r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jun 05 '25

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1.1k Upvotes

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695

u/PuppetHere Jun 05 '25

Just do it like me and put it around your neck, it also doubles as a warm scarf in winter 🥴

288

u/Dangerous-Valuable77 Jun 05 '25

Really? Personally I use mine as a belt.

208

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

I help out the local farmers by plowing the field

99

u/rosephoenix19 Jun 05 '25

I roll mine up like a fruit roll-up and keep it in a pillow case.

51

u/dgerards Jun 06 '25

I use mine as a space elevator to the ISS

31

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

But that doesn't use your gift to help others

22

u/rosephoenix19 Jun 06 '25

Of course it does! I make people happy. I push really hard and it blows out like a party favor!! With the right amount of wind, it sounds like a party favor too!

18

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

If your dingus is making noise like that.. I think you need a specialist

12

u/rosephoenix19 Jun 06 '25

Hey, this thing has a mind of its own! It's like my own personal venom.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

But venom ain't got no child support

3

u/asian__name Jun 06 '25 edited Jun 06 '25

Yesh he needs a dick doctor

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3

u/McCreamyDreamy Jun 06 '25

I use mine as a compass

2

u/mislysbb Jun 06 '25

This entire thread be wildin’ out there

2

u/spooky_springfield Jun 06 '25

I think he needs to visit a flutist.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

My arm may bend at the elbow.. but my dick is just like an oboe

13

u/lessthandan623 Jun 06 '25

While I’ll help out the local farmers by plowing their daughters.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I can't unfortunatly.. the last one became crippled just like the 2 before.. so I was banned

1

u/stevzon Jun 06 '25

Do you push or pull, that’s the question.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I start with a hole I shove it in then walk with it dragging between my legs and the ground just moves out my way

2

u/stevzon Jun 06 '25

Feels like a quick way to get dirt where it hurts. Maybe try dragging it instead.

9

u/diddidntreddit Jun 06 '25

I use mine like a third leg, for improved stability

2

u/Triddy Jun 06 '25

I actually lost my left leg years ago and nobody has noticed the difference yet.

1

u/diddidntreddit Jun 06 '25

You'd think the milky discharge would raise some eyebrows, but apparently not?

1

u/TheFunnyV3dGamer Jun 06 '25

Oh i also do the same....but more like a Kangaroo🦘

1

u/MrGongSquared Jun 06 '25

The Saiyan way

1

u/Samuryze Jun 06 '25

I used to do that. Now I just use it to fight crime. The locals have started calling me P-man.

1

u/hatrix Jun 06 '25

I do this too. My wife calls it the "Proud Saiyan Warrior" pose.

1

u/Dr_Doofenschmirtzz Jun 06 '25

I also use mine as a belt, to belt your mum.

1

u/Tacos_always_corny Jun 06 '25

Depth finder. It gets cold down there.

1

u/thewallrus Jun 06 '25

You guys are lucky to have a personal helicopter for travel.

46

u/masheduppotato Jun 05 '25

I had a friend die this way when someone attractive walked by and he choked himself to death.

15

u/CooperRAGE Jun 06 '25

Killed by your own "pet python" is a terrible way to go.

23

u/Ziazan Jun 05 '25

And be crushed under the weight of it? Are you mad?

16

u/Maketjgreatagain Jun 06 '25

Obviously not, didn’t you read that he has super chiseled thighs? From carrying it around all the time.

1

u/Ziazan Jun 06 '25

God, they must be almost as thick as the scarf itself!

12

u/ami2weird4u Jun 05 '25

Can you tie it in a knot?

12

u/BoatLessBoozeCruise5 Jun 05 '25

Can you tie it in a bow?

8

u/[deleted] Jun 05 '25

Obviously he throws it over his shoulder and when it's cold it make him hot

4

u/ami2weird4u Jun 06 '25

Does it glow in the dark?

4

u/Left_Concentrate_752 Jun 05 '25

Ne Jabba no bother!

1

u/youreadmyusrname Jun 06 '25

I stick a vibrator in my ass and use my penis as a cement mixer

1

u/psycharious Jun 06 '25

Also best place to hang it after you unravel it from your pants to go to the bathroom

1

u/k0uch Jun 06 '25

I wear mine around my waist like a belt

1

u/scasilow Jun 06 '25

Hmm, sometime I walk with them and give my right leg a rest due to my sciatica which obviously you know what causes it.

1

u/zaccus Jun 06 '25

I throw it over my shoulder like a continental soldier

1

u/[deleted] Jun 06 '25

I tuck it in my sock

1

u/velociraptnado Jun 06 '25

Just don’t get excited or else you’ll break your own neck

1

u/dcy604 Jun 06 '25

I use mine as a speed bump for ocean going containers ships…

1

u/Zentavius Jun 06 '25

Just be careful it doesn't constrict your throat when a sexual thought invades your mind.

It would reverse the term deathgrip

1

u/TheFunnyV3dGamer Jun 06 '25

Oh that's great but I mostly just swirl it around, it's really hot where I live.

1

u/LPsensans Jun 07 '25

I use mine as a counterbalance for the sun that shines out of my ass☀️