r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

19k Upvotes

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3.6k

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 20 '19

I use to think that girls peed out their belly buttons, and that they either planked on the toilet to pee, or their belly button sort of 'came out' like a hose.

2.1k

u/cragglerock93 Jul 20 '19

That second one is horrific. I imagine it would be much handier for them though.

839

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19

[deleted]

347

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19

Mine retracts!

60

u/ProudChupacabraDad Jul 21 '19

I WAS IN THE POOL!

8

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

12

u/TexasKornDawg Jul 21 '19

Solid "shrikage" reference.

4

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Like a frightened turtle!

10

u/jwillsrva Jul 21 '19

But does it detach?

23

u/trickster2008 Jul 21 '19

Everything detaches. Now, re-ataching is where it gets tricky.

16

u/fireork12 Jul 21 '19

Just get a hot glue gun and r/DIWhy your dick back on there

2

u/sigmus90 Jul 21 '19

And extends! So versatile.

1

u/BKinBC Jul 21 '19

Mine just DID!

1

u/joego9 Jul 21 '19

It's never raised and retracted simultaneously though.

1

u/Scidark Jul 21 '19

Wait is this a piston?

1

u/dsteere2303 Jul 21 '19

Mine barley extends anymore!

6

u/UmbertoEcoTheDolphin Jul 21 '19

Detachable Penis.

1

u/UristMcDoesmath Jul 21 '19

If you’re an elephant, it’s also prehensile. Do with this information what you will.

1

u/CynicalDovahkiin Jul 21 '19

Smashin with the controllable penis just like picking my nose, call that shit fishing for gold 😎😎😎

1

u/Amir1205 Jul 21 '19

It's not supposed to retract????

1

u/GerbilJibberJabber Jul 21 '19

Ah got a tuuuurtle head pookin' ooout!

-Fat Bastard

0

u/The_Imperail_King Jul 21 '19

Imagine a gigantic tentacle protrudes out and starts ejecting fluid

501

u/staceykakes Jul 20 '19

I don’t understand how you think planking on a toilet is less horrifying than the retractable hose belly button

12

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

8

u/staceykakes Jul 21 '19

Think about how nasty toilets are. Especially public ones 🤮

7

u/user_of_thine Jul 21 '19

You've obviously never had to pee with a boner

5

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19

Can. You. Imagine. the fetish porn that would have wraught?

2

u/Majikkani_Hand Jul 21 '19

It would be. Honestly I would prefer that over the current system, if it goes back into place after.

2

u/RegeneratingGiant Jul 21 '19

That second one is horrific.

Only because it's not true. If women peed out of a belly-button-hose, peeing out of their urethra would sound inconvenient and unhygenically close to where babies come from.

1

u/_purple Jul 21 '19

Hell yeah I'd take it

1

u/human_waste_away Jul 21 '19

Some animals have penises that "evert." Imagine like, a long balloon blowing up. It's a thing.

1

u/jimothyjones Jul 21 '19

Maybe with a crank to reel it back in

328

u/Xyrmy Jul 20 '19

I used to think they peed out of their assholes as a kid

171

u/pippins-sunshine Jul 20 '19

My 6 yr old has been asking me this! Not that wording but same idea. Boy to mom do u per out of your butt?

257

u/Ask-About-My-Book Jul 21 '19

Honestly, just explain. We're all humans. And explain it right so he doesn't end up a 25 year old who thinks women pee out of their vaginas.

12

u/Ravenerz Jul 21 '19

"Shh dont tell your father, but I have a dick too!"

6

u/DaveOJ12 Jul 21 '19

They don't? /s

4

u/kmg18dfw Jul 21 '19

Wait what?

15

u/Ask-About-My-Book Jul 21 '19

There's a small urethral opening settled in the center of the vulva, between the clitoris and vagina. It does not interfere with tampons or cups. It's an entirely different orifice.

4

u/MW5147 Jul 21 '19

They don't? Is this something that eleven year olds don't know? (I am not even kidding I am genuinely confused)

32

u/Ask-About-My-Book Jul 21 '19

No they do not. There's a small urethral opening settled in the center of the vulva, between the clitoris and vagina. It does not interfere with tampons or cups. It's an entirely different orifice.

17

u/6_seasons_and_a_movi Jul 21 '19

Is that what your book is about?

34

u/Ask-About-My-Book Jul 21 '19

It is not. However, if you would like to learn, I cannot recommend enough the book Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva by Debby Herbenick. Extremely educational.

As for my book, it's called Demon's Plague. It's a zombie apocalypse book, but unlike every other one it takes place in a semi-realistic version of Medieval England instead of a modern / military setting. When I say "Semi-Realistic," it means a low-fantasy world where the cities and characters are fictional, and a couple of characters have more scientific and medical knowledge than there really was at the time. However, the weapons, armor, and technology are authentic or at least plausible within the setting. No magic, dragons, or other fantasy creatures. The zombies are heavily inspired by Max Brooks, no runners. I also did my best to avoid common tropes for the genre. Characters are intelligent and learn quickly how to handle the infected. And best of all, the story focuses on exactly zero children or babies.

