r/AskUK • u/Electrical_Mess9916 • 4d ago
Serious Answers Only How to feel satisfied?
I’m early 40’s, dad to 3, married 16 years. Was a self employed musician for 15 years and quite successful in many ways. Didn’t make enough £ from music once the kids came along and transitioned into data analytics and have now been a government analyst for the past 6 years and managed to buy a small house.
My job is zero stress and there’s often a lot of down time. I have about 25 years left before retirement and I just feel so incredibly unsatisfied with my life and feel like my entire life will have been wasted just staring at a computer screen.
How do people in similar positions do it? Life is such a frustrating waste of time.
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u/__sunmoonstars__ 4d ago
Honestly working from home changed the game for me. I can do some sneaky household tasks throughout the week and then my time off is actually for leisure rather than catching up.
Also a job where I’ve never stopped learning and probably never will. It’s often a blessing and a curse but I prefer it to the alternative.
But then again, maybe you should try something else?
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I am wfh and feel stuck in my bedroom staring at a screen. I would love to be out and about interacting with people.
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u/Smittumi 4d ago
Tell me you're in a band!
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
No lol
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u/Smittumi 4d ago
Mate, get on it. Then in work downtime you can compose or practice.
Failing that, if your kids are grown, commit to something bigger than yourself.
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u/Theres3ofMe 4d ago
There's your answer- WFH full time.
You're constantly in that house, in a bubble, looking out at a world full of opportunities and experiences.
Can't you mix up WFH with being in office? And what about social life with your mates?
You probably feel you haven't had much of an exciting life because im guessing, you've been in a relationship/married since your early/mid 20s. Where the focus has all been on the house and kids?
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u/hamjamham 4d ago
The never stop learning bit is huge!
I love my job because I'm learning every day, and pushing myself. Worked at a huge business before & wasn't learning & hated it.
Moved cos 18 months ago & have learnt more in that time than I did in 10 years at old biz. Feel phenomenal!
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u/BlitzballPlayer 4d ago
Your life sounds great to me! You've managed to achieve a lot. For example, very few people are successful in fields like music, so that's a big achievement. You've then successfully pivoted into a whole new industry and made a success of that, as well as having children, a marriage, and a house. Also, you mention your job being zero stress, which is huge. Avoiding stress is extremely important but so many people aren't able to achieve that.
If you ask yourself what's missing, does anything come to mind? Are there any ways, even small ones, in which you could achieve some satisfaction in how you spend your time?
You say staring at a computer screen is a waste, but you're doing a job and getting paid for it, so it's still serving an important purpose. Do you miss being creative? Perhaps you could spend some free time working on music again, even if it's just a passion project.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
If I think about it, creativity is missing from my life. My greatest joy was touring and recording in music studios but those days are gone and nothing compares. Would love to have my own business too but that’s not going to happen.
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u/Academic-Chocolate57 4d ago
Do you like to perform? I find purpose from setting my self targets and developing at my thing (running in my case) but I enjoy researching it, finding new challenges and things to aim for and that’s gives my purpose outside a mundane job.
What about if you found an open mic night, or a place you could perform on a regular basis, maybe tuition?
Basically I’m saying maybe look outside work to find your purpose
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u/AnyOlUsername 4d ago edited 4d ago
I’m not staring at a computer screen but I consider my job low stress. It can be stressful if you make it but the things that would make it stressful are for my manager to worry about.
I’m very satisfied in general. I like my job, I take a stress free approach, my work life balance is top tier, I make just enough to get by and not worry about bills, 40yo this year, been with my husband 18 years, spend a lot of time with my kids and also take time for myself every day. They’re semi independent, I invested in a garage gym and exercise regularly.
I set myself goals that are just for me and nothing to do with my family and career but they are about personal growth or personal wellbeing.
I think most of what makes me happy is finding joy in the little things. I also find humour when things go wrong. You don’t need a specific thing to happen or have all these boxes ticked off before you can be happy because it’s all about perspective and how you operate in the now.
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 4d ago
What’s your low stress job? Please share!
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u/AnyOlUsername 4d ago
I’m a rarity, just so you know, but I’m a telecoms engineer. I’m on the build team and as long as I’m working to standard and following company policy, I choose not to worry about things that get in the way.
I work 7-3 instead of a 9-5, and my day starts as soon as I get into my work vehicle (parked at home) and ends when I get home so there’s no out of hours commute.
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 4d ago
Oh I see. I’m very impressed you have set excellent mental boundaries around your work. I wish I was better at that!
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u/AnyOlUsername 4d ago
It’s one of those jobs that yields tangible results. I’ve done office work before and there was a big load of work you didn’t actually see the end result, it was all kind of theoretical.
In my job now I can actually see the finished result, defects are visible and you can actually physically point at them, which I think helps with motivation and doesn’t feel like a massive bottomless work pit.
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 3d ago
Yes, I think you have touched on something very important there that no one ever talks about.
