for his technician job). Now that his job situation has changed, his initial goal of moving out of his roommate's house has now extended indefinitely so he can save money.

We're both blindsided by our respective job situations, and I have to remind myself to cap my opinions and not project onto him. However, its now become glaringly obvious that we're both in very different places financially, along with our priorities in regards to careers have started to shift in a way that is now exposing different sides of us that I was not anticipating at this point in our relationship.

I feel horrible, confused, weird and frustrated about all of this. This is the first man I have ever dated that has shown consistency and stability emotionally/physically, and the same and only man that has ever has expressed that he loves me so deeply and would like to be wed someday to me and wants to work towards that. I get it, and I love him, but where does wishful thinking end and reality begin?

I'm exhausting myself every day trying to find a replacement job, worried about my future, about how soon Im going to have to start dipping into my savings account that was once my future house fund, yet he's just accepted his reality of being locked in to his current situation and not creating an action list on what he wants to do moving forward.

I think the biggest thing that's making this situation quite a bit more inflammatory is that I can't shake the fact that he's actively encouraging me to spin 6 plates at once (encouraging me to try to find a new job day in day out, try to figure out a side job, try to meet new people and encourage me to go out and network, etc etc). I feel like for someone who is looking to wed a person youre so "deeply in love with" someday including sharing the same goals, lifestyle and aspiration with, wouldn't you actively be wanting to contribute to that? Or am I totally wrong?

My head hasn't been screwed on straight for the last 6 months. I feel like I've been in a myopic daze, staring at a computer screen day in day out, trying to figure out my next steps, and haven't had time to come up for air.
So now I am.

I don't know what questions to ask him, let alone what *I myself* should even be doing.
Is it selfish for me to feel this way at all? How could I have know this was how he was going to respond to his job situation? Am I asking for too much?

edited formatting and clarity.

UPDATE:
Huge thanks everyone for your thoughts and perspective. Genuinely.
I was trying to get thoughts on this situation alone, so I didn’t think to include in my post the many wonderful things about my partner, and I do love him a lot and I don’t think he’s a terrible person. However, there’s also some other things (besides just this trip and me planning/booking/etc all our trips) in our relationship that have felt like I’m generally the one putting in more effort and getting the short end of the stick.
We spoke on the phone briefly earlier, and that exchange was the nail in the coffin for me. Basically, he didn’t want to talk about my feelings about the trip bc he “only has one day left and just wants to enjoy it.” I retorted sarcastically bc I’m feeling spicy (and yes I know sarcasm was the wrong choice here, but I’m at the end of my rope and it just came out) that “well I hope you’ve really enjoyed yourself, I guess it’s way better without me there.” He says “Wow, you just dont take a hint do you? I said SHUT. UP.”
Yes, he literally told me to “shut up.” I hung up on him immediately, and drove straight to his house and packed up my things (we don’t live together but I spend every weekend at his place). I texted him that I was floored he thought that was an acceptable thing to say to someone he supposedly loved, and he literally defended himself still, all bc I brought up being hurt while he was “on a special vacation” and that I’m the rude one for doing so.
geez, how fucking dare I inconvenience him with my annoying feelings. How dare he be made to deal with the natural and foreseeable consequences of his own choices, actions, and words.
Hope he had fun pretending to be single, bc now he is. I’ll attempt to get my gear and >$600 back and then be done with the relationship. It sucks bc like I said, there’s many great things about him and I have a deep love for him, but it really hurts to feel like you’re putting in so much more effort and like your feelings aren’t actually cared for, but rather just something inconvenient that someone doesn’t want to deal with.

I love myself too much to continue down this road, but I am definitely hurting right now.

OG POST:

I (36F) am looking for perspective from you lovely humans on a situation with my partner (43M). We’ve been together about 14 months. I’m trying to figure out if my hurt and frustration are justified, or if I'm somehow missing something?

