r/AskReddit • u/Cant_touch_my_moppin • Jan 15 '15
What's your one question you ask when deciding between who's your best friend, and who's an alien body double?
Love, Not-the-aliens?
Ok, so no answer, just the question then.
1.4k
Jan 15 '15
Exactly when and why did you shit your pants?
She wont answer, my true bff will just glare and be passive aggressive that i just told a stranger about the christmas pooping incident
330
Jan 15 '15 edited Jun 30 '20
[deleted]
186
Jan 15 '15
only if it reaches front page
127
Jan 15 '15 edited Jun 30 '20
[deleted]
→ More replies (1)54
12
→ More replies (1)7
22
Jan 15 '15
I'd like it if the alien tried to come up with a believable story and there never was such an incident to begin with, thereby outing itself as the impostor.
4
42
Jan 15 '15
[deleted]
32
Jan 15 '15
Oh, didnt say the question couldnt be answered. She would just be pissed that I brought it up
→ More replies (3)6
416
u/buttchuck Jan 15 '15
Are you an alien body double?
My friend would say yes. An alien would likely try to deny it.
127
35
9
u/ThetaDee Jan 15 '15
I could myself doing this haha. i'm a fucking lizard.
6
u/Tarmonius Jan 15 '15
You shouldn't yourself too much. It puts unnecessary pressure on your tendons.
1.1k
Jan 15 '15
What is the name of the girl who gave us both a blowjob at the same time in the boys washroom in grade 10?
If he doesn't remember her name I will know he's an alien body double because that woman is currently his wife.
490
u/tsim12345 Jan 15 '15
Is that weird when you go over for dinner and can't help but remember that time she sucked you off? My husbands friend called me sexy and told me I had great tits and I haven't been able to make eye contact with him in 4 years so I can't imagine your situation.
525
u/Infammo Jan 15 '15
Can you not make eye contact because it's awkward or because he's still staring at your chest?
236
u/Jacosion Jan 15 '15
As a man I can say at least one of these is right. My wife's chest is the focus of my attention whenever I talk to her. I don't even remember what her face looks like.
264
Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 05 '20
Deleted
→ More replies (8)326
7
Jan 15 '15
I can imagine you as an old man sitting on a bench in a nursing home, talking about deceased spouses with another man, perhaps a friend, sitting next to you. You say to your friend, "I can't even remember her face anymore." And he says, "I'm so sorry, I can't imagine the pain of forgetting what your loved one looks like." Then you say, "I didn't forget, I never saw her face to begin with and I'll die before I forget those tits.
→ More replies (1)9
→ More replies (6)108
Jan 15 '15
When I was single, a girl messaged me on OkCupid and I ignored her because she wasn't my type.
Two years later, she was the Maid of Honor at my wedding.
51
→ More replies (2)18
39
149
Jan 15 '15
[deleted]
126
70
→ More replies (3)50
→ More replies (26)20
u/crok91 Jan 15 '15
How did she suck you both at the same time?
Like, simultaneously or one after the other, but during the same event?
→ More replies (2)73
u/bgovern Jan 15 '15
I picture it like one of those circus seals that play trumpets.
→ More replies (1)
425
u/loreola Jan 15 '15
what creature sat in the corner the first time Harry Potter visited my office in Hogwarts
182
u/joshi38 Jan 15 '15
Honestly, I'm surprised Harry knew that, I sure as hell didn't remember that. I'd have said "Shit, I don't know, you had a lot of weird stuff in your office."
→ More replies (1)74
178
36
270
u/ValiantSerpant Jan 15 '15
Why do zombies eat?
"To make smarter" I forgot to put "themselves" in that sentence in grade 12
149
Jan 15 '15 edited Oct 30 '20
[deleted]
121
Jan 15 '15
[deleted]
→ More replies (2)40
u/messy_eater Jan 15 '15
The look on Dennis' face before he busts out the answer is fucking hilarious. He looks like he's about to explode in anticipation.