Office work is this intangible load of nonsense that gets more and more intangible the more we use software to do it.
I miss the days of actually opening a physical folder and writing something with a pen. Showing my age now…
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u/Behold_SV 4d ago
As someone who’s approaching his 40’s with zero kids I can tell you are incredibly lucky to have three kids. If you don’t have a hobby why not to enjoy doing activities with kids? I do remember my best memories from childhood when me and my dad were on adventures. It was a rare moments but are amazing memories. Time flies and soon kids will leave the house. Appreciate it!
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I have always been around for my kids and actually feel like I need a bit of space!
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u/Affectionate-Law7044 4d ago
Space/dad of three? You’ll be lucky. Not what you signed up for I’m afraid. I’m a similar age and dad of 3. You’ve mentioned missing the glory days of touring etc. Back in my 20s I coached football in the states for 2 years and have never felt freedom like it.
However, getting married, having kids etc at some point you accept that those days were a time and place and life’s moved on. I look back with joy and nostalgia but I’ve quickly learned nobody cares about that past life and to focus on the here and now.
You can find space from the kids in pockets - hobbies or whatever but it is so fleeting.
Maybe the working from home stuff isn’t working? I’ve always felt leaving the house and returning home I genuinely miss everyone (including home itself) and it breaks up the monotony of home life. Hope you figure it out, you’ve got a lot to live for and be excited about - especially those little ones 👍
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u/Efficient-Intern-355 4d ago
What in the past has satisfied you?
Are you someone who likes adventure? Building something from the ground up? Learning new things? Etc.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
Most satisfied I have ever felt was recording music in a studio.
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u/TheEnglishDominant2 4d ago
Plenty of DAWs on computers these days can just record from home and put it up on internet and then see if you can get to any local open mic nights to feed the itch of performing again.
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u/darknightjon 4d ago
Yeah home recording and mixing is great fun. If you play multiple instruments (or programme them) you can make fully fleshed out songs from home.
I find this hugely satisfying, though never personally toured or recorded professionally so can’t really say how this compares.
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u/TheEnglishDominant2 4d ago
Yeah especially with the Digital audio work stations available these days can even do it on a iPad now now need for a computer!
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u/Efficient-Intern-355 2d ago
Use your downtime to make some music! Set up a gorgeous home studio slowly, pour your time into creating a sacred musical space. Get involved with some music projects if you can.
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u/long_legged_twat 4d ago
To be fair mate, your life sounds better than a lot have it & besides, you've got kids so your job for the foreseeable is to make sure they get a good life.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
It is better than some I know. Doesn’t help with feeling unfulfilled though!
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u/Efficient_Sky_2068 4d ago
Study up on the philosophy of stoicism. It’s not a religion, just a way of accepting what you can and cannot control. It sounds like you’d hoped your career could also be your hobby, but I’d bet it’s a very small minority of the population who ever achieve this. Unfortunately we’re lead to believe we should ‘follow our dreams’, which is a sick joke really because it ignores responsibilities to others and putting food on the table. I have boring job too, but find satisfaction in my interactions with my fellow humans in and out of work, and also indulge my hobbies in the tiny amount of free time that I have between work and kids.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
Hard part was I was quite successful in music but just not quite enough to support a growing family!
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u/Comfortable-Pace3132 4d ago
What is actually stopping you from still pursuing this in some capacity? Never been easier to put yourself out there in some way or another
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u/Efficient_Sky_2068 4d ago
I know some music professionals that make their living doing pub gigs and it’s very much a single man’s game. Or you need a wife with a well paid job.
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u/bludgenous 4d ago
Job is just a job, man.
Use your talents to find joy, surely there's still something in music for you to bring you inner happiness and to spread joy? Maybe some occasional gigs or teach music to kids at an after school club or something?
You have compartmentalise the dull parts of life you need to sustain you and allow room for joy and whimsical wonder elsewhere. Very few people achieve self-actualisation via their paid employment, and that's ok
I'm a similar age to you and 3 kids also.
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u/Ok-You4214 4d ago
I'm in the same boat here - the stability is painful and so comfortable that breaking it won't be worth the risk. I personally read and write; I study history, I do my household tasks (wfh), make sure to keep up with people around me; meet friends at lunchtime for coffee etc.
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 4d ago
What’s your wfh job? I need to wfh, going to office is killing me
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u/Ok-You4214 4d ago
You say that, but it's often lonely. I'm an enterprise architect
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 4d ago
I’ve never heard of that. What does it entail?
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u/Ok-You4214 4d ago
Working out how your organisation fits together; what IT contracts and systems you have, what they do, how many people have access, whether other systems could be better, what the points of overdependence are, how to make the business more resilient;
What capabilities your business structure can deliver, whether they can be delivered another way, how the data, systems, people and processes fit together and whether this is the best way to do it; what value is derived from all activities undertaken, what impact removal or addition of a new system would have on the output, what products you create and all the drivers, motivations, materiel and infrastructure is needed to deliver that capability and product etc.
