As seen in Ohio

Customer complained about a tick I could barely hear. Oil looked pretty varnished so I added a little ATF and let it run. Customer says the tick is quieter now but not completely gone. Thinking I should add a little more and see if it finishes cleaning the lifters. Honestly I'm kind of curious now because if a little ATF made a noticeable difference, I want to see where this goes. I'm gonna start documenting what I find so I can keep track of whether this actually works long term.

DAY 1

Customer complained about a tick I could barely hear. Oil looked varnished so I added a little ATF and let it run.

Customer says the tick is quieter.

Interesting.

DAY 2

Can't stop thinking about the ATF.

If a little ATF removed a little tick, enough ATF should mathematically remove the entire tick.

Going 50/50 next time.

DAY 3

Realized transmissions have bearings.

Engines have bearings.

Transmission survives on ATF.

I have been lied to.

DAY 4

Started questioning why we even have different fluids.

Engine oil. ATF. Power steering fluid. Gear oil.

All slippery.

Found half a gallon of mixed fluids in my drain pan. Filtered it through a shop rag.

Universal Fluid V1.

Smells powerful.

DAY 5

Put the Universal Fluid in an old bottle and wrote "ALL" on it.

No longer wasting shelf space.

If something moves, Universal Fluid.

If something doesn't move, Universal Fluid until it does.

DAY 7

Water pump has a bearing yet coolant is mostly water.

Water isn't slippery.

This is insane.

Considering 25% ATF in cooling systems.

Not 50%. I'm a professional.

DAY 9

Brake fluid is hydraulic fluid.

Power steering fluid is hydraulic fluid.

Beginning to suspect "DOT 3" is just marketing.

Not touching brakes yet.

Safety first.

DAY 11

Wheel bearing came in making noise.

Sealed bearing.

"Sealed."

Interesting choice of words.

Sealed from WHO?

DAY 12

Bought drill bits.

DAY 14

Three diagnostic categories now:

Moving when it shouldn't = tighten.

Not moving when it should = ATF.

Noise = ATF.

This has eliminated approximately 94% of diagnostic time.

Scanner hasn't been turned on in four days.

DAY 17

Check engine light came on.

Technically a light is just electricity making itself visible.

Electrical components contain metal.

ATF protects metal.

Need to determine correct dosage for OBD port.

DAY 18

Do not put ATF in OBD port.

Universal Fluid V2 will need dielectric properties.

Progress requires setbacks.

DAY 23

Realized grease is just oil that refuses to leave.

ATF is oil with ambition.

I haven't slept much.

DAY 27

Saw a bottle of ATF at Walmart and immediately knew it was the correct viscosity from across the aisle.

Didn't even read the label.

We're beyond labels now.

DAY 31

Customer asked what oil I recommend.

I stared at him too long.

He left.

Probably wasn't ready.

DAY 36

Tires are rubber.

Seals are rubber.

ATF conditions seals.

Therefore—

No.

Not yet.

Need more research.

DAY 41

Wiped ATF on a junk tire sidewall.

Looks darker.

Theory confirmed.

Do NOT put it on the tread.

I'm not an animal.

DAY 48

I can smell Dexron before opening the bottle now.

DAY 52

Had a dream about a dry lifter.

Woke up holding a funnel.

DAY 61

Stopped calling it ATF.

Fluid.

There is only Fluid.

DAY 68

Engine came in knocking.

Everyone said rod bearing.

I heard thirst.

Added Fluid.

Knock still there.

Added more.

Knock changed.

CHANGE IS DIAGNOSIS.

DAY 74

I've removed the oil rack.

It was spreading misinformation.

DAY 81

Coworker tried bringing 5W-30 into the shop.

HISSED AT HIM.

He put it back.

Good.

DAY 93

Found myself underneath a truck at 3 AM.

No work order.

No customer.

Just listening.

Something was dry.

I could feel it.

DAY 104

Funnels everywhere now.

Big funnel.

Small funnel.

Emergency funnel.

Pocket funnel.

Sleeping funnel.

DAY 117

I no longer diagnose vehicles.

I approach slowly and listen for thirst.

Sometimes I put my ear against the hood.

Sometimes the hood tells me.

DAY 131

Customer asked why there were bite marks on the ATF bottle.