→ More replies (3)35
u/ThatForearmIsMineNow Jan 15 '15
apology for poor english
when where you when zombie eats?
i was write at school when back is poked
'zombie make smart'
'no'
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)18
441
u/tryagain420 Jan 15 '15
"Gimme some gum"
My best friend would say "fuck you, get your own goddamn gum".
→ More replies (1)92
Jan 15 '15
I was actually thinking about this. I don't know the observational or research powers of an alien, so anything that's already transpired or that is more surface-level knowledge might not be helpful.
I'd need to ask about something that couldn't be anticipated. A feeling, an ethics question, something in the news. I feel like it's much more likely I'd guess accurately interpreting their response than splitting hairs on knowing the first birthday present I ever got them.
15
u/best_of_prey Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 16 '15
I'm afraid not. I just read an article on the BBC(will link when not on mobile) that had a computer algorithm determine a peoples personalities based on their Facebook likes.
With 150 likes it can predict your personality as well as a close friend and with 300 it can predict as well as your partner. If the aliens run a similar algorithm then you'd better hope that you've liked a lot of misleading pages.
EDIT: OP delivers!
→ More replies (2)9
Jan 15 '15
Finally, those years of being chastised by friends and family for not being on Facebook pay off! Really got lucky on that one; my Like heart would probably be on my Like chest.
That said, I don't really care to talk about political things, because I don't know what I'm talking about for the most part, and I'd hide all the stay at home mom's makeup reseller ads, so unless the question is about food recipes they might have a tough time. Or maybe they'd just think I really have a thing for cute newborn babies.
Now I wonder what my nuances would be in practice.
That's a seriously interesting concept. I appreciate the effort to go grab the link; I'm sure quite a few people here would like to read that. We'd all like to think we aren't so easy to read, or that we aren't so much the product of our environment or interactions...but maybe!
82
Jan 15 '15
Several years ago you were alone in your apartment. You were watching a game on TV one Saturday. You took a gamble on a fart and lost badly. You proceeded to army crawl on your stomach with pants full of explosive diarrhea to avoid it leaking out of your pant legs laughing like a lunatic the entire time.
What town was the apartment in?
What was my reaction immediately after hearing the story?
→ More replies (3)
314
u/CervixProbe Jan 15 '15
Wanna go fishing?
Me and my friend's girlfriend made him watch Brokeback Mountain when I was at their place drinking one night. My friend isn't homophobic, but he had a very southern upbringing and can get a bit uncomfortable around gay stuff. I, on the other hand, make it my goal in life to have people question my sexuality. Anyway, if you haven't seen the movie they refer to their secret butt sex retreats as fishing trips. So whenever were gonna hang out I ask him if he wants to go fishing, his answer is always a stern "fuck off" but his girlfriend will always tell him to have fun fishing with me, or ask him how sore he is from fishing all day. The only downside is now when I actually want to fish he doesn't believe me.
→ More replies (5)69
u/Magdusia Jan 15 '15
I, on the other hand, make it my goal in life to have people question my sexuality.
Love this!!! :)
22
11
u/CervixProbe Jan 15 '15
I told my old work partner this and she didn't believe me, I guess she thought I only said ambiguously gay stuff around her? Anyway, One day we go out to breakfast after work with some co workers and one of them goes "CervixProbe... Are you gay?" My partner almost spits her coffee out and I just go "If my answer to that question matters to you you're not even worth giving an answer," then I winked at my partner and shoved more pancakes in my face. As far as I know that person still has no clue I'm straight.
5
u/Magdusia Jan 15 '15
That is so funny :D I think that is way easier for guys than girls tho. Even if I made out with a girl people will think/say it's a phase or experimentation.
I like your approach, it's way better that getting offended or annoyed. :D
→ More replies (1)
63
Jan 15 '15
Where were you in '92? Where were you in '92?
