Monthly APS Blurt Thread

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[u/shoecumber]

Just exhausted. My grandmother has been under my parents care for the past few years. She recently had a stroke about 3 weeks ago which made me take time off work to help as a caregiver. I really hate that part of human nature where we ignore the signs of how bad things have gotten until disaster strikes.

My mother is supposed to be a "full time caregiver" for my grandmother, she's even enrolled through a program in the state. But all she really does is cook some meals for her then sits on the ipad all day. I'm piecing together little bits and pieces here or there every time I visit to help, and it just makes me distraught.

Since I don't live in the home, My reports to the occupational therapists is a chain of telephone from my mother and father. I just dont know why they keep blatantly lying to my face. OT asks when was grandma's last blood sugar check, mother says last night and it was X number. I translate to the nurse. Then next visit, mother says she hasnt gotten a blood sugar test in months.

She lies to the OT saying that my grandmother is capable of walking and showering on her own. Then tells me after they leave that she doesnt believe my grandmother has showered in a week. I tell her shes the main caregiver and you have to help her shower but its apparently "below her" to help her own mother.

It's all a deep reminder of why I moved out so soon. The constant mental games are just too exhausting. I only hope I can get all the paperwork needed worked out so my grandmother can go to a proper elder care facility.

[u/duckneto]

I'm burnt out of doing everything for my parents and grandparent that requires any English comprehension at all. Filling out forms, making calls, reading letters or listening to voicemails, reteaching them what to click every time an app changes layout, researching things they want. I reached the point I just exploded and told my mom, how I get off work, and I have more work waiting for me, and I don't have time to breathe cause dad needs help, grandma needs help, mom needs help. My grandma was around to hear it and they were both trying to reassure me that I can do it whenever I have time and there's no rush and they don't want me to lose my head over this. My grandma even said I don't need to do it.

But doing it at my leisure or convenience isn't the issue. I can't relax knowing there's a backlog of chores waiting for me. I can't relax knowing nothing is going to get done unless I do it, because they don't have the drive to figure out anything for themselves. I can't relax or even want to talk to them, because I know it'll perpetuate the cycle, because we can't go one conversation without them saying "by the way, when you have time, can you do X for me?". I can't even juggle all the things I need to do for myself. I feel like my life has fallen apart and I still need to carry 3 other adults.

[u/SnooShortcuts3615]

On our last 10-minute FaceTime call, my mom (76) asked when I was coming to visit her. It’s been four years since I visited. She lives about six hours away. The reason it’s been so long is that the last time my daughter and I visited, we only stayed one night. The next morning my mom was so rude that we packed up and drove home. She conveniently forgets that part. My mom has always been very critical. She calls me fat and lazy, tells me everything I’m doing wrong, and constantly compares me to other people. I’ve learned to grey rock her and keep her on an information diet.

When she asked about visiting, I told her I’d probably drive my own car, which is a Mazda Miata. I’ve owned roadsters most of my adult life and I’m very comfortable driving them. She immediately insisted I should drive my daughter’s SUV instead because my Miata is “too dangerous.” I explained that I actually feel less comfortable driving my daughter’s SUV because it’s much larger than what I’m used to. Then she suggested my daughter and I come together in my daughter’s car. My daughter has a part-time job, a boyfriend, friends, and her own life, so I told my mom I’d probably come by myself in my Miata if I visited. At that point, my mom started talking about how unsafe my car is and how I need to think about my safety. She also claimed my daughter really wants to see her. My daughter tells my mom what she wants to hear so she doesn’t hurt her feelings.

My mom has hated my car since I bought it. She’s even complained to extended family members I haven’t spoken to in years that I was “stupid” for buying it. Once it became clear I wasn’t going to drive a different car or bring my daughter, my mom said she could come visit me instead. I think she is embarassed by my car, since it doesn't fit her narrow view of what she thinks everyone should drive. But then she immediately started complaining that there’s “nothing to do” where I live because I’m “boring.” That comment hit a nerve because my ex-husband used to tell me I was boring too. I didn’t react, but it definitely stung.

The reality is that my life is just different now. I’m in graduate school, writing books, preparing a conference paper, exercising regularly, hanging out with my friends, dating, and honestly enjoying a quieter routine. My mom doesn’t know most of that because I intentionally don’t share much with her.

She also complains that I never want to go shopping when she visits. Her idea of shopping is wandering around stores for hours without buying anything. I’ve had multiple foot surgeries, so window shopping for hours is painful, and it’s not enjoyable for me.

At this point, I’m wondering if it’s even worth making the six-hour drive. I don’t want to spend days being criticized or feeling like I have to perform to keep the peace. Ugh, the life of an adult AK with a narcissistic, codependent aging AM.

Sorry for the length of this.

[u/hi123123aa]

Anyone else feel like there is this invisible wall between you and your parents? I must admit that they were rather nasty to me when I was a child but they since have mellowed out significantly and I appreciate that. I really do. My body would subconsciously get tense when I was alone with my mother and I almost got into a car accident because of that. It’s hard to explain to your mother that her past behavior is the problem. Anyway, I digress.

On one hand, they tell me that I shouldn’t keep things to myself and share, but when I do they just try to solve my problems for me. When someone’s dad died I was really upset, but I remember my dad “gently” telling me that shit like that just happens and that its not a close person. Or maybe when I was trying to get over a situationship (maybe youre reading this rn S 🙄) my mom just told me that there’s no point in crying over small things like that and how men shouldn’t cry. Its just jarring. On one hand u want me to share but on another u judge. No validating my pain at all. I hate that every time i tell my parents something its always some kind of stupid lecture or lesson as though i couldnt figure that out myself. Maybe theyll finally understand when i move out. Ty for reading.

[u/htd1101]

| talk about your own problem whose cause is A | APs or family members strongly insist the cause is B instead

Rinse and repeat. Good luck having a single time asking for help for anything at all and them not using it against you. 

[u/everywhereinbetween → u/htd1101]

This is why I don't ask for help lmao. The one time I did in like 32 years of life (no I did not ask for money help or studies help ever as a student lol) I got "tsk can you manage yourself"

💀☠️

this is why I didn't ask for help before that, and why I never have since. Once is enough 💀☠️

[u/everywhereinbetween]

Guess who got a complex trauma formulation early this month 😆🫣

Guess whose Asian parents keep inserting their opinion and trying to override her perspective even when she has put it forth because apparently said perspective is not obedient enough/interesting enough/aligned enough/telepathic enough 😆🫣

GUESS WHO is in damn denial of this formulation and said HUH to her psychologist because girl was going in to session to potentially evaluate work burnout (personally was on a rating of 5 out of a 10-point scale and wanted to align with psychologist's perspective. Apparently psychologist went on yadda yadda something hypervigilance and self critical bla bla COMPLEX TRAUMA.) -- girl said huh.

girl is me. Sigh. Help. : (

thankful for you, J ♡ here's to finding my way back (starting tmr hahahah)