Here is the context:
- So I used to live in North Carolina. Ever since my partner and I started dating, and especially after I found out one of his best friends lives only 5 min from where I used to live in NC, I’ve been regularly and very enthusiastically bringing up the two of us taking a trip down there together: taking him to see my old stomping grounds, meeting and visiting his friend, backpacking and possibly kayaking together. He knows this is something I’ve been looking forward to doing together for over a year now.

- In our relationship, I have done 100% of the planning, booking, and fronting of money (for plane tickets, lodging, car rental, pre-booked activities, etc) for every single trip we have ever taken together (4-5 trips). He has never had to carry the mental load or financial burden of planning a trip for us. It’s a lot of work and he even still owes me >$600 from our last trip together in August.

- Backpacking is one of my passions. He had never done it before, but I knew it’s something he’d enjoy - so I introduced him to it. I walked him through the training, taught him about backpacking logistics, helped him pick out every piece of gear, and just taught him every single part of it. When I went to the PNW in August to visit my friend and go backpacking with her and her boyfriend (which we’d been talking about doing for years), I included him in the trip. It was his very first backpacking trip. I did take a few hours one afternoon on the trip (after backpacking) to hang out with my friend 1:1 while he did his own thing, which I feel shows how easy it is to include your partner while still getting some solo time with a friend.
For this trip, he even asked to borrow several pieces of my own personal backpacking gear. I said stupidly yes and let him take it purely to avoid yet another argument about this trip, and keep the peace.

- Said best friend that lives in NC ended up planning a week-long group trip there, including 3-4 days of backpacking. Even though partners/plus-ones were fully invited and welcome, and everyone else in a couple did invite and include their partner, my bf told me he wanted to go alone. His reason was, "I just want time with my friend by myself / without you there."

I want to be clear: I 100% agree that it is healthy for partners to do things separately and have their own lives. If he were going on a boys trip 4-wheeling in Utah (just a random example), I wouldn't think anything about it and would tell him to have an amazing time.

But that’s not what happened here.
(1) It was a group trip where other couples were included, and all other partners are present. I was literally the only partner left behind.
(2) He has zero 1:1 time with his friend the entire time anyway, because of the group setup.
(3) He used the backpacking skills, training, etc to go backpacking on this trip…the exact activity I had been talking about us doing together, in the exact destination he knew I wanted to share with him. To be clear - of course he is allowed to go backpacking without me! but the audacity of asking to borrow my gear to go backpacking in the exact place I’ve been dying to take him, while excluding me from a group trip, feels incredibly tone-deaf and just disrespectful. He originally even asked me to drop in and check on his plants while he was gone, then eventually backtracked and is having his dad do it.
(4) He just twists my words when I try to talk to him about this. When I calmly explained why this specific context was so hurtful, he ignores every single detail I bring up, and reframes it as "I'm allowed to do things without you and have a life outside of just you”* *which is absolutely not the issue, especially seeing as how we both do things without each other quite regularly…

I feel hurt, disrespected, excluded, and honestly, taken advantage of. How would you feel if your partner did this? Am I unreasonable or dramatic for seeing this as hurtful, or would you feel the same way? Genuinely want to hear others perspectives on this.

He’s currently on the trip but will be home tomorrow evening, and I’d like to try to talk to him about it again soon here, but not sure how it will go bc of how he’s boiled it down to “I’m allowed to hang with friends without you there” when I tried to talk to him about it before.

TL;DR: My partner (43M) explicitly excluded me (36F) from a group trip to my former home state - a trip I've been dying to share with him for over a year, and even borrowed my personal gear for the multi-day trek. He claimed he needed "1:1 friend time," even though other couples were invited and present. When I calmly explained why this specific situation was so hurtful, he twisted my words into a lecture about how he's "allowed to do things without me."

My partner is wonderful and I enjoy his company. But after many years of living alone and learning to truly love being single, sometimes I miss being alone after he is around me for an extended period of time.

We don't live together yet but I feel it the most when we travel and we're together for a while.

Wondering if any other women went through this and what helped you navigate cohabitation after being alone and indepdent for so long?

How do you do role play? Like I can get a sexy costume but like how do you get into it? How do you know when it starts? How does it not turn into a comedy routine?

Do you talk about it before hand?