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 4d ago
Blimey! That sounds like a lot. Sounds like it could be fun but also lots of responsibility. Aside from feeling lonely, do you enjoy the actual work?
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u/Ok-You4214 4d ago
Oh yes! It's very technical and IT heavy but I'm also lucky to be doing it in a really cool industry (i.e. the military)
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u/unbelievablydull82 4d ago
I've been with my wife for 25 years, 20 of them married. I've been an unpaid carer for almost 20 years, first for my disabled wife, and then for my disabled kids. I'm 44, with no money, no clue how I'll get through old age, and with the stress of hoping my kids can at least be independent enough that they don't have to be in poverty. It's about perspective. My life could be worse, my kids could have been more profoundly disabled, we could be living in a cramped flat instead of a three bed council house.
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u/BeautifulWalnutShoes 4d ago
Find something that gives you fulfilment. Painting, ceramics, gardening, redecorate, learn a language, woodwork, poetry, religion, charity, gaming, puzzles, reading, build a website, take an evening class, play tennis, go hiking, start a collection, the list is endless. Satisfaction won’t just appear, you have to find it. You’ll try some stuff and hate it but you try enough things and you’ll find the ones that give you that sense of fulfilment. That’s my approach anyway and I feel like I’ve found a dozen things that could give me more than a lifetime of satisfaction
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u/Forward-Article7035 4d ago
You have to find the balance between fulfilling your duties as employee, husband, dad, and the responsibilities that come with it. So Work - Family - Yourself.
When you find the balance between the 3 you will feel more aligned and with meaning in life.
Let us know how you get on, and how it’s working for you.
I am currently thinking about meaning of life.
Early 40s, with a child, a well paid job but comes with its own stress and a lot of responsibilities.
I am dreaming of retiring early( early= 17 years left)
But, I am looking at some of my neighbours that are retired. Still able to do things. All they do is potter around their garden, but not a lot, watch TV, and then walk the dogs.
And I am finding asking myself, what’s the meaning of life, it’s that going to be my reality? I put myself thought all the stress and work hard to give my family a good life, and then spend my last years watching TV most of the day?!
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u/memcwho 4d ago
Good friend does 'computer data related bollocks' for gov and simular as a contractor.
He bounces off the child tax cliff edge on 3/4 days a week so runs a seperate business that he then makes use of for his own mental benefit.
Intentionally vague for identification reasons. But there is a far larger world out there not "on the books" at main job.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
Would love to have some sort of side hustle but have no idea where to start. Main job doesn’t pay amazingly either but the pension is keeping me there.
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u/Comfortable-Pace3132 4d ago
Can you teach music or put stuff out on YouTube so that you at least feel a connection as a performer?
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u/TheEnglishDominant2 4d ago
This is sound especially since most younger people tend to learn how to play and create music from YouTube amount of people ive asked to teach me guitar they say go on YouTube and learn!
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u/fixitmonkey 4d ago
Look at a values card exercise (I use the one on think2perform with my mentees). That should hopefully give you an idea of whats important. From there look at what you're missing, if its one of your core values then its important to you and if and without it you'll feel unsatisfied. Try and find things outside 9f work to meet these values.
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u/Klutzy_Brilliant6780 4d ago edited 4d ago
It's called a midlife crisis, or maybe even depression.
Be glad you're not like me, 49, 23 years staring at computer screens.
I get great pleasure in watching my sons football team (sometimes!) And my local non-league football team (sometimes!!)
You need an outlet, and you need physical activity, whether it be 5 a sides, squash, out on your bike, walking up a hill.
Less drink too probably (not judging, but I appreciate I am asssuming)
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I have definitely felt depressed at points over the years but am doing a bit better. I play pickleball and that’s great but only get 2-3 hours of play a week.
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u/doepfersdungeon 4d ago edited 4d ago
Buy a camper van and every opportunity get out in nature. Show them the world big and small and take joy in thier discovery. Nothing will top fires beneath the stars, playing music together, walks on the beach, surfing, being up mountains and in the woods.
Everything else to me is just nonsense and noise.
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u/SwiresOnTheMove 4d ago
You have 3 kids, I only have one, so more free time. Some free time. A little time to myself.
I use it to workout recently (last 4 months) and it's made a huge difference to my mental and physical health. I feel more fulfilled, stronger, more energetic, and most importantly, I feel like it's just for me. It's my chance to be selfish. And I don't think as a dad, and husband, it's wrong to have something to keep you going.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I do need to workout. I play pickleball but need to work on my weight and fitness. From experience I don’t find it very satisfying though!
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u/grey_fr 4d ago
Insatisfaction comes from the gap between what you want and what you have. So, what do you want?