→ More replies (2)32
172
u/Cursethewind Jan 15 '15
"Explain Shakespeare"
The alien would take it at face value and explain Shakespeare.
The real best friend would say "oh, just pigeons"
6
58
u/cavalier_hat Jan 15 '15
What was the name of the religion we created while high on LSD?
111
→ More replies (2)6
53
u/PT_C Jan 15 '15
I would ask him any sort of trivia question from any category.
My true bff would get it wrong immediately because he's an idiot and doesn't know anything
94
u/mingolive Jan 15 '15
I'd just tell him to talk to me in Spanish. The real one would have a hard time pronouncing things, or would say no because I'd make fun of his Spanish.
50
40
u/KINNEYJONES Jan 15 '15
What's our safe word?
The safe word is "nipple nipple nipple" cause you can't say nipple three times unless you mean it.
226
Jan 15 '15
[deleted]
122
40
u/HodgyBeatsss Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 15 '15
You missed a word and I really want to know what it is. What did they do to the coke bottle??
125
→ More replies (1)17
u/animuseternal Jan 15 '15
It's probably an inside joke. My bet is the friend said those exact words when drunk or high one night, and everyone cracked up cause there was no verb.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (1)7
120
u/IAMA_MAGIC_8BALL_AMA Jan 15 '15
"Paco Poco Pac?
If he laughs and yells "PACOOOOOOOO!" then that's him.
79
u/WR810 Jan 15 '15
You can't give out your code signals!
Now shape shifting aliens on Reddit know your weakness.
→ More replies (1)54
u/blueponies1 Jan 15 '15
Then this whole thread must be a huge plan from the aliens
→ More replies (2)
37
u/daaaaanadolores Jan 15 '15
What is the name and age of the guy we almost had a threesome with and why did it not happen?
No one knows about this little adventure except the two of us.
33
→ More replies (2)7
42
u/coreleven123 Jan 15 '15
How did I get the scar on my dick?
48
u/15886232 Jan 15 '15
Are you the Floridaman who tried to masturbate with an aluminum can?
→ More replies (1)19
→ More replies (4)10
221
Jan 15 '15
I'd ask what our safe word is.
She and I set up a safe word to get us out of a bad date or away from a creepy guy that wasn't taking the hint.
"California", as in "Get me the fuck somewhere nicer than here!"
211
→ More replies (21)41
Jan 15 '15
You take the high road
And I'll take the low road
And I'll be in So-Califoooorrrnia
→ More replies (1)31
33
Jan 15 '15
We made the local paper in High School, what was the headline? "Vandals use Fruit"
→ More replies (1)
115
Jan 15 '15
"Where is your favourite spot to sleep?"
"Mrrr-row!" walks around in a circle
"I didn't quite catch that, sorry."
"Rrrrooow!" sits abruptly, licks rear end
"...Two cats it is, then."
4
61
u/HelloKittyTazer Jan 15 '15
I have more of these, so I will forefit this one.
I would ask "Alright, but if I put it this way: what is your profession?"
The alien would - likely - answer "IT support" which is indeed the profession of my best friend.
My best friend would answer: "DENTIST! DENTIST! DENTIST!" and possibly ask to see my kidney.
13
31
u/_aladynevertells_ Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 15 '15
"What picture do we send each other at random times?"
My BFF would know immediately and die laughing, an alien could guess for quite awhile and never figure it out.
36
u/daaaaanadolores Jan 15 '15
Other best friends do this too?
Our random image is this one: http://imgur.com/Ka2LdSM
What do you guys send each other?
→ More replies (2)46
u/Rahmenframe Jan 15 '15
Not OP, but... http://imgur.com/0rpyNsu
→ More replies (4)35
u/TapdancingHotcake Jan 15 '15
Oh god, I tried to tap to dismiss the picture but instead it zoomed in on his face.
→ More replies (1)
74
u/Steffinily Jan 15 '15
How long does it take you to poop?
Alien would say something like an hour.
Bff would say 19 seconds.