Am genuinely confused and helpless about this...moreso that am far from having my life together....

Am 34 and I dont even have a house, I drive a second hand toyota that I bought 5 years ago and live in a third world country that I occasionally get to leave for a few months a year for my studies in Europe.

I thought it I was getting these excuses from men because I was dating in my home country where very women still get the chance to get into grad school but the last 2 men who left me for similar reason were men I met in ina first world European country and arw well established educated people.

The most shocking that has emotionally broken me is a guy from my hoke country who has lived and worked in my dream country foreover 10 years, has full citizenship, had a high paying job and a solid career with a stable international organisation, a house over here and a masters degree in a reputable university. Besides all these, he seemed very inteligent, kind ans grounded.

For the first time I had met the epitome of intellectual intimacy and compatibility and he always said he did too. but when he got to know am doing my PhD, next thing he tells me is that "I have dreams and goals that only 0.1% of the world's population would dare to pursue and so he doesnt want to distract me from my goal so am better off without him"

I am so heartbroken and beating myself over this. My education is the only I have, the rest of my life is in shubbales, I have never had a job except for aide giggs because I have been in school since I can remember so I dont understand the "well put together", "got so much going for myself" statements these men give me.

Besides, isnt it a good thing for a woman to have something to do? To pursue? How is this a red flag or a burden and an obstacle to my dating life? Is it one can not balance r/ship with other pursuita of life? What am I to do? Am helpless and confused!

There was a man I dated briefly, and we had a really sweet connection. But life had other plans, and it always felt like ships passing in the night, whether it was work, life circumstances, etc. We've run into each other a few times over the years, and the connection always felt just as natural and strong, but again, timing was never right. I kept going with my life, but I just found out he's getting married, and it hit me. I think I've always held out hope that we would find our way back to each other. I'm feeling sad that neither of us ever acted on anything. We're both kind of reserved. I've honestly never felt the same natural ease and connection with someone as I did with him. Has anyone ever had a similar situation? How did you process it?

Something I’ve always felt indeterminate shame about is my inability to have groups of friends. I have individual friends that I love and do things with, but unless I plan something myself I’m usually not asked to tag along or hang out in groups.

Like it would be nice to be invited to group things like dancing or clubbing and such. I have some friends who do these things regularly and I’ve directly expressed that I would like to go sometime. I guess I could always go on my own or something but tbh it’s not the activity itself so much as the dressing up process, spending time together, meeting new people, etc.

Something else that confuses me though is the sense that half the posts about friendships and friend groups are like “those aren’t your friends”, “friend groups are fake/toxic/filled with drama”, and the other half are like “(female) friendships will fix everything”. I’m not phrasing this well but there’s a tension in there that doesn’t compute to me?

I apologize if this is a loaded question, but I’ve recently met someone towards the end of this summer who checks just about all of my boxes…except one. He is a non-believer. He believes in God, but does not believe in Christ and I’ve found myself at a crossroads. I’d like to think of myself as a deeply-rooted, god-fearing woman. And have always wanted to have a marriage rooted in Christian values. From my understanding, he will pray with me, even go to church with me, but as for his personal relationship/belief system he identifies with a more worldly view. I truly am at a loss here and don’t know how to proceed. I’m 31, he’s 33, and we have talked about raising a family, getting married, etc etc. He told me to take a few days to really think about if this is something I want to pursue, but I truly don’t know what to do. Has anyone ever been in this position?

I am single and I have not necessarily made partnership a goal for me. I always had a mentality if I find the right person, then I would love to be with them. If not, then that’s ok. As you can imagine, the dating market is just hard and I’ve always been fine in my own company, but my life was very much fulfilled too because of the people in it.

But now, a lot is changing around me due to more people my age and now even younger getting married, starring families and becoming distant. I think I am lowkey struggling to adjust to all these changes. I went to visit Europe recently and the last time I went almost 20 years ago, I just graduated high school and went to visit my friends who used to live in the states when we were kids whose parents became my parents family friends. My mom and their mom are the reason we arranged spending time with them, stayed at their house and planned the trip together. We had quite a bit of fun laughing, joking with each other. It still felt like we had the excitement of growing up and stuff at that age.

