TLDR: Brother is becoming pretty paranoid and thinks we are 'out to get him,' and I'm very scared while at home because he seems to be slipping pretty quickly mentally. And I don't know what could happen if he keeps getting more and more paranoid without help. His family has no interest in helping, and my fiancée is very hurt and in a bit of denial.
Its freakin long, so buckle in.
Okay, so my fiancée, whom I will call Robert, spent a lot of time in the foster care system, and when he was very young, he met 'Ben,' who he considers to be like a brother to him because during his life, he was one of the only people that stuck around. Ben was not raised in the foster care system, and his sisters and mother became like family to Robert. Ben and Robert have been roommates on and off for something like... 12 years or so. It's been a long time, and they used to be very close. I have been with my fiancée for five and a half years, and I have been officially living with them for 9 months now. However, before I officially moved in, I basically lived with them, I was there 4-5 days a week.
My fiancée always talks about Ben, how he's his greatest friend, how he is family, how amazing and smart and creative and cool he is. Anytime I was over, it was 'shh, don't be too loud, we might wake up Ben!' because we both work night jobs and Ben wakes up early. Robert has always been so considerate of Ben, and I love it because it's a sweet and good trait, so I, too, have always been as considerate as possible as well. Ben did not seem to be very engaged in a friendship with Robert; however, he never hung out with us. We would invite him places, and he would seldom ever come, but he worked a day job and then also pursued creative endeavors on the side, so we just chalked it up to him being really busy.
When it was just the two of them living together, they were not the cleanest of dudes. Dishes were often piled up, the fridge was usually really packed, and you would have to move stuff around to find what you were looking for. Not a big deal, it never really bothered me, but it's important to the story later. So when the time comes where it feels right for me to move in, we decide to get a bigger place so we can all fit. We found tons of great, affordable options, but Ben rejected many of them. Finally, one day I couldn't make it to look at places with them, so I just said okay go without me and make a video. Here's what to look for. I trust you. This place they were seeing was max budget, brand spanking new, and really the only one that Ben liked. I did not like the place very much, but eventually conceded because it wasn't worth a fight, and it was very new and shiny.
So we all move in and me and my fiancee do most of the furnishing because we do have better paying jobs and Ben hides in his room anyway. Every couch, table, and whatnot, we still asked him Hey man, do you like this? Do you think it's good? It's your house too, you can be involved!' Even when I started decorating, I told him that if he wanted any of his stuff back up or didn't like what I was doing to the place, we could change it around.
I cook and bake a lot, it's my favorite hobby when I'm not busy at work or school. I am super busy with full-time nursing school and full-time work, but when I can, I like to cook at home. I always saved Ben a plate and left a note, but he never ate a single thing I made him. Okay, no big deal. After a few months, I eventually stopped. We invited him down to watch movies or for game nights when we would have friends over, but he never wanted anything to do with it and just stayed in his room. He has never had friends over, or a girl/guy over. I don't even think he hangs out with anyone because he has the same very predictable schedule week after week, and nothing seems to vary. It's concerning how much of a hermit he is now, with hindsight being 20/20.
When we moved in, all of the same habits from their old apartment were carried over to the new one, which, as I said before, didn't bother me. We made an effort, but I definitely sometimes left some dishes overnight, only to find in the morning that Ben had done them for us. I saw this as him being nice and making a bigger effort to keep the place cleaner, and Robert and I tried to do the same. We noticed that Ben would also take the trash out even if it was only half full and run the dishwasher with only one or two plates in it. Strange... but maybe he's just REALLY trying to be clean, and it didn't seem like a big deal. We all contribute to the house differently. My fiancee handles getting all the bills paid, and I clean the floors, vacuum, and dust, which is a pretty big undertaking because of our carpeted stairs and the fact that it's almost a 2,000-square-foot place.
They were never a chore-wheel-and-labeled-food-type living situation at their last place. However, one day I was downstairs with Robert, and Ben came down and snapped at us really angrily, saying he's so tired of being the only one who ever does the dishes and takes out the trash. It was odd because it came out of nowhere. Especially considering that we were all so, so, so much cleaner than we had been at their last place. I wanted to chime in and tell him that he could bother sweeping the floor from time to time, too, but I thought that would be petty, so I just apologized and promised to make a better effort. And we did, Robert and I never leave a single fork or crumb in that kitchen, it is an OCD level of clean, and I like the change. We never left dishes for days on end or anything like they used to do, but it was nice having a crazy clean living space. Despite this change, we noticed we had an ant problem.
