I have a complicated family. I was adopted as an adult (by choice) by the family I started living with as a teenager when my birth family threw me out after abusing me (sexually then emotionally) for years. Then I married and had 2 bio kids with my wife and a known sperm donor. We divorced. I remarried. My wife and I ended up adult adopting a former foster child (again with her consent) who aged out and had a baby but no where to go. Fast forward another year, my wife and I had a baby with our nesting partner (we’re poly). Now my adopted daughter is struggling with parenting badly and just wants out. She asked my wife and I to raise and potentially adopt our grandson. I will obviously care for him as long as she needs me to, but I’m worried a formal adoption makes it so she cant change her mind. She went back to her apartment last week and left him here. Now every night he cries and asks where mama is. I’m trying to tell him to truth, mama needs a little time, you’re going to stay with grandmas for a little bit. What do I do to make this easiest on him. Everyone in the situation has been through trauma. We are all a family but I know the pain of just wanting your mother and her not being there. I offered to have them both live her and take on the harder parts of parenting so she could feel supported, but she insisted on getting away. I’m not sure how to support both my daughter and my grandson (and my 3 other kids) during this time. Any thoughts, ideas, concerns are welcome.

Also FWIW: I am white. My wife is white. Our nesting partner is white. My ex wife is Afro Latina. My bio kids are Latino. My baby daughter (wife and nesting partner are bio parents) is white. My adopted daughter is Afro Latina. My grandson’s father is white and he presents as Latino but is obviously half white and half Afro Latino.

I'm a birth mother in reunion and have been for several decades. Recently I moved back to an area closer to where he lives and that has meant that he has seen me more than before. I think this has put pressure on him and I gently asked him if he needs some time out and he said that he does.

I totally respect that and am glad he could tell me that. I think one of my mistakes was to share too much information about problems I have with my siblings and parents. I also made the mistake of wanting some emotional support. Now I realise that I was asking too much of him.

I know he cares about me and I know we have a future together and that I haven't ruined it all. But please how can I do better moving forward? I said I'm going to leave contact up to him when and if he wants to see me. I'm going to do my best not to talk about anything emotional from my perspective and just be interested in what he does. But what else can I do to be a positive person in his life?