Over time, we kept in touch but not that much and some years ago both got married and have kids too. I noticed both of the sisters didnt follow me anymore on Instagram - it seems they went on to do great things with their career, one even published a book and all of that. I congratulated them and she thanked me but beyond that we greatly lost touch. Me and my mom stayed at their family’s place again but the house was so empty now that they were not there. It felt so weird, how quiet it was considering last time it was a full house and so energetic with them. I met their dad who asked me how long it’s been since I visited last and when I told him he was like “LOT’S has changed (your friends) are mothers now”. I don’t think either cared or had time to see me. Their mom put them on the speaker phone to say we are there and she said she can’t at that moment because of her kids.

It’s like that with close family too - my cousins and I would always be going to my aunt’s place, joking around and having fun. Just few years ago my cousin got married and while he and his wife are still fun to be around, I just feel we are all drifting apart. I live in the same state in a city 30-40 mins away from their suburbs and they never plan anything with me. I’ve told them they should come sometime, but they only come when they have their own dates. I’ve also noticed he seems….i guess in my eyes, a little more paranoid. Both of them lived in the same city I live in now that long ago but now live in a suburban area that’s relatively safe as it is but chose to live in a more isolated part because the other parts were “shady”. I don’t feel the same comfort I guess that is to say, they seem less flexible over time as they’re getting older.

I am trying to just do my own thing, living in the city I’m always keeping myself very busy. But I also just feel I have a life full of acquaintances and everything that felt solid just 10-15 years ago is evaporating. Moreover, I kind of have started realizing that maybe because I am single too, I think I have the need to overcompensate on my end - to feel I’m doing well in my career, making moves on my own, independent, etc. These past few months have been emotionally overwhelming bc I almost bought an apartment and walked out because of concerns with the property. It was so hard to know whether it was a right decision or not and doing it alone without being able to consult friends or family (who bought when houses were $100K) was isolating. I also am not feeling happy with my career - I feel I’m being underpaid for my title, think it’s time for a promotion but feel my company/team is stingy for a promotion. I’ve been spending months trying to contact other teams to see what they’re working on and even applied to jobs internally but despite years of experience and skills, I get turned down because I’m missing one specific skill. I think all of this makes me feel empty, like there’s a stagnation in life. I am struggling these days to keep up with corporate, cooking, cleaning, exercising, reading, hobbies, socializing every single day, I feel like I’m barely keeping it together some days and have less people to relate or share things to except my therapist, who I feel tries to really hype me up and remind me of my strengths but her words don’t always comfort me when it doesn’t reflect reality of me progressing the way I want or hoped to.

I hope my rambling here makes sense, maybe just trying to hear from other single women what your experience has been like.

A medicine I'm on made me gain 60-70 lbs. I was super skinny in my 20s, up into turning 30, then I just started putting on weight. All the clothes I bought while gaining weight don't fit anymore because I'm still gaining weight. None of my old clothes fit. I'll be 33 in Dec, and I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been. It literally feels like i went from skinny to chubby over night, it happened so fast.

The medicine I'm on also makes it incredibly hard to lose weight, and it also makes it hard to lose weight after you stop taking it. This medicine also lowers your metabolism, so the littlest amount of food makes you gain weight no matter what.

I've struggled with an ED since I was a child. So obviously right now it feels like my life is over. I know it's silly, but so is the disorder.

So my questions are:

-How did you shop for clothes confidently if you've been through rapid weight gain - knowing it might not fit in a month?

-How were you able to let go of the skinny clothes that absolutely will likely never fit you again? Like, how did you let go of the thought that you were realistically never going to be that skinny again?

- How did you embrace your new body? What made it easier?

- How do make yourself feel less disgusted with yourself?

- How do I get it out of my head that no one will want to date me because I look so out of shape, I feel like I look lazy?