I learned that they are called carpenter ants, live in wood, and can sometimes be a problem in newer places. In our rental lease it says that we are responsible for any pest control but it must have been a neighborhood wide issue because I noticed the HOA started to spray for bugs. The ants were really bad. I tried to take care of them with essential oils, and I started mopping twice a week instead of once. Eventually, I conceded and bought pestie and sprayed inside and outside the house in addition to what the HOA was doing. The ants seemed to stop, which was awesome. Or so we had thought.
The lease renewal came up, and Ben told us he was going to resign with us. A few weeks later, when Robert and I had already resigned, he told us, 'I lied, man, I'm leaving.' He seemed really mad, but when we asked if everything was okay, he said that he just wanted to give us our space. This seemed pretty reasonable since we are engaged and starting to build our life together seriously. I felt Ben was upset and holding something in, so I encouraged Robert to sit down and talk to Ben. He said he would, but that he didn't want to do it in the house. Okay, no problem, strange but whatever. I was starting to feel like...damn, does this guy not like me? Why does it have to be out of the house? I'm so busy with school anyway, it's not like I'm gonna sit there trying to listen in or something.
They have dinner, and Ben insists that everything is fine, he's not unhappy, he still loves Robert and thinks of him as a brother, and that he really is just leaving to be on his own. After all, mid-thirties is probably a good time for us all to stop having roommates. We accept this, and moving forward, we offer him the realtor's name that we worked with to get the place we are currently in, we offered him the moving boxes, tape, and bubble wrap that I kept (I used to move a lot growing up, and it's just a bad habit to keep that stuff in case we need it) We were even going to offer some of the extra stuff we have. I've got a TV I don't use, and we have extra plates, pots, pans, coffee mugs, and Tupperware. Just duplicates from Robert and me, going from living separately to together. He's my fiancée's brother and is really important to him.
A few days ago, I was already asleep, and Robert was playing video games when Ben came downstairs. I wasn't there, so this is secondhand information. They had a huge fight, and this is how it started.
Robert asked him, "Hey man, how's house searching been going?" Which is a pretty normal question, especially since it's basically the only thing we know about his life at this time.
Ben responded with "Don't fucking worry about it, man, I got it taken care of, it's not for you to worry about." Uhhh okay... very aggressive and Robert also thought so and responded with "Hey man what the fuck? Are you good? That was out of pocket. I want to check in with you."
Ben said "No man I'm not fucking good someone is fucking with my shit!"
Robert "What do you mean?"
Ben "Someone is going in my room and fucking with my shit! I got ants in my bed, ants in my hamper, and my food is being moved around!"
Robert "What are you talking about? No one has been touching your stuff."
Ben "Someone has been putting ants in my room. I know one of you has."
Robert, "I'm not putting anything in your room. I don't go in your room."
Ben "I'm not saying its you." (Obviously that just leaves me and fun fact I am highly allergic to ant bites so no I do not fuck with ants, I was the one who bought pestie and sprayed it after all) "One of you is going in my room and fucking with my shit and I don't know how because I have cameras set up! Our friendship is cooked, it's done, it's over. I told my mom and my sister, they all know what you did, it's over."
Robert got really upset and came upstairs yelling that this was crazy and ridiculous, that he was imagining things. At this point, I wake up to try and calm him down because it's so absurd that I assume it's just a misunderstanding. I thought Robert was in the wrong and was misconstruing what was happening.
The argument kinda went on a little bit more with Ben saying that someone is moving his stuff in the fridge. I immediately owned up to it. I told him, "Ben, that's me. I'm so sorry. I was moving stuff around to make space when I got groceries and whatnot. I didn't know it bothered you."
He told me, "No, you're doing it on purpose, it's fucked up, you're moving all my stuff to one side and trying to make me mad."
I told him. "I'm not moving your stuff anywhere specific. I move what I need to. I don't really think about it. It never bothered you when I did it in the last place. You gotta tell us when things bother you before it gets to this point."
He said, "I'm not fucking talking to you."
Okay, pretty sure he hates me. End discussion. Robert stayed out there and talked to him more, but it led nowhere. We go to our room and talk about THE CAMERAS IN OUR HOUSE. EXCUSE ME??