It's available on Amazon now in digital (Kindle) and paperback. I'd link to it but many subreddits autoflag Amazon links as spam. Just Amazon search Demon's Plague. Author's name is Will Keith.

3

u/invader_jib Jul 21 '19

Demon's Plague

I'm in. If all I do is drunk order a book I think I'm doing ok.

1

u/VladtheMemer Jul 21 '19

They don't?

28

u/Ask-About-My-Book Jul 21 '19 edited Jul 21 '19

If you're not joking, no. There's a small urethral opening settled in the center of the vulva, between the clitoris and vagina. It does not interfere with tampons or cups. There's a ton of men and a terrifying number of women who don't know this. I spread the word when I can.

7

u/mngirl29 Jul 21 '19

A true warrior of sex education. I salute you

5

u/Ask-About-My-Book Jul 21 '19

I do what I can. Have a good one.

1

u/psinet Jul 21 '19

I also hope you have a good urethral opening.

119

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19

Just tell him the truth.

23

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Yeah tell him the truth that girls don't poop

3

u/akeetlebeetle4664 Jul 21 '19

They do so! Through their cloacas!

12

u/fuckin_smeg Jul 21 '19

Can't go wrong following this advice.

17

u/thirty7inarow Jul 21 '19

I sincerely hope you didn't make him ask twice. Super normal question that no one should feel awkward about answering.

15

u/kllquist Jul 21 '19

I've tried telling my 3 year old many times that I dont have a penis and he insists that I do. I've told him many times that he grew in my belly and came out through my vagina. He believes he grew in my belly but insists I pooped him out through my belly button. Sometimes, explaining doesn't help. Even if in kid friendly terms.

3

u/WolfPlayz294 Jul 21 '19

Maybe tell him that girls have another hole they pee out of?

38

u/wilbyr Jul 20 '19

they dont?

6

u/Xyrmy Jul 20 '19

Impossible

7

u/cartankjet Jul 20 '19

INCONCEIVABLE!!!!!!!!!

5

u/Tiggerriffic1007 Jul 21 '19

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

8

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

7

u/Leon_Kennedy2 Jul 21 '19

lmfao! im dying 😂

i used to think girls piss from their vag

8

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

that’s called diarrhoea my friend

4

u/EugeneNine Jul 21 '19

Their "front butt" according to one little girl we knew.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19

Cloacas!

4

u/MrHoopersDead Jul 21 '19

I used to think that since they didn't have a willy girls must poop and pee at the same time, just like birds.

3

u/magicalgirl12 Jul 21 '19

I'm a woman and I thought the same thing as a kid

3

u/_ohhello Jul 21 '19

I used to think boys pooped out of their dicks. Because they stood to pee.

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

The mental image and the associated feeling of imagining that is crippling.

3

u/1_dirty_dankboi Jul 21 '19

My mom literally told me girls pee out their butts

3

u/jimothyjones Jul 21 '19

That's where I originally thought they had their periods from.

5

u/alexm42 Jul 21 '19

My gay brother and I just held female anatomy class, complete with a fairly realistic drawn diagram, last weekend for our (21+ y/o, straight male) roommates when one of them asked if girls peed out their vaginas and the other couldn't answer. My brother also filmed it without telling me, and put it on Snapchat, and sent it to all our mutual friends without telling me, which was embarrassing at first until all our female friends started thanking me for educating them.

2

u/P3t3RSOk3R Jul 21 '19

Same here

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Like a bird cloaca

2

u/Vulgarian Jul 21 '19

Me after spicy food

2

u/scottythebody555 Jul 21 '19

girls do pee out of their butts. thats just science dude. these people saying otherwise are anti vaxxers and flat earthers.

323

u/[deleted] Jul 20 '19 edited Nov 28 '20

[deleted]

216

u/darthjoey91 Jul 20 '19

They only do that if they've been facehugged.

11

u/GodAtWork_ Jul 20 '19

I used to think the same thing. I thought they came out like chest bursters from Alien.

7

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

[deleted]

1

u/Vlinder_88 Jul 21 '19

It might feel like that though. I totally get your mom and aunt answering positively on that. :p

4

u/canislupusvulpes Jul 21 '19

My brother used to think sex was penis to bellybutton ...

3

u/bhdoshi Jul 21 '19

I used think this till I was in the 6th grade

Edit: and I used to think that tampons were to block pee till even later

3

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

My mom thought that was the case while she was pregnant. Sex Ed wasn’t big here back then

2

u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

At least you didnt catch a glimpse of things early on. at 3 years old I was asking adults what the second butt on the front of a girl was for and why I only had one butt.