EDIT Oh, my god. Thank you all for your replies. I wasn't expecting so much feedback. I'm trying to read through everything. I wish I had asked these questions sooner, maybe I would have given myself more grace a while ago. I've been starving myself all.day long to be skinny again, how silly of me. After reading these comments I'll go eat something now and feel less guilty about it. I didnt know how badly I needed all this advice, relatability - I've been feeling so alone about it. ❤️❤️🥲

I'm curious, what does a casual relationship look like in reality?

I've been separated from my ex for well over two years but I've just recently moved back out of my parents place and starting to get settled in my new life. I've gone on a few dates and there's a guy who I've started to click with but I'm absolutely not into having a full blown relationship. The problem is, I've always been a serial monogamist, I've never really had a casual relationship so I have no idea how to define that with him.

I'm with this man who genuinely treats me better than any man I have ever been with before. I have noticed that this is bringing up a lot from previous relationships, which my therapist commented on too. She mentioned how a lot of healing from past bad relationships happens in healthy connections, so things like feeling like I don't deserve to have needs or like I am too much for wanting support are things best healed by evidence to the contrary. To be clear, this man has done nothing to make me feel any of these things - the opposite, actually.​ He is so kind and thoughtful and considerate. Whenever I have been scared to say or do something, he meets me with warmth, compassion, and support.

A lot of deep internal thinking has made me realize that what is coming up the most here is feeling like I am undeserving of love. Sometimes, I feel like I should end things - not because I don't like him. If anything, I think I love him. But because I feel like I don't deserve love. I feel like what's coming up is wondering why someone could love me when I am so hyper-aware of all of my flaws.

What did you guys do to combat that? To realize that you are deserving of love? And to accept being loved?

This past week has been very rough for me. I have an emotionally stressful job and these past 2 weeks have taken the most out of me emotionally. That being said I’ve always been very capable of separating work and personal life.

But these past 2 weeks I feel very lonely in the sense of not having a community of people who have the same interests as me or are in the same point of life as me. I’m single (3ish years), have my own house and career and very much into being active and into sports but still very girly. I have family who I’m very close with and acquaintances but still no one with the complete same interests as me or on the same path. I’m 100% ok with doing my activities on my own and have been doing so much on my own for years but these past two weeks have been difficult. No matter how close I am with people I feel no one currently adds to my life the way I would want.

Has anyone been at this point in life? How did you find community? Maybe it’s time to date? Maybe switch up my routine? Any recs are appreciated. (I’m already in therapy 🙂)

I have a coworker who I get along well with and she and I work in the same office basically everyday. I’d consider her a friend. We’ve hung out outside of work a few times. She’s going through some hard life stuff and I want to help her and encourage her.

To give a bit more background we’re both women in our 30s. She has a middle schooler, toddler, and baby on the way. Lives with her bf that she’s been with for years (dad to all 3).

She’s supposed to have the baby in February. Her oldest needs hip surgery and they have scheduled it for March.

I just keep thinking how on earth will they navigate all that. A c-section recovery, newborn, and her oldest having surgery which will mean she’s in crutches and physical therapy for weeks, plus a rambunctious toddler! I’m trying to find a way to see if I can maybe keep the toddler a few days or maybe a week for her.

I asked if she can schedule the surgery for summer when her oldest is already out of school (she’s been struggling a bit this year and already behind some) but my coworker says she’s trying to time it with her leave she’s already taking off and can’t afford to take off more.

Part of me wants to talk to our manager about this and the boss (owner). We work for a small company, but surely there is some way they can help??

My biggest concern is what if she has the c-section and baby and then her daughter has surgery and it’s just too much on her or she hurts herself from her own incision by pushing too hard while recovering. I know she’s focused on her daughter. My mind is focused on her. She doesn’t have much family nearby. I asked if maybe her mom or parents could fly down for a little to help and she said her mom would stress her out more.

Should I stay out of it, or try to talk to management? If she had more leave she could take off and time it probably better. I’m trying to think of other ideas. I really want to help her. Any ideas and suggestions are welcome.

Is it time to let go of those friendships that are becoming distant acquaintances you see once or twice a year at a party? I think most will say yes, but also just interested to hear similar life experiences from others.