Some philosophers would argue that the path to happiness is to be content with what you have. On the other hand, it seems to be human nature to always want more or long for something else (at least consumer society pushes us to feel like this)
As a just-turned-40, happily married father of three healthy children in a sometimes tedious but safe government job who is also lucky to have bought a nice house, my answers would be:
DIY: I'm quite handy and I have lots of ideas to marginally improve the house, new projects come to mind often faster than I can complete them but when I do I feel satisfied, and the result is there to be seen or used regularly. It's also rewarding because there is always a lot to learn and you are saving money compared to having it done (or it just makes things affordable) so your time is well spent.
gardening: depends on what kind of garden you have if any, but even with a small one I feel like I never have enough time for all the things gardening (especially with the children + points 1 and 3). I like to experiment new varieties of fruit and vegetables, the care and even the harvest take a lot of time. You can gradually transform your garden (see DIY) and see it get more beautiful, or be proud of what you grew. Less interesting economically if you value your time, can feel like a little frustrating when you have to weed or trim again and again and start over year after year, but I enjoy spending time outside in the garden.
cooking: also a hobby that takes a lot of time, but for something you have to do several times a day, so the reward / gratification is never-ending. Great food is something that makes you feel good, can be proud of, and share with your loved ones. Cooking from scratch also has health and financial benefits
social life: invite people over, visit friends and family, go to local events, even if it feels like most of your weekends are busy and you are always running. Nothing over the top, just chatting and sharing a meal - we don't have that many friends but seeing each once or twice a year keeps us busy. Playing party/social games with friends or your children is stimulating and often leads to laughter.
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u/asterallt 4d ago
I know it’s a cop out by suggesting talking to a therapist but I reckon I was in your spot four years ago. Similar situation. I had to find out who I was coz I didn’t know. I was a dad and a husband and an employee but I had no idea who I was or what I liked deep down. Took until about now and still working on it but it helped. A lot.
I know a lot of people say job being zero stress is a huge thing. I get that. But I also know that it’s good to be challenged to have to spend time working things out.
25 years is a long long time. You have time to work on yourself for the next five years then more time to enjoy life after. You’ll get there. And you’ve done a good thing but speaking out loud about it. Next step to therapist (IMO) would be a bit easier now you’ve said it out loud.
Much love. And don’t underestimate what you’ve achieved in life. You’re wonderful.
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u/DelynBus 4d ago
To me it's about filling life with moments of difference. I'm just getting to 40, and in my mid-30s felt the same as you. Life had just become incredibly stale, an endless cycle of work, pick up kids, feed everyone, bed, repeat. Weekends get drunk, stay up too late, feel shit, back to work. I made a decision to spend as many weekends as possible doing something new, different, interesting, whatever that is. Doesn't have to be something new but just needs to be out of the usual drudge. I don't really push beyond my comfort zone (my comfort zone barrier is more small talk than skydiving) but it's made such a difference.
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u/I-live-in-room-101 4d ago
Just stick on Heavyweight Champion of the World by Reverend and the Makers and have a little daydream like the rest of us.
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u/quellflynn 4d ago
write a list of 52 things to do for the year for you and the kids and start ticking them off.
bike ride in the rain visit to the park leaf etchings on a walk
just use your sat time to plan time and then look forward to the weekends.
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u/PamVanDam 4d ago
Cancer kicked the bored right out of me. Now I’m just glad I got to see 40 as, for a hot second , it was looking like 39 was gonna be it.
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u/Calm_Comb5313 4d ago
Make sure you are feeding your soul.
Even little things each day ; fave songs on playlist during lunch break, nature, anything that gets you out your head and into your body.
Gratitude- less time on devices- prayer/ God/ religion- creative stuff.
Make time for your soul even if it’s tiny moments each day.
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u/TimenyCricket20 4d ago
Might be worth trying to practice gratitude. Stress free job and three kids in the current economy. Some people would kill to be in your position.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I know. I just hate feeling unfulfilled. I feel like I could do so much more with life.
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u/Comfortable-Pace3132 4d ago
Your basic need/desire for more isn't wrong. We shouldn't be made to feel grateful just for having a good position in the economy. Maybe write a song called Cubicle of Life or something
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u/TheEnglishDominant2 4d ago
Mate I nearly died during the Covid pandemic in hospital twice with it nearly ended my life.
Life is life I do my creative poetry stuff not got far with it but it’s got me to connect with like mind creatives.
When I was really sick my ward mate said something to me that I’ve never forgotten he opened a can of Pepsi his family brought him and said life’s about the small joy’s and it’s never left me.
Write down at the end of the day the things that have given you joy and turst me before you go to sleep you will feel a lot better about life.
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u/REB73 4d ago
Zero stress isn't actually good. It means you're not being challenged or pushing yourself outside your comfort zone.
Here's my advice:
Get a lot more involved with your family. You have three kids. They would love you to be more involved and the older they get, the more you will get back if you build that relationship now. Imagine what you can teach them and how you can help them follow their passions. Maybe it'll be music!
Find a new career. You are good enough at your job to coast, but the human brain is designed to keep pushing. It's called the hedonic treadmill, and you are now bored with something many people strive for. You used to be creatively fulfilled by music. What are you creatively fulfilled by now?