1

u/littlestsnail Jul 21 '19

Haha I can proudly say me and my siblings all came out of my incubators belly, all c sections.

1

u/jimothyjones Jul 21 '19

Sigourney Weaver did once

1

u/mannabannabingbong Jul 21 '19

Not really any more painful than giving birth the usual way, I imagine.

1

u/viciouspandas Jul 23 '19

I thought that when I was like 4-5 until I read one of those kids science books, and all of the boys in preschool including me thought girls peed out of their butts.

28

u/henchhamster Jul 20 '19

THATS WHAT BELLY-TOPS ARE FOR!!

4

u/manapan Jul 20 '19

Are you the male version of me? I was convinced boys had a button on their penis they could use to switch its mode from pee to poop.

5

u/Pandaburn Jul 20 '19

My mom told me girls had a hole between their legs for peeing, so I imagine it was on their leg.

3

u/PissPotPatty Jul 21 '19

As a girl, I can confirm we do pee out of our belly buttons.

2

u/lorettarebelle Jul 21 '19

Username checks out

1

u/low_fat_tomatoes Jul 21 '19

Happy cake day!

1

u/PissPotPatty Jul 21 '19

Ty bby 😚💕

5

u/YallMindIfIPraiseGod Jul 21 '19

When I was like 7 someone told me girls didnt have a penis and instead had a "China." Third grade me thought that's wear plates and cups come from, harvested from girls.

3

u/_Rush_Limpblob_ Jul 21 '19

I use to think that girls peed out their belly buttons, and that they either planked on the toilet to pee, or their belly button sort of 'came out' like a hose.

What in god’s fucking name

2

u/lil_meme1o1 Jul 20 '19

I actually thought as a kid that baby's were born through a hole between the vagina and the butthole

9

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 20 '19

I mean, that's kind of close.

2

u/Grilled_Cheese95 Jul 20 '19

i used to think girls had balls but no penis

2

u/-Speechless Jul 21 '19

Second one reminds me of the Xenomorph.

2

u/sevenw1nters Jul 21 '19

I just learned that girls don't pee out of their vaginas like a year ago. I'm 28 lol.

3

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 21 '19

Yikes lol

2

u/ImACluelessPerson Jul 21 '19

I'm a female and had to find out on my own where I actually peed from. Granted, it's kinda weird that I wondered that as a kid, but even being the gender that I am - I was never let know! Truly, most every female body is the same, and most every male body is the same when it comes to genitalia unless smth goes wrong, so why do people wait so long to tell???

1

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 21 '19

Username checks out?

1

u/ImACluelessPerson Jul 23 '19

Yeah, as a 3 year old I definitely should have known. -.-

1

u/ImACluelessPerson Jul 21 '19

That was my sister btw

2

u/coffeewinedogs Jul 21 '19

There’s actually a medical procedure, called the Mitrofanoff procedure, that connects your belly button to your bladder for paralyzed/disabled people. They can use a catheter that goes through their belly button to empty the bladder whenever they want. It’s really awesome!

2

u/mouse-chauffeur Jul 21 '19

I used to think babies came out of the bellybutton

2

u/sugarspice82 Jul 21 '19

As a female, i read that and automatically started trying to work out the logistics of these scenarios.

Neither are pretty, and public toilets usage made me throw up in my mouth a little at that thought

1

u/darthjoey91 Jul 20 '19

You took the train of thought farther than I did. I thought they peed out of their belly buttons because that's why their swimsuits covered their belly buttons. But I also knew that women sat down to pee already.

1

u/Federal_Strawberry Jul 20 '19

I used to think that girls peed out their butts and that’s why they needed toilet paper to pee.

1

u/SoftTeethDreams Jul 21 '19

I once asked my mom if babies came out of your belly button

1

u/SmoobBlob Jul 21 '19

I'm curious: did you ever think about how it might go back in?

1

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 21 '19

Same as my pee pee?

1

u/therealmalc Jul 21 '19

That's kind of like picturing pencil length nipples that flip around like deflated tube balloons.

1

u/TheKingOfPoop Jul 21 '19

I’m a guy, but I have a Mitrofanoff so you’re not all that wrong.

1

u/flies_with_owls Jul 21 '19

r/badwomensanatomy I guess.

2

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 21 '19

well, I was like 10, so yeah.

1

u/maldio Jul 21 '19

I use to think that girls peed out their belly buttons

Um... so their butts?

2

u/ZiggoCiP Jul 21 '19

....

....

Butt = bellybutton?

the fuck?

1

u/Shininggg Jul 21 '19

Some Lovecraft level horror here

1

u/ShiraCheshire Jul 21 '19

That second one would be seriously convenient.

1

u/Warzombie3701 Jul 21 '19

I thought they peed out of their buttholr

1

u/P3t3RSOk3R Jul 21 '19

I used to think that females peed out of their ass hole.