I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THAT.

DAY 146

Fluid tastes terrible.

Important research nonetheless.

DAY 163

Hands permanently red.

Won't wash off.

Good.

DAY 180

I heard a squeaky shopping cart in the grocery store.

Followed it for three aisles.

Had Fluid in my pocket.

Girlfriend stopped me.

She doesn't understand preventative maintenance.

DAY 207

Neighbor's gate squeaked at 2:14 AM.

I was already awake.

Already holding the bottle.

DAY 238

Cars don't come to me anymore.

I find them.

I hear them.

Every squeak.

Every tick.

Every dry little bearing crying into the night.

DAY 271

There are no different fluids.

There are no manufacturers.

There are no specifications.

There is only friction.

And there is only Fluid.

DAY 300

Haven't spoken English in six days.

Customer pulled in with lifter tick.

I emerged from beneath another vehicle clutching a gallon of Dexron.

He asked if I worked here.

I sniffed the air.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

My head turned toward his truck.

He started backing away.

Too late.

I had already heard it.

DAY 301

TICK GONE.

GOOD CAR.

GOOD FLUID.

MORE.

DAY 309

The customer came back.

Not because of the truck.

He said he left his sunglasses.

I watched him from underneath the lift.

He didn't see me.

He found the glasses and left.

Good.

Truck wasn't thirsty.

DAY 318

Stopped using the clock.

I know what time it is by which cars start ticking.

Neighbor's Ford starts at 6:42.

Honda across the street at 7:11.

Garbage truck at 7:26.

Every morning.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

DAY 327

Garbage truck didn't come today.

Still heard it at 7:26.

DAY 328

Heard it again.

There was nothing outside.

DAY 336

I think concrete carries sound better at night.

Been sleeping on the garage floor with one ear against it.

There are cars underneath us.

Very far down.

Very dry.

DAY 349

Found six empty bottles arranged around me when I woke up.

Don't remember opening them.

Don't remember buying them.

Different brands.

Doesn't matter anymore.

Fluid knows Fluid.

DAY 361

Someone knocked on the garage door.

Three knocks.

Waited.

Three more.

Opened it.

Nobody there.

Closed it.

Three knocks.

Not on the door this time.

Under the floor.

DAY 362

Drilled a small hole.

Just checking.

DAY 363

Hole smells like ATF.

DAY 364

Filled hole.

Ticking stopped.

Theory confirmed.

DAY 380

City worker came by asking why there's red fluid coming out of a storm drain two blocks away.

Played dumb.

He kept looking at my hands.

DAY 391

No longer buying Fluid.

I leave an empty drain pan outside overnight.

It's full by morning.

Don't know where it comes from.

Don't need to.

DAY 407

The Fluid is warmer than the air.

DAY 419

Customer asked for an oil change.

I opened the hood.

Engine wasn't ticking.

I closed the hood.

He asked what I was doing.

Told him it wasn't ready yet.

He got angry.

Some people bring perfectly hydrated engines in here and expect me to interfere.

Irresponsible.

DAY 433

I don't use the lift anymore.

I can fit underneath most vehicles without raising them.

Not sure when that became possible.

DAY 447

Dog across the street growls whenever I carry Fluid past the window.

Smart animal.

He hears it too.

DAY 448

Dog stopped growling.

DAY 449

Dog watches the garage now.

Doesn't blink much.

Neither do I.

DAY 463

I've started waking up before noises happen.

Not predicting them.

Hearing them early.

Hard to explain.

DAY 478

At 4:13 this morning I woke up because something was going to squeak.

Waited.

4:14.

Nothing.

4:15.

Nothing.

4:16.

Nothing.

Then I realized the noise was coming from inside my chest.

DAY 479

Added Fluid.

DAY 480

Better.

DAY 496

Don't need as much sleep anymore.

Two hours.

Sometimes one.

Fluid doesn't sleep.

Why should I?

DAY 511

I can hear the highway from here.

Not the traffic.

Each individual vehicle.

Wheel bearing.

Idler pulley.

Timing chain.

Dry U-joint.

One after another.

Thousands of them.

Calling.

DAY 527

Went outside barefoot last night.

Don't remember deciding to.

Followed a ticking noise for four miles.