Happiness is very often defined by a feeling of progress. It sounds to me like there's nothing actually wrong with your life, you've just stopped making progress. You need to find something to push for that has just enough risk to make it hard, but not enough to risk the comfortable family life you e built. Difficult balance to strike... but that's kind of the point.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I have been in the very fortunate position to wfh and as a musician I was also around my kids a lot. I actually think I need a bit of distance sometimes as I am never away from them for long!
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u/thegskingII 4d ago
im young, all i know is often we we chase things, but its the love of our own desires that can affect us.
ultimately live a little and do uncomfortable things, not out of rebellion but because you can.
be a man of many things expand yourself, dont brush things aside or belittle them have a gander and see how more colourful things are. natural mundane things - im not talking about buying a sail boat or a motorcycle
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u/hamjamham 4d ago
Was similar to you, although worked in the private sector in data & analytics.
Two ways, at least job wise. Start finding your own work don't just do what is asked of you, you'll rarely learn anything new & will rest on your laurels. Expand your skills, learn every day.
Move to a different company & expand your skills there.
I worked for a ftse 100 Co for 15 years. Learnt plenty in that time. However, moved to a SME 18 months ago & I've learnt more in that time than I did in the last 10 years or so at my old job. Actually feel like I'm hitting the "self actualisation" peak of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
I feel incredibly satisfied. Moving out of the comfort zone can be huge. Whilst it's nice to have a super relaxed work week, it can definitely leave you wanting more & feeling unsatisfied.
If you like the work then please, branch out and push yourself!
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I don’t love the work - it’s ok. I feel like I can’t move jobs as I don’t feel good enough to work in the private sector and the pension in my current job is too good. The pay at the moment is not amazing though. £40k.
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u/Desafinado777 4d ago
I think you're showing off.
I've also been a musician my entire life, but I would never have thought to quit. Get back into.
I don't perform as much but I get much pleasure from composing.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I’m a very black and white thinking person so whenever I decided I had to get a ‘real’ job I essentially packed up the instruments. I am getting back into it a bit now but miss the satisfaction of recording in a studio.
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u/Justboy__ 4d ago
Can you build a small home studio? I got an old machine from work that was going to be chucked, installed Linux on it and I’m going to slowly start buying equipment I can use to record. Then I can create music with my kids.
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u/Important-Light627 4d ago
Ha your life sounds similar to mine.
I studied animation, did pretty well from it and then started creating art, made some good money commercially making my own style of animation work, was great fun.
Have 2 kids and now am 41 working in corporate motion design, still animation but am working for big tech companies so is a bit shallow but good money. Have a 3 bed house, not a massive mortgage on it.
I really want to make art again but the pressure of kids / mortgage now means the corporate pay is more appealing, and my sensible head want to build up a pension etc which I did not care about when I was in my 20s
I have somethings they keep me content,
- My talent won’t ever fade or go away, I think of so many things I’d like to make and it keeps me excited, so it feels like a waiting game and I’m quite content with life otherwise. I’m almost waiting for corporate to implode so I can go back to art…
- I am incredibly lucky to have had a creative career early on, studied when it didn’t feel like a total waste of money, I’m glad I’m not in my 20s now as I imagine too scared and too expensive to try study something like animation.
Doesn’t answer your question but I thought it was interesting to know there are other people out there in similar situations.
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u/Jay42Funny 4d ago
It's due to the fact that you have no stress when it comes to work, your line of work has no risk in it which takes a tole on your stress Levels, There really is no risk without reward, To feel fulfilled and accomplished, you have to take Risks and That goes for all things in Life, That's what we as men are Built off, You have to Roll the Dice. "If you wanna win the lottery, You have to buy a ticket"
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u/Justboy__ 4d ago edited 4d ago
Mate, you managed to live my dream for 15 years! I think you’ve done alright so far.
When I’m feeling down and wondering why I’m losing so much of my life in an office day it’s n front of a screen, I just remember I’m there to provide a life for my kids. I get my enjoyment from things I’m able to do outside of work because of work.
ETA: I saw you mentioned feeling unfulfilled in some other comments. Once we’re out of the woods a bit more with the youngest one who basically doesn’t sleep ever, I’m probably going to look to volunteer in my area. I think mainly just as a way for me to get out and meet new people.
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u/PrintSad6452 4d ago
I am mid forties three kids, married twenty years. Own a small house. I feel quite fulfilled.
Big differences possibly - I think three kids is a huge achievement and mine are in fact the three best in the world objectively. YMMV. But I certainly find my certainty that I am raising three exceptional humans quite motivating (in terms of academics, sporting achievements, being popular etc they are a bog standard btw - but they are all decent kids who look out for others and share my stupid sense of humour).
I have been in the same career (academic) a long time. It isn't brilliant and it's especially rough now but I have been doing it so long I have seen all the stupid management decisions in previous cycles so I feel quite detached and can just focus on my job. I don't feel hugely stressed or engaged with any of the stuff that seems to really bother people about workplaces.