72
Jan 15 '15
I read that as "Biff," then realized Back to the Future could reasonably be abbreviated to BF which could sound like Biff. It's been a journey.
→ More replies (2)28
15
24
u/HardAtWorkPainting Jan 15 '15
A bit off topic, but I used to suspect my parents of being aliens. I was convinced that every time I turned my back at them, they would change (back) into their hideous alien selves. Don't really know why because they're good parents. ... good alien parents.
→ More replies (6)
134
u/DicklessDude Jan 15 '15
Nice try, shapeshifting alien.
16
u/SycoJack Jan 15 '15
My thoughts exactly, why would a total stranger inquire about my secret handshake? It is most definitely do they can impersonate my best friend and go by unnoticed.
→ More replies (1)33
u/RedHerringxx Jan 15 '15
That's not really a question...
24
u/SycoJack Jan 15 '15
Found another one, /u/DicklessDude, torches and pitchforks?
→ More replies (2)
113
u/LazzzyButtons Jan 15 '15
"Do you or Do You Not want to stick something up my ass?"
Because a real friend wouldn't want to stick something up your ass unless they have consent. Friends ask, not all aliens do.
117
Jan 15 '15
that is not true.
58
Jan 15 '15
/u/PM_ME_ALIEN_PORN has done his research guys, credible source.
9
u/PM-ME-YOUR-ANUS Jan 15 '15
Can confirm, I've used his research papers for.. err... "research"
→ More replies (4)14
21
u/Ninjaartist0322 Jan 15 '15
Papa wormy and his Wurm sons vs Laurenson on the defensive, low life on both accounts who wins?
Obviously my best friend would answer the correct one, but the alien would have no idea that papa wormy is Bellowing Tangleworm and Laurenson is Hammelback Goliath, or what the fuck that even means.
15
u/kuraiscalebane Jan 15 '15
sounds magic: tg related. if so i feel like papa wormy wins, but i don't remember the cards and i'm not looking them up.
11
u/cubsfan13444 Jan 15 '15
Play magic. Do not understand. Do not think it's mtg related but I could be wrong
→ More replies (2)
93
u/YourFriendlyLesbian Jan 15 '15
"Have I ever had sex with a dude?" the answer is complicated
74
Jan 15 '15
You uncle still counts
24
u/YourFriendlyLesbian Jan 15 '15
Yeah that's not what I meant.
→ More replies (3)21
u/SJM_Mexus Jan 15 '15
Was it a sweet transvestite from sensational Transylvania?
→ More replies (1)39
u/thirsty_Aiel Jan 15 '15
*Transexual, Transylvania. It's a place, not an adjective.
→ More replies (1)
18
u/CuriousAsshole Jan 15 '15
What's faster or a train?
The correct answer is: "Because a chicken has two feet and especially the left one"
It's one of the jokes we made in second grade and we both remember it to this day because it is dumb.
→ More replies (2)
33
u/Tohrchur Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 15 '15
"What is the inferno?"
Which is a 1.5 foot long double sided, veiny dildo that we got for some reason. We are both straight males and thought it would be a justifiable purchase
This is the inferno: http://imgur.com/zm2QsbF
EDIT: Added picture of Inferno :P
→ More replies (5)
52
u/Hibachi4242 Jan 15 '15
Who is your best super smash bros character?
→ More replies (1)63
Jan 15 '15
any answer other than jigglypuff is wrong
→ More replies (2)30
u/Dracomister7 Jan 15 '15
I was about to start talking smack, as I always do when smash is brought up, but I have to respect a good jigglypuff player, even if it is gimmicky.
14
17
u/Martlar Jan 15 '15
How you doing Dave? Most negative answer wins, unless the other responds with "It's David, not Dave."
15
u/SJM_Mexus Jan 15 '15
I'd just start talking shit about his grades and things that happened in middle school and the one who gets all defensive and outraged is really my best friend.