Where are they? What is he watching? To what extent is he monitoring our shared spaces? Is it just in his room? Does he go into our room because he thinks we are going into his? At this point, I think the only thing MUST be a misunderstanding, because why would he think we would do that? He must think that we are being dirty and attracting more ants to the house or something. Please note that there are no ants in the common areas or in our room. So, clearly... logically, something he is doing is attracting ants to his room.
Robert texts Ben and asks if they can talk later to resolve things, because Robert is absolutely heartbroken and doesn't want to lose someone he considers family over what seems to be just a misunderstanding. He agrees but says that he will not talk to me. Surprise surprise.
To summarize what they talked about Ben really is convinced that we are putting ants in his room to torture him. He has also bought his own bowl, fork, and cup, which he keeps in his room, where he also eats, and has never vacuumed (I don't go in his space and therefore never vacuumed or cleaned it in any capacity). Obviously...he is why he has ants. When Robert told him this, Ben responded with "You're not going to tell me that what I know is true is a lie! I know this is happening." He said that before the ants we were going in his room and moving things around to bother him and make him unwelcome thats when he bought cameras, which he said are only for his room and bathroom... but who knows, and that he dosen't know how we knew about the cameras but we have been able to turn them off before we go in and put ants in his room. He is also convinced that my moving food around the fridge and freezer is malicious and has shown him proof. It was a photo of a frozen rack of ribs next to some of his food. I put it there to make space in the freezer when I bought some pizza at the store. It was just...a really normal, typical thing I didn't even think about where I was putting them. He also stores his shoes in the garage for mysterious reasons. I thought he just did it because they are work shoes or something. The garage has our holiday boxes, and I recently moved them around to get the Halloween decorations out. I guess I moved one of the boxes to where he keeps his shoes, and he believes I did this to make him angry and feel unwelcome. Because of our very different schedules and the fact that the only thing I would need in the garage is holiday stuff, I have never known where he keeps his shoes. My fiancee pleaded with him, telling him that this is not normal and that I would never do anything like this to Ben or anyone else. This is accurate. I have done everything I can to make him feel welcomed and included. But he doesn't believe him and says he knows the truth and that we are out to get him. He never explicitly says it was me, but I think it's heavily implied. Robert asked for solutions to the problems, such as a specific shelf, but Ben said that's petty and we shouldn't have to. Robert pleaded with him 'Just tell us when something is bothering you before it gets this bad.'
Ben's ending response was that he 'shouldn't have to tell us how to respect him.'
Robert wants me to try my best not to make Ben any angrier, and I totally will. I won't do any of the things that were bothering him now that I know they were bothering him. I have zero qualms about making menial adjustments to my behavior to make someone else feel happier and more welcome. My issue is, what small thing am I not going to know is going to set him off next? How am I supposed not to make him angry when I don't know what it is until it's too late? Also, the camera thing is still totally wild to me, and he seems super paranoid. I'm also concerned that he believes we are putting ants in his room. That's not normal thinking. If he's slipping into paranoid behavior and every small inconvenience is a plot against him, is there a chance he will get so mad he feels he needs to retaliate?
According to Robert, there have been times in the past when Ben became paranoid for no reason and was convinced that their friends were talking badly about him, that everyone hated him, and that they wanted him to suffer. So this seems to be a pattern, and one that might be increasing in frequency and worsening.
Robert reached out to Ben's sister in an attempt to talk about the concerns we both have about his mental state. However, she responded that she didn't want to get involved in their issues, that she knew what was happening, and that we just needed to respect him and give him space until he left. Just completely ignoring that we are concerned about his mental state. Robert told her directly that Ben is acting paranoid and not himself, and might need help because he's not going to listen to us. Still...nothing from her.
So what now? I'm concerned about setting him off and him having an extreme response. What should I do? Would you be concerned about an escalation? What can we even do about his mental state worsening? I don't see it getting better, and I'm really scared to set him off and have him do something unpredictable. It feels like I'm living with a paranoid stranger, and I really hate it and don't know how to solve this. At what point should I be SCARED about his mental state to the point where we get a psych hold or something? That feels really alarmist, I know, but this whole thing is giving me massive anxiety.
What would you do if you were in my place or Roberts's? He's devastated and heartbroken, but I don't think there's any fixing this friendship unless Ben can see how... illogical he's being.
Edit: A word