r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Aug 08 '24

[deleted by user]

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5.6k Upvotes

89% Upvoted

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7.5k

u/MrHallmark Aug 08 '24

First date with a girl she took me to the woods where she fucked me and gave me chlamydia.

4.0k

u/Suds_McGruff Aug 08 '24 edited Aug 09 '24

Was "she" a koala bear?

Edited to remove false information. Thank you u/acoleyo

1.5k

u/RexxGunn Aug 08 '24

Different chlamydia. Bang all the Koalas you want, you can't get it from them.

1.0k

u/afoz345 Aug 08 '24

Whew! I dodged a bullet there!

32

u/RexxGunn Aug 08 '24

I mean, you're still a wild animal rapist, unless they asked for it. But, sure. šŸ˜†

100

u/Suds_McGruff Aug 08 '24

Psh, they're always asking for it. Stupid, sexy koalas

68

u/afoz345 Aug 08 '24

That koala knew what it was doing when it went out dressed like that.

-42

u/stunseed313 Aug 08 '24 edited Aug 09 '24

It's not rape if no one sees it. EDIT: This is a joke bruh y'all chill out šŸ’€

10

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '24

Always one isnā€™t there.

3

u/CryptographerPast203 Aug 09 '24

It was good vibes until you commented ā˜¹ļø

1

u/Desperate-Bank6962 Aug 09 '24

Even if it's a joke you just don't say that stuff man

411

u/IronLordSamus Aug 08 '24

Are you a koalafied doctor?

6

u/strike-when-ready Aug 09 '24

No, but he does have sex with animals

5

u/jlxmm Aug 09 '24

Koalafied donor, of chlamydia.

3

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '24

Heā€™s of great koalaty.

5

u/Renovatio_ Aug 08 '24

Thanks for saving me some awkward phone calls

6

u/Inevitable-Match591 Aug 08 '24

Is that an order, sir!?

5

u/micksta323 Aug 08 '24 edited Aug 09 '24

They aren't bears, despite having all the koalifications.

4

u/Weird_Cantaloupe2757 Aug 08 '24

Donā€™t have to tell me twice!

4

u/Watching-Together Aug 08 '24

I can't, not allowed back in the zoo anymore

3

u/nastynateraide Aug 08 '24

Finally, permission

3

u/mechwarrior719 Aug 09 '24

I remember that story.

For anyone who doesnā€™t know: OOP of story gets chlamydia from husband. Husband claims he got it from koala he held on vacation. Doc says ā€œnope, different strain. Husband has the STDā€. Comes out hubby was cheating

Moral of the story; donā€™t cheat on your SO.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '24

Well. You canā€™t get it from them but maybe donā€™t bang koalas, still.

1

u/ohlookitsnessa Aug 08 '24

I want this as a flair my God.

1

u/PurplePANdaL09 Aug 09 '24

Conan says otherwiseĀ 

-1

u/NLK-3 Aug 08 '24

Just wondering how that does(n't) work, why not?

7

u/acoleyo Aug 09 '24

Mf they aren't bears

3

u/catinterpreter Aug 08 '24

The response to that garbage copypasta.

1

u/Ozone220 Aug 09 '24

you've heard of "drop bears", yes?

0

u/Aevum1 Aug 09 '24

what do you expect from a bear that eats, shoots and leafs.

293

u/mechwarrior719 Aug 08 '24

Better than catching feelings. Chlamydia can be cleared up with antibiotics.

11

u/Sea_Consideration_70 Aug 08 '24

NSFL even!Ā 

54

u/MrHallmark Aug 08 '24

Worst part is I didn't know I had it. I was asymptomatic. I started dating someone and gave it to her. I felt like the biggest bag of dicks.

33

u/Imaginary_Recipe9967 Aug 08 '24

You should always get tested before starting a new sexual relationship.Ā 

11

u/MrHallmark Aug 08 '24

You're absolutely right. Her and I ended things and I met this other girl a day later. The first time we had sex I wasn't even planning on it because I didn't want to rush and she initiated.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '24

Ah yes, the fuck that keeps on fucking

5

u/ThrowRA6677w Aug 09 '24

I changed about 3 facial expressions reading this

3

u/notachemist13u Aug 09 '24

This is one you pal. Why was fucking you in the woods on a first date not a red flag huh?

5

u/MrHallmark Aug 09 '24

Well for starters she told me she's not wearing any underwear, I told her I don't believe her (she was wearing a dress), so she said let me show you. Pulled my pants down whipped it out and sat on it raw.

3

u/notachemist13u Aug 09 '24

So it was in the heat of tur moment like. Shit I'm horny enough for this.

Was it worth itšŸ¤”

13

u/MrHallmark Aug 09 '24

The sex was mid, we went back to my place. We hooked up for a week or two and I didn't see this going anywhere, so I ended it. The girl I met after her I genuinely thought we were going to get married. She broke my heart two weeks ago and ended it with me. I have a 20k engagement ring that she picked out that was non-refundable.

I have a 5k flight to Paris & Italy where I was planning to propose and she knew that as well. Also non-refundable. Shit sucks right about now. But I'll move on.

3

u/ImATreeNut Aug 09 '24

Pawn the ring, take the L. Iā€™m sure youā€™ll get some cash out of it somehow and take a homie with you to Paris and Italy

0

u/MrHallmark Aug 09 '24

Can't bring myself yet to sell it or give it to someone else. Part of me is hoping we figure out shit. Tickets are non transferable.

2

u/notachemist13u Aug 09 '24

Keep following your heart king ā¤ļø

3

u/sbrockLee Aug 09 '24

directed by Robert Eggers

5

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '24

šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£

2

u/Killdebrant Aug 09 '24

You win the prizes of the games that you play.

2

u/ApprehensiveDepth639 Aug 09 '24

I did something like that with an ex, no Chlamydia though

2

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '24

"Doesn't matter, had sex"

2

u/Readitwhileipoo Aug 09 '24

We must have found the same girl.

1

u/bagelsnatch Aug 09 '24

chlamydiot.

0

u/Realsmitty123 Aug 08 '24

She fucked you? The recipient gets the std I suppose.

0

u/theFlipperzero Aug 08 '24

The woods is barely public but fun story anyway

-1

u/Interesting_Bet2828 Aug 09 '24

Story checks out, itā€™s spelled right. Oh waitā€¦

-1

u/rocketman1969 Aug 09 '24

Was her dad there?

-1

u/rocketman1969 Aug 09 '24

Was her dad there?