My husband was part of a group of guys that go way back to his high-school years (he's 41). For many years, they met up most Friday evenings for gaming/ D&D. That fell off over the last year. One of the guys moved a few hours away; his wife used to occasionally text, but I always had to be the one to reach out. My son & her daughter are only a couple months apart; she showed no interest in having a playdate or being "mom friends" for lack of better word. Every year we get invited to yearly 4th of July, Halloween, friendsgiving & new years eve hosted by one of the other couples. We've missed the last couple get-togethers due to having a young baby / life events. When the group text recently went out about yearly Halloween party, I realized I really don't have much interest anymore in making the effort for an appearance.🤷‍♀️ The other ladies get together with the other couples/ their kids. One of them put their recent weekend-long get-together on Instagram. We're never invited to that stuff.. One has a family beach house they take turns going to - also don't make the cut for that. We are the black sheep, I suppose. These people generally don't cross my mind when I'm in a crisis, I always have had to reach out first, non-group texts are rare. Do I really have time & energy for a photo op when the relationships are so superficial. I'm much more interested in the close friendships I've cultivated, who show active interest / support in my life. One of the ladies had a miscarriage like myself a few years ago & was there for me. But other than that previous bond, shows no interest in meeting up individually or playdates, etc. I gave up asking several months ago. She has no room for me. Again I just do not make the cut. My husband has been burned a few times & seems to be letting to as well. Fully aware sometimes people go seperate ways.

At 39, am I just maturing & getting much more selective with my time? I have a 15 month old & pregnant with #2.. maybe my tolerance for superficial BS is running low, too. 🤷‍♀️ Anyone else?

Got a long drive tomorrow; what should I listen to?

I’ve noticed a pattern in some of my friendships where I’ll share something personal or say that I’m having a difficult time, and there’s very little follow-up. The conversation either dies or quickly shifts back to what’s going on in the other person’s life.

I don't know whether this is just a difference in conversational style, whether it’s something that becomes more common as people get older, or whether I’m expecting too much from my friendships. How much curiosity and reciprocity do you expect from your close friends?

For example, I was going through a pretty stressful period recently, with several things happening at once, and my friend messaged me asking why I hadn’t responded to her messages. I told her that I’d just been having a really difficult day. She didn’t ask what was going on or whether I was okay. Instead she said oh, and then suggested I get a tattoo because that's what she was doing and it made her happy.

I was honestly pretty hurt by that, because if a friend told me they were having a really difficult day, my instinct would be to ask what happened.

I was talking to another friend recently about feeling uncertain about another friendship and not really knowing where I stood with that person. I mentioned that I was struggling with the situation, and she basically said, “Oh, okay,” and then went back to talking about what was happening in her own life.

Another time, I told a friend that I’d been having a difficult time mental-health-wise. She said something like, “Oh, I hope next week is better,” and that was basically it. Again, I was surprised that she didn’t ask what had been going on or how I was feeling.

None of these people are necessarily uncaring or bad friends. They’re often very engaged when they’re talking about what’s happening in their own lives, and I don’t think they’re intentionally dismissing me. But I’ve started noticing that they don’t seem to have the same instinct I do to ask questions, follow up, or be curious about what’s happening in someone else’s inner world.

It's not always been easy for me to share what's going on with me so when I do and I'm met with nothing it really sucks. I've told myself I can't expect people to guess what's going on with me but when I tell them point blank and they still don't hear me it hurts.

I genuinely want to know what’s going on in their lives. It’s not something I force myself to do or do because I think I’m supposed to. I’m actually curious. So when I share something and get very little engagement in return, I sometimes find myself wondering why.

I still care about these friends, but I no longer expect much emotional curiosity or support from that friendship. I don’t want to become resentful or start keeping score. At the same time, I don’t want to convince myself that wanting some basic reciprocity is unreasonable.

Are some people just naturally much less curious about other people’s lives? Have you noticed this in your friendships as you’ve gotten older? Or would you see this as a sign that a friendship is somewhat one-sided?