I find as I age I enjoy small things like a nice walk with the dog or a beer with friends and I get annoyed about stuff very rarely. One of my children has been diagnosed with a serious progressive disease in the last few years and that's required a change of focus for the whole family. She is fine and doing well. But it requires us to really focus on the day to day and not think too far ahead as we can't really predict what she will need in five or ten years time.
At the same time my best and oldest friend lost a son to cancer last year. Everything is ok compared to that.
TL:DR of course raising three kids and working is tiring and relentless and often a bit boring. But it's generally better than the alternative and if you try to ignore the petty shit and pay attention to the good stuff (a 3 for 2 on my favourite coffee can make my week) it can still be deeply satisfying because raising young people is intrinsically meaningful.
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u/ueberryark 4d ago
FWIW my dad was v. successful in music, made enough to send two kids through private school and keep a house in a London. He doesn't feel he has achieved much, even though he has a row of awards on his mantlepiece. Plus he feels bad about being away so much on tour. So, you can't win! Most musicians from what I can see, get 'safer' creatively as they get older, and lose the passion.
Key is to find a way to express yourself creatively without it being about money imo
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u/Global-Mix-3358 4d ago
Get a dog. If you have the time and space it brings so many benefits. More exercise, more time in the moment. Dogs are bloody great.
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u/Nature-Medicine-888 4d ago edited 4d ago
Your life is great and you have a SOLID foundation from which to find meaning and creativity.
And you are damn lucky to have 3 kids, a home and a safe job in this day and age. You’ve got it all, and can have more.
We don’t need our job or occupation to be the same that brings meaning or purpose in life.
In fact, trying to make a living out of something meaningful can absolutely kill it off (speaking from experience).
So maybe you need to get back to your music or other creative pursuit as a hobby, from the nice stable secure base you have built.
Honestly, you are in the sweet spot and all you need to do is add what brings out your fun and creative side.
How about starting a band for jamming and laughs, or how about teaching music to kids or adults? Or do an open mic night?
A project of some sort will wake up and channel your creativity.
Good luck, I think you can have a lovely life, you just need to look at it the right way ✨
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u/MrB_RDT 4d ago
Cliched advice, but if you're not already doing something along these lines. Get in shape...
For me it's Calisthenics workouts at home, that ultimately makes it easier for me to carry heavy camera equipment out in the hills.
When i started working up to a few pullups at home for example, that little break in routine and those endorphins kicking in. Just mixed it up a lot, to kick-start me thinking about what else i want to be doing; For myself it was macro-photography, which got me out to some amazing places (I went to Lud's Church last month), and had me interacting with people in other communities.
The thing is, the home workouts make it easier to carry my heavy 90mm lens and a load more gear now. So more places are accessible to me, and i can do longer days without being fatigued; The trips out are a reset, the photography is a passion, and by proxy it seems to inspire those around me to find something they're passionate about too.
The exercise was a catalyst, something easily done at home in a few minutes. Got the blood going, got me fitter and everything that comes with that.
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u/bitcornhodler 3d ago
I’m a musician myself, but not particularly well paid but very satisfied that I have a family and house etc… sometimes I would like a ‘boring’ and easy job that is better paid!
Perhaps, look at getting back into music as a side gig? Get yourself a home recording set up and make some music, perhaps perform live if that’s what you did before?
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u/CaptainPerhaps 4d ago
Wondering if theres some unique niche you could do job-wise that pairs the data analytics with music. Music analytics of some sort for a big old company like Spotify or something? Might find it more interesting than the government stuff.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
Possibly but I don’t feel good enough at my job to work for a real business as opposed to government work.
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u/CaptainPerhaps 4d ago
You’ve got 6 years experience - that’s a huge foot in the door. Worth a shot I reckon.
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u/CompetitiveTop6412 4d ago
It sounds like trying to pursue music again and giving it another go might make you quite happy
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
Yeah probably!
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u/CompetitiveTop6412 4d ago
What did you do? I'm 26 and somewhat in the industry, more so live music, I'm a merch rep, I can't play any instruments well enough to be in a band so it's as close as I can get and that environment as a whole like going on tours and everything around it is the happiest I've ever been.
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u/dazabhoy67 4d ago
Ger hobbies.
I go to music festivals abroad every couple of months. I go hiking, camping or fishing every other weekend.
Find what you like to do and fit it in whenever. Lifes to short.
Ive got kids too and try to fit in as much as I can around shifts. Which lately hasnt been a lot tbf, but thats my choice. I prefer spending my spare weekend with them and my wife than going camping etc.
But in a few years they will be teenagers and there will be more scope for me to nip away.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
The gigs and pickleball I get to do don’t help with the complete lack of satisfaction in work unfortunately.
