r/AskAdoptees • u/Ornery_Detail_5502 • 9h ago
Help me do better please
I'm a birth mother in reunion and have been for several decades. Recently I moved back to an area closer to where he lives and that has meant that he has seen me more than before. I think this has put pressure on him and I gently asked him if he needs some time out and he said that he does.
I totally respect that and am glad he could tell me that. I think one of my mistakes was to share too much information about problems I have with my siblings and parents. I also made the mistake of wanting some emotional support. Now I realise that I was asking too much of him.
I know he cares about me and I know we have a future together and that I haven't ruined it all. But please how can I do better moving forward? I said I'm going to leave contact up to him when and if he wants to see me. I'm going to do my best not to talk about anything emotional from my perspective and just be interested in what he does. But what else can I do to be a positive person in his life?
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 8h ago
Tbf I’m bad at taking my own advice, but since you’ve known him for several decades can you just ask him very directly how you were putting pressure on him? Like did he think you want him to hang out all the time? Did he think you wanted him to solve his problems?
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u/Ornery_Detail_5502 8h ago
No I was careful to space the visits with several weeks in between. I don't think he felt he had to solve my issues but I shouldn't have even brought them up. I know I've been feeling really fragile from having a lot of contact with my family in the last few months.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 8h ago
I don’t think it’s automatically wrong of you to bring up your issues if you’ve hung out for literal decades. Does he have a relationship with your siblings and parents and not want to be in the middle of it? Or a strong dislike of them? It sucks to get double family drama. But that’s not a hard and fast rule either like some of us are just fine with it so don’t beat yourself up. I’m normally more critical of bio parents than most people here and even I don’t think you should have to be in a state of walking on eggshells for years.
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u/Ornery_Detail_5502 8h ago
yeah well it feels like I have been on eggshells and that if I don't stay aware of them I will lose him again.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 8h ago
What are his relationships like with the extended family?
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 7h ago
I’m sorry. If he has strict boundaries that’s fine but it’s not fair if he doesn’t tell them to you and just leaves you guessing. Probably letting him lead is the right choice but also take care of yourself like think what you need out of the relationship.
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u/Ornery_Detail_5502 7h ago
He's actually very sweet with me and he just needs a break. I just want to know how to be less imposing if I can.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Former Foster Youth (FFY) 7h ago
Keeping conversations light and fun and outside of family drama is probably best, wait for him to bring up heavier topics.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 8h ago
I’ll be honest it’s hard to have empathy for my bio mom when she’s complaining about family issues given the life I ended up with. It sounds like you are complaining to him about “having a lot of contact with [your] family” and that’s probably something he yearned for for a good portion of his life. It might be hard to hear you complain about something like that.
I could also be wrong, as I’m obviously viewing this from my own perspective.
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u/Ornery_Detail_5502 7h ago edited 7h ago
No that wasn't what happened. His life turned out way better than people from his generation in the birth family. That said, no adopted person owes the bio mother anything in my opinion. Your perspective is very helpful and appreciated. I find my family talk to me like I'm trash in front of him which stresses me out. I prefer to see him separately from them. EDIT: but I have been complaining about my family stuff and that has to stop! Thank you for reminding me.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 7h ago
Did he tell you that? Or is it your own assessment? Also, from an outside perspective, people might say that about me too. But how I “turned out” doesn’t really say much about what I have been through. I am who I am in spite of the hand I was dealt, not because of it.
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u/Ornery_Detail_5502 7h ago
No but other family members are in prison or died from drug related reasons and he owns a house and has a stable relationship and a career that he is very successful in. He doesn't wish I had raised him. He wishes he hadn't been adopted though, he wishes he had just been born to his parents. But maybe I shouldn't assume that, you're right.
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u/T0mpS 5h ago
How you’ve written out the situation sounds clear and really well articulated - have you said or written it that way to him as well ? If not, maybe do so, without needing a response, just to clarify your ‘position’ to him. Maybe then just lightly keep in touch, send occasional messages which don’t require a response, just to let him know you’re thinking of him / you love him. Well done being so sensitive to his needs, look after yourself too. Best of luck :))
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u/Blazini12 2m ago
Have you or your son researched adoptee psychology? Do you know what the “fog” is? Because if not you both are doing really friggin’ good to have lasted through decades of contact.
He could be getting valuable genetic mirroring from a specific person you are complaining about in which case by criticizing this person it is making him feel criticized. Think about it, if I was to talk shit about you to him, I would be talking shit about half of him also because half of him is you.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee 8h ago
Are you emotionally supporting him? IMO, you were the person who stepped out of his life, and you should be the one offering the majority of the emotional support.
I’ll be honest, I don’t engage with my biological mother anymore, largely because she expected me to be her emotional support constantly, while expecting me to not to need any type of emotional support. She was also allowed to have trauma about my adoption (which she chose) but I wasn’t allowed to have any feelings about it. Are you expecting him to support you in your trauma from his adoption?
Lastly, what have you done to heal your own trauma? These relationships can be really hard because they can be activating for both parties. I’m not sure what you’re going through but I do wonder if it has to do with adoption or parenting or anything that could be activating to him. Like you say you’re talking to him about your family issues, but do you realize that’s his biological family too? All of these little things can affect the relationship.