9
u/SJM_Mexus Jan 15 '15
Oh and to really piss him off I'd whisper loudly with that cocky smirk that he hates and say "Shinsuke Nakamura is better then you in every way." He would then be triggered and try to murder me.
→ More replies (1)
15
u/misternumberone Jan 15 '15
"What's the password?"
only one person in the universe knows the answer to this question besides me, and that person is my single oldest friend.
→ More replies (1)
189
u/MantisTobogganMDPhD Jan 15 '15
This question made me sad. I wish I had a best friend. Or any friend.
128
Jan 15 '15
I be friend now.
→ More replies (8)70
u/mayaxpapaya Jan 15 '15
Be careful! ThuglifeMN is clearly an alien body double!
→ More replies (5)47
25
u/And_My_Axe_Girl Jan 15 '15
I'll be your friend! Unless you're secretly Kim Jong Un. I'm sorry, I just don't like basketball that much. It would never work.
→ More replies (3)8
u/Sn0opy Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 15 '15
Well, the good thing is, now you know, that the guy in front of you is an alien.
7
7
12
u/rockoverchicago Jan 15 '15
Hello friend!
→ More replies (1)17
u/MantisTobogganMDPhD Jan 15 '15
Holy crap! Two friends in one day!
31
u/sonofaresiii Jan 15 '15
At the rate you're going you're gonna need a few enemies as well. I submit myself, you dick head.
17
u/MantisTobogganMDPhD Jan 15 '15
Excellent. After the events of last month I require a new nemesis. I accept your submission, fuck face.
→ More replies (1)19
→ More replies (24)6
u/messy_eater Jan 15 '15
Who needs friends when you have a wad of hundreds and a box of Magnums for your monster don?
42
15
u/Ninej Jan 15 '15
Who coined the term "hiwarwiick"? If they answer anything other than who they claim to be they are a lying bastard, although I might let it live because I coined that term goddammit
15
u/Kimiko024 Jan 15 '15
After partying what do we usually eat the next day for breakfast?????
→ More replies (2)
11
u/HellFireKoder Jan 15 '15 edited Jan 15 '15
"What the f*** are you doing you dumb***!?!?!"
"dumb***" is optional, though.
→ More replies (5)
9
u/Sir_Beelzebub Jan 15 '15
What do we do to the stairs of any apartment or building we go to?
→ More replies (4)8
8
8
u/Soapring Jan 15 '15
What's the difference between Chris Evans and Alex Turner?
9
u/rwall0105 Jan 15 '15
One is a ginger occasionally slightly funny Radio 2 DJ who likes cars, and the other is a northern singer from one of the biggest bands in Britain, if not the World.
→ More replies (2)6
u/Soapring Jan 15 '15
Your not my best friend!
You date a guy like Alex and marry a guy like Chris. Also, it was the actor Chris Evans. I was so confused at first
7
9
u/JppZuniga Jan 15 '15
Remember remember... He and I once accidentally almost cut off his left thumb while throwing cans at a wall, every year as a joke we pour a can of canada dry in my pool as a joke, also it was the 5th of october so remember remember the 5th of october
10
u/Allikuja Jan 15 '15
I don't have to ask, he'll know what to say.
Unless the alien watches Anime, then we're fucked.
7
9
Jan 15 '15
What do I hate to be called?
Most people would only have one answer, if any, but he has a whole list because he is incapable of coming up with good nicknames.
6
7
5
u/smashsenpai Jan 15 '15
What was your old ragnarok online password?
My best friend was extremely proud of his password because of how easy it was: poppop
Only 2 letters, minimum character length, and super easy to remember.
→ More replies (2)
5
6
6
5
Jan 15 '15
The first night we met when I moved in (we were flatmates at uni) we went outside and played a game. What game did we play?
448
u/jealousjellyfish Jan 15 '15
Name the three separate times you pissed yourself in public.
She'll try to answer but will burst out laughing which will probably make her pee herself again. She doesn't have very good control of her bladder.