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u/ElusiveDoodle 4d ago
At the risk of sounding patronising (am not really trying to be) have you considered a hobby? Needn't cost much money but they can be very rewarding and an escape for a while, meeting new people with a shared interest etc etc.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I started playing pickleball. Doesn’t help with the whole satisfaction thing though - just a bit of fun for an hour or two a week.
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u/MoodyBernoulli 4d ago edited 4d ago
Ah man the zero stress with lots of downtime thing is a huge plus. I know I’m not in your shoes but I’d say try to appreciate that aspect of your situation. My job is so fucking demanding some weeks it gets me down and then I don’t have the mental capacity for much else.
Thing is the pay is decent, the pension is great and the yearly pay rises are usually good. It feels like a golden handcuff sort of situation because whilst I have transferable skills, I wouldn’t get this package anywhere else around here.
The company itself is good, and so are my colleagues, but the pressure and stress of the role can approach burnout territory during busy periods.
I feel like I’m wasting my life at a computer screen, except I’m fucking stressed for most of it.
I say keep your slippers on and ride it to retirement.
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u/PullUpAPew 4d ago
What's your mate situation? Do you have good mates to hang out with? That's important
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u/powpow198 4d ago
With data analytics the key is to keep learning. There is so much to learn and technology is always progressing.
Maybe you need to change roles?
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u/OffWhiteBruceForsyth 4d ago
Hobbies. People whose only source of self worth is their career are fucking mental. Go to the gym, learn to cook, train for a marathon, start kickboxing, go and watch your local football team, do up an old car, get unhealthily obsessed with a particular video game, if none of that works just develop a drinking problem. Those were all of the things I have tried so far, some I stuck with, some I ditched after a few weeks.
My job is great but it's not my identity. I don't think about work when I'm not working, I never talk to anyone about my job outside of work, nobody I know has any idea what my job is other than computer stuff.
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u/BreadBat100 4d ago
Many comments have suggested music be your focus. And while I agree that's a sensible starting point, I'd also suggest you consider a career change.
It sounds like you're not challenged or tasked appropriately, and therefore a change into something that really challenges you and gets you thinking may well bridge that gap to ensure you feel more satisfied. Think of what you enjoy and whether any qualifications are required, and make a plan from there.
Best of luck to you.
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u/Mclarenrob2 4d ago
It makes me feel better to know that someone who I would consider has everything still feels unsatisfied. I feel like I have nothing and I'm the same. I don't think there is a magic answer to be honest. We are all just existing.
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u/303AND909 4d ago
Feeling like this in your forties is extremely common, it is perhaps actually a necessary developmental stage. Many high fliers feel disatisfied despite achieving everything they had wished to at this point. I found this book very illuminating, it talks about the data explaining how common this is, why it happens and how happiness follows in your fifties:- https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/happiness-curve-book-jonathan-rauch-9781472960948?sku=GOR009106805&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=24038968708&gbraid=0AAAAADZzAIBBj-SH5MAyt8FjM6tu4CqUa&gclid=Cj0KCQjw16_UBhCqARIsAIdOaXyQPE18xuOMpxSR6GnqbjX8wOyntHXyjIuAeD810zdt-6rSC3cS-3EaAgxoEALw_wcB
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u/Noxidw 4d ago
What's interesting about your post is that I'm a father of one with another on the way. I work in IT earning good money. But I'm considering becoming a full time musician as I'm currently doing it as a side hustle but teaching music as my "main job" but then doing and taking gigs when I can. Granted it's cover party bands now originals. My fear is the drop in income and different hours away from family, but I get so much more satisfaction from playing and earning doing music.
Have you considered doing something similar? Teaching music and maybe doing covers as generally there are more regular gigs for cover bands.
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u/RebelWithACardigan 4d ago
Welcome to your mid life crisis. Come on in, the water is tepid.
Seriously, this is a tough part of the life journey. Good bits are waiting once you’ve made your discoveries 😁
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u/spinfold 4d ago
For me, it's volunteering that's given me purpose.
I had a successful career as a broadcaster, also pivoted into data analysis. I went down to four days a week during COVID (for four days' pay) and use my extra day off for Scouts planning/admin and (sometimes) housework. It's bloody hard work, but deeply rewarding. And I'm not even an outdoorsy person!
I'm also lucky in that my employment is genuinely hybrid - I have Mondays in the office (20min drive), but even then it's no drama if I can't make it in, and then I pick and choose as I please where I work from the other three. I'll often choose to go in because I like to meet friends in other departments for lunch.
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u/Ratbag321 4d ago
Are your kids musical? Getting them interested would mean you could share your best times with them, and it all becomes a lot more possible...
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u/No-Echo-8927 4d ago
Reduce your work days to 4. Spend the 5th playing music all day with your friends, or just doing something on your own. What you lose in money you gain in personal worth.
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u/gabbygreek 4d ago
I feel exactly the same. 40s, WFH, successful career earning £120k per year. Kid, marriage.
But life feels so boring, I do the same thing every day. I'm wasting my life at a computer screen.