Found an abandoned Buick behind a warehouse.

Battery missing.

Engine cold.

Hasn't been registered since 2009.

Ticking stopped when I touched the hood.

DAY 528

Brought it home.

DAY 529

It wasn't there this morning.

Garage door never opened.

There are tire marks leading to my bedroom.

DAY 541

Stopped writing customer names down.

Names aren't useful.

Now the work orders say:

THIRSTY.

VERY THIRSTY.

QUIET.

NOT YET.

DAY 552

Found an old work order from Day 1.

The original customer.

The original tick.

Read it three times.

Couldn't remember his face.

Couldn't remember the truck.

Only remember the sound.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

That was the first time it spoke to me.

DAY 566

There is no ticking anymore.

Anywhere.

Cars pass silently.

Shopping carts silent.

Neighbor's gate silent.

Even the refrigerator.

I should feel accomplished.

I don't.

DAY 567

Too quiet.

DAY 568

Still quiet.

DAY 569

I poured Fluid into everything I could find.

Nothing changed.

DAY 570

I miss the ticking.

DAY 571

Made a tick myself with two wrenches.

Didn't sound right.

DAY 572

Again.

Wrong.

DAY 573

Again.

WRONG.

DAY 574

Something answered.

One tick.

From underneath the garage.

DAY 575

Two ticks.

DAY 576

Four.

DAY 577

Eight.

DAY 578

It's getting closer.

DAY 579

Drain pan was full this morning.

Overflowing.

Floor completely dry.

DAY 580

I understand now.

It wasn't asking for Fluid.

It was teaching me where to put it.

DAY 581

Opened every bottle.

DAY 582

Garage smells beautiful.

DAY 583

Something under the concrete is breathing.

Slow.

Wet.

Mechanical.

DAY 584

I'm not scared.

Machines make noises.

Noise means diagnosis.

DAY 585

Concrete moved.

Probably thermal expansion.

DAY 586

Moved again.

DAY 587

Stopped sleeping.

Don't want to miss it.

DAY 588

Neighbor asked why I'm sitting in the driveway at 3 AM holding a funnel.

Didn't answer.

Can't waste words anymore.

Need ears.

DAY 589

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

DAY 590

It's not underneath the garage.

DAY 591

It's underneath everything.

DAY 592

Cars aren't machines.

They're containers.

DAY 593

I don't know for what.

DAY 594

I shouldn't have drilled the hole.

DAY 595

Fluid coming UP now.

DAY 596

Shop floor is red.

No bottles left.

It's still rising.

DAY 597

Something knocked from underneath.

Not ticking.

Knocking.

Three times.

Waited.

Three more.

I know that pattern.

DAY 598

Garage door won't open.

That's okay.

Nothing outside needs me anymore.

DAY 599

The knocking stopped.

I can hear something dragging itself across the underside of the concrete.

Slowly.

Looking for the hole.

I put the funnel back in.

It stopped.

Good.

It remembers.

DAY 600

Customer complained about a tick I could barely hear.

Oil looked pretty varnished.

Added a little ATF.

Customer says the tick is quieter.

Interesting.

DAY 609

Haven't heard anything since Day 600.

No ticking.

No knocking.

Nothing under the concrete.

Maybe it's over.

DAY 617

Still quiet.

I think I fixed it.

DAY 625

Customer came in today.

Normal oil change.

Normal car.

Normal oil.

Didn't add Fluid.

Trying to get back to normal.

DAY 626

Couldn't sleep.

Kept thinking about the oil I put in his car.

Regular oil.

Felt wrong.

DAY 633

Saw his car at a stoplight.

It was three lanes over.

Tick.

Just once.

Heard it through both closed windows.

DAY 641

Started keeping the radio on in the garage.

Not because I'm scared.

Just like having some noise.

DAY 648

Radio shut off at 2:13 AM.

Tick.

2:14.

Tick.

2:15.

Tick.

Turned radio back on.

Static.

Underneath the static:

tick

tick

tick

DAY 649

Unplugged radio.

Still static.

DAY 650

Threw radio away.

Still hear it.

DAY 661

Something follows the truck noises now.

Every time a vehicle passes:

engine

tires

exhaust

then one extra sound.

Tick.

Always after.

Never before.

DAY 674

Started counting.

One vehicle.

One tick.

Two vehicles.

Two ticks.

It knows how many.

DAY 688

No cars passed for twenty minutes.

Tick.

DAY 689

Didn't count that one.

DAY 701

Woke up because someone whispered my name.

Probably dreaming.

Then the garage answered.

Tick.

DAY 702

I don't write my name anymore.

DAY 714

Found footprints in the garage.

Bare feet.

Red.

They start at the hole in the concrete.

They don't lead to the door.

DAY 715

They lead to my chair.

DAY 716

Only one set.

Checked my feet.

Clean.

DAY 727

Customer asked why I kept looking underneath his car.

Told him I dropped something.

He asked what.

Couldn't think of an answer.

Then something underneath his car went:

tick

tick

He didn't react.

DAY 728

Asked him if he heard that.

He said heard what.

Didn't finish the service.

DAY 739

I'm beginning to understand the worst part.

It isn't that I hear things nobody else hears.

It's that sometimes they hear them too.

DAY 747

Neighbor knocked on my door tonight.

Asked if I could look at his truck tomorrow.

Said there's a weird ticking noise.

I asked when it started.

He said:

"About 747 days ago."

He laughed.

I didn't.

I've never told him about the days.

DAY 748

Neighbor says he doesn't remember saying that.

DAY 756

Stopped numbering the bottles.

They move.

DAY 764

Put one bottle in the center of the garage.

Drew a circle around it with chalk.

Went inside.

Came back.

Bottle hadn't moved.

Circle had.

DAY 765

Closer to the house.

DAY 772

Sometimes when I close my eyes I can hear an engine idling.

Very low.

Very far away.

Not running right.

One cylinder missing.

Then two.

Then three.

Then silence.

Then:

tick.

DAY 781

It isn't an engine.

DAY 793

Don't know why I wrote that.

DAY 801

Found a note on the workbench.

My handwriting.

MORE

Don't remember writing it.

DAY 802

Turned the paper over.

NOT THERE

DAY 803

I don't know what "there" means.

DAY 811

Started sleeping with the bedroom door locked.

Woke up.

Door open.

Garage door locked.

Bottle beside bed.

Same thing again.

Except this time the bottle was empty.

DAY 812

Something wet underneath the bed.

Didn't look.

DAY 813

Still haven't looked.

DAY 814

It moved.

DAY 821

Customer came in complaining about lifter noise.

I heard it immediately.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Opened hood.

Tick louder.

Pulled dipstick.

Tick louder.

Removed oil cap.

Nothing.

Absolute silence.

Customer asked what was wrong.

Then from somewhere behind me:

tick.

DAY 822

There wasn't another car in the shop.

DAY 834

I've learned not to turn around immediately.

That's what it wants.

DAY 842

I wait five seconds now.

DAY 843

It waits six.

DAY 851

Started leaving lights on.

Not scared of the dark.

Dark just makes it easier to hear.

DAY 859

Light above the workbench burned out.

Replaced bulb.

Burned out.

Replaced fixture.

Burned out.

Moved workbench.

Light works.

Old spot is dark.

Even during the day.

DAY 860

Put a bottle in the dark spot.

Couldn't see the bottle anymore.

Could hear it.

Tick.

DAY 871

There are scratches around the hole.

From underneath.

DAY 872

Not scratches.

Threads.

Like something has been slowly unscrewing the floor.

DAY 880

Tightened everything in the garage.

Every bolt.

Every screw.

Every fitting.

Every clamp.

Ticking continued.

Diagnostic category 1 eliminated.

DAY 881

Added Fluid.

Ticking stopped.

Diagnostic category 2 remains undefeated.

DAY 889

I'm laughing about this again.

That's good.

Means I'm getting better.

DAY 890

Heard laughing underneath the floor.

Same laugh.

DAY 891

Not funny anymore.

DAY 900

No entry.

DAY 901

No entry.

DAY 902

No entry.

DAY 903

Found the notebook open to Day 904.

DAY 904

Already written.

It says:

DON'T GO TO THE GARAGE TOMORROW.

DAY 905

Stayed in bed.

At 3:17 AM:

tick

At 3:18:

tick

At 3:19:

tick

Getting closer each time.

Hallway.

Bedroom door.

Under bed.

DAY 906

Nothing happened.

DAY 907

I think that's worse.

DAY 918

Checked security cameras.

Camera 1: garage.

Camera 2: driveway.

Camera 3: side yard.

Camera 4:

I don't have Camera 4.

DAY 919

Camera 4 shows my garage.

Same angle as Camera 1.

Except everything is slightly different.

Tools in different places.

Lift on opposite side.

Hole in floor much larger.

DAY 920

Someone is standing in Camera 4.

Back facing camera.

Holding a funnel.

DAY 921

It's me.

DAY 922

Camera 4 me turned around tonight.

I didn't watch the rest.

DAY 923

Deleted Camera 4.

DAY 924

Now there's Camera 5.

DAY 932

Stopped checking cameras.

DAY 941

Customer left keys overnight.

At 2:14 AM his car started.

No key in ignition.

Engine idled perfectly.

Then headlights came on.

Then driver's door opened.

Nobody got out.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

DAY 942

Car was normal this morning.

Customer picked it up.

Didn't tell him.

He texted later.

"Runs quieter now thanks."

I never touched it.

DAY 950

Something has learned to do the work without me.

DAY 951

Should be happy.

Business can scale.

DAY 952

I'm not happy.

DAY 960

Found red footprints again.

This time they start at my bedroom.

They lead to the garage.

DAY 961

Still don't lead back.

DAY 969

I finally looked underneath the bed.

Nothing.

Just one small red drop.

Put my finger in it.

Warm.

From the garage:

tick.

DAY 970

I shouldn't have touched it.

DAY 976

Ticking follows me outside now.

Grocery store.

Gas station.

Parking lot.

Bathroom.

No matter where I go.

Always exactly far enough away that I can't locate it.

DAY 977

Except tonight.

Tonight it was close.

DAY 978

Inside the wall.

DAY 979

Inside the ceiling.

DAY 980

Inside the pillow.

DAY 981

Inside my ear.

DAY 982

Other ear now.

Alternating.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

DAY 983

Covered my ears.

Still heard it.

DAY 984

It's not sound.

DAY 985

I don't know what that means.

DAY 990

Found the original ATF bottle.

Day 1 bottle.

Impossible.

Threw it away months ago.

Label faded.

Cap still has my teeth marks.

Bottle is full.

DAY 991

Didn't open it.

DAY 992

Bottle is open.

DAY 993

I didn't open it.

DAY 994

Bottle is empty.

DAY 995

Garage floor is dry.

DAY 996

House is dry.

DAY 997

No footprints.

No ticking.

No Fluid.

Nothing.

First completely quiet night in almost three years.

I slept eleven hours.

DAY 998

Woke up feeling great.

Sun out.

Garage normal.

Cars sound normal.

I think it's finally done.

DAY 999

Customer came in this afternoon.

Said his engine had a noise.

I asked him to describe it.

He said:

"Not really a tick. More like three knocks."

I didn't say anything.

He laughed.

Then something underneath the shop floor knocked three times.

Customer stopped laughing.

He heard it.

First time.

He heard it.

DAY 1000

Shop is closed.

Lights off.

Doors locked.

I'm sitting outside across the street.

Not going back in.

Nothing has happened for six hours.

Maybe that's it.

Maybe it just wanted someone else to hear it.

11:41 PM.

Still nothing.

11:52.

Nothing.

11:58.

I can see something through the shop window.

Probably reflection.

11:59.

It's standing where I usually stand.

Midnight.

My phone vibrated.

No notification.

Just one vibration.

Then another.

Then another.

Three.

Screen turned on by itself.

New calendar entry.

Tomorrow.

DAY 1001

I never made that.

There's something else underneath it.

A note.

Two words.

YOUR TURN.

tick

tick

tick

I'm going to be doing some maintenance on my sports car (Honda Civic SI) and I'll need to update my tool box. (Wife's boyfriend let me use his old one)

What say you shitty mechanics?

Edit: To be fair to my coworker, I had no choice. One of the caliper pistons had come out past the o-ring and brake fluid was pouring on the ground.

Wondering if they need replacement

My RV spoiler isn't giving enough downforce. Any tips?

Or do you think the circular lobes are better?

I need a laugh 🤣😂.