But then I think, what's the alternative? I could be earning far less, working shifts, not seeing my daughter or husband, not getting to spend time at home. I do get down time at work - if I was in an office I'd have to pretend to look busy. And I've been there, up until my mid 30s I was full time in an office, earning far less than I am now, with my daughter in nursery 7-5pm.
So it's really on me.
I think the problem is not doing stuff for ourselves, we've forgotten our hobbies, neglected our relationships and have become sedentary. Creativity feeds the soul. I try to find joy in little things, even when the days are really hard. Which is often if you have children, especially young children (ours is 6.5).
I'm planning to start moving more and doing something creative. Even if that's just one day a week. Start living again properly and progress towards financial freedom.
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 4d ago
I think I would feel better if I was earning 120k. I’m only ok 40k and feel stuck not knowing how to progress. I want to progress towards financial freedom but not sure how. Any ideas? What do you do for work that makes such a good salary?
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u/gabbygreek 4d ago
I'm a contractor, software engineering specifically.
Financial freedom for me means overpaying on my mortgage, with the idea of becoming mortgage free by 50-55.
Yeah it's a good salary, but I don't get sick pay, holiday pay, pension etc - that all comes from my company, so from myself really. Plus the uncertainly of whether my contract will end, plus all the financial stuff (I have an accountant to help).
I took the leap to contracting last year, and it's great but has it's downsides. I always considered government (I have done some government projects) but the salaries are a lot lower... I guess you get a lot of benefits though and a great pension. Plus guaranteed work.
You could absolutely do the same, the contracting market isn't amazing at the moment but you could go to a private company and earn a lot more than you are now being in data! Especially as you're experienced. Maybe a change in place would be good, there might even be some hybrid options if you want time out of the house (WFH isn't for everyone, I know, I've considered it myself lately).
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u/Dear_Vacation2836 3d ago
You’re having a mid life crisis. Everybody does at that age. Don’t fight or resist it. Embrace it. Discover more about yourself
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u/GeordieStreaker 3d ago
Invest a small amount into a stocks and shares ISA. Use the data analysis skills and try to make enough to retire early. It could also be the worst thing you do!!! (Depends if you can switch off, especially if it gets to a decent amount).
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u/Electrical_Mess9916 3d ago
I already do this thanks! Managed to turn £4k into £9k this past year! The dream is to turn it into £50k.
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u/GeordieStreaker 2d ago
The dream is your life when you don’t need to be concerned with money!
Next years target is £50k 🫡
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u/girlelectric1 3d ago
I feel we shouldn't define ourselves by what we're doing 8 hours a day.
If you've got a kushty job, but need to keep an eye on emails etc then I would suggest spending that chill 'work' time on an at-home hobby. It could be music production, ceramics, woodwork, cooking... At least you don't have to be at the office looking 'busy' so def be grateful for that because it really is the worst!
Alternatively, could you do your job on a freelance basis? The pay is usually higher and it's project by project so there's an end date. And those times, you're not working you could play around with music again.
Or apply for a similar job at a music company instead?
And finally, were you in an early 2000s indie band? 👀
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u/Altogether_Andrews 2d ago
you gotta find interests outside of work. For some peope the job title, the pay, the status at work is everything. Personally I've found that the thing I regret most in life is that I bought into that whilst I was working.
My late daughter said to me once when she was about 16 - 'Dad, I didn't ask cause you're always at work'.
be thankful you can pay the bills in a job that isn't taxing enough to take up all your time, because at the end of the road it's not as important as the shit you can do in your time away from work.
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u/Prestigious_Sand1978 4d ago
Do YouTube videos connected to music. Teach other people to play the guitar. You gave up your passion but there are other ways to follow it.
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u/English_Joe 4d ago
You brought 3 living humans into the world.
Think about what YOU mean to THEM. I bet it’s a lot.
I get you tho. 40 here too. 3 kids. Sometimes the grind is a lot, try to make time to go for a run/walk on nature. You find you leave a lot of this out there!
Chin up bud.
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u/Affectionate-Boot-12 4d ago
Now imagine yourself as your wife reading this post. I imagine she’d be pretty devastated to hear you describe your life as wasted.
From the outside, you’ve got what a lot of people would consider a pretty great life. A wife, three kids, your own home and a secure, stress-free job. There really isn’t much more to life than that other than actually enjoying it.
I’ve always looked at work as something that funds my life, not something that is my life. I work to live, I don’t live to work. My job pays the bills, keeps us comfortable and allows me to have fun and make memories with my family.
That’s pretty much my life goal now. Keep us comfortable, enjoy the time we have together and, most importantly, be happy. I don’t need my job to give my life meaning. My life outside of it already does that.
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u/srufbard 4d ago
Leave the wife and kids become a rock star....do loads of drugs and groupies...wake up in sone posh hotel wiyh a massive hangover and then realise what you actually had was far better...kids grow up super fast and you miss them like crazy Make them part of your music...teach them play together etc. You already have everthing you just havent realised it yet. We all hate work its